Darren’s Daily Dose of Weird News – November 04, 2010

NEW NEWS…

Are we so PC now that Humpty Dumpty can’t even have a great fall? The BBC has been criticized after rewriting the classic nursery rhyme to have a happy ending. The last line, “All the king’s horses and all the king’s men, couldn’t put Humpty together again,” was changed for a kids show to say, “All the kings horses and all the kings men made Humpty Dumpty happy again!” Tom Harris watched the show, called “Something Special,” with his sons aged three and five and said, “For goodness sake. Kids should be exposed to real life a bit, not cosseted away. We need to stop this moronic activity. Let them see colorful and violent cartoons, and let them be children.” ***MARLAR: I agree – I think children’s stories SHOULD be more realistic.  How about this… “Jack and Jill went up the hill to fetch a pail of water.  Jack fell down and broke his crown, Jill called 911, but Jack is still out of luck because he’s on the Obama health care plan.”

A feisty 88-year-old Kentucky woman said she must have had perfect aim when she fought off an intruder by kicking him. Kathryn Byassee said she came upon the intruder, who was wearing a pumpkin mask, at 5 a.m. Tuesday in her kitchen. Byassee told WPSD-TV that she asked him who he was and what he wanted and he never answered her, instead wrestling her into her bedroom and trying to smother her with a pillow.  That’s when Byassee said she was “mad enough to do almost anything,” so she kicked him. She said she thinks she “hit a vital spot, and he left.”  ***MARLAR: In other words, the guy in the pumpkin mask got kicked in the gourds.

Students at Memphis City Schools are complaining there’s no ketchup. No mustard, either. Calvin Jones, the interim head of food services, said the schools have plenty of bulk condiments, but not enough cafeteria workers to squirt them into little plastic cups. The schools are asking for individual packs.  The Commercial Appeal reported the school board approved $77,514 to buy little fast-food packs of ketchup on Oct. 18 and hopes to have it in the lunch lines next week.  In the meantime, French fries, corn dogs and chicken tenders go unadorned, unless students opt for hot sauce, barbecue sauce or mayonnaise.  ***MARLAR: Mmmm corn dogs with mayonnaise.  And we wonder why childhood obesity is a problem.

An Idaho family is out of its gourds thanks to publicity about a tax agency threatening to close their pumpkin stand for lack of a state permit.  Kami Charais tells the Lewiston Tribune they made three times as much money as expected, bringing in $600 to pay for wrestling and dance lessons for their children, 6-year-old Jacob and 4-year-old Sami-Lou.  She figures they’ll pay $36 in sales tax to the state.  The kids sold the squash from their porch, splitting the profits with the grower. Some people made donations and others drove from as far away as Spokane, Wash., to grab a gourd.  A representative of the Idaho State Tax Commission has said the stop was meant to inform the family that they needed permits and to pay the state’s 6 percent sales tax.  ***MARLAR: I need to find out some way to be threatened with taxes on my radio show then… maybe then I’ll get more listeners out of protest.

Sarah Glidden is one of the few people who can say she collided with a deer – while on foot. The Hortonville High School sophomore was running at a cross country sectional at Wausau’s 9-Mile County Forest course on Oct. 22 when an antlerless deer bolted from the woods.  With about 100 meters to go, Glidden partially spun around but she managed to maintain her balance. She kept running.  The 15-year-old said she felt fur on her leg but she only has a bruise. She failed to qualify for the state meet, placing 18th overall.  ***MARLAR: She would’ve placed better, but it was difficult to run with a dead dear strapped to her back.

RETRO NEWS: FORMERLY NEW, NOW NOT NEW, BUT STILL ENTERTAINING…

DeAnn Griffiths didn’t just attending her daughter’s college commencement. She graduated with her. Both Griffiths and daughter Kathleen Bradshaw received their degrees from Utah State. Bradshaw says she had a blast going to school with mom. But she says they couldn’t have too much fun or their grades would suffer. Mom isn’t ready to leave school just yet. Griffiths is going for her master’s degree in high school counseling. And she won’t be lonely, either. She has five other children who are Utah State students.  ***MARLAR: If Mom is gonna be there with you anyway, you might as well take advantage of it and get her as a lab partner.  She’d be awesome in Home Ec., and the way she carves roast beef at the dinner table – just imagine what she could do with a frog in Biology class!

So, you’ve got the Harley, the Jet Ski and the vintage Vette. But where are you going to park those grown-up toys? How about a garage condo? A company called GarageTown U-S-A is selling upscale parking spots. Prices for a garage condo range from 42-grand to 116-thousand dollars.  Facilities are in the works in 20 locations from the Pacific Northwest to Texas and Arizona. Marketing manager Carrie Berglund says not all their customers are looking for a place to park their pricey wheels. She says they sold one unit to three guys with a band, because their wives didn’t like loud music in their homes. ***MARLAR: So, it’s like a garage band… but only for the elite richest 1% of America.

A hundred dollar ride home may not seem like much of a bargain. But it beats a drunk-driving arrest.  At least that’s the thinking behind the No D-U-I Tonight service being offered by a Chicago-area towing company. Bar-hoppers who’ve had a little too much can call the Smith Companies. The tow truck operator will send a wrecker to give both the car and driver a lift home. The service costs 85 bucks plus two dollars a mile. But Naperville police Captain Gary Bolt doesn’t know if it will catch on. He notes a cab ride is a lot cheaper and more comfortable.  ***MARLAR: Does that really matter?  It’s not like the customer is going to remember it the next day anyway.

Sorry Russia — you’ve just been named the country with the world’s worst tourists! The survey was done by the web site “Real Holiday Reports” and completed by more than 1,000 of our British friends who vacationed abroad this summer in Spain, France, Cyprus, Malta, Italy, Turkey, Greece and Portugal. A whopping one third gave the pesky Russians– now dubbed “the new Germans”–the thumbs down. Germany had held the title for several years. According to the poll Russians are notorious for hogging those precious sun-loungers around the pool, eat “almost everything” at all-inclusive vacation spots, belch in public, and dress like obnoxious teenagers. (Ananova) ***MARLAR: Sounds like the perfect vacation to me!

In Niceville, Florida, a woman has been arrested after attacking another woman who was smoking a cigarette. And the attacker’s weapon of choice — a 9 ounce can of Glade Potpourri Air Freshener. Police were called to an apartment complex where they found the suspect spraying the air freshener around another woman’s head. She allegedly sprayed the contents of the can continuously for nearly a minute. The police report quoted the sprayer as saying she’ll continue to spray the air freshener and threatened she’d take the case all the way to the Supreme Court, maintaining her right to breathe fresh air. In the meantime, she now faces battery charges. (Northwest Florida Daily News) ***MARLAR: Stories don’t get much better than this.  A woman is charged with battery for using air freshener, and takes place in NICEVILLE, Florida.

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