Police in Berkshire, England, are searching for a thief who is stealing bottles of milk from people’s doorsteps. ***MARLAR: He’s described as medium-height with black hair and a white mustache.
Customs officials in Adelaide, Australia, confiscated a stuffed armadillo that was sent from Texas as a gift. It was mounted on its hind legs, and wore a cowboy hat, sheriff’s badge and little toy pistol holster. Officials said importing it breached wildlife protection laws. ***MARLAR: Australia also has laws protecting the endangered singing “Billy Bass”.
Two Massachusetts college coeds are in trouble for swiping copies of their campus newspaper at Framingham State College. The young women are pictured on the front page of The Gatepost wearing hip-hugger shorts and skimpy tank-tops. They were part of a group that had painted their stomachs to support a friend on the women’s lacrosse team. The paper’s faculty advisor says the students apparently thought the pictures made them look fat. About half the paper’s run of 2,000 copies disappeared. The two students won’t be charged with a crime, but they could face disciplinary action. ***MARLAR: And mandatory Weight Watchers.
Police who were watching a house in Salt Lake City spotted a man who was on parole and about to be placed under an arrest warrant, so a cop approached him. The man took off running, and the cop couldn’t catch him, so he yelled, “Taser, Taser, Taser!” The suspect believed he was about to be hit with a taser and suddenly threw himself on the ground and surrendered. The cop didn’t even have a taser. He was just yelling, “Taser.” ***MARLAR: Good thing he didn’t yell “gun” – he might’ve killed the guy!
Setting a new level of political correctness, British justice officials instructed prison wardens to let inmates keep twigs in their cells. So as not to discriminate against any religion, prisoners who claim to be pagans must be allowed to collect and decorate twigs to use as wands in their rituals. A conservative political spokesman said it sounded like an April Fool’s joke. ***MARLAR: Or an Arbor Day joke.
On average people fear spiders more than they do death. ***MARLAR: Which kind of makes sense. After all, when was the last time you heard of the Grim Reaper getting in someone’s hair?
Charles Dickens wrote (and slept) facing north, aligning himself with the poles of the earth. ***MARLAR: Who knew Charles Dickens was Polish?