***DAILY DOSE OF WEIRD NEWS – FREE TO AIR! (Need to receive this earlier than when it’s posted? Get FTP access and receive a fully-produced version FREE with a customized tag specifically for your station or show! Contact me with your ONAIRprep username for details!)
AND NOW… ON WITH THE SHOW!
PRINTER FRIENDLY VERSION: 20161212
WELCOME TO THE SHOW!
Good morning and welcome to (THE JOCK SHOW) – the absolute ultimate radio show. And, much like everything else around Christmastime – some assembly required.
I just read that over 70% of Americans have insufficient math skills. How pathetic. That’s almost half of our country!
BIBLE VERSE OF THE DAY
“I have no greater joy than to hear that my children are walking in the truth.” –3 John 1:4
Psalm 25:4-5 = Show me your ways, Lord, teach me your paths. Guide me in your truth and teach me, for you are God my Savior, and my hope is in you all day long.
HEARTLIGHT DAILY VERSE, PRAYER & THOUGHT
Love must be sincere. Hate what is evil; cling to what is good. — Romans 12:9
Thought: Our love cannot be feigned, faked, or fickle! That means that we abhor things that are evil. We not only stay away from them, but we disdain them. At the same time, we commit ourselves to lovingly drawing closer to goodness and righteousness. In our intentions, there are no shades of gray, only a passionate desire for what is right, good, and holy.
Prayer: Holy and Righteous Father, I know that you have declared me righteous and holy because of Jesus’ sacrifice. Now I ask that you help me live up to what you have declared me to be. Through your Holy Spirit’s indwelling, please fill me with your love and drive out anything unclean, evil, or rancid that dwells in my heart. Thank you. In Jesus’ name. Amen.
The Thoughts and Prayers for Today’s Verse are written by Phil Ware. You can email questions or comments to email@example.com.
“BIRTHDAY VERSE” OF THE DAY (The chapter and verse corresponds to the month and the day!)
Romans 12:12 NIV Be joyful in hope, patient in affliction, faithful in prayer.
TODAY IS MONDAY – DECEMBER 12, 2016
(NOTE: Some holidays may be duplicated due to various calendars reporting conflicting dates)
WEIRD, WACKY, STRANGE, ZANY, ODD, BIZARRE, QUIRKY, UNUSUAL HOLIDAYS!
THERE ARE ONLY 13 SHOPPING DAYS UNTIL CHRISTMAS.
Today is NATIONAL AMBROSIA DAY. ***Had to look this one up. Apparently this is a fruit dessert made of oranges and shredded coconut and sometimes pineapple. I’ve always known that as a five-cup salad – just add marshmallows. The dictionary also says that, according to Classical Mythology, it’s “the food of the gods”.
Today is POINSETTIA DAY, marking the 1799 birth of Dr. Joel Poinsett, who brought the poinsettia plant north from Mexico. He was a U.S. congressman and Secretary of War. ***Who made the stupid suggestion to use poinsettias during the holidays, anyway? Sure – it’s red and green and looks pretty, but if it gets COLD it dies. Gee, THAT’S Christmassy.
Today is GINGERBREAD HOUSE DAY. ***I’ve yet to see an authentic one in real life. The only gingerbread houses I’ve seen in the past were ones my friends and I made out of graham crackers. But hey, they still looked great! Eating them wasn’t such a great idea though – not after being out on display for two weeks.
Today is DING-A-LING DAY. Always on Frank Sinatra’s birthday. ***I’m sure the family loves that.
COMING UP NEXT (Just a list, we are not endorsing the holidays posted below.)
TUESDAY, DECEMBER 13
Pick A Pathologist Pal Day Link
WEDNESDAY, DECEMBER 14
THURSDAY, DECEMBER 15
FRIDAY, DECEMBER 16
SATURDAY, DECEMBER 17
Clean Air Day
National Re-gifting Day (3d Thursday) Link
Wright Brothers Day
SUNDAY, DECEMBER 18
MONDAY, DECEMBER 19
ON THIS DAY
1899: The U.S. Patent Office issued patent #638,920 to George F. Grant of Boston for his invention of the golf tee. Before that, golfers placed the ball on a small mound of dirt, called a “tee.”
1938: Adrian College set a Division-2 NCAA basketball scoring record for field goals in a game with none. They missed all 28 shots. They did make four free throws and lost to Albion 76-4.
1946: After 20 years of research, Cincinnati’s Procter & Gamble introduced Tide, a detergent with a complex chemical compound that actually pulled oil and grease out of clothes and dissolved dirt into the wash water. The company soon became the biggest advertiser and the biggest detergent producer in America.
1957: Deejay Al Priddy of KEX in Portland, Oregon, was fired for violating the radio station’s ban against playing Elvis Presley’s “White Christmas.” Conservative religious groups didn’t think Elvis was righteous enough to sing Christmas songs. ***My how times of changed – now the biggest complaint is that “White Christmas” sounds racist.
1963: Miss World 1963, Catharina Lodders of Holland, married American singer Chubby Checker.
1963: John Fitzgerald Kennedy – A Memorial Album became the fastest-selling record up to that time when 4 million copies sold between December 7-12. The memorial tribute was recorded November 22, the day President Kennedy was assassinated in Dallas.
1968: Passengers on a plane hijacked to Cuba included singer-actor Tex Ritter. No one was injured.
1968: The Rolling Stones filmed their “Rock & Roll Circus” in London with guests John Lennon, Yoko Ono, Eric Clapton, the Who, Jethro Tull, Mitch Mitchell, Marianne Faithful, and Mia Farrow. The show was finally released 28 years later in 1996.
1989: History’s heaviest turkey sold for $7,480 in London. Tyler the turkey weighed 86 pounds, according to the Guinness Book of World Records. ***If you spend $8,000 on a bird, aren’t YOU the real turkey?
1992: A Norway court ruled that Oslo University did not have to re-admit a 39-year-old student until he bathed. The astrophysics major, who had lived in a cave for 14 years, sued the university for a half-million dollars after he was expelled for stinking.
2000: A divided U.S. Supreme Court reversed a state court decision for recounts in Florida’s contested election, transforming George W. Bush into the president-elect.
2000: A team of developmental pediatricians in Canada released a report declaring Winnie the Pooh and his friends belonged in a child development clinic. The doctors said Pooh was obsessive-compulsive, Eeyore was chronically depressed, Piglet needed medication, Roo was a juvenile delinquent in-the-making, and Christopher Robin had gender issues. They even speculated Christopher Robin might be to blame for Pooh being a Bear of Very Little Brain, saying he may suffer from “Shaken Bear Syndrome” because of years of Christopher dragging Pooh down the stairs on the back of his head.
2003: Rolling Stones frontman Mick Jagger was knighted by Great Britain.
2003: Keiko, the killer whale made famous by the “Free Willy” movies, died in the Norwegian fjord that he’d made his home.
TODAY IN CHRISTIAN HISTORY
1189: King Richard I “the Lion Hearted” leaves England on the Third Crusade to retake Jerusalem, which has fallen to Muslim general Saladin in 1187. He negotiated a treaty allowing Christians access to the holy places.
1533: Juan Diego said he saw the Virgin Mary on a hill near Mexico City; Our Lady of Guadalupe became the patron saint of all Latin America by 1910.
1582: Spanish General Fernando Alvarez de Toledo (also known as the Duke of Alva) dies. The duke had been sent, along with 10,000 troops, by King Philip II of Spain to quell the Reformation in Holland. The duke’s “Council of Blood” was responsible for some 18,000 deaths.
1667: The Council of Moscow deposes Russian Orthodox Patriarch Nikon. A “man of great ability and sincerity but of autocratic temper,” according to one historian, his calls for liturgical reform grew into a fight over the relationship between church and state. Though deposed at the council, banished, and imprisoned for 14 years, his liturgical reforms were sanctioned. In 1681, he was recalled to Moscow by the new tzar, but he died on the way. He was buried with patriarchal honors and all decrees against him were revoked.
1712: The colony of South Carolina requires “all persons whatsoever” to attend church each Sunday and refrain from skilled labor and travel. Violators of the “Sunday Law” could be fined 10 shillings or locked in the stocks for two hours.
1888: The American Sabbath Union is formed to preserve the Sabbath as a day of rest and worship.
HOLLYWOOD, SPORTS AND CELEBRITY FIGURE BIRTHDAYS
actress (“Blossom”, “Big Bang Theory”) Mayim Bialik 41 (audio clip)
actor (“ER’s” Dr. Gregory Pratt) Mekhi Phifer, 41 (audio clip)
actress (Dark Water, The Rocketeer, Labyrinth, House of Shadow & Fog, A Beautiful Mind, The Day the Earth Stood Still) Jennifer Connelly 46
actress (“Dallas”, “Walker: Texas Ranger”) Sheree J. Wilson 58 (audio clip)
gymnast/actress Cathy Rigby 64
TV host (Formerly of “The Price is Right” and “Truth or Consequences”) Bob Barker 93
(Music Artist Birthdays From SongFacts.com)
1915 : Frank Sinatra; Born Francis Albert Sinatra
1918 : Joe Williams
1938 : Connie Francis; Born Concetta Rosa Maria Franconero
1940 : Dionne Warwick
1941 : Terry Kirkman (The Association)
1942 : Mike Pinder (The Moody Blues)
1942 : Mike Heron (Incredible String Band)
1943 : Dickey Betts (The Allman Brothers Band)
1943 : Grover Washington Jr.
1945 : Tony Williams
1946 : Clive Bunker (Jethro Tull)
1947 : Ralph Scala (Blues Magoos)
1959 : Sheila E.
1963 : Eric Schenkman (Spin Doctors)
1967 : Nick Dimichino (Nine Days)
1968 : Danny Boy (House Of Pain)
1977 : Dino Meneghin (The Calling)
SECRETS OF THE UNIVERSE
What’s the best-known Christmas carol?
Perhaps the best known Christmas carol is Silent Night, written in 1818 by an Austrian assistant priest Joseph Mohr. He was told the day before Christmas that the church organ was broken and would not be repaired in time for Christmas Day. Saddened, he sat down to write three stanzas that could be sung by choir to guitar music. “Stille Nacht, Heilige Nacht” was heard for the first time at that Midnight Mass in St. Nicholas Church in Oberndorf, Austria. The congregation listened as the voices of the Fr. Joseph Mohr and the choir director, Franz Xaver Gruber, rang through the church to the accompaniment of Fr. Mohr’s guitar. Today, Silent Night, Holy Night is sung in more than 180 languages by millions of people.
CHRISTIAN ARTIST NEWS
This is just a tiny sample of the 5-6 pages of material you could be receiving three days a week from ChristianRadioShowPrepServices.com!
Francesca Battistelli says God is still defeating Giants. She posted: Miracles CAN happen! A few days ago, I received a story from somebody who wrote that God has been helping her overcome an extremely rare form of cancer. And guess what…she is currently clear of cancer! Francesca added: What Giants are falling in your life?
Matthew West was rocking to his own Christmas music in the dairy section of whole foods this week. Matthew was in the store picking up supplies for his upcoming Christmas tour when his version of Jingle Bells started blasting throughout the store. Matthew posted: How Cool Is That!
Casting Crowns Megan Garrett shared honestly about raising kids on the road this week. The band had a day off in Fairfax, Virginia this week but, rather than relaxing, Megan says they went to the science museum, went shopping, played in a toy store, ate ice cream, and went to lunch and dinner. It’s hard sometimes to travel with them and all their normal “kid-ness” in tow. It’s challenging to mother them with a constant audience in close quarters. It’s exhausting to do it alone. But, I’m doing it and we are all surviving.
It’s not easy to stay on a diet during the Holiday’s and Todd Smith is no exception. He and the other two members of Selah have committed to losing weight during 2016 but Todd says it’s difficult to stay fit while on a Christmas tour. However, he isn’t giving in. Todd says he brought a couple NutriSystem bars along to keep him on track while traveling. https://twitter.com/toddsmithonline/status/806842721478541312/photo/1
Mercyme’s Bart Millard and Barry Graul agree that it’s always good to make time for working out on the road. However, they might disagree on what constitutes a work out. Bart posted a video clip as Barry worked out on an exercise bike. At the same time Bart was giving his month a strenuous workout by eating a bag of doritos.
Mandisa had a lot of help as she was recording music this week. She said she was recording a song that she had written with Jeremy Camp while drinking voice tea given to her by Lauren Daigle. With all of that helped the song should be good.
Third Day’s Mark Lee will be releasing his first book in 2017. The book titled Hard Road is set for release next fall. Leading up to the release Mark says he will be traveling the country for a series of solo shows telling the stories featured in the book.
Francesca Battistelli was reminiscing this week. She posted: growing up, I dreamed a lot of dreams. But through all the changing dreams of my heart, one has remained: being a mother. And on a chilly December morning like this one, running the vacuum next to the Christmas tree and a basket of unfolded laundry, while my (third!) baby crawls around next to me, I’m hit with the most beautiful knowledge that my dream has come true.
Audio Adrenaline front man Adam Agee says his beard is turning into a Christmas beard. Adam celebrated no shave November last month but, even though November is over, the beard is sticking around. He posted a picture this week showing off his new look.
The recent fires in Gaitlinburg, Tennessee hit close to home for the band We Are Messengers. They posted the picture of a family they met at one of their show and added: our thoughts and prayers are with Michael Reed who has lost his wife and daughters to the fires in Gaitlinburg. We mourn with you and your son and pray that God comforts you tenderly. Remember that these afflictions are momentary and we will see your beloveds again.
(No news on the weekends. As on ONAIRprep subscriber, you can get a fully-produced, customized version of the Daily Dose of Weird News FREE with a station or show specific tag! Email firstname.lastname@example.org for details!)
NEW NEWS KICKERS…
A new study claims that half the men in the U.S. are trimming or shaving their leg hair. ***Well yeah, it cuts down on wind resistance when you have to run to the bathroom in the middle of the night!
Nearly 60% of Americans would like prescription drug commercials banned from TV. ***The remaining 40% are in serious need of psychiatric medication which isn’t typically advertised on television.
A passenger gave birth on an Orlando, Florida-bound Southwest Airlines flight, forcing the plane to make an emergency landing in Charleston, South Carolina. Flight 556 was en route from Philadelphia this week when flight attendants asked for help from any medical personnel aboard the flight. Two doctors and a nurse went to the front row of the plane to help the woman in labor. The plane was met by rescue crews, who boarded the plane to escort the woman and the baby off it. The woman and her baby were said to be “doing well when they left the aircraft.” ***But then the woman was immediately arrested for smuggling a stowaway onboard rather than paying for an extra ticket.
At the Pearl Harbor ceremony on Wednesday, U.S. Pacific Command Commander Admiral Harry Harris said this: “You can bet that the men and women we honor today — and those who died that fateful morning 75 years ago-never took a knee and never failed to stand whenever they heard our national anthem being played.” ***Yeah, we don’t know anybody who does that either.
Sea World is laying off 350 workers as their profits continue to drop. ***If profits continue to drop they may have to resort to laying off employees so they can feed them the killer whales. (What… too soon?)
NEWS KICKER EVERGREENS…
Ladies, if you’re like your British cohorts, then your underwear drawer is filled with bras and panties that you can’t fit into or don’t even wear. One in 10 British women are hanging on to bras and panties that are between six and 20 years old. ***In other words, women are slowly becoming men.
Researchers say the level of nicotine in cigarettes has risen 10 percent over the past six years, making it much more difficult to kick the habit. ***But that’s okay, because the cigarette companies have also promised to try 10% harder to tell people cigarettes are bad.
An environmental group is pointing out that divorce is bad for the environment, as people who had been sharing resources, suddenly need their own. ***Yeah, I’m sure THAT’S why God hates divorce.
A recent report shows that American kids get 12% of their calories from fast-food restaurants. ***And the fast food giants are working 24/7 to get those numbers up doggone it!
According to a study by David Strayer, a psychology professor at the University of Utah, it could be cell phones that are causing traffic congestion. On average, drivers talking on a cell phone drive 2 miles slower than non cell-talking drivers. David says, “The distracted driver tends to drive slower and have delayed reactions. Then people kind of get stuck behind that person and it makes everyone pay the price of that distracted driver.” David says drivers using cell phones add about 20 hours a year to an American commuter’s trip. ***In other words, hang up, shut up and drive!
WONDER WOMAN (This feature will be disappearing in 2017)
CLICK HERE TO DOWNLOAD TODAY’S EPISODE… “Frogs on Toadstools”
DAILY COMEDY CLIP (This feature will be disappearing in 2017)
CLICK HERE TO DOWNLOAD TODAY’S EPISODE… Scott Gregory, “Paper Cuts”
AS THE JUNGLE TURNS – WEEKDAY VERSION
CLICK HERE TO DOWNLOAD MONDAY’S EPISODE
OPEN: And now, FancyMonkey.com, (Show Name), and (Station Call Letters) bring you As the Jungle Turns! Last time, Millard the Monkey was flying around the world with Jean Claude the flying squirrel trying to find somewhere that didn’t know about Steve Mozart. But alas, that was impossible – so Millard, defeated, is now heading back home… where he always takes second place to Steve Mozart.
CLOSE: What on earth could Millard be planning? What does a copy shop have to do with Steve Mozart’s concert? Find out next time, As the Jungle Turns!
AS THE JUNGLE TURNS – SATURDAY/SUNDAY VERSION (This feature will be disappearing in 2017)
CLICK HERE TO DOWNLOAD THE EPISODE FOR THE WEEKEND OF DECEMBER 17/18
OPEN: And now, FancyMonkey.com, (Show Name), and (Station Call Letters) bring you As the Jungle Turns! When last we left the jungle, all of the animals found out the source of the giant footprints… there were from a giant gorilla! Somehow, all of the animals were able to run away and hide from the gorilla in a giant, scary cave… and now Cheetah Bonita is thinking the gorilla might not be so mean.
CLOSE: Here we go again! Will Millard be able to escape the gorilla’s grip? Will the gorilla try and eat the other animals too? Find out next time, As the Jungle Turns!
***You may simulcast “As the Jungle Turns” on the Internet stream of your live broadcast only. Any other Internet use of “As the Jungle Turns” in whole or part including podcasting of your live broadcast is a violation of copyright law. Thank you for your cooperation on this vitally important issue. If you have any questions, please e-mail us and ask about “Jungle Jam & Friends the Radio Show” usage.
MOMENT OF DUH
Want to rob a finance company? Choose one with a wimp for a security guard!
It’s a hold-up – and the guard faints. So much for awing them with tight security. A security guard on his second day on the job at a finance company in Malaysia, fainted when he encountered robbers armed with a pistol, saving the robbers the trouble of disarming him.
TOP TEN GIFTS HUSBANDS DON’T WANT FOR CHRISTMAS
10. Anne of Avonlea/Anne of Green Gables Collectors Edition with 74 minutes of extra footage
9. Any knick-knack
8. Tickets to the ballet
7. Another new tie
6. A Bath and Body Works Soap Basket
5. New teddy bear pajamas
4. Vacuum cleaner
3. A weekend seminar on “Getting in Touch With Your Feelings”
2. Pair of fuzzy bunny slippers
1. A nose and ear hair trimmer
THE FILES OF LAW & DISORDER
A man of the cloth turns out not to be – and lands in the files of Law & Disorder!
FILE #1: In Pittston, Pennsylvania, a man of the cloth was pulling the wool over some people’s eyes. Brian Rush was a regular customer at Gerrity’s Supermarket, although he never bought anything there. Brian would go in dressed in black and wearing crosses and told clerks to charge his groceries to St. Rocco’s Roman Catholic Church. However, when his groceries began to include things like cigarettes, the store got suspicious. Brian did attend a seminary in 2006, but he wasn’t a priest. He’s now an inmate after he was busted on his last trip to the store.
FILE #2: A federal court upheld Wisconsin prison officials’ ban on letting a convicted murderer put a poster of Jennifer Aniston on his cell wall. He said the photo was not offensive, and claimed that a rule allowing inmates to display only photos of family members and non-celebrities violated his First Amendment rights. The court disagreed and told him if he wants to see pictures of Jennifer Aniston, he can just subscribe to some magazines.
FILE #3: Here’s a new Holidays LOW. In Anderson, Indiana, a Salvation Army bell ringer was caught shoplifting Christmas ornaments, even as he was singing “The First Noel.” Police say 33-year-old Sean M. Sayers was on break from his Salvation Army gig at a local Wal-Mart when he went inside the store and pocketed holiday ornaments totaling $19.82. The ornaments were hidden in his jacket. He’s currently being held without bond, as his misdemeanor violated his terms of probation from a previous case.
STRANGE LAW: In Logan County, Colorado, it is illegal for a man to kiss a woman while she is asleep. ***You’d better not tell that to the people working at the Disney store.
THIS IS YOUR BRAIN ON DRUGS
It’s a drug bust – plus! Pot plus an alligator!
U.S. Border Patrol agents in Yuma, Arizona, found a gator stashed in the suitcase of a man stopped on I-Eight. Officials report a drug dog at a checkpoint became alert near the man’s car. Inside the man’s bags, agents say they found 13 grams of marijuana and a four-foot cayman alligator. Now, the man faces charges for possessing marijuana and restricted wildlife. ***MARLAR: Do I make the obvious alligator bag joke here or not? Too late… just did.
My wife and I talked recently about not getting each other Christmas gifts. The problem is that every single year we agree on this, she gets me something anyway… so in anticipation of that, I have to get her something in advance too. Suddenly, we’re both breaking the rules because we’re both breaking the rules. What’s the solution?
BIBLE BRAIN BUSTER!
QUESTION: What happened to the lame man when Peter took him by the hand and lifted him up?
ANSWER: Immediately his feet and ankle bones received strength (Acts 3:7)
QUESTION: It’s said that a pack-a-day smoker will lose two of these every ten years. What are they?
TRUE OR FALSE
Pay attention! If our next player doesn’t answer all ten T/F questions correctly we start all over from question #1! First person to answer question #10 correctly is our winner!
1. In China, the day a child is born it is considered one year old. (True)
2. The U.S. has more violent weather than any other country in the world. (True)
3. Judy Garland’s false eyelashes were sold at auction in 1979 for U.S. $125. (True)
4. The Aerosmith hit, “Dude Looks Like A Lady” was actually written about Richard Simmons. (False… it was written about Vince Neil, the lead singer of Motley Crue)
5. Mickey Mouse has four fingers on each hand. (True)
6. T.S. Eliot’s favorite gift to critics was a bag of dog poop. (False… it was exploding cigars!)
7. The Pilgrims refused to eat lobster because they thought they were really giant insects. (True)
8. Jackie Kennedy Onasis has appeared on the cover of Life magazine more than any other woman. (False… it was Elizabeth Taylor)
9. Donald Duck has a sister named Dumbella. (True)
10. Men are twice as likely as women to ask for a divorce and file for one. (False… it’s the other way around)
TABLOID MATCH GAME
You have to match the blank in the tabloid headline with the word or phrase that has been removed!
ARK OF THE COVENANT TO BE ___________ (REVEALED)
ETHIOPIA – A leaky church roof is about to give the world a glimpse of the legendary Ark of the Covenant.
The home of the iconic relic – a small chapel in Ethiopia – has sprung a leak and so the Ark will now be on the move.
The Ark – which The Bible says holds God’s Ten Commandments given to Moses on Mount Sinai – is said to have been kept in Aksum, in the Chapel of the Tablet, adjacent to St Mary of Zion Church, since the 1960s.
According to the Old Testament, it was first kept in the Temple of Solomon in Jerusalem for centuries until a Babylonian invasion in the 6th century BC.
Since then it’s been the goal of many adventurers and archaeologists to find it. Most-famously, but also fictitiously, Indiana Jones was shown in the 1981 Steven Spielberg film Raiders of the Lost Ark.
There has also been a long-running claim from the Orthodox Christians of Ethiopia that they have had the Ark for centuries, and since the 1960s it has apparently been kept in the chapel.
This small building is surrounded by spiked iron railings, and situated between two churches, the old and new, of St Mary of Zion in central Aksum.
No one has been allowed to see the holy object, described in scripture as being made from acacia wood, plated with gold and topped with two golden angels, except one solitary elderly monk, who must watch over the Ark for the remainder of his life, and is never allowed to leave the chapel grounds.
But now the chapel – which was designed by the Ethiopian leader Emperor Hailie Selassie – has had to be covered in a tarpaulin to stop rain getting in.
THE WAY TOO EARLY IN THE MORNING TO UNDERSTAND THE PUNCHLINE EVEN AFTER TWO CUPS OF COFFEE JOKE OF THE DAY
A Texan was taking a taxi tour of London and was in a hurry. As they went by the Tower of London the cabbie explained what it was and that construction of it started in 1346 and was completed in 1412. The Texan replied, “Shoot, a little ol’ tower like that? In Houston we’d have that thing up in two weeks!”
Next they passed the House of Parliament – started in 1544 and completed in 1618. “Well boy, we put up a bigger one than that in Dallas and it only took a year!” said the Texan.
The cabbie had just about enough of the Texan’s bragging, so as they passed Westminister Abbey the cabbie was silent. “Whoah! What’s that over there?” asked the Texan.
The cabbie replied, “I don’t know, it wasn’t there yesterday.”
Doug was describing a 30 pound bass he’d caught recently after fighting it for three hours. Bill interrupted the story saying, “I saw the picture you took of that fish. You’re lucky if it even weighed 10 pounds.”
Doug replied, “Well . . . a fish can lose an awful lot of weight during three hours of fighting.”
A fellow took his girlfriend to the movies. During the previews, she asked him if he would go and buy her some M & Ms.
When he returned with her candy, she opened the bag, picked out all the brown ones and threw them away.
“What did you do that for?” he asked her.
“I’m allergic to chocolate!” she replied
The National Science Society has announced that 70 percent of Americans do not understand science. ***The remaining 80% don’t understand math.
There’s such a worldwide shortage of trained butlers that a good one can now command up to $500,000 a year. ***Unless you work for Paris Hilton… at which point you are WAY underpaid.
THE BEST GUIDE
A local hunting guide got himself into a big problem. His party became hopelessly lost in the mountains and they blamed him for leading them astray.
“You told us you were the best guide in Colorado!” they asserted.
“I am,” he said, “but I think we’re in Wyoming now.”
IT MUST BE TRUE BECAUSE I HEARD IT ON THE RADIO!
YOUR MONEY OR YOUR FOLIAGE
In Germany there’s a new trend in hostage taking . . . but they’re not taking people!
A gang in Germany are holding trees ‘hostage’ by threatening to chop them down if their owners don’t hand over hundreds of pounds. Police say adverts in Hanover claim the gang will take on every kind of garden work at a reasonable price. But when they show up as arranged, the men take out chainsaws and threaten to cut down trees if they aren’t given money. One woman has already lost two trees for failing to find the money in time. ***MARLAR: Wait a minute – YOU call THEM, and then THEY take advantage of YOU. That’s like phone soliciting in reverse!
QUILT OF HOLES
As I faced my Maker at the last judgment, I knelt before the Lord along with all the other souls.
Before each of us laid our lives like the squares of a quilt in many piles; an angel sat before each of us sewing our quilt squares together into a tapestry that is our life.
But as my angel took each piece of cloth off the pile, I noticed how ragged and empty each of my squares was. They were filled with giant holes. Each square was labeled with a part of my life that had been difficult, the challenges and temptations I was faced with in everyday life. I saw hardships that I endured, which were the largest holes of all.
I glanced around me. Nobody else had such squares. Other than a tiny hole here and there, the other tapestries were filled with rich color and the bright hues of worldly fortune. I gazed upon my own life and was disheartened.
My angel was sewing the ragged pieces of cloth together, threadbare and empty, like binding air.
Finally the time came when each life was to be displayed, held up to the light, the scrutiny of truth. The others rose; each in turn, holding up their tapestries. So filled their lives had been. My angel looked upon me, and nodded for me to rise.
My gaze dropped to the ground in shame. I hadn’t had all the earthly fortunes. I had love in my life, and laughter. But there had also been trials of illness, and wealth, and false accusations that took from me my world, as I knew it. I had to start over many times. I often struggled with the temptation to quit, only to somehow muster the strength to pick up and begin again. I spent many nights on my knees in prayer, asking for help and guidance in my life. I had often been held up to ridicule, which I endured painfully, each time offering it up to the Father in hopes that I would not melt within my skin beneath the judgmental gaze of those who unfairly judged me.
And now, I had to face the truth. My life was what it was, and I had to accept it for what it was. I rose and slowly lifted the combined squares of my life to the light.
An awe-filled gasp filled the air. I gazed around at the others who stared at me with wide eyes.
Then, I looked upon the tapestry before me. Light flooded the many holes, creating an image, the face of Christ. Then our Lord stood before me, with warmth and love in His eyes. He said, ‘Every time you gave over your life to Me, it became My life, My hardships, and My struggles.
Each point of light in your life is when you stepped aside and let Me shine through, until there was more of Me than there was of you.’
May all our quilts be threadbare and worn, allowing Christ to shine through!
DRIVE TIME DEVOTIONAL
Let the word of Christ dwell in you richly in all wisdom, teaching and admonishing one another. —Colossians 3:16
How important is our fellowship in the local church? Let me answer that question by telling a story.
A minister was concerned about the absence of a man who had normally attended services. After a few weeks, he decided to visit him. When the pastor arrived at the man’s home, he found him all alone, sitting in front of a fireplace. The minister pulled up a chair and sat next to him. But after his initial greeting he said nothing more.
The two sat in silence for a few minutes while the minister stared at the flames in the fireplace. Then he took the tongs and carefully picked up one burning ember from the flames and placed it on the hearth. He sat back in his chair, still silent. His host watched in quiet reflection as the ember flickered and faded. Before long it was cold and dead.
The minister glanced at his watch and said he had to leave, but first he picked up the cold ember and placed it back in the fire. Immediately it began to glow again with the light and warmth of the burning coals around it.
As the minister rose to leave, his host stood with him and shook his hand. Then, with a smile on his face, the man said, “Thanks for the sermon, pastor. I’ll see you in church on Sunday.” —David Roper
STEP BY STEP
More people are turning to the old fashioned pedometer to get them motivated to walk off the pounds.
…If you’re not in the know, pedometers are little devices that count the steps you take. Studies have shown that people walk more and gain more health benefits when given a pedometer and a steps-per-day goal than when simply told to exercise. Keep in mind that you get what you pay for. Pedometers that are cheap or free tend to be inaccurate. Models in the $15-to-$30 price range tend to be good, but you should check a new pedometer for accuracy by counting off 50 or 100 steps when you first try it.
LIFE… LIVE IT
THE MOST HATED CHRISTMAS SONG OF ALL TIMES
The honor of the most hated Christmas song of all time goes to “Jingle Bells,” as performed by the Singing Dogs, a 1955 Danish record that was reedited and released in 1971. That’s the word from Edison Media Research and Pinnacle Media Worldwide who independently of each other surveyed radio listeners to find out the holiday songs they most loved and hated–and came up with the same answer. The songs we love the most are:
Bing Crosby’s “White Christmas” (1942)
Nat King Cole’s “The Christmas Song (Chestnuts Roasting on an Open Fire)” (1946)
Burl Ives’s “A Holly Jolly Christmas” (1965)
“Rockin’ Around the Christmas Tree” (Brenda Lee, 1958)
“Jingle Bell Rock” (Bobby Helms, 1957)
“Happy Xmas (War Is Over)” (John Lennon and Yoko Ono, 1971)
JUST FOR FUN
Coming up, a sure-fire way to keep sales people away from your office!
Some people might put a sign in the window, others might use a scary dog. A man in Tennessee does something different to intimidate would-be sales people. Wayne Tabor’s office has a full-size replica of an electric chair. The heavy, black chair is complete with leather bindings for legs, chest and arms and has an ample seat and very straight back. Tabor even has a thick electric cord going from the bottom of the chair to under his desk to give the impression he has a hidden switch. The chair, which he found on the Internet, was installed in Tabor’s office after his boss said he had to sit in a similar chair when he was a young salesman. Tabor, who is a principal of the Resource Label Group, claims the chair works on getting him better deals from salespeople, calling it “the price adjuster”. ***MARLAR: It’s also good for fathers who want to leave a first impression on the dates their daughters bring home.
HOW TO PICK THE PERFECT CHRISTMAS TREE
Everybody wants a tree that looks like the ones on the Christmas movies like White Christmas, or Home Alone. But the truth is we usually get one that looks like Charlie Brown chose it. Whether you choose a live or cut Christmas tree, there are a few things to keep in mind as you shop.
Step back 5 to 8 feet and check the tree from several angles. ***MARLAR: It will look even better if you step back 30 to 45 feet and squint.
Bend a branch slightly; it should bend easily and not crack or break. ***MARLAR: If it does break or crack, threaten to turn the lot manager into the fire marshall’s office unless he sells you a tree for five bucks.
Grab a handful of needles and pull gently. Few, if any, needles should come loose. Shake the tree and avoid a specimen that drops a lot of needles. ***MARLAR: To make sure you get the best deal, bring a pocketful of needles to scatter around the tree of your choice and then shake the tree.
MORE SHOW PREP STUFF…
Now here’s a promotion that you’ll NEVER hear on a Christian radio station in the United States… but I can see Amy Grant singing her hit, “Baby, Baby” as part of the promotion. A Christian radio station in Berlin is urging its listeners to get pregnant. It’s even going so far as to play soft music to get listeners in the mood – and the pregnant DJ repeatedly appeals to her audience to join her in the pregnancy. It’s a radio promotion, so there has to be a prize, right? Well, the first 1000 babies born receive prizes and get a place on the kindergarten waiting list. The Christian radio station wants its listeners to recognize the importance of having children for the future. Today only one in five Berlin households includes kids.
OTHER STUFF I WANT TO CRAM INTO TODAY’S PREP
Look into a puppy’s sweet and beguiling eyes, and what happens? You melt all over, right? There is a reason for this: When you gaze into a puppy’s eyes, your body releases a surge of oxytocin, a hormone that leads to bonding, trust and altruism, according to research. Oxytocin is the hormone that promotes maternal bonding, and the “oxytocin loop” between dogs and their owners was found to be comparable to that of a mother and her baby. When a mother stares into her newborn baby’s eyes, both of them experience an increase in oxytocin and that leads to feelings of bonding and love. The same thing appears to happen to humans and their dogs. The study found that among the dogs and owners who spent a lot of time gazing at each other, the dogs experienced a 130 percent rise in oxytocin levels during interaction with their owners, with oxytocin rising a huge 300 percent among owners during this time. There was no oxytocin increase in the dogs or owners who did not make a lot of eye contact. ***And if my cat is any indication, this doesn’t work with felines either.
A Christmas board game that pits Jesus against Santa is receiving criticism for being offensive. According to ChristianToday.com, the board game, called “Santa vs. Jesus” began as a Kickstarter campaign. Danny Webster, a spokesman for the Evangelical Alliance, said that the game is problematic because it presents both Jesus and Santa as “fictional characters.” While playing the game, participants are split up into two teams-team Santa or team Jesus. They then try to get the most “believers.” Despite the criticism the game has received, one of its creators, Julian Miller, said that its sales “are exceeding all expectations and we’ve had to rush through another order with our manufacturer to keep up with the demand.” http://dlvr.it/MqSDGw
A district court judge in Ohio has upheld the constitutionality of having the national motto “In God We Trust” on United States currency. According to the Christian Post, Judge Benita Y. Pearson of the Northern District of Ohio rejected an effort by a group of plaintiffs to strike the motto from American money under the federal Religious Freedom Restoration Act. In a ruling issued on Wednesday, Judge Pearson reasoned that RFRA was inapplicable because the plaintiffs “cannot demonstrate that the use of the motto on currency substantially burdens their religious exercise.” http://ow.ly/6Dpc306KF1E
4 Steps To Divorce-Proof Your Marriage
1. Get your finances in order
2. Begin pre-engagement counseling
3. Get your thought life under control
4. Surround yourself with pro-marriage friends and community
AND I LEAVE YOU WITH THIS THOUGHT
Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do not walk ahead for I may not follow. Do not walk beside me, either, just leave me alone.
THE TICKET Movie Reviews with MARIE ASNER
Marie Asner has been reviewing films for over 30 years. Her outlets include radio, print and Internet. For more in-depth movie reviews of the following films, visit www.Tollbooth.org. Ratings from 1 (Low) to 5 (High).
DECEMBER 09, 2016…
Miss Sloane—Jessica Chastain takes on the role of a woman lobbyist in a business that has a glass ceiling. She wants to get a bill through Congress for tighter background checks on gun sales. Good luck. Also in the cast are Mark Strong and Gugu Mbatha-Raw. “Miss Sloane” is rated R. Rating of 2 for fans.
Office Christmas Party—This is what happens when one person in a firm tries to impress a prospective client with the party-to-end-all-parties. Does anything go right? The cast includes Jennifer Lawrence, Jason Bateman and T. J. Miller. “Office Christmas Party” is rated R. Rating of 2 for fans.
DECEMBER 16, 2016 thru JANUARY 01, 2017…
Jackie—Natalie Portman takes on the role of Jacqueline Kennedy. Bring hanky.
Sing—an animated film for the family about an animal vocal contest.
The Space Between Us—New date for opening and about a boy born on Mars.
Gold—Matthew McConaughey stars as a hustler who will do anything to win.
Why Him?—James Franco is the son-in-law no one wants.
Paterson—Adam Driver stars as a bus driver who is reticent and his wife who loves life.
A Monster Calls—new opening for this movie about a boy coping with grief who has a monster as a friend.
Live By Night—directed and stars Ben Affleck and concerns the life of gangsters.
Manchester By The Sea—new opening and stars Casey Affleck (Ben’s brother) who takes care of his nephew during a tragedy.
Hidden Figures—True story of African-American women mathematicians who helped put the astronauts in orbit.
20th Century Women—concerns three generations of woman coping with life. Stars Annette Bening.
Julieta—a Spanish language film of trying to find a lost daughter.
Collateral Beauty—Will Smith’s friends help him cope with tragedy.
Fences—Denzel Washington in a screen adaptation of the Broadway play.
The Founder—Michael Keaton plays Ray Kroc, who turned McDonalds’ into a fortune.
A Kind of Murder—Patrick Wilson stars in a tangled thriller.
Neruda—story of the South American poet.
Rogue One: A Star Wars Story—Felicity Jones stars in this saga that should take“Star Wars” fans over the holidays.
Assassins Creed—Michael Fassbinder in an adaptation of the video game.
Passengers—Jennifer Lawrence as a person who awakens during a space flight to another planet and has to help others.
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