Underwater explorers have discovered a lost treasure worth over $500 million. They’re all rich now. ***MARLAR: Well, until the Kracken finds out it’s all gone.
When girls outgrow their Barbie dolls, torturing them is normal. That’s the conclusion researchers at Great Britain’s University of Bath who say the types of mutilation are varied and creative and range from removing the hair to decapitation, burning, breaking and even microwaving. ***MARLAR: The study was conducted by Rob Zombie.
In Springfield, Massachusetts, a baby shower erupted into a brawl when a man got into a fight with another man who’s dating his ex-girlfriend, and the first man was shot. ***MARLAR: And now you know why men are never invited to baby showers.
Scientists now say that obesity contributes to global warming. Their reasoning is that obese and overweight people require more fuel to transport them and the food they eat, and they say the problem will get worse as we continue to pork out. Of course, they say this also adds to food shortages and higher energy prices. ***MARLAR: However, during the winter we don’t need to crank up the heat as much because we have our own insulation. Maybe skinny people should pack on a few pounds.
The word from researchers at Kaiser Permanente Northern California in Oakland is that calcium and vitamin D may slow down or even stop that weight gain. ***MARLAR: I hope my personal trainer is listening – he’s keeping me fat by saying I should drink Skim Milk!
The strongest muscle in the body is the tongue. ***MARLAR: Meaning politicians will always be stronger than you (and my wife will always be stronger than me).
Britain’s Conservative party will propose stopping global warming by banning plasma TVs and other energy-using electronic luxuries. ***MARLAR: And that’s the CONSERVATIVE party in Britain! What’s the LIBERAL party want to ban . . . eating?