December 06, 2017: Wednesday ONAIRprep

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PDF: 20171206

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WELCOME TO THE SHOW!

Fa La.

It’s important I don’t reach my Christmas peak too early. Today it’s Fa La! Next week it’ll be Fa La La La.   Then Christmas week — the full blown Fa La La La La La La La La.

PRESIDENTIAL WIT & WISDOM (click here to buy the book)

(None on the weekends.)

“Above all, tell the truth.” – Grover Cleveland

BIBLE VERSE OF THE DAY

Now when Jesus was born in Bethlehem of Judaea in the days of Herod the king, behold, there came wise men from the east to Jerusalem, saying, Where is he that is born King of the Jews? For we have seen his star in the east, and are come to worship him. –Matthew 2:1-2

Look! The virgin will conceive a child! She will give birth to a son, and they will call him Immanuel, which means ‘God is with us.’ –Matt 1:23, NLT

HEARTLIGHT DAILY VERSE, PRAYER & THOUGHT

(From VerseOfTheDay.com)

And you have forgotten that word of encouragement that addresses you as sons: “My son, do not make light of the Lord’s discipline, and do not lose heart when he rebukes you… — Hebrews 12:5

Thought: When I was young, I always acted as if I hated discipline. It was part of the game. Now that I am older, I am so thankful that my parents loved me enough to discipline me strongly, to guide me lovingly, and encourage me repeatedly. This “discipline and training of God” has given me so many blessings. Now if I can just learn to recognize and appreciate the Lord’s discipline in my life the same way! The lack of love is not hate, but indifference. The opposite of concern is an unwillingness to discipline. Thank God that he loves us and knows us enough to be involved in our lives and discipline us in the direction of heaven.

Prayer: Father in heaven, please help me to recognize your discipline and correction in my life. I want to live for you with an undivided heart, pleasing you in word, thought, and deed. I confess, however, that sometimes my heart is rebellious or my resolve is weak. I thank you for helping me recognize my loss of spiritual direction through your loving discipline. In Jesus’ name I pray. Amen.

The Thoughts and Prayers for Today’s Verse are written by Phil Ware. You can email questions or comments to phil@heartlight.org.

BIRTHDAY VERSE” OF THE DAY (The chapter and verse correspond to the month and day!)

1 Corinthians 12:6 NIV = There are different kinds of working, but the same God works all of them in all men.

TODAY IS WEDNESDAY – DECEMBER 06, 2017

(NOTE: Some holidays may be duplicated due to various calendars reporting conflicting dates)
WEIRD, WACKY, STRANGE, ZANY, ODD, BIZARRE, QUIRKY, UNUSUAL HOLIDAYS!
THERE ARE ONLY
18 SHOPPING DAYS UNTIL CHRISTMAS.

Today is NATIONAL GIVE A SECRET GIFT DAY. They are the best kind.  ***And if you’d like to do that this year and need an address to send something secretly to me, just let me know.

The WORLD’S LARGEST OUTLET SALE is this week Pigeon Forge, Tennessee. ***Like I can’t get a cheap regular-sized electrical outlet at Home Depot?

Today is INTERNATIONAL BAD HAIR DAY. ***Which reminds me, do they still sell Chia Pets?

Today is NATIONAL PAWN BROKERS DAY.  ***Where this Christmas’ hottest gifts can be found!

Today is ST. NICHOLAS DAY & KRIS KRINGLE DAY. In many European countries, St. Nicholas brings fruit, cakes, and gifts to all good little children. The name “Santa Claus” evolved from St. Nicholas via a Dutch dialect form of the name, Sinte Klaas or Sinterklaas. The first church in what would become New York City, built by the Dutch in 1624, was named for Sinterklaas. When it comes to Kris Kringle – turns out that’s not really the other name of St. Nicholas or of Santa Claus. The name Kris Kringle is actually a mishearing of the original German word, “Christkind”, which literally means “Christ Child”! Children used to celebrate the Christ Child coming to bear gifts – but English-speaking visitors misunderstood what the children where excited about and came back with the name Kris Kringle.

Today is MINER’S DAY. ***That’s like coal miners, or gold miners, not minors as in pre-adults. That version of “Minor’s Day” comes Christmas morning when they see what the fat man left under the tree.

TODAY IS ALSO…

Miners’ Day
National Pawnbrokers Day
St. Nicholas Day
World Trick Shot Day
National Christmas Tree Lighting (DC)

COMING UP NEXT (Just a list, we are not endorsing the holidays posted below. Find more holidays and link to their websites at BrownieLocks.com)

THURSDAY, DECEMBER 07

Faux Fur Friday (First Friday)
National Pearl Harbor Remembrance Day
National Salesperson Day (First Friday)
International Civil Aviation Day
National Cotton Candy Day

FRIDAY, DECEMBER 08
Day Of The Horse
Gingerbread Decorating Day (2nd Saturday)
International Shareware Day (2nd Saturday)
National Day of Lard
National Wreaths Across America Day (2nd Saturday)
Pretend To Be A Time Traveler Day

SATURDAY, DECEMBER 09

Cremation Day
International Anti-corruption Day
Weary Willie Day
Worldwide Candle Lighting Day (The 2nd Sunday)
World Choral Day

SUNDAY, DECEMBER 10

Dewey Decimal System Day
Green Monday (2nd Monday)
Human Rights Day
International Animal Rights Day
Jane Addams Day
*Nobel Prize Day

MONDAY, DECEMBER 11

International Mountain Day
Kaleidoscope Day
UNICEF Birthday

TUESDAY, DECEMBER 12

Gingerbread House Day
National 12-hour Fresh Breath Day
National Ding-a-Ling Day
National Cocoa Day
National Lost Day
Our Lady of Guadelupe
Poinsettia Day

WEDNESDAY, DECEMBER 13

Twelve Nightmares of Christmas begins at WeirdDarkness.com

National Day of The Horse
Pick A Pathologist Pal Day

ON THIS DAY

342: Bishop Nicholas of Myra died in Asia Minor. He had established the first known homes for the aged and, after his death, it became known that he also secretly provided dowries for numerous poor brides-to-be. The church and legend transformed him into jolly old Saint Nicholas.

1790: The U.S. Congress moved from New York to Philadelphia. ***Truth be told, New York told them to leave. Don’t think they didn’t count the silverware on their way out.

1877: Edison mechanic John Kruesi completed and demonstrated the first wax cylinder recording machine. Thomas Edison patented it two months later. ***It was was on this day that Edison uttered those immortal words, “Why in the heck doesn’t this thing work. Oh, there it is!”

1883: The debut issue of the “Ladies’ Home Journal” was published.

1884: Construction was completed on the Washington monument. ***Frankly, I still don’t think it looks anything like him.

1923: Calvin Coolidge became the first U.S. President to speak on the radio. ***His first words: “Am I the 9th caller?’

1960: Thomas Monaghan founded Domino’s Pizza.

1968: Elvis Presley and 66,000 other potential administrative office holders received a letter from President Richard Nixon.

1973: House minority leader Gerald R. Ford became the first unelected vice-president of the United States, after the resignation of Spiro T. Agnew. He eventually became president, after the resignation of Richard Nixon. So, he became Vice-president and President without every running for the offices.***Nice work if you can get it.

1988: The U.S. issued a patent (#4,789,233) to Edna Arsenault and George Spector for Eyeglass Wipers, miniature windshield-wiper-like devices that both wash and wipe eyeglasses.

1990: U.S. Vice-President Dan Quayle was inducted into the Little League Museum’s Hall of Excellence.

1995: Vegetarian Linda McCartney, the wife of former Beatle Paul McCartney, paid $4,600 at a London charity auction to save a prize turkey from the dinner table. Traditionally, the champion bird was purchased and served by a restaurant. ***In this situation the turkey was saved by another turkey.

1998: Swiss firefighters had to rescue a 35-year-old doofus who climbed into the famous Bern bear pit and threw snowballs at two bears named Selma and Urs. Selma inflicted significant leg and shoulder damage before the man could be rescued.

2000: A Kazakh man who was electrocuted and buried shocked friends and family by showing up for his own funeral feast. After two days in a shallow grave, the man regained consciousness and rose naked from the ground. Reportedly, he had difficulty flagging down a car to take him home.

2002: Actress Winona Ryder was sentenced to community service for stealing more than $5,500 in merchandise from Saks Fifth Avenue in Beverly Hills, California.

2003: Army became the first team to finish 0-13 in major college history after losing to Navy 34-6. ***Apparently “Army of One” extends to the number of players on the field as well.

TODAY IN CHRISTIAN HISTORY

342: Bishop Nicholas of Myra died in Asia Minor. He had established the first known homes for the aged and, after his death, it became known that he also secretly provided dowries for numerous poor brides-to-be. The church and legend transformed him into jolly old Saint Nicholas.

1787: Cokesbury College, America’s first Methodist institution of higher learning, opens in Abingdon, Maryland.

1925: Death of Russell Conwell, writer of “Acres of Diamonds” and founder of Temple College

1950: Death of Susan Strachen who, with her husband, founded the Latin American Evangelization Campaign, later renamed the Latin American Mission, Inc.

HOLLYWOOD, SPORTS AND CELEBRITY FIGURE BIRTHDAYS

  • Actress (Cliffhanger, “Northern Exposure”) Janine Turner, 55

  • comedian Steven Wright 62

  • Actor (Amadeus, Animal House, Parenthood) Tom Hulce, 64

  • actress (Poltergeist, The Big Chill, Jungle 2 Jungle) JoBeth Williams 69

SOME OF STEVEN WRIGHT’S BEST ONE-LINERS

  • All those who believe in psycho-kinesis raise my hand.

  • The early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.

  • I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met.

  • OK, so what’s the speed of dark?

  • How do you tell when you’re out of invisible ink?

  • If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something.

  • Support bacteria – they’re the only culture some people have.

  • When everything is coming your way, you’re in the wrong lane.

  • Ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy.

  • Hard work pays off in the future. Laziness pays off now.

  • Everyone has a photographic memory. Some just don’t have film.

  • Shin: a device for finding furniture in the dark.

  • Many people quit looking for work when they find a job.

  • I intend to live forever – so far, so good.

  • If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?

  • Eagles may soar, but weasels don’t get sucked into jet engines.

  • Everywhere is walking distance if you have the time.

BEE-BOP BIRTHDAYS

(Music Artist Birthdays From SongFacts.com)

1896 : Ira Gershwin

1920 : Dave Brubeck

1939 : Steve Alaimo

1941 : Helen Cornelius

1942 : Len Barry

1943 : Mike Smith (The Dave Clark Five)

1944 : Jonathan King

1947 : Kim Simmonds (Savoy Brown)

1947 : Miroslav Vitous (Weather Report)

1952 : Randy Rhoads (Quiet Riot)

1955 : Rick Buckler (The Jam)

1956 : Peter Buck (R.E.M.)

1961 : David Lovering (Pixies)

1962 : Ben Watt (Everything But The Girl)

1970 : Ulf Ekberg (Ace Of Base)

SECRETS OF THE UNIVERSE (Answering questions that have plagued mankind for minutes!)

Almost daily we read something in a newspaper or on television, where we’re told that scientists have dated something to be millions or billions of years old. Can these dating methods really be trusted?

First of all most dating methods do not show that rocks are millions or billions of years old. You see, there are many ways scientists can try to age-date things. Actually, most dating methods that scientists use give results far younger than evolutionists need.  All dating methods involve something that changes over time. For instance, radioactive Uranium, over time, changes into a form of lead. Therefore, if scientists assume:

1) they know how much was there at the beginning

2) this rate of change has not been disrupted through time, and

3) there’s been no contamination…

… they can calculate how long this has been happening. This is how they get millions of years. But all of these assumptions have been shown to be invalid.  Not only this, but other dating methods – such as the amount of salt transported into the oceans, or the amount of helium built up in the atmosphere – indicate that the earth can’t be billions or millions of years old.  All dating methods are fallible, but God’s Word, beginning with Genesis, is infallible.

(Edited from Answers in Genesis and Creation Tips)

NEWS KICKERS

(None on weekends. Want a customizable version with your specific station tag, FREE? Email me for more information! )

NEW NEWS KICKERS…

(Not posted on weekends and U.S. holidays.)

Researchers in England recently discovered that playing Tetris for just three minutes can curb hunger urges significantly. “When you get a craving, you imagine what it will look, taste, and smell like,” says study author Jackie Andrade, Ph. D. But highly visual tasks also require these same mental processes and it is difficult for your brain to focus on more than one at a time. So if freshly baked pie is calling you, whip out your phone for a round Of Tetris, Candy Crush Saga, Minecraft – any captivating game will work. ***Wouldn’t playing Candy Crush just put you that much more in the mood for a Snickers?

Los Angeles police have launched a new investigation into director Roman Polanski after 7 more women have come forward about him.  ***Don’t worry, this won’t slow down one bit all of the praise and accolades he receives in Hollywood.

France discovered a large shipment of mushrooms from Russia that contained radiation. ***It’s actually a bonus, because eating them gives you the ability to be your own nightlight.

Facebook has rolled out Messenger Kids, an app that lets the company expand into a so-far untapped market of kids under 13.  ***That’s an untapped market?  The pre-teens are all over Facebook.  In fact, I can’t get them to stop sending me game requests every stinkin’ day.

The world’s longest-lasting rainbow was reported in Taiwan, appearing for more than 9 hours.  ***Obviously one of the leprechauns forgot to turn off the light before going home for the day.

Netflix said Monday the final season of “House of Cards” will start production in 2018 and will not star Kevin Spacey, who is facing a number of allegations of sexual misconduct.  The storyline will likely focus more on the First Lady, played by Robin Wright.  ***It’s rumored she will begin dating a pirate who later we discover was actually a sweet farm boy she has always loved and together they decide to run away together, facing rodents of unusual size, a giant, a great swordsman, and other inconceivable plot points.

NEWS KICKER EVERGREENS…

(Not posted on weekends and U.S. holidays.)

(PERENNIAL) 69% of men say the worst thing about the holiday shopping season is wrapping gifts.  ***Don’t I know it.  I’m tempted to ask my wife to do wrap her own presents and then just act surprised on Christmas morning.

A report says climate change may threaten the world’s coffee supply. ***I’ve not been a believer of global warming and climate change up to now, but this is coffee we’re talking about, and we cannot afford to take any chances!

The average man tells three lies a day, which amounts to 1,092 lies a year. while more honest, the average woman tells her share of fibs, too, uttering lies 728 times a year or about twice a day. ***Of course we man are lying more often – we have to keep saying, “You look fine” with every outfit you try on so we can finally leave the house.

The dating website Beautiful People is set to open a club in Los Angeles which will be open only to good looking people.  ***I’d give you a report of what happens there, but they won’t let me in.

New research from economists at Princeton, the University of Rochester and the University of Chicago says that young men in their late teens and early twenties would rather play video games than get jobs.  ***How is this news?  I’m ___ years old and I’d rather stay home too.  Welcome to the human race, boys.

The more fat you take in, the more food you may consume overall, leading to weight gain, a study from Northwestern University in Evanston, Illinois, reveals. A high-fat diet disrupted the body clock of mice, causing them to eat up a storm when they should have been asleep.  ***Wait a minute… let me see if I understand this.  The more fat you eat, the fatter you get?  Reeeeally?  Gee, who’d a thunk it?

AS THE JUNGLE TURNS

(Not updated on weekends and U.S. holidays.)

CLICK HERE TO DOWNLOAD WEDNEDAY’S EPISODE

CHRISTMAS 08 of 09

OPEN: And now, FancyMonkey.com, (Show Name), and (Station Call Letters) bring you As the Jungle Turns! Last time, Marvy Snuffelson was on Razzleflabbin Island, and he suggested that Karl get his best friend Olaf some race cars for his toy race track. Now Marvy is with Olaf looking for the perfect gift for Karl – bicycle tires! Unfortunately, tires don’t come cheap – and Olaf has no money.

CLOSE: So now there are racing cars with no track to race them on… and bicycle tires with no bike on which to attach them! What kind of Christmas IS this? Find out next time… As the Jungle Turns!

***You may simulcast “As the Jungle Turns” on the Internet stream of your live broadcast only. Any other Internet use of “As the Jungle Turns” in whole or part including podcasting of your live broadcast is a violation of copyright law. Thank you for your cooperation on this vitally important issue. If you have any questions, please e-mail us and ask about “Jungle Jam & Friends the Radio Show” usage.

MOMENT OF DUH
It was an attempt to cheat the bus company that ended up as a Moment of Duh.

Some bus fare dodgers in the United Kingdom, decided to get away with avoiding bus fares by using substitute coins in the fare machine. But what they used as substitute coins qualifies them for today’s Moment of Duh; these inDUHviduals were accidentally giving away a treasure trove of outdated, extremely valuable, foreign coins. For example, two gold half-sovereigns worth about $45 each were found in the collection. In total the rare coins tallied about $7,500.

TOP TEN

MURPHY’S TOP TEN HOUSEHOLD LAWS

10. A child’s eagerness to assist in any project varies in inverse proportion to his/her ability to actually do the work involved.

9. Leftovers always expand to fill all available containers plus one.

8. A newly washed window gathers dirt at twice the speed of an unwashed one.

7. The availability of a ballpoint pen is inversely proportional to how badly it is needed.

6. Garage clutter expands. The same clutter that will fill a one-car garage will, if you move, fill a two-car garage.

5. Three children plus two cookies equals a fight.

4. The potential for disaster is in direct proportion to the number of TV remote-controls divided by the number of viewers.

3. The number of doors left open varies inversely with the outside temperature.

2. The capacity of any water-heater is equal to 1-1/2 sibling showers.

1. The laws of physics dictate that what goes up must come down, except bubble gum and slightly used cereal.

THE FILES OF LAW & DISORDER

A man is arrested for a crime spree that lasted three days… and bungled every single crime he committed! That story and others coming in the files of Law & Disorder!

FILE #1: Police in Jackson, Mississippi have arrested a man for a 3-day series of bungled robberies. The suspect is charged with robbing two banks and a chicken restaurant. Freddie Mason was pushing his luck, considering he wasn’t doing much to disguise himself. At one of the banks, police said a classmate recognized him. At another, he allegedly filled out a credit application during a long wait. During the robbery of the restaurant, one of the witnesses was an old friend of Freddie’s. Mason was arrested when he was spotted walking right by some police officers.

FILE #2: A French parachutist was arrested after he jumped from the third and uppermost floor of the Eiffel Tower around 1 a.m., sailing down to land smoothly near the foot of the tower. He was immediately detained by police. The parachutist, whose identity was not revealed, entered the tower while it was open to the public and hid after closing time. Police have not decided whether to press charges. ***Proposed punishments could include a hefty fine, some jail time, or having the man jump again – this time without a parachute.

FILE #3: A man held up a bank recently while a female companion bought a getaway car from a used lot across the street. Walker Alexander Williams was charged with robbery after police stopped him and the woman two miles away in the newly purchased 1996 white Neon. Cathy Chandler of American Auto Sales said a woman called about 10:30 a.m. asking if any cars were selling for $2,500 or less. Told about the Neon, the woman said to prepare the paperwork. Meanwhile, a robber fled on foot from the Coastal Bank of Georgia after stealing an undisclosed amount of cash. The woman paid for the car with crisp $100 bills as police arrived at the car lot and asked if anyone had seen a man running by. The woman answered no. The officer returned to the lot after a witness described seeing a man matching the robber’s description getting into a white Neon. Chandler told police about the woman who bought the car. Police found the money minus $2,500 on the floorboard of the car in a Styrofoam box.

STRANGE LAW: In Kansas City, KS, saying the name “George Washington” without adding the phrase “blessed be his name,” can land you with a fine of up to fifty cents.

THIS IS YOUR BRAIN ON DRUGS

This Is Your Brain On Drugs” is about people doing dumb things under the influence, but addiction is no laughing matter. If you or someone you know needs help, there’s a toll free number you can call 1-800-438-0380. That’s the Addiction Hope and Help Line at 1-800-438-0380.

Can two people in the same car be arrested for driving drunk?

Police on Long Island say they’ve pulled two drunken drivers from one car. Nassau County officers say they spotted a woman trying to make a three-point turn on a road in East Meadow. They say that when she couldn’t complete the maneuver, she switched places with a male passenger, who took the steering wheel and completed the turn while not wearing a seat belt. Police pulled them over and charged them with drunken driving. As police Commissioner Lawrence Mulvey put it, “We have two individuals arrested for driving the same car intoxicated.”

PHONER PHUN

Did you ever open a Christmas present early without your parents knowing about it? What do you do now to keep the little-ones from doing the same thing? Do you hide gifts in a different place? Change up the name-tags so they don’t know which present goes to which kid? Color-coding of gifts that only Mom and Dad knows? Store the gifts in some other location other than the house?

BIBLE BRAIN BUSTER!

QUESTION: What two psalms are virtually identical?
ANSWER: Psalms 14 and 53  (Biblical scholars do not know why these two psalms are virtually identical. Some think it goes back to the time when Bibles were copied by hand, and an ancient scribe simply wrote it twice. Others believe it wasn’t an error, but rather was intended as a “refrain” to be read aloud by a congregation.)

QUESTION IMPOSSIBLE

QUESTION: What does Charlie Brown’s father do as a profession?

ANSWER: He’s a barber.

TRUE OR FALSE

Pay attention! If our next player doesn’t answer all ten T/F questions correctly we start all over from question #1! First person to answer question #10 correctly is our winner!

1. There are actually 21 islands that make up the Hawaiian Islands. (False… there are 132 islands!)

2. The hamburger is the most popular food ordered in American restaurants. (False… it’s French Fries)

3. The last stall of any public restroom is usually the cleanest. (False… it’s the first stall that is the cleanest, as most people seeking privacy usually skip it and go directly to the last stall – which is usually the dirtiest.)

4. Buffalo can actually jump as high as six feet in the air. (False)

5. The first letter Vanna White ever turned on “Wheel of Fortune” was the letter A. (False… it was the letter “T”)

6. Most dinosaurs were about the size of a large dog. (False. In fact, most dinosaurs were no larger than a chicken!)

7. On average there are about 300 earthquakes in the world each year. (False… believe it or not it’s more like 50,000)

8. Most people in China don’t eat cheese. (True… it’s just not a big thing over there)

9. Recent studies have shown that people perform better on tests if they have a cold. (True… but they don’t know why)

10. The huddle formation used by football teams originated at Gallaudet University, a liberal arts college for deaf people in Washington, D.C., to prevent other schools from reading their sign language. (True)

TABLOID MATCH GAME

You have to match the blank in the tabloid headline with the word or phrase that has been removed!

______ KICKED OUT OF CEMETERY (GHOST)

PARIS – Authorities took the corpse of a woman out of one cemetery and buried it in another – because her screaming ghost was disturbing neighbors!

Only a few days after Yvonne DeLyon, 61, was buried in the first graveyard, complaints began pouring in from people who live nearby. The public outcry continued for six months before officials finally had to take action.

“That woman screamed and wailed all night,” said one resident of the small town of Feurs, France. “It scared us almost to death. The whole reasons my family and I moved here beside the cemetery was because it was quiet and peaceful. But it got so we couldn’t get a decent night’s sleep.”

Accounts from the complaining citizens charge that much of the noise was incoherent ranting. But many of the terrified and outraged townspeople claim they distinctly heard the dead woman nagging and berating her husband, who died three years before her.

One man said he clearly overheard her yelling things like, “Charles, don’t you dare leave that wet towel on the bed,” or “Why don’t we ever go out to dinner?”

Jean Vecque, director and manager of the cemetery, confirms the reports. “I’ve never believed in ghosts,” says the conservative 51 year old. “I’ve been in the business for 19 years and seen hundreds of corpses. But this is the first time I’ve heard one roaring and bellowing from the coffin.”

“At first I thought it was someone playing a practical joke. So I personally investigated it. I stood out by the grave all night. It was enough to scare me to death. I never heard such eerie screeching. And it was definitely coming from the grave.”

One odd sidelight of the case is that Mrs. DeLyon was quiet and retiring when she was alive.

Dr. Yvette Colvert, a noted French parapsychologist who was called in to investigate, says, “This happens occasionally with people who were timid and shy in life. After death, they finally get the courage to stand up for their rights. Then there’s just no stopping them.”

Mrs. DeLyon’s only surviving relative, her son, Jacques DeLyon, tried to fight the town council’s demand to have the body exhumed. “I admit it was disturbing their sleep and frightening their children,” said Mr. DeLyon. “But I paid good money for that plot and she has the right to be laid to rest there.”

But his bid to keep her there was defeated unanimously.

Her body now lies in a rural graveyard, miles from the town, in the French countryside.

THE WAY TOO EARLY IN THE MORNING TO UNDERSTAND THE PUNCHLINE EVEN AFTER TWO CUPS OF COFFEE JOKE OF THE DAY 

JOKE #1

Some years ago an Englishman on a plane to Australia was handed one of these immigration / visitation cards to fill out.

After the standard questions, like name, nationality, passport number, etc., he got to a question that asked, “Have you ever been imprisoned?”

He pondered it for a minute, then wrote down, “I didn’t realize this was still a requirement.”

JOKE #2

Concerned about fitness in my middle 40s, Lisa enrolled in an aerobics class. To her dismay she walked into a room filled with much younger women and decided to combat her nervousness with humor. “I’m here to do my postnatal exercises,” Lisa told the instructor.

The instructor gave her an appraising look. “How old is your baby?”

“Twenty-six,” she replied.

JOKE #3

MEMO TO MY WIFE’S CAT, PATCHES…

  • When I say move, it means go someplace else. It does not mean change position but still remain in my way.

  • The dishes on the floor are yours and contain your food. All other dishes are mine and contain my food. (Please note: placing a paw print in the middle of my dinner does not stake your claim on it, nor do I find it aesthetically pleasing in any way.)

  • The stairs were not designed by NASCAR and are not a racetrack.  Beating me to the bottom is not the object. Tripping me doesn’t help because I fall faster than you can run.

  • For the last time, humans like to use the bathroom alone. If by some miracle I beat you there and manage to get the door shut, it won’t help to claw, meow, or get your paw under the edge and try to pull the door open. (Trust me, I have been using the bathroom for years… feline attendance is not mandatory.)

  • When you see me asleep on the couch, it is not funny to make a sudden leap onto my stomach – no matter how much that makes Robin laugh.

  • My sitting down to bite into a juicy sandwich is not a signal for you to begin gagging loudly and then hocking up the most disgusting hairball in history.

USELESS FACTS

A study released by scientists in Sweden says that certain foods like French Fries can cause cancer. ***Now with every Extra Value Meal you also get a coupon for a free mammogram.

Odd as it may seem, full grown Beluga whales play tag with each other. ***Probably because for whales “Hide and Seek” is completely out of the question.

Staying awake for 18 hours has the same effect on you as drinking 2-3 beers.  ***So stop bugging the people outside of the liquor store, teenagers – you’re already staying awake until 3am with a buzz.

FEATURED FUNNIES

SIX SIX SIX

A friend wrote, “You know you’re a fundamentalist if you refuse any credit card number, bank account number, or phone number which includes three six’s.”  Which, of course, got me thinking.  I read this some years ago from the president of a well-known Bible college:

  • 666 = Mark of the Beast

  • 668 = Neighbor of the Beast

  • IAM666 = License plate of the Beast

  • 1010011 = Binary number of the Beast

  • 665.99 = Retail number of the Beast

  • 644.65 = Wal-Mart number of the Beast

  • Rte 666 = Highway of the Beast

  • 666i = BMW of the Beast

  • Motel 666 = Beast Western

  • 666F = Temperature of Lake of Fire

IT MUST BE TRUE BECAUSE I HEARD IT ON THE RADIO!

WORKOUTS DO MORE FOR YOUR BRAIN THAN CROSSWORDS AND MOZART

Doing puzzles and listening to classical music might improve your concentration momentarily, but they don’t actually make you any smarter. That is, they don’t improve your long-term brain function, according to Nicholas Spitzer, a professor of neuroscience at the University of California and editor-in-chief of BrainFacts.org. In a recent interview (with The Economist) Spitzer said, “Many people think classical music is going to enhance brain function or playing particular games sharpens one’s cognitive function. These theories have been looked at in detail and they don’t stand up.” What does work? Exercise — especially out in the sun.

INSPIRATIONAL INSPIRATION

SOME ADDITIONAL INSPIRATION

The most destructive habit————-worry

The greatest joy———–giving

The greatest loss———self respect

The most satisfying work————-Helping others

The ugliest personality trait———Selfishness

The most endangered species——Dedicated leaders

Our greatest natural resource——-our youth

The greatest “shot in the arm” ———Encouragement

The greatest problem to overcome——-Fear

The Most effective sleeping pill——Peace of mind

The most crippling failure disease——Excuses

The most powerful force in life———Love

The most dangerous outcast——a gossiper

The worlds most incredible computer——-the brain

The worst thing to be without——Hope

The deadliest weapon———the tongue

The two most power-filled words——–I Can

The greatest asset——–Faith

The most worthless emotion———-self pity

The most powerful channel of communication—Prayer

The most beautiful attire——–A smile

The most prized possession—–Integrity

The most contagious spirit—–Enthusiasm

Power is the ability to do good things for others.

Love is doing good things for others.

To the world, YOU may be one person, but to one person, you may be the World.

DRIVE TIME DEVOTIONAL

A health teacher taught his students the importance of washing their hands before eating. He had them take scrapings from their fingers and put them in an environment that fosters the growth of bacteria. A few days later, they looked at the results through a microscope. The students found critters from their fingers that could have made them sick if they had eaten them with their dinner.

Many people who make sure they wash their hands before they eat are careless about a far more serious kind of contamination. They should heed the advice of Isaiah. He showed God’s people the visible evidence of their evil condition. He pointed to their crumbling society and told them it was the result of their moral and spiritual pollution. They had lived for selfish rewards, ignored justice and mercy, and loved material possessions more than people. No wonder Isaiah exhorted them, “Wash yourselves, make yourselves clean” (Isa. 1:16).

Behind Isaiah’s words is the heavenly Father’s love. Because God can see the danger of sin, He points to its visible, physical results. He pleads with us to be as careful with what we take into our hearts and minds as we are with what we put into our mouths.

LEFTOVERS

IS FREEDOM OF RELIGION AN ABSOLUTE?

Can you do anything in this world and get away with just by claiming that your actions are spiritual in nature?  While I’m all for keeping my freedom to worship Christ without retribution or incarceration, does having that right mean that any nut job can claim religious freedom for whatever he or she wants?

In Troy, New York, Sarah Yule was fired as a receptionist at St. Mary’s Hospital because she refused to remove her lip ring at work. Sarah said it was integral to her religion, the Church of Body Modification and insisted that her several piercings are spiritual, giving her control over her body. She declined to accept an alternate job at St. Mary’s, away from public contact and is looking at suing.

In Franklin County, Missouri, Joseph Butts is in jail after being caught with 338 pounds of marijuana in a traffic stop. However, during the stop, Joe informed the arresting officer that hassling him would be considered a “hate crime” because he was a special courier transporting religious instruments between member monasteries of the Church of Cognizance, which uses marijuana as a sacrament.

LIFE… LIVE IT

White bread – it might be adding more bread to your waist’s bread basket.

A study of waist circumference by Tufts University in Boston found that people who eat too much white bread have larger waists than those who eat whole grain bread. They divided test subjects into five categories based on what food was most prominent in their diets: white bread, sweets, alcohol, meat and potatoes, or healthy foods like whole grains. Those who ate the most white bread had the most fat around the middle, even more than those who liked sweets, potatoes or beer.  ***MARLAR: So feel free to have as many Gummy Bears, hash browns, and Cokes as you’d like… just don’t eat them on a bun.

JUST FOR FUN

PUTRID PLANT

Wanna keep dogs and cats away from your yard? One gardener has the answer… it’s a really smelly plant!

A German gardener has invented a plant that stinks so much it discourages cats and dogs from leaving unwanted “gifts” on lawns. The horrible-smelling hybrid, dubbed the “get lost plant” has become popular among people keen to keep feline and canine visitors out of their gardens. Dieter Stegmaier invented the smelly plant by crossing a wild Australian plant and a South American coleus.  Dieter said several million cuttings from the pungent plants have already been ordered.  ***MARLAR: Great idea… but I guarantee you I’d be paying someone else to mow my lawn from now on.

FUN LIST

TOP FIVE WORST CHRISTMAS MOVIES EVER MADE

  • “It’s a Wonderful Life Insurance and Why You Need It”

  • “Snakes on a Sleigh”

  • “Freddy Kruger’s Miracle on Elm Street”

  • “Silent Talladega Night”

  • “Superman Returns Christmas Presents”

MORE SHOW PREP STUFF…

WASH WHERE I CAN HIDE!

An 11-year-old girl thought a washing machine was the perfect place for a game of hide-and-seek recently… that is, until she got stuck inside for over 90 minutes! The girl was playing with her brother and some friends, and she crawled into the machine and got jammed with her legs wrapped around the agitator and her back wedged against the tub. Her mom first called a repairman, who gave up after an hour. Then she called the firefighters, who finally had to cut the kid loose with the Jaws of Life.

OTHER STUFF I WANT TO CRAM INTO TODAY’S PREP

(Not posted on weekends and U.S. holidays.)

(PERENNIAL) Christmas is supposed to be the most wonderful time of the year, right? Then why do I feel more “humbug” than “ho, ho, ho”? If that question from iMom fits where you are right now, they suggest you take their 30 Day Holiday Challenge to add more meaning, memories, and joy to your Christmas season! The 30 days of suggestions include everything from hugging more to reaching out to the left out and forgotten. Access all thirty days at http://bit.ly/11SzSfX

(PERENNIAL) 15 GENIUS GIFT WRAP IDEAS FOR PRETTIER PRESENTS:

Stamp your kids’ gifts with their first initial

Cover the entire top of a gift box in bows.

Accent packages with colorful holiday lights.

Make a gift card more personal by tailoring the wrap to the item.

Put the confetti (or glitter!) on the outside of the box.

A whole bunch of pom-poms look cheery on a wreath,

Fashion recycled bows out of decorative paper

Coordinate your gifts with the tree by tying on miniature baubles in the same color scheme.

Use plain white paper and top packages with candy, tree cuttings and ribbon

Use a flower or pinwheel rather than a bow.

Paint the back of jigsaw puzzles black and paste on present.

Wrap packages in a word search puzzle and cirlce the persons name

Use a burlap bag for hard to wrap items.

Use chalkboard paper and draw your own designs.

(PERENNIAL) What happens when you ask a bunch of kids to tell the story of Christmas?  Enjoy this story of Bethle-ha-ha-ham and the magical star that appeared.  Watch the video at https://darrenmarlar.com?p=20759

A Georgia mom said she was heartbroken when no one showed up at her autistic son’s 7th birthday. When Holden realized none of his classmates showed up to his party, he started crying. So his father did the first thing he could think of – he flagged down a passing fire truck and asked Ware County firefighters if they could stop by the party. The firefighters ended up showing up in a fire truck, along with several EMTs, two ambulances, and several police officers. They brought Holden a fireman’s hat, and a badge. https://twitter.com/NBCNightlyNews/status/936721834954735616/video/1

LeAnn Boudwine has two sons in the military who she would support by sending care packages in the mail. After receiving one of her gifts, however, LeAnn’s sons told her the heartbreaking truth: not everyone serving our country gets care packages.  In fact, many of the men and women who serve don’t get anything at all.  “A lot of soldiers are supporting their families at home and their families are not able to do this,” LeAnn said.  That’s when LeAnn decided to get organized – she got volunteers, neighbors, families and their children, and even veterans to help pack items to send overseas. Now, the mother is ready to send out her 10,000th package – and the latest batch of boxes even have a Christmas theme.  LeAnn has no intention of stopping at 10,000 boxes. In fact, she is still collecting donated items and money for shipping fees on her website.  “I’ll do it for as long as I can,” she said.   Read the rest of the story at: https://darrenmarlar.com?p=20757

Getting your chimney cleaned could be a life saver for your health!  Ah, there is nothing like a fire to warm the heart and damage the lungs. Every log you light up emits a cocktail of chemicals that includes benzene, formaldehyde, fine particulate matter, and polycyclic aromatic hydrocarbons, says Larry Brockman, the EPA’s residential wood smoke team leader. Ideally, all those toxins should go up where Santa comes down. But if the chimney is closed with a tarlike substance called creosote, they could be coming back into your home. That can cause breathing trouble for you and lung inflammation in kids and the elderly. If you have heart disease, your heat attack risk will go up too. Find a certified tech who can inspect your chimney at csia.org. And only burn hardwoods, like beech or oak, that have been kiln-dried or seasoned: more moisture in the wood means more smoke. (Men’s Health)

Nathan Neidigk returned to his classroom earlier this week to find a Christmas miracle waiting for him on his desk – and it was all thanks to his adoring 12th grade students.  The math teacher at Volcano Vista High School in Albuquerque, New Mexico had fallen on hard times earlier this month after his young son was diagnosed with leukemia.  During one of his classes, Neidigk mentioned in passing to his class that he probably wouldn’t be able to afford Christmas presents for his son this year because of the pricey hospital bills.  So, while the single dad spent the week absent from class with his son, his students all pitched in $20 each and bought Neidigk a new Nintendo Switch gaming console, two games, and a case.  The father’s stunned reaction to the gift is bound to melt your heart.  And, more good news: Friends have set up a GoFundMe campaign for the Neidigk family, which has raised $13K of its $30K goal.  Watch the video at http://ow.ly/5gVI30h1rVW

SOUL-GLO

(Feel-good stories! Only posted as new stories come available. Not posted on weekends and U.S. holidays.)

TOTALLY OUTRAGEOUS!

(Only posted as stories come available. Not posted on weekends and U.S. holidays.)

Shirin Gul has been called “Afghanistan’s most notorious woman prisoner.” She’s serving a life sentence for being a serial killer and there is plenty of evidence that indeed she robbed and killed many men. However, her 11-year-old daughter, Meena,-who had nothing to do with any of this-is also serving time behind bars. Writing for the New York Times, Rod Nordland explains that the young Meena’s situation “is extreme, but not unique;” hundreds of children are believed to be behind bars alongside their mothers in the country. Afghanistan’s female prisoners are allowed to keep their children with them until the offspring reach age 18; in many cases, there is no alternative for care. That’s the case with Meena, whom Gul conceived while in prison, ostensibly via a prison guard, with Gul accused of getting pregnant in order to escape her original sentence – death by hanging. After having the child, her sentence was indeed commuted to life. Nordland describes a child who has never stepped foot outside the Nangarhar Provincial Prison in Jalalabad, and likely won’t for another seven years. She appears throughout the article as a sweet and polite foil to her “brash” mother, whom she tells Nordland she will not leave. Gul at one point tells Nordland, “I’ll kill you. I’m going to come over there and take out your eyes.” Meena, next to her, offers a calm “shh.” (New York Times)

AND I LEAVE YOU WITH THIS THOUGHT

My dog is worried about the economy because Alpo is up to 99 cents a can. That’s almost $7.00 in dog money.
–-Joe Weinstein

THE TICKET Movie Reviews with MARIE ASNER

Marie Asner has been reviewing films for over 35 years. Her outlets include radio, print and Internet. For more in-depth movie reviews of the following films, visit www.Tollbooth.org. Ratings from 1 (Low) to 5 (High).

DECEMBER 01, 2017…

The Disaster Artist—James Franco takes on the role of Tommy Wiseau, who directed the film “The Room” (2003) that ended up having cult status among fans because it was not well done. This is what happened to a man who thought the movie could even be Oscar material. The cast includes Ari Graynor, Alison Brie, Seth Rogen, Sharon Stone and Zac Efron. “The Disaster Artist” is rated R. No rating.

Wonder Wheel—Woody Allen has another film ready for the holidays. It is a romance, with complications, as with most of his plots. Woody Allen was born in Brooklyn and familiar with Coney Island. He uses this  to set his story of  “Wonder Wheel” in the 1950’s and many will remember the amusement parks of former times with Ferris wheels and cotton candy.  Four main characters are in the story of people growing apart in a marriage and past family problems coming to the forefront. The characters are  Ginny (Kate Winslet) a waitress. The actress, Kate Winslet is going from being stranded on a mountain in “The Mountain Between Us” to the warm summer in “Wonder Wheel.”  In this film, Ginny is married to Humpty (Jim Belushi) who runs a carousel on Coney Island. Ginny is somewhat bored, but no more, when the new lifeguard (Justin Timberlake) is hired. Ginny starts to flirt, but there is a fly in the ointment. Humpty’s daughter (Juno Temple) comes to visit and stays, and also has an eye on the lifeguard. Justin Timberlake has become an actor and come a long way in refining this craft. What a tangled web. “Wonder Wheel” is rated R. Rating of 2 for Woody Allen fans.

DECEMBER 08, 2017…

All The Money In The World concerns the kidnapping of J. Paul Getty’s grandson. Stars Christopher Plummer who replaced Kevin Spacey.

The Shape Of Water is a science fiction love story with unusual characters. Stars Sally Hawkins and Doug Jones.

Villa Capri is a comedy starring Morgan Freeman and Tommy Lee Jones referring to who is the most popular man in their retirement home.

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