Darren’s Daily Dose of Weird News: April 07, 2011

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NEW NEWS…

Tax time is just around the corner and if you’re thinking of trying to pull a fast one on Uncle Sam, forget it.  The IRS has seen it all.  Such ploys as filing a “corrected” wage form reporting zero income or trying to eliminate all of the year’s income by deducting it all won’t work.  Then there are people that tell you that wages are not income or that paying taxes is voluntary. This will not earn you anything but jail time.  Also keep in mind, you cannot blame your tax preparer for fudging on your return. The only safe way to avoid paying taxes is to not make any money.  ***MARLAR: Well, looks like I’m okay then.

A 10-year-old boy from California has made it his goal to preach end-times prophecy to all who have an ear to hear.  When most boys are immersed in video games, school, and sports, Rankin Poage from Rancho Santa Fe is spending his time sharing biblical prophecy with adults.  Poage’s interest in the last days sparked when he shared a book report to his class based on a book by Pastor John Hagee on prophecy. The boy stated that the recent earthquakes that devastated Japan and New Zealand are signs that indicate that Christ’s return is near. Poage says he preaches prophecy to warn those who are unaware of Christ’s soon return, and Reese points out that God will use the unlikely and weak vessels to bring his message to the people.  ***MARLAR: I heard the kid is a very effective public speaker – up to the point that he gets cranky because he hasn’t had his nap.

While the 10 commandments doesn’t include:  “thou shalt not eat chocolate cake,”– an unusual new study has found that people who regularly attend religious activities are 50 percent more likely to battle obesity by middle age.  “We don’t know why frequent religious participation is associated with development of obesity,” said Matthew Feinstein, the study’s lead investigator and a fourth-year student at Northwestern University Feinberg School of Medicine. “There have been a number of studies over the years that show more religious people tend to live longer, are less likely to smoke and have better mental health,” Feinstein noted.  “Religious people are doing a lot right, but this is one special area where there is room for improvement.”  ***MARLAR: How can you not know why religious folks tend to be fatter?  Dude, have you not ever BEEN to a church social?  Pot bellies come from pot luck.

E-mail users in North America and Europe who find themselves plagued with the incessant bombardment of spam can blame ten spammers singled out by junk mail fighter Spamhaus for the unwanted messages. The top 10 spammers allegedly send 80% of spam email.  ***MARLAR: If we know it’s just ten guys – doesn’t that mean we know who they are?  Let’s send some Jack Bauer kind of guy out to deal with them and call it a day.

RETRO NEWS: FORMERLY NEW, NOW NOT NEW, BUT STILL ENTERTAINING…

A teacher at a New York City public school has been charged with turning his fourth-grade classroom into a fighting ring.  Joseph Gullotta told two of his students, ages 9 and 10, to settle an argument with a classroom fight.  One of the students suffered a cut lip, and the other sustained a bruised and swollen head during the Jan. 28 incident at P.S. 65 in the Ozone Park neighborhood.  ***MARLAR: Actually, it’s the person reported this that should be in trouble.  After all, we all know the first rule of Fight Club.

Something stinks in Del Rio, Texas, and officials think they know exactly what’s causing it. Del Rio’s Community Health Service Center says they are being overrun by skunks. While the nocturnal animals stink, they do keep the rodents in check. Still, residents have a serious problem cohabiting with the skunks, so officials are offering cages to catch them.  ***MARLAR: Cages to catch then? Wouldn’t that just tick off the skunks even more?

A 76-year-old German man trying to thaw out his car incinerated it instead when he decided to speed things up by putting a blow heater under the hood.  “He burned the vehicle out completely,” said a spokesman for police in the western city of Hildesheim. Police said the man left the heater on next to the frozen windshield washer tank and returned indoors. Shortly afterwards he heard two explosions and returned to find the car ablaze.  ***MARLAR: So if your wife tells you to go “warm up the car”… don’t.

A dog had a lucky escape when a Polish boat rescued him from an ice floe that had carried him more than 100 miles up a river and out onto the icy waters of the Baltic Sea.  “My crew saw… a shape moving on the water and we immediately decided to get closer to check if it was a dog or maybe a seal relaxing on the ice,” Jan Joachim, senior officer aboard the Baltica, told Reuters Television.  “As we got closer to the ice floe we saw that it was a dog struggling not to fall into the water.”  ***MARLAR: Oh… so THAT’S what a salty dog is!

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