Darren’s Daily Dose of Weird News: November 16, 2010

NEW NEWS…

U.S. astronomers have discovered the heaviest neutron star.  ***MARLAR: They’ve named it John Goodman.

A central Pennsylvania man faces shoplifting charges after police said he tried to steal a pair of women’s high-heel shoes by wearing them out of a department store. Lancaster police said 22-year-old Kyle James Eckman went into a store dressing room and put on a pair of size-10 heels then walked out without paying. He was stopped outside the store with his own shoes inside the shoebox in a shopping bag.  Police said Eckman faces felony charges because of two prior retail theft convictions. He is being held on $50,000 bail.  ***MARLAR: And then added that he had great legs.

Breaking up seems hard to do for a Rockingham County man. The sheriff’s department said Allen Turner faces a breaking and entering charge after deputies found him in a crawlspace under his former mother-in-law’s house. Authorities said Turner’s ex-wife was staying at the house and he tried to awaken her Thursday morning by throwing acorns at a glass.  A sheriff’s deputy said Jessica Turner then got a text message saying Allen Turner left his car in the driveway because he ran out of gas. She discovered he’d actually entered the house through an unlocked window.  Allen Turner then called his ex-wife and said he got a ride and left, but deputies searched and found him under the house.  ***MARLAR: Ironically, his wife divorced him because she said he never paid any attention to her.

A Maryland jury has convicted a woman of burglary, assault and reckless endangerment for breaking into her neighbor’s house wearing nothing but a bridal skirt and veil on a snowy night in February. Thirty-three-year old Melissa Wagaman testified Thursday that a combination of cold medicine and marijuana apparently made her hallucinate that she was getting married and her mother was locked in her neighbor’s basement.  Wagaman broke a dining room window with her head, causing shattered glass to cut an artery in her neighbor’s arm.  The jury rejected her defense and she now faces up to 23 years in prison.  ***MARLAR: Because her defense was that she was smoking marijuana while using cough syrup, Maryland legislators are demanding stiffer laws on distribution of cough syrup.

RETRO NEWS: FORMERLY NEW, NOW NOT NEW, BUT STILL ENTERTAINING…

It’s not your grandfather’s prom band — but it could be your mom’s. The band Ceyx (sees) has played the prom at Michigan’s Bay City All Saints High for 21 of the past 29 years. Singer and drummer Dean Rusch says they know all the right buttons to push. For this year’s prom, the band’s set included the Commodores “Brick House” and Wild Cherry’s “Play That Funky Music.” Ceyx played at prom 27 years ago for Kathy Swiercz. This year it was her daughter’s prom and mom says all the good memories came rushing back. She says she wished she had her prom dress and could dance with the kids.  ***MARLAR: But it was too out-of-date to wear… just like the lead singer’s toupee.

It’s a burger battle royale. Three communities claim to be the home of the hamburger: Seymour, Wisconsin; Athens, Texas, and New Haven, Connecticut. Now, Wisconsin lawmakers are getting into the beef. The state Assembly has passed a resolution declaring the burger was born in 1885 when Charles “Hamburger Charlie” Nagreen of Seymour started calling his ground beef patty-in-a-bun a hamburger. Now, the burger resolution goes on to the Wisconsin Senate.  ***MARLAR: Gee… it’s good to know our tax dollars are going towards really important stuff, innit?

Socks snatcher James Dowdy hasn’t been toeing the line. His affinity for ladies’ hose has cost him three stints in prison. Now, authorities in St. Clair County, Illinois, report Dowdy is in trouble with the law again. He’s been charged with felony attempted burglary and misdemeanor disorderly conduct. Belleville police Captain Don Sax says it looks like Dowdy was just after socks in the suspected break-ins.  Dowdy’s legal troubles date back more than a dozen years, all related to stealing socks.  ***MARLAR: That’s right – not only are they ugly, but sock monkeys are highly addictive too.

A Baltimore teen wrote a message, put it in a bottle and threw it into the ocean. Five years later, his note turned up on the other side of the Atlantic. Daniel Knopp was 14-year-old high school student when he wrote the short note on June 21, 2004. He had been vacationing at the time with his parents aboard a cruise ship departing Freeport in the Bahamas. Tony Hoskings, a retired electrician, was walking his dog along a sandy beach when he spotted the green glass receptacle on July 18. Although the bottle was a little worse for wear, the letter was very readable. He waited until he was in the company of his grandchildren to uncork the bottle and read the message: “Hello, my name is Daniel Knopp. I am on a cruise ship. I hope whoever reads this finds great joy. God bless. I live in the Baltimore/DC area.”  ***MARLAR: They then sent a reply, “Hello, we found your bottle… stop littering.”

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