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PRINTER FRIENDLY VERSION: 20161206
WELCOME TO THE SHOW!
It’s important I don’t reach my Christmas peak too early. Today it’s Fa La! Next week it’ll be Fa La La La. Then Christmas week — the full blown Fa La La La La La La La La.
BIBLE VERSE OF THE DAY
Now when Jesus was born in Bethlehem of Judaea in the days of Herod the king, behold, there came wise men from the east to Jerusalem, saying, Where is he that is born King of the Jews? For we have seen his star in the east, and are come to worship him. –Matthew 2:1-2
Look! The virgin will conceive a child! She will give birth to a son, and they will call him Immanuel, which means ‘God is with us.’ –Matt 1:23, NLT
HEARTLIGHT DAILY VERSE, PRAYER & THOUGHT
And you have forgotten that word of encouragement that addresses you as sons: “My son, do not make light of the Lord’s discipline, and do not lose heart when he rebukes you… — Hebrews 12:5
Thought: When I was young, I always acted as if I hated discipline. It was part of the game. Now that I am older, I am so thankful that my parents loved me enough to discipline me strongly, to guide me lovingly, and encourage me repeatedly. This “discipline and training of God” has given me so many blessings. Now if I can just learn to recognize and appreciate the Lord’s discipline in my life the same way! The lack of love is not hate, but indifference. The opposite of concern is an unwillingness to discipline. Thank God that he loves us and knows us enough to be involved in our lives and discipline us in the direction of heaven.
Prayer: Father in heaven, please help me to recognize your discipline and correction in my life. I want to live for you with an undivided heart, pleasing you in word, thought, and deed. I confess, however, that sometimes my heart is rebellious or my resolve is weak. I thank you for helping me recognize my loss of spiritual direction through your loving discipline. In Jesus’ name I pray. Amen.
The Thoughts and Prayers for Today’s Verse are written by Phil Ware. You can email questions or comments to email@example.com.
“BIRTHDAY VERSE” OF THE DAY (The chapter and verse corresponds to the month and the day!)
1 Corinthians 12:6 NIV = There are different kinds of working, but the same God works all of them in all men.
TODAY IS TUESDAY – DECEMBER 06, 2016
(NOTE: Some holidays may be duplicated due to various calendars reporting conflicting dates)
WEIRD, WACKY, STRANGE, ZANY, ODD, BIZARRE, QUIRKY, UNUSUAL HOLIDAYS!
THERE ARE ONLY 19 SHOPPING DAYS UNTIL CHRISTMAS.
Today is NATIONAL GIVE A SECRET GIFT DAY. They are the best kind. ***And if you’d like to do that this year and need an address to send something secretly to me, just let me know.
The WORLD’S LARGEST OUTLET SALE is this week Pigeon Forge, Tennessee. ***Like I can’t get a cheap regular-sized electrical outlet at Home Depot?
Today is INTERNATIONAL BAD HAIR DAY. ***Which reminds me, do they still sell Chia Pets?
Today is NATIONAL PAWN BROKERS DAY. ***Where this Christmas’ hottest gifts can be found!
Today is ST. NICHOLAS DAY & KRIS KRINGLE DAY. In many European countries, St. Nicholas brings fruit, cakes, and gifts to all good little children. The name “Santa Claus” evolved from St. Nicholas via a Dutch dialect form of the name, Sinte Klaas or Sinterklaas. The first church in what would become New York City, built by the Dutch in 1624, was named for Sinterklaas. When it comes to Kris Kringle – turns out that’s not really the other name of St. Nicholas or of Santa Claus. The name Kris Kringle is actually a mishearing of the original German word, “Christkind”, which literally means “Christ Child”! Children used to celebrate the Christ Child coming to bear gifts – but English-speaking visitors misunderstood what the children where excited about and came back with the name Kris Kringle.
Today is MINER’S DAY. ***That’s like coal miners, or gold miners, not minors as in pre-adults. That version of “Minor’s Day” comes Christmas morning when they see what the fat man left under the tree.
TODAY IS ALSO…
COMING UP NEXT (Just a list, we are not endorsing the holidays posted below.)
WEDNESDAY, DECEMBER 07
THURSDAY, DECEMBER 08
Pretend To Be A Time Traveler Day
FRIDAY, DECEMBER 09
International Anti-corruption Day
Official Lost & Found Day
Weary Willie Day
SATURDAY, DECEMBER 10
SUNDAY, DECEMBER 11
International Mountain Day
Mawlid Al Nabi
Worldwide Candle Lighting Day (The Compassionate Friends)
World Choral Day
MONDAY, DECEMBER 12
TUESDAY, DECEMBER 13
Pick A Pathologist Pal Day Link
ON THIS DAY
342: Bishop Nicholas of Myra died in Asia Minor. He had established the first known homes for the aged and, after his death, it became known that he also secretly provided dowries for numerous poor brides-to-be. The church and legend transformed him into jolly old Saint Nicholas.
1790: The U.S. Congress moved from New York to Philadelphia.
1877: Edison mechanic John Kruesi completed and demonstrated the first wax cylinder recording machine. Thomas Edison patented it two months later.
1883: The debut issue of the “Ladies’ Home Journal” was published.
1923: A presidential address was broadcast on radio for the first time as President Coolidge spoke to a joint session of Congress.
1960: Thomas Monaghan founded Domino’s Pizza.
1968: Elvis Presley and 66,000 other potential administrative office holders received a letter from President Richard Nixon.
1973: House minority leader Gerald Ford was sworn in as vice president, succeeding Spiro Agnew.
1988: The U.S. issued a patent (#4,789,233) to Edna Arsenault and George Spector for Eyeglass Wipers, miniature windshield-wiper-like devices that both wash and wipe eyeglasses.
1990: U.S. Vice-President Dan Quayle was inducted into the Little League Museum’s Hall of Excellence.
1995: Vegetarian Linda McCartney, the wife of former Beatle Paul McCartney, paid $4,600 at a London charity auction to save a prize turkey from the dinner table. Traditionally, the champion bird was purchased and served by a restaurant. ***In this situation the turkey was saved by another turkey.
1998: Swiss firefighters had to rescue a 35-year-old doofus who climbed into the famous Bern bear pit and threw snowballs at two bears named Selma and Urs. Selma inflicted significant leg and shoulder damage before the man could be rescued.
2000: A Kazakh man who was electrocuted and buried shocked friends and family by showing up for his own funeral feast. After two days in a shallow grave, the man regained consciousness and rose naked from the ground. Reportedly, he had difficulty flagging down a car to take him home.
2002: Actress Winona Ryder was sentenced to community service for stealing more than $5,500 in merchandise from Saks Fifth Avenue in Beverly Hills, California.
2003: Army became the first team to finish 0-13 in major college history after losing to Navy 34-6. ***Apparently “Army of One” extends to the number of players on the field as well.
TODAY IN CHRISTIAN HISTORY
342: Bishop Nicholas of Myra died in Asia Minor. He had established the first known homes for the aged and, after his death, it became known that he also secretly provided dowries for numerous poor brides-to-be. The church and legend transformed him into jolly old Saint Nicholas.
1787: Cokesbury College, America’s first Methodist institution of higher learning, opens in Abingdon, Maryland.
1925: Death of Russell Conwell, writer of “Acres of Diamonds” and founder of Temple College
1950: Death of Susan Strachen who, with her husband, founded the Latin American Evangelization Campaign, later renamed the Latin American Mission, Inc.
HOLLYWOOD, SPORTS AND CELEBRITY FIGURE BIRTHDAYS
Actress (Cliffhanger, “Northern Exposure”) Janine Turner, 54
comedian Steven Wright 61
Actor (Amadeus, Animal House, Parenthood) Tom Hulce, 63
actress (Poltergeist, The Big Chill, Jungle 2 Jungle) JoBeth Williams 68
SOME OF STEVEN WRIGHT’S BEST ONE-LINERS
All those who believe in psycho-kinesis raise my hand.
The early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met.
OK, so what’s the speed of dark?
How do you tell when you’re out of invisible ink?
If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something.
Support bacteria – they’re the only culture some people have.
When everything is coming your way, you’re in the wrong lane.
Ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy.
Hard work pays off in the future. Laziness pays off now.
Everyone has a photographic memory. Some just don’t have film.
Shin: a device for finding furniture in the dark.
Many people quit looking for work when they find a job.
I intend to live forever – so far, so good.
If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?
Eagles may soar, but weasels don’t get sucked into jet engines.
Everywhere is walking distance if you have the time.
(Music Artist Birthdays From SongFacts.com)
1896 : Ira Gershwin
1920 : Dave Brubeck
1939 : Steve Alaimo
1941 : Helen Cornelius
1942 : Len Barry
1943 : Mike Smith (The Dave Clark Five)
1944 : Jonathan King
1947 : Kim Simmonds (Savoy Brown)
1947 : Miroslav Vitous (Weather Report)
1952 : Randy Rhoads (Quiet Riot)
1955 : Rick Buckler (The Jam)
1956 : Peter Buck (R.E.M.)
1961 : David Lovering (Pixies)
1962 : Ben Watt (Everything But The Girl)
1970 : Ulf Ekberg (Ace Of Base)
SECRETS OF THE UNIVERSE
Almost daily we read something in a newspaper or on television, where we’re told that scientists have dated something to be millions or billions of years old. Can these dating methods really be trusted?
First of all most dating methods do not show that rocks are millions or billions of years old. You see, there are many ways scientists can try to age-date things. Actually, most dating methods that scientists use give results far younger than evolutionists need. All dating methods involve something that changes over time. For instance, radioactive Uranium, over time, changes into a form of lead. Therefore, if scientists assume:
1) they know how much was there at the beginning
2) this rate of change has not been disrupted through time, and
3) there’s been no contamination…
… they can calculate how long this has been happening. This is how they get millions of years. But all of these assumptions have been shown to be invalid. Not only this, but other dating methods – such as the amount of salt transported into the oceans, or the amount of helium built up in the atmosphere – indicate that the earth can’t be billions or millions of years old. All dating methods are fallible, but God’s Word, beginning with Genesis, is infallible.
(Edited from Answers in Genesis and Creation Tips)
CHRISTIAN ARTIST NEWS
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(No news on the weekends. As on ONAIRprep subscriber, you can get a fully-produced, customized version of the Daily Dose of Weird News FREE with a station or show specific tag! Email firstname.lastname@example.org for details!)
NEW NEWS KICKERS…
CNN is supposedly trying to lure Megyn Kelly over to their network. ***Which should be an easy thing to accomplish if Megyn’s lifelong dream is to deliver the news to an audience of twelve people.
Fiat Chrysler says its new minivan gets 84 miles-per-gallon in its electric mode. ***Which is awesome… until you realize you’re driving a minivan.
Beavers have officially joined the war on Christmas. In Charlotte Hall, Maryland witnesses recently spotted a lone beaver wandering through the artificial Christmas tree aisle. Officials say the beaver soon began to tear through the Christmas trees and the store, leaving a path of destruction. The beaver was apprehended by animal control before it could leave the store. It is unclear what, exactly, the beaver’s motives were, or why he has such a thing against artificial Christmas trees.
This coming New Year’s Eve, a leap second will be added to align clocks more accurately with the Earth’s rotation. ***You’ve been asking for more time in your day, and now you’ll get it! You’re welcome.
In Chandler, Arizona, homeowner Jacquie Wedding has sent a strong message to any would-be thieves regarding her outdoor Christmas decorations: Don’t even think about it. Wedding said, “I hear it’s getting really bad, even the lights off their bushes are getting stolen. It’s kind of sad.” So along with their typical yuletide lighting displays, they but an inflatable snowman holding a shotgun with a sign that reads: “Stealing this light is not worth your life. I’ll find you!” Wedding said, “It just tells them we own a gun. We don’t know how else to get the point across.” The decorations have caught the attention of neighbors, many who pull over to take pictures. In the week it has been up, no decorations have been stolen. ***After Christmas the snowman will be available to rent for shotgun weddings or to greet the dates of young daughters.
The latest ratings for “Empire” are the lowest yet. ***Although they have high hopes for the series next Fall when they rename the show “The Empire Strikes Back”.
Taylor Swift is launching her own cable TV channel. ***The shows will be awesome for a couple of episodes, then become lukewarm, and finally be canceled and have a song written about them.
For four days, city parking officers in Fort Lauderdale, Florida continued to slap tickets on an SUV parked three blocks from the County Courthouse. Apparently, nobody could be bothered to look inside. But when Carolyn White noticed the pile of citations, she did take a look. Inside she saw the body of 62-year-old Jacob Morpeau sitting in the driver’s seat with his upper body lying face down over the SUV’s center console. His hand held a credit card. It was later discovered he died of natural causes and had been ill with hypertensive cardiovascular disease. What’s not known is how long Morpeau’s body had been inside the Isuzu. The SUV had been issued tickets from Nov. 12 through Nov. 15 but whether he was inside the Isuzu when the tickets were put on the windshield is also not known. Fort Lauderdale officials declined to comment on the situation. If it makes you feel better, the assistant clerk said the city dismissed the $160 in parking fees, “due to extenuating circumstances.” ***Well, gee, that was nice of them.
69% of men say the worst thing about the holiday shopping season is wrapping gifts. ***Don’t I know it. I’m tempted to ask my wife to do wrap her own presents and then just act surprised on Christmas morning.
NEWS KICKER EVERGREENS…
According to a list released by the Huffington Post, Chicago is the seventh most overrated place to visit in the world. ***The survey may be faulty though, because they recommend going to Detroit instead.
A poll says 83% of American workers are stressed out by at least one thing at work. ***I can only assume the other 17% don’t really understand the definition of work.
A new report says that nearly one out of every two American consumers visits McDonald’s in a month. ***That may be a little misleading though. Some of those are the same people coming back because they forgot the ketchup.
They say that money can’t buy happiness, but if it could it apparently wouldn’t cost very much. According to a report out of Britain, a candy bar, a long soak in the bathtub, an afternoon nap, and a leisurely stroll in the park are the things that make us the most happy. ***We should be asking for those things as perks and bonuses. Did you land that sweet account for your company? Congrats – you get a hot bath and a Snickers bar!
WONDER WOMAN (This feature will be disappearing in 2017)
CLICK HERE TO DOWNLOAD TODAY’S EPISODE… “Night Falls”
DAILY COMEDY CLIP (This feature will be disappearing in 2017)
CLICK HERE TO DOWNLOAD TODAY’S EPISODE… Sally Boeke, “Satan At The Door”
AS THE JUNGLE TURNS – WEEKDAY VERSION
CLICK HERE TO DOWNLOAD TUESDAY’S EPISODE
OPEN: And now, FancyMonkey.com, (Show Name), and (Station Call Letters) bring you As the Jungle Turns! When last we left the jungle, Millard the Monkey was in the hospital after hurting himself while trying to do things better than Steve Mozart. Mozart was also in the hospital, received all of the attention, made a miraculous recovery, and is headed out of the hospital with everyone following him…
CLOSE: It may be freezing in Siberia, but the good news is that there isn’t any Steve Mozart there! At least, that’s what Millard hopes. We’ll find out next time, As the Jungle Turns!
AS THE JUNGLE TURNS – SATURDAY/SUNDAY VERSION (This feature will be disappearing in 2017)
CLICK HERE TO DOWNLOAD THE EPISODE FOR THE WEEKEND OF DECEMBER 10/11
OPEN: And now, FancyMonkey.com, (Show Name), and (Station Call Letters) bring you As the Jungle Turns! Last time, Gruffy was dead, Millard was dead, Racquet was dead… everyone was dead except Nozzles and Sully! Wait a minute… never mind, that’s the wrong script. Ah, here we go… last time the animals found the source of some giant footprints… a giant gorilla!
CLOSE: Alright – I’m with Millard on this one. Forget the whole friend thing, I’d stay in that cave… just to be safe. We’ll find out what the rest of the animals do, next time… As the Jungle Turns!
***You may simulcast “As the Jungle Turns” on the Internet stream of your live broadcast only. Any other Internet use of “As the Jungle Turns” in whole or part including podcasting of your live broadcast is a violation of copyright law. Thank you for your cooperation on this vitally important issue. If you have any questions, please e-mail us and ask about “Jungle Jam & Friends the Radio Show” usage.
MOMENT OF DUH
It was an attempt to cheat the bus company that ended up as a Moment of Duh.
Some bus fare dodgers in the United Kingdom, decided to get away with avoiding bus fares by using substitute coins in the fare machine. But what they used as substitute coins qualifies them for today’s Moment of Duh; these inDUHviduals were accidentally giving away a treasure trove of outdated, extremely valuable, foreign coins. For example, two gold half-sovereigns worth about $45 each were found in the collection. In total the rare coins tallied about $7,500.
MURPHY’S TOP TEN HOUSEHOLD LAWS
10. A child’s eagerness to assist in any project varies in inverse proportion to his/her ability to actually do the work involved.
9. Leftovers always expand to fill all available containers plus one.
8. A newly washed window gathers dirt at twice the speed of an unwashed one.
7. The availability of a ballpoint pen is inversely proportional to how badly it is needed.
6. Garage clutter expands. The same clutter that will fill a one-car garage will, if you move, fill a two-car garage.
5. Three children plus two cookies equals a fight.
4. The potential for disaster is in direct proportion to the number of TV remote-controls divided by the number of viewers.
3. The number of doors left open varies inversely with the outside temperature.
2. The capacity of any water-heater is equal to 1-1/2 sibling showers.
1. The laws of physics dictate that what goes up must come down, except bubble gum and slightly used cereal.
THE FILES OF LAW & DISORDER
A man is arrested for a crime spree that lasted three days… and bungled every single crime he committed! That story and others coming in the files of Law & Disorder!
FILE #1: Police in Jackson, Mississippi have arrested a man for a 3-day series of bungled robberies. The suspect is charged with robbing two banks and a chicken restaurant. Freddie Mason was pushing his luck, considering he wasn’t doing much to disguise himself. At one of the banks, police said a classmate recognized him. At another, he allegedly filled out a credit application during a long wait. During the robbery of the restaurant, one of the witnesses was an old friend of Freddie’s. Mason was arrested when he was spotted walking right by some police officers.
FILE #2: A French parachutist was arrested after he jumped from the third and uppermost floor of the Eiffel Tower around 1 a.m., sailing down to land smoothly near the foot of the tower. He was immediately detained by police. The parachutist, whose identity was not revealed, entered the tower while it was open to the public and hid after closing time. Police have not decided whether to press charges. ***Proposed punishments could include a hefty fine, some jail time, or having the man jump again – this time without a parachute.
FILE #3: A man held up a bank recently while a female companion bought a getaway car from a used lot across the street. Walker Alexander Williams was charged with robbery after police stopped him and the woman two miles away in the newly purchased 1996 white Neon. Cathy Chandler of American Auto Sales said a woman called about 10:30 a.m. asking if any cars were selling for $2,500 or less. Told about the Neon, the woman said to prepare the paperwork. Meanwhile, a robber fled on foot from the Coastal Bank of Georgia after stealing an undisclosed amount of cash. The woman paid for the car with crisp $100 bills as police arrived at the car lot and asked if anyone had seen a man running by. The woman answered no. The officer returned to the lot after a witness described seeing a man matching the robber’s description getting into a white Neon. Chandler told police about the woman who bought the car. Police found the money minus $2,500 on the floorboard of the car in a Styrofoam box.
STRANGE LAW: In Kansas City, KS, saying the name “George Washington” without adding the phrase “blessed be his name,” can land you with a fine of up to fifty cents.
THIS IS YOUR BRAIN ON DRUGS
Can two people in the same car be arrested for driving drunk?
Police on Long Island say they’ve pulled two drunken drivers from one car. Nassau County officers say they spotted a woman trying to make a three-point turn on a road in East Meadow. They say that when she couldn’t complete the maneuver, she switched places with a male passenger, who took the steering wheel and completed the turn while not wearing a seat belt. Police pulled them over and charged them with drunken driving. As police Commissioner Lawrence Mulvey put it, “We have two individuals arrested for driving the same car intoxicated.”
Did you ever open a Christmas present early without your parents knowing about it? What do you do now to keep the little-ones from doing the same thing? Do you hide gifts in a different place? Change up the name-tags so they don’t know which present goes to which kid? Color-coding of gifts that only Mom and Dad knows? Store the gifts in some other location other than the house?
BIBLE BRAIN BUSTER!
QUESTION: What two psalms are virtually identical?
ANSWER: Psalms 14 and 53 (Biblical scholars do not know why these two psalms are virtually identical. Some think it goes back to the time when Bibles were copied by hand, and an ancient scribe simply wrote it twice. Others believe it wasn’t an error, but rather was intended as a “refrain” to be read aloud by a congregation.)
QUESTION: What does Charlie Brown’s father do as a profession?
ANSWER: He’s a barber.
TRUE OR FALSE
Pay attention! If our next player doesn’t answer all ten T/F questions correctly we start all over from question #1! First person to answer question #10 correctly is our winner!
1. There are actually 21 islands that make up the Hawaiian Islands. (False… there are 132 islands!)
2. The hamburger is the most popular food ordered in American restaurants. (False… it’s French Fries)
3. The last stall of any public restroom is usually the cleanest. (False… it’s the first stall that is the cleanest, as most people seeking privacy usually skip it and go directly to the last stall – which is usually the dirtiest.)
4. Buffalo can actually jump as high as six feet in the air. (False)
5. The first letter Vanna White ever turned on “Wheel of Fortune” was the letter A. (False… it was the letter “T”)
6. Most dinosaurs were about the size of a large dog. (False. In fact, most dinosaurs were no larger than a chicken!)
7. On average there are about 300 earthquakes in the world each year. (False… believe it or not it’s more like 50,000)
8. Most people in China don’t eat cheese. (True… it’s just not a big thing over there)
9. Recent studies have shown that people perform better on tests if they have a cold. (True… but they don’t know why)
10. The huddle formation used by football teams originated at Gallaudet University, a liberal arts college for deaf people in Washington, D.C., to prevent other schools from reading their sign language. (True)
TABLOID MATCH GAME
You have to match the blank in the tabloid headline with the word or phrase that has been removed!
______ KICKED OUT OF CEMETERY (GHOST)
PARIS – Authorities took the corpse of a woman out of one cemetery and buried it in another – because her screaming ghost was disturbing neighbors!
Only a few days after Yvonne DeLyon, 61, was buried in the first graveyard, complaints began pouring in from people who live nearby. The public outcry continued for six months before officials finally had to take action.
“That woman screamed and wailed all night,” said one resident of the small town of Feurs, France. “It scared us almost to death. The whole reasons my family and I moved here beside the cemetery was because it was quiet and peaceful. But it got so we couldn’t get a decent night’s sleep.”
Accounts from the complaining citizens charge that much of the noise was incoherent ranting. But many of the terrified and outraged townspeople claim they distinctly heard the dead woman nagging and berating her husband, who died three years before her.
One man said he clearly overheard her yelling things like, “Charles, don’t you dare leave that wet towel on the bed,” or “Why don’t we ever go out to dinner?”
Jean Vecque, director and manager of the cemetery, confirms the reports. “I’ve never believed in ghosts,” says the conservative 51 year old. “I’ve been in the business for 19 years and seen hundreds of corpses. But this is the first time I’ve heard one roaring and bellowing from the coffin.”
“At first I thought it was someone playing a practical joke. So I personally investigated it. I stood out by the grave all night. It was enough to scare me to death. I never heard such eerie screeching. And it was definitely coming from the grave.”
One odd sidelight of the case is that Mrs. DeLyon was quiet and retiring when she was alive.
Dr. Yvette Colvert, a noted French parapsychologist who was called in to investigate, says, “This happens occasionally with people who were timid and shy in life. After death, they finally get the courage to stand up for their rights. Then there’s just no stopping them.”
Mrs. DeLyon’s only surviving relative, her son, Jacques DeLyon, tried to fight the town council’s demand to have the body exhumed. “I admit it was disturbing their sleep and frightening their children,” said Mr. DeLyon. “But I paid good money for that plot and she has the right to be laid to rest there.”
But his bid to keep her there was defeated unanimously.
Her body now lies in a rural graveyard, miles from the town, in the French countryside.
THE WAY TOO EARLY IN THE MORNING TO UNDERSTAND THE PUNCHLINE EVEN AFTER TWO CUPS OF COFFEE JOKE OF THE DAY
Some years ago an Englishman on a plane to Australia was handed one of these immigration / visitation cards to fill out.
After the standard questions, like name, nationality, passport number, etc., he got to a question that asked, “Have you ever been imprisoned?”
He pondered it for a minute, then wrote down, “I didn’t realize this was still a requirement.”
Concerned about fitness in my middle 40s, Lisa enrolled in an aerobics class. To her dismay she walked into a room filled with much younger women and decided to combat her nervousness with humor. “I’m here to do my postnatal exercises,” Lisa told the instructor.
The instructor gave her an appraising look. “How old is your baby?”
“Twenty-six,” she replied.
MEMO TO MY WIFE’S CAT, PATCHES…
When I say move, it means go someplace else. It does not mean change position but still remain in my way.
The dishes on the floor are yours and contain your food. All other dishes are mine and contain my food. (Please note: placing a paw print in the middle of my dinner does not stake your claim on it, nor do I find it aesthetically pleasing in any way.)
The stairs were not designed by NASCAR and are not a racetrack. Beating me to the bottom is not the object. Tripping me doesn’t help because I fall faster than you can run.
For the last time, humans like to use the bathroom alone. If by some miracle I beat you there and manage to get the door shut, it won’t help to claw, meow, or get your paw under the edge and try to pull the door open. (Trust me, I have been using the bathroom for years… feline attendance is not mandatory.)
When you see me asleep on the couch, it is not funny to make a sudden leap onto my stomach – no matter how much that makes Robin laugh.
My sitting down to bite into a juicy sandwich is not a signal for you to begin gagging loudly and then hocking up the most disgusting hairball in history.
A study released by scientists in Sweden says that certain foods like French Fries can cause cancer. ***Now with every Extra Value Meal you also get a coupon for a free mammogram.
Odd as it may seem, full grown Beluga whales play tag with each other. ***Probably because for whales “Hide and Seek” is completely out of the question.
Staying awake for 18 hours has the same effect on you as drinking 2-3 beers. ***So stop bugging the people outside of the liquor store, teenagers – you’re already staying awake until 3am with a buzz.
SIX SIX SIX
A friend wrote, “You know you’re a fundamentalist if you refuse any credit card number, bank account number, or phone number which includes three six’s.” Which, of course, got me thinking. I read this some years ago from the president of a well-known Bible college:
666 = Mark of the Beast
668 = Neighbor of the Beast
IAM666 = License plate of the Beast
1010011 = Binary number of the Beast
665.99 = Retail number of the Beast
644.65 = Wal-Mart number of the Beast
Rte 666 = Highway of the Beast
666i = BMW of the Beast
Motel 666 = Beast Western
666F = Temperature of Lake of Fire
IT MUST BE TRUE BECAUSE I HEARD IT ON THE RADIO!
WORKOUTS DO MORE FOR YOUR BRAIN THAN CROSSWORDS AND MOZART
Doing puzzles and listening to classical music might improve your concentration momentarily, but they don’t actually make you any smarter. That is, they don’t improve your long-term brain function, according to Nicholas Spitzer, a professor of neuroscience at the University of California and editor-in-chief of BrainFacts.org. In a recent interview (with The Economist) Spitzer said, “Many people think classical music is going to enhance brain function or playing particular games sharpens one’s cognitive function. These theories have been looked at in detail and they don’t stand up.” What does work? Exercise — especially out in the sun.
SOME ADDITIONAL INSPIRATION
The most destructive habit————-worry
The greatest joy———–giving
The greatest loss———self respect
The most satisfying work————-Helping others
The ugliest personality trait———Selfishness
The most endangered species——Dedicated leaders
Our greatest natural resource——-our youth
The greatest “shot in the arm” ———Encouragement
The greatest problem to overcome——-Fear
The Most effective sleeping pill——Peace of mind
The most crippling failure disease——Excuses
The most powerful force in life———Love
The most dangerous outcast——a gossiper
The worlds most incredible computer——-the brain
The worst thing to be without——Hope
The deadliest weapon———the tongue
The two most power-filled words——–I Can
The greatest asset——–Faith
The most worthless emotion———-self pity
The most powerful channel of communication—Prayer
The most beautiful attire——–A smile
The most prized possession—–Integrity
The most contagious spirit—–Enthusiasm
Power is the ability to do good things for others.
Love is doing good things for others.
To the world, YOU may be one person, but to one person, you may be the World.
DRIVE TIME DEVOTIONAL
A health teacher taught his students the importance of washing their hands before eating. He had them take scrapings from their fingers and put them in an environment that fosters the growth of bacteria. A few days later, they looked at the results through a microscope. The students found critters from their fingers that could have made them sick if they had eaten them with their dinner.
Many people who make sure they wash their hands before they eat are careless about a far more serious kind of contamination. They should heed the advice of Isaiah. He showed God’s people the visible evidence of their evil condition. He pointed to their crumbling society and told them it was the result of their moral and spiritual pollution. They had lived for selfish rewards, ignored justice and mercy, and loved material possessions more than people. No wonder Isaiah exhorted them, “Wash yourselves, make yourselves clean” (Isa. 1:16).
Behind Isaiah’s words is the heavenly Father’s love. Because God can see the danger of sin, He points to its visible, physical results. He pleads with us to be as careful with what we take into our hearts and minds as we are with what we put into our mouths.
IS FREEDOM OF RELIGION AN ABSOLUTE?
Can you do anything in this world and get away with just by claiming that your actions are spiritual in nature? While I’m all for keeping my freedom to worship Christ without retribution or incarceration, does having that right mean that any nut job can claim religious freedom for whatever he or she wants?
In Troy, New York, Sarah Yule was fired as a receptionist at St. Mary’s Hospital because she refused to remove her lip ring at work. Sarah said it was integral to her religion, the Church of Body Modification and insisted that her several piercings are spiritual, giving her control over her body. She declined to accept an alternate job at St. Mary’s, away from public contact and is looking at suing.
In Franklin County, Missouri, Joseph Butts is in jail after being caught with 338 pounds of marijuana in a traffic stop. However, during the stop, Joe informed the arresting officer that hassling him would be considered a “hate crime” because he was a special courier transporting religious instruments between member monasteries of the Church of Cognizance, which uses marijuana as a sacrament.
LIFE… LIVE IT
White bread – it might be adding more bread to your waist’s bread basket.
A study of waist circumference by Tufts University in Boston found that people who eat too much white bread have larger waists than those who eat whole grain bread. They divided test subjects into five categories based on what food was most prominent in their diets: white bread, sweets, alcohol, meat and potatoes, or healthy foods like whole grains. Those who ate the most white bread had the most fat around the middle, even more than those who liked sweets, potatoes or beer. ***MARLAR: So feel free to have as many Gummy Bears, hash browns, and Cokes as you’d like… just don’t eat them on a bun.
JUST FOR FUN
Wanna keep dogs and cats away from your yard? One gardener has the answer… it’s a really smelly plant!
A German gardener has invented a plant that stinks so much it discourages cats and dogs from leaving unwanted “gifts” on lawns. The horrible-smelling hybrid, dubbed the “get lost plant” has become popular among people keen to keep feline and canine visitors out of their gardens. Dieter Stegmaier invented the smelly plant by crossing a wild Australian plant and a South American coleus. Dieter said several million cuttings from the pungent plants have already been ordered. ***MARLAR: Great idea… but I guarantee you I’d be paying someone else to mow my lawn from now on.
TOP FIVE WORST CHRISTMAS MOVIES EVER MADE
“It’s a Wonderful Life Insurance and Why You Need It”
“Snakes on a Sleigh”
“Freddy Kruger’s Miracle on Elm Street”
“Silent Talladega Night”
“Superman Returns Christmas Presents”
MORE SHOW PREP STUFF…
WASH WHERE I CAN HIDE!
An 11-year-old girl thought a washing machine was the perfect place for a game of hide-and-seek recently… that is, until she got stuck inside for over 90 minutes! The girl was playing with her brother and some friends, and she crawled into the machine and got jammed with her legs wrapped around the agitator and her back wedged against the tub. Her mom first called a repairman, who gave up after an hour. Then she called the firefighters, who finally had to cut the kid loose with the Jaws of Life.
OTHER STUFF I WANT TO CRAM INTO TODAY’S PREP
Christmas is supposed to be the most wonderful time of the year, right? Then why do I feel more “humbug” than “ho, ho, ho”? If that question from iMom fits where you are right now, they suggest you take their 30 Day Holiday Challenge to add more meaning, memories, and joy to your Christmas season! The 30 days of suggestions include everything from hugging more to reaching out to the left out and forgotten. Access all thirty days at http://bit.ly/11SzSfX
This year it’ll cost a little more if you want to put everything from the “12 Days of Christmas” song under your tree. According to NBC, The price of turtle doves taking flight along with the cost of musicians marching has caused the overall tally of the 12 gifts listed in the carol to bump up to $34,363 from $34,131. Nine of the other items on the list stayed the same or got cheaper. Every year PNC Financial Group releases the index as a humorous way to track inflation in the economy. So the eight maids-a-milking and 23 musicians reflect real labor costs. And the price of five gold rings gives an insight into commodities. http://nbcnews.to/2giAGCk
A nativity scene was recently removed from a public park in northern Michigan after complaints from an anti-religion group, but it didn’t take long to find a new home for Mary, Joseph, and Jesus. According to CBN, the scene will actually be more prominent in town after Pastor David Pennell from Abundant Life Church and Mission agreed to relocate it in front of his homeless shelter. Pennell says the nativity scene will now be the first thing anyone sees when they cross the bridge into town. http://fw.to/etnlm2Y
15 Genius Gift Wrap Ideas For Prettier Presents:
Stamp your kids’ gifts with their first initial
Cover the entire top of a gift box in bows.
Accent packages with colorful holiday lights.
Make a gift card more personal by tailoring the wrap to the item.
Put the confetti (or glitter!) on the outside of the box.
A whole bunch of pom-poms look cheery on a wreath,
Fashion recycled bows out of decorative paper
Coordinate your gifts with the tree by tying on miniature baubles in the same color scheme.
Use plain white paper and top packages with candy, tree cuttings and ribbon
Use a flower or pinwheel rather than a bow.
Paint the back of jigsaw puzzles black and paste on present.
Wrap packages in a word search puzzle and cirlce the persons name
Use a burlap bag for hard to wrap items.
Use chalkboard paper and draw your own designs.
AND I LEAVE YOU WITH THIS THOUGHT
My dog is worried about the economy because Alpo is up to 99 cents a can. That’s almost $7.00 in dog money.
THE TICKET Movie Reviews with MARIE ASNER
Marie Asner has been reviewing films for over 30 years. Her outlets include radio, print and Internet. For more in-depth movie reviews of the following films, visit www.Tollbooth.org. Ratings from 1 (Low) to 5 (High).
DECEMBER 02, 2016…
La La Land—Would you believe that Ryan Gosling and Emma Stone could dance…and sing? Well, they do in this old-fashioned Hollywood musical love story that reminds one of the early Gene Kelly dance days. The story is set in Los Angeles. Damien Chazelle (“Whiplash”) directs. “La La Land” is rated PG 13. Rating of 2 for music fans.
The Eyes Of My Mother (opening in select cities)—This thriller in English and Portuguese, concerns a young woman (Kika Maghalhaes), who was raised on a farm with just her parents for company. Her mother was a former surgeon who teaches her daughter the basics of anatomy. Enter the traveling stranger (Will Brill) and then strange things happen. Also in the cast is Diane Agostini. “The Eyes Of My Mother” is rated R. No rating.
DECEMBER 09, 2016…
Miss Sloane has Jessica Chastain as a Washington D. C. lobbyist.
Office Christmas Party stars Jennifer Aniston and yes, it is about the annual Christmas party. Toss manners out the window.
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