Darren’s Daily Dose of Weird News: December 14, 2010

NEW NEWS…

A judge in New York ruled that begging for money is a protected form of free speech.  ***MARLAR: Which received a huge sigh of relief from all of the government buildings.

British researchers say missing DNA may be to blame for severe obesity in some children. A study on 300 obese children found evidence that the lack of certain chunks of DNA may be promoting extreme weight gain. ***MARLAR: I knew being a fat slob wasn’t my fault.  Now where are my Cheetos?

A bid to slow down traffic by installing life-sized cardboard cut-outs of mini-skirted policewomen has backfired.  The cardboard cut-outs were installed at busy junctions throughout the country to save cash on installing new traffic lights. However, the scheme, in the Czech Republic, has actually doubled accident rates by distracting male motorists.  ***MARLAR: On the plus side, the country has a lot more revenue now due to people paying citations for reckless driving.

Taking low doses of aspirin can reduce the risk of many kinds of cancer, scientists said this week and the evidence is strong enough to suggest people over 40 should take it daily as protection.  Peter Rothwell of Britain’s Oxford University said that while taking aspirin carries a small risk of stomach bleeding, that risk was beginning to be “drowned out” by its benefits in reducing the risk of cancer and the risk of heart attacks.  ***MARLAR: Plus, if your stomach is bleeding, it won’t matter because you’re already taking aspirin for the pain!

RETRO NEWS: FORMERLY NEW, NOW NOT NEW, BUT STILL ENTERTAINING…

A teenager from Glastonbury, England is now the proud owner of the world’s longest name. 19-year-old George Garratt spent $20 bucks for an online deed service to legally change his name to: “Captain Fantastic Faster Than Superman Spiderman Batman Wolverine Hulk And The Flash Combined.” The boy said the name change, unofficially the world’s longest name, has his grandmother so outraged that she stopped speaking to him. Captain, as he is now called, said his family has come to expect such antics from him. He came up with the superhero theme on his own, then his friends made suggestions as to what names should be included. ***MARLAR: His family had a lot more names to call him, but we can’t list them here.

Police in Detroit are looking for a bank robber in desperate need of some dental hygiene. Tellers at the Charter One bank branch that was held up described him as having crooked yellow teeth and particularly bad breath. Witnesses also say he looks and smells dirty. Bad Breath Boy handed the tellers a note demanding money. While he implied he had a gun, no weapon was ever displayed. ***MARLAR: Police plan on charging him with assault with a deadly weapon anyway.

In Boston, the three little bears hauled Goldilocks to court and charged her with breaking-and-entering as well as vandalism charges! A group of 60 Girls Scouts of eastern Massachusetts acted as the jury in the mock trial at Northeastern University Law School. Lawyers from the Massachusetts Bar Association sat in as judge, prosecutor and defense attorney for the trial. The event was dubbed “Innocent or Guilty: Commonwealth vs. Gold E. Locks.” And it just wasn’t her day. Gold E. Locks was found guilty on all counts.  ***MARLAR: Next comes sentencing where they determine a punishment that’s not too hard, not too light, but just right.

In Goshen, Indiana, several motorists called to report a swerving vehicle. When police arrived, the vehicle — and ice cream truck — was stopped and the driver was selling ice cream to children, so the officer waited until Dennis D. Cogburn started up again. The officer said he followed the van and pulled it over after Cogburn failed to signal turns and swerved into the wrong lane. Cogburn failed field sobriety tests and was arrested on a preliminary charge of driving under the influence of alcohol.  ***MARLAR: He immediately blamed it on being overstocked with Rum Raisin.

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *