Darren’s Daily Dose of Weird News – October 18, 2010

Shelby Marwan Heggs of Macon admits he’s been a sinner, but hopes his past won’t keep a judge from allowing him to become a Saint. Heggs, who has convictions for drunken driving and marijuana possession, has filed a court petition that would allow him to change his name to Saint Jody Almighty Bedrock.  Heggs, who also faces an aggravated battery charge next month, said he’s rededicated his life to God, The Telegraph newspaper in Macon reported.  “I wanted a name that everybody would know when they were talking to me that they were talking to a man of God,” said Heggs. “I wanted that to be expressed in my name.”  ***MARLAR: Dude, this is NOT going to make people look at you as a man of God.  Think about it, it hasn’t worked a lick for Mexican guys named Jesus.

Dog owners, beware: If you live in suburban Chicago and don’t pick up after your pet, you might get tossed an unpleasant reminder. Police in Naperville said a woman who stepped in dog feces outside her apartment appears to have retaliated by heaving it at the door of her neighbor who owns a dog.  Susan Miller was charged with disorderly conduct after her bizarre protest.  The Naperville Sun reported that police say Miller also uprooted a sign telling residents to pick up dog waste and placed it on the neighbor’s patio. Miller was arrested after the neighbor called police.  An unapologetic Miller said that if she can pick up the poop from her 80-pound dog, her neighbor can pick up after a 20-pound dog.  ***MARLAR: Or we could just serve the 20-pound dog to the 80-pound dog as breakfast.  Problem solved.

Drivers annoyed by parking tickets in Cambridge, Mass., are getting some calming advice from city officials – try yoga.  The city’s parking tickets include instructions on the reverse on how to bend into some simple yoga positions.  The city, which is home to Harvard and MIT, printed 40,000 of the tickets as part of a public art project by artist-in-residence Daniel Peltz. Cambridge parking enforcement officers hand out about 340,000 tickets per year.  Susan Clippinger, the city’s transportation chief, tells the Boston Herald the purpose of the tickets is to “debunk the idea that all parking tickets are a hostile action.”  Not everyone is buying it. Cambridge resident Hyunho Noh said “it’s not working” as he showed up to pay a $25 ticket.  ***MARLAR: Plus, have you ever tried yoga behind a steering wheel?  That’ll get you another ticket right there.

A retired circus chimpanzee is the Cezanne of simians, drawing crowds to a Brazilian zoo to watch him paint. The 26-year-old chimp called Jimmy has been producing surprisingly lovely paintings each day for three weeks at the Niteroi Zoo.  Trainer Roched Seba said Monday Jimmy doesn’t like the toys and other diversions that other chimps enjoy. So three weeks ago, Seba introduced him to painting after reading about animals in zoos elsewhere that enjoyed a little canvas time.  Temperamental as great artists can be, Jimmy at times declines to paint if his cage is surrounded by too many gawkers.  But for at least 30 minutes a day, he carefully dips his brush into plastic paint containers and uses broad, bold strokes to create his art.  ***MARLAR: Not surprisingly, most of his paintings appear to be large bananas or naked female chimps.

This one sounds too crazy to be true. Word has it that a burglar in Japan broke into a woman’s home and stole all her money. But for some reason he felt sorry for the traumatized burglary victim, so he actually gave her a receipt for the things he stole! And the receipt included his name and address.  ***MARLAR: Of course. In the event she wants to get her stuff back there’s no way she can do it without a receipt. It only makes sense, right?

A Detroit-area lawyer is suing Procter & Gamble, saying his teeth have brown stains after he used Crest Pro-Health mouthwash. Mark Rossman’s law partners filed the lawsuit in federal court in Detroit. He says P&G should put a warning on the bottle. P&G spokeswoman Laura Brinker declined to comment on the lawsuit but says “99.9 percent” of users have not complained.  ***MARLAR: So does that mean that .1% of customers complained that their teeth turned brown.  That’s not enough?

It sounds like every school kids’ dream – three-day weekends. But students in Tatum, N.M., will find they only have class four days a week when school starts this fall. The new schedule has nothing to do with giving the kids more free time.  It’s a cost-saving measure. Superintendent Buddy Little says the Monday-through-Thursday schedule adds 37 minutes to each school day. Officials note the shorter school week will shave as much as five percent off the budget because of lower utility costs and fewer school bus runs.  ***MARLAR: So you have to work 37 extra minutes per day… but you get a three day weekend?  Can I go back to school at my age?

Authorities say an 86-year-old woman charged with shoplifting wrinkle cream and other items from a Chicago grocery store has been arrested 61 times since 1956. Ella Orko was arrested Sunday afternoon on the North Side after she allegedly stuffed $252 worth of groceries into her pants, including cosmetics, salmon, batteries and instant coffee. She was charged with felony shoplifting. Police say Orko has gone by as many as 20 aliases in the past. Court records indicate that she has now been arrested 61 times and has 13 convictions for shoplifting. She’s being held on $10,000 bail.  ***MARLAR: Although they did note that her skin was silky smooth and youthful looking.

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