Darren’s Daily Dose of Weird News: March 01, 2011

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NEW NEWS…

A D.C. Council member wants to highlight the city’s lack of statehood and is asking residents to pick another name for Pennsylvania Avenue.  Among the options on the online survey are Let D.C. Vote Way, 51st State Way and Free D.C. Avenue.  ***MARLAR: Another option was to rename it “Barack Obama Parkway”, but then it would become a toll road and require change.

Wisconsin teachers think they have reason to be upset – at least they’re not being fired outright.  Apparently every single teacher in Providence, Rhode Island (1,926 teachers) is getting a dismissal notice!  Oh… and they’re being fired by EMAIL!  School superintendant Tom Brady sent an email to all of the teachers and school staff saying, “We are forced to take this precautionary action by the March 1st deadline given the dire budget outline for the 2011-2012 school year in which we are projecting a near $40 million deficit for the district.  Since the full extent of the potential cuts to the school budget have yet to be determined, issuing a dismissal letter to all teachers was necessary to give the mayor, the School Board and the district maximum flexibility to consider every cost savings option, including reductions in staff.” Apparently state law requires that teachers be notified about potential changes to their employment status by March 1st.  ***MARLAR: At least the Wisconsin teachers have jobs.  Perhaps they could lend their picket signs to the teachers in Providence, Rhode Island.  Those folks are going to need signs so they can stand on street corners and let people know they “Will educate for food.”

Wisconsin’s public school administrators are being advised to approve preliminary layoff notices for staff by the end of the month — even before they find out how much the state is expected to contribute to their budgets.  The Wisconsin Association of School Boards is urging local school officials to decide on staff cuts by Monday.  ***MARLAR: Personally, I’d begin with cuts to the teachers who somehow felt well enough to picket even though they called in sick.

Some 1,900 guests will be at the wedding of Prince William and Kate Middleton at Westminster Abbey on April 29th.  The Obama’s are not on the list.   ***MARLAR: Probably because they’ll be out of town on vacation… again.

RETRO NEWS: FORMERLY NEW, NOW NOT NEW, BUT STILL ENTERTAINING…

Two Beverly Hills plastic surgeons recently surveyed colleagues to find the most requested celebrity body parts, and the Star tabloid figured that if you combined them all, it should create the perfect face. To find out, they pieced together a photo of a woman with Katie Holmes’ eyes, Katherine Heigl’s nose, Keira Knightley’s cheeks, Jessica Simpson’s long blonde hair and Angelina Jolie’s lips; and a photo of a young man with Daniel Craig’s blue eyes, Leonardo DiCaprio’s nose and Matt Damon’s lips. The woman ended up looking like Jeri Ryan if she’d had too much plastic surgery, and the man looked like a young Jay Leno with a smaller chin. ***MARLAR: In other words, Jay Leno is one chin surgery away from perfection.

What becomes of the broken-hearted? They can go to a hospital in Germany. A clinic for the broken-hearted has been set up in Germany to give emergency treatment to those who have been dumped. The clinic is mainly for love-sick teenagers who do not know how to cope with a broken heart.  ***MARLAR: And they’ll tell you everything they tell everyone else.  “You’ll get over it, the pain will eventually go away, you’ll meet someone else someday, you’re too good for that person anyway, we know that you hearing all of this doesn’t make a hill-of-beans difference to you right now, so here’s a gallon of ice cream and a spoon.”

A 33-pound cat in China is being described as a “feline monster” because of its 31-inch waist and large size. The 9-year-old cat is so heavy it needs the help of its owner to get onto a bed. However, the cat is in surprisingly good health despite its weight. The cat’s owner said it has no interest in eating fish but prefers to eat six pounds of chicken and pork each day.  ***MARLAR: I did the math, and that’s over 18% of the cat’s weight every single day!  If that were me, I’d have to eat sixty-three pounds of food every single day!  So, if you’ll excuse me, I’ve got some catching up to do.

Police arrested two women after a former lover burst into a Waffle House on Valentine’s Day and beat a man with her high-heel. Police charged 29-year-old woman and 32-year-old woman with battery and criminal damage to private property following the incident.  According to a police report, officers reporting to the Waffle House along U.S. 80 found an unidentified victim who suffered cuts and scrapes on his face that appeared to be made by the “spiked heel from a shoe.”  The victim told officers that he and his girlfriend were at a booth when a pair of sisters – one of whom is the mother of his children – came in and sparked an argument.  ***MARLAR: Sounds like there were a lot of heels in this argument.

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