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PRINTER FRIENDLY VERSION: 20151201
WELCOME TO THE SHOW!
It’s important to do your Christmas shopping early, so you can buy up all the cheap presents to give to your friends before they can buy them to give to you.
After much thought and prayer, I’ve decided my dream of being a late night TV host will never come to fruition. First, I don’t like doing interviews. Second, I don’t like sport coats.
BIBLE VERSE OF THE DAY
Always be joyful. Never stop praying. Be thankful in all circumstances, for this is God’s will for you who belong to Christ Jesus. –1 Thessalonians 5:16-18
1 John 5:4 = “for everyone born of God overcomes the world. This is the victory that has overcome the world, even our faith.”
Your word is a lamp to my feet and a light for my path. — Psalm 119:105
HEARTLIGHT DAILY VERSE, PRAYER & THOUGHT
Do everything without complaining or arguing, so that you may become blameless and pure, children of God without fault in a crooked and depraved generation, in which you shine like stars in the universe. — Philippians 2:14-15
Thought: I guess it’s only natural to think that the problems of our own time in history are due to the pervasive depravity of our own time. Thankfully the Bible repeatedly reminds us that God’s people have always had to swim upstream against culture. As children of God, we are to be bright stars in the dark night sky of our secular culture. Rather than constantly complaining about our worldly culture or our time in history, let’s light the path for others to see another way to live.
Prayer: Almighty God, thank you for calling me to such a high and holy task. I want to shine like a star against the darkness of the culture around me. Please help me as I seek to live a holy life that has a redemptive influence on those around me who do not know Jesus. In Jesus’ name I pray. Amen.
“BIRTHDAY VERSE” OF THE DAY
The chapter and verse corresponds to the month and the day!
Hebrews 12:1 NIV = Therefore, since we are surrounded by such a great cloud of witnesses, let us throw off everything that hinders and the sin that so easily entangles, and let us run with perseverance the race marked out for us.
TODAY IS TUESDAY – DECEMBER 01, 2015
(NOTE: Some holidays may be duplicated due to various calendars reporting conflicting dates)
WEIRD, WACKY, STRANGE, ZANY, ODD, BIZARRE, QUIRKY, UNUSUAL HOLIDAYS!
THERE ARE ONLY 24 SHOPPING DAYS UNTIL CHRISTMAS.
NATIONAL TOLERANCE WEEK begins today. ***MARLAR: We should ban intolerant people from society – I can’t stand them.
NATIONAL STRESS-FREE FAMILY HOLIDAYS MONTH begins. ***MARLAR: Yeah, right. Let me know how that goes for you.
Today is MY HUSBAND’S STRUNG THE CHRISTMAS LIGHTS AND NOW I CAN’T OPEN THE GARAGE DOOR DAY, commemorating an alleged actual event described by a radio listener named Mary Jo.
Today is NATIONAL PIE DAY. ***MARLAR: Today? We’ve had pumpkin pies since after Halloween, we ate tons of pie on Thanksgiving, we still have tons of pie as leftovers, we have even more pie coming our way for Christmas, and they choose a day BETWEEN all of that to promote pie?
The annual CHIA PET HUNTING SEASON begins today. ***MARLAR: The weapon of choice to hunt them with is, of course, a Salad Shooter… or possibly a Veg-O-Matic.
TODAY IS ALSO. . .
Bifocals at the Monitor Liberation Day
Civil Air Patrol Day
Day With(out) Art Day
Rosa Parks Day
COMING UP NEXT
WEDNESDAY, DECEMBER 02
International Day for the Abolition of Slavery
Safety Razor Day
Special Education Day
Rockefeller Center Tree Lighting
THURSDAY, DECEMBER 03
National Christmas Tree Lighting (Washington D.C.)
FRIDAY, DECEMBER 04
Faux Fur Friday
National Dice Day
National Salesperson Day
SATURDAY, DECEMBER 05
Bathtub Party Day
International Volunteer Day for Economic & Social Development
SUNDAY, DECMEBER 06
National Pawnbrokers Day
St Nicholas Day
XTERRA Trail Running Championship
MONDAY, DECEMBER 07
National Pearl Harbor Remembrance Day
International Civil Aviation Day
National Cotton Candy Day
TUESDAY, DECEMBER 08
Pretend To Be a Time-Traveler Day
ON THIS DAY
1881: U.S. patent #253,763 was issued for the heated mobile bathtub. ***MARLAR: Whatever happened to that product? Who wouldn’t love to have a Jacuzzi at the office?
1891: Canadian YMCA trainer James Naismith nailed two peach baskets on opposite ends of the Spring College gym in Massachusetts and instructed his students to toss soccer balls into them. It’s the birth of basketball.
1913: America’s first drive-in auto service station opened in Pittsburgh.
1929: Edwin S. Lowe invented the game of Bingo. Not to be confused with Bingo, the pet chimpanzee on TV’s The Abbott and Costello Show, or Bingo the dog on a box of Cracker Jacks. Lowe’s Bingo was similar to a popular carnival game called Beano. ***MARLAR: Not to be confused with the anti-farting pills.
1955: Seamstress Rosa Parks was arrested in Montgomery, Alabama, for refusing to give up her bus seat to a white man. The arrest sparked a year-long bus boycott by blacks.
1975: Singer Bette Midler celebrated her 30th birthday with an emergency appendectomy.
1975: When the daytime soap, The Edge of Night, moved from CBS to ABC, CBS filled up the time slot by expanding As the World Turns from 30 minutes to a full hour each day.
1989: Recyclers in Verona, Italy, completed a stadium built with two million empty aluminum cans. Some 150 workers spent 18,000 hours building the structure. ***MARLAR: But then some jerk came by and crushed them all on his forehead.
1990: British and French workers met under the English channel, dug a hole large enough to walk through, and shook hands, linking their nations with the Channel Tunnel.
1992: In New York Amy Fisher was sentenced to 5-to-15 years in prison for shooting and wounding Mary Ann Buttafuoco. Within a year there were three TV movies about the case.
1995: An auction of singer Frank Sinatra’s possessions earned just over $2 million.
1998: Cuba declared Santa Claus and nativity scenes could finally return to the island nation, 30 years after Christmas was abolished as a public holiday.
1998: Exxon agreed to buy Mobil for $73.7 billion.
2001: A Florida man wanted by police for drug possession was arrested when his 15-month-old son accidentally dialed 911. Jacksonville police responded to the call, heard the child crying, and kicked in the door. The toddler’s father said he saw police at the door but was afraid to answer.
2004: Tom Brokaw signed off for the last time as anchor of the “NBC Nightly News.” He was succeeded by Brian Williams.
2005: U.S. President George Bush signed legislation authorizing a statue of civil rights icon Rosa Parks in the National Statuary Hall in Washington.
TODAY IN CHRISTIAN HISTORY
1145: Pope Eugene III sent a papal bull to the French King, Louis VII, proclaiming the Second Crusade. Led by Louis and Emperor Conrad III from 1147_49, the crusade failed to accomplish its goal.
1764: The French government abolished the Jesuit order in that country. (The Society of Jesus was completely suppressed by Clement XIV in 1767, but was restored again by Pius VII in 1814.)
1798: Birth of Albert Barnes, American Presbyterian clergyman and Bible commentator. An active supporter of revivalism, Christian education and social reform, Barnes is best remembered today for his “Notes on the Old Testament” and “Notes on the New Testament.”
1909: Groundbreaking ceremonies were held for Bob Jones College (University), in Panama City, FL. This Protestant Fundamentalist college later relocated its campus to Greenville, SC.
1950: American missionary martyr Jim Elliot wrote in his journal: ‘Unwillingness to accept God’s “way of escape” from temptation frightens me what a rebel yet resides within.’
HOLLYWOOD, SPORTS AND CELEBRITY FIGURE BIRTHDAYS
- Actress (Lucy Ewing Cooper on “Dallas”) Charlene Tilton, 56 (
- “Entertainment Tonight” host Bob Goen, 60 (
- Actor (Prince of the City) Treat Williams, 63
- Actress/singer (“Bette”, Ruthless People, First Wives Club, The Rose, Beaches) Bette Midler, 69
(Music Artist Birthdays From SongFacts.com)
1913 : Mary Martin
1934 : Billy Paul
1935 : Lou Rawls
1938 : Sandy Nelson
1939 : Dianne “Dee Dee” Lennon
1944 : Eric Bloom (Blue Oyster Cult)
1944 : John Densmore (The Doors)
1945 : Bette Midler
1946 : Gilbert O’Sullivan
1951 : Jaco Pastorius (Weather Report)
1956 : Julee Cruise
1977 : Brad Delson (Linkin Park)
SECRETS OF THE UNIVERSE
Do possums really play dead?
The possum is a North American mammal about the size of a cat. It looks pretty ratty, and in fact one variety is called the rat opossum. The most distinctive thing about the glamourless possum is how it reacts to predators. When it can’t run or hide, and hissing and showing its teeth do not impress an enemy, the possum feigns death. But here’s the catch: it’s not “playing.” This isn’t an act and the animal can’t control it. Its muscles stiffen out of sheer terror. The good news is that the predator is then likely to go away, sparing the possum’s life. Imagine how many years of twice-a-week psychotherapy the possum probably needs after such trauma, not to mention a prescription for an antidepressant.
(Edited from Tricky Trivia)
CHRISTIAN ARTIST NEWS
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An embarrassing moment for Colton Dixon this week. He tweeted: That moment when Tobymac asks you to sing the 2nd verse to Jesus Freak but you can’t remember it. Colton added: ashamed of myself. And his fellow artists weren’t letting him off the hook either. They were having fun at his expense in the comment section of his Instagram page.
There was a special guest in Mrs. Green’s home room this week. Building 429member Aaron Branch participated in career day at his daughter Mackenzie’s school. Aaron shared: Great to meet all of you amazing kids! You guys rocked.
Jamie Grace may have a partner for her next song. She posted on twitter this week: I wonder if I ask really, really nicely if The Voice’s Jordan Smith would sing with me someday. To her surprise, Jordan responded. He replied to her tweet with: Ummm DUH! It would be an honor!!
Sidewalk Prophets member Dave Frey has been the victim of a surprising amount of back lash. Late last week he shared a picture of his Christmas tree. This week Dave followed up by posting: Never thought so many folks would be such humbugs about putting up Christmas stuff early. I’m on tour for 3 weeks! I gotta enjoy it while I can.
Robbie Seay was enjoying something most Americans take for granted this week. The Texas based worship leader tweeted: Second chilly night in a row with my feet up by the fire outdoors. These nights are treasures in Houston, TX.
Kari Jobe was showing off her baby bump this week. She shared: Little Carnes is showing a whole lot more so I thought you might wanna see.
How did you spend your Thanksgiving? Francesca Battistelli said her plan was to simply eat turkey and stay in her pajama’s all week. She shared a video wishing everyone a happy thanksgiving. This is Francesca’s one week off between tours and she says her goal is to do nothing but eat and sleep for the entire week. And she says she is so excited about it.
Continue to keep Jamie Grace and her family in your prayers. She says her mom had to go to the ER in Florida over the weekend.
Indianapolis Colts quarterback Matt Hasselbeck is a fan of Jamie Grace. He recently shared online: great to celebrate our win today with Jamie Grace. Matt added: She even helped Coby Fleener get his 1st interception.
From Tenth Avenue North’s Mike Donehey in the days before Thanksgiving: Was feeling guilty being thankful today. I know. Crazy. But it felt wrong to be joyful with so much pain and death going on. But then I thought, to live without gratitude would only be to rob the world of the joy that I was made to bring into it.
Congratulations to Mercyme’s Nathan Cochran. He tweeted last week: Hello world!! Ashford Is here. Attached was a picture of their brand new baby.
ODD & STRANGE NEWS…
(THIS WILL BE CHANGING SOON DUE TO MYNEWS SHUTTING DOWN. I WILL LOOK TO FIND MATERIAL ELSEWHERE, BUT LETTING YOU KNOW THAT THIS WILL LOOK DIFFERENT SOON.)
|Cops: Man took ambulance for joy ride, strands patient, EMTs
YORK, Pa. (AP) — Emergency workers in Pennsylvania got an unpleasant surprise when they wheeled a patient out of a home to their ambulance, only to find it wasn’t there. HASH(0xd2e2e0) Jim Arvin, president and CEO of White Rose Ambulance, says the video shows Smith “having a good time” behind…
|’12 Days of Christmas’ items top $34K, up 0.6 percent photo
PITTSBURGH (AP) — Lords a-leaping is the U.S. economy slow to recover! The cost of 10 lords a-leaping increased 3 percent over last year, but nine of the other 12 gifts listed in the carol “The Twelve Days of Christmas” stayed the same price as last year, according to the 32nd annual PNC…
|Stolen bust of Lincoln found at Gettysburg cemetery
GETTYSBURG, Pa. (AP) — A bust of Abraham Lincoln that was stolen from outside a museum near where he delivered the Gettysburg Address has been found. Hall of Presidents and First Ladies Museum manager Rose Little says the bust was found in a nearby cemetery’s bushes by some out-of-state…
|Political corruption museum could become Albany tourism draw photo
ALBANY, N.Y. (AP) — A resident of New York’s capital city has an unusual economic development plan to harness what he says is one of Albany’s most abundant renewable resources: political corruption. For a $12.50 or so “bribe,” visitors to the planned Museum of Political Corruption will get a…
|Australian Christmas tree sets record with 518,838 lights photo
CANBERRA, Australia (AP) — An Australian set his third Christmas-themed world record in as many years Friday by illuminating a tree in downtown Canberra with 518,838 twinkling lights. Guinness World Records confirmed that David Richards had broken the record for the most lights on an…
|Police find spiked baseball bats throughout San Francisco photo
SAN FRANCISCO (AP) — San Francisco Police are asking for help leading to those chaining up spiked baseball bats to poles throughout the city. San Francisco Police Sgt. Michael Andraychak says officers first received reports of wooden or metal baseball bats appearing on poles and parking…
|Where’s the beef? Trucker steals 40,000 pounds of meat
LOGANTON, Pa. (AP) — Where’s the beef? That’s what authorities would like to know after someone stole 40,000 pounds of it from a meat plant in central Pennsylvania. State police say it happened Nov. 21 at Nicholas Meat near Loganton. According to troopers, a trucker loaded $110,000 worth of…
|Former luncheonette owner chooses to die in her restaurant
HOPEWELL, N.J. (AP) — A 78-year-old woman decided to spend her final hours last month — to her very last breath — in the now-shuttered New Jersey luncheonette she spent more than three decades running. HASH(0x14100f0) Montello worked in the luncheonette before buying it in 1979…
|Oregon firefighters rescue owl tangled in fishing line
GRANTS PASS, Ore. (AP) — Wildlife rehabilitation workers say a great horned owl that was tangled in fishing line is resting after being rescued by Oregon firefighters. HASH(0x13ebbc0) Jackson County Fire District No. 4 Captain Rick Mendenhall says the owl was “stuck big time.” Firefighters…
|Baby red pandas at Philly zoo named Betsy and Ben, of course
PHILADELPHIA (AP) — A pair of baby red pandas at the Philadelphia Zoo have been named after two of the city’s most famous residents: Betsy and Benjamin. Zoo officials said Friday that the monikers, which pay homage to Betsy Ross and Benjamin Franklin, received overwhelming support in a public…
|Suspected burglar dies after getting stuck in chimney
FRESNO, Calif. (AP) — Authorities say a suspected burglar has died after getting stuck in a chimney in Central California. Fresno County Sheriff’s Lt. Brandon Pursell said a homeowner in the rural town of Huron heard someone yell after lighting a fire in his fireplace Saturday afternoon and…
HEALTH & FITNESS NEWS…
(THIS WILL BE CHANGING SOON DUE TO MYNEWS SHUTTING DOWN. I WILL LOOK TO FIND MATERIAL ELSEWHERE, BUT LETTING YOU KNOW THAT THIS WILL LOOK DIFFERENT SOON.)
|NYC’s novel salt warning rule set to take effect at chains photo
NEW YORK (AP) — New York City begins a new era in nutritional warnings this week, when chain restaurants will have to start putting a special symbol on highly salty dishes. The first-of-its-kind rule takes effect Tuesday. It will require a salt-shaker emblem on some sandwiches, salads and…
|Bono, Clooney, Kardashian part of all-star campaign for AIDS photo
NEW YORK (AP) — Would you like to spend quality time with George Clooney as he showers you with compliments? How about walk a red carpet with Meryl Streep or visit the set of “Game of Thrones”? They are all possible: Bono is a launching an all-star campaign featuring “once-in-a-lifetime…
|Beijing air pollution reaches extremely hazardous levels photo
BEIJING (AP) — Beijing suffered its worst air pollution of the year on Monday, with monitoring sites throughout the city reporting extremely hazardous levels of pollutants. City authorities issued a rare orange alert, the second highest of four danger levels. Schools suspended outdoor…
|Kevorkian archive opens as physician-assisted deaths rise photo
ANN ARBOR, Mich. (AP) — Just days before she died with Dr. Jack Kevorkian’s assistance, Merian Frederick could not speak or hold up her head without help from her daughter, Carol Poenisch. On a video recorded by Kevorkian in 1993, Poenisch steadies Frederick’s Lou Gehrig’s disease-ravaged…
|Earth is a wilder, warmer place since last climate deal made photo
PARIS (AP) — This time, it’s a hotter, waterier, wilder Earth that world leaders are trying to save. The last time that the nations of the world struck a binding agreement to fight global warming was 1997, in Kyoto, Japan. As leaders gather for a conference in Paris on Monday to try to do…
|Norway mulls using heroin to prevent deadly overdoses photo
BERGEN, Norway (AP) — The pale, zombie-like addicts staggering through concrete underpasses make an unlikely scene in wealthy Norway’s picturesque second city. As a gateway to the fjords which zigzag the oil-rich nation’s long coastline, Bergen is the last stop on a global drug route that…
|Q&A on the history of attacks against Planned Parenthood photo
LOS ANGELES (AP) — A deadly shooting at a Colorado Planned Parenthood is the latest in a long history of violence at clinics that provide abortions and doctors who perform the procedure. Police aren’t saying what motivated Friday’s shooting. The attack comes as the nonprofit endures criticism…
|Obama prods world on climate change, faces pushback at home photo
PARIS (AP) — Facing pushback at home, President Barack Obama said Sunday that American leadership was helping make gains in the global fight against climate change as he tried to reassure world leaders assembling for a historic conference in Paris that the U.S. can deliver on its own…
|Produce in Costco salad linked to E. coli is being recalled
SAN FRANCISCO (AP) — Federal officials say a business is recalling a vegetable mix believed to be the source of E.coli in Costco chicken salad that has been linked to an outbreak that has sickened 19 people in seven states. Taylor Farms Pacific Inc. of Tracy, California, has recalled a mix of…
|What to know about ‘BernieCare,’ Sanders’ health overhaul photo
WASHINGTON (AP) — The most ambitious “repeal and replace” health care plan from a presidential candidate comes from Sen. Bernie Sanders, not from a Republican. The Vermont independent who’s seeking the Democratic nomination has been chastised by front-runner Hillary Rodham Clinton for…
|In medical marijuana states, ‘pot doctors’ push boundaries photo
CHICAGO (AP) — The green-typeface slogan “WE’ED like to be your doctor!” —unmistakably weed-friendly — has attracted hundreds of medical marijuana patients in less than a year to Dr. Bodo Schneider’s clinics in southern Illinois and suburban Chicago. In New Jersey, Dr. Anthony…
(No news on the weekends. Audio clips are only valid for a few days before being removed from our servers.)
NEW NEWS KICKERS…
Airport authorities in China caught a woman trying to sneak a knife through a checkpoint by concealing it in her hair. The unidentified woman told security she planned to use the blade to peel fruit while waiting for her flight. *** I’m guessing “peel fruit” is a euphemism in China for “stab the snoring man beside me on the plane”.
Some fans of Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups are not happy about the holiday version of the product that’s advertised as being shaped like Christmas trees rather than traditional cups. But instead of a tree shape, the peanut-butter-filled chocolates appear, fans say, to look more like “amorphous blobs.” *** Amorphous blobs? Are we sure these weren’t left over from Halloween?
On Thanksgiving Day a man jumped over the White House fence. *** Some people just want to express their feelings of thanksgiving to the President personally. (AUDIO: Girl witnesses White House fence jumper.)
Has there ever been a major holiday more focused on materialism than the modern American Christmas? This year, Americans are planning to spend an average of $830 on Christmas gifts, which represents a jump of $110 over the average $720 last year. But our incomes have not gone up accordingly. In fact, real median household income in the United States has been experiencing a steady long-term decline. So in order to fund all of our Christmas spending, we’re going even more into debt. *** And isn’t that what Christmas is truly all about?
NEWS KICKER EVERGREENS…
Thieves take note: Your days of stealing baby Jesus from your town’s nativity scene are coming to an end. Makers of nativity scene characters say they’re getting more requests each year for GPS-equipped baby Jesuses, Marys, Josephs, Three Wise Men and nativity animals. ***MARLAR: Interesting… we’re the ones who tend to get lost without Jesus – but it’s Jesus that gets the GPS.
Men are five times more likely to be hit by lightening than women. ***That’s because most women are protected by the lightening-proof walls of Macy’s.
An international survey by Harlequin Romances found that women say the most attractive trait in a man is a sense of humor. ***MARLAR: On newsstands now – People Magazine’s “Sexiest Man Alive” is Larry the Cable Guy.
New research gives clear proof that weight-loss surgery can reverse and possibly cure diabetes, and doctors say the operation should be offered sooner to more people with the disease – not just as a last resort. The two studies are the first to compare stomach-reducing operations to medicines alone for “diabesity” – Type 2 diabetes brought on by obesity. Millions of Americans have this and can’t make enough insulin or use what they do make to process sugar from food. Both studies found that surgery helped far more patients achieve normal blood-sugar levels than medicines alone did. The results were dramatic: Some people were able to stop taking insulin as soon as three days after their operations. Cholesterol and other heart risk factors also greatly improved. ***MARLAR: Of course, the same results can also be accomplished if you just stop eating as much – but who has the discipline for that?
CLICK HERE TO DOWNLOAD TODAY’S EPISODE… “Superman’s Briefs”
DAILY COMEDY CLIP
CLICK HERE TO DOWNLOAD TODAY’S EPISODE… Thor Ramsey, “Drunk Proposal”
AS THE JUNGLE TURNS – WEEKDAY VERSION
CLICK HERE TO DOWNLOAD TUESDAY’S EPISODE
OPEN: And now, FancyMonkey.com, (Show Name), and (Station Call Letters) bring you As the Jungle Turns! Last time, we found out the Plaid Guy – who all the Razzleflabbins had been terrified of for years, was actually a really nice guy! So nice, in fact, that the Razzleflabbins invited him to the barbecue and to the next day’s busy day of playing and singing!
CLOSE: Tune in again next time for another inspiringly inspiring inspiration story from the never-ending deep-jungle soap-opera saga that is, As the Jungle Turns!
AS THE JUNGLE TURNS – SATURDAY/SUNDAY VERSION
CLICK HERE TO DOWNLOAD THE EPISODE FOR THE WEEKEND OF DECEMBER 05/06
OPEN: And now, FancyMonkey.com, (Show Name), and (Station Call Letters) bring you As the Jungle Turns! When last we left the jungle, all of the animals could not figure out what day it was… fort building day, badminton day, story-telling day, they just didn’t know! But fortunately, along came some help in the form of the king of the jungle… a small lion! What could be better…?
CLOSE: A royal taste tester for the king! If I ever decide to change careers… Anyway, tune in again next time for another episode of As the Jungle Turns!
***You may simulcast “As the Jungle Turns” on the Internet stream of your live broadcast only. Any other Internet use of As the Jungle Turns in whole or part including podcasting of your live broadcast is a violation of copyright law. Thank you for your cooperation on this vitally important issue. If you have any questions, please e-mail us.
MOMENT OF DUH
Trying to protect deer on the highways ends up as a Moment of Duh in New York.
Have you ever run into a deer with your car? It happens all too often and they are trying to do something about it in New York. To help prevent this from happening any more than it already does, the New York State Thruway Authority has put up an 8-foot sign near Rochester that says: “Be Alert – Attack Deer – Next 10 miles.” Meantime, the Thruway has been fielding calls from residents who are very upset that they would use the term “Attack Deer”. They have been reminding authorities how gentle Bambi was. That’s Moment of Duh #1 – New Yorkers thinking that an animated talking deer somehow represents reality. But another Moment of Duh has also taken place, as the Thruway has agreed to change the sign. ***MARLAR: Now we know where Grandma got run over.
TOP TEN SIGNS YOU’VE EATEN TOO MUCH DURING THE HOLIDAYS
- Doctor tells you your weight would be perfect for a man 17 feet tall.
- You are responsible for a slight but measurable shift in the Earth’s axis.
- Right this minute you’re lapping up pie on the carpet.
- You decide to take a little nap and wake up in mid July.
- Getting off your couch requires help from the fire department.
- You step onto the mall escalator and it immediately grinds to a halt.
- The CEO of the Butterball Corporation calls to thank you for your business.
- People start asking when the baby’s due.
- You cancel your cab to the airport and reschedule with U-Haul.
- You’re sweatin’ gravy.
THE FILES OF LAW & DISORDER
A woman gets robbed at gunpoint six times… in just one day!
FILE #1: Nicole Gateau is a 38-year-old store clerk from Paris, France. Well she WAS a store clerk. She has since quit that job after being robbed at gunpoint six times in 24 hours. Police say each robbery was pulled off by a different man and none of them has yet been captured. The weirdest part? The store isn’t even in a bad part of town. Well it is now.
FILE #2: A 300 pound woman attempted to steal a 16 pound frozen turkey by stowing the bird down her shirt. Unfortunately for her, the frozen bird against her body caused her to go into a mild state of hypothermia and she collapsed in the grocery store.
FILE #3: Two Kentucky men tried to pull the front off an ATM machine by running a chain from the bumper of their pickup, to the machine. They put their truck in gear and instead of pulling the front panel off the machine, they pulled the bumper off their truck. At this point they were so scared that they drove away, with the chain still attached to the machine, with their bumper still attached to the chain, with their vehicle’s license plate still attached to the bumper. And soon they were attached to each other with handcuffs.
STRANGE LAW: Arizona requires its citizens to register with the state before going into the business of selling cocaine, marijuana, heroin or other illegal drugs. ***MARLAR: So Arizona expects lawbreakers to obey the law just so they can continue to break the law?
THIS IS YOUR BRAIN ON DRUGS
What do convicted drunk drivers in Ireland and Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer have in common? The answer is obvious – but not in the way you might think.
People convicted of driving under the influence in Ireland will soon be punished by having their noses painted red for the duration of their sentence or probation. Lawmakers say the red noses send a message that drinking and driving will not be tolerated. Plus they say they feel a good dose of public humiliation will do the drunk drivers a world of good. ***MARLAR: The downside is that Santa Claus doesn’t realize he’s asking convicted drunk drivers to guide his sleigh.
Funny Thanksgiving stories. What funny thing happened at the dinner table? What was that funny thing someone said? What strange event took place while decorating the house for Christmas?
BIBLE BRAIN BUSTER!
QUESTION: Who could use bows and arrows or sling stones with either his right or left hand?
ANSWER: David’s mighty men (1Chronicles 12)
QUESTION: Seems like you can never find one when you need one. Maybe that’s because Americans throw away six billion of them a year. What are they?
TRUE OR FALSE
Pay attention! If our next player doesn’t answer all ten T/F questions correctly we start all over from question #1! First person to answer question #10 correctly is our winner!
- Albert Einstein was offered the presidency of Israel in 1952, but he declined. (TRUE)
- In Czechoslovakia, there is a church that has a chandelier made out of animal bones. (FALSE – it’s even creepier… it’s made of human bones)
- The study of thunder is called “boomology”. (FALSE – it’s brontology)
- In the “Scooby Doo” cartoon, there was also a character called “Scooby Dee” (TRUE – Scooby had a cousin who was an actress. Her name was Scooby Dee)
- The Coasters’ song “Charlie Brown” was once banned because it contained the word “spitball”. (TRUE – the British BBC banned the song for that very reason)
- Colonel Sanders’ first name is Marvin? (FALSE – it’s Harlan)
- The first woman, to appear on the cover of GQ magazine was Michelle Pfeifer. (FALSE – it was Julia Roberts)
- Your garbage disposal eats better than 30% of the people in the world. (TRUE)
- The name of the Pope’s hat is the miter. (True)
- The “BB” in BB gun stands for ball bearing. (TRUE)
TABLOID MATCH GAME
You have to match the blank in the tabloid headline with the word or phrase that has been removed!
FROSTY THE SNOWMAN ________ (ARRESTED)
CHERRY LANE, MD – Frosty the Snowman was hit with pepper spray and arrested during the annual Christmas parade in Maryland.
Frosty did not resist arrest, but cops still pepper-sprayed him and took him downtown. Reports are that he was not “jolly” or ”happy” when taken in.
Frosty was charged with attacking the police and kicking at a police dog.
THE WAY TOO EARLY IN THE MORNING TO UNDERSTAND THE PUNCHLINE EVEN AFTER TWO CUPS OF COFFEE JOKE OF THE DAY
A kid is sitting on a department-store Santa’s lap, and Santa decides to have a little fun.
“So, sonny,” he says, “You may have heard about me. I know when you’ve been sleeping, I know when you’re awake. I know when you’ve been bad or good, OK? So be good, for goodness’ sake!”
The kid’s eyes have been getting wider during this little speech, and finally he says, “Wow – do you work for the NSA?”
Finding one of her students making faces at the others on the playground, Mrs. Smith stopped quickly to reprove the child. Smiling sweetly, the teacher said, “Bobby, when I was a child, I was told that if I made ugly faces, it would freeze and it would stay like that.”
Bobby looked up and replied, “Well, Mrs. Smith, you can’t say you weren’t warned.”
Miss Jones had been giving her second-grade students a lesson on science. She had explained about magnets and showed how they would pick up nails and other bits of iron.
Now it was question time and she asked, “My name begins with the letter ‘M’ and I pick up things. What am I?”
A little boy on the front row said, “You’re a mother!”
A recent survey shows U.S. bond markets are still a mystery to most Americans. ***MARLAR: Bond markets… those are the stores with all the really cool 007 spy gear, right?
A study has found that fish in Washington’s Spokane River have an extremely high concentration of toxic flame retardants. ***MARLAR: You can still catch the fish but you’ll have a heck of a time trying to fry one.
If the world population consumed as much as the average American, we would need the resources of 5 Earths to survive. ***MARLAR: Although it would average out if we could just get Chris Christie and Rosie O’Donnell to stop eating.
A troop of Boy Scouts was being used as “victims” in a test of emergency systems. A mock earthquake was staged, and the Scouts impersonated wounded persons who were to be picked up and cared for by the emergency units. One Scout was supposed to lie on the ground and await his rescuers, but the first-aid people got behind schedule, and the Scout lay “wounded” for several hours. When the first-aid squad arrived where the casualty was supposed to be, they found nothing but this brief note: “Have bled to death and gone home.”
IT MUST BE TRUE BECAUSE I HEARD IT ON THE RADIO!
A Protestant minister has been suspended from his church… because he says he doesn’t believe in Christ or Christmas!
Here’s something for the “What were you thinking?!?!” files. An Irish Protestant minister who does not believe in Christmas or that Jesus was the Son of God has been suspended from his duties as a minister for three months to “reflect on his statements.” Just imagine the reaction on the faces of Andrew Furlong’s congregation when his unconventional viewpoint surfaced not in the church itself, but in some articles published on his Web site for the entire world to see. “I don’t believe the traditional understanding of Christmas,” he says. “That God took human form and was born as a babe in Bethlehem.” Furlong was ordained in the Anglican Church of Ireland and says that he has held his unorthodox beliefs for more than 30 years but had not shared them previously with his parishioners. ***MARLAR: So in other words, the man chose a profession that he didn’t believe in. Where’s the thought process going into something like this? “Hmm, you know… I’m just not unhappy enough. I need more misery in my life, what can I do? Oh! I know… I’ll go out and preach a message to thousands of people and convert them to a religion that I don’t believe in! Yeah, then I’ll really hate my life! It’ll be perfect!”
Countless times I’ve heard myself say, “I’m going to bake a cake.” Then one day I realized that I’ve never baked a cake in my life–only my oven can do that. I simply mix the right ingredients and allow the oven to do its part. Through that division of labor, I have the joy of seeing others taste and enjoy delicious cake.
God used my mixing-bowl musings to clarify a dilemma I once had after starting a neighborhood Bible study. It was one thing to bring my neighbors together to study the Bible, but seeing them believe and follow Christ was another. I felt powerless. Suddenly I saw the obvious. Like baking cakes, making Christians was impossible for me, but not for God. I had blended the right ingredients–an open home, friendship, love. Now I had to trust the Holy Spirit, through His Word, to do His work. When I cooperated with that division of labor, I had the joy of seeing others taste of God’s goodness.
In Luke 18:18-27, Jesus so vividly described some hindrances to saving faith that His listeners began to wonder if anyone could be saved. Do you feel that way about someone? Be encouraged by the Lord’s strong reminder that there are some things that only God can do. Saving people is one of them.
DRIVE TIME DEVOTIONAL
MERELY A FORMALITY?
Read: 2 Peter 3:10-18
Grow in the grace and knowledge of our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ. –2 Peter 3:18
Do you ever read footnotes? I usually don’t take the time to read the small print. But when I did, I was bothered by what I read.
I was in chapter 2 of The Discipline of Grace by Jerry Bridges (Navpress). I noticed a footnote number and flipped to the back. After reading that note, I looked at other comments. Then I read one that stopped me in my tracks. I’m going to quote it for you.
Bridges wrote, “This book is addressed primarily to the committed Christian. I am aware that a vast number of professing Christians display little or no commitment to spiritual growth or discipleship, and for them the Christian life is no more than the mere formalities of attending church and avoiding scandalous behavior.”
What do you think? Do you agree with him? Are you led to assess your own degree of passion for spiritual growth and discipleship? I know I am.
Are we coasting through life without examining our attitudes and actions in the light of God’s Word? Do we view ourselves as pretty decent individuals who don’t do any of the “big” sins that get people tossed into jail or out of churches?
It’s easy (speaking from personal experience) to begin to coast spiritually. After all, growth requires hard work. It means sacrificing some short-range “wants” for some long-range “need to do’s” that will honor the Lord.
The apostle Peter spotlighted priorities that should direct our lives. He said, “Make every effort to be found spotless, blameless, and at peace with Him” (2 Peter 3:14). He later added, “Grow in the grace and knowledge of our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ” (v.18).
How about you? Are you growing or coasting? –KD
TWO BLONDES WERE WORKING AT A METAL SHOP…
Tired of being called a dumb blonde? One woman was so tired of her boss calling her dumb that she sued him – and won!
Brazilian metalworker Andrea Eloisa da Silva says that she is not a dumb blonde, as she has been described numerous times by her boss. So she sued him – and won $1,300 in moral damages plus recognition that she was unduly fired — which paves the way for more compensation. A spokesman said, “It is an unprecedented decision on moral damages for blondes. The judge determined that the term ‘dumb blonde’ violated the dignity of the employee.” Andrea’s boss is appealing the ruling. ***MARLAR: Which makes you wonder if he has blonde roots.
LIFE… LIVE IT
TIPS FOR SINGLES ON HOW TO REDUCE HOLIDAY DATING STRESS
Great Expectations dating expert Robert Fisher offers these tips to help singles reduce the stress of holiday dating:
- Stop, think and plan — Many professionals have an implementation calendar at work; they also need one for their personal lives as well. “Think in advance about the business, religious, community and neighborhood events that you’d like to attend, and start thinking now about which ones you’d like to bring a date to,” says Fisher.
- Take time for a “reconnaissance date” — An important office or family holiday function is the wrong place for a first date. Schedule a “reconnaissance date” before the event. Fisher notes that even if it’s just a cup of coffee or lunch, a reconnaissance date gets the preliminary awkwardness out of the way and gets some chemistry going. This simple strategy can make all the difference before one is “on stage” in front of co-workers or family.
- Hold your horses — It’s natural to do some “what if” thinking when meeting someone new, but remember to pull in the reins. “Although there’s no better time to arrive with the perfect partner, this is not the time to pin all of your hopes on meeting your dream mate,” cautions Fisher.
- Go easy on the spirits — Holiday party drinking stories are almost as much a part of the seasonal lore as are Rudolph and Frosty the Snowman. “Go easy on the alcohol,” warns Fisher. “Adrenaline from nervousness or jitters can amplify alcohol’s effect. If you’re going to drink at a holiday party with your date, a good rule of thumb is to cut in half the amount you’d normally consume in a given period of time.”
JUST FOR FUN
The Swiss are apparently worried about their image and have set out to do something about it.
Switzerland has just launched a multi-million dollar campaign to change the perception that they are just a land of chocolate, cuckoo clocks, and boring bankers. The “Swiss Presence” campaign will initially be aimed at Britain and America. It includes programs that invite visitors from the fields of education, culture, media and business to see “what Switzerland is really like”. A spokesman for the project said that “Switzerland is much more than just cows and chocolate, bankers, and watches. We want to present it as a multi-faceted land combining traditional and modern, innovation and humanity.” ***MARLAR: For instance, did you know their army has these really cool pocket knives with can openers and nail clippers? It’s true!
HOW TO TELL YOU OVER DECORATED FOR THE HOLIDAYS
Now that we’re decorating for Christmas, how do you know whether you’re overdoing it? Here are a few signs of danger:
- Real wise men show up at your house.
- The disc in your electric meter is spinning so fast, you can cut lumber with it.
- The power company sends you a gift basket.
- The Fire Dept. does a nightly drive-by of your house.
- Your home is listed with the star registry.
- Your neighbors wear sunglasses to bed.
- Six months to put up. Six months to take down.
- Your plants bloom.
- You come in from your yard with a sunburn – and it’s 2am!
MORE SHOW PREP STUFF…
SENTENCING BEATLES STYLE
A judge in Montana used a Beatles loving band against him during sentencing for the crime of stealing beer. When Judge Gregory Todd asked 20-year-old Andrew McCormack what he thought his sentence should be, Andrew wrote, “Like The Beatles say, Let it Be.” Judge Todd replied by saying, “Your response suggests there should be no consequences for your actions and I should ‘Let it Be’ so you can live in ‘Strawberry Fields Forever’. If I were to overlook your actions I would ignore that ‘Day in the Life’ on April 21, 2006. That night you said to yourself ‘I Feel Fine’ while drinking beer. Later, whether you wanted ‘Money’ or were just trying to ‘Act Naturally’ you became the ‘Fool on the Hill’. After you stole the beer you decided it was time to ‘Run For Your Life’ and ‘Carry That Weight’. But the witness said ‘Baby it’s You’, the police said ‘I’ll Get You’ and you had to admit ‘You Really Got a Hold on Me’. You were not able to ‘Get Back’ home because of the ‘Chains’ they put on you. Although you hoped the police would say ‘I Don’t Want to Spoil the Party’ and ‘We Can Work it Out’, you were in ‘Misery’ when they said you were a ‘Bad Boy’. As a result of your ‘Hard Day’s Night’ you’re looking at a ‘Ticket to Ride’ that ‘Long and Winding Road’ to prison. Hopefully you can say both now and ‘When I’m 64’ that ‘I Should Have Known Better’.” Mr. McCormack got probation, community service and a fine.
OTHER STUFF I WANT TO CRAM INTO TODAY’S PREP
Cooking Thanksgiving dinner here on Earth can take hours but at the International Space Station, astronauts have a different process for getting the traditional meal ready. NASA released a video last week showing what it’s like for astronauts to cook turkey in space. Instead of ovens and deep fryers, astronauts have to fill a packet of dehydrated turkey with hot water and set it aside while the meat rehydrates. On Thursday American astronaut Scott Kelly, who is currently spending one year in space, and his American co-worker, dined on candied yams, cornbread dressing and other classic Thanksgiving fixings.
Authorities are searching for a new mom after she this week left her newborn with his umbilical cord still attached in a manger at a New York church. At Holy Child Jesus Church in the borough of Queens on Monday, the custodian found the crying infant wrapped in towels in the indoor nativity scene he had set up just before his lunch break. Paramedics took the healthy baby to Jamaica Hospital and police are investigating the incident. Under New York state law, a parent may abandon a newborn anonymously at certain designated safe haven locations, as long as the baby is handed over to an appropriate person.
After over a year of being kept off campus for its Christian beliefs, the student group Chi Alpha has finally been reinstated at the California State University Stanislaus campus. Chi Alpha, a Christian organization for college students, was kicked off campus at Stanislaus and ordered to change its policies at three other California State campuses after the California State University system adopted a new policy banning students in religious clubs from requiring their leaders to share their faith. As of last Thursday, all four Chi Alpha chapters are back on campus.
AND I LEAVE YOU WITH THIS THOUGHT
Jokes on today’s program will be cryogenically frozen and thawed for reuse in a more convenient century.
Give me liberty, or give me pumpkin pie!
THE WAY WE WORK
(Updated as it comes available. The Way WE Work is written by Mark Elfstrand from 1160Hope.com in Chicago.)
Today completes the main travel days of the Thanksgiving cycle. Thus, another busy day at airports. Last week, I noted that airlines are continually finding ways to scrunch customers on their planes. We need to do better.
My blog today is a follow up to my thoughts on the unfortunate “adventure” that air travel often becomes. Let’s begin with some real adventure!
Landing at Midway Airport in Chicago has always been exciting. Five relatively short runways, the longest of which is 6,522 feet in length. The adventure of flying into Midway is always to see how close you are to those to someone’s rooftop. A simple Google search of “plane skids off runway at Midway” yields stories of several incidents. It’s a little awkward when you slide into Midway and the Captain comes on and says, “Safe!”
Nonetheless, it’s my preferred airport in Chicago. Generally easy access. Rarely do you wait for other airplanes to take off. Tasty eats. All good. Except for one thing. Well, maybe two. Baggage claim and security screening.
Recent visitors we picked up at Midway arrived on a Saturday evening. It took almost a full hour from the time they exited the plane to when their luggage arrived. Sure there had been a snowstorm. Sure there were lots of people at the airport. Both of these factors were known in advance!
Simple solution: get more people! I have had the benefit of having a friend who managed an airport at one of America’s larger cities. I toured the airport on a couple of occasions with him and was amazed at the sophistication of the baggage claim process. I’m not so amazed in Chicago.
My son travels a lot on business. He purchased the privilege of TSA PreCheck that allows you to avoid the normally long lines of security checks. This works well except when it doesn’t work at all! My son noted that on a few more recent occasions, the airport decided not to open those lanes.
Another travel adventure.
His second airline adventure came when flying a “no frills airline.” He needed more space so he arranged for a second seat. He’s a big man and wanted room to work comfortably. A gate attendant knew of his second seat and embarrassed him into yielding it (with no refund) to a passenger on their overbooked airline. Smiling cooly she asked, “Do you really need that seat?” I don’t know, do you really need to overbook your airline?
And here’s one for you. Why in the world of amazing Bose speakers do we have airline on-board instructions that can’t be heard or understood? It happened to us on recent flights to Israel. The safety instructions could not be heard because the system kept breaking up! During the flight, the captain came on the overhead speakers and was indiscernible.
Am I the only one thinking we need some air travel “miracle makeovers”? I don’t think so. Wired magazine recently popped out a story titled, “Here’s What Makes Flying Suck and How Designers Would Fix It.” That gets to the point! http://www.wired.com/2015/11/heres-what-makes-flying-suck-and-how-designers-would-fix-it/?mbid=nl_112515
Some of them were borderline humorous. One designer would like moon roofs built in to have a cabin flooded with daylight or to watch the evening constellations. Another offered he would trade watching movies to have a “quiet place” in the airplane for like, well, meditation.
More to my preferences was a designer from Ustwo (a digital product studio), Avalon Hu. He observed that tray tables rarely get adequately cleaned between stopovers. He suggests detachable tray tables that can be interchanged quickly. You could then dispose of the dirty ones or send them to be cleaned. (Or how about a warm disinfectant towel before we depart?)
Others would design an armrest that offered a pop up vertical divider for more privacy…and to keep the sleeping passenger next to you from putting their head on your shoulder. Another suggests personalizing when flyers can eat or sleep on longer flights.
But Jeff Salazar’s overall observation rang truest with me. Jeff is the VP of design at Lunar, now a part of McKinsey. He writes, “Iconic companies like Disney and Apple have dedicated their organizations to expertly crafting and weaving together the many micro-experiences of the physicality of space into truly magical moments. They anticipate our needs, from the trivial to the nuanced and complex. These brands simultaneously streamline and enhance our relationship to space and experience. It’s the most mundane of experiences that deserve the delight of design.”
You got it, Jeff.
To the passenger side, Jesus of Nazareth was not a burdened down traveler. We often are. Maybe we should heed the advice He gave in sending out His disciples. To them “He said, ‘Don’t load yourselves up with equipment. Keep it simple; you are the equipment. And no luxury inns—get a modest place and be content there until you leave. If you’re not welcomed, leave town. Don’t make a scene. Shrug your shoulders and move on.’” (Luke 9:2-5, MSG)
Travel light. Show hospitality. Be a witness.
Even passengers could use a miracle makeover.
That’s The Way WE Work. Click on the link to the right to connect via Facebook.
Catch “Let’s Talk with Mark Elfstrand” weekday afternoons from 4-6pm on AM 1160 Hope for Your Life. To listen to the live broadcast or a podcast of previous shows click here.
THE TICKET Movie Reviews with MARIE ASNER
Marie Asner has been reviewing films for over 30 years. Her outlets include radio, print and Internet. For more in-depth movie reviews of the following films, visit www.Tollbooth.org. Ratings from 1 (Low) to 5 (High).
NOVEMBER 25, 2015…
Creed—Sylvester Stallone just can’t keep away from boxing. In this film, he is coaching a young boxer, Creed (Michael B. Jordan), who is the son of Creed (Carl Weathers) from previous “Rocky” films. Did the original have daughters for a boxing film? Just asking…”Creed” is rated PG 13. No rating.
The Good Dinosaur—An animated family movie with a different view of life. Here, the dinosaurs lived and are the dominant species, while humans are their pets. So the dinosaur, Arlo (voice of Raymond Ochoa) has the human, Spot (voice of Jack Bright) as his pet. There are life problems in this age, too. “The Good Dinosaur” is rated PG. Rating of 2 for animation fans.
The Night Before—Childhood, sometimes it doesn’t end. In this film, three guys (Seth Rogen, Joseph Gordon-Levitt and Anthony Mackie) have spent Christmas Eve together since children. Now, they are adults and responsibilities are pulling them in different directions. What to do? “The Night Before” is rated PG 13. Rating of 2 for fans.
Victor Frankenstein—So, were the doctor Frankenstein and his assistant, Igor, friends or not? This film explores the relationship between the two. Victor Frankenstein is played by James McAvoy and Igor is none other than Daniel Radcliffe from “Harry Potter.” Interesting premise. “Victor Frankenstein” is rated R. No rating.
NOVEMBER 27, 2015…
The Danish Girl (opening in select cities)—Eddie Redmayne takes on the role of one of the first transgender persons to come into the public, Lili Elbe. Also in the cast is Alicia Vikander who plays Gerda Wegener, once married to Redmayne’s character. This happened in the mid-1920’s. “The Danish Girl” is rated R. No rating.
DECEMBER 04, 2015…
Macbeth (opening in select cities)—Michael Fassbender (“Steve Jobs”) now takes on Shakespeare to portray Macbeth with Marion Cotillard as Lady Macbeth. Here we are in Scotland of the 11th century and there is murder, intrigue and back-stabbing (excuse the pun) everywhere. “Macbeth” is rated R. No rating.
Krampus—a holiday horror film, dark comedy starring Toni Collette and Adam Scott about a horrible demon. His targets are people who don’t help people during the holidays. Your guess is as good as mine. “Krampus” is rated R. No rating.
DECEMBER 11, 2015…
*Note: Legend, starring Tom Hardy as two gangster brothers who rule London, is now due to open this week. Here’s hoping.
In The Heart Of The Sea with Chris Hemsworth as part of the crew of a 1820 whaling ship decimated by a white whale, is opening this week. Based on a true story.
The Big Short has Brad Pitt and Ryan Gosling as two guys who bet against banks. Shades of financial maneuvering.
The Lady In The Van (opening in select cities) and based on the true story of a woman who parked her van in a driveway and lived there for years. Stars Maggie Smith.
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