Darren’s Daily Dose of Weird News: November 09, 2010

NEW NEWS…

In addition to buying your groceries, shampoo and cleaning supplies at Wal-Mart, you can add another discounted item to your list: A casket. Yes, Wal-Mart has started selling caskets at prices that undercut most funeral homes. However, Wal-Mart’s caskets are only available online from the company’s web site. The selection of 15 caskets and dozens of urns ranges in price from $999 to $3,199. Most are under $2,000.  ***MARLAR: Wal-Mart actually created demand for caskets after so many of their customers were killed by the falling prices.

Sick of marauding shoppers trampling through stores on Black Friday, ripping at each other’s throats to get the precious few deep-discounted doorbusters dangled in front of their shnozzles to suck them in, Dartmouth, MA has passed a new law. Stores that open early the day after Thanksgiving now have to get a waiver and submit a safety plan to the town.  If they don’t, the store will get fined $100/min for the first 30 minutes they are in violation of the law, $200/min for the next 30, and $300/min after the first hour. ***MARLAR: Sounds like the plan for Black Friday is to put the town’s coffers in the black.

Authorities have arrested a man who they believe robbed the same South Bend bank branch four times since late August. Federal prosecutors allege that 42-year-old William Easley robbed the 1st Source Bank on Aug. 23, Sept. 10, Oct. 5 and Oct. 13, taking about $14,000 in all.  Easley surrendered at the St. Joseph County Jail early Oct. 20. Authorities said that in each robbery the man entered the bank on the city’s east side, brandishing what appeared to be a handgun. The robber wore a bandanna over his face, but tellers believed it was the same person.  ***MARLAR: Apparently he just didn’t understand.  The saying goes, “If at first you DON’T succeed… try, try again.”

Police said nurses examining a pregnant jail inmate in Cincinnati found a baby wasn’t the only thing she was carrying. Police said 24-year-old January Newport was being prepared for a Cesarean section last month when nurses found hidden in her vagina some 15 pills used to treat anxiety.  ***MARLAR: Maybe she thought her baby was nervous.

RETRO NEWS: FORMERLY NEW, NOW NOT NEW, BUT STILL ENTERTAINING…

According to a study by Salary.com, if a full-time stay-at-home mom were paid market wages for all her work, she would earn $134,121 a year – comparable to a judge or a top advertising executive. To reach that figure, they calculated the earning power of the ten jobs moms said most closely described what they do: housekeeper, day care teacher, cook, computer operator, facilities manager, van driver, janitor, chief executive, psychologist, and laundry machine operator.  ***MARLAR: Laundry machine operator? Boy, that had to bring down the average salary – I’ve seen people at the Laundromat that can’t figure out why their quarters keep disappearing in the slots.

Police say a 61-year-old man annoyed with a crying 2-year-old girl at a suburban Atlanta Walmart slapped the child several times after warning the toddler’s mother to keep her quiet. A police report says after the stranger hit the girl at least four times, he said: “See, I told you I would shut her up.” Roger Stephens of Stone Mountain is charged with felony cruelty to children. ***MARLAR: However, the customers at the Wal-Mart did give him a standing ovation as he was led out in handcuffs.

Web surfing can get you trouble with your honey. But soon divorces could be as quick as a mouse click.  At least in Brazil. The Brazilian Senate has approved a bill that would allow uncontested divorces to be filed and settled on the Internet. The Senate’s official news agency says the bill would speed divorce proceedings, allowing couples to split without lawyers or having to wait in line in court. The online divorce bill must still be approved by the Brazilian House and signed by the president.  ***MARLAR: They expect him to text or I.M. an answer by the end of the week.

A Gulf coast raccoon found itself in a tight spot. The critter got its head stuck in a peanut butter jar.  A Florida sheriff’s deputy (Pinellas County) responded to the raccoon in distress call and used a gentle approach. The deputy managed to ease the jar off the animal and set it free. The sheriff’s office reports no injury to either the deputy or the critter.  ***MARLAR: I have to admit I have a hard time scraping out the last little big from those jars too.

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