December 13, 2015: Sunday ONAIRprep

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PRINTER FRIENDLY VERSION: 20151213

 

 

WELCOME TO THE SHOW!

The boss cannot force me to dress up like Santa Claus at the office party. He forgot my contract has a No Claus clause.

 

 

BIBLE VERSE OF THE DAY

“For he has rescued us from the dominion of darkness and brought us into the kingdom of the Son he loves…” –Col. 1:13

 

1 Peter 2:11 = Dear friends, I urge you, as foreigners and exiles, to abstain from sinful desires, which wage war against your soul.

 

[Jesus said,] “I am the good shepherd; I know my sheep and my sheep know me – just as the Father knows me and I know the Father – and I lay down my life for the sheep.” — John 10:14-15

 

 

HEARTLIGHT DAILY VERSE, PRAYER & THOUGHT

(From VerseOfTheDay.com)

We ought always to thank God for you, brothers, and rightly so, because your faith is growing more and more, and the love every one of you has for each other is increasing. — 2 Thessalonians 1:3

 

Thought: When was the last time you found a new brother or sister in Christ and told that precious person all the things they were doing right? Don’t you think that’s too long, and that you should let them know today? Let’s be more committed to encouraging and affirming others who are in Christ as well as giving thanks to God for them.

 

Prayer: Saving Shepherd of lost souls, thank you for the new Christians in our church and in my life. Bless them and protect them from the Evil One and use us, your children and their brothers and sisters, to be there to help and encourage them on their journey to perfection in Christ. In the holy name of Christ Jesus, my Lord. Amen.

 

The Thoughts and Prayers for Today’s Verse are written by Phil Ware. You can email questions or comments to phil@heartlight.org.

 

 

BIRTHDAY VERSE” OF THE DAY

The chapter and verse corresponds to the month and the day!

Ecclesiastes 12:13 NIV = Now all has been heard; here is the conclusion of the matter: Fear God and keep his commandments, for this is the whole duty of man.

 

 

TODAY IS SUNDAY – DECEMBER 13, 2015

(NOTE: Some holidays may be duplicated due to various calendars reporting conflicting dates)
WEIRD, WACKY, STRANGE, ZANY, ODD, BIZARRE, QUIRKY, UNUSUAL HOLIDAYS!
THERE ARE ONLY 12 SHOPPING DAYS UNTIL CHRISTMAS.  

 

Today is ICE CREAM DAY.  ***MARLAR: Because when you think of December temperatures and the wind-chills that come with them, oh yeah you think of ice cream.

 

Today is NEW CALENDAR DAY, time to pick up the new model!

 

Today is VIOLINS DAY.  ***MARLAR: But I would like to add a rule to this day. Violins should only be played by professionals.

 

Today is COUNT THE LA’S IN “DECK THE HALLS” DAY.  ***MARLAR: That way you can tell everybody you know how many la’s there are. Be careful: don’t count the fa’s, just the la’s!

 

Today is PICK A PATHOLOGIST PAL DAY. *** By definition, aren’t all pathologists pathological? So why would you ever want to be pals with one?

 

 

TODAY IS ALSO. . .

Worldwide Candle Lighting Day

World Choral Day

 

 

COMING UP NEXT

MONDAY, DECEMER 14

Green Monday

Monkey Day

 

TUESDAY, DECEMBER 15

Bill of Rights Day

Cat Herders Day

 

WEDNESDAY, DECEMBER 16

Barbie and Barney Backlash Day

National Chocolate-covered Anything Day

Zionism Day

 

THURSDAY, DECEMBER 17

Clean Air Day

Free Shipping Day

National Re-gifting Day

Wright Brothers Day

 

FRIDAY, DECEMBER 18

Answer The Telephone Like Buddy The Elf Day

Arabic Language Day

International Migrants Day

National Ugly Sweater Day

Underdog Day

 

SATURDAY, DECEMBER 19

(None today)

 

SUNDAY, DECEMBER 20

International Human Solidarity Day

Games Day

Mudd Day

National Sangria Day

Poet Laureat Day

World Day of Prayer and Action for Children

 

MONDAY, DECEMBER 21

Ann & Samantha Day

Celebrate Short Fiction Day

Crossword Puzzle Day

National Flashlight Day

Forefathers Day

Humbug Day

International Dalek Remembrance Day

National Homeless Person’s Remembrance Day

Phileas Fogg Wins a Wager Day

Short Girl Appreciation Day

World Peace Day/Winter Solstice (11:48pm)

Yalda

Yule

 

TUESDAY, DECEMBER 22

(None today)

 

 

ON THIS DAY

1835: Phillips Brooks was born in Boston. He became an American Episcopal clergyman and produced ten books of sermons. But most remember the song he wrote in 1868 for the children of his Sunday School, “O Little Town of Bethlehem.”

 

1843: A Christmas Carol, by Charles Dickens, was first published.

 

1974: Singer George Harrison became the first rock artist invited to the White House. He had lunch with President Gerald Ford.

 

1978: The U.S. issued the Susan B. Anthony dollar, the first U.S. coin to honor a woman. It still circulates, but not much. ***MARLAR: It can also be used a quarter – depending on how desperate you are for that can of Coke in the pop machine.

 

1985: Singer Phil Collins made his acting debut on U.S. TV as a drug dealer on “Miami Vice.”

 

1995: After stacking the stereo, VCR, and other stuff by the front door, a 25-year-old Sacramento burglar decided to take a bubble bath. And went to sleep in the tub. Police woke him after the owner came home and called. ***MARLAR: The burglar was apparently working towards a clean getaway.

 

1998: A Belgian horticulturist introduced a skirt made of living grass. The grass was grown on jute matting, then made into a skirt, which observers said was “striking” but also heavy. The designer recommended watering the skirt once a day and mowing it once a month. ***MARLAR: But the grass skirt maker finally had to shut down after numerous lawsuits from people who’d accidentally cut their legs off during mowing.

 

1998: Voters in Puerto Rico rejected U.S. statehood.

 

2000: Republican George W. Bush claimed the presidency a day after the U.S. Supreme Court shut down further recounts of disputed ballots in Florida. Democrat Al Gore conceded and called for national unity.

 

2001: A $10,000 watch stolen four years earlier was returned to a London woman worth $32,000. Thieves had tripled its value by inlaying it with dozens of diamonds. ***MARLAR: We need move thieves like that in this world.

 

2003: Iraq’s Saddam Hussein was captured by U.S. forces near his hometown of Tikrit. He was hiding in a hole under a farmhouse in Adwar.

 

2009: Central City, New Orleans area residents held a celebration because the city went ten straight days without a murder! ***MARLAR: Wow — if you live in New Orleans, the bar on what constitutes good news has just been seriously lowered.

 

 

TODAY IN CHRISTIAN HISTORY

37: Nero, the Roman emperor who was the scourge of early Christians, is born. After his suicide in 68, many believed he would return, and “false Neros” appeared throughout the eastern provinces.

 

304: Lucy, one of the earliest Christian saints to achieve popularity, dies. According to legend, she renounced marriage out of devotion to Christ, but a spurned suitor convinced Roman authorities to force her into a life of prostitution. When this was unsuccessful, they tried to burn her to death, but she wouldn’t catch fire. Finally, she was killed by the sword. More realistically, she was probably one of several Christians killed in the Diocletian persecution. But within a century of her death, she had a remarkable following.

 

1294: After issuing a constitution giving popes the right to quit, Pope Celestine V shocks the world by resigning. An aged, nearly incoherent hermit when he was chosen to succeed Pope Nicholas IV, Celestine was desperately unsuited for the job and served only 15 weeks before Cardinal Gaetani, masquerading as a voice from heaven, convinced him to step down. Gaetani then became the infamous Pope Boniface VIII, and he imprisoned Celestine until the old man’s death.

 

1698: The First Baptist Church of Philadelphia is formed.

 

1995: Columbian evangelist Julio Ruibal was assassinated, just weeks after HCJB World Radio staff members helped his ministry install a new transmitter in Cali, quadrupling the station’s coverage. “Two assassins’ bullets silenced his voice, but not his impact,” said his wife Ruth. “Julio’s life was sown as seed for a great revival. The long awaited spiritual awakening in Cali is beginning. The joy that this brings far exceeds the suffering caused by his death.”

 

 

HOLLYWOOD, SPORTS AND CELEBRITY FIGURE BIRTHDAYS

  • actress (Casey on “Major Dad” and Jamie on “McGee & Me”) Chelsea Hertford 34 (
    )
  • actor-comedian (Ray, Any Given Sunday) Jamie Foxx 48
  • actor (Jody on “Family Affair”) Johnny Whitaker 56 (
    )
  • Actor (Con Air, Fargo, Armageddon) Steve Buscemi, 58 – Steve is also a former fire fighter and dropped everything he was doing on September 11, 2001 in order to assist New York Firefighters.
  • actor (“Diagnosis Murder”, “The Dick Van Dyke Show”) Dick Van Dyke is 90 (
    )

 

 

BEE-BOP BIRTHDAYS

(Music Artist Birthdays From SongFacts.com)

1945 : Robert Martinez (Question Mark and the Mysterians)

1948 : “Skunk” Baxter (The Doobie Brothers, Steely Dan)

1948 : Ted Nugent

1949 : Tom Verlaine (Television)

1949 : Randy Owen (Alabama)

1950 : Davy O’List (Roxy Music, The Nice)

1952 : Berton Averre (The Knack)

1975 : Tom DeLonge (Blink-182)

1989 : Taylor Swift

 

 

SECRETS OF THE UNIVERSE

Why do the Chinese use chopsticks?
They developed this custom because they didn’t need anything resembling a knife and fork at the table. They cut up food into bite-sized pieces in the kitchen before serving it. This stemmed from their belief that bringing meat to the table in any form resembling an animal was uncivilized and that it was inhospitable, anyway, to ask a guest to cut food while eating. And you thought they were just sticking it to you.  (Edited from Tricky Trivia)

 

 

CHRISTIAN ARTIST NEWS

Do you like the Christian Artist News you see below? It’s just a tiny sample of the 5-6 pages of material you could be receive every weekday… and it’s FREE! Become one of their subscribers at ChristianRadioShowPrepServices.com!

 

Rush of Fools Wes Willis: Nothing and I mean NOTHING brings out the sinfulness in me faster than hitting my head on something. NOTHING.

 

Danny Gokey uses four different faces during the holidays. Danny shared all four with Billboard this week, including his face after paying four all the gifts, his face when he opens his own gifts, his face when he’s stuffed it with food, and his face when Elf comes on TV. Check them out…

http://twitter.com/billboard/status/673981590100398080/photo/1

 

Casting Crowns Megan Garrett had a unique form of discipline after her 9 year old daughter sassed Megan just as she was handing her the cake pop she ordered at Starbucks. Megan said: I licked it first.

 

Moriah Peters will be trying something new in 2016. She plays the lead in her first feature film, titled Gracia. Earlier this week Moriah shared a number of behind the scenes videos on her twitter page as she gears up for her acting debut.

https://twitter.com/MoriahPeters

 

Feeling a little stressed during the holidays? Natalie Grant has a suggestion. She told CCM Magazine: I promise, if you dance for just 30-seconds, you can’t help but smile and feel just a little better about your life.” “Whenever we have a lot of stress in our family—we’re tired, overwhelmed, and it’s just piling on—we say, ‘It’s time for a 30-second dance break!’ My three girls even get their Daddy into it, and we dance our heads off!”

http://bit.ly/Dec1-NGfeat

 

Moriah Peters says weddings are very special for she and her husband Joel Smallbone, from the band for King and Country. She shared: We met at one, had one and celebrated one last night…weddings are our favorite. Joel and Moriah also shared some “photo booth shenanigans” from the wedding.

http://twitter.com/MoriahPeters/status/673687855940538368/photo/1

 

Josh Wilson and his tour were using more Christmas colors than they wanted over the weekend. When their Red touring bus broke down they had to be rescued by a Green church bus. It wasn’t fancy transportation but Jason tweeted: The show must go on!

https://www.instagram.com/p/-9kJhxhkai/

 

Audio Adrenaline’s Brandon Bagby was doing double duty this week. He tweeted that he was playing a ukulele and electric guitar on the same song at church Sunday morning.

 

The members of Building 429 didn’t let Michael’s birthday go unnoticed simply because they were on the road. Fellow member Jesse Garcia tweeted: Totally sang happy birthday to Michael on the plane over the intercom. The band was flying from Portland to Los Angeles.

 

Colton Dixon made the best of a bad situation over the weekend. He tweeted: Well Arkansas, you just heard us completely track free. Colton was forced to depend solely on live instruments due to tech issues but he added: God doesn’t need tracks.

 

 

NEWS KICKERS

(No news on the weekends. Audio clips are only valid for a few days before being removed from our servers.)

 

NEW NEWS KICKERS…

 

 

NEWS KICKER EVERGREENS…

 

 

WONDER WOMAN

CLICK HERE TO DOWNLOAD TODAY’S EPISODE… “Sign-Maker Strike”

 

 

DAILY COMEDY CLIP

CLICK HERE TO DOWNLOAD TODAY’S EPISODE… Tim Hawkins, “Cosco”

 

 

AS THE JUNGLE TURNS – WEEKDAY VERSION

CLICK HERE TO DOWNLOAD MONDAY’S EPISODE
CHRISTMAS EPISODE!

 

OPEN: And now, FancyMonkey.com, (Show Name), and (Station Call Letters) bring you As the Jungle Turns! When last we left the jungle island of Razzleflabbin, Marvy Snuffleson was confused about some Christmas gift-giving. Olaf sold his race track to buy Karl some bicycle tires. But Karl sold his bicycle in order to purchase racing cars for Olaf! Yet, they’re both happy…

 

CLOSE: From all of us at (Station Call Letters), (Show Name), and from everyone at FancyMonkey.com – have a very Merry Christmas!

 

 

AS THE JUNGLE TURNS – SATURDAY/SUNDAY VERSION

CLICK HERE TO DOWNLOAD THE EPISODE FOR THE WEEKEND OF DECEMBER 12/13

 

OPEN: And now, FancyMonkey.com, (Show Name), and (Station Call Letters) bring you As the Jungle Turns! Last time, all of the jungle animals, not being able to figure out what to do with their day, decided to leave the decision up to a new animal… a small lion. And because lions are known as “the king of the jungle” they left the decision up to the little lion as to what to do… and he wanted lunch!

 

CLOSE: I know it’s good to be the king, and the animals think that they need a king to make decisions, but it doesn’t look as if the little lion has much of an idea on what to do with his royal position! Find out what happens next time, As the Jungle Turns!

 

***You may simulcast “As the Jungle Turns” on the Internet stream of your live broadcast only. Any other Internet use of As the Jungle Turns in whole or part including podcasting of your live broadcast is a violation of copyright law. Thank you for your cooperation on this vitally important issue. If you have any questions, please e-mail us.

 

 

MOMENT OF DUH

Missoula, Montana’s Michael Allard has earned himself a spot on Santa’s ‘naughty’ list.

Michael Allard allegedly stole Christmas trees and wreath-making supplies from the local Pink Grizzly store. Allared then put the stolen items on display outside his home just a few blocks away. A sheriff’s deputy found the trees outside his home with the store tags still attached and Allard inside the house making additional wreaths with the stolen supplies.

 

 

TOP TEN

TOP TEN FUNNY SIGNS

 

  1. IN A LONDON DEPARTMENT STORE: Bargain Basement Upstairs

 

  1. IN AN OFFICE: Would the person who took the step ladder yesterday please bring it back or further steps will be taken.

 

  1. IN ANOTHER OFFICE: After the tea interval staff should empty the teapot and stand upside down on the drain board.

 

  1. ON A CHURCH DOOR: This is the gate of Heaven. Enter ye all by this door. (This door is kept locked because of the draft. Please use side entrance)

 

  1. OUTSIDE A SECOND HAND SHOP: We exchange anything – bicycles, washing machines etc. Why not bring your wife along and get a wonderful bargain.

 

  1. QUICKSAND WARNING: Quicksand. Any person passing this point will be drowned. By order of the City Council.

 

  1. NOTICE IN A DRY CLEANER’S WINDOW: Anyone leaving their garments here for more than 30 days will be disposed of.

 

  1. IN A HEALTH FOOD SHOP WINDOW: Closed due to illness.

 

  1. SPOTTED IN A SAFARI PARK: Elephants Please Stay In Your Car.

 

  1. NOTICE IN A FIELD: The farmer allows walkers to cross the field for free, but the bull charges.

 

 

THE FILES OF LAW & DISORDER

Even playing with toy guns can get you in big trouble with the law.

 

FILE #1: In St. Clairsville, Ohio, 23-year-old Justin Carman was a passenger in a car with three other friends cruising down Interstate 70 when he pulled out a toy gun and pointed it at the driver’s head. Now everybody in the car knew the gun was a toy and Justin was just clowning around. Unfortunately, to other motorists, the gun looked very real and they dialed 911. So police pulled the car over and arrested Justin on the charge of “inducing a panic!”

 

FILE #2: Do you fight over the remote?  Seattle police have arrested a woman they say stabbed her friend because she changed the TV channel. The suspect and the 66-year-old woman she’s accused of stabbing are neighbors at an assisted living complex. They were watching TV and started arguing after the victim changed the channel to a religious program.

 

FILE #3: Coca-cola likes to call themselves “the real thing!” But in Detroit, Cecil Donald St. Pierre was arrested for selling not the real thing to area restaurants. Cecil allegedly used a generic syrup for use in fountain drink dispensers, but labeled it as Coca-Cola. In his defense, Cecil said his customers know it is not Coca-Cola because while he uses Coke boxes, he puts his own labeling on top. But federal officials aren’t buying it and have charged our friend with conspiracy, trafficking in counterfeit goods, mislabeling a food product and operating a food processing plant without federal registration. This dude could get ten years for fake Coke!

 

STRANGE LAW: In Indiana it is illegal to ride public transportation for at least 30 minutes after eating garlic.

 

 

THIS IS YOUR BRAIN ON DRUGS

A woman asks the police if it’s okay to smoke…

Police said a woman was arrested after asking a state trooper whether she could smoke – and then trying to light up a marijuana joint. Honesty Knight was a passenger in a vehicle that Trooper Eric Perkins pulled over for a traffic violation. While the trooper was talking to the driver, Knight obtained the trooper’s permission to smoke. Police say Perkins then asked to see the cigarette, which contained marijuana, not tobacco.  Knight faces a preliminary charge of possession of paraphernalia.

 

 

PHONER PHUN

My “Ultimate Christmas Wish List”…

  • I wish McDonald’s, Burger King, & Wendy’s burgers were healthy and still tasted good.
  • I wish political ads were non-existent.
  • I wish a three day work week were the norm.
  • I wish people would give others the benefit of the doubt.

What about you? What would you have on your Ultimate Christmas Wish List?

 

 

BIBLE BRAIN BUSTER!

QUESTION: What two prisoners sang hymns in prison at midnight?
ANSWER: Paul and Silas (Acts 16:25)

 

 

QUESTION IMPOSSIBLE

QUESTION: What’s the punishment in India if a truck driver is caught speeding?

ANSWER: The truck driver is made to hop like a frog. 

(FULLY STORY: How’s this for an alternative to speeding tickets. Truck drivers in India who are caught speeding are being made to hop like frogs. Police in the state of Bihar have begun dishing out humiliating punishments instead of taking offenders to court. The most popular punishment with the cops is a version of leapfrog. Speeding truck drivers have to squat, hold their ears and hop for almost half a mile. And the drivers are made to chant the name of the political leader they like most while doing this. One policeman was quoted as saying, “If they remember their leader when they are being punished, it’s like they are insulting them. If they have any sense, they won’t speed again.”)

 

 

TRUE OR FALSE

Pay attention! If our next player doesn’t answer all ten T/F questions correctly we start all over from question #1! First person to answer question #10 correctly is our winner!

 

  1. In 1996 Tom Cruise starred in “The Minority Report.” (False… “Mission: Impossible”)

 

  1. TV’s Judge Judy was originally a Family Court Judge in the city of Miami. (False… New York)

 

  1. “Big Brother” is the show where you find out what happens when people stop being polite and start getting real.” (False… The Real World)

 

  1. OPEC is headquartered in London, United Kingdom. (False… Vienna, Austria)

 

  1. In the Peter Benchley novel (and Steven Spielberg movie), Jaws was a Great White shark. (True)

 

  1. In September 2000, Paul Simon invited the US presidential candidates to Farm Aid, then headed to Jamaica to finish a reggae album. (False… Willie Nelson)

 

  1. Jennifer Love Hewitt starred in the briefly run “Time of Your Life,” a sequel from “Party of Five.” (True)

 

  1. Poetic heroine Annabel Lee was created by Edgar Allan Poe. (True)

 

  1. “Beneath the Planet of the Apes” was the first sequel to the original “Planet of the Apes” movie. (True)

 

  1. Aside from rooftop concerts and bogus reunion tours, the Beatles had their last concert in New York City. (False… San Francisco)

 

 

TABLOID MATCH GAME

You have to match the blank in the tabloid headline with the word or phrase that has been removed!

WIN A _____ WITH VIRGIN MARY (DATE)

Beautifulpeople.com has opened the bidding on a date with blonde Heather Seychelle, 25 – known as “Virgin Mary.”

“Virgin Mary” appears in the dating site’s nativity scene and has attracted a legion of male fans.  eBay first hosted the auction for a “date” with Virgin Mary but later pulled the listing because it contained “adult content.”

Miss Seychelle – known t her friends and family as “Virgin Mary,” because she reportedly has never had sex with anyone – has attracted a large number of potential suitors and reportedly would love to “get pregnant” with the right guy.  Whether it will be an immaculate conception or not – Seychelle is not saying.

 

 

THE WAY TOO EARLY IN THE MORNING TO UNDERSTAND THE PUNCHLINE EVEN AFTER TWO CUPS OF COFFEE JOKE OF THE DAY

JOKE #1

A little boy tells his dad that he wants a bicycle for Christmas. The father said, “Fine, write a letter to Jesus and tell him what you want and why you want it.

So, the little boy sits down and starts to say in his letter. First he writes, “Jesus I want a new bike for Christmas. I know you would love for me to have one so please make sure it arrives by your birthday.”

Thinking about it later he decided that this letter wasn’t a very good one so, he wrote another: “Dear Jesus I know it’s your birthday on Christmas and that normally I should get you a present but, could you please tell my parents to buy me a new bike for Christmas?”

Once again, later he decided neither of these letters were going to help him so, he went down to the church and walked into the foyer where he found a nativity scene. He picked up the figure of Mary and ran home. Then he wrote the following message: “Dear Jesus, if you ever want to see your mother again make sure I get that bike for Christmas!”

 

JOKE #2

At a boat-rental concession, the manager went to the lake’s edge and yelled through his megaphone, “Number 99, come in, please. Your time is up.”

Several minutes passed, but the boat didn’t return. “Boat number 99 – return to the dock immediately or I’ll have to charge you overtime.”

“Something is wrong here, boss,” his assistant said. “We only have 75 boats. There is no number 99.”

The manager thought for a moment and then raised his mega- phone: “Boat number 66are you having trouble out there?”

 

JOKE #3

Tom was so excited about his promotion to Vice President of the company that he kept bragging about it to his wife for weeks on end.

Finally she couldn’t take it any longer, and told him, “Listen, it means nothing, they even have a vice president of peas at the grocery store!”

“Really?” he said. Not sure if this was true or not, Tom decided to call the grocery store.

A clerk answered and Tom said, “Can I please talk to the Vice President of peas?”

The clerk replied, “Canned or frozen?”

 

 

USELESS FACTS

A few years ago, after learning that the Bureau of Land Management named a 100-acre timber sale near the headwaters of Oregon’s Fawn and Evans creeks the “Goldie Fawn,” actress Goldie Hawn took offense, with a spokeswoman saying Hawn didn’t want to see “beautiful timber land destroyed in her name.” ***MARLAR: I see – so the woman with the face lifts, hair dye, fake lips, nose job, and skin injections wants us to get back to nature.

 

During the Middle Ages you could be accused of witchcraft if your pets disobeyed you. ***MARLAR: Are they kidding? It would require a spell just go get my cat to ACKNOWLEDGE me.

 

 

FEATURED FUNNIES

AN URGENT MESSAGE FROM SANTA

I regret to inform you that, effective immediately, I will no longer be able to serve Southern United States on Christmas Eve. Due to the overwhelming current population of the earth, my contract was renegotiated by North American Elves Local 209. I now serve only certain areas of Ohio, Indiana, Illinois, Wisconsin and Michigan. As part of the new and better contract I also get longer breaks for milk and cookies so keep that in mind. However, I’m certain that your children will be in good hands with your local replacement who happens to be my third cousin, Bubba Claus. His side of the family is from the South Pole. He shares my goal of delivering toys to all the good boys and girls; however, there are a few differences between us. Differences such as:

  • There is no danger of a Grinch stealing your presents from Bubba Claus. He has a gun rack on his sleigh and a bumper sticker that reads: “These toys insured by Smith and Wesson.”
  • Instead of milk and cookies, Bubba Claus prefers that children leave an RC cola and pork rinds [or a moon pie] on the fireplace.
  • Bubba Claus’ sleigh is pulled by floppy-eared, flyin’ coon dogs instead of reindeer. I made the mistake of loaning him a couple of my reindeer one time, and Blitzen’s head now overlooks Bubba’s fireplace.
  • “Ho, ho, ho!” has been replaced by “Yee Haw!” And you also are likely to hear Bubba’s elves respond, “I her’d dat!”
  • As required by Southern highway laws, Bubba Claus’ sleigh does have a Yosemite Sam safety triangle on the back with the words “Back Off.”
  • The usual Christmas movie classics such as “Miracle on 34th Street” and “It’s a Wonderful Life” will not be shown in your negotiated viewing area. Instead, you’ll see “Boss Hogg Saves Christmas” and “Smokey and the Bandit IV” featuring Burt Reynolds as Bubba Claus and dozens of state patrol cars crashing into each other.

Sincerely Yours, Santa Claus

(Member of North American Fairies and Elves Local 209)

 

 

IT MUST BE TRUE BECAUSE I HEARD IT ON THE RADIO!

A man calls the fire department – asking for their assistance with his cigarettes!

The fire department came to the aid of a paralyzed Romanian man four times within an eight hour span. No big fires or medical emergencies, instead, Emanoil Mihail was desperate for a cigarette but could not get to the lighter he had dropped on the floor – so he called out the fire brigade to get it for him. Unfortunately for the fire department, the 63-yearold Mihail subsequently dropped the lighter 3 more times and made 3 more calls for help. ***MARLAR: Would you not, by this point, think that just MAYBE you were getting a sign that you should quit smoking? I’m thinking maybe the fourth time they should have brought the man “the patch”!

 

 

INSPIRATIONAL INSPIRATION

SPEAK NO EVIL (Why gossip is bad for your soul)
By Lori Palatnik

A nineteenth-century folktale tells about a man who went about town slandering the town’s wise man. One day, he went to the wise man’s home and asked for forgiveness. The wise man, realizing that this man had not internalized the gravity of his transgressions, told him that he would forgive him on one condition: that he go home, take a feather pillow from his house, cut it up, and scatter the feathers to the wind. After he had done so, he should then return to the wise man’s house.
Though puzzled by this strange request, the man was happy to be let off with so easy a penance. He quickly cut up the pillow, scattered the feathers, and returned to the house.

“Am I now forgiven?” he asked.

“Just one more thing,” the wise man said. “Go now and gather up all the feathers.”

“But that’s impossible. The wind has already scattered them.”

“Precisely,” he answered. “And though you may truly wish to correct the evil you have done, it is as impossible to repair the damage done by your words as it is to recover the feathers. Your words are out there in the marketplace, spreading hate, even as we speak.”

How interesting it is that we, as human beings, so quick to believe the bad that others say about someone, so accepting of the “news” contained in print and television tabloids, and so ready to assume the worst regarding another’s actions, actually allow ourselves to believe that the evil we spread about someone won’t really matter. Incredible that we can’t seem to immediately and resolutely accept the fact that the gossip we speak can–and often does–significant damage to that person.

Bob’s friend, Paul Myers, says, “Gossip is like a fired bullet. Once you hear the sound, you can’t take it back.” That is what the man in the above story found out in a very disappointing, shameful moment of self-discovery. And it isn’t just what we say about someone to others, but what we say to that person directly as well. We’ve all been told that “Sticks and stones may break my bones but names will never harm me.” We also know that is totally untrue. While a body will typically recover from a physical injury, the harm caused by direct insults can sometimes last a lifetime, and tear the self-esteem right out of a person.

On the other hand, kind, encouraging words can build a person’s self-esteem, help him or her to grow and give them the impetus they need to do great, significant things with their lives. The choice regarding how we speak about or to someone is ours.

 

 

DRIVE TIME DEVOTIONAL

Sometimes it feels that we have hundreds of years ahead of us to live. And sometimes it feels like our lives are over. The bible tells us to number our days.

Teach us to number our days aright that we may gain a heart of wisdom. –Psalm 90:12

Columnist Dave Barry cast a humorous light on life’s brevity when he discussed his reasons for smoking as a teenager. “I expected to live a minimum of 50,000 years,” he wrote, “and I figured it was no big deal if I knocked a few centuries off the end.” Now in his fifties, Barry probably has a better appreciation of the truth found in James 4:14, “You are a mist that appears for a little while and then vanishes.”

“Teach us to number our days aright,” Moses wrote in Psalm 90, “that we may gain a heart of wisdom.” That may sound pessimistic on the surface, but for the believer in Christ it is hopeful. We need to ask ourselves, “What is a heart of wisdom?” A heart of wisdom is a mindset that keeps God in plain sight. Our whole life’s direction is colored by the fact of our own mortality. In essence, we are living to die. But that isn’t a pessimistic view. As we who know Jesus Christ live for Him, our lives can be filled with meaning. That gives us a deep-down, bubbling-over kind of joy that has a way of making almost all of life more fun.

Everything we do will be measured against God’s eternal standard. In each activity we need to ask ourselves, “Is this working for or against my relationship with God? Is this furthering His kingdom? Or am I merely advancing my own selfish agenda?”

Life is short. But we can let God fill it with infinite meaning. Like Moses, we can pray, “Establish the work of our hands for us–yes, establish the work of our hands” (v.17).

(modified from Campus Journal)

 

 

LEFTOVERS

HOTWEAR

Want to dress casually every day at work? Move to Thailand!

Thailand is asking its workers to stop wearing suits as part of the country’s latest bid to conserve energy. This is the latest brainwave of Prime Minister Thaksin Shinawatra, who said workers should arrive to work in short sleeves so they wouldn’t need air-conditioners turned up so high. At its weekly meeting, the cabinet passed a resolution asking all public servants not to wear jackets and urging private employees to do the same.

 

 

LIFE… LIVE IT

THE PERFECT GIFT FOR THE MAN WHO REFUSES TO STOP AND ASK FOR DIRECTIONS

Do you plan on getting one of those GPS navigation systems for yourself or someone on your holiday gift list? There’s a bunch of different ones at different price levels, but those who know say you don’t really have to pay a lot. All of the GPS devices for cars give turn-by-turn voice directions, estimate travel times and list things like gas stations, banks, hotels and restaurants. Most everything else is just bells and whistles that jack up the price and aren’t really necessary if all you want is directions to someplace. Experts say the most important thing is to find the map screen you like the best and then go for the lowest price.

 

 

JUST FOR FUN

FATHERS OF INVENTION

Ever wonder what happens to the thousands of unsuccessful inventions that are produced every year? You’ll find a lot of them on display in Austria.

…Professor’s Fritz Gall and Friedl Umscheid have spent the past 15 years gathering inventions which never caught on for unique exhibition going on in Vienna. The Society for Surplus Thoughts exhibition includes some of the following inventions that never caught on:

  • The see-through suitcase for easy customs checks.
  • For the hiker who needs that little bit of extra help to roll along, the walking stick with rollers.
  • The triple-decker cigarette holder to smoke three cigarettes at once.
  • The heated garden gnome designed to melt snow, instead of shoveling.
  • A bed for insomniacs with luminous rotating canvases at each end printed with images of sheep.
  • A black box that fits into an amplifier system for performers, designed to add background clapping to increase the enthusiasm of an uninspired audience. It never caught on because it always seemed to cheer at the wrong time. ***MARLAR: “And this next song is about my dog, whom I miss very very much…” (AND THE AUDIENCE GOES WILD!)

 

 

FUN LIST

YOU MIGHT BE A CHRISTMAS SCROOGE IF

  • Your only holiday decoration is a rotting pumpkin from November.
  • The treats you leave for Santa include a banana, prune juice, and a venison steak.
  • Your version of “Ho Ho Ho” involves a Hostess chocolate treat and two Garden Weasels.
  • The light display on your roof is in the shape of a gun.
  • If your idea of Christmas dinner is a Slim-Jim, and a cheese log.
  • If you buy all of your Christmas Gifts in one night, at the same place you buy your gasoline.

 

 

MORE SHOW PREP STUFF…

TOO HOT FOR THE ROOM

Lucius Harrigan of Wichita, Kansas was just too hot for the room. Lucius threw a cinder block through a window to gain access to a house. While prowling around looking for loot, he worked up a sweat and removed his shirt in an effort to cool off. After a few minutes he left with the loot but without his shirt. And in his shirt pocket was a Kansas Department of Corrections ID card identifying him as a former guest of the state. The good news is that he’ll now have another chance to find out how well the air conditioning works in jail.

 

 

OTHER STUFF I WANT TO CRAM INTO TODAY’S PREP

A billionaire businessman named Shlomo Rechnitz was so moved by the sight of 400 American military service members traveling through an airport in Ireland that he decided to do something to show is appreciation. According to Relevant Magazine, He paid $50 for each of the soldiers to get a good dinner before the next leg of their trip.

http://relm.ag/ECUVkHC

 

To find out if you’ve been naughty or nice this year a social media agency created a web app that analyzes your swearing on Twitter. Social Santa checks your tweets and the number of times you’ve said various bad words to identify if you’ve been bad or good.  http://socialsanta.co/

 

Some elements of Christmas are certainly more appealing than others, but there is one part few of us do without: the tree. Yet new research suggests that rather than enhancing the festive feel, the traditional Christmas pine tree may actually be making some people ill. Christmas Tree Syndrome — as it is known — is caused by a number of different molds that grow on these trees. They are found on the trees naturally but they flourish and rapidly increase in number once inside our snug, centrally heated homes. In fact, a team found 53 different kinds of mould present on 23 samples taken from trees in their colleagues homes.

http://www.dailymail.co.uk/health/article-2077843/Could-YOU-allergic-Christmas-tree-Pines-haven-moulds.html

 

The Bible app YouVersion is out with their listing of the most popular Bible verses and translations of 2015. According to Christianity Today, This year, the favorite verse of the United States and Brazil was Romans 12:2. The study also found that American users preferred the New International Version. Mexico, the United Kingdom, and South Korea engaged the most with Isaiah 41:10. Nigeria, South Africa, and the Philippines all engaged the most with Jeremiah 29:11. Users in Canada and China both preferred verses using the NLT translation. But Canadians engaged most with Ephesians 1:23. Meanwhile, Chinese engaged most with 1 Corinthians 10:13. YouVersion has now topped 200 million installs. The app now offers the Bible in more than 1,200 versions and 900 languages.

http://bit.ly/1QcK6y5

 

CHRISTIAN PHRASES WE SHOULD STOP SAYING

God won’t give you anything you can’t handle.

Everything happens for a reason.

Take 60 seconds and say hi to your neighbor.

Will the visitors please stand.

I covet your prayers.

You must be blessed with the “gift of singleness.”

I like to “love on kids.” (Awkward)

“I’ll pray about it” to avoid saying no to a request.

Jesus is my co-pilot. (Borderline heresy – Jesus should be the one in the pilot seat!)

God helps those who help themselves.

You just need to forgive yourself.

***See the video for an explanation!

 

 

AND I LEAVE YOU WITH THIS THOUGHT

I’d like to end today’s show with a short prayer: “Thank you, Lord, for: the little light on the front of the vacuum cleaner, making it much easier to find Christmas tree needles.”

 

 

THE WAY WE WORK

(Updated as it comes available. The Way WE Work is written by Mark Elfstrand from 1160Hope.com in Chicago.)

 

Who IS This Guy?

 

Occasionally you meet people, read an article, or hear a speaker, and you think, “I’d like to spend some time with this person.” One on one. You know, to get inside their head a little deeper.

Recently, I came across the name of M.S. Rao from India. Rao identifies himself in his blogs, his Wikipedia contribution, and his publicity material as Professor M.S. Rao. He is the founder of MSR Leadership Consultants. From India, he’s highly respected within a number of business circles.

Rao has written a number of interesting blogs, has spoken at many leadership events, and apparently has written some 30 books in this field. Along with that, certain web pages feature solid testimonials as to his abilities. He has video presentations, too.

Professor Rao loves leadership ideas, techniques, and visionary ideas. He identifies his own vision as “to build one million students as global leaders by the year 2030.” I like big picture guys.

One of his blogs relates to one of my personal favorite topics: mindset. This is the embedded way we process any number of things, holding dear to a set of beliefs that shape the way we respond. To influence or change a person’s mindset is quite difficult, yet that is the business in which I am engaged (talk radio).

Professor Rao’s areas of interest and expertise include Leadership, Executive Coaching, and Executive Education. He reportedly has conducted training programs for various corporations and educational institutions. Rao is equipped with 34 years of experience in leadership development.

A few things intrigued me about Professor Rao. One raises a bit of yellow flag. Before I get to that, here are two items that caught my attention.

The first is his writing on the subject of his term “soft leadership” — of which he is described as the “father” of this topic. From an interview, Professor Rao states, “Soft leadership emphasizes the significance of precious human resources. It helps in managing the emotions, egos, and feelings of the people successfully. It focuses on the personality, attitude, and behavior of the people, and calls for making others feel more important.” I like that.

In contrast to servant leadership, Rao notes: “Soft leadership takes support of soft skills, persuasive, and negotiation skills to get the tasks executed effectively. In contrast, servant leadership is about serving others.” His teaching on this contains 11 characteristics I’ve yet to review.

A second Rao item of interest to me was his very good review of the book, The Top Ten Mistakes Leaders Make by Hans Finzel. I have interviewed Finzel on a couple of occasions. It’s good material from an openly Christian perspective. (Rao’s summary can be found at at http://profmsr.blogspot.com/2010/05/book-review-by-profmsrao-top-10.html)

So what’s my “yellow flag of caution” on Rao? I ask…who IS this guy? I can’t find any educational background. Or where he teaches…outside of perhaps his own organization. He earned his “PhD in Soft Leadership,” which seems to be something HE’S developed.

If I didn’t think it so unlikely, I’d believe he’s raised himself up as a leadership guru (his term) and built a fine reputation by creating his own educational world. There’s no law against doing this. Nor does a lack of a PhD from a highly respected school (or a bachelor’s degree or a masters) deny you the right to call yourself “guru.” Or doctor…I suppose.

Let me clearly state that Professor Rao may have some educational credentials that for some reason don’t appear on his Facebook page, Linked In, or his own Wikipedia write up. But one has to admit…that is strange. Maybe guru schools are hard to come by.

But to my point, I would really enjoy some personal time with this fellow. He seems to have a tender heart, very good motives in what he is doing, and is a clear thinker. All things I like.

Another small mystery is where Rao’s spiritual beliefs are centered. Various faith traditions teach respect and honor for our fellow man — good to apply in all of business. The fact the Rao covered a Christian leadership book by Finzel also favorably impressed me. Spiritual foundations tell a lot.

Jesus of Nazareth had no earthly teaching credentials as well. He was the son of a carpenter. His family offered no pedigree.

But He amazed people with His teaching. The Gospel of John records it this way:
“…Jesus went up to the Temple and began teaching. The Jews were amazed and remarked, “How does this man know all this—he has never been taught?” Jesus replied to them, “My teaching is not really mine but comes from the one who sent me. If anyone wants to do God’s will, he will know whether my teaching is from God or whether I merely speak on my own authority. A man who speaks on his own authority has an eye for his own reputation. But the man who is considering the glory of God who sent him is a true man. There can be no dishonesty about him.” (John 7:17-18, Phillips)

Elsewhere, it says Jesus spoke as one who had authority.

My friend, read His words. Listen to His message. Observe His wisdom.

You might find yourself asking, “Who IS this guy??”

That’s The Way WE Work. Click on the link to the right to connect via Facebook.

 

Catch “Let’s Talk with Mark Elfstrand” weekday afternoons from 4-6pm on AM 1160 Hope for Your Life. To listen to the live broadcast or a podcast of previous shows click here.

 

 

THE TICKET Movie Reviews with MARIE ASNER

Marie Asner has been reviewing films for over 30 years. Her outlets include radio, print and Internet. For more in-depth movie reviews of the following films, visit www.Tollbooth.org. Ratings from 1 (Low) to 5 (High).

 

DECEMBER 11, 2015…

 

In The Heart Of The Sea—Just like Russell Crowe’s film of a few years back, “Master and Commander,” the sea film footage is spectacular with special effects, too.  Men are like a speck on the ocean and no communication when the whale attacks. This isn’t the entire story, though. Chris Hemsworth stars as one of the officers. “In The Heart Of The Sea” is rated R. Rating of 4.

 

Lady In The Van (opening in select cities)—Maggie Smith (“Downton Abbey”) stars as Miss Mary Shepherd, who “kind of “ parked her van in someone’s driveway and proceeded to live there 15 years.  Talk about unwanted guests. This film is adapted from the play by Alan Bennett and Smith played this role on the stage, too. “Lady In The Van” is rated PG 13. No rating.

 

Bleeding Heart (opening in select cities)—Jessica Biel stars as a woman who discovers she has a sister (Zosia Mamet) and that sister is in trouble with an abusive boyfriend.  What to do? Also in the cast is Kate Burton. “Bleeding Heart” is rated R. No rating.

 

DECEMBER 18, 2015…

 

Alvin And The Chipmunks: The Road Chip and fans (you know who you are) get ready for further adventures of  the animated Chipmunks. Need I say more?  Voices of Justin Long, Matthew Gray Gubler and Jesse McCartney.

 

Sisters stars Tina Fey and Amy Poehler in a love/hate sister relationship.

 

The best until last: STAR WARS: THE FORCE AWAKENS and fans will be sleeping on sidewalks by movie theaters to get tickets. New stars Daisy Ridley, John Boyega work with mature stars, such as Harrison Ford and Carrie Fisher. The Force is here!

 

# # # # #

 

 

 

WARNING:  Don’t believe anything you read on the Internet or email (including stuff you read here) unless you can confirm it with another source, and/or it is consistent with what you already know to be true. The opinions in this publication are not necessarily those of Darren Marlar, Marlar House Entertainment, OnAirPrep.com, or any company or organization affiliated with aforementioned. (Regardless of how stupid you may think those opinions are. So there – nyah!)

Darren Marlar credits all non-original material to the author whenever possible. All other material is original, used with permission, or author unknown. We welcome all comments, questions, and suggestions. Darren can be reached via his website at www.DarrenMarlar.com.