December 09, 2016: Friday ONAIRprep

***DAILY DOSE OF WEIRD NEWS – FREE TO AIR! (Need to receive this earlier than when it’s posted? Get FTP access and receive a fully-produced version FREE with a customized tag specifically for your station or show! Contact me with your ONAIRprep username for details!)

AND NOW… ON WITH THE SHOW!

PRINTER FRIENDLY VERSION: 20161209

WELCOME TO THE SHOW!

Welcome to (THE JOCK SHOW)! Batteries not included.

BIBLE VERSE OF THE DAY

And when they were come into the house, they saw the young child with Mary his mother, and fell down, and worshipped him: and when they had opened their treasures, they presented unto him gifts; gold, and frankincense and myrrh. –Matthew 2:11

All this took place to fulfill what the Lord had said through the prophet: “The virgin will be with child and will give birth to a son, and they will call him Immanuel” — which means, “God with us.” — Matthew 1:22-23

Let the word of Christ dwell in you richly as you teach and admonish one another with all wisdom, and as you sing psalms, hymns and spiritual songs with gratitude in your hearts to God. — Colossians 3:16

HEARTLIGHT DAILY VERSE, PRAYER & THOUGHT

(From VerseOfTheDay.com)

Thanks be to God, who always leads us in triumphal procession in Christ and through us spreads everywhere the fragrance of the knowledge of him. — 2 Corinthians 2:14

Thought: What do you smell like today? Is that question too personal? Not to God! Paul says we are warriors returning from conquest with the smell of victory incense permeating our presence. To those who see us and know us, this aroma points them to God and his victory over our wills and his victory for us over death. We are God’s conquest and conquerors. Let’s live surrendered to his will, displaying his grace and victory in our lives.

Prayer: Thank you, O LORD God Almighty, for your incredible victory over sin and death. Thank you even more for conquering my rebellious heart and for blessing me with your incomparable grace. Despite the challenges, difficulties, and pains in life, dear LORD, please help me live my life as a victory march as I journey home to you. In Jesus’ mighty and holy name I pray. Amen.

The Thoughts and Prayers for Today’s Verse are written by Phil Ware. You can email questions or comments to phil@heartlight.org.

BIRTHDAY VERSE” OF THE DAY (The chapter and verse corresponds to the month and the day!)

2 Corinthians 12:9 NIV = But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may rest on me.

TODAY IS FRIDAY – DECEMBER 09, 2016

(NOTE: Some holidays may be duplicated due to various calendars reporting conflicting dates)
WEIRD, WACKY, STRANGE, ZANY, ODD, BIZARRE, QUIRKY, UNUSUAL HOLIDAYS!
THERE ARE ONLY
16 SHOPPING DAYS UNTIL CHRISTMAS.

Today is CHRISTMAS GIFT MEMORY DAY, a time to remember the all-time favorite Christmas gift you received and what happened to it. ***Saaaay… what DID I do with those Rock-Em Sock-Em Robots anyway?

Today is NATIONAL NIGHT GOWN DAY.

Today is HOMEMADE GIFT DAY. ***Although nightgowns probably shouldn’t fall into this category.

Today is SEARCH HIGH AND LOW FOR YOUR GINGERBREAD RECIPE DAY. ***It’s tough to find something when you only use it once a year. In fact, I have NO idea where my elliptical machine is.

TODAY IS ALSO…

Cremation Day
International Anti-corruption Day
Official Lost & Found Day
Weary Willie Day

COMING UP NEXT (Just a list, we are not endorsing the holidays posted below.)

SATURDAY, DECEMBER 10

Day Of The Horse
Dewey Decimal System Day
Gingerbread Decorating Day
Human Rights Day
International Shareware Day
Jane Addams Day
National Wreaths Across America Day
Nobel Prize Day

SUNDAY, DECEMBER 11

International Mountain Day
Mawlid Al Nabi
UNICEF Birthday
Worldwide Candle Lighting Day (The Compassionate Friends)
World Choral Day

MONDAY, DECEMBER 12

Gingerbread House Day
Green Monday
National 12-hour Fresh Breath Day
National Cocoa Day  Link
National Lost Day Link
Our Lady of Guadelupe Link
Poinsettia Day

TUESDAY, DECEMBER 13

Pick A Pathologist Pal Day Link

WEDNESDAY, DECEMBER 14

Monkey Day Link or Link
Yoga Day Link

THURSDAY, DECEMBER 15

Bill of Rights Day
Cat Herders Day
Free Shipping Day Link  (3rd Thursday at Participating Retailers)
National Cupcake Day  Link

FRIDAY, DECEMBER 16

Barbie and Barney Backlash Day
National Chocolate-covered Anything Day  Link
National Ugly Christmas Sweater Day Link (Friday of second full week)
Underdog Day (3rd Friday)
Zionism Day

SATURDAY, DECEMBER 17

Clean Air Day
National Re-gifting Day (3d Thursday) Link
Wright Brothers Day

SUNDAY, DECEMBER 18

Answer The Telephone Like Buddy The Elf Day Link
Arabic Language Day Link
Give A Wine Club Day  Link
International Migrants Day

MONDAY, DECEMBER 19

(None Today)

ON THIS DAY

1854: Alfred Lord Tennyson’s noted poem, “The Charge of the Light Brigade,” was published in England.

1907: The first Christmas Seals went on sale at the Post Office in Wilmington, Delaware. Funds from the sale went to fight tuberculosis.

1956: At Sun Records in Memphis a quartet of Elvis Presley, Johnny Cash, Carl Perkins, and Jerry Lee Lewis recorded “Big Boss Man,” “Blueberry Hill,” “Peace in the Valley,” “That Old Rugged Cross,” “Isle of Golden Dreams,” and “I Won’t Have to Cross Jordan Alone.”

1960: In St. Paul, Sperry-Rand introduced its Univac-1107, a state-of-the-art computer that used “thin-film memory.”

1965: The “Peanuts” character Clara debuted on television. She gave Snoopy his first ball.

1984: The Jacksons played their last show together in Los Angeles.

1987: Larry Bird missed a free throw after making 59 in a row.

1992: The assistant manager of a fast-food restaurant in Yorkshire, England, chased off a masked bandit by throwing hot French fries at him.

1995: Canadian postal officials in Toronto announced that Santa Claus had been given his own postal code. Some 10,000 Canada Post volunteers answer children’s letters addressed to Santa at the North Pole, Canada H0H-0H0.

1998: With home-field advantage, Nepal’s Tiger Tops Tuskers beat Britain’s Gurkha Gladiators 11-3 to win the 17th World Elephant Polo Association Championship in Katmandu. Yep, they play polo on elephants.

2002: When Madison, Wisconsin police tallied up their donated teddy bears to console children at crime and accident scenes, they realized 2,000 of the 3,000 bears were paid for with donations from the Fox Lake Correctional Institution. Inmates had donated $626, enough to purchase 2,000 surplus bears with the help of a Wisconsin marketing company.

2002: United Airlines filed for Chapter 11 bankruptcy after losing $4 billion in the previous two years.

2005: An Ecuadorian woman, believed to be the world’s oldest person at 116, revealed she drank donkey’s milk as a girl. Maria Esther Heredia Lecaro. was named by the Guinness Book as the world’s oldest person, male or female. Her 80-year-old daughter said her mother had no health problems, she played piano, never drank or smoked, took care of herself and was not dependant on anyone.

TODAY IN CHRISTIAN HISTORY

1608: English poet John Milton is born in London. Though most famous for his epic Paradise Lost, he also penned an exposition of Christian doctrine, a plan for Christian education, and various political writings.

1835: George Müller of Bristol publicly presents his plan for an orphanage. It opens the following year.

1840: Unable to go to China, David Livingstone sets sail from London as a missionary to southern Africa.

1843: The first Christmas cards—actually more like postcards—are created and sold for a shilling.

1968: Death of the influential German theologian, Karl Barth, best known for his commentary on Paul’s letter to the Romans.

HOLLYWOOD, SPORTS AND CELEBRITY FIGURE BIRTHDAYS

  • actress (“Kate & Allie”, “The West Wing”) Allison Smith 47 (audio clip)
  • actor (Being John Malkovich, Con-Air, The Man in the Iron Mask, In the Line of Fire) John Malkovich 63
  • football’s Dick Butkis 74
  • actor (“The Agency”, “Stargate SG-1”, “Harts of the West”, “My Name is Earl”) Beau Bridges 76

BEE-BOP BIRTHDAYS

(Music Artist Birthdays From SongFacts.com)

1906 : Freddy Martin

1934 : Junior Wells

1938 : David Houston

1940 : Sam Strain (Little Anthony & The Imperials, The O’Jays)

1941 : Dan Hicks

1943 : Rick Danko (The Band)

1944 : George Baker

1944 : Shirley Brickley (The Orlons)

1944 : Neil Innes (The Bonzo Dog Doo-Dah Band, The Rutles)

1946 : Walter Orange (The Commodores)

1950 : Joan Armatrading

1955 : Randy Murray (Bachman-Turner Overdrive)

1957 : Donny Osmond

1958 : Nick Seymour (Crowded House)

1968 : Brian Bell (Weezer)

1970 : Jakob Dylan (The Wallflowers)

1971 : Geoff Barrow (Portishead)

1972 : Tre Cool (Green Day)

1974 : Canibus

SECRETS OF THE UNIVERSE

What’s the difference between “partly sunny” and “partly cloudy?”
I always guessed that this was a matter of the glass being half full or half empty: what you called it depended on your outlook. I was half right. They do have similar meanings. But one of them is a standard scientific term while the other is a function of, well, your outlook. Can you guess which is mood, which meteorology? Smile: a partly sunny day is all in your head. Partly cloudy, a technical term, is when the cloud cover is between 31 and 70 percent. In aviation, the similar term, describing a cloud cover of 10 to 50 percent, is “scattered clouds.” So if the weather person says it’s going to be “partly sunny,” that simply means that he or she is relieved that the weekend barbecue is going to happen after all.

CHRISTIAN ARTIST NEWS

This is just a tiny sample of the 5-6 pages of material you could be receiving three days a week from ChristianRadioShowPrepServices.com!

Mercyme guitarist Mike Scheuchzer was reminiscing this week as he celebrated his 44th birthday. He posted: I’ve been making music with Bart Millard more than half my life. When we started Mercyme in 1994, he paid my rent the first 2 months because I couldn’t find a job to pay my share and never held it over me that it took 3 years to pay him back. He’s like a big brother without all the wedgies… can’t imagine doing all this without him around.

https://www.instagram.com/p/BNe4QqUDSvB/

 

For King and Country is putting it all in perspective. They posted: This year we’ve faced political division and racial tension…Thank God for the baby who has united us for 2000 years.

 

A family tradition for Plumb. She posted a picture as her family enjoyed stringing popcorn while watching Elf.

https://www.instagram.com/p/BNXuqd7jQ6V/

 

Rend Collective this week shared why they love this time of the year. They posted: people tend let their walls down a little bit. Huddles get closer, fires get bigger, grace feels more tangible. The members of the Irish worship band says they are praying this spirit isn’t something that doesn’t leave us with the Advent. 

https://www.instagram.com/p/BNXJahUh0pA/

 

Mercyme front man Bart Millard says the family’s Christmas tree contains a lot of memories. Bart posted: We’ve been married for 19 yrs and I think Shannon has collected an ornament for every single moment along the way. 

https://www.instagram.com/p/BNWBjgeD7Yi/

 

Chris Tomlin posted on facebook this week: “Before becoming a parent, I thought I knew God in that I understood He loved me and desired a relationship with me. I knew He was kind, and gracious, and merciful and loving. I knew these things in my head. But now, I understand them in my heart.” That concept is part of Chris’ recent devotional titled How Becoming a Parent Helps You Understand the Unconditional Love of God.  http://ow.ly/GVqP306L1Hp

 

Question of the day from New Release Today: If you could create a Christian music supergroup, who would you put in it?

 

Jordan Feliz was having a little fun during his day off this week. He posted a picture while at the target range while firing a submachine gun. Jordan posted: Today we seriously got so spoiled! 

https://www.instagram.com/p/BNsYxUohMzM/

 

Building 429 front man Jason Roy says he has a love/hate relationship with Christmas music. He was working on the bands set list for their upcoming Christmas tour and asked: What’s with all of the major 7’s?

 

Tenth Avenue North was featuring some pretty amazing back up singers this week. Front man Mike Donehey posted: Definitely the best back up singers we’ve had in a while. Attached was a picture as the members of Switchfoot joined Tenth Avenue North on stage during a recent show.

https://www.instagram.com/p/BNnkC3OghQV/

 

NEWS KICKERS

(No news on the weekends. As on ONAIRprep subscriber, you can get a fully-produced, customized version of the Daily Dose of Weird News FREE with a station or show specific tag! Email darren@onairprep.com for details!)

NEW NEWS KICKERS…

Researchers say they have pinpointed a chemical with the potential to postpone aging. ***Postpone?  I need something to reverse it!

Pinball machines are illegal in Kokomo, Indiana. But that could change Monday (December 12). The arcane, unenforced law that prohibits pinball machines in Kokomo should be repealed next week.  ***Which is setting an extremely dangerous precedent – because we all know that pinball is just a gateway drug to Donkey Kong.

There’s a town in Pennsylvania called Bethlehem. So it’s sadly not surprising that at this time of year, we’d have this story to report: Police are looking for the woman who stole Baby Jesus from Bethlehem. Of course we’re talking about the Baby Jesus from a nativity scene in Bethlehem. Surveillance cameras captured the theft from Payrow Plaza early Sunday – Sunday no less!! Good news though – the statue of the baby was recovered, along with an incoherent note, in neighboring Bethlehem Township.  ***The three wisecops would like to thank the angel who proclaimed where the savior could be found.

A Louisiana inmate walked away from his work release job and stole a hearse for his getaway car. The hearse was being used by Pet Angels crematory, and there was a cat in the hearse when it was stolen.  ***An escaped convict, a hearse, and a cat… sounds like the origins of a new nemesis for Batman!

Now there’s a new study out that claims cereal and potatoes increase your risk of heart disease, while high fat dairy products actually cut the risk. ***So pour whole milk on your cereal and it should even things out for you.

Starbucks says they’re going to increase their locations by 50% in the next year.  ***And thank goodness, because let’s face it – you can never find a single Starbucks when you need one.  You can find THREE, but not a single one.

As I reported earlier this week, the Mall of America has hired its first Black Santa Claus.  Apparently there are some angry people voicing concern about it.  Look, if you’re upset about a non-white Santa Claus, I’ve got some very bad news for you about Jesus.

Police in Huntsville, Alabama arrested armed gang members after they were stupid enough to do that mannequin challenge while holding their weapons, and then posting the thing on Facebook. The video posted November 9 and has garnered four million views and the Madison County Sheriff’s Office investigated after it was sent to them. The video clip shows 19 people, most armed, enacting a shoot-out. Police found an assault rifle, two handguns, a shotgun, packs of marijuana, an attack vest and ammunition in the home where the video was taken. More arrests and charges may be forthcoming. ***So, quick tip – if you’re a gang member with illegal drugs and weapons in your possession, you probably want to avoid purposely filming yourself with said items.

NEWS KICKER EVERGREENS…

A new study suggests that Alzheimer’s could actually be passed from person to person.  ***That’ll be tough to research: “Who gave it to you?”, “I don’t remember”.

Bad news – your Christmas lights might be a fire hazard!  

…a random check by the European Safety Commission revealed that 30 percent of Christmas tree lighting sets were so poorly constructed they could give out an electric shock or cause a fire. Many of the lights failed several of 20 different regulations on wiring, insulation, plugs and other issues. Half of the lights tested were made in China. A small portion of home fires are caused by faulty wiring and other electrical problems but one-tenth of those fires happen in the run-up to Christmas.  ***So this year, toss out those dangerous China-made Christmas lights, and revert back to using lit candles on your tree.

Researchers in England say they may have the problem of baldness solved!  They’ve discovered a protein “code” that tells cells to grow more hair.  Scientists at the University of Manchester found that by sending the code to more cells than usual, they were able to breed mice with more fur.  ***Well it’s about time!  I can’t tell you how concerned I’ve been about mice going bald.

According to London’s Telegraph, if your surname is Morgan, Kidd, Teach, Rackham, Bonny or Read, there’s a good chance a pirate is a member of your family tree. People who have these names could very well be related to Britain’s most famous pirates.  ***And if your surname is Sparrow you’re related to Keith Richards.

You know about the dangers of driving while intoxicated, while texting, and while talking on the phone. A recent study claims that driving while daydreaming may be the most dangerous practice of all. The study released by the Erie Insurance Group says driving while daydreaming may be five times more dangerous than driving and texting or talking on your phone. According to Erie’s findings some 62 percent of all fatal “distracted driving” accidents in the United States are the result of the driver being “lost in thought.” By comparison, only 12 percent of distracted driving fatalities resulted from driving while using mobile phones.  ***So – stop daydreaming, and instead, grab your phone or a BigMac when you’re in the car!  Maybe watch Netflix.

WONDER WOMAN (This feature will be disappearing in 2017)

CLICK HERE TO DOWNLOAD TODAY’S EPISODE… “Daylight Savings”

DAILY COMEDY CLIP (This feature will be disappearing in 2017)

CLICK HERE TO DOWNLOAD TODAY’S EPISODE… Bob Smiley, “Run Forest Run”

AS THE JUNGLE TURNS – WEEKDAY VERSION

CLICK HERE TO DOWNLOAD FRIDAY’S EPISODE

OPEN: And now, FancyMonkey.com, (Show Name), and (Station Call Letters) bring you As the Jungle Turns! Last time, Millard the Monkey was flying around the world with Jean Claude the flying squirrel trying to find somewhere that didn’t know about Steve Mozart. But alas, that was impossible – so Millard, defeated, is now heading back home… where he always takes second place to Steve Mozart.

CLOSE: What on earth could Millard be planning? What does a copy shop have to do with Steve Mozart’s concert? Find out next time, As the Jungle Turns!

AS THE JUNGLE TURNS – SATURDAY/SUNDAY VERSION (This feature will be disappearing in 2017)

CLICK HERE TO DOWNLOAD THE EPISODE FOR THE WEEKEND OF DECEMBER 10/11

OPEN: And now, FancyMonkey.com, (Show Name), and (Station Call Letters) bring you As the Jungle Turns! Last time, Gruffy was dead, Millard was dead, Racquet was dead… everyone was dead except Nozzles and Sully! Wait a minute… never mind, that’s the wrong script. Ah, here we go… last time the animals found the source of some giant footprints… a giant gorilla!

CLOSE: Alright – I’m with Millard on this one. Forget the whole friend thing, I’d stay in that cave… just to be safe. We’ll find out what the rest of the animals do, next time… As the Jungle Turns!

***You may simulcast “As the Jungle Turns” on the Internet stream of your live broadcast only. Any other Internet use of “As the Jungle Turns” in whole or part including podcasting of your live broadcast is a violation of copyright law. Thank you for your cooperation on this vitally important issue. If you have any questions, please e-mail us and ask about “Jungle Jam & Friends the Radio Show” usage.

MOMENT OF DUH

Authorities still don’t know the motive behind the motel room grease job.

Robert Chamberlain has pleaded guilty to smearing Vaseline all over a room at a Motel Six near Binghamton, New York. Police say he used 14 jars of the greasy stuff to coat every inch of the room and everything in it, too. The motel manager says it took almost a month to clean or replace everything that was damaged. Chamberlain hasn’t offered an explanation as to why he did it. He was ordered to pay about 39-hundred dollars for the damage and was sentenced to three years probation.

TOP TEN

DOG PROPERTY RULES

1. If I like it, it’s mine.
2. If its in my mouth, it’s mine.
3. If I can take it from you, it’s mine.
4. If I had it a little while ago, it’s mine.
5. If I’m chewing something up, all the pieces are mine.
6. If its mine, it must never appear to be yours anyway.
7. If it just looks like mine, it’s mine.
8. If I saw it first, it’s mine.
9. If its broken, it’s yours.

10. If you are playing with something and you put it down, it automatically becomes mine.

THE FILES OF LAW & DISORDER

If you’re going to pick people to rob, it’s probably not a good idea to choose an Alaska commercial fisherman and an amateur hockey player.

FILE #1: …Police report the fisherman and hockey player were held up by an armed man, while they returned to the Anchorage Sheraton. Authorities say the suspect took them inside their hotel room, pointed the gun at their heads and demanded money. But it was the robber who ended up unconscious, as the intended victims took away his gun. Police say suspect Terry Butler woke up in a closet, with a security guard standing over him.  Butler’s now charged with assault and two counts of robbery.

FILE #2: David Pace wanted a fire engine. The problem was he didn’t work for the fire department. So the man from Washington State decided to invent his own fire department — the Kettle River Fire Department. Naming himself chief of this fictional firehouse, Pace responded to an ad for a used 100-foot fire truck that another fire department was selling for $20,000. However since there were no takers, the Cornwall Borough Fire Department of Pennsylvania agreed to donate the fire truck to Pace. But before Pace could get the truck, he was arrested for fraud. Authorities became suspicious of the fire department when Pace refused to pay the shipping charges to get the fire truck from Pennsylvania to Washington.

FILE #3: French police have finally arrested a burglar who broke into over 140 pet stores and ate more than three thousand canaries. Cops call the guy the “Birdman of Paris.” He was arrested as he left the “Shampooed Cat” Pet Store leaving behind the heads, bones and feet of 31 canaries.

STRANGE LAW: In England, any person found breaking a boiled egg at the sharp end will be sentenced to 24 hours in the village stocks.

THIS IS YOUR BRAIN ON DRUGS

Sometimes you don’t have to be taking drugs to act as if you are.

When police in Alexandria, Alabama found hundreds of dollars in a truck driven by 35-year-old Traci Doss and accused her of stealing the money from a youth baseball park concession stand, she knew she needed an alibi and needed it fast. The quick thinking, but not-so-bright Traci told the cops she didn’t steal the money – she earned it selling drugs. Doss later set the record straight and was charged with second-degree theft of property.

PHONER PHUN

What was the absolute best gift you ever received at Christmas, and why? (Do you still have it?)

BIBLE BRAIN BUSTER!

QUESTION: To the nearest thousand, how many words are in the Bible?
ANSWER: There are approximately 774,000 words in all, depending on the translation you are reading.

QUESTION IMPOSSIBLE

QUESTION: According to Family Circle, the average American consumes nearly 55 gallons of this a year. What?

ANSWER: Soft drinks!

TRUE OR FALSE

Pay attention! If our next player doesn’t answer all ten T/F questions correctly we start all over from question #1! First person to answer question #10 correctly is our winner!

1. Over 40% of men tailgate to get the person in front of them to speed up. (True – 44%)

2. 25% of people drive after they’ve been drinking. (True – sad as it is)

3. The average person will spend $20,000 in their lifetime on vending machines. (False – it’s $7,000)

4. The first and longest American sporting event is yachting. (True – the Yale-Harvard crew races)

5. There are 225 squares on a Scrabble board. (True)

6. Only 53% of drivers know how to drive a stick shift. (False – it’s 71% that don’t know how!)

7. 12% of male drivers never use their turn signals. (True)

8. 4 out of 5 people sing in the car. (True – but I’m guessing that 5th person is lying about it)

9. 21% of American women would like to change their nose. (True)

10. Eight signers of the Declaration of Independence went on to serve as president of the U.S.. (False – only two did. John Adams and Thomas Jefferson)

TABLOID MATCH GAME

You have to match the blank in the tabloid headline with the word or phrase that has been removed!

___________-AMERICAN AIRLINES (AFRICAN)

DALLAS –   Tyler Perry made an offer to buy the now bankrupt American Airlines.  They accepted.  The new airline:  African-American Airlines.

The Texas-based AMR Corporation, the parent company of American Airlines and American Eagle, announced that the company a filed voluntary petitions for Chapter 11 reorganization in the U.S. Bankruptcy Court for the Southern District of New York, “in order to achieve a cost and debt structure that is industry competitive and thereby assure its long-term viability and ability to continue delivering a world-class travel experience for its customers.”

Wealthy actor-director Tyler Perry has made an attractive offer for American Airlines.  The offer, said to be near $5 billion dollars, was quickly accepted by the airline.

Perry, the creator of the “Madea” character and “House of Payne” sitcom, plans t0 rename American Airlines – “African-American Airlines”.  The new Perry run airline will be targeted to African-American passengers, but industry experts say that many white passengers will want to fly the airline – “just to be cool.”

THE WAY TOO EARLY IN THE MORNING TO UNDERSTAND THE PUNCHLINE EVEN AFTER TWO CUPS OF COFFEE JOKE OF THE DAY 

JOKE #1

Early one evening a gentleman scuttled out to his garage and pulled the lawn furniture out onto the driveway. Shortly after followed the lawnmower, a few gardening tools and a bicycle. A curious neighbor wandered over and asked if he was going to have a garage sale.

“No,” replied the gentleman, “my son just bought his first car and right now he’s getting ready for a big date.”

“So what’s with all the stuff?” asked the neighbor.

“Well, after years of moving tricycles, toys and sports equipment out of the way every time I came home from work I wanted to make sure the driveway was ready for him.”

JOKE #2

One day God was looking down at Earth and saw all of the rascally behavior that was going on. He decided to send an angel down to Earth to check it out. So he called one of His angels and sent the angel to Earth for a time. When she returned, she told God, “Yes, it is bad on Earth; 95% are misbehaving and 5% are not.” He thought for a moment and said, “Maybe I had better send down a second angel to get another opinion.”

So God called another angel and sent her to Earth for a time, too. When the angel returned she went to God and said, “Yes, the Earth is in decline; 95% are misbehaving and 5% are being good.” God was not pleased. So He decided to E-mail the 5% that were good because He wanted to encourage them…. give them a little something to help them keep going. Do you know what that E-mail said……. ? .

You didn’t get one either, huh?

JOKE #3

A priest was walking along the cliffs at Dover when he came upon two locals pulling another man ashore on the end of a rope. “That’s what I like to see”, said the priest, “A man helping his fellow man”. As he was walking away, one local remarked to the other, “Well, he sure doesn’t know the first thing about shark fishing.”

USELESS FACTS

According to results compiled by the Education Department, more than half of America’s high school seniors do not have even the most basic grasp of U.S. history. ***There is no excuse for this – none whatsoever. During the War of 1812, President Jimmy Carter, standing on the battleground of Gettysburg, said, “I Have a Dream”.  And I’m sure his dream didn’t include students failing history.

The alarm clock was not invented by the Marquis de Sade, as some suspect, but rather by a man named Levi Hutchins of Concord, New Hampshire, in 1787. Perversity, though, characterized his invention from the beginning. The alarm on his clock could ring only at 4 am.  ***Rumor has it that Hutchins’ wife murdered him on a very dark and deeply cold New England morning at 4:05.

Humans have the ability to recognize attractive faces at the age of 2 months old.  ***My mother didn’t recognize me until I was 36.

FEATURED FUNNIES

AGE QUESTION

A college professor asked his class a question.

“If Philadelphia is 100 miles from New York and Chicago is 1000 miles from Philadelphia and Los Angles is 2000 miles from Chicago, how old am I?”

One student in the back of the class raised his hand and when Called upon said, “Professor you’re 44..”

The Professor said, “You’re absolutely correct, but tell me, how did you arrive at the answer so quickly?”

The student said, “You see professor, I have a brother; he’s 22, and he’s only half crazy.”

IT MUST BE TRUE BECAUSE I HEARD IT ON THE RADIO!

THE WORD, WORD FOR WORD

Do you like really long movies? Movies that require an intermission because they’re so long? Well hang on… how about a movie that is over 2000 hours long?!?

When a book is made into a movie, it’s usually done by a screenwriter who takes the essence of the plot and some of the dialogue to produce a script. A Nashville film company has decided to take a different approach and are making a movie using a book’s text word for word! And it’s not just any book, either. It’s the Bible.  The filming for the projected 2,000-hour film has already begun and its makers believe modern day audiences will actually want the entire Bible, word for word, on video. The project has already produced the Gospels and the Acts of the Apostles on video. As new chapters are produced, they will be made available at Christian bookstores, online and through direct-mail advertising.  ***If you were to watch the whole video series non-stop, it would take you over 83 days! You might want to use the restroom BEFORE the film begins.

INSPIRATIONAL INSPIRATION

CAR TROUBLE

Fighting rush-hour traffic from suburban Maryland to Washington D.C., can cause its share of near misses and irritating moments. One morning, a young lady darted her compact car from a side street into the stream of traffic immediately in front of a driver just a few car lengths ahead of me, forcing him to brake sharply. He avoided hitting her by inches and was obviously furious. Within seconds, traffic stopped at a red light, and I watched him pull up behind the offender, leap from his car, and stride angrily toward hers. Clearly, he intended to give her a royal bawling out.
Seeing him coming, the very attractive young lady jumped from her car and ran to meet him—a big smile on her face! Before he could say one word or know what was happening, she had thrown her arms around him, hugged him tightly, and planted a passionate kiss on his lips! Then she was back in her car and driving away, leaving her antagonist standing in the middle of the street still speechless and looking somewhat confused and embarrassed—but no longer angry!

B.R. Holt, Caldwell

DRIVE TIME DEVOTIONAL

As I sped toward the station, I saw the young boy standing in the convenience store driveway. But he didn’t see me; he was watching for cars coming the other way. You guessed it–he walked directly into my car’s path.

Thank God, I had come to a virtual stop even before he started crossing the street (Hey, it looks like Driver’s Ed did paid off!). I didn’t want to blow my horn, because he was carrying a bag of groceries. When he turned and saw how close my car was, his wide eyes betrayed his shock.

I just smiled and said, “Bet you’re glad someone like me was driving. Another person might not have stopped.” He was embarrassed, but he just smiled and kept walking.

In Luke 10:25-37, Jesus told the parable of the Good Samaritan who came along at the right time. A priest and a Levite just kept motoring past the bruised and broken victim, but the Samaritan stopped and helped. That, Jesus pointed out, is true compassion.

How many times have you been just the right person to come along? How many situations have you happened upon, offering your own much-needed help in a way no one else could? Maybe you were the one walking past that young woman sitting alone on a bench. Only you asked what was wrong, so she could tell you about the relationship she just lost, or the job she’d been fired from, or the school exam she just blew. Maybe you were the one sitting in the church, listening to the pastor talk about the need for volunteer help at the local homeless shelter, and only you stepped forward to lend a hand. Or maybe you were the one who was willing to share the gospel of Jesus Christ with that person whose heart was at just the right point. Only you could be used by God to finish the work He had prepared.

Are you praying that God would use you? Maybe only you will be the right person to come along.

LEFTOVERS

DOUBLE-TAKE

Twin sisters were just hired to teach the same class at an England University.

Twin sisters are sharing the same job because their new bosses couldn’t choose which of them to employ. Bosses at the University of Northumbria couldn’t choose between Sarah and Liz Partington, who have the same qualifications. The twins decided they should share the lecturing job they both applied for. Their nine GCSE results and four A-levels are identical. They got 2:1 degrees in psychology, Masters degrees in sports psychology. They then went on to gain PhDs from Exeter University. Sarah says, “We applied for the job hoping one of us might have a chance. We never expected both of us to get it. We’ve always been interested in the same things. We thought once we started looking for lecturing jobs it would all come to an end.” The twins live together in Newcastle and teach sports science. Their boss Prof John Lyle said: “They were the best people for the job and we decided to offer the job to them both.”

LIFE… LIVE IT

DOING DISHES DEEMED DANGEROUS

Good news men! Next time your wife tries to get you to do housework, tell them that it’s bad for your health!

Whoo hoo! It’s official… housework is bad for you! Okay, granted, we got this information from a tabloid newspaper called The National Examiner, but hey, any excuse to get out of doing chores, right? The report shows that taking a walk in the fresh air is better for you than doing housework. Dr. Debbie Lawlor, who leads a research team at Bristol University in England, surveyed 2,300 women ages 60 to 79 and found that those who regularly take a 2-hour stroll are less likely to become overweight and suffer the physical ailments that go with obesity than women stuck inside with the vacuum and broom.

JUST FOR FUN

Imagine being a janitor – and getting an all expense paid trip to Paris to train for that position!

Two cleaners from a natural history museum in Sweden are being sent on an all-expense paid trip to Paris in order for them to study. So what are they going to study? Well, they’re cleaners… so they’re going to study cleaning! The women are expected to visit several museums and see how the French cleaners work. ***MARLAR: After all… you have to have training, otherwise you may end up using something like brooms, rags, and mops incorrectly!

FUN LIST

REASONS SANTA MIGHT BE LATE THIS YEAR

  • He forgot to gas up before he left home.
  • He used Yahoo maps for directions.
  • He stopped off for a Big Gulp before he left the North Pole and now he’s having to take a LOT of extra bathroom breaks.
  • He converted his sled over to a hybrid and while it gets better mileage, if just doesn’t have the speed that it used to.

MORE SHOW PREP STUFF…

CUTS LIKE A KNIFE

There are lots of jobs one could do in the circus… but having knives thrown at you? Personally, I think it’d be safer to clean the tiger cages! Around 20 people have applied for the position after an advertisement appeared in a Brighton Job Center. Paul Webb of Cottle and Austen Circus says the ideal candidate must have nerves of steel (not to mention armor plating!). He doesn’t really care who gets the job… there’s no age limit and it can be a man or a woman in the position of “knife thrower’s assistant.” They need to fill the position soon, as the previous target wants to work on different acts with the circus. ***MARLAR: So if you’re already being stabbed in the back at your current job…

OTHER STUFF I WANT TO CRAM INTO TODAY’S PREP

Smart phones have brought with them a whole new language made up entirely of acronym. But how well do you know what all those abbreviations mean? Now you can find out. A new quiz tests your acronym IQ by asking you to decipher a list of the abbreviations being used on cell phones across the USA. http://visual.ly/whats-your-acronym-iq

It has long been known that when you skimp on sleep, you’re far more likely to overeat, make poor food choices and gain weight. But why? Researchers from the University of Chicago Medical Center have figured it. The short answer: Too little sleep gives you the munchies. The long answer: Sleep loss amplifies and extends blood levels of a chemical signal that enhances the joy of eating, particularly the guilty pleasures gained from sweet or salty, high-fat snack foods. Fourteen sleep-deprived participants in this study, all of whom were young, healthy volunteers, were unable to resist cookies, candy and chips — even though they had consumed a meal that supplied 90 percent of their daily caloric needs two hours before. The effects of sleep loss on appetite were most powerful in the late afternoon and early evening, times when snacking has been linked to weight gain. During that period, sleep-restricted study subjects reported higher scores for hunger and a stronger desire to eat. When given access to snacks, they ate nearly twice as much fat as when they had slept for eight hours. The takeaway: When you get less than five hours of sleep, it will likely result in binge-eating the next day to the tune of an extra 300 calories.

Are you a coffee drinker?  Let’s talk about that coffeemaker at hour house.  That warm, damp reservoir is a bacteria mecca. An NSF Internal study found both yeast and mold were common, and 9 % of coffeemakers turned up coliform, a group of fecal bacteria that include E. Coli. Do yourself a favor and every month or two, fill the reservoir with white vinegar, wait 30 minutes, and run a normal brew cycle. Run a few pots of water until the vinegar smell dissipates. We do this at my house and I can actually tell a difference in the taste of the coffee.

Here is a real nail biter. Medical experts are no longer saying chewing your fingernails is a bad habit… it’s now a mental disorder. Millions of people just cannot help biting their nails down to the quick and that classifies them as someone who has a full-fledged obsessive-compulsive disorder, according to the American Psychiatric Association.  So nail biting is now up there up there with other OCD habits such as repetitive hand washing and hair pulling. The mental disease is characterized by unreasonable thoughts and fears that lead to such repetitive behavior. But don’t fret if you know someone who occasionally nibbles on their nails; it is only worrisome if the action becomes destructive, including damaging the hands or triggering repeated infections, say the experts. “As with hair pulling and skin picking, nail biting is not a disorder unless it is impairing, distressing, and meets a certain clinical level of severity,” notes psychiatrist Dr. Carol Mathews, of the University of California, San Francisco. She says, “That is not the vast majority of nail biters.”

AND I LEAVE YOU WITH THIS THOUGHT

We have a group of school kids touring the station. The teacher just used me as an example of how they might wind up if they don’t get an education.

THE TICKET Movie Reviews with MARIE ASNER

Marie Asner has been reviewing films for over 30 years. Her outlets include radio, print and Internet. For more in-depth movie reviews of the following films, visit www.Tollbooth.org. Ratings from 1 (Low) to 5 (High).

DECEMBER 09, 2016…

 

Miss Sloane—Jessica Chastain takes on the role of a woman lobbyist in a business that has a glass ceiling. She wants to get a bill through Congress for tighter background checks on gun sales.  Good luck. Also in the cast are Mark Strong and Gugu Mbatha-Raw. “Miss Sloane” is rated R. Rating of 2 for fans.

 

Office Christmas Party—This is what happens when one person in a firm tries to impress a prospective client with the party-to-end-all-parties. Does anything go right?  The cast includes Jennifer Lawrence, Jason Bateman and T. J. Miller. “Office Christmas Party” is rated R. Rating of 2 for fans.

 

DECEMBER 16, 2016 thru JANUARY 01, 2017…

 

Jackie—Natalie Portman takes on the role of Jacqueline Kennedy. Bring hanky.

Sing—an animated film for the family about an animal vocal contest.

The Space Between Us—New date for opening and about a boy born on Mars.

Gold—Matthew McConaughey stars as a hustler who will do anything to win.

Why Him?—James Franco is the son-in-law no one wants.

Paterson—Adam Driver stars as a bus driver who is reticent and his wife who loves life.

A Monster Calls—new opening for this movie about a boy coping with grief who has a monster as a friend.

Live By Night—directed and stars Ben Affleck and concerns the life of gangsters.

Manchester By The Sea—new opening and stars Casey Affleck (Ben’s brother) who takes care of his nephew during a tragedy.

Hidden Figures—True story of African-American women mathematicians who helped put the astronauts in orbit.

20th Century Women—concerns three generations of woman coping with life. Stars Annette Bening.

Julieta—a Spanish language film of trying to find a lost daughter.

Collateral Beauty—Will Smith’s friends help him cope with tragedy.

Fences—Denzel Washington in a screen adaptation of the Broadway play.

The Founder—Michael Keaton plays Ray Kroc, who turned McDonalds’ into a fortune.

A Kind of Murder—Patrick Wilson stars in a tangled thriller.

Neruda—story of the South American poet.

Rogue One: A Star Wars Story—Felicity Jones stars in this saga that should take“Star Wars” fans over the holidays.

Assassins Creed—Michael Fassbinder in an adaptation of the video game.

Passengers—Jennifer Lawrence as a person who awakens during a space flight to another planet and has to help others.

 

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