December 06, 2015: Sunday ONAIRprep

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PRINTER FRIENDLY VERSION: 20151206

 

 

WELCOME TO THE SHOW!

Fa La!  It’s important I don’t reach my Christmas peak too early. Today it’s Fa La! Next week it’ll be Fa La La La.   Then Christmas week — the full blown Fa La La La La La La La La!

 

 

BIBLE VERSE OF THE DAY

Now when Jesus was born in Bethlehem of Judaea in the days of Herod the king, behold, there came wise men from the east to Jerusalem, saying, Where is he that is born King of the Jews? For we have seen his star in the east, and are come to worship him. –Matthew 2:1-2

 

Look! The virgin will conceive a child! She will give birth to a son, and they will call him Immanuel, which means ‘God is with us.’ –Matt 1:23, NLT

 

 

HEARTLIGHT DAILY VERSE, PRAYER & THOUGHT

(From VerseOfTheDay.com)

Jesus said, “I tell you the truth, I am the gate for the sheep; whoever enters through me will be saved. He will come in and go out and find pasture. The thief comes only to steal and kill and destroy; I have come that they may have life, and have it the full.” — John 10:7,9-10

 

Thought: Jesus came to the world to give us life. He didn’t come to bring us rules, or judgement, or fear, or work. Jesus came to give us life in its fullest form. While we know that this is promised to us when we go to be with him for all eternity, John wants us to clearly hear that Jesus’ promise to give us life begins right now! Not JUST life later, but also life NOW!

 

Prayer: Almighty God, I confess that sometimes I play life too carefully, not risking failure and loss and not reaching for your opportunities and your concerns. Give me a heart that yearns to live life in all its fullness by seeking after your will, Jesus’ example and the Holy Spirit’s leading in my decisions today, and always. Through the name of Jesus I ask this to your glory. Amen.

 

The Thoughts and Prayers for Today’s Verse are written by Phil Ware. You can email questions or comments to phil@heartlight.org.

 

 

BIRTHDAY VERSE” OF THE DAY

The chapter and verse corresponds to the month and the day!

1 Corinthians 12:6 NIV = There are different kinds of working, but the same God works all of them in all men.

 

 

TODAY IS SUNDAY – DECEMBER 06, 2015

(NOTE: Some holidays may be duplicated due to various calendars reporting conflicting dates)
WEIRD, WACKY, STRANGE, ZANY, ODD, BIZARRE, QUIRKY, UNUSUAL HOLIDAYS!
THERE ARE ONLY 19 SHOPPING DAYS UNTIL CHRISTMAS.  

 

Today is NATIONAL GIVE A SECRET GIFT DAY. They are the best kind.  ***MARLAR: And if you’d like to do that this year and need an address to send something secretly to me, just let me know.

 

The WORLD’S LARGEST OUTLET SALE is this week Pigeon Forge, Tennessee. ***MARLAR: Like I can’t get a cheap regular-sized electrical outlet at Home Depot?

 

Today is INTERNATIONAL BAD HAIR DAY. ***MARLAR: Which reminds me, do they still sell Chia Pets?

 

Today is NATIONAL PAWN BROKERS DAY.  ***MARLAR: Where this Christmas’ hottest gifts can be found!

 

Today is ST. NICHOLAS DAY & KRIS KRINGLE DAY. In many European countries, St. Nicholas brings fruit, cakes, and gifts to all good little children. The name “Santa Claus” evolved from St. Nicholas via a Dutch dialect form of the name, Sinte Klaas or Sinterklaas. The first church in what would become New York City, built by the Dutch in 1624, was named for Sinterklaas. When it comes to Kris Kringle – turns out that’s not really the other name of St. Nicholas or of Santa Claus. The name Kris Kringle is actually a mishearing of the original German word, “Christkind”, which literally means “Christ Child”! Children used to celebrate the Christ Child coming to bear gifts – but English-speaking visitors misunderstood what the children where excited about and came back with the name Kris Kringle.

 

 

TODAY IS ALSO. . .

Miner’s Day

National Pawnbrokers Day

St Nicholas Day

XTERRA Trail Running Championship

 

 

COMING UP NEXT

MONDAY, DECEMBER 07

National Pearl Harbor Remembrance Day

International Civil Aviation Day

National Cotton Candy Day

 

TUESDAY, DECEMBER 08

Pretend To Be a Time-Traveler Day

 

WEDNESDAY, DECEMBER 09

Cremation Day

International Anti-Corruption Day

Weary Willie Day

 

THURSDAY, DECEMBER 10

Dewey Decimal System Day

Human Rights Day

Jane Addams Day

Nobel Prize Day

 

FRIDAY, DECEMBER 11

International Mountain Day

Official Lost & Found Day

UNICEF Birthday

 

SATURDAY, DECEMBER 12

Day Of The Horse

Gingerbread Decorating Day

International Shareware Day

National 12-Hour Fresh Breath Day

National Cocoa Day

National Wreaths Across America Day

Our Lady of Guadalupe Day

Poinsettia Day

 

SUNDAY, DECEMER 13

Pick a Pathologist Pal Day

Worldwide Candle Lighting Day

World Choral Day

 

MONDAY, DECEMER 14

Green Monday

Monkey Day

 

 

ON THIS DAY

342: Bishop Nicholas of Myra died in Asia Minor. He had established the first known homes for the aged and, after his death, it became known that he also secretly provided dowries for numerous poor brides-to-be. The church and legend transformed him into jolly old Saint Nicholas.

 

1790: The U.S. Congress moved from New York to Philadelphia.

 

1877: Edison mechanic John Kruesi completed and demonstrated the first wax cylinder recording machine. Thomas Edison patented it two months later.

 

1883: The debut issue of the “Ladies’ Home Journal” was published.

 

1923: A presidential address was broadcast on radio for the first time as President Coolidge spoke to a joint session of Congress.

 

1960: Thomas Monaghan founded Domino’s Pizza.

 

1968: Elvis Presley and 66,000 other potential administrative office holders received a letter from President Richard Nixon.

 

1973: House minority leader Gerald Ford was sworn in as vice president, succeeding Spiro Agnew.

 

1988: The U.S. issued a patent (#4,789,233) to Edna Arsenault and George Spector for Eyeglass Wipers, miniature windshield-wiper-like devices that both wash and wipe eyeglasses.

 

1990: U.S. Vice-President Dan Quayle was inducted into the Little League Museum’s Hall of Excellence.

 

1995: Vegetarian Linda McCartney, the wife of former Beatle Paul McCartney, paid $4,600 at a London charity auction to save a prize turkey from the dinner table. Traditionally, the champion bird was purchased and served by a restaurant. ***MARLAR: In this situation the turkey was saved by another turkey.

 

1998: Swiss firefighters had to rescue a 35-year-old doofus who climbed into the famous Bern bear pit and threw snowballs at two bears named Selma and Urs. Selma inflicted significant leg and shoulder damage before the man could be rescued.

 

2000: A Kazakh man who was electrocuted and buried shocked friends and family by showing up for his own funeral feast. After two days in a shallow grave, the man regained consciousness and rose naked from the ground. Reportedly, he had difficulty flagging down a car to take him home.

 

2002: Actress Winona Ryder was sentenced to community service for stealing more than $5,500 in merchandise from Saks Fifth Avenue in Beverly Hills, California.

 

2003: Army became the first team to finish 0-13 in major college history after losing to Navy 34-6. ***MARLAR: Apparently “Army of One” extends to the number of players on the field as well.

 

 

TODAY IN CHRISTIAN HISTORY

342: Bishop Nicholas of Myra died in Asia Minor. He had established the first known homes for the aged and, after his death, it became known that he also secretly provided dowries for numerous poor brides-to-be. The church and legend transformed him into jolly old Saint Nicholas.

 

1787: Cokesbury College, America’s first Methodist institution of higher learning, opens in Abingdon, Maryland.

 

1925: Death of Russell Conwell, writer of “Acres of Diamonds” and founder of Temple College

 

1950: Death of Susan Strachen who, with her husband, founded the Latin American Evangelization Campaign, later renamed the Latin American Mission, Inc.

 

 

HOLLYWOOD, SPORTS AND CELEBRITY FIGURE BIRTHDAYS

  • Actress (Cliffhanger, “Northern Exposure”) Janine Turner, 53
  • comedian Steven Wright 60
  • Actor (Amadeus, Animal House, Parenthood) Tom Hulce, 62
  • actress (Poltergeist, The Big Chill, Jungle 2 Jungle) JoBeth Williams 67

 

SOME OF STEVEN WRIGHT’S BEST ONE-LINERS

  • All those who believe in psycho-kinesis raise my hand.
  • The early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
  • I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met.
  • OK, so what’s the speed of dark?
  • How do you tell when you’re out of invisible ink?
  • If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something.
  • Support bacteria – they’re the only culture some people have.
  • When everything is coming your way, you’re in the wrong lane.
  • Ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy.
  • Hard work pays off in the future. Laziness pays off now.
  • Everyone has a photographic memory. Some just don’t have film.
  • Shin: a device for finding furniture in the dark.
  • Many people quit looking for work when they find a job.
  • I intend to live forever – so far, so good.
  • If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?
  • Eagles may soar, but weasels don’t get sucked into jet engines.
  • Everywhere is walking distance if you have the time.

 

 

BEE-BOP BIRTHDAYS

(Music Artist Birthdays From SongFacts.com)

1896 : Ira Gershwin

1920 : Dave Brubeck

1939 : Steve Alaimo

1941 : Helen Cornelius

1942 : Len Barry

1943 : Mike Smith (The Dave Clark Five)

1944 : Jonathan King

1947 : Kim Simmonds (Savoy Brown)

1947 : Miroslav Vitous (Weather Report)

1952 : Randy Rhoads (Quiet Riot)

1955 : Rick Buckler (The Jam)

1956 : Peter Buck (R.E.M.)

1961 : David Lovering (Pixies)

1962 : Ben Watt (Everything But The Girl)

1970 : Ulf Ekberg (Ace Of Base)

 

 

SECRETS OF THE UNIVERSE

Almost daily we read something in a newspaper or on television, where we’re told that scientists have dated something to be millions or billions of years old. Can these dating methods really be trusted?

First of all most dating methods do not show that rocks are millions or billions of years old. You see, there are many ways scientists can try to age-date things. Actually, most dating methods that scientists use give results far younger than evolutionists need.  All dating methods involve something that changes over time. For instance, radioactive Uranium, over time, changes into a form of lead. Therefore, if scientists assume:

1) they know how much was there at the beginning

2) this rate of change has not been disrupted through time, and

3) there’s been no contamination…

… they can calculate how long this has been happening. This is how they get millions of years. But all of these assumptions have been shown to be invalid.  Not only this, but other dating methods – such as the amount of salt transported into the oceans, or the amount of helium built up in the atmosphere – indicate that the earth can’t be billions or millions of years old.  All dating methods are fallible, but God’s Word, beginning with Genesis, is infallible.

(Edited from Answers in Genesis and Creation Tips)

 

 

CHRISTIAN ARTIST NEWS

Do you like the Christian Artist News you see below? It’s just a tiny sample of the 5-6 pages of material you could be receive every weekday… and it’s FREE! Become one of their subscribers at ChristianRadioShowPrepServices.com!

 

Tenth Avenue North’s Mike Donehey was struggling with fix up jobs over the weekend. He shared: What is it about housework? The more you fix the more you realize needs fixing. It’s like working on your house is some kind of vortex. Maybe the key to understanding black holes lies in home renovation. Mike added: When I pick up a drill, it’s like how most dudes look holding a baby for the first time; Awkward.

 

Shane Everett is the father of three daughters and he says that affects all their activities. The member of Shane and Shane posted: Decorating or really anything in the Everett home ends up with dancing and I am okay with that! https://instagram.com/p/-pE2s5PRcZ/

 

An interesting concept from Kutless member James Mead. He shared his own picture on Instagram this week and posted: This is my face. I see my Dad. I see my Mom. I see my Grandpa. I see the boy I used to be and I can’t believe people think I’m an adult. I see a story. I see a work in progress. I’m glad the Lord sees me that way too. https://instagram.com/p/-mWKAwpdTW/

 

Hawk Nelson’s Jon Steingard has a special definition for Thanksgiving. He said it’s: the day we spend attempting to explain our tattoos, and how we really do know they’re permanent.

 

Sara Groves had to improvise to make Thanksgiving work this year. She shared that they met up with her side of the family at an Embassy Suites over the holidays. She says it was a Crockpot Thanksgiving.

https://instagram.com/p/-kLTTLwi1G/

 

Newsboys drummer Duncan Phillips wasted little time getting into the Christmas spirit. He tweeted pictures of their Christmas decorations Sunday afternoon and said: the festivities are in full effect at our house!

 

Chris August has his work cut out for him. He shared a picture with his fiancée in his Cowboys jersey on Thanksgiving day and posted: I’m gonna have to teach her to love The ‘Boys! Katelin, his fiancée, was clearly not impressed. http://twitter.com/ChrisAugust/status/669966609839169540/photo/1

 

Nancy DeMoss Wolgemuth says her marriage has been earth shaking, literally. She tweeted: There was an earthquake in Michigan the day Robert and I got engaged. And one last night in the Dominican Republic during our honeymoon. Just saying.

 

Mercyme had a new bass player on stage this weekend. Nathan Cochran was home with his brand new baby so he couldn’t play the Macy’s Thanksgiving day parade. To replace him, Bart Millard said: We looked at Joel Bench, our road manger who, by the way, has never held a bass in his life. The members of the band told Joel “We’re buying a cheap bass, getting you a cool hat and jacket and you’re our new bass player for the day!” Bart added: our Macy’s Thanksgiving Parade experience could not have been more perfect!

 

Thanksgiving weekend Kari Jobe wrapped up her final tour before the birth of her baby. She was part of the Unbroken Praise Tour UK with Matt Redman. Starting this week her goal becomes nesting for her new little baby.

 

 

NEWS KICKERS

(No news on the weekends. Audio clips are only valid for a few days before being removed from our servers.)

 

NEW NEWS KICKERS…

 

 

NEWS KICKER EVERGREENS…

 

 

WONDER WOMAN

CLICK HERE TO DOWNLOAD TODAY’S EPISODE… “Anonymous”

 

 

DAILY COMEDY CLIP

CLICK HERE TO DOWNLOAD TODAY’S EPISODE… Scott Gregory, “Hockey”

 

 

AS THE JUNGLE TURNS – WEEKDAY VERSION

CLICK HERE TO DOWNLOAD MONDAY’S EPISODE
CHRISTMAS EPISODE!

 

OPEN: And now, FancyMonkey.com, (Show Name), and (Station Call Letters) bring you As the Jungle Turns! When last we left the jungle, Gruffy Bear, annoyed that his new neighbor was pounding on the walls in the middle of December, decided to put a stop to it. And not only did this awaken Gruffy from his all-winter hibernation, but it’s also awakened him to something new… Christmas!

 

CLOSE: From all of us at (Station Call Letters), (Show Name), and from everyone at FancyMonkey.com – have a very Merry Christmas!

 

 

AS THE JUNGLE TURNS – SATURDAY/SUNDAY VERSION

CLICK HERE TO DOWNLOAD THE EPISODE FOR THE WEEKEND OF DECEMBER 05/06

 

OPEN: And now, FancyMonkey.com, (Show Name), and (Station Call Letters) bring you As the Jungle Turns! When last we left the jungle, all of the animals could not figure out what day it was… fort building day, badminton day, story-telling day, they just didn’t know! But fortunately, along came some help in the form of the king of the jungle… a small lion! What could be better…?

 

CLOSE: A royal taste tester for the king! If I ever decide to change careers… Anyway, tune in again next time for another episode of As the Jungle Turns!

 

***You may simulcast “As the Jungle Turns” on the Internet stream of your live broadcast only. Any other Internet use of As the Jungle Turns in whole or part including podcasting of your live broadcast is a violation of copyright law. Thank you for your cooperation on this vitally important issue. If you have any questions, please e-mail us.

 

 

MOMENT OF DUH

It was an attempt to cheat the bus company that ended up as a Moment of Duh.

Some bus fare dodgers in the United Kingdom, decided to get away with avoiding bus fares by using substitute coins in the fare machine. But what they used as substitute coins qualifies them for today’s Moment of Duh; these inDUHviduals were accidentally giving away a treasure trove of outdated, extremely valuable, foreign coins. For example, two gold half-sovereigns worth about $45 each were found in the collection. In total the rare coins tallied about $7,500.

 

 

TOP TEN

MURPHY’S TOP TEN HOUSEHOLD LAWS

 

  1. A child’s eagerness to assist in any project varies in inverse proportion to his/her ability to actually do the work involved.9. Leftovers always expand to fill all available containers plus one.

    8. A newly washed window gathers dirt at twice the speed of an unwashed one.

    7. The availability of a ballpoint pen is inversely proportional to how badly it is needed.

    6. Garage clutter expands. The same clutter that will fill a one-car garage will, if you move, fill a two-car garage.

    5. Three children plus two cookies equals a fight.

    4. The potential for disaster is in direct proportion to the number of TV remote-controls divided by the number of viewers.

    3. The number of doors left open varies inversely with the outside temperature.

    2. The capacity of any water-heater is equal to 1-1/2 sibling showers.

    1. The laws of physics dictate that what goes up must come down, except bubble gum and slightly used cereal.

 

 

THE FILES OF LAW & DISORDER

A man is arrested for a crime spree that lasted three days… and bungled every single crime he committed! That story and others coming in the files of Law & Disorder!

 

FILE #1: Police in Jackson, Mississippi have arrested a man for a 3-day series of bungled robberies. The suspect is charged with robbing two banks and a chicken restaurant. Freddie Mason was pushing his luck, considering he wasn’t doing much to disguise himself. At one of the banks, police said a classmate recognized him. At another, he allegedly filled out a credit application during a long wait. During the robbery of the restaurant, one of the witnesses was an old friend of Freddie’s. Mason was arrested when he was spotted walking right by some police officers.

 

FILE #2: A French parachutist was arrested after he jumped from the third and uppermost floor of the Eiffel Tower around 1 a.m., sailing down to land smoothly near the foot of the tower. He was immediately detained by police. The parachutist, whose identity was not revealed, entered the tower while it was open to the public and hid after closing time. Police have not decided whether to press charges. ***Proposed punishments could include a hefty fine, some jail time, or having the man jump again – this time without a parachute.

 

FILE #3: A man held up a bank recently while a female companion bought a getaway car from a used lot across the street. Walker Alexander Williams was charged with robbery after police stopped him and the woman two miles away in the newly purchased 1996 white Neon. Cathy Chandler of American Auto Sales said a woman called about 10:30 a.m. asking if any cars were selling for $2,500 or less. Told about the Neon, the woman said to prepare the paperwork. Meanwhile, a robber fled on foot from the Coastal Bank of Georgia after stealing an undisclosed amount of cash. The woman paid for the car with crisp $100 bills as police arrived at the car lot and asked if anyone had seen a man running by. The woman answered no. The officer returned to the lot after a witness described seeing a man matching the robber’s description getting into a white Neon. Chandler told police about the woman who bought the car. Police found the money minus $2,500 on the floorboard of the car in a Styrofoam box.

 

STRANGE LAW: In Kansas City, KS, saying the name “George Washington” without adding the phrase “blessed be his name,” can land you with a fine of up to fifty cents.

 

 

THIS IS YOUR BRAIN ON DRUGS

Can two people in the same car be arrested for driving drunk?

Police on Long Island say they’ve pulled two drunken drivers from one car. Nassau County officers say they spotted a woman trying to make a three-point turn on a road in East Meadow. They say that when she couldn’t complete the maneuver, she switched places with a male passenger, who took the steering wheel and completed the turn while not wearing a seat belt. Police pulled them over and charged them with drunken driving. As police Commissioner Lawrence Mulvey put it, “We have two individuals arrested for driving the same car intoxicated.”

 

 

PHONER PHUN

Did you ever open a Christmas present early without your parents knowing about it? What do you do now to keep the little-ones from doing the same thing? Do you hide gifts in a different place? Change up the name-tags so they don’t know which present goes to which kid? Color-coding of gifts that only Mom and Dad knows? Store the gifts in some other location other than the house?

 

 

BIBLE BRAIN BUSTER!

QUESTION: What two psalms are virtually identical?
ANSWER: Psalms 14 and 53  (Biblical scholars do not know why these two psalms are virtually identical. Some think it goes back to the time when Bibles were copied by hand, and an ancient scribe simply wrote it twice. Others believe it wasn’t an error, but rather was intended as a “refrain” to be read aloud by a congregation.)

 

 

QUESTION IMPOSSIBLE

QUESTION: What does Charlie Brown’s father do as a profession?

ANSWER: He’s a barber.

 

 

TRUE OR FALSE

Pay attention! If our next player doesn’t answer all ten T/F questions correctly we start all over from question #1! First person to answer question #10 correctly is our winner!

 

  1. There are actually 21 islands that make up the Hawaiian Islands. (False… there are 132 islands!)

 

  1. The hamburger is the most popular food ordered in American restaurants. (False… it’s French Fries)

 

  1. The last stall of any public restroom is usually the cleanest. (False… it’s the first stall that is the cleanest, as most people seeking privacy usually skip it and go directly to the last stall – which is usually the dirtiest.)

 

  1. Buffalo can actually jump as high as six feet in the air. (False)

 

  1. The first letter Vanna White ever turned on “Wheel of Fortune” was the letter A. (False… it was the letter “T”)

 

  1. Most dinosaurs were about the size of a large dog. (False. In fact, most dinosaurs were no larger than a chicken!)

 

  1. On average there are about 300 earthquakes in the world each year. (False… believe it or not it’s more like 50,000)

 

  1. Most people in China don’t eat cheese. (True… it’s just not a big thing over there)

 

  1. Recent studies have shown that people perform better on tests if they have a cold. (True… but they don’t know why)

 

  1. The huddle formation used by football teams originated at Gallaudet University, a liberal arts college for deaf people in Washington, D.C., to prevent other schools from reading their sign language. (True)

 

 

TABLOID MATCH GAME

You have to match the blank in the tabloid headline with the word or phrase that has been removed!

______ KICKED OUT OF CEMETERY (GHOST)

PARIS – Authorities took the corpse of a woman out of one cemetery and buried it in another – because her screaming ghost was disturbing neighbors!

Only a few days after Yvonne DeLyon, 61, was buried in the first graveyard, complaints began pouring in from people who live nearby. The public outcry continued for six months before officials finally had to take action.

“That woman screamed and wailed all night,” said one resident of the small town of Feurs, France. “It scared us almost to death. The whole reasons my family and I moved here beside the cemetery was because it was quiet and peaceful. But it got so we couldn’t get a decent night’s sleep.”

Accounts from the complaining citizens charge that much of the noise was incoherent ranting. But many of the terrified and outraged townspeople claim they distinctly heard the dead woman nagging and berating her husband, who died three years before her.

One man said he clearly overheard her yelling things like, “Charles, don’t you dare leave that wet towel on the bed,” or “Why don’t we ever go out to dinner?”

Jean Vecque, director and manager of the cemetery, confirms the reports. “I’ve never believed in ghosts,” says the conservative 51 year old. “I’ve been in the business for 19 years and seen hundreds of corpses. But this is the first time I’ve heard one roaring and bellowing from the coffin.”

“At first I thought it was someone playing a practical joke. So I personally investigated it. I stood out by the grave all night. It was enough to scare me to death. I never heard such eerie screeching. And it was definitely coming from the grave.”

One odd sidelight of the case is that Mrs. DeLyon was quiet and retiring when she was alive.

Dr. Yvette Colvert, a noted French parapsychologist who was called in to investigate, says, “This happens occasionally with people who were timid and shy in life. After death, they finally get the courage to stand up for their rights. Then there’s just no stopping them.”

Mrs. DeLyon’s only surviving relative, her son, Jacques DeLyon, tried to fight the town council’s demand to have the body exhumed. “I admit it was disturbing their sleep and frightening their children,” said Mr. DeLyon. “But I paid good money for that plot and she has the right to be laid to rest there.”

But his bid to keep her there was defeated unanimously.

Her body now lies in a rural graveyard, miles from the town, in the French countryside.

 

 

THE WAY TOO EARLY IN THE MORNING TO UNDERSTAND THE PUNCHLINE EVEN AFTER TWO CUPS OF COFFEE JOKE OF THE DAY

JOKE #1

Some years ago an Englishman on a plane to Australia was handed one of these immigration / visitation cards to fill out.

After the standard questions, like name, nationality, passport number, etc., he got to a question that asked, “Have you ever been imprisoned?”

He pondered it for a minute, then wrote down, “I didn’t realize this was still a requirement.”

 

JOKE #2

Concerned about fitness in my middle 40s, Lisa enrolled in an aerobics class. To her dismay she walked into a room filled with much younger women and decided to combat her nervousness with humor. “I’m here to do my postnatal exercises,” Lisa told the instructor.

The instructor gave her an appraising look. “How old is your baby?”

“Twenty-six,” she replied.

 

JOKE #3

MEMO TO MY WIFE’S CAT, PATCHES…

  • When I say move, it means go someplace else. It does not mean change position but still remain in my way.
  • The dishes on the floor are yours and contain your food. All other dishes are mine and contain my food. (Please note: placing a paw print in the middle of my dinner does not stake your claim on it, nor do I find it aesthetically pleasing in any way.)
  • The stairs were not designed by NASCAR and are not a racetrack.  Beating me to the bottom is not the object. Tripping me doesn’t help because I fall faster than you can run.
  • For the last time, humans like to use the bathroom alone. If by some miracle I beat you there and manage to get the door shut, it won’t help to claw, meow, or get your paw under the edge and try to pull the door open. (Trust me, I have been using the bathroom for years… feline attendance is not mandatory.)
  • When you see me asleep on the couch, it is not funny to make a sudden leap onto my stomach – no matter how much that makes Robin laugh.
  • My sitting down to bite into a juicy sandwich is not a signal for you to begin gagging loudly and then hocking up the most disgusting hairball in history.

 

 

USELESS FACTS

A study released by scientists in Sweden says that certain foods like French Fries can cause cancer. ***MARLAR: Now with every Extra Value Meal you also get a coupon for a free mammogram.

 

Odd as it may seem, full grown Beluga whales play tag with each other. ***MARLAR: Probably because as whales “Hide and Seek” is completely out of the question.

 

Staying awake for 18 hours has the same effect on you as drinking 2-3 beers.  ***MARLAR: So stop bugging the people outside of the liquor store, teenagers – you’re already staying awake until 3am with a buzz.

 

 

FEATURED FUNNIES

SIX SIX SIX

A friend wrote, “You know you’re a fundamentalist if you refuse any credit card number, bank account number, or phone number which includes three six’s.”  Which, of course, got me thinking.  I read this some years ago from the president of a well-known Bible college:

  • 666 = Mark of the Beast
  • 668 = Neighbor of the Beast
  • IAM666 = License plate of the Beast
  • 1010011 = Binary number of the Beast
  • 665.99 = Retail number of the Beast
  • 644.65 = Wal-Mart number of the Beast
  • Rte 666 = Highway of the Beast
  • 666i = BMW of the Beast
  • Motel 666 = Beast Western
  • 666F = Temperature of Lake of Fire

 

 

IT MUST BE TRUE BECAUSE I HEARD IT ON THE RADIO!

WORKOUTS DO MORE FOR YOUR BRAIN THAN CROSSWORDS AND MOZART

Doing puzzles and listening to classical music might improve your concentration momentarily, but they don’t actually make you any smarter. That is, they don’t improve your long-term brain function, according to Nicholas Spitzer, a professor of neuroscience at the University of California and editor-in-chief of BrainFacts.org. In a recent interview (with The Economist) Spitzer said, “Many people think classical music is going to enhance brain function or playing particular games sharpens one’s cognitive function. These theories have been looked at in detail and they don’t stand up.” What does work? Exercise — especially out in the sun.

 

 

INSPIRATIONAL INSPIRATION

SOME ADDITIONAL INSPIRATION

The most destructive habit————-worry

The greatest joy———–giving

The greatest loss———self respect

The most satisfying work————-Helping others

The ugliest personality trait———Selfishness

The most endangered species——Dedicated leaders

Our greatest natural resource——-our youth

The greatest “shot in the arm” ———Encouragement

The greatest problem to overcome——-Fear

The Most effective sleeping pill——Peace of mind

The most crippling failure disease——Excuses

The most powerful force in life———Love

The most dangerous outcast——a gossiper

The worlds most incredible computer——-the brain

The worst thing to be without——Hope

The deadliest weapon———the tongue

The two most power-filled words——–I Can

The greatest asset——–Faith

The most worthless emotion———-self pity

The most powerful channel of communication—Prayer

The most beautiful attire——–A smile

The most prized possession—–Integrity

The most contagious spirit—–Enthusiasm

Power is the ability to do good things for others.

Love is doing good things for others.

To the world, YOU may be one person, but to one person, you may be the World.

 

 

DRIVE TIME DEVOTIONAL

A health teacher taught his students the importance of washing their hands before eating. He had them take scrapings from their fingers and put them in an environment that fosters the growth of bacteria. A few days later, they looked at the results through a microscope. The students found critters from their fingers that could have made them sick if they had eaten them with their dinner.

Many people who make sure they wash their hands before they eat are careless about a far more serious kind of contamination. They should heed the advice of Isaiah. He showed God’s people the visible evidence of their evil condition. He pointed to their crumbling society and told them it was the result of their moral and spiritual pollution. They had lived for selfish rewards, ignored justice and mercy, and loved material possessions more than people. No wonder Isaiah exhorted them, “Wash yourselves, make yourselves clean” (Isa. 1:16).

Behind Isaiah’s words is the heavenly Father’s love. Because God can see the danger of sin, He points to its visible, physical results. He pleads with us to be as careful with what we take into our hearts and minds as we are with what we put into our mouths.

 

 

LEFTOVERS

IS FREEDOM OF RELIGION AN ABSOLUTE?

Can you do anything in this world and get away with just by claiming that your actions are spiritual in nature?  While I’m all for keeping my freedom to worship Christ without retribution or incarceration, does having that right mean that any nut job can claim religious freedom for whatever he or she wants?

In Troy, New York, Sarah Yule was fired as a receptionist at St. Mary’s Hospital because she refused to remove her lip ring at work. Sarah said it was integral to her religion, the Church of Body Modification and insisted that her several piercings are spiritual, giving her control over her body. She declined to accept an alternate job at St. Mary’s, away from public contact and is looking at suing.

In Franklin County, Missouri, Joseph Butts is in jail after being caught with 338 pounds of marijuana in a traffic stop. However, during the stop, Joe informed the arresting officer that hassling him would be considered a “hate crime” because he was a special courier transporting religious instruments between member monasteries of the Church of Cognizance, which uses marijuana as a sacrament.

 

 

LIFE… LIVE IT

White bread – it might be adding more bread to your waist’s bread basket.

A study of waist circumference by Tufts University in Boston found that people who eat too much white bread have larger waists than those who eat whole grain bread. They divided test subjects into five categories based on what food was most prominent in their diets: white bread, sweets, alcohol, meat and potatoes, or healthy foods like whole grains. Those who ate the most white bread had the most fat around the middle, even more than those who liked sweets, potatoes or beer.  ***MARLAR: So feel free to have as many Gummy Bears, hash browns, and Cokes as you’d like… just don’t eat them on a bun.

 

 

JUST FOR FUN

PUTRID PLANT

Wanna keep dogs and cats away from your yard? One gardener has the answer… it’s a really smelly plant!

A German gardener has invented a plant that stinks so much it discourages cats and dogs from leaving unwanted “gifts” on lawns. The horrible-smelling hybrid, dubbed the “get lost plant” has become popular among people keen to keep feline and canine visitors out of their gardens. Dieter Stegmaier invented the smelly plant by crossing a wild Australian plant and a South American coleus.  Dieter said several million cuttings from the pungent plants have already been ordered.  ***MARLAR: Great idea… but I guarantee you I’d be paying someone else to mow my lawn from now on.

 

 

FUN LIST

TOP FIVE WORST CHRISTMAS MOVIES EVER MADE

  • “It’s a Wonderful Life Insurance and Why You Need It”
  • “Snakes on a Sleigh”
  • “Freddy Kruger’s Miracle on Elm Street”
  • “Silent Talladega Night”
  • “Superman Returns Christmas Presents”

 

 

MORE SHOW PREP STUFF…

WASH WHERE I CAN HIDE!

An 11-year-old girl thought a washing machine was the perfect place for a game of hide-and-seek recently… that is, until she got stuck inside for over 90 minutes! The girl was playing with her brother and some friends, and she crawled into the machine and got jammed with her legs wrapped around the agitator and her back wedged against the tub. Her mom first called a repairman, who gave up after an hour. Then she called the firefighters, who finally had to cut the kid loose with the Jaws of Life.

 

 

TOTALLY OUTRAGEOUS!

(Mondays Only)

 

 

OTHER STUFF I WANT TO CRAM INTO TODAY’S PREP

 

It’s the most intolerant time of the year.

 

Christmas is supposed to be the most wonderful time of the year, right? Then why do I feel more “humbug” than “ho, ho, ho”? If that question from iMom fits where you are right now, they suggest you take their 30 Day Holiday Challenge to add more meaning, memories, and joy to your Christmas season! The 30 days of suggestions include everything from hugging more to reaching out to the left out and forgotten. Access all thirty days at http://bit.ly/11SzSfX

 

From preventing cancer and heart disease to building self-esteem, overwhelming evidence proves generosity is good for your mental and physical health. According to CBN.com, Dr. Michael McKee, a psychologist at Cleveland Clinic, develops ways to enhance the inner healing response of patients. He says “There are tremendous health benefits to giving.” According to a University of California study and a separate University of Michigan study, older people who volunteered for two or more organizations were 44 percent less likely to die over a five-year period than those who didn’t volunteer.

http://go.cbn.com/4791

 

Looking for a fun way to help your kids count down the days until Christmas? Focus on the Family’s Clubhouse Magazine has a suggestion. Their idea is to cut strips of red and green construction paper about 8 inches long. Then have your kids write the name of a person they would like to pray for on each paper. Glue the papers together into a chain and hang it in your room, on a Christmas tree, or in a doorway. Then tear off one strip each day and pray for the person listed. When you reach the end of your paper chain on Christmas Eve pray and thank God for sending His Son, Jesus, the best gift ever. http://bit.ly/1Czwc32

 

 

10 of the strangest products featuring Jesus available this Christmas

  1. Jesus pencil toppers
  2. Jesus flashlight
  3. Jesus shoes
  4. Jesus ashtray
  5. Jesus adhesive bandages
  6. A Jesus is My Coach figurine
  7. Jesus Zippo Lighter
  8. Cuddly Jesus plush toy
  9. JESUS TOASTER!
  10. Jesus money box

http://bit.ly/1LBodAJ

 

 

Dave Ramsey’s Top 10 Christmas Shopping Mistakes .

  1. Not prioritizing.
  2. Not having a budget written down.
  3. Using credit cards.
  4. Buying for everyone.
  5. Not listening.
  6. Not having a thought-out list on paper.
  7. Not shopping around.
  8. Waiting until the last minute.
  9. Forgetting to plan for next year.
  10. Forgetting why we celebrate.

http://bit.ly/1MzuGxO

 

 

AND I LEAVE YOU WITH THIS THOUGHT

My dog is worried about the economy because Alpo is up to 99 cents a can. That’s almost $7.00 in dog money.
–-Joe Weinstein

 

 

THE WAY WE WORK

(Updated as it comes available. The Way WE Work is written by Mark Elfstrand from 1160Hope.com in Chicago.)

 

In the Throes of Airline Woes

 

Today completes the main travel days of the Thanksgiving cycle. Thus, another busy day at airports. Last week, I noted that airlines are continually finding ways to scrunch customers on their planes. We need to do better.

My blog today is a follow up to my thoughts on the unfortunate “adventure” that air travel often becomes. Let’s begin with some real adventure!

Landing at Midway Airport in Chicago has always been exciting. Five relatively short runways, the longest of which is 6,522 feet in length. The adventure of flying into Midway is always to see how close you are to those to someone’s rooftop. A simple Google search of “plane skids off runway at Midway” yields stories of several incidents. It’s a little awkward when you slide into Midway and the Captain comes on and says, “Safe!”

Nonetheless, it’s my preferred airport in Chicago. Generally easy access. Rarely do you wait for other airplanes to take off. Tasty eats. All good. Except for one thing. Well, maybe two. Baggage claim and security screening.

Recent visitors we picked up at Midway arrived on a Saturday evening. It took almost a full hour from the time they exited the plane to when their luggage arrived. Sure there had been a snowstorm. Sure there were lots of people at the airport. Both of these factors were known in advance!

Simple solution: get more people! I have had the benefit of having a friend who managed an airport at one of America’s larger cities. I toured the airport on a couple of occasions with him and was amazed at the sophistication of the baggage claim process. I’m not so amazed in Chicago.

My son travels a lot on business. He purchased the privilege of TSA PreCheck that allows you to avoid the normally long lines of security checks. This works well except when it doesn’t work at all! My son noted that on a few more recent occasions, the airport decided not to open those lanes.

 

Another travel adventure.

His second airline adventure came when flying a “no frills airline.” He needed more space so he arranged for a second seat. He’s a big man and wanted room to work comfortably. A gate attendant knew of his second seat and embarrassed him into yielding it (with no refund) to a passenger on their overbooked airline. Smiling cooly she asked, “Do you really need that seat?” I don’t know, do you really need to overbook your airline?

And here’s one for you. Why in the world of amazing Bose speakers do we have airline on-board instructions that can’t be heard or understood? It happened to us on recent flights to Israel. The safety instructions could not be heard because the system kept breaking up! During the flight, the captain came on the overhead speakers and was indiscernible.

Am I the only one thinking we need some air travel “miracle makeovers”? I don’t think so. Wired magazine recently popped out a story titled, “Here’s What Makes Flying Suck and How Designers Would Fix It.” That gets to the point! http://www.wired.com/2015/11/heres-what-makes-flying-suck-and-how-designers-would-fix-it/?mbid=nl_112515

Some of them were borderline humorous. One designer would like moon roofs built in to have a cabin flooded with daylight or to watch the evening constellations. Another offered he would trade watching movies to have a “quiet place” in the airplane for like, well, meditation.

More to my preferences was a designer from Ustwo (a digital product studio), Avalon Hu. He observed that tray tables rarely get adequately cleaned between stopovers. He suggests detachable tray tables that can be interchanged quickly. You could then dispose of the dirty ones or send them to be cleaned. (Or how about a warm disinfectant towel before we depart?)

Others would design an armrest that offered a pop up vertical divider for more privacy…and to keep the sleeping passenger next to you from putting their head on your shoulder. Another suggests personalizing when flyers can eat or sleep on longer flights.

But Jeff Salazar’s overall observation rang truest with me. Jeff is the VP of design at Lunar, now a part of McKinsey. He writes, “Iconic companies like Disney and Apple have dedicated their organizations to expertly crafting and weaving together the many micro-experiences of the physicality of space into truly magical moments. They anticipate our needs, from the trivial to the nuanced and complex. These brands simultaneously streamline and enhance our relationship to space and experience. It’s the most mundane of experiences that deserve the delight of design.”
You got it, Jeff.

To the passenger side, Jesus of Nazareth was not a burdened down traveler. We often are. Maybe we should heed the advice He gave in sending out His disciples. To them “He said, ‘Don’t load yourselves up with equipment. Keep it simple; you are the equipment. And no luxury inns—get a modest place and be content there until you leave. If you’re not welcomed, leave town. Don’t make a scene. Shrug your shoulders and move on.’” (Luke 9:2-5, MSG)

Travel light. Show hospitality. Be a witness.

Even passengers could use a miracle makeover.

That’s The Way WE Work. Click on the link to the right to connect via Facebook.

 

Catch “Let’s Talk with Mark Elfstrand” weekday afternoons from 4-6pm on AM 1160 Hope for Your Life. To listen to the live broadcast or a podcast of previous shows click here.

 

 

THE TICKET Movie Reviews with MARIE ASNER

Marie Asner has been reviewing films for over 30 years. Her outlets include radio, print and Internet. For more in-depth movie reviews of the following films, visit www.Tollbooth.org. Ratings from 1 (Low) to 5 (High).

 

DECEMBER 04, 2015…

 

Macbeth (opening in select cities)—Michael Fassbender (“Steve Jobs”) now takes on Shakespeare to portray Macbeth with Marion Cotillard as Lady Macbeth. Here we are in Scotland of the 11th century and there is murder, intrigue and back-stabbing (excuse the pun) everywhere. “Macbeth” is rated R. No rating.

 

Krampus—a holiday horror film, dark comedy starring Toni Collette and Adam Scott about a horrible demon. His targets are people who don’t help people during the holidays. Your guess is as good as mine. “Krampus” is rated R. No rating.

 

DECEMBER 11, 2015…

 

*Note: Legend, starring Tom Hardy as two gangster brothers who rule London, is now due to open this week.  Here’s hoping.

 

In The Heart Of The Sea with Chris Hemsworth as part of the crew of a 1820 whaling ship decimated by a white whale, is opening this week.  Based on a true story.

 

The Big Short has Brad Pitt and Ryan Gosling as two guys who bet against banks. Shades of financial maneuvering.

 

The Lady In The Van (opening in select cities) and based on the true story of a woman who parked her van in a driveway and lived there for years. Stars Maggie Smith.

 

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WARNING:  Don’t believe anything you read on the Internet or email (including stuff you read here) unless you can confirm it with another source, and/or it is consistent with what you already know to be true. The opinions in this publication are not necessarily those of Darren Marlar, Marlar House Entertainment, OnAirPrep.com, or any company or organization affiliated with aforementioned. (Regardless of how stupid you may think those opinions are. So there – nyah!)

Darren Marlar credits all non-original material to the author whenever possible. All other material is original, used with permission, or author unknown. We welcome all comments, questions, and suggestions. Darren can be reached via his website at www.DarrenMarlar.com.