An Amherst man accused of trying to steal dirty diapers from a home has been sentenced to 30 months of probation. Dillon Makuski, 20, was convicted of possession of burglary tools. ***MARLAR: And burgled stools.
Running on empty may not be such a bad idea after all. Though many athletes eat before training, some scientists say that if you really want to get rid of more fat, you should skip the pre-workout snack. ***MARLAR: But can I still have my mid-workout Kit Kat?
A thief in the Democratic Republic of Congo has been sentenced to six months in jail for stealing cakes. It was either jail time for the crook or getting cooked up for dinner, because the thief in question is a duck. Dodo the duck was put in jail after an outside market complained that the duck was stealing cakes for its owner. When the owner could not be found, the duck went to jail. A judge refused the jailer’s request to be allowed to cook and eat the duck. ***MARLAR: The duck said he’d be willing to pay for the cakes saying, “just put in on my bill”!
A Texas company that sold a small, smelly “gas pill” it claimed would boost fuel efficiency in vehicles has been busted. Texas Attorney General Greg Abbott says Dallas-based BioPerformance has been ordered to pay more than seven-million dollars in restitution to customers it duped. The pills, which were to be dropped into a vehicle gas tank, were merely the same chemicals used in mothballs and toilet bowl deodorant bars. ***MARLAR: They won’t save you anything on gas, but your gas tank will look and smell fresh!
Someone is finally standing up to protest the idiotic names celebrities give their children. It’s rock star and “Live Aid” producer Bob Geldof’s daughter, Peaches Honeyblossom Michelle Charlotte Angel Vanessa Geldof. She said, “I hate ridiculous names, my weird name has haunted me all my life,” and she urged celebrities to stop cursing their kids with such names. Peaches has three sisters named Pixie, Fifi Trixabelle and Heavenly Hiraani Tiger Lily. ***MARLAR: Weird names also makes you unemployable. Can you imagine trying to fit “Peaches Honeyblossom Michelle Charlotte Angel Vanessa Geldof” onto a Burger King name tag?
A 13-year-old French girl, identified only as Anais, had written a letter to her late mother who died two years ago. Anais is still grieving her mother, so she wrote a letter and addressed the envelope as Paradise Street, Heaven. The letter was returned two days later with a stamp that read “unknown at this address” and a demand for $1.35 in postage due. The French post office has since apologized. ***MARLAR: Wait a minute… $1.35 postage due? So if she pays the postage then the letter WILL be delivered to Heaven?
A Minnesota representative proposed a bill to encourage schools to ban fragrances because teenage boys are soaking themselves in Axe body spray instead of showering, in the belief it attracts girls. ***MARLAR: Guys, if you really want to attract girls, try a shower.
A U.C.-Berkeley study of 49,000 people found no connection between eating a low fat diet and getting cancer, heart disease, diabetes, or even gaining weight. ***MARLAR: So can I PLEASE go back to putting cream cheese on my donuts?!