December 07, 2016: Wednesday ONAIRprep

***DAILY DOSE OF WEIRD NEWS – FREE TO AIR! (Need to receive this earlier than when it’s posted? Get FTP access and receive a fully-produced version FREE with a customized tag specifically for your station or show! Contact me with your ONAIRprep username for details!)

AND NOW… ON WITH THE SHOW!

PRINTER FRIENDLY VERSION: 20161207

WELCOME TO THE SHOW!

Here at (THE JOCK SHOW), we believe there is a fine line between comedy and bad taste. For an example, keep listening!

BIBLE VERSE OF THE DAY

“O Lord, our Lord, how majestic is your name in all the earth!” –Psalm 8:1

So Joseph went up from the town of Nazareth in Galilee to Judea, to Bethlehem the town of David, because he belonged to the house and line of David. He went there to register with Mary, who was pledged to be married to him and was expecting a child. –Luke 2:4-5

Give thanks to the Lord, for he is good. His love endures forever. Give thanks to the God of heaven. His love endures forever. — Psalm 136:1 and 26

HEARTLIGHT DAILY VERSE, PRAYER & THOUGHT

(From VerseOfTheDay.com)

The memory of the righteous will be a blessing, but the name of the wicked will rot. — Proverbs 10:7

Thought: Each of us is creating a legacy. The influence of our lives will leave an imprint on all those the Lord has brought into our lives for us to touch. This proverb reminds us that our legacy will live far beyond us. If our lives are righteous, that legacy will be an ongoing blessing as stories of our lives are passed on to future generations. On the other hand, if our lives have been given over to wickedness, we will leave behind the lingering stench of something useful gone sour and something lasting given over to rot.

Prayer: O mighty God, may my life be a sweet blessing to my children and my children’s children — whether those children are physical or spiritual. May my influence bring you glory and also bring others to know you and your grace. Forgive me when I fail to see the length of the shadow my influence casts and help me to see those you have purposely sent my way to touch with your grace. In Jesus’ name I pray. Amen.

The Thoughts and Prayers for Today’s Verse are written by Phil Ware. You can email questions or comments to phil@heartlight.org.

BIRTHDAY VERSE” OF THE DAY (The chapter and verse corresponds to the month and the day!)

Luke 12:7 NIV = Indeed, the very hairs of your head are all numbered. Don’t be afraid; you are worth more than many sparrows.

TODAY IS WEDNESDAY – DECEMBER 07, 2016

(NOTE: Some holidays may be duplicated due to various calendars reporting conflicting dates)
WEIRD, WACKY, STRANGE, ZANY, ODD, BIZARRE, QUIRKY, UNUSUAL HOLIDAYS!
THERE ARE ONLY
18 SHOPPING DAYS UNTIL CHRISTMAS.

Today is LETTER WRITING DAY. ***And today’s letter is “K”.

REFRIGERATOR DAY. On this day in 1926 Electrolux Servel patented the first household refrigerator. It was powered by natural gas. ***It was quickly followed by other things in the home being powered by gas, like the stove, the oven, your dad…

Today is NATIONAL COTTON CANDY DAY. ***I’m not sure I understand the origins of this food. It’s as if a guy was cleaning ears with a Q-Tip and thought, “Hmm – I wonder if I could make this edible.”

TODAY IS ALSO…

National Pearl Harbor Remembrance Day
International Civil Aviation Day
Special Kids Day

COMING UP NEXT (Just a list, we are not endorsing the holidays posted below.)

THURSDAY, DECEMBER 08

Pretend To Be A Time Traveler Day

FRIDAY, DECEMBER 09

Cremation Day
International Anti-corruption Day
Official Lost & Found Day
Weary Willie Day

SATURDAY, DECEMBER 10

Day Of The Horse
Dewey Decimal System Day
Gingerbread Decorating Day
Human Rights Day
International Shareware Day
Jane Addams Day
National Wreaths Across America Day
Nobel Prize Day

SUNDAY, DECEMBER 11

International Mountain Day
Mawlid Al Nabi
UNICEF Birthday
Worldwide Candle Lighting Day (The Compassionate Friends)
World Choral Day

MONDAY, DECEMBER 12

Gingerbread House Day
Green Monday
National 12-hour Fresh Breath Day
National Cocoa Day  Link
National Lost Day Link
Our Lady of Guadelupe Link
Poinsettia Day

TUESDAY, DECEMBER 13

Pick A Pathologist Pal Day Link

WEDNESDAY, DECEMBER 14

Monkey Day Link or Link
Yoga Day Link

ON THIS DAY

1926: Electrolux Servel patented the first household refrigerator. It was powered by natural gas.

1941: The fictional TV radio station WKRP In Cincinnati supposedly first signed on the air just as Pearl Harbor was being bombed.

1963: During the Army-Navy game, videotaped instant replay was used for the first time in a live sports telecast as CBS re-showed a one-yard touchdown run by Army quarterback Rollie Stichweh. Navy won 21-15.

1968: History’s most overdue library book, Dr. J. Currie’s Febrile Diseases, was returned to the University of Cincinnati Medical Library. It had been checked out 145 years earlier by Mr. M. Dodd and was returned by his great-grandson, Richard Dodd. The fine, estimated at $2,264, was waived.

1973: Dr. Ronald Alkana of the University of California at Irvine set the world banana eating record by downing 17 4.5-ounce bananas in two minutes.

1980: The Chicago Bears scored nine touchdowns to embarrass Green Bay 61-7.

1982: Convicted 40-year-old Texas murderer Charlie Brooks became the first American to be executed by lethal injection.

1984: Michael Jackson testified in Chicago that he wrote the song “The Girl is Mine,” not an Illinois man who claimed the song. Jackson won the case.

1988: Just after midnight in Hendersonville, Tennessee, singer Roy Orbison died from a heart attack at age 52. His hits: “Oh Pretty Woman,” “Running Scared,” “Crying,” and “Only the Lonely.

1998: Officials of Madame Toussaud’s traveling wax museum in Sydney, Australia, finally sewed the zipper up on U.S. President Bill Clinton’s pants because visitors kept unzipping it.

2000: The Plain English Campaign gave its annual “Foot in Mouth” bafflement award to actress Alicia Silverstone who said, “I think that the film ‘Clueless’ was very deep. I think it was deep in the way that it was very light. I think lightness has to come from a very deep place if it’s true lightness.” ***Sounds like she was typecast from reality.

2003: A 12 by 26-inch painting of a river and sailing vessel by Martin Johnson Heade was sold at auction for $1 million. The painting had been found in the attic of a suburban Boston home where it was stored for over 60 years.

2004: Singer Jerry Scoggins died at age 93. He sang “The Ballad of Jed Clampett,” the theme song on “The Beverly Hillbillies.” (audio clip)

2010: Folks in Fort Lauderdale had a record low of 42 degrees – breaking a record that had been in place for 169 years according to the National Weather Service in Miami.  ***Floridians were so panicked they took to the streets with aerosol cans and left their cars running in the hopes of initiating Global Warming.

TODAY IN CHRISTIAN HISTORY

(None today)

HOLLYWOOD, SPORTS AND CELEBRITY FIGURE BIRTHDAYS

  • Actor (Soul Man, Red Dawn, E.T.) C. Thomas Howell, 50

  • Announcer (“Tonight Show” with Jay Leno) Edd Hall, 58

  • actress (The Visitation, Terri on “Three’s Company”) Priscilla Barnes 61 (audio clip)

  • Actress (Divine Secrets of the Ya-Ya Sisterhood) Ellen Burstyn, 84

BEE-BOP BIRTHDAYS

(Music Artist Birthdays From SongFacts.com)

1911 : Louis Prima

1924 : Boyd Bennett

1924 : Bent Fabric

1931 : Bobby Osborne (The Osborne Brothers)

1940 : Carole Simpson

1942 : Harry Chapin

1947 : Gregg Allman (The Allman Brothers Band)

1949 : Tom Waits

1958 : Tim Butler (The Psychedelic Furs)

1963 : Barbara Weathers (Atlantic Starr)

1974 : Nicole Appleton (All Saints)

1979 : Sara Bareilles

1987 : Aaron Carter

SECRETS OF THE UNIVERSE

What road are middle-of-the-road moderates traveling?

Middle-of-the-road could mean a place of political safety, where one can avoid the extremes. But as more than one political figure has observed, standing in the middle of any road can also get you run over.  The expression originated in 19th century America, when roads were an adventure. They were unpaved, often paths that graduated into roads simply from frequent use. The constant passing and wearing of wagon wheels on the roads ground ruts into the sides, making the middle of the road the highest point. After it rained, water collected in the ruts and walking in the middle was how you kept your feet dry. In the 1890s, by analogy, middle-of-the-road became a metaphor for avoiding the extremes.  Say, if they ever have a political rodeo, how about an event in which contestants throw their hat in the ring from the middle-of-the-road while toeing the party line. That’s in addition to bull throwing, of course.

(Edited from Tricky Trivia)

CHRISTIAN ARTIST NEWS

This is just a tiny sample of the 5-6 pages of material you could be receiving three days a week from ChristianRadioShowPrepServices.com!

Natalie Grant was live on Facebook over the weekend to give a tour of her bus. Natalie says she talked about false eyelashes, essential oils and other super important tips. Check out the tour video at https://www.facebook.com/nataliegrantmusic/videos/10154702860235421/

Milo wants only one thing for Christmas, his mother. Matthew West dressed up like santa over the weekend and posted a picture as he held the young son of Love and the Outcome members Chris and Jodi. Matthew says that, when he asked: “Milo, what would you like for Christmas?”, Milo’s one word answer was “Mommy!!” 

https://www.instagram.com/p/BNirZ91DrNv/

After more than 11 years of touring together, the band Among The Thirsty is calling it quits. Members of the band posted over the weekend: Chapters close in order for new chapters to begin. Pray for us as we all begin new chapters! In an open letter to their fans, the band thanked everyone for their support and announced: The time has come for Among the Thirsty to come to an end.

https://twitter.com/AmongTheThirsty/status/804713853036666881/photo/1

The band All Sons and Daughters is auctioning some of their personal items to raise money for the Hands and Feet Project. Online you can bid on a variety of times ranging from autographed copies of their music to guitars played by members of the band. 

http://www.biddingowl.com/Auction/index.cfm?auctionID=9793

You have the chance to see Mandisa and Steven Curtis Chapman on stage together for a Christmas special later this month. Mandisa posted that she and Steven recorded the special at the Lakewood Church this week. It will begin airing on TBN on December the 18th.

https://twitter.com/mandisaofficial/status/804062495291875328/video/1

Third Day frontman Mac Powell was trying out a brand new guitar as he prepared for his December Christmas tour. Mac shared a picture as he played a Mickey Mouse guitar he’d been given this year for Christmas from Crowder. They will be touring together throughout December.

https://www.instagram.com/p/BNbt38SDjVI/

Jamie Grace was in Minnesota for a concert on her 25th birthday and the sponsors of the concert made sure that she knew she was loved. She posted a picture with all of the birthday gift she had received that night, including a custom Jamie Grace Show onesie embossed With The name of her show.

https://www.instagram.com/p/BNa8nONhruc/

Danny Gokey says he wrote the Christmas song “Lift Up Your Eyes” to expresses the exhilaration of what it must have been like to see the angelic choir fill the skies.

Blanca is dealing with the loss of her mom over the weekend. Her mother, who had been sick for quite awhile, pasted away this past Friday. Blanca shared on instagram: No words can begin to describe the pain and the emptiness that my heart feels. She was one of a kind… the pillar that held my family together. You were a fighter, and you gave it your all. But now the battle is over. No more pain, no more suffering. You’re finally free. Until we meet again… RIP. 

https://www.instagram.com/p/BNhwkashjgQ/

Natalie Grant continues to deal with health issues due to a ruptured disc in her neck. She posted over the weekend: This traction machine is my new normal. She added: I’m sleeping about 2 hrs a night max, every time I sing pain shoots through my neck, and it’s really affecting the quality of my voice as well. I appreciate your prayers.

https://www.instagram.com/p/BNfhOFRheZo/

NEWS KICKERS

(No news on the weekends. As on ONAIRprep subscriber, you can get a fully-produced, customized version of the Daily Dose of Weird News FREE with a station or show specific tag! Email darren@onairprep.com for details!)

NEW NEWS KICKERS…

62% of people would be unwilling to become a vegetarian if their partner asked them to.  ***The remaining 38% are what we call “pansies” 

In Payson, Utah, Cecelia Rivas was shopping at her local Walmart when she suddenly went into labor. As she approached Register 11, dropped to her knees, clutched her stomach, and … pulled out her wallet. She absolutely insisted on paying for her items until she moved on to her next priority – having the baby right there in the store. Walmart manager Dustin Haight said, “We weren’t really interested in taking her money at [that] point, but she insisted.” He called 911 and implored her not to worry about the tab but she paid and then had the baby. As soon as she paid, employees and customers sprang into action, with some hunting down towels and blankets while others held sheets up to give her privacy. By the time the EMTs had arrived, she had a baby boy. ***It’s a good thing she paid before giving birth, because she was in the “Ten Items or Less” lane and she was already at her limit. 

Colin Kaepernick set an NFL record on Sunday and not the kind you’d like: he passed for 4 yards but was hit with 5 sacks. More sacks than yards. The new low bar.  ***In fact, he spent more time on the ground during the game than during the National Anthem before the game. 

Jimmy Kimmel has been chosen to host the 2017 Oscars.  ***And he’ll begin the night by asking all of the celebrity parents in the audience to film themselves taking away their kids Halloween candy. 

Here’s another excuse to eat chocolate. Chocolate could be your liver’s best friend. In a European study, people who ate three and a half ounces of chocolate a day had lower levels of an enzyme that’s often elevated due to liver disease than people who ate less. The scientists think chocolate’s anti-inflammatory properties may protect liver cells. (Men’s Health) ***Wouldn’t it be awesome if the treatment for liver failure was to eat all of your (Halloween/Christmas/Easter) candy in one sitting?

The Rolling Stones’ new blues album took just three days to record.  ***When you’re that old and keel over at any moment, time is of the essence. 

A Muslim-owned restaurant in London is offering a three-course meal to homeless and elderly people on Christmas Day. The reason is simple and sweet: so that “no one eats alone”. The Shish Restaurant has put up posters saying, “We are here to sit with you” on Christmas day. ***Nothing funny about that story… just a little moment of awesome. 

In South Carolina, a dog named Boo Boo owes its life to a quick-acting hotel manager! Boo Boo was on a leash when its owner got onto an elevator at The Roadway Inn, but the elevator’s doors closed with Boo Boo still in the hallway. With the elevator pulling on the leash, it looked like Boo Boo had a “gruesome fate in store.” Then Ben Duke sprung into action. Boo Boo was being pulled into the air as Duke struggled with the leash. He finally snapped it with his hands saying later, “I guess adrenaline set in or something.” Of course Boo Boo’s owner was extremely grateful for Duke’s actions, and accolades are pouring in after Duke put video of the incident online. He says, “Everybody is calling me a hero, but I can’t imagine the other outcome. I just did what you are supposed to do in this situation.” (WYFF)  ***Good story, glad the dog is alright, but there’s video footage of this?  Does that mean that instead of trying to help the poor dog, some doofus decided it was a great time to bring out the camera phone and watch the potential gruesomeness as it unfolded?  What the on Earth is wrong with people?!?! (Actually it’s a security camera: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OldIFx6Le9M)

NEWS KICKER EVERGREENS…

An Orthodontist in Ohio is recently counted down some of the best and worst holiday foods for your teeth. According to Hutta & Hutta Orthodontics, first on the naughty list is Candy Canes! If you suck on them, you are getting a longer exposure to sugar that could increase your risk of cavities. If you crunch on them, they get lodged in your teeth and can even cause tooth fractures.  ***I can only assume this guy is green and has a heart two sizes too small.

Boys are easier to raise than girls, right? That’s what over half of us start out thinking, at least. A new survey discovered more than half of American couples want their first child to be a boy because they are (quote) “less hard work.” Only 21% have their heart set on a daughter. 32% have no preference.  ***Actually, my wife and I have discovered the easiest route… a Chia Pet.

One in three Americans are constantly worried about… money. A recent survey found we are still feeling nervous from the recent recession and housing crisis. We are in constant fear of losing what we have today. More people are worried about finances than death or losing a family member. Our main worries when it comes to money is living paycheck-to-paycheck and falling into serious debt.  ***I’m already in serious debt and living paycheck-to-paycheck… so I don’t have to worry anymore.

If you love pancakes and you love beer, then you need beer syrup from the Beer Syrup Company in Louisville, Kentucky. Creator Russ Meredith says his syrups maintain a malty, sweet flavor that gives the impression of beer without being overwhelmed by it.  ***Seeing as when you’re drunk at four in the morning you’re typically looking for pancakes, this is a pretty ingenious marketing move.

WONDER WOMAN (This feature will be disappearing in 2017)

CLICK HERE TO DOWNLOAD TODAY’S EPISODE… “Second Hand”

DAILY COMEDY CLIP (This feature will be disappearing in 2017)

CLICK HERE TO DOWNLOAD TODAY’S EPISODE… Cecile Kaiser, “Phone On The Throne”

AS THE JUNGLE TURNS – WEEKDAY VERSION

CLICK HERE TO DOWNLOAD WEDNESDAY’S EPISODE

OPEN: And now, FancyMonkey.com, (Show Name), and (Station Call Letters) bring you As the Jungle Turns!

Last time, Millard the Monkey – driven to the edge of madness for not being able to do anything better than Mozart (Steve Mozart, that is) – decided he’d had enough. He charted a flight with Jean Claude the flying squirrel’s plane to leave the jungle for places unknown…

CLOSE: Well, if Millard’s envy, jealousy, and hatred of Mozart doesn’t kill him, Jean Claude’s flying very well may! Where in the world can Millard relocate to get away from Steve Mozart? Tune in again next time, As the Jungle Turns!

AS THE JUNGLE TURNS – SATURDAY/SUNDAY VERSION (This feature will be disappearing in 2017)

CLICK HERE TO DOWNLOAD THE EPISODE FOR THE WEEKEND OF DECEMBER 10/11

OPEN: And now, FancyMonkey.com, (Show Name), and (Station Call Letters) bring you As the Jungle Turns! Last time, Gruffy was dead, Millard was dead, Racquet was dead… everyone was dead except Nozzles and Sully! Wait a minute… never mind, that’s the wrong script. Ah, here we go… last time the animals found the source of some giant footprints… a giant gorilla!

CLOSE: Alright – I’m with Millard on this one. Forget the whole friend thing, I’d stay in that cave… just to be safe. We’ll find out what the rest of the animals do, next time… As the Jungle Turns!

***You may simulcast “As the Jungle Turns” on the Internet stream of your live broadcast only. Any other Internet use of “As the Jungle Turns” in whole or part including podcasting of your live broadcast is a violation of copyright law. Thank you for your cooperation on this vitally important issue. If you have any questions, please e-mail us and ask about “Jungle Jam & Friends the Radio Show” usage.

MOMENT OF DUH

‘Tis the season to have folly.

Balducci’s Deli in New York City decided to celebrate the holidays with a sale on ham. They even put a sign in their window saying the ham was perfect for Chanukah. Yes, they were about the only ones who didn’t catch on, but they were eventually clued in and replaced the signs to say “Perfect for the Holidays!”

TOP TEN

TOP TEN USES FOR FRUITCAKES

  • Paint a few white and place them outside on the grass so people won’t park on your lawn.

  • Use it as building material. (This is actually what the Ancient Egyptians used to build the Great Pyramids.)

  • Keep one under your pillow for home defense.

  • Send one to the junk mail company with a note asking them to take you off their list.

  • It’s colorful, use it as a Yule Log.

  • Carve the Presidents’ faces in it and submit as a science or art project.

  • Give one to your boss and tell him it’s a life preserver.

  • Use it as a base for flower arrangements.

  • Donate to the local airport for use as airliner wheel blocks.

  • Grind a few up and give it back to your in-laws in a bag marked “lawn fertilizer.”

THE FILES OF LAW & DISORDER

An elderly man defeats a would-be burglar!

FILE #1: Your home burglary career isn’t bound to be too promising when an 83-year-old man connected to an oxygen tank gets the drop on you. Two knife-wielding would-be robbers forced their way into the home of 83-year-old Harry Carpenter and his wife, Jackie, while they were having dinner. One of them made Harry have a seat while the other went with 80-year-old Jackie to get money from her bedroom. When Jackie pretended to faint, the intruder who was holding Harry went into the other room to see what was happening. That allowed Harry to go to the laundry room and grab his unloaded squirrel rifle. When they returned, they found themselves looking down the barrel of Harry’s rifle and fled without any money.

FILE #2: 43-year-old David Dascher, of Ohio, was arrested for DUI.  He was driving his lawnmower with an open can of beer while intoxicated.

FILE #3: Brazil’s Dutra Ladeira prison has become famous for its pizza. Little Tutu pizzeria and bakery, run by convict Thenys Chagas Pereira, a former drug runner, sells pizzas to prisoners and guards, and even delivers to local neighborhoods. ***MARLAR: Delivered to you in 3-5 years… or less, for good behavior!

STRANGE LAW: There’s a law in the state of New Hampshire against pawning the clothes off your back. ***If you could, you’d leave the pawnshop naked.

THIS IS YOUR BRAIN ON DRUGS

Drugs and jury duty don’t mix – but that’s not a good reason to try and get out of serving on a jury!

A man made a mockery of the justice system when he tried to get removed from a jury pool in a death penalty case by claiming he is a heroin addict and a killer. Benjamin Ratliffe, of Columbus, Ohio, was charged with contempt of court and obstruction of justice and ordered to spend a night in jail. Ratliffe filled out a questionnaire form for potential jurors and professed to having a “bad jonesin’ for heroin.” When asked if he had ever fired a weapon, he wrote, “Yes. I killed someone with it, of course.”

PHONER PHUN

Robin and I were at dinner the other night at a fast food restaurant and we couldn’t believe our eyes. We’re not sure if we’re just being snobby, but, do you think that it’s appropriate for a couple with a young baby to change its diaper on top of a table? What else should parents not do to/with their kids in public? What else do other parents do in front of others that irritates you?

BIBLE BRAIN BUSTER!

QUESTION: From which son of Noah was Abram (later Abraham) descended?
ANSWER: Shem (Read Genesis 10 and 11 for the whole family tree. The word Semitic comes from his name.)

QUESTION IMPOSSIBLE

QUESTION: Where is the world’s largest McDonald’s located?

ANSWER: I-44 in Vinita, Oklahoma. It goes from one side of the interstate to the other, passing over the interstate.

TRUE OR FALSE

Pay attention! If our next player doesn’t answer all ten T/F questions correctly we start all over from question #1! First person to answer question #10 correctly is our winner!

1. In Britain, instead of keeping your car jack in the trunk, you keep it in your boot. (TRUE – what we call a car’s “trunk”, they call a “boot”. Same part of the car though.)

2. In the 1982 film classic “E.T.: The Extra-Terrestrial,” the lovable alien got drunk on Diet Coke. (FALSE – it was a six-pack of Coors beer)

3. The American ruby and the Cape ruby are not really rubies. (TRUE – they’re actually red varieties of Garnet.)

4. In stamp collecting, “Cinderellas” are stamps with ridges. (FALSE – they are stamp-like seals or stickers that have no postal validity whatsoever. They include seals issued by charities and revenue stamps issued by governments.)

5. Your body creates and kills 17 million red blood cells per minute. (FALSE – it’s actually 17 million per second)

6. President Abraham Lincoln’s shoe size was 14. (TRUE)

7. Austin, Texas was originally named Waterloo. (TRUE – the site settled in the 1830s, was picked as the capital of the Republic of Texas in 1839 and renamed in honor of Stephen Austin.)

8. As a group, spiders have seven different types of glands to produce a web-making fiber called “Cotton.” (FALSE – it’s called “silk”)

9. The Mississippi River actually flowed backwards once. (TRUE – on December 16, 1811. An earthquake caused it the temporary reverse-flow.)

10. The movies “The Terminator,” “The Abyss” and the “Titanic” were all directed by James Cameron. (TRUE)

TABLOID MATCH GAME

You have to match the blank in the tabloid headline with the word or phrase that has been removed!

GERMANS TO RELEASE ______ FILES (UFO)

BERLIN  Germany – The Administrative Court of Berlin had ordered  the German parliament to release all its UFO files.

The “Deutsche Bundestag” was ordered to give access to secret official reports compiled by the “Scientific Research Service of the German parliament” on demand of delegates on the question on the government’s knowledge and studies about UFOs and extraterrestrial life.

The German parliament has already appealed the decision – and is trying to block all attempts at releasing the UFO files.  But the Berlin court is confident that the files will be released.

THE WAY TOO EARLY IN THE MORNING TO UNDERSTAND THE PUNCHLINE EVEN AFTER TWO CUPS OF COFFEE JOKE OF THE DAY 

JOKE #1

EMAIL FROM LISTENER: OK, I’ve heard the jokes on my way to work the past couple of days, and have to share my own favorite groaner:

***A minister, a nun, and a rabbi walk into a bar and the bartender says, “Is this a joke?”***

Have a great day! I don’t know what I would do without you guys in the morning! My two youngest sons (Sam 14 and Mike 12) listen to you too. Thanks for giving us something good to share! —Joanna Sherman

JOKE #2

A minister and lawyer were chatting at a party: “What do you do if you make a mistake on a case?” the minister asked.

“Try to fix it if it’s big; ignore it if it’s insignificant,” replied the lawyer. “What do you do?” The lawyer replied.

“Oh, more or less the same. Let me give you an example. The other day I meant to say ‘the devil is the father of liars,’ but instead I said ‘the devil is the father of lawyers,’ so I let it go.”

JOKE #3

One afternoon a man came home from work to find total mayhem in his house. His three children were outside, still in their pajamas, playing in the mud, with empty food boxes and wrappers strewn all around the front yard.

The door of his wife’s car was open, as was the front door to the house. Proceeding into the entry, he found an even bigger mess. A lamp had been knocked over, and the throw rug was wadded against one wall. In the front room the TV was loudly blaring a cartoon channel, and the family room was strewn with toys and various items of clothing.

In the kitchen, dishes filled the sink, breakfast food was spilled on the counter, dog food was spilled on the floor, a broken glass lay under the table, and a small pile of sand was spread by the back door.

He quickly headed up the stairs, stepping over toys and more piles of clothes, looking for his wife. He was worried she may be ill, or that something serious had happened.

He found her lounging in the bedroom, still curled in the bed in her pajamas, reading a novel. She looked up at him, smiled, and asked how his day went.

He looked at her bewildered and asked, “What happened here today?”

She again smiled and answered, “You know every day when you come home from work and you ask me what in the world did I do today?”

“Yes” was his incredulous reply.

She answered, “Well, today I didn’t do it.”

USELESS FACTS

97% of the world’s water is in the ocean. ***I’m holding the remaining 3% as water weight.

A recent study has found that women that suffer from depression live longer than women that don’t. ***In other words, you’re going to be miserable… even longer.  What a nice thought.

Over 350 million people suffer from FAD (Facebook Addiction Disorder).  ***So anyone saying Facebook is just a “fad” may actually be really sick.

FEATURED FUNNIES

TOUR GUIDE TERMINOLOGY………..TRANSLATION
Old world charm = No bath
Tropical = Rainy
Majestic setting = A long way from town
Options galore = Nothing is included in the itinerary
Secluded hideaway = Impossible to find or get to
Pre-registered rooms = Already occupied
Explore on your own = Pay for it yourself
Knowledgeable trip hosts = They’ve flown in an airplane before
No extra fees = No extras
Nominal fee = Outrageous charge
Standard = Sub-standard
Deluxe = Standard
Superior = One free shower cap
All the amenities = Two free shower caps
Plush = Top and bottom sheets
Gentle breezes = Occasional Gale-force winds
Light and airy = No air conditioning
Picturesque = Theme park nearby

IT MUST BE TRUE BECAUSE I HEARD IT ON THE RADIO!

DOUGHNUT RUN

Police in Albuquerque, New Mexico use the police helicopter to make a doughnut run!

Albuquerque police have taken doughnut runs to new heights, swooping down in a police helicopter for a late-night snack. “I don’t know how they decided that was a good idea,” the department’s spokesman said. The Albuquerque Police Department has two helicopters for routine night patrols, and the spokesman said it costs about $80 an hour to keep one of the Kiowa copters flying. ***MARLAR: C’mon, we’re talking KRISPY KREME here!  What’s wrong with that?

INSPIRATIONAL INSPIRATION

EERIE STORY “Perception”

A young man who had been raised as an atheist was training to be an Olympic diver. The only religious influence in his life came from his outspoken religious friend. The young diver never really paid much attention to his friend’s sermons, but he heard them often enough.

One night, the diver went to the indoor pool at the college he attended. The lights were all off, but as the pool had big skylights and the moon was bright, there was plenty of light to practice by.

The young man climbed up to the highest diving board and as he turned his back to the pool on the edge of the board and extended his arms out, he saw his shadow on the wall.

The shadow of his body was in the shape of a cross. Instead of diving, he knelt down and asked Jesus to come into his life. As the young man stood, a maintenance man walked in and turned the lights on.

The pool had been drained for repairs.

DRIVE TIME DEVOTIONAL

THE RIGHT SIGNAL

When Jesus went out He saw a great multitude; and He was moved with compassion for them. —Matthew 14:14

It was a tragic mistake. On July 3, 1988, the guided-missile cruiser USS Vincennes shot down an Iranian airliner with 290 souls aboard. All were lost. The ship’s captain mistakenly thought they were under attack by an F-14 Iranian fighter.

Public opinion polls showed that most Americans opposed paying compensation to the victims’ families. The cruel treatment of American hostages in Iran was still fresh in many minds. But President Reagan approved compensation. Asked by reporters if such payment would send the wrong signal, he replied, “I don’t ever find compassion a bad precedent.”

The principle of revenge is so much simpler to practice. Yet compassion is Christ’s way—a deep caring for the physical, emotional, and spiritual needs of the whole person. It reveals the heart of God for sinful people—for you and for me.

The feeding of the 5,000 was a miracle born out of compassion. Jesus was moved by the physical and spiritual needs of the people (Matthew 14:14; Mark 6:34). He was not content just to teach them and then send them on their way.

As Christians, we must look at the whole person through the eyes of Jesus. Being moved by compassion always sends the right signal. —Dennis De Haan

Give me a heart sympathetic and tender,
Jesus, like Thine, Jesus, like Thine;
Touched by the needs that are surging around me,
And filled with compassion divine. —Anon.

Compassion is love in action.

LEFTOVERS

STUCK ON YOU

They call him the human magnet, and he’s pulled a car 20 meters using nothing but the magnetism in his body!

A Malaysian man claims to have pulled a car 20 meters using only magnetic forces inside his body. The pensioner, dubbed The Magnetic Man, says he used an iron chain hooked on an iron plate, which was placed by his stomach to move the vehicle. He says he discovered he had a magnetic body about 10 years ago after reading an article about a Taiwanese family with the same skill. Liew Thow Lin says it’s the first time he’s tried to pull a vehicle, and has plans to be recorded in the Malaysian Book of Records and also the Guinness Book of World Records. The 70-year-old says, “I took several iron objects and put them at my abdomen. To my surprise, all the objects including an iron, stuck on my skin and did not fall down.” He says the gift is also present in three of his sons and two grandchildren.

LIFE… LIVE IT

HEALTHY HOLIDAY FOODS

  • Pumpkin — A remarkably healthy ingredient, providing 3-1/2 times the recommended daily allowance of vitamin A and a lot of fiber per half-cup serving. Pureed pumpkin lends itself to healthy cooking.

  • Roast Turkey — Serve up three ounces of skinless turkey breast and you get 20 grams of protein with practically no fat. Plus you fill 25 percent of your daily need for niacin and vitamin B6.

  • Sweet Potatoes — Ounce for ounce, they have as much beta-carotene as carrots.

  • Cranberry Relish — There’s a substance in cranberries that helps prevent urinary tract infections by interfering with the ability of bacteria to adhere to cell membranes. Cranberries also contain a potentially cancer-preventing compound called ellagic acid.

  • Potatoes — They contain loads of vitamin C and potassium, plus fiber, iron, copper and plenty of B vitamins. To help preserve the vitamin C content, use some of the cooking water instead of milk or cream when mashing them.

  • Figgy Pudding — Figs help make the pudding a nutritional gold mine. They are a good source of potassium, calcium, magnesium and niacin, plus they have a natural laxative effect.

  • Eggnog — Choose only the low-fat variety and enjoy a holiday tradition while getting a good amount of protein and some calcium.

JUST FOR FUN

MAYBE THEY’LL GIVE YOU A SPEEDY ANSWER

State troopers in Montana are now required to pull over one vehicle an hour, whether or not the driver is doing anything wrong…

… as a way to cut down on accidents and drunk driving.  The trooper is not required to ticket the driver unless he or she is breaking the law.  ***MARLAR: So what’s the cop supposed to say to you when he pulls you over?  “Mam, do you know why I pulled you over?”  “Why, no Officer, I don’t.”  “Oh, well that makes two of us…”

FUN LIST

HOW TO KNOW WHETHER OR NOT YOU ARE READY TO HAVE KIDS:

  • MESS TEST: Smear peanut butter on the sofa and curtains. Place a fish stick behind the couch and leave it there all summer.

  • TOY TEST: Obtain a 55 gallon box of Legos (or you may substitute roofing tacks). Have a friend spread them all over the house. Put on a blindfold. Try to walk to the bathroom or kitchen. Do not scream because this would wake a child at night.

  • GROCERY STORE TEST: Borrow one or two small animals (goats are best) and take them with you as you shop. Always keep them in sight and pay for anything they eat or damage.

  • DRESSING TEST: Obtain one large, unhappy, live octopus. Stuff into a small net bag making sure that all the arms stay inside.

  • FEEDING TEST: Obtain a large plastic milk jug. Fill halfway with water. Suspend from the ceiling with a cord. Start the jug swinging. Try to insert spoonfuls of soggy cereal into the mouth of the jug, while pretending to be an airplane. Now dump the contents of the jug on the floor.

  • NIGHT TEST: Prepare by obtaining a small cloth bag and fill it with 8-12 pounds of sand. Soak it thoroughly in water. At 3:00p.m. begin to waltz and hum with the bag until 9:00p.m. Lay down your bag and set your alarm for 10:00p.m.Get up, pick up your bag, and sing every song you have ever heard. Make up about a dozen more and sing these too until 4:00a.m. Set alarm for 5:00a.m. Get up and make breakfast. Keep this up for 5 years. Look cheerful.

  • INGENUITY TEST: Take an egg carton. Using a pair of scissors and pot of paint, turn it into an alligator. Now take a toilet paper tube and turn it into an attractive Christmas candle. Use only scotch tape and a piece of foil. Last, take a milk carton, a ping-pong ball, and an empty box of Cocoa Puffs. Make an exact replica of the Eiffel Tower.

  • AUTOMOBILE TEST: Forget the BMW and buy a station wagon. Buy a chocolate ice cream cone and put it in the glove compartment. Leave it there. Get a dime. Stick it into the cassette player. Take a family size package of chocolate chip cookies. Mash them into the back seat. Run a garden rake along both sides of the car. There, perfect.

  • PHYSICAL TEST (Women): Obtain a large bean bag chair and attach it to the front of your clothes. Leave it there for 9 months. Now remove 10 of the beans. And try not to notice your closet full of clothes. You won’t be wearing them for a while.

  • PHYSICAL TEST (Men): Go to the nearest drug store. Set your wallet on the counter. Ask the clerk to help himself. Now proceed to the nearest food store. Go to the head office and arrange for your paycheck to be directly deposited to the store. Purchase a newspaper. Go home and read it quietly for the last time.

  • FINAL ASSIGNMENT: Find a couple who already have a small child. Lecture them on how they can improve their discipline, patience, tolerance, toilet training and child’s table manners. Suggest many ways they can improve. Emphasize to them that they should never allow their children to run wild. Enjoy this experience. It will be the last time you will have all the answers.

MORE SHOW PREP STUFF…

GO GRANNY GO GRANNY…

Poor little Lea Tucker. She’s 79 years old, and for some reason, she just can’t seem to cross the street like the rest of us. In fact, in order for her to get from one side of the street in New York to the other, it takes her 45 minutes! She lacks the speed needed to dash out between rushing cars, and the New York State Department of Transportation refuses to make a crosswalk for people like her. So, Mrs. Tucker has to hop on the bus, go to the end of the route, and then back again to where she started on the other side of the street. It’s a four mile trip that takes 45 minutes… and it’s the ONLY way she can make it across the street safely. Of course, she has to go through the entire routine all over again in order to get home.

OTHER STUFF I WANT TO CRAM INTO TODAY’S PREP

If you struggle with keeping your finances under control during the holidays, you might want to check out iMom’s Christmas gift planner. The free, downloadable planner is designed to help map out your holiday gift list and your budget. They say the goal is to save some dough and put more ho, ho, ho in your holidays. Download the free Christmas gift planner from iMom at http://bit.ly/1xQcDhr

Hungry? Grab a handful of nuts. It doesn’t matter if it’s peanuts or pistachios. People who snack on any kind of nut are 20 percent less likely to die from any cause, according to researchers from the Dana-Farber Cancer Institute, Brigham and Women’s Hospital and the Harvard School of Public Health. And that’s not all! People who eat nuts regularly are also thinner than those who don’t eat them, a finding that should alleviate the widespread worry that eating a lot of nuts will lead to weight gain. Overall, those who eat nuts daily have a 20 percent reduction in death from all causes. Specifically, there is a reduction of 29 percent in deaths from heart disease and an 11 percent reduction in deaths from cancer.  ***Sadly, I don’t believe peanut butter qualifies in this situation.

Believe it or not, Pokemon Go could save us all – in an emergency. Seriously. Picture this: A major hurricane strikes the East Coast, and Pokemon Go switches into “Red Cross mode.” Instead of hunting down virtual monsters, users are rewarded for donating blood, evacuating affected areas, handing out emergency supplies, making donations, offering temporary housing, and more. It would be like the emergency broadcast system, except that it would actually mobilize a community response to a disaster instead of just interrupting television shows. “Gamification,” as it’s called, has already been shown to be able to make people do things they wouldn’t do otherwise, from recovering from injury, to learning a language, to reducing electricity usage. Of course one of the problems with this plan is spotty cell service during many emergencies, but technology is already being developed to address that.

If you want to stay healthy and not get a cold, the flu or even pneumonia, your best protection is a good night’s sleep. And the opposite is also true. Sleep too little and you put your body at a far higher risk of getting an infection, reports HealthDay News of research from the University of California, San Francisco. Led by psychologist Aric Prather, the study examined data from the large U.S. National Health and Nutrition Examination surveys (NHANES) that were conducted from 2005 to 2012, specifically looking at the records of nearly 23,000 men and women with an average age of 46. The study volunteers reported how long they slept, whether they had sleep problems or sleep disorders and whether they had a cold or other infection such as the flu, pneumonia or an ear infection in the previous month.

AND I LEAVE YOU WITH THIS THOUGHT

This is one of the busiest weeks of the year at the Post Office.  ***Postal workers always decorate their cubicles with that familiar holiday greeting – “Next Window Please.”

THE TICKET Movie Reviews with MARIE ASNER

Marie Asner has been reviewing films for over 30 years. Her outlets include radio, print and Internet. For more in-depth movie reviews of the following films, visit www.Tollbooth.org. Ratings from 1 (Low) to 5 (High).

DECEMBER 02, 2016…

La La Land—Would you believe that Ryan Gosling and Emma Stone could dance…and sing?  Well, they do in this old-fashioned Hollywood musical love story  that reminds one of the early Gene Kelly dance days. The story is set in Los Angeles. Damien Chazelle (“Whiplash”) directs. “La La Land” is rated PG 13. Rating of 2 for music fans.

The Eyes Of My Mother (opening in select cities)—This thriller in English and Portuguese, concerns a young woman (Kika Maghalhaes), who was raised on a farm with just her parents for company. Her mother was a former surgeon who teaches her daughter the basics of anatomy. Enter the traveling stranger (Will Brill) and then strange things happen. Also in the cast is Diane Agostini. “The Eyes Of My Mother” is rated R. No rating.

DECEMBER 09, 2016…

Miss Sloane has Jessica Chastain as a Washington D. C. lobbyist.

Office Christmas Party stars Jennifer Aniston and yes, it is about the annual Christmas party. Toss manners out the window.

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