darrensdailydoseofnews12A guy arrested for slashing the tires of nearly 50 cars in Boulder, Colorado has an assortment of reasons for the spree: his mother, radiation and the braces he wore when he was a kid. Police say they spotted the guy crouched behind a police SUV. They went to investigate and found that a tire was leaking air. Police say the man told them he was frustrated by his relationship with his mother. He also blamed radiation from a former nuclear weapons plant in Colorado. And, if those two reasons weren’t enough, he said his desire to slash tires was because he had braces in the 1990s.  ***MARLAR: And I have a weight problem because I lost my G.I. Joe when I was six. 

Stephen Baldwin has a plan if they run out of food during “I’m a Celebrity, Get Me Out of Here!” He says if anything goes wrong and he has “to resort to cannibalism,” he’ll “be eating Sanjaya first.” But, Sanjaya doesn’t think it’s a good idea because he’s so skinny he doesn’t have “that much meat” on his body. ***MARLAR: But that much hair would be a great source of fiber. 

A former school board trustee from Southern California has been sentenced to two years of informal probation for stealing a bottle of ketchup from a college dining area.  Orange County Superior Court Judge Jacki Brown on Tuesday also ordered Steve Rocco to pay about $200 in fines and stay 100 yards away from the college.  Rocco was convicted by a jury last month of misdemeanor petty theft for stealing a 14-ounce bottle of ketchup from a Chapman University dining area.  The eccentric former Orange Unified School District trustee known for espousing conspiracy theories claims authorities planted the ketchup near his bicycle to make it look like a theft when he was recycling the bottle.  He says he will appeal.  ***MARLAR: No wonder he’s a FORMER trustee… he can’t even be trusted with an empty ketchup bottle. 

Kris Allen’s family is expanding – because long-lost relatives are coming out of the woodwork. Allen says someone approached him and claimed to be his cousin, but Allen had never see that person before. Turns out they were indeed related.  Even Allen’s wife is getting more attention. He says she had to shut down her Facebook profile because she was getting bogged down with messages.  ***MARLAR: If relatives come out of the woodwork once you get famous, why do I have family and friends disavowing any knowledge of my existence? 

An intruder smashed through the window of an empty business in Orangeburg, South Carolina. Cops showed up in time to catch the culprit looking like a deer caught in the headlights. It was a deer caught in the glaring lights of two officers. But, when one of the cops opened the door, the deer ran off. That deer caused about $800 in damage when it crashed through the large glass window. The officers’ report says simply that the crime was property damage and forced entry. And, the “subject” was a “large male deer.”  ***MARLAR: And now, by law, the business has a “Deer-Crossing” sign in the lobby. 

The London Sun reports that the Harvey Nichols store is selling a line of French fragrances called “Secretions Magnifiques” for $150 a bottle that smell like, among other things, sweat or spit.  ***MARLAR: Wouldn’t you smell like those even without the perfume?  Heck, I’ll personally spit on you for fifty bucks!

The U.N. is trying to promote the idea of combating world hunger by eating insects. Three dozen scientists from 15 nations suggested that the U.N. help promote small-scale insect ranches, distribute recipes, encourage the harvesting of locusts and other insects to grind into a paste to add to food, and even encourage astronauts to raise bugs in space to eat rather than try to carry meat. A Dutch entomologist known as “Mr. Edible Insect” blames Western disgust at eating bugs for the failure of aid agencies to incorporate insects into their mix, saying, “They are completely biased.”  ***MARLAR: He’s just not trying hard enough.  This guy needs to go to the (LOCAL COUNTY FAIR) – he’ll see that we’ll eat anything if it’s dipped in batter and deep-fried.

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