Darren’s Daily Dose of News – September 11, 2009

o Today is NATIONAL TRICKY HANDSHAKE DAY. ***MARLAR: Come… join our secret society…

o Today is NO NEWS IS GOOD NEWS DAY, a day to feel better by not reading, listening to, or watching the news. ***MARLAR: That means you can listen to my show because I NEVER have anything relevant to say!

This has got to be one of the most bizarre stories I’ve ever read.  A Shanghai online game player will spend life in prison for stabbing another player for selling his imaginary “cyber-sword.”   ***MARLAR: Unbelievable… this guy couldn’t even be trusted around imaginary sharp objects.

So how much of the glitz and glamour of the Miss Universe pageant is real? Not much, says Michael Schwandt, a choreographer of the last four pageants. Schwandt scrutinized the competition and revealed Donald Trump is allegedly fixing the competitions. According to Schwandt, Trump decides who will make it to the final six — after a private meeting with all the women.  ***MARLAR: Gee, who’d have thought that Donald Trump was shallow… or that “Reality TV” isn’t real?

Arkansas mom Michelle Duggar announced on ‘The Today Show’ that she and husband Jim Bob are expecting their 19th child, due in March 2010. Michelle gave birth only 8 months ago to little Jordyn-Grace, but grew curious when she wasn’t losing any of her baby weight, despite being on Weight Watchers. She took a pregnancy test, which confirmed that Baby Duggar #19 was on the way. Michelle has been pregnant for 147 months, which is more than 12 years.  ***MARLAR: Forget having enough kids to start a softball team – these parents are working on creating an entire league. 

Police say a 61-year-old man annoyed with a crying 2-year-old girl at a suburban Atlanta Walmart slapped the child several times after warning the toddler’s mother to keep her quiet. A police report says after the stranger hit the girl at least four times, he said: “See, I told you I would shut her up.” Roger Stephens of Stone Mountain is charged with felony cruelty to children. ***MARLAR: The cops got him shut up when they slapped him… with handcuffs.

A Salt Lake City woman who held a Guinness World Record for her long fingernails before they broke off in a car crash says it was the most dramatic event of her life.  But Lee Redmond, who lost the fingernails in February, says it’s now much easier to do things and her hands seem to fly with the weight of the nails gone.  The 68-year-old won’t grow her nails out again, saying it took 30 years the first time and she may not live for another 30.  Redmond hadn’t cut her nails since 1979 and entered the Guinness World Records book in 2002 for longest fingernails on a woman.  The Guinness Web site says her nails measured a total of more than 28 feet long in 2008, with the longest nail on her right thumb at 2 feet, 11 inches.  ***MARLAR: Not to be gross here, and I’m not really sure I want to know the answer to this question, but with fingernails over two feet long on each finger, how do you use the bathroom?

A recent study shows that around 9% of the U.S. population — 28 million people — don’t have bank accounts.  ***MARLAR: And most of them work in radio.

Gorillas are considered apes, not monkeys.  The way to distinguish between an ape and a monkey is that apes do not have tails.  ***MARLAR: Of course, if you still get confused in front of an ape, he’ll gladly rip your arms off so you won’t forget ever again.  They HATE being called monkeys.

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