Darren’s Daily Dose of Weird News: November 30, 2010

NEW NEWS…

How far would you go to lose weight? Some people in California are so desperate to shed those unwanted pounds, they’re undergoing a surgical procedure that makes eating solid foods incredibly painful.  More than 60 patients of plastic surgeon Dr. Nikolas Chugay, who has offices in Beverly Hills and Long Beach, have elected to have a patch surgically applied to their tongue.  It’s designed to “make chewing of solid foods very difficult and painful, limiting the patient to a liquid diet.”  ***MARLAR: So how does that stop you from downing chocolate shakes all day?

According to “The Guardian”, over $4 million have been invested in the UK Clinical Research Collaboration, which is creating a smart-phone app that will allow users, “to put saliva on to a computer chip about the size of a USB chip, plug it into their phone or computer and receive a diagnosis within minutes.”  ***MARLAR: Of course, that means getting your phone wet and you know how cell providers love it when you do that.

It’s no secret that millions of Americans are sleep-deprived, and being drowsy at the wheel is adding to the dangerous mix of cell phones and texting that drivers face each day.   In a new study by the AAA Foundation for Traffic Safety, 41 percent of drivers admitted that at some point in their lives, they had nodded off at the wheel. Eleven percent said they’d fallen asleep within the past year, and the Chicago Tribune reported that some drivers confessed they had been asleep for more than a minute on a multilane road.  After analyzing the new data, researchers say accidents involving sleepy drivers are responsible for significantly more accidents than previously thought.  ***MARLAR: It’s thought that one factor is many young drivers think cruise control is the same as auto pilot.

Blame bug bombs for those foul odors that drew a team of emergency responders to a senior citizens’ high-rise home. The Morning Call reported on its website that hazardous materials specialists and firefighters were stunned by the intense fumes coming from a second-floor room of the East Penn Place home and evacuated the entire floor late Wednesday night.  But firefighters quickly learned, the newspaper reported on its website late Thursday, that a resident had set off several insect foggers in his apartment and that caused the incident which set off smoke alarms.  No one was hurt and most residents returned home, but some rooms must be cleaned.  ***MARLAR: Which they’re hoping will also get rid of the senior-citizen smell.

As police in Lexington sought a second man for theft of copper from a vacant house, Charles Creech came tumbling through a ceiling. The 36-year-old Creech had hidden in the basement ceiling after police responded to a neighbor’s call about noise coming from the house.  Police spokesman Lt. Chris Van Brackel told the Lexington Herald-Leader officers captured 52-year-old David Hartsell after a foot chase and were checking the home when the drywall gave way and Creech fell to the floor.  ***MARLAR: That’s what happens when you’re weighed down with copper.

The FBI says a southwestern Pennsylvania bank robbery suspect has been caught “red-handed.” Fifty-year-old Kurt Fritzel, of Charleroi, is in jail after police and the FBI say he robbed a Citizens Bank branch a few doors down from his apartment. Witnesses say a dye pack hidden in the money he stole exploded in his hands, creating a red cloud that led authorities to his home.  ***MARLAR: Kurt was eventually caught… red-handed.

RETRO NEWS: FORMERLY NEW, NOW NOT NEW, BUT STILL ENTERTAINING…

Florida Power & Light, one of Florida’s largest utility companies, has been accused of mistakenly sending a shipment of radioactive waste to a farm pasture. ***MARLAR: And now, just a few tips to tell if your farm is radioactive or not…

o    Your potatoes come with the same amount of eyes but start growing eyelids.

o    Roosters stop crowing for the more effective method of waking people by glowing bright green at 4 a.m.

o    Chickens begin escaping their coops to “attack Tokyo.”

o    “Chicken Little” became “Chicken Big.”

o    The cows start milking themselves.

o    Turtles from your farm’s pond take up Ninjitsu and name themselves after Renaissance period painters.

An American group has threatened to take an Israeli city before an international court for violating the rights to mermaids. The conflict began when Kiryat Yam offered a $1 million prize for anyone who could prove a mermaid really lived off their shores. The Mermaid Medical Association, of Brooklyn, New York, responded that the prize, “outrageously damages the legendary mermaid legacy,” and threatened to file a complaint with the International Court of Justice in The Hague, Netherlands. Officials have appealed to the association, suggesting that the search will help “perpetuate and preserve” the mermaid legend.  ***MARLAR: They’ve found plenty of singing crabs, just no mermaids.

Dalton Chiscolm is suing Bank of America for over $1.78 septillion — a septillion is 1 with 24 zeros after it. If Bank of America agreed to pay what its customer is asking, it would wipe out the bank’s $196 billion in common equity 9.1 trillion times over. Apparently, Chiscolm was unhappy because Bank of America would not deposit some of his checks due to problems with their routing numbers. Chiscolm’s lawsuit requests damages for his suffering, specifically, he asks that “1,784 billion, trillion dollars” be deposited into his ATM account the next day. He also demanded an additional $200,164,000.”  ***MARLAR: Which compared to his lawsuit is like asking for .0000000000000002 cents.  Hardly seems worth the effort now.

University of Alberta geneticist David Coltman tested a clump of hair found at an alleged Bigfoot sighting in Teslin, Canada, and announced that it is “100 percent bison.” What’s more, it was so old, it might have come from a stuffed bison. But Coltman said this doesn’t disprove the existence of Bigfoot, since Bigfoot might have stepped in a pile of bison hair. The news was a disappointment to nine Teslin residents, who said they found the hair after spotting a large creature that came out of the woods and left a big footprint. ***MARLAR: So either Bigfoot likes to wear fur coats, or there’s a species of bison that walks on its hind legs and has five toes.

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