December 10, 2015: Thursday ONAIRprep

***RADIO ISN’T DEAD – From RadioIsntDead.com

***DAILY DOSE OF WEIRD NEWS – FREE TO AIR! (Contact me to sign up!)

***CREATION MOMENTS MINUTE – FREE TO AIR! (Contact me to sign up!)

PRINTER FRIENDLY VERSION: 20151210

 

 

WELCOME TO THE SHOW!

Welcome to (THE JOCK SHOW)! Please don’t stare at the radio because it’s not polite.

 

 

BIBLE VERSE OF THE DAY

I tell you, whoever acknowledges me before men, the Son of Man will also acknowledge him before the angels of God. –Luke 12:8

 

Psalm 25:4-5 

Show me your ways, Lord,

teach me your paths.

Guide me in your truth and teach me,

for you are God my Savior,

and my hope is in you all day long.

 

Jesus said, “I tell you the truth, I am the gate for the sheep; whoever enters through me will be saved. He will come in and go out and find pasture. The thief comes only to steal and kill and destroy; I have come that they may have life, and have it the full.” — John 10:7,9-10

 

 

HEARTLIGHT DAILY VERSE, PRAYER & THOUGHT

(From VerseOfTheDay.com)

In all these things we are more than conquerors through him who loved us. — Romans 8:37

 

Thought: Are we really conquerors despite “trouble or hardship or persecution or famine or nakedness or danger or sword”? Yes! That is the ultimate Christian assurance. Nothing can separate us from God’s love in Christ. The Evil One and his allies can kill our bodies, ruin our finances, wrack our bodies with pain, and seek to destroy our relationships. However, the Evil One cannot have our hearts when they are surrendered to Jesus. And when our hearts belong to Jesus, so does our future! The empty tomb of Jesus assures us that our future with him is glorious, victorious, and unending.

 

Prayer: Give me eyes to see, O God, and a heart to believe that Jesus’ victory over death is my victory, too! I don’t want to be derailed from my hope, faith, and love by the difficulties of life. Instead, I want to be a living testimony to your power, victory, and grace. In Jesus’ name, and for his glory, I live and pray. Amen.

 

The Thoughts and Prayers for Today’s Verse are written by Phil Ware. You can email questions or comments to phil@heartlight.org.

 

 

BIRTHDAY VERSE” OF THE DAY

The chapter and verse corresponds to the month and the day!

Job 12:10 NIV = In his hand is the life of every creature and the breath of all mankind.

 

 

TODAY IS THURSDAY – DECEMBER 10, 2015

(NOTE: Some holidays may be duplicated due to various calendars reporting conflicting dates)
WEIRD, WACKY, STRANGE, ZANY, ODD, BIZARRE, QUIRKY, UNUSUAL HOLIDAYS!
THERE ARE ONLY 15 SHOPPING DAYS UNTIL CHRISTMAS.  

 

Today is DO SOMETHING WILD AND CRAZY WITH VELVEETA DAY. ***MARLAR: Actually, shouldn’t you be doing something CHEESY with Velveeta?

 

1989: The government-owned Ugandan phone company cut off service to the Ugandan government itself for failing to pay its overdue bill of $5.4-million. ***MARLAR: Proving once again that government should not be in charge of anybody’s checkbook… including their own.

 

Today is MIGHTY MOUSE PLAYHOUSE DAY, marking debut of the popular Tuesday, morning cartoon show on this day in 1955. (

)

 

 

TODAY IS ALSO. . .

Dewey Decimal System Day

Human Rights Day

Jane Addams Day

Nobel Prize Day

 

 

COMING UP NEXT

FRIDAY, DECEMBER 11

International Mountain Day

Official Lost & Found Day

UNICEF Birthday

 

SATURDAY, DECEMBER 12

Day Of The Horse

Gingerbread Decorating Day

International Shareware Day

National 12-Hour Fresh Breath Day

National Cocoa Day

National Wreaths Across America Day

Our Lady of Guadalupe Day

Poinsettia Day

 

SUNDAY, DECEMER 13

Pick a Pathologist Pal Day

Worldwide Candle Lighting Day

World Choral Day

 

MONDAY, DECEMER 14

Green Monday

Monkey Day

 

TUESDAY, DECEMBER 15

Bill of Rights Day

Cat Herders Day

 

WEDNESDAY, DECEMBER 16

Barbie and Barney Backlash Day

National Chocolate-covered Anything Day

Zionism Day

 

THURSDAY, DECEMBER 17

Clean Air Day

Free Shipping Day

National Re-gifting Day

Wright Brothers Day

 

 

ON THIS DAY

1607: Captain John Smith left Jamestown, Virginia, on a trip where he would meet Pocahontas. ***MARLAR: Ironically, he sounded a lot like Mel Gibson.

 

1869: Women were granted the right to vote in the Wyoming Territory.

 

1931: Jane Addams became a co-recipient of the Nobel Peace Prize, the first American woman to receive the prize.

 

1949: Fats Domino recorded “The Fat Man” in New Orleans. It would become his first million-seller.

 

1958: The first passenger jet flight took place in the U.S. as a National Airlines Boeing 707 flew 111 passengers from New York to Miami in about two and a-half hours.

 

1963: Six-year-old Donny Osmond made his singing debut on “The Andy Williams Show.”

 

1964: The Rev. Martin Luther King Jr. received the Nobel Peace Prize in Oslo.

 

1967: Singer Otis Redding died in the crash of his private plane in Wisconsin.

 

1989: The government-owned Ugandan phone company cut off service to the Ugandan government for failing to pay its overdue bill of $5.4-million. ***MARLAR: Yep, the government cut off service to itself because it wouldn’t pay it’s own bills.

 

1993: Donald Trump married Marla Maples in the Grand Ballroom of Trump’s Plaza hotel in New York City. Guests included Susan Lucci, Howard Stern, Bianca Jagger, Evander Holyfield, and O.J. Simpson.

 

1995: A London survey listed veteran Phil Collins as Britain’s top-earning rock star with $37-million dollars for the year. Elton John was #2 with $19.4-million, followed by Eric Clapton, Sting, and Annie Lennox.

 

2003: A man who stole a police car from outside a Sao Paulo police station in Brazil was arrested after he crashed into a tree just a few yards away. The 23-year-old thief was trapped in the wreckage and had to be freed by police. The man was treated for minor injuries and taken straight to jail.

 

 

TODAY IN CHRISTIAN HISTORY

1520: Martin Luther publicly burned the papal bull excommunicating him.

 

1561: German theologian Caspar Schwenkfeld, a reformer who fell out of favor with the “mainstream” Reformation movement because of his Christology (he believed Christ’s humanity was deified), dies.

 

1824: Scottish writer and poet George MacDonald, whose fairy tales and mythopoetic novels inspired C.S. Lewis, is born.

 

1871: Edward, Prince of Wales, lies gravely ill. His wife, Alexandria, picks up her Bible and reads these words “Call on me in the day of trouble and I will answer you.” She believes and asks both nation and church to pray. Four days later, Edward takes a turn for the better. Thirty years later, at his coronation, he remembers and has these words included in the ceremony: “I called to you in the day of trouble and you heard me.”

 

 

HOLLYWOOD, SPORTS AND CELEBRITY FIGURE BIRTHDAYS

  • Actress (“The Cosby Show’s” Olivia Kendall, “Hangin’ With Mr. Cooper”) Raven-Symone Peerman, 28 (
    )
  • Actor (Wild Wild West, Dead Again) Kenneth Branagh, 53
  • Actress Nia Peeples, 52
  • Actress (“LA Law,” “The Partridge Family”) Susan Dey, 61 (
    )
  • actor (Joe Hardy on “The Hardy Boys”) Tommy Kirk 71
  • Actor (Mike Douglas on “My Three Sons”) Tim Considine, 73 (
    )

 

 

BEE-BOP BIRTHDAYS

(Music Artist Birthdays From SongFacts.com)

1822 : Cesar Franck

1906 : Harold Adamson

1910 : John Hammond

1914 : Dorothy Lamour

1918 : Professor Longhair

1924 : Ken Albers (The Four Freshmen)

1926 : Guitar Slim

1927 : Joe Olivier (Bill Haley And His Comets)

1943 : Chad Stuart (Chad & Jeremy)

1946 : Ace Kefford (The Move)

1946 : Walter “Clyde” Orange (The Commodores)

1948 : Jessica Cleaves (Friends of Distinction)

1948 : Ralph Tavares (Tavares)

1951 : Johnny Rodriguez

1952 : Susan Dey (The Partridge Family)

1966 : Timothy Christian Riley (Tony! Toni! Tone!)

1971 : Scot Alexander (Dishwalla)

1974 : Meg White (The White Stripes)

 

 

SECRETS OF THE UNIVERSE

Did cavemen ever really exist?

Were there cavemen and were they really the primitive beings we often see pictured as brutes in evolutionary books? Here’s a very simple definition of cavemen. They’re men who live in caves! And there are people today who live in caves in various places in the world. But were cavemen primitive beings? Not at all. Evolutionary scientists have indoctrinated people to think that cavemen used stone tools to tear up meat, and probably burned it over an open fire, but in Japan, scientists discovered evidence of cavemen who actually built ovens. And as the scientists said, they showed a high degree of sophistication in food preparation. The researchers went on to say that using such stone ovens allows a person to cook more delicately without charring the meat. So these cavemen certainly don’t sound like brutish creatures. Who were they then? After the tower of Babel, people spread out over the Earth, and some of them began living in caves. It’s that simple. (Creation Tips and Answers In Genesis)

 

 

CHRISTIAN ARTIST NEWS

Do you like the Christian Artist News you see below? It’s just a tiny sample of the 5-6 pages of material you could be receive every weekday… and it’s FREE! Become one of their subscribers at ChristianRadioShowPrepServices.com!

 

Former DC Talk and Audio Adrenaline member Kevin Max this weekend commented on Christmas music. He tweeted: ‘If I had to make another Christmas album it would be taking cues from music much older than the classics- baroque, gregorian & medieval.’

 

Hawk Nelson’s Jon Steingard says it’s official: Canadiannness has left me. The native of Canada posted: Today, in below freezing weather, I walked past a Tim Hortons and went to Starbucks. Although Jon was born and raised in Canada, he now lives in LA.

 

Some truth from Love and the Outcome. Chris and Jodi posted over the weekend: I thought that my life would suddenly improve if I got a leather jacket; and I was literally 100% totally right.

 

Britt Nicole wears beanies practically every day so it’s appropriate that she now has her own Britt Nicole Beanies. They are available in her online store at brittnicole.com

https://www.instagram.com/p/-5p-PKgScB/

 

A tip for recording music from Jamie Grace: Bathrooms have great acoustics.

 

Jamie Grace was getting a lot of love in Iowa over the weekend. She tweeted: I am so giggly right now. The post came after she received not one, but two offers for a date at the local Taco John’s after that evenings show. Jamie responded: I’m not a fancy girl. Taco Johns blessed my life this afternoon. I might be moving to Iowa, y’all.

 

Jamie Grace was having some fun on snap chat over the weekend. She tweeted: I’m riding through college hallways on a large tricycle interrupting sports practices.

 

A recommendation for worship leaders from Casting Crown’s Mark Hall. He shared a picture of a fresh pack of voice tea over the weekend and said: IF YOU ARE A SINGER, this is what you need for Christmas! I drink it every time I take the stage. It has done more for my voice than any tea I’ve ever tried.  (I have to wonder if this might be good for those of us working in radio as well!)

https://www.instagram.com/p/-4WIkrDkd9/

 

Hawk Nelson’s Jon Steingard was showing off his 1st Christmas present this year over the weekend. It was a copy of Mercyme’s new Christmas CD given to him by the members of the band themselves.

 

Hawk Nelson’s Jon Steingard is a native of Canada but now lives in LA. This week he flew into Minneapolis on his way to join up with the God’s Not Dead tour and reported that it was 21 degrees. Jon posted: My canadianness has worn off. This is COLD!!!

 

 

NEWS KICKERS

(No news on the weekends. Audio clips are only valid for a few days before being removed from our servers.)

 

NEW NEWS KICKERS…

Crystal Pepsi is making a comeback after fans campaigned for its return. You can enter a chance to win your own six-pack of the low-sodium, caffeine-free product through a sweepstakes on PepsiPass.com. Pepsi is giving away 13,000 six-packs. ***Likely still wearing neon clothes with geometric shapes.  (AUDIO: Crystal Pepsi returns from 1992.)

 

Police say an Albuquerque man wanted his mother’s traditional New Mexican stew so much he broke into her home and stole it. Twenty-three-year-old Jonathan Ray was arrested after he ignored his mother’s orders to stay away from the stew, which she was making for the holidays.  *** This doofus is 23-years-old?  Sounds like someone was raised with a lot of participation trophies.

 

Still more than a week before the premiere, some “Star Wars” fans are already lining up to see “The Force Awakens.”  ***I wouldn’t worry about them too much though – not a one of them has a social life outside of this, so this is the greatest moment of their lives.  (AUDIO: Jeff Nguyen from CBS Los Angeles interviews campers.)

 

In the spirit of inspiring more Americans to increase their charitable giving this holiday season, WalletHub analyzed eight key metrics such as volunteer rate, the percentage of taxpayers who donated to charity and growth in charitable giving. The study found that the most charitable states in the nation are Utah, Maryland, Idaho, Oregon, and South Dakota. On the other had, states list as the least charitable include Kentucky, Arizona, California, Louisiana, and Rhode Island.  ***Dead last on the list… Washington D.C.  Okay, actually I don’t know that – but it sounds right, doesn’t it?

 

 

NEWS KICKER EVERGREENS…

Drink every day? Get drunk once in awhile? You might be an alcoholic. Or not. A new study shows most people who drink to get drunk are not alcoholics. The finding, from a government survey of 138,100 adults, counters the conventional wisdom that every “falling-down drunk” must be addicted to alcohol. Instead, the results from the National Survey on Drug Use and Health show that nine out of 10 people who drink too much are not addicts, and can change their behavior with a little prompting.  ***MARLAR: Like telling them the bar is closed.

 

Researchers say guppies are able to reproduce after they die. ***Big deal. Tupac has released 17 CD’s since he died.

 

You’re sitting in a freshly dry walled house, drinking coffee from a plastic foam cup and talking on a cellphone. Which of these is most likely to be a cancer risk?  It might be the sitting, especially if you do that a lot.  Despite all the recent news about possible cancer risks from cellphones, coffee, styrene, and formaldehyde in building materials, most of us probably face little if any danger from these things with ordinary use, health experts say. Inactivity and obesity may pose a greater cancer risk than chemicals for some people.  ***MARLAR: This is an important less folks.  If you’re going to be near drywall, drinking coffee in a Styrofoam cup while talking on a cellphone, be sure to stand up while doing so.

 

A new study shows one in four high school students drink soda every day – a sign fewer teens are downing the sugary drinks.  The study also found teens drink water, milk and fruit juices most often – a pleasant surprise, because researchers weren’t certain that was the case.  “We were very pleased to see that,” said the study’s lead author, Nancy Bener of the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention.  Still, a quarter have at least one soda each day. And when other sugary drinks like Gatorade are also counted, the figure is closer to two-thirds of high school students drinking a sweetened beverage every day. ***MARLAR: The remaining one-third of teens who don’t drink sweetened beverages each day typically can’t do so because they’re dweebs and stuck inside a locker.

 

 

WONDER WOMAN

CLICK HERE TO DOWNLOAD TODAY’S EPISODE… “Olives”

 

 

DAILY COMEDY CLIP

CLICK HERE TO DOWNLOAD TODAY’S EPISODE… Michelle Krajecki, “Victoria’s Secret”

 

 

AS THE JUNGLE TURNS – WEEKDAY VERSION

CLICK HERE TO DOWNLOAD WEDNESDAY’S EPISODE
CHRISTMAS EPISODE!

 

OPEN: And now, FancyMonkey.com, (Show Name), and (Station Call Letters) bring you As the Jungle Turns! When last we left the jungle island of Razzleflabbin, Marvy Snuffleson discovered that Olaf’s most prized possession is a race track with no cars… and Karl’s most prized possession is a bicycle with no tires! Strange possessions – and things are about to get even more strange!

 

CLOSE: But if he sells the race track, what will happen on Christmas Day when Karl gives him race cars? Find out next time, As the Jungle Turns!

 

 

AS THE JUNGLE TURNS – SATURDAY/SUNDAY VERSION

CLICK HERE TO DOWNLOAD THE EPISODE FOR THE WEEKEND OF DECEMBER 12/13

 

OPEN: And now, FancyMonkey.com, (Show Name), and (Station Call Letters) bring you As the Jungle Turns! Last time, all of the jungle animals, not being able to figure out what to do with their day, decided to leave the decision up to a new animal… a small lion. And because lions are known as “the king of the jungle” they left the decision up to the little lion as to what to do… and he wanted lunch!

 

CLOSE: I know it’s good to be the king, and the animals think that they need a king to make decisions, but it doesn’t look as if the little lion has much of an idea on what to do with his royal position! Find out what happens next time, As the Jungle Turns!

 

***You may simulcast “As the Jungle Turns” on the Internet stream of your live broadcast only. Any other Internet use of As the Jungle Turns in whole or part including podcasting of your live broadcast is a violation of copyright law. Thank you for your cooperation on this vitally important issue. If you have any questions, please e-mail us.

 

 

MOMENT OF DUH

Police officers are the ones getting the speeding tickets on today’s Moment of Duh!

Some Washington D.C. police officers are slowing down their response to emergencies because if they are caught by speeding cameras – even when they are on official police duty responding to emergencies – they must pay the speeding fine. The chairman of the Metropolitan Police Department’s union labor committee says, “Officers are getting crazy tickets, in their cars on duty from the speed and red-light cameras. A lot of them have actually had to pay the fines.” The city’s position? The city wants to be certain that police are following the traffic laws and if an officer can prove they were responding to an emergency, the ticket will be cancelled which, the police say, is not always so easy to prove.

 

 

TOP TEN

TOP TEN DIFFERENCES BETWEEN A CHRISTMAS TREE AND A DATE

 

  1. A Christmas tree is ready when you go to pick it up.

 

  1. A Christmas tree won’t retaliate if you dump it after a month.

 

  1. You don’t need a clever line to pick up a Christmas tree.

 

  1. A Christmas tree doesn’t become envious when you look at other trees.

 

  1. The tree doesn’t get upset when you tie it up and put it in the trunk to take it home.

 

  1. You never have to sit there and wait 20-minutes while your Christmas Tree finishes getting ready for the big company Christmas Party!

 

  1. How many times have you heard a Christmas Tree complain that all you do on Sunday is lie-around all day, watching football?

 

  1. When you’ve had enough of your Christmas Tree all you have to do is drag it out in to the woods, or toss it on the curb to have it hauled away.

 

  1. Your Christmas Tree never orders the lobster bisk and Champaign. All it wants is water!

 

  1. It doesn’t matter what a Christmas Tree wears, they always look fat in it! (So who cares?)

 

 

THE FILES OF LAW & DISORDER

Note to Santa: Make sure you have plenty of cash on you when you visit Switzerland, because a couple of banks won’t allow you in… 

 

FILE #1: …two Swiss banks have decided to bar Santa Claus and his helpers from entering their branches for fear they will turn out to be robbers in festive disguise. Both UBS and Raiffeisenbank told staff not to admit Father Christmas and his aides into their banks. His elves are not allowed in either.

 

FILE #2: Police in Greenville, Pennsylvania, were able to track down the “Grinch who stole Thanksgiving” before the crook could gobble all the evidence.  Paul Anderson broke into a home stealing a family’s fully cooked, partially eaten turkey, as well as some side dishes, too! Witnesses saw Anderson trying to navigate his way down a street with the relish tray, full of goodies, balanced on top of a box holding the turkey. Police were easily able to track him down through the trail of deviled eggs, carrot sticks and bits of celery he dropped along the way that led right to his house! The owner of the missing turkey had left the bird behind when going to visit someone that evening.

 

FILE #3: Barbara Joyner of Callahan, Florida attempted to rob the South Carolina Bank & Trust by slipping a note into the tube at the drive-through. The teller was able to inform the manager, who called 911, and the police (located just down the street) arrived in less than a minute. Joyner took off without any cash, leading the officers on a brief chase through the parking lots of two stores before stopping.

 

STRANGE LAW: Canned corn is not to be used as bait for fishing in the state of Oregon.

 

 

THIS IS YOUR BRAIN ON DRUGS

It’s not just the Grinch that steals Christmas trees.

Police in Pullman, Washington, responded to a noise complaint at a house near Washington State University, but got no answer at the door. As the officer was writing a ticket, he noticed very drunk men approaching the house. Both were wearing long wigs and women’s clothing from the 1980s. One carried a fraternity plaque, and the other was carrying an apparently stolen, fully-decorated Christmas tree. The one with the tree claimed a friend gave it to him, then ran away. Police are still searching for him.

 

 

PHONER PHUN

I have an unusual Christmas tradition where I go through the drive-thru somewhere and pay for the person behind me. I do it once or twice each Christmas. Do you have any Christmas traditions that are unique and fun?

 

 

BIBLE BRAIN BUSTER!

QUESTION: What king was referred to by Jesus as “that fox?”
ANSWER: Herod (Luke 13:31)

 

 

QUESTION IMPOSSIBLE

QUESTION: What does the “57” on the Heinz Ketchup bottles represent?

ANSWER: 57 is the number of varieties of pickles the company once had.

 

 

TRUE OR FALSE

Pay attention! If our next player doesn’t answer all ten T/F questions correctly we start all over from question #1! First person to answer question #10 correctly is our winner!

 

  1. The longest one-syllable word in the English language is “cheered”. (False… “screeched”)

 

  1. On a Canadian two dollar bill, the flag flying over the Parliament building is an American flag. (True)

 

  1. No word in the English language rhymes with orange. (True… same goes for month, silver, and purple)

 

  1. Almonds are a member of the legume family. (False… they’re a part of the peach family!)

 

  1. Winston Churchill was born in his mother’s home. (False… he was born in a ladies’ room during a dance)

 

  1. Maine is the only state whose name is just one syllable. (True)

 

  1. Los Angeles’ is actually an abbreviation of its full name. (True… the full name is “El Pueblo de Nuestra Senora la Reina de Los Angeles de Porciuncula.”)

 

  1. A cat has 20 muscles in each ear. (False… it’s actually 32)

 

  1. A duck’s quack does not have an echo… even in the Grand Canyon. (True… and no one knows why)

 

  1. Each king in a deck of playing cards represents a great king from history. (True… Spades – King David; Clubs – Alexander the Great; Hearts – Charlemagne; and Diamonds – Julius Caesar)

 

 

TABLOID MATCH GAME

You have to match the blank in the tabloid headline with the word or phrase that has been removed!

WOOLY MAMMOTH _____ (CLONED)

JAPAN –  Scientists have cloned a wooly mammoth!

A Japanese scientist has successfully cloned a real, actual woolly mammoth!  There will be  a real Jurassic Park in Japan.

“It took five years of hard work, but our team of genetic engineers pulled it off,” said Japanese Science Minister, Arata Aoi.

Scientists around the world are concerned because mammoths may use their special frog DNA to become hermaphroditic, and then they breed, and then they would be able to use their tusks to murder countless numbers of citizens and there won’t be much authorities will be able to do.

“Bullets won’t affect Mammoths,” said Assistant Secretary of Defense, Chris Blanton.  “If they breed like I’ve heard they do, I think they only way to stop them will be to drop another A-Bomb on Japan.  That will be the only way to stop these vicious animals.”

Dr. Daiki Ikaki of Kyoto University is thrilled about cloning the mammoths and is excited to clone as many as twenty-five before the end of January.

“The success rate in the cloning of cattle was poor until recently but now stands at about 98 per cent with my new cloning technique,” he said. “I think the mammoths that we clone will all be healthy and will have long, normal mammoth lives.”

 

 

THE WAY TOO EARLY IN THE MORNING TO UNDERSTAND THE PUNCHLINE EVEN AFTER TWO CUPS OF COFFEE JOKE OF THE DAY

JOKE #1

A church was preparing for Christmas services. The pastor decided he wanted a banner made for the entryway and had a parishioner call the sign company.

The parishioner told the man on the phone the message he wanted and the dimensions needed for the entryway.

The sign came back a few days later… “Unto Mary Jesus was born, six feet long and two feet wide.”

 

JOKE #2

The old Cherokee chief sat in his reservation hut, smoking the ceremonial pipe, eyeing the two US government officials sent to interview him.

“Chief Two Eagles,” one official began, “you have observed the white man for many generations, you have seen his wars and his products, you have seen all his progress, and all his problems.” 
The chief nodded.

The official continued, “Considering recent events, in your opinion, where has the white man gone wrong?”

The chief stared at the government officials for over a minute, and then calmly replied: “When white man found this land, Indians were running it. No taxes. No debt. Plenty buffalo. Plenty beaver. Women did most of the work. Medicine man free. Indian men hunted and fished all the time.”

The chief smiled, and added quietly, “White man dumb enough to think he could improve system like that.”

 

JOKE #3

A man came home from the office and found his new bride sobbing convulsively. “I feel terrible,” she told him. “I was pressing your suit and I burned a big hole in the seat of your trousers.”

“Oh, just forget it,” consoled her husband. “Remember that I’ve got an extra pair of pants for that suit.”

“Yes, I know. And it’s lucky you have!” said the woman, drying her eyes. “I was able to use a piece from them to patch the hole!”

 

 

USELESS FACTS

Officials in Key West, Florida are fining people found begging on the street. If you beg in Key West, it’s $500 for each offense. ***MARLAR: But then, if they had the $500 to pay the fine, what reason would they have to go begging?

 

The Preventive Medicine Society of China reports that 60 percent of people in rural areas of the country have never brushed their teeth. ***MARLAR: Here’s the strange thing… I checked it out this morning; my toothbrush is stamped “Made in China.”

 

 

FEATURED FUNNIES

THE NIGHT BEFORE CHRISTMAS… TEXAS STYLE

T’was the night before Christmas, in Texas, you know.
Way out on the prairie, without any snow.
Asleep in their cabin, were Buddy and Sue,
A dreamin’ of Christmas, like me and you.
Not stockings, but boots, at the foot of their bed,
For this was Texas, what more need be said,

 

When all of a sudden, from out of the still night,
There came such a ruckus, it gave me a fright.
And I saw ‘cross the prairie, like a shot from a gun,
A loaded up buckboard, come on at a run,

 

The driver was “Geein” and “Hawin”, with a will,
The horses (not reindeer) he drove with such skill.
“Come on there Buck, Poncho, & Prince, to the right,
There’ll be plenty of travelin’ for you all tonight.”

 

The driver in Levi’s and a shirt that was red,
Had a ten-gallon Stetson on top of his head.
As he stepped from the buckboard, he was really a sight,
With his beard and moustache, so curly and white.

 

As he burst in the cabin, the children awoke,
And were so astonished, that neither one spoke.
And he filled up their boots with such presents galore,
That neither could think of a single thing more.

 

When Buddy recovered the use of his jaws,
He asked in a whisper, “Are you really Santa Claus?”
“Am I the real Santa? Well, what do you think?”
And he smiled as he gave a mysterious wink.
Then he leaped in his buckboard and called back in his drawl,
“To all the children in Texas, Merry Christmas, y’all”

 

 

IT MUST BE TRUE BECAUSE I HEARD IT ON THE RADIO!

I used to drive a school bus, so this next story is particularly close to my heart.

25 High School students from South Johnston High in North Carolina gave bus driver Linda Massengill all she could handle. Part way home on bus No. 410, some students started to pick on another student when Linda asked them to quiet down. The students got louder and started cursing at the girl. So, Linda pulled up to the local police station and told a student to go in a find an officer. Capt. Kenneth Edwards strode onto the bus only to hear students shouting obscenities AT HIM! Edwards took matters into his own hands and arrested and charged 5 students with disorderly conduct. They were taken to the Johnston County Jail and released on $300 bond.

 

 

INSPIRATIONAL INSPIRATION

I’m a tree in Bible-times Israel, and never thought I’d see the day when a prophet of God would rest under my branches….not in delight, but in discouragement. A saint of God discouraged? How can it be? Must be that these humans are very human–even the saintly ones! Of course, I’ll shade him from the heat of the day; I’ll reach out to offer as much help as I can–but then I’m just a tree. Wait…there’s a sound and a smell….Someone’s COOKING a meal on these premises. What is going on? I peek through my branches–and to my astonishment, I see an ANGEL cooking a meal for the tired-out, worn-out, way-down prophet of God under MY tree. GOD must have sent that angel to do what I could not do–He must understand discouragement. Know what? Seems like He doesn’t FAULT it, either – instead, He sends an angel to bring His discouraged saint some nourishment. …And the tree lovingly bowed its branches a little lower to offer Elijah the shade he so sorely needed that day. God must surely love Elijah–and I reckon He loves YOU too–if you’re sitting under my tree, also discouraged and disheartened. Don’t give up hope – He sees, He knows, and He has an angel on the way to uplift you too!

“Why art thou cast down, O my soul? And why art thou disquieted within me? Hope in God; and I shall yet praise him, who is the health of my countenance, and my God (Psalm 43:5).”

Trees don’t talk–unless you’re a writer and you MAKE them talk–and that’s what I’m about to do! First, let’s take a stroll in the Ozarks and enjoy the gorgeous fall foliage in our part of the world–about to fall down and create a couple of raking chores for two rascal sons who would rather rack up Nintendo points…they are expert “tale-talkers” and will try to talk their way out of work – but TREES? Surely, they don’t talk…..or do they? When you hear YOURSELF talking to YOURSELF, you know you’ve got problems (and I do it all the time – grin), BUT when you hear TREES TALKING to you, you’d better come up with a good, logical reason for this phenomenon, or the little men in the white coats will be knocking at your door…….Before I answer it, let me share with you how the trees are talking to me – if they talk to you too, I’ll know we’re both either in the “don’t-go-there zone” OR we’ve just discovered another FUN way to remember God’s Word…..for when TREES TALK, we REMEMBER! Let’s go talk to the trees – I mean, let’s be quiet and let THEM talk to us!

 

 

DRIVE TIME DEVOTIONAL

(modified from Campus Journal)

If two hundred people showed up on your doorstep tomorrow needing food and shelter, what would you do?

Imagine sitting at home one evening in Cold Bay, Alaska, a town of about 88 people. You’re about to eat dinner when there’s a deafening roar overhead. Knick-knacks shake, dogs bark, and neighbors start pounding on your door. Soon the whole town is gathered at the old WWII airstrip. There sits an airliner, stopped short on its flight from Los Angeles to Tokyo by smoke in the cabin.

As the shock wears off, you wonder what the 220 strangers are going to eat and where they’re going to sleep. That’s when the town swings into action. Everyone offers hot meals and warm blankets to the frightened passengers–many of whom are traveling home to Japan and don’t speak much English.

This actually happened about a year ago. If you had been there, you probably would have pitched in. It was obvious that those people needed help–a true emergency literally dropped right in front of you.

But a crisis isn’t always that easy to spot. It’s not as if passenger jets land on your street every day with tired and hungry people on board. Still, there are people around you who need real help. The problem is, they just sort of blend in. Single parents struggling to raise their kids and work fulltime. More people living past age 85 these days, which means more people living in nursing homes and spending time in hospitals. And at last count, there were more than 200,000 homeless teenagers in the US.

Someone might say, “I’m barely making enough at my part time job. Why should I put myself out for somebody else?” But as Christians, we have pretty high motivation. Jesus’ words in Matthew 25 remind us of our responsibility: “‘I was hungry and you gave Me something to eat… I needed clothes and you clothed Me, I was sick and you looked after Me… Whatever you did for one of the least of these brothers of Mine, you did for Me'” (vv.35-36,40). Christians care for people around them because it shows their love for their Savior, and it lets Jesus show His love to those who don’t know Him.

Ask God to give you a chance to help someone. And be ready, because if you’re serious God will respond to your request. You never know when an opportunity might drop out of the sky!

 

 

LEFTOVERS

PURELY POSITIVE

The world has this attitude today that teens are going to go out and have sex anyway, so why try to stop them. Well, here’s a story that proves that thought process wrong… TWICE! We have reason to be proud of these kids.

An American couple going out for two years have enjoyed their first kiss – at their wedding. Katie and Tim McAfee agreed to a sex ban and no kissing before they wed. The couple from Bismarck, North Dakota, are devout Christians, of course. They prayed with their parents each night for God’s strength before going out on dates. Tim, 25, touched his 24-year-old wife’s lips for the first time at Bismarck’s Evangel Temple. Tim said his kiss with Katie was great but added: “I don’t have anything to compare it with.” If you think that this story is just a fluke, well, think again. Katie’s little sister and her new husband also took the same vow and were wed at the same ceremony minutes later. All four Christians wanted to uphold biblical law on sexual purity and were worried even kissing each other could “light a fire.” Both girls took a covenant of purity when they turned 13 and were given a purity ring to wear.

 

 

LIFE… LIVE IT

FAVORITE CHRISTMAS SONGS

The number one favorite holiday song is “O Holy Night.” That’s the word from a Zogby International poll, which gave a list of nine holiday songs to 2,330 adults and asked them to choose their top three. Top holiday songs:

  1. “O Holy Night,” 58%
  2. “White Christmas,” 41%
  3. “The Christmas Song (Chestnuts Roasting on an Open Fire),” 38%
  4. “It’s Beginning to Look a Lot Like Christmas,” 28%
  5. “It’s the Most Wonderful Time of the Year,” 24%
  6. “Trans-Siberian Orchestra’s Christmas Eve/Sarajevo” 12/24: 17%
  7. “Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer,” 15%
  8. “Grandma Got Run Over by a Reindeer,” 10%
  9. “The Hanukkah Song” by Adam Sandler, 9%

 

 

JUST FOR FUN

SNEAKING A PEEK AT YOUR PRESENTS

If you’re a parent, I think you’ll appreciate a few of the ideas I have for you when it comes to Christmas and how to keep your kids from peeking and spying around the house to figure out what they’re getting this year. 

Kids sneaking a peek at their Christmas gifts. You parents know what I’m talking about.  Your kids may have never tried to do this.  The only way you can believe that is if they have never come to you with that “Oh-my-gosh-I-Saw-A-Present-And-I-Didn’t-Mean-To, Do-You-Still-Love-Me?” look on their faces.  I still remember the day I lost my facial coloring when I was a kid. I was rooting through my parents’ closet. I didn’t want to actually SEE a gift, I just wanted to know where the gifts were in case I should ever WANT to sneak a peek.  Which I never would. Honest.  Sometimes when I would go rooting, I would lift open the top of a plastic department store bag or undo the tape at the end of the wrapping paper, closing one eye in the process so it wouldn’t be too hard to stop myself if I thought I was ABOUT to see something I wasn’t supposed to.  But I always pulled back at the last moment, just before I knew I was about to see something – except once.  It wasn’t a big present, but it was something I had asked for. It was a football book. I was just 9 at the time, and I used to have these weird delusions about being a professional football player. I know, it’s hard to believe I squandered all that athletic potential.  Anyway, the moment I peeked and saw the book I felt terrible, like I had betrayed mom and dad. And after 30 or so years after sneaking that peek they have ALMOST forgiven me, even though mom still double wraps my presents.

Folks, it’s the boys in the family that you need to worry about.  Just resign yourself to the fact that your son (or sons) will most assuredly be a peeker, and there’s not a lot you can do about that. However, you can take some precautions to assure that if he DOES try to peek, he won’t have much success…

  • Install really small car alarms on each of the presents under the tree. If he tries to sneak a peek, everyone in the neighborhood will know about it.
  • Spray paint a chalk outline around where each of the presents were placed when they were first put under the tree. Sorta like what cops on TV do when there’s a murder.
  • Tell the kids that what hangs from the tree are decorative ornaments. But they’re not. They’re really nothing more than little glass balls with tiny surveillance cameras in them recording the kids’ every movement.
  • The angel at the top of the tree is no angel at all. She’s actually a really small, full-time security guard keeping an all-night vigil over the presents under the tree. When she sees something amiss, she radios down to the tiny little guy who looks like the conductor of the train but is really the Director of Security. Together the two of them are in charge of insuring that NO one sneaks a peek in the house.
  • Finally, around the perimeter of your tree, on the exterior of the train track, you can place 350 small, green, heavily armed toy soldiers. If The Boy tries to take an early look at any of his presents, you can be issued an immediate, classified report from the unit commander, and take away the boy’s Pringles for a week. And I think we all know how distressing that would be.

 

 

FUN LIST

TOP TEN CHRISTMAS TRADITIONS OF TUCSON, ARIZONA

10) Decorating cactus… carefully

9) Painting Christmas Wreath at Broadway/Wilmot Intersection

8) Impeaching the Governor (An Arizona Tradition)

7) Holiday Bingo at the Tohono O’Odham Reservation

6) Line-dancing to Christmas Carols

5) Sun-bathing

4) Explaining to Santa that he can’t go into biosphere 2

3) Adding jalapenos to the fruit cake

2) Sittin’ in our pick-up trucks and waiting for reindeer to fly over

1) Pretending it might snow

 

 

MORE SHOW PREP STUFF…

CAT FIGHT

A US woman has been jailed for failing to give up custody of her three cats in a bitter divorce battle. Lynn Goldstein was given 30 days behind bars because she repeatedly defied a court order to hand over the cats to her ex-partner Tom Nichols. Judge Jerry Bowles passed the sentence on Goldstein after ordering she could keep the couple’s three dogs and a rabbit called Mr Bobo. “This is like a bad dream,” said Goldstein from jail. “Everyone who has checked me through the system has looked at me and said, ‘He gave you 30 days over two cats?’ The cats are like my children. I’ve never had children. They’re not two-legged children, but I’ve always been an animal crusader. I love my pets like they’re children.”  ***MARLAR: Sure – keeping your children from their father and hiding them in businesses for days at a time to disobey a court order… that’s GREAT parenting.

 

 

OTHER STUFF I WANT TO CRAM INTO TODAY’S PREP

December first was a special occasion known as “GivingTuesday.” Started in 2012, GivingTuesday is a 24-hour online campaign encouraging people to give back through their time, energy, and money. According to Mission Network News, it was quite a success. The campaign raised approximately $116.7 million through 698,961 donors and received 1.3 million social media mentions. According to USA Today, it has increased online giving by 470%.

https://www.mnnonline.org/?p=139969

 

This just screams “Christmas”, doesn’t it? Well, okay… it just screams. http://ow.ly/VFvYO

 

Still have a refrigerator full of Thanksgiving leftovers? Susan Merrill has some very tasty suggestions. Her recipe ideas include Fiesta Turkey Tortilla Soup, Leftover Turkey Quesadilla with Cranberries and Gouda, Turkey Cobb Salad, Pumpkin Pie Frosting, and Easy Pumpkin Cheesecake Muffins. Check out these recipes and more here: http://bit.ly/1vKatSc

 

Has the run-up to Christmas lost its pizzazz? Here are four ideas for making Christmas meaningful this year from All Pro Dad.

  1. Countdown from Thanksgiving by following a simple Advent calendar:
  2. Gather the family to watch one meaningful holiday movie together per week:
  3. Sponsor a needy family with kids that match your children’s ages:
  4. Read a Christmas book together as a family:

http://bit.ly/1O62AKT

 

 

AND I LEAVE YOU WITH THIS THOUGHT

“I dye my hair so much, my driver’s license has a color wheel.” — Nancy Mura

 

 

THE WAY WE WORK

(Updated as it comes available. The Way WE Work is written by Mark Elfstrand from 1160Hope.com in Chicago.)

 

Who IS This Guy?

 

Occasionally you meet people, read an article, or hear a speaker, and you think, “I’d like to spend some time with this person.” One on one. You know, to get inside their head a little deeper.

Recently, I came across the name of M.S. Rao from India. Rao identifies himself in his blogs, his Wikipedia contribution, and his publicity material as Professor M.S. Rao. He is the founder of MSR Leadership Consultants. From India, he’s highly respected within a number of business circles.

Rao has written a number of interesting blogs, has spoken at many leadership events, and apparently has written some 30 books in this field. Along with that, certain web pages feature solid testimonials as to his abilities. He has video presentations, too.

Professor Rao loves leadership ideas, techniques, and visionary ideas. He identifies his own vision as “to build one million students as global leaders by the year 2030.” I like big picture guys.

One of his blogs relates to one of my personal favorite topics: mindset. This is the embedded way we process any number of things, holding dear to a set of beliefs that shape the way we respond. To influence or change a person’s mindset is quite difficult, yet that is the business in which I am engaged (talk radio).

Professor Rao’s areas of interest and expertise include Leadership, Executive Coaching, and Executive Education. He reportedly has conducted training programs for various corporations and educational institutions. Rao is equipped with 34 years of experience in leadership development.

A few things intrigued me about Professor Rao. One raises a bit of yellow flag. Before I get to that, here are two items that caught my attention.

The first is his writing on the subject of his term “soft leadership” — of which he is described as the “father” of this topic. From an interview, Professor Rao states, “Soft leadership emphasizes the significance of precious human resources. It helps in managing the emotions, egos, and feelings of the people successfully. It focuses on the personality, attitude, and behavior of the people, and calls for making others feel more important.” I like that.

In contrast to servant leadership, Rao notes: “Soft leadership takes support of soft skills, persuasive, and negotiation skills to get the tasks executed effectively. In contrast, servant leadership is about serving others.” His teaching on this contains 11 characteristics I’ve yet to review.

A second Rao item of interest to me was his very good review of the book, The Top Ten Mistakes Leaders Make by Hans Finzel. I have interviewed Finzel on a couple of occasions. It’s good material from an openly Christian perspective. (Rao’s summary can be found at at http://profmsr.blogspot.com/2010/05/book-review-by-profmsrao-top-10.html)

So what’s my “yellow flag of caution” on Rao? I ask…who IS this guy? I can’t find any educational background. Or where he teaches…outside of perhaps his own organization. He earned his “PhD in Soft Leadership,” which seems to be something HE’S developed.

If I didn’t think it so unlikely, I’d believe he’s raised himself up as a leadership guru (his term) and built a fine reputation by creating his own educational world. There’s no law against doing this. Nor does a lack of a PhD from a highly respected school (or a bachelor’s degree or a masters) deny you the right to call yourself “guru.” Or doctor…I suppose.

Let me clearly state that Professor Rao may have some educational credentials that for some reason don’t appear on his Facebook page, Linked In, or his own Wikipedia write up. But one has to admit…that is strange. Maybe guru schools are hard to come by.

But to my point, I would really enjoy some personal time with this fellow. He seems to have a tender heart, very good motives in what he is doing, and is a clear thinker. All things I like.

Another small mystery is where Rao’s spiritual beliefs are centered. Various faith traditions teach respect and honor for our fellow man — good to apply in all of business. The fact the Rao covered a Christian leadership book by Finzel also favorably impressed me. Spiritual foundations tell a lot.

Jesus of Nazareth had no earthly teaching credentials as well. He was the son of a carpenter. His family offered no pedigree.

But He amazed people with His teaching. The Gospel of John records it this way:
“…Jesus went up to the Temple and began teaching. The Jews were amazed and remarked, “How does this man know all this—he has never been taught?” Jesus replied to them, “My teaching is not really mine but comes from the one who sent me. If anyone wants to do God’s will, he will know whether my teaching is from God or whether I merely speak on my own authority. A man who speaks on his own authority has an eye for his own reputation. But the man who is considering the glory of God who sent him is a true man. There can be no dishonesty about him.” (John 7:17-18, Phillips)

Elsewhere, it says Jesus spoke as one who had authority.

My friend, read His words. Listen to His message. Observe His wisdom.

You might find yourself asking, “Who IS this guy??”

That’s The Way WE Work. Click on the link to the right to connect via Facebook.

 

Catch “Let’s Talk with Mark Elfstrand” weekday afternoons from 4-6pm on AM 1160 Hope for Your Life. To listen to the live broadcast or a podcast of previous shows click here.

 

 

THE TICKET Movie Reviews with MARIE ASNER

Marie Asner has been reviewing films for over 30 years. Her outlets include radio, print and Internet. For more in-depth movie reviews of the following films, visit www.Tollbooth.org. Ratings from 1 (Low) to 5 (High).

 

DECEMBER 04, 2015…

 

Macbeth (opening in select cities)—Michael Fassbender (“Steve Jobs”) now takes on Shakespeare to portray Macbeth with Marion Cotillard as Lady Macbeth. Here we are in Scotland of the 11th century and there is murder, intrigue and back-stabbing (excuse the pun) everywhere. “Macbeth” is rated R. No rating.

 

Krampus—a holiday horror film, dark comedy starring Toni Collette and Adam Scott about a horrible demon. His targets are people who don’t help people during the holidays. Your guess is as good as mine. “Krampus” is rated R. No rating.

 

DECEMBER 11, 2015…

 

*Note: Legend, starring Tom Hardy as two gangster brothers who rule London, is now due to open this week.  Here’s hoping.

 

In The Heart Of The Sea with Chris Hemsworth as part of the crew of a 1820 whaling ship decimated by a white whale, is opening this week.  Based on a true story.

 

The Big Short has Brad Pitt and Ryan Gosling as two guys who bet against banks. Shades of financial maneuvering.

 

The Lady In The Van (opening in select cities) and based on the true story of a woman who parked her van in a driveway and lived there for years. Stars Maggie Smith.

 

# # # # #

 

 

WARNING:  Don’t believe anything you read on the Internet or email (including stuff you read here) unless you can confirm it with another source, and/or it is consistent with what you already know to be true. The opinions in this publication are not necessarily those of Darren Marlar, Marlar House Entertainment, OnAirPrep.com, or any company or organization affiliated with aforementioned. (Regardless of how stupid you may think those opinions are. So there – nyah!)

Darren Marlar credits all non-original material to the author whenever possible. All other material is original, used with permission, or author unknown. We welcome all comments, questions, and suggestions. Darren can be reached via his website at www.DarrenMarlar.com.