December 08, 2016: Thursday ONAIRprep

***DAILY DOSE OF WEIRD NEWS – FREE TO AIR! (Need to receive this earlier than when it’s posted? Get FTP access and receive a fully-produced version FREE with a customized tag specifically for your station or show! Contact me with your ONAIRprep username for details!)

AND NOW… ON WITH THE SHOW!

PRINTER FRIENDLY VERSION: 20161208

WELCOME TO THE SHOW!

Tune in tomorrow for the beginning of the show when I’ll say the very charming and witty thing I don’t have prepared to say right now.

BIBLE VERSE OF THE DAY

Therefore I tell you that no one who is speaking by the Spirit of God says, “Jesus be cursed,” and no one can say, “Jesus is Lord,” except by the Holy Spirit. — 1 Corinthians 12:3

But after he had considered this, an angel of the Lord appeared to him in a dream and said, “Joseph son of David, do not be afraid to take Mary home as your wife, because what is conceived in her is from the Holy Spirit. — Matthew 1:20

Give thanks to the Lord, call on his name; make known among the nations what he has done. — 1 Chronicles 16:8

HEARTLIGHT DAILY VERSE, PRAYER & THOUGHT

(From VerseOfTheDay.com)

Wicked men are overthrown and are no more, but the house of the righteous stands firm. — Proverbs 12:7

Thought: This is eventually true in every culture. An evil leader is murdered by his even more evil successor. Ruin comes to the one who brings ruination on others. But ultimately, this result will be fully true only when Jesus comes and judges all people justly and with nothing hidden. Then, God’s righteous will shine like the sun and reign with him in heavenly glory which will not spoil, perish, or fade. Justice with mercy, love with strength, and life without death will find their way in the city God has prepared for those who love him.

Prayer: Dear Father in heaven, may your Kingdom come with power in our world and may your will be done here on earth just as it is done in heaven. Overthrow the wicked, and let those you have made righteous in Jesus stand in the presence of your glory and grace. In Jesus’ name I pray. Amen.

The Thoughts and Prayers for Today’s Verse are written by Phil Ware. You can email questions or comments to phil@heartlight.org.

BIRTHDAY VERSE” OF THE DAY (The chapter and verse corresponds to the month and the day!)

Luke 12:8 NIV = I tell you, whoever publicly acknowledges me before others, the Son of Man will also acknowledge before the angels of God.

TODAY IS THURSDAY – DECEMBER 08, 2016

(NOTE: Some holidays may be duplicated due to various calendars reporting conflicting dates)
WEIRD, WACKY, STRANGE, ZANY, ODD, BIZARRE, QUIRKY, UNUSUAL HOLIDAYS!
THERE ARE ONLY
17 SHOPPING DAYS UNTIL CHRISTMAS.

Today is NATIONAL BROWNIE DAY.  ***So is that the chocolate dessert, or the girls’ organization? Either way, they’re sweet.

Today is WINTER FLOWERS DAY.  ***Kind of a contradiction in terms if you live up north.

Tonight is BE SOMEONE’S PILLOW WHILE YOU WATCH TV NIGHT.  ***My wife acts as a pillow every night. Not for me though… but for our cat.

TODAY IS ALSO…

Pretend To Be A Time Traveler Day

COMING UP NEXT (Just a list, we are not endorsing the holidays posted below.)

FRIDAY, DECEMBER 09

Cremation Day
International Anti-corruption Day
Official Lost & Found Day
Weary Willie Day

SATURDAY, DECEMBER 10

Day Of The Horse
Dewey Decimal System Day
Gingerbread Decorating Day
Human Rights Day
International Shareware Day
Jane Addams Day
National Wreaths Across America Day
Nobel Prize Day

SUNDAY, DECEMBER 11

International Mountain Day
Mawlid Al Nabi
UNICEF Birthday
Worldwide Candle Lighting Day (The Compassionate Friends)
World Choral Day

MONDAY, DECEMBER 12

Gingerbread House Day
Green Monday
National 12-hour Fresh Breath Day
National Cocoa Day  Link
National Lost Day Link
Our Lady of Guadelupe Link
Poinsettia Day

TUESDAY, DECEMBER 13

Pick A Pathologist Pal Day Link

WEDNESDAY, DECEMBER 14

Monkey Day Link or Link
Yoga Day Link

THURSDAY, DECEMBER 15

Bill of Rights Day
Cat Herders Day
Free Shipping Day Link  (3rd Thursday at Participating Retailers)
National Cupcake Day  Link

ON THIS DAY

1880: The first issue of The Bullet was published in Edmonton. It was Alberta’s first newspaper.

1961: The Beach Boys released their first single, “Surfin,” on Candix Records. In six weeks it reached #75 on the Billboard Hot 100.

1980: When the baseball winter meetings began, the Boston Red Sox offered up a not-very-impressive minor-league infielder named Wade Boggs for a measly $25,000, and nobody bought him. The same thing happened in 1981. In 1982 Boggs hit .349 for the Red Sox.

1980: During half-time on Monday Night Football, reporter Howard Cosell announced that singer John Lennon had been shot to death on the steps of his home in New York City.

1981: Actress Demi Moore joined the cast of ABC’s General Hospital. Her first taped episode would not air until January 18th.

1982: Marty Robbins died of a heart attack in Nashville at age 57. He had 16 #1 country songs, including “A White Sport Coat,” “El Paso,” “The Story of My Life, and “Devil Woman.”

1990: Workers at the Hypermarket in Norwood, South Africa, baked history’s largest pizza, 122 feet 8 inches in diameter.

1990: A 30-year-old London man was sentenced to 3½ years in prison for robbing the same service station twice with a cucumber. Of course, employees thought the cucumber, wrapped in a plastic bag, was a gun.

1993: President Clinton signed the North American Free Trade Agreement, which went into effect at the start of 1994.

1995: The first 75-mile-an-hour speed limit signs were erected in Montana and Wyoming.

1995: Four months after the death of guitarist Jerry Garcia, The Grateful Dead announced they were breaking up. The group made music for 30 years.

1998: The U.S. Supreme Court ruled that police cannot search people and their cars after merely ticketing them for routine traffic violations.

2002: A mother took her toddler son to court in Glasgow, Scotland, after officials refused to accept they had made a mistake by charging him for speeding. Lawyers, court officials and police fell over laughing when 16-month-old Jay Mack appeared in court and tried to climb into the witness chair. His $326 speeding fine was immediately cancelled. Police said a man caught for speeding obviously gave them the false name, which happened to be the toddler’s.

2005: Police captured a man who tried to rob a New Zealand bank by phone. Wellington police said the man first robbed the bank in person but was so disappointed with his haul, he phoned and told the manager to stand outside the bank with more money. The bandit made a second call and told the manager, actually, a plain-clothes police officer, to walk down the street and wait. The bandit never showed, but police traced the phone calls and made the arrest.

2007: An escaped kangaroo in Lewisville, Texas, led police and neighbors on a 20-minute chase before he was returned to the veterinarian who was trying to get the “tacky” animal well for a St. Louis zoo. The kangaroo, named Maynard, escaped when a strong gust of wind opened a gate. Lewisville police officer Scott Hayney, who caught the animal by the tail, said Maynard did not try to box him, that he seemed scared and tired.”

TODAY IN CHRISTIAN HISTORY

1691: English Puritan minister Richard Baxter dies in London. One of England’s most renowned preachers and author of nearly 200 works (including several hymns), he was known as a peacemaker who sought unity among Protestants.

1934: American missionaries John and Betty Stam are beheaded by Chinese communists. The couple had met while attending Moody Bible Institute and married just the year before their death. Publication of their biography prompted hundreds to volunteer for missionary service.

HOLLYWOOD, SPORTS AND CELEBRITY FIGURE BIRTHDAYS

  • Actress (Spy Kids, “Desperate Housewives”, “Lois & Clark”) Teri Hatcher, 51 (audio clip)

  • Actress (Cellular, Blind Date, Batman) Kim Basinger, 62

BEE-BOP BIRTHDAYS

(Music Artist Birthdays From SongFacts.com)

1914 : Floyd Tillman

1921 : Johnny Otis

1925 : Sammy Davis Jr.

1925 : Jimmy Smith

1939 : Jerry Butler (The Impressions)

1942 : Bobby Elliott (The Hollies)

1943 : Jim Morrison (The Doors)

1946 : Graham Knight (Marmalade)

1947 : Gregg Allman (The Allman Brothers Band)

1947 : Geoff Daking (Blues Magoos)

1949 : Ray Shulman (Gentle Giant)

1950 : Dan Hartman (Edgar Winter Group)

1956 : Warren Cuccurullo (Duran Duran)

1957 : Phil Collen (Def Leppard)

1959 : Paul Rutherford (Frankie Goes To Hollywood)

1962 : Marty Friedman (Megadeth)

1966 : Bushwick Bill (Geto Boys)

1966 : Sinead O’Connor

1972 : Ryan Newell (Sister Hazel)

SECRETS OF THE UNIVERSE

How do they decide what to name new objects found in outer space?

Personally, I would prefer informal, comfortable names, such as Mabel’s Galaxy or Bob’s Big Nebula. These would be names suggesting that wherever you went in the universe, you might find a way to kick back in your seat and enjoy a cheeseburger and a Pepsi.  But it’s formal as well as infinite out there, and they’ve got rules. “They” are the International Astronomical Union. The rules: Stars named by Greek, Roman and Arab astronomers in ancient times retain their names. Newly discovered stars receive not names but numbers, based on their coordinates. Theme names used for geographical features of various heavenly bodies are more imaginative. On Venus, for example, such features are appropriately named for women. If you discover a comet, it’s your baby and bears your name. Find a new asteroid and you can call it just about anything. Well I guess you could call it Al’s Old Asteroid.  (Edited from Tricky Trivia)

CHRISTIAN ARTIST NEWS

This is just a tiny sample of the 5-6 pages of material you could be receiving three days a week from ChristianRadioShowPrepServices.com!

Casting Crowns Megan Garrett says God answers prayers. She just needs to think a little further ahead. Megan posted this week: God answered my prayer that I wouldn’t get sick during the tour and on my first day home after tour I feel like death…wouldn’t you know it.

Jimmy Needham is giving his fans the chance to attend an exclusive online acoustic concert on New Years day. The show will be broadcast from Jimmy’s home in Dallas at 7:00pm CT on New Years Day! It will be streamed via a private Periscope feed, allowing you to interact with Jimmy, type questions and make song requests. You’ll also be given an immediate free download of Jimmy’s COAL NO MORE Christmas EP.

http://jimmyneedham.com/giveaway

Jamie Grace was encouraging the young kids in her local church to eat their fruits and veggies. Using her own hair as an example, Jamie says: I taught the kids at my church that if you eat fruit you get colorful hair. https://twitter.com/jamiegraceh/status/805572307964096512/video/1

Tobymac is promising a new Christmas song but he’s not sharing many details yet. He posted only three words on Instagram this week when making the announcement. Tobymac simply posted: New Christmas song.

http://ift.tt/2heaAAG

You never know where Santa might appear, especially if you are on tour with Matthew West. On his Instagram page Matthew has been posting short videos as he surprises members of his crew and fellow artists while dressed in a full Santa suit. Matthew says you can’t hide from Surprise Santa.

https://www.instagram.com/p/BNpva-CjsvV/

NeedtoBreathe is asking for your help. Last summer the band raised enough money to build a Medical Center in Tola, Nicaragua. Now they are attempting to raise an additional $30,000 to cover the first year’s expenses at the center. As an added incentive, Needtobreathe is giving a copy of their demo song Draw The Line to everyone who donates at least 5 dollars. And they are off to a good start. Almost $5,000 was raised in the first 24 hours.

http://needtobreathecares.org.

Casting Crowns Megan Garrett was apologizing to the fans in the first couple of rows at this weekend’s concert. She posted: when I chose to wear kneeless jeans for the show tonight, I should have at least shaved my knees first

It’s official. Natalie Grant confirmed this week that the Seattle Seahawks are her love language.

Newsboys member Jeff Frankenstein was recently presented with what he described as the best fan gift ever. The key board player for the Newsboys posted a picture of an American flag he had just been given. The flag was flown over the headquarters of the ISAF Joint Command in Afghanistan in Jeff’s honor on September 11, 2014.

https://pbs.twimg.com/media/Cy3m-JnUUAAtRHq.jpg

The Grammy Nominations have been announced and the top nominees are Natalie Grant and Hillary Scott. Both have been nominated in both the Best Contemporary Christian Music Performance and Best Contemporary Christian Music Album categories. Others on the nominee list are Lauren Daigle, For King and Country, Zach Williams, Poets and Saints, Crowder, and Hillsong Young and Free.

http://www.billboard.com/articles/news/7597556/grammys-nominees-complete-list-2017

NEWS KICKERS

(No news on the weekends. As on ONAIRprep subscriber, you can get a fully-produced, customized version of the Daily Dose of Weird News FREE with a station or show specific tag! Email darren@onairprep.com for details!)

NEW NEWS KICKERS…

You’ve probably never met anyone with the hottest names of 2016; you might never have even heard of most of them. But Today.com predicts that’s going to change, and fast. They found 16 names on the list of most popular names that are wildly unusual. They include Koa, Wells, Saskia, Theodosia, and Neo.  ***Still, they’re better than Apple, Rumor, and Scout.  http://on.today.com/2ecRrCS

Turns out we were wrong; there aren’t 200 billion galaxies in the universe. It’s more like 2 trillion. NASA announced late last week that the number of galaxies in our observable universe is 10 times higher than previously projected, thanks to more observations by the Hubble Space Telescope. They added that an even bigger telescope is in the works. ***The more we see, the grander God’s creation becomes.

The pet rock is back but it won’t come cheap. A company named Made Solid is selling rocks through Nordsrums Department Store. The rocks come in a leather pocket created by the company and sell for $85 each.  ***Dude, you can get a real-life puppy for FREE at the pound!

The New York P.R. firm, LaForce, has canceled their annual holiday party because Trump won the election. The note sent out to employees said, “We envisioned an extra-cheerful celebration of Hillary Clinton’s presidency.” ***Wow – if you are this easily depressed and defeated to the point that you just can’t go on with your Christmas party, you must suck as a public relations firm.

San Francisco International Airport has added a new staff member — LiLou, a “comfort pig.” Yes, a real-life pig that passengers can turn to when they get stressed, miss a flight or have an extended layover. ***And the Muslim passengers begin complaining in 3… 2… 1…

Police in Canada have apologized for threatening drunk drivers with Nickelback music after the message went viral and the band requested it be removed from Facebook. The humorous attempt to bring awareness to the dangers of drinking & driving by cops on Prince Edward Island instead snowballed into a big Nickelback joke. But the band didn’t appreciate it, and a rep demanded that they take the “threat” down.  ***Stooooopid!  You’re forcing them to stop some of the best advertising you guys have ever had!  You can’t pay for this kind of publicity!  Heck, Canada – if you’re listening – go ahead and threaten the criminals with listening to my show!  I could use the listeners!

Following United Airlines’ announcement that customers purchasing their least expensive tickets will not be allowed to use the overhead bin for storage, the air carrier has just announced a new ticket option called “Basic Economy.” Under the option, United is going to charge those fliers an extra fee to store items in the overhead bin.  ***They’ve also announced Poverty-Level Pricing, where you are required to sit in the back of a prop aircraft on an exercise bike and pedal really hard to keep the propellers moving.

NEWS KICKER EVERGREENS…

More turkey, less white bread and mashed potatoes. Just in time for holiday feasting, a large study found that diets higher in protein (like turkey) and lower in carbohydrates (like stuffing) can help overweight adults who managed to drop some weight keep it off.  ***Oh yeah?  If eating turkey is going to keep me from packing on the pounds, why are turkeys so fat?

According to anthropologists American’s heads have gotten bigger the past 150 years.  ***I blame public schools for teaching self-esteem.  

 

Like bacon? Want to meet people who like bacon? There is now a real dating app for bacon lovers. The app is called Sizzl. It’s put together by Oscar Mayer. They say the goal of the app is to help singles connect with thousands of like-minded bacon lovers. ***So you can become your very own meme.  Lovely.  http://www.oscarmayer.com/find-bacon-love/

 

What do women do before a first date, aside from checking their makeup and clothes? Many are checking out their suitors on Facebook. A match.com survey found that nearly half of women polled look up guys on Facebook.  *** Most guys surveyed found that idea completely unacceptable.  

 

Civil rights for robots? It could be coming.  A study released by the British government says someday robots might become so advanced, they could demand their independence.  The U-K Office of Science and Innovation foresees the day when robots will be able to reproduce and think for themselves. But don’t look for a robot revolution anytime soon. The study says independence for robots probably won’t be much of an issue until the mid-21st century.   ***However, they are cautioning people NOT to name their kids John or Sarah Connor.  

 

WONDER WOMAN (This feature will be disappearing in 2017)

CLICK HERE TO DOWNLOAD TODAY’S EPISODE… “Chess Set”

DAILY COMEDY CLIP (This feature will be disappearing in 2017)

CLICK HERE TO DOWNLOAD TODAY’S EPISODE… Joey ILO, “Dad Compliments”

AS THE JUNGLE TURNS – WEEKDAY VERSION

CLICK HERE TO DOWNLOAD THURSDAY’S EPISODE

OPEN: And now, FancyMonkey.com, (Show Name), and (Station Call Letters) bring you As the Jungle Turns! When last we left the jungle, Millard the Monkey was so obsessed with finding a place on earth that had not even heard of his arch nemesis, Steve Mozart, that he had Jean Claude the flying squirrel fly him to Siberia. Unfortunately, Steve Mozart is huge there… so off they fly again to places unknown…

CLOSE: All of that flying around the world for nothing! Millard is never going to get away from Steve Mozart. Now that he’s come to that realization, will he also give up trying to be better than Mozart, or will he finally discover a way to beat him at something… anything? Find out next time, As the Jungle Turns!

AS THE JUNGLE TURNS – SATURDAY/SUNDAY VERSION (This feature will be disappearing in 2017)

CLICK HERE TO DOWNLOAD THE EPISODE FOR THE WEEKEND OF DECEMBER 10/11

OPEN: And now, FancyMonkey.com, (Show Name), and (Station Call Letters) bring you As the Jungle Turns! Last time, Gruffy was dead, Millard was dead, Racquet was dead… everyone was dead except Nozzles and Sully! Wait a minute… never mind, that’s the wrong script. Ah, here we go… last time the animals found the source of some giant footprints… a giant gorilla!

CLOSE: Alright – I’m with Millard on this one. Forget the whole friend thing, I’d stay in that cave… just to be safe. We’ll find out what the rest of the animals do, next time… As the Jungle Turns!

***You may simulcast “As the Jungle Turns” on the Internet stream of your live broadcast only. Any other Internet use of “As the Jungle Turns” in whole or part including podcasting of your live broadcast is a violation of copyright law. Thank you for your cooperation on this vitally important issue. If you have any questions, please e-mail us and ask about “Jungle Jam & Friends the Radio Show” usage.

MOMENT OF DUH

In Sweden, a man fell asleep at a party and nearly didn’t wake up…

…it seems the guy’s fun loving friends squeezed out an entire tube of quick-drying glue over his face. The man’s mouth and eyelids were glued shut and only one nostril had been left free. He was taken to a hospital where staff snipped open his eyes and cleaned out his airways. He later reported the attack to police and is said to still be in a lot of pain.  ***MARLAR: I don’t think that’s what they mean by, “bonding with your friends.”

TOP TEN

TOP TEN POSITIVE WAYS TO CELEBRATE THE HOLIDAYS
1. Put aside family disputes or differences, agree to disagree
2. Invite a stranger to your holiday dinner, make them smile
3. Believe in miracles, they are closer than you know
4. Dress up as Santa Claus, or watch The Miracle on 34th Street
5. Kiss someone unexpectedly, and give away lots of hugs
6. Read your children a story, or let them read to you
7. Propose to someone, get married, or send someone flowers
8. Realize how wonderful your life is, and thank your guardian angel
9. Bring someone a Christmas tree, or give a gift to the homeless
10. Decorate your home with memories of Christmas’s gone by

THE FILES OF LAW & DISORDER

Stealing a car is a really bad idea. Stealing a toy car is just plain dumb.

FILE #1: From St. Croix Falls, Wisconsin comes the story of James Chavez who shoplifted a toy car, some medication, a few batteries, a pellet pistol and a flip phone from the local Wal Mart. He was quickly caught and charged with a misdemeanor. He must have really wanted this stuff badly though, because two days later he allegedly broke into the police station property room and stole those very items again, leaving behind more expensive stuff like a computer and an assault rifle. He’s now been charged with breaking into a police station, a felony.

FILE #2: A 38-year-old Oak Park, Illinois woman called the police to report that the marijuana she was smoking had been laced with another substance and that there were demons in her house. The cops didn’t care so much about the demons – but they did give her a ticket for marijuana possession.

FILE #3: 50-year-old David Stack of Sydney asked, after being pulled over for driving a school bus with a blood alcohol level of 13 times the legal limit, “Can I finish my run, at least to drop these kids off?”  ***MARLAR: I’m gonna go with no.

STRANGE LAW: In Australia taxicabs are required to carry a bale of hay in the trunk.

THIS IS YOUR BRAIN ON DRUGS

Good penmanship lands a man in jail!

Gerry Arnould of Thunder Bay, Ontario, pleaded guilty to forging a prescription for Percocet. The pharmacy staff became suspicious because of the large number of pills, and also because his handwriting was too legible to be a doctor’s. The judge sentenced him to 30 days in jail and joked that he could spend the time practicing scribbling.

PHONER PHUN

Let’s add to today’s TOP TEN list (See above.)! What positive ways can we celebrate Christmas this year? Any special family traditions you’d suggest others try?

Business experts say employees shouldn’t be giving gifts to bosses. But bosses can give gifts to employees, and often do. And sometimes they fail. People were asked to share the bad Christmas gifts their bosses gave. On the list: “My boss gave everyone gift certificates to his favorite paintball game place.” What’s the worst gift you were ever given by your employer?

BIBLE BRAIN BUSTER!

QUESTION: What king of Judah has 28 sons and 60 daughters?
ANSWER: Rehoboam (2 Chronicles 11:21)

“Now Rehoboam…begot twenty eight sons and sixty daughters.”  ***MARLAR: Wow! And you thought you had family problems? And on top of that there were 18 wives and 60 concubines!

QUESTION IMPOSSIBLE

QUESTION: According to a poll by the Opinion Research Corporation, 29% of American workers did not do this last year – even once. What?

ANSWER: Take a paid vacation.

TRUE OR FALSE

Pay attention! If our next player doesn’t answer all ten T/F questions correctly we start all over from question #1! First person to answer question #10 correctly is our winner!

1. The first Band-Aid Brand Bandages were three inches wide and eighteen inches long. (True… you were supposed to make your own bandage by cutting off as much as you needed)

2. The vast majority of computer viruses are created and sent out by teenagers. (True… the profile of the average computer virus writer is age 14-24, talented, bright, and driven by a rebellious, adolescent need to call attention to himself)

3. Americans today consume about the same number of calories per day as Americans did way back in 1910. (True… sadly, the weight of the average American has increased substantially due to lack of exercise)

4. Regardless of dental hygiene, identical twins almost always get the exact number of cavities throughout their lives. (False)

5. Tim Conway once had his own TV show but it was cancelled the same day the first episode aired. (Yes… it was called “Turn On”.)

6. Dorothy had a pet cow in “The Wizard Of Oz”. (True… it’s name was Imogene)

7. Melody and Millicent are related to Mickey Mouse. (False… they are related to Mickey Mouse’s girlfriend Minnie… they are her nieces. Gotcha!)

8. Before becoming James Bond, Sean Connery spent time as a milkman. (True)

9. In 1998, AOL acquired the rights to ICQ, the first widespread instant messaging service. (Yes)

10. There are more chickens than people in the world. (True)

TABLOID MATCH GAME

You have to match the blank in the tabloid headline with the word or phrase that has been removed!

_________-EATING BANANAS (FLESH)

MAPUTO, MOZAMBIQUE —  Flesh-eating bananas have claimed the lives of over seven hundred citizens!

Sales of bananas in Maputo have plummeted following an outbreak of flesh-eating bananas that have claimed the lives of hundreds of citizens infested with a lethal banana bacteria.

The bananas sold in Maputo are grown in Mozambique. Mozambique exports bananas to South Africa. But this has made no difference to panic-stricken consumers who are avoiding the fruit altogether.  Oddly though, if you put the bananas in pancakes, the bacteria is no longer lethal.  So, authorities are encouraging all citizens to eat banana pancakes.

THE WAY TOO EARLY IN THE MORNING TO UNDERSTAND THE PUNCHLINE EVEN AFTER TWO CUPS OF COFFEE JOKE OF THE DAY 

JOKE #1

It was the kindergarten teacher’s birthday and the students decided that they would each buy their teacher a gift.

The first student, whose parents owned a floral shop, gave her a present.  She held it and said “I guess that it is flowers.”

“How did you guess?” asked the little boy.  She laughed and thanked him.

The second student, whose parents owned a candy store, gave her a present.  She held it and said, “I guess that it’s some candy.”

“How did you guess?” asked the little boy. She laughed again and thanked him.

The third student, whose parents owned a liquor store, gave her a box which was leaking.  The teacher touched the liquid with her finger and tasted it.

“Mmmmm, is it wine?” she asked.

“No,” said the little girl.

So she tasted it again. “Is it champagne?” she asked.

“Noooo,” replied the little girl, “It’s a puppy.”

JOKE #2

When I grow up I want to be a pilot because it’s a fun job and easy to do. That’s why
there are so many pilots flying around these days.

Pilots don’t need much school. They just have to learn to read numbers so they can read their instruments.

I guess they should be able to read a road map, too.

Pilots should be brave to they won’t get scared it it’s foggy and they can’t see, or if a wing or motor falls off.

Pilots have to have good eyes to see through the clouds, and they can’t be afraid of thunder or lightning because they are much closer to them than we are.

The salary pilots make is another thing I like. They make more money than they know what to do with. This is because most people think that flying a plane is dangerous, except pilots don’t because they know how easy it is.

I hope I don’t get airsick because I get carsick and if I get airsick, I couldn’t be a pilot and then I would have to go to work.

JOKE #3

A police car pulls up in front of grandma’s house and grandpa gets out.

The polite policeman takes grandpa to the door and explains to grandma that this elderly gentleman said that he was lost in the park and couldn’t find his way home.

Grandma looked at her husband and said, “You’ve been going to that park for over 30 years! How could you get lost?”

Leaning close to Grandma, so that the policeman couldn’t hear, Grandpa whispered, “I wasn’t lost. I was just too tired to walk home.”

USELESS FACTS

Hazina the hippo is happy again.  She’s got a new buddy, Haben the hippo. Hazina had been living alone at the Greater Vancouver Zoo in British Columbia after her companion died two years ago. Zoo keepers say when she saw her new friend she greeted him in fine hippo fashion. Lots of grunting, growling and bubble blowing in the water.  ***Yep… that’s how I won over my wife.

An old Japanese superstition states that if you lay down after a meal, you will become a cow.  ***Unfortunately, if you don’t lay down – and you remain seated at the table – you’re considered a pig.

FEATURED FUNNIES

SUMMER CAMP

A counselor was helping his kids put their stuff away on their first morning in Summer Camp.

He was surprised to see one of the youngsters had an umbrella.

The counselor asked, “Why did you bring an umbrella to camp?”

The kid answered, “Did you ever have a mother?

IT MUST BE TRUE BECAUSE I HEARD IT ON THE RADIO!

A boy in England runs a foot race… and wins… despite having a broken leg at the time!

A Nottingham, England, schoolboy helped his team win a national orienteering race despite having to run for 50 minutes with a broken leg. 15-year-old Peter Lynas was taking part in the race when he slipped and broke his fibia. The accident happened just minutes into the race, but he carried on to run another 3.7 miles and finished 12th in the event. After the race — and some medical attention — Peter told a reporter, “My foot was in a funny position, so I just moved it back to where I thought it should be and then carried on.”  ***MARLAR: Amazing… and I go crying to my wife whenever I get a paper cut.  I’m such a girlie-man.

INSPIRATIONAL INSPIRATION

YOU ARE UNIQUE

 From Ruthie

When God formed you in your mother’s womb, He fashioned you in a unique way, both inside and out. Even if you were born an identical twin, God’s design for you and your life will never be duplicated. You are one of a kind. Rare. Distinctive. And wholly irreplaceable. Without the story of your life, God’s own eternal book would be missing a cherished chapter.

If you find yourself feeling lost in a sea of faces, if you feel your accomplishments are insignificant  in comparison with those around you, if you feel overlooked or under-love, remember . . . God created you as an original. No one else throughout the history of time, both past and future, can bring to his world the unique combination of gifts,   personality, experience, and love that you can. There’s no one else God can use to fill the place. He’s saved especially for you.

EACH OF US IS AN ORIGINAL

Galatians 5:26

DRIVE TIME DEVOTIONAL

Whiners and complainers. Are you like that? You’re in good company… David did a complaining of his own as well.

Ever know people who are always whining and complaining? You don’t dare ask them how they are because you’ll get an earful about how awful life is, about how crummy they feel, about how everybody hates them. You’ve probably had a few days like that yourself. You go over every wrong anybody’s ever done to you. Over and over again you rehash how your plans haven’t worked out. You may accuse God of forgetting about you, or blame Him for all that’s bad in your life. David did the same thing in the book of Psalms.

In Psalm 13, David asked God, “How long, O Lord? Will You forget me forever?” Psalm 13 is a psalm of lament. David was honest with God about what he was feeling. In his impatience, he asked God some pretty tough questions. David didn’t hide anything from the Lord, including his feeling that God was purposely staying far from him.

God expects such honesty from us as well. He knows our thoughts, our feelings, our desires. God doesn’t want us to hide behind false bravado and tough words. On the other hand, God doesn’t want endless complaining. He’s well aware of what we need and what His plans are for us.

David had this figured out as well. He asked God for an answer in verse 3, then recalled God’s unfailing love in verse 5. By the end of Psalm 13, David was praising God for His goodness. This psalm is a good model for people who tend to complain or who feel that God is far from them. David, who went through some tough times, was honest with God about his feelings. He asked God for an answer, placed his trust in God for the outcome, and ended by praising Him.

Think about David next time you pray. Remember his honesty about his struggles, but also remember to place your trust in the God who controls all, who knows all, and who loves you.

LEFTOVERS

DOWN TO A SCIENCE

The biggest downside to having a real Christmas tree? Pine needles on the floor. Soon, that may no longer be a problem!

Did you vacuum pine needles off the carpet last year as you took down your Christmas tree? Dreading doing it again this year, and the next? You may not have to next year. Washington State University plant pathologists are now working on Christmas trees that won’t dry up and shed their needles after sitting in your living room for 4 or 5 weeks. The researchers found that some clones of the Nordmann Fir have better water retention after harvest than the original fir. The seed from these superior trees in Denmark was harvested and imported for Pacific Northwest growers and will make a difference in the crop of real Christmas trees in the coming years.

LIFE… LIVE IT

What’s the number one cause of holiday stress?

The number one cause of holiday stress is the lack of money. That’s the word from the fifth annual holiday stress survey conducted by FranklinCovey Products that revealed surprising insights on the factors that increase stress during the holidays. Despite the current economic climate, 61% of respondents believe they spend too much money during the holidays.

  • Last year, when asked what is most stressful about holiday gift-giving, respondents chose “selecting the right gift.” This year, when asked the same question, respondents’ top concern is that the number of people on their list is more than they can afford to buy for.

  • When asked compared to last year, what changes they would make this year to their holiday spending, 53% intend to spend less on the gifts they buy. Comparing prices/shopping for sales and clipping coupons also ranked high, at 51 and 44%, respectively.

  • With more than half of the survey’s respondents taking time at least once a week to plan, a “to-do list” is perceived as the most helpful tool for dealing with stress, with meditation, and exercise a close second.

JUST FOR FUN

HUGS ARE HEALTHY

Here are 6 hug a Day Ideas to get in even more hugs with your kids (iMom): 

1. Bear Hug: hug em till it hurts

2. Surprise hug: Don’t let them see it coming

3. Hurricane hug: hug and spin

4. Make it better hug: a gentle hug when they’re hurting

5. Family hug: all together

6. Pickle in the middle: the perfect hug for reluctant teens who try to get away.

FUN LIST

THINGS SANTA DOES EVERY YEAR BEFORE HIS BIG TRIP

  • Beano in the reindeer food
  • Big Gulp and a couple of dogs
  • Look up the good kids’ addresses on Mapquest
  • Take the sleigh in and get the runners rotated
  • Bathroom! Bathroom! Bathroom!

MORE SHOW PREP STUFF…

EMAIL BAG

SUBJECT LINE: Christmas

Dear (JOCK), I know I’m supposed to be all holly-jolly at this time of year, but there are some things about Christmas that irritate the heck out of me.  I’ve told my friends about the stuff during Christmas that irritates me, and they call me a grinch or Scrooge.  Since I know you have an opinion on everything and can’t stand the song “Christmas Shoes” by Newsong, I figured there’s hope that you might understand some of these holiday things that tick me off.  Here’s my list…

  • The Salvation Army bell ringers.  What, just because there are poor people in the world, my ears should suffer?  If I could give money to get them to stop ringing the bells, I would.

  • Christmas Carols.  I don’t care if it’s sung by Steven Curtis Chapman, Whitney Houston, Third Day, Burl Ives, Amy Grant, or Jon Bon Jovi, I swear I am going to kick someone the next time I hear White Christmas over the loudspeaker while I’m trying to buy bleach at the grocery store.

  • Ancient Television Christmas Specials.  Yeah, Charlie Brown picks out the worst Christmas tree ever and the California Raisins help Santa save Christmas.  Please leave those shows locked up in the “programming from 30 years ago” closet.

  • Tinsel. It’s pretty on the tree, but when my cats strew it about the house at 2 in the morning?  Not so much.

  • Christmas cards with pictures of the sender’s kids.  You know, I don’t visit my sister because I don’t like being around her kids in person.  Now I have to deal with high-definition prints of the little ankle-biters picking their nose while sitting on Santa’s lap at the mall?

Merry Christmas. –Marian

JOCK RESPONSE: Marian… I appreciate your email, and I have just two words for you.  BAH and HUMBUG.  For Christmas this year, I’d strongly recommend your family get you some counseling.  That being said, the last line about Christmas cards was hilarious… thanks for the laugh. 

OTHER STUFF I WANT TO CRAM INTO TODAY’S PREP

I was actually crying towards the end of this.  What an amazing way to spread the true message of Christmas.

Another example of a Christmas caroling flash mob.

 25 Christmas Gifts or Remembrances for the Brokenhearted

1. A tree that can be planted in the family’s yard in memory of the loved one

2. Bibles, Christmas Poinsettias, or library books given as memorials

3. Memorials to the local church or charities

4. Home videos of the loved one

5. A scrapbook filled with pictures of the loved one

6. Special Christmas ornaments

7. Books such as Streams in the Dessert and When Life is Changed Forever

8. A personal item that would become a memento about the loved one’s personality or gifting

9. Gift certificates to a cabin or lodge, or to a place that the loved one once enjoyed

10. An original poem about the deceased

11. A journal from friends and family with written memories about the deceased

12. A written tribute to the deceased

13. Addressing their Christmas cards or notes

14. Joining them in holiday shopping or doing the shopping for them

15. Asking if you can help decorate their home for Christmas

16. Sharing homemade Christmas cookies

17. Arranging family photographs in albums

18. Inviting them to decorate a gingerbread house

19. Picking them up for Christmas services at church and holiday get-togethers

20. Helping them shop for that “perfect gift” that they can give to others in memory of their loved one

21. Decorating a small tree with ornaments that have special memories of the loved one

22. Helping them write holiday memories

23. Organizing a candle-light memorial for close friends and family

24. Having a family-time of singing some of the deceased’s favorite Christmas carols and hymns

25. Giving the brokenhearted blank journals to write Bible verses that remind them of God’s presence

http://www.familylife.com/articles/topics/holidays/featured/christmas/giving-holiday-hope-to-the-grieving?utm_campaign=SN-FL-FBpost&utm_medium=social-twitter&utm_source=FL&utm_content=link-giving-holiday-hope

Every single day, Rich Nowakowski sits on the front porch of his house in Hartland, Wisconsin cheering on the construction crew that is building an apartment complex across the street. According to ABC News, Rich suffered a stroke in 2012 leaving him unable to speak well, but his passion for the men’s work still shines through. And the members of the crew found the perfect way to say thanks. Recently 30 members of the construction crew pooled their money and surprised Rich with two tickets to see his favorite team, the Green Bay Packers, along with $400 in cash and some Packers gear.  http://abcn.ws/2gw9PCY

The Bible Society recently joined with the town council in Calne, in Southwestern England, to set a new Guinness World Record for the world’s largest nativity scene. According to Christian today.com, dozens of wise men, shepherds ,angels, donkeys, sheep and even stars gathered on the town green. In the end, officials certified that 1,254 people took part. That broke the old record of 1,039 set in Utah in 2014. http://bit.ly/2g2SO2d

AND I LEAVE YOU WITH THIS THOUGHT

Something to keep in mind during this Christmas season: life is an endless struggle full of frustrations and challenges, but eventually you will find a parking spot.

THE TICKET Movie Reviews with MARIE ASNER

Marie Asner has been reviewing films for over 30 years. Her outlets include radio, print and Internet. For more in-depth movie reviews of the following films, visit www.Tollbooth.org. Ratings from 1 (Low) to 5 (High).

DECEMBER 02, 2016…

La La Land—Would you believe that Ryan Gosling and Emma Stone could dance…and sing?  Well, they do in this old-fashioned Hollywood musical love story  that reminds one of the early Gene Kelly dance days. The story is set in Los Angeles. Damien Chazelle (“Whiplash”) directs. “La La Land” is rated PG 13. Rating of 2 for music fans.

The Eyes Of My Mother (opening in select cities)—This thriller in English and Portuguese, concerns a young woman (Kika Maghalhaes), who was raised on a farm with just her parents for company. Her mother was a former surgeon who teaches her daughter the basics of anatomy. Enter the traveling stranger (Will Brill) and then strange things happen. Also in the cast is Diane Agostini. “The Eyes Of My Mother” is rated R. No rating.

DECEMBER 09, 2016…

Miss Sloane has Jessica Chastain as a Washington D. C. lobbyist.

Office Christmas Party stars Jennifer Aniston and yes, it is about the annual Christmas party. Toss manners out the window.

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