December 14, 2015: Monday ONAIRprep

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PRINTER FRIENDLY VERSION: 20151214

 

 

WELCOME TO THE SHOW!

Warning! Portions of the following program have not been planned yet. No telling what may happen.

 

The boss just passed out our Christmas bonuses. Mine was Bubble Yum.

 

 

BIBLE VERSE OF THE DAY

Be joyful in hope, patient in affliction, faithful in prayer. —Romans 12:12

 

Isaiah 55:6 = Seek the Lord while he may be found; call on him while he is near.

 

 

HEARTLIGHT DAILY VERSE, PRAYER & THOUGHT

(From VerseOfTheDay.com)

Rejoice in the LORD, you who are righteous, and praise his holy name. — Psalm 97:12

 

Thought: Joy! Rejoicing! When we think about the glory of God and the grace that he has shared with us to make us righteous, how can we not rejoice? God is gloriously holy and majestic. He is eternal and just. We, on the other hand, are flawed, mortal, limited, and sinful. Yet in his rich mercy, he has made us righteous by the sacrifice of Jesus so that we could share an eternal home with him. Our response must be praise!

 

Prayer: Holy and righteous Father, I praise your name and give thanks for your grace. You are indeed more marvelous than my mind can comprehend and more generous than I can understand. So I offer you my praise, hoping that my life reflects my deep appreciation for all that you are and all that you have done for me. In Jesus’ name I pray. Amen.

 

The Thoughts and Prayers for Today’s Verse are written by Phil Ware. You can email questions or comments to phil@heartlight.org.

 

 

BIRTHDAY VERSE” OF THE DAY

The chapter and verse corresponds to the month and the day!

Hebrews 12:14 NIV = Make every effort to live in peace with everyone and to be holy; without holiness no one will see the Lord.

 

 

TODAY IS MONDAY – DECEMBER 14, 2015

(NOTE: Some holidays may be duplicated due to various calendars reporting conflicting dates)
WEIRD, WACKY, STRANGE, ZANY, ODD, BIZARRE, QUIRKY, UNUSUAL HOLIDAYS!
THERE ARE ONLY 11 SHOPPING DAYS UNTIL CHRISTMAS.  

 

Today is DECK THE HALLS DAY and BUY A TREE DAY. ***MARLAR: You’re behind enough as it is – get to work!

 

Today is TELL SOMEONE THEY’RE DOING A GOOD JOB DAY. ***MARLAR: You can begin by emailing my boss about the great job I’m doing. And that way you’ll also be helping the less fortunate.

 

Today is PLAY AN OLD SONG THAT YOU DIDN’T LIKE TO SEE IF YOU STILL DON’T LIKE IT DAY.  ***MARLAR: I’ve been playing “Jingle Bells” by The Singing Dogs… and I still don’t like it.

 

 

TODAY IS ALSO. . .

Green Monday

Monkey Day

 

 

COMING UP NEXT

TUESDAY, DECEMBER 15

Bill of Rights Day

Cat Herders Day

 

WEDNESDAY, DECEMBER 16

Barbie and Barney Backlash Day

National Chocolate-covered Anything Day

Zionism Day

 

THURSDAY, DECEMBER 17

Clean Air Day

Free Shipping Day

National Re-gifting Day

Wright Brothers Day

 

FRIDAY, DECEMBER 18

Answer The Telephone Like Buddy The Elf Day

Arabic Language Day

International Migrants Day

National Ugly Sweater Day

Underdog Day

 

SATURDAY, DECEMBER 19

(None today)

 

SUNDAY, DECEMBER 20

International Human Solidarity Day

Games Day

Mudd Day

National Sangria Day

Poet Laureat Day

World Day of Prayer and Action for Children

 

MONDAY, DECEMBER 21

Ann & Samantha Day

Celebrate Short Fiction Day

Crossword Puzzle Day

National Flashlight Day

Forefathers Day

Humbug Day

International Dalek Remembrance Day

National Homeless Person’s Remembrance Day

Phileas Fogg Wins a Wager Day

Short Girl Appreciation Day

World Peace Day/Winter Solstice (11:48pm)

Yalda

Yule

 

TUESDAY, DECEMBER 22

(None today)

 

 

ON THIS DAY

1793: America’s first state road was authorized. It would be built from Frankfort, Kentucky to Cincinnati, Ohio. ***MARLAR: Three weeks later they installed the first potholes.

 

1798: David Wilkinson of Rhode Island patented the nut and bolt machine, and also the screw.

 

1836: Frances Ridley Havergal was born in England. She wrote the hymns “Take My Life and Let It Be” and “I Gave My Life for Thee.”

 

1882: In a speech against allowing women to vote, Senator George G. Vest of Missouri declared, “A woman’s place is in the home!”

 

1911: Norwegian explorer Roald Amundsen discovered the South Pole. ***MARLAR: Many people believe that the South Pole was there even before it was discovered though. But there’s no proof of that.

 

1959: Research released at Ohio State University revealed that the overwhelming favorite music of teens 14 to 18 years old was rock ‘n’ roll. It was also the least favorite of those aged 19 to 70.

 

1961: The first ever million seller gold record awarded to a non-rock country song went to Jimmy Dean’s “Big Bad John.”

 

1963: Verne Gagna (Gonya) whipped The Crusher in Minneapolis to become the NWA World Wrestling Champ.

 

1968: Tommy James and the Shondells released “Crimson & Clover.”

 

1977: The movie “Saturday Night Fever” opened in New York, and the sale of polyester leisure suits skyrocketed. The soundtrack album sold 25-million copies worldwide.

 

1985: Wilma Mankiller became the first woman to lead a major Native American tribe, taking office as principal chief of the Cherokee Nation in Oklahoma. ***MARLAR: With a name like “Mankiller” you have to wonder what happened to her competition.

 

1985: America’s winningest high school football coach at the time called it quits at age 71. Gordon Wood of Brownwood High School in Central Texas retired after 43 years. Wood sported a career record of 405 wins, 88 losses and 12 ties. The football stadium at Brownwood High has since been rebuilt and named for him.

 

1988: After losing its first 17 games, the Miami Heat defeated the L.A. Clippers 89-88.

 

1989: New York City police announced they had lost the trail of Sylvia Matos, who had registered her car at 19 addresses with 36 different license plates. She had 2,800 unpaid parking tickets, totaling $171,000 in fines.

 

1991: Michael Jackson’s Dangerous debuted at #1 on the Billboard pop album music chart.

 

1999: Charles M. Schulz announced he was retiring the “Peanuts” comic strip. The last original “Peanuts” comic strip would be published on February 13, 2000. Reruns are still appearing in hundreds of newspapers.

 

2003: A 41-year-old Canadian man who pretended to be a police officer and inadvertently pulled over a real detective for speeding was sentenced to six months in jail. The detective suspected something wasn’t right when he noticed the flashing red lights were on a white Neon.

 

2005: Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad claimed the Holocaust was a “myth” and called for Israel to be moved to Europe or North America.

 

 

TODAY IN CHRISTIAN HISTORY

1853: Illinois Institute is begun by Wesleyan abolitionists. The school became Wheaton College after its president, Jonathan Blanchard, asked local landowner Warren Wheaton for a large property donation, offering to name the school after him and save his heirs the expense of a good monument.

 

 

HOLLYWOOD, SPORTS AND CELEBRITY FIGURE BIRTHDAYS

  • Actress (“Deadly Games”, “Madmen of the People”, Holly on “Fame”) Cynthia “Cindy” Gibb is 52
  • actress (“The Patty Duke Show”) Patty Duke is 69 (
    )

 

 

BEE-BOP BIRTHDAYS

(Music Artist Birthdays From SongFacts.com)

1911 : Spike Jones

1913 : Dan Dailey

1920 : Clark Terry

1932 : Charlie Rich

1932 : Abbe Lane

1943 : Frank Allen (The Searchers)

1946 : Jackie McAuley (Them)

1946 : Joyce Vincent (Tony Orlando and Dawn)

1947 : Patty Duke

1949 : Cliff Williams (AC/DC)

1958 : Peter Stacy (The Pogues)

1958 : Mike Scott (The Waterboys)

1975 : Brian Dalyrimple (Soul For Real)

 

 

SECRETS OF THE UNIVERSE

Why don’t airplane seats have shoulder straps as well as seatbelts, like cars?

I bet you fasten your seatbelt on airplanes. It’s a good way to insure that you do not become part of a human slingshot. But if it’s so important to be strapped in, why don’t the airlines add a shoulder strap to the one that restrains you at the waist? Well, where would such a strap for an aisle seat be anchored? The one in your car is fastened to the floor and the wall. Second, shoulder straps in cars are there to protect against sudden stops. If you ever experience that on a plane, no strap is likely to save you. In fact, turning all of the seats on the plane backwards would provide the same protection that shoulder straps would offer. I suspect this hasn’t been done because airlines do enough things backwards as it is.

 

 

CHRISTIAN ARTIST NEWS

Do you like the Christian Artist News you see below? It’s just a tiny sample of the 5-6 pages of material you could be receive every weekday… and it’s FREE! Become one of their subscribers at ChristianRadioShowPrepServices.com!

 

Grab some hot cocoa or a candy cane, and call your closest friends and family over to gather around the “fire” and relax to the Rend Collective Campfire Christmas album. The Irish worship band has released a 30 minute video featuring a blazing fire with the music from their new Christmas project playing in the background.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6BsNjNOHIoQ&feature=youtu.be

 

Jamie Grace says she dreams big. She was recently listening to the demo of a song she and her sister Morgan recorded in 2011. Jamie says she pitched the song to Reba McEntire. Nothing like starting at the top. Reba is a lifelong hero of Jamie’s.

 

The Sidewalk Prophets Ben McDonald says his road manager skills came in handy this week. He says his wife woke him up at 4:30am to announce that the water in their home wasn’t working. That’s when Ben’s road manager skills kicked in. No, they didn’t help him fix the water problem. But Ben says he was able to quickly book a hotel so running water would be available.

 

Chris and Jodi were celebrating Christmas as a twosome this week but that is about to change. The couple that makes up Love and the Outcome shared several pictures from a recent Christmas party. They added: Next year there’ll be three of us at this party. Jodi is 30 weeks along

http://twitter.com/loveandoutcome/status/674798233370107904/photo/1

 

After a four month hiatus, Francesca Battistelli is back. Francesca this week released her first blog since August. She says that her pregnancy and touring have kept her swamped and she is just finally able to come up for air. And just in time for Christmas, Francesca is sharing her thoughts on getting gifts for your children. Last year Francesca and her husband adopted the “Want, Need, Wear, Read” philosophy of gift-giving for their kids, and she says it was such a success. She added: We really want them to have a healthy view of Christmas, and part of that is not going overboard with gifts, and focusing on others.

http://www.honeycombblog.com/

 

Blanca is now featured on a drum head. The Christian artist and former member of Group 1 Crew this week announced the release of the limited edition Drum heads designed by her husband. The feature Blanca’s picture along with the words March to the beat of a Different Drum.

https://www.instagram.com/p/_FerZDxF4c/

 

Randy from Phillips, Craig & Dean, was feeling especially powerful recently. He shared a picture as he flexed with UFC fighter Paul Kimball before the show in Watertown. Randy added: He’s lucky I had my concert clothes on.

 

The Newsboys are planning to be busy in 2016. Drummer Duncan Phillips announced this week that the first half of the new year will be dominated by a new album and the movie God’s Not Dead 2. Duncan said: Can’t wait to see the impact of it all! Thanks for all your unending support

https://www.tsu.co/duncan/101025184

 

Jamie Grace shared this week: I’ve been overwhelmed with a lot lately. My mom is fighting a very difficult and excruciating battle with her health, I’m very anxious about recording and releasing new music and don’t know when I can, if you follow me on snapchat you’ve seen that my asthma has gotten to the point where singing is challenging… all of these things have taken a difficult toll of my entire family and I’m sincerely asking you to pray for all of us. http://fb.me/3zoLDuL75

 

Matt Maher has been extremely busy since learning earlier this week that he has been nominated for two grammy’s. Matt commented: it feels a bit weird that my name gets singled out, but I’m grateful. And grateful that what I do affords me the opportunity to spend time with my wife and children. So grateful to all the amazing people who have poured into what I do, and grateful to The Grammys for their advocacy on behalf of the music industry and music educators.

https://www.instagram.com/p/_A2OgSoURl/

 

Sanctus Real has chosen a new lead singer but they aren’t letting the cat out of the bag just yet. The band this week released the first in a series of videos talking about long time front man Matt Hamitt leaving the band and the process of selecting of a new lead singer. In the video they say a new front man has been selected but details are sparse. They promise more answers throughout the month.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=S5ZknRA-K2o

 

 

NEWS KICKERS

(No news on the weekends. Audio clips are only valid for a few days before being removed from our servers.)

 

NEW NEWS KICKERS…

Several hundred Americans are hospitalized annually from injuries resulting from eating Christmas ornaments.  ***Some people will do anything to get away from turkey leftovers.

 

President Obama made it known last week he wants a loophole closed that allows persons on the terrorist “no-fly” watch list to buy guns in the US.  *** Because that would’ve totally stopped 9/11 when they hijacked planes with box cutters.  (AUDIO: Short clip from President Obama’s televised speech.)

 

Jeb Bush thinks Donald Trump could be running for president as a way of helping Hillary Clinton get to the Oval Office.  ***And if Hillary wins, the plan is to assign Trump the office of “Secretary Of Political Correctness.”

 

A UK teen wanted by the police is not only on the lam, but was made fun of so badly that the police department took his photo off their Facebook page. Caylan Clossick is wanted in connection with a burglary. Cops posted his mugshot to their Facebook page on December 7, and people started mocking him — primarily for his ears. The picture has since been deleted.  ***Although, if you’re a teenage burglar, the name of “Dumbo” does seem appropriate. (Photo)

 

 

NEWS KICKER EVERGREENS…

Food allergies affect about one in 13 U.S. children, double the latest government estimate, a new study suggests.  The researchers say about 40 percent of them have severe reactions – a finding they hope will erase misconceptions that food allergies are just like hay fever and other seasonal allergies that are troublesome but not dangerous.  Overall, 8 percent of the children studied had food allergies; peanuts and milk were the most common sources. That translates to nearly 6 million U.S. children.  ***MARLAR: However, some experts speculate that it may not actually be allergies, but just that these kids’ moms have no business being in the kitchen.

 

A survey reveals that more than a third of us assault our computers, in one way or another, because the machines frustrate us.  ***MARLAR: I think it begins when we disrespect our computer by calling it “Mac” (Mack).

 

A food pyramid just for the under-2 set? Contrary to popular belief, children don’t usually outgrow their baby fat – and a recent report urges steps to help prevent babies, toddlers and preschoolers from getting too pudgy too soon.  That’s a growing problem: Already, one in five preschoolers – 2- to 5-year-olds – is overweight or obese.  Topping the list of proposed changes: better guidelines to help parents and caregivers know just how much toddlers should eat as they move from baby food to bigger-kid fare. And making sure preschoolers get at least 15 minutes of physical activity for every hour they spend in child care.  ***MARLAR: 15 minutes of physical activity for every hour they spend in child care.  Can we move that up to the adult life too?  How about if we work an eight hour day, we get two hours of recess?

 

A study shows 30% of mothers in this country can’t afford to buy diapers. Researchers at Yale University surveyed pregnant and parenting women and nearly a third said they were in “diaper need.”  ***MARLAR: Missing from this story – the solution to this dilemma.  What are mothers using instead of diapers?  The story doesn’t say.  Do you just follow the baby with a bucket and hope to be there in time?

 

 

WONDER WOMAN

CLICK HERE TO DOWNLOAD TODAY’S EPISODE… “Sign-Maker Strike”

 

 

DAILY COMEDY CLIP

CLICK HERE TO DOWNLOAD TODAY’S EPISODE… Tim Hawkins, “Cosco”

 

 

AS THE JUNGLE TURNS – WEEKDAY VERSION

CLICK HERE TO DOWNLOAD MONDAY’S EPISODE
CHRISTMAS EPISODE!

 

OPEN: And now, FancyMonkey.com, (Show Name), and (Station Call Letters) bring you As the Jungle Turns! When last we left the jungle island of Razzleflabbin, Marvy Snuffleson was confused about some Christmas gift-giving. Olaf sold his race track to buy Karl some bicycle tires. But Karl sold his bicycle in order to purchase racing cars for Olaf! Yet, they’re both happy…

 

CLOSE: From all of us at (Station Call Letters), (Show Name), and from everyone at FancyMonkey.com – have a very Merry Christmas!

 

 

AS THE JUNGLE TURNS – SATURDAY/SUNDAY VERSION

CLICK HERE TO DOWNLOAD THE EPISODE FOR THE WEEKEND OF DECEMBER 19/20

 

OPEN: And now, FancyMonkey.com, (Show Name), and (Station Call Letters) bring you As the Jungle Turns! When last we left the jungle, all of the jungle animals had pretty much stopped making all of their own decisions in what to do during the day, because they had a new friend in the jungle – a small lion. And lions are king of the jungle, so now all decisions, big and small, are being decided by the little guy…

 

CLOSE: Uh oh, looks like the jungle animals might be thinking about changing their mind about their new king! Will they plan an animal coup? We’ll find out next time, As the Jungle Turns!

 

***You may simulcast “As the Jungle Turns” on the Internet stream of your live broadcast only. Any other Internet use of As the Jungle Turns in whole or part including podcasting of your live broadcast is a violation of copyright law. Thank you for your cooperation on this vitally important issue. If you have any questions, please e-mail us.

 

 

MOMENT OF DUH

Today’s Moment of Duh takes place in and around the post office!

An employment agency in Northampton in the UK provided a postal facility with temporary mail carriers. Only one problem though: those temporary mail carriers couldn’t read English! Unfortunately this was not found out until they all ended up getting lost during their rounds because they could not read street signs. They had to be picked up and returned to the sorting facility. Postal officials say “We have gone back to the employment agency to re-address with them what our requirements are.”

 

 

TOP TEN

TOP TEN GIFTS WIVES DON’T WANT FOR CHRISTMAS

 

  1. A car wash kit

 

  1. A table saw

 

  1. Two all-day passes to Circuit City’s Home Theatre Installation Seminar

 

  1. A case of oil

 

  1. Five-year subscription to Sports Illustrated

 

  1. Custom engraved bowling ball

 

  1. New outboard motor for fishing boat

 

  1. Rambo movies on DVD

 

  1. New satellite dish with sports package

 

  1. Three-year membership to Weight-Watchers Clinic

 

 

THE FILES OF LAW & DISORDER

A prison lets some prisoners escape… again! It’s the second time in a month!

 

FILE #1: Borgo prison became the laughing stock of France recently when three prisoners walked free through its open doors after wardens fell for a fake fax ordering their release. Well, it’s happened to them again! This time it was escape by helicopter. Prison authorities said two masked men hijacked an emergency services helicopter just after it delivered a patient to a hospital in Bastia and forced the pilot to fly to the jail at Borgo, in the north of the Mediterranean island. Once over the prison, the hijackers lowered a cable for a prisoner, recently arrested on drug trafficking charges, to grab and be hoisted up into the helicopter. The three then had the pilot land at a nearby beach, where they met accomplices waiting with an escape car and a motorcycle.

 

FILE #2: A guard at a Turkish state bank robbed his own cashiers and then passed out $25,000 to passers-by outside of the bank. The security guard brandished his pistol and forced a teller to empty a safe before running out into the street firing in the air, cash spilling out of the bag he was carrying. When he noticed the escaping cash, he threw some in the air, and handed out the rest to passers-by and shopkeepers. The guard had been working for four years at Emlak Bank, which Turkey now plans to close. Police said he was depressed at the prospect of losing his job.

 

FILE #3: Ronald Cain broke into a residence and headed for the garage where he spotted a lawn mower he thought he might like to take home with him. But first, for reasons known only to the criminal mastermind, he felt the need to do some alterations on it. He was banging on the mower with a hammer when the homeowner returned home, who called the cops that came by and arrested the lawnmower man. By the way, the homeowner said there was nothing wrong with the mower. Maybe the guy just really hates lawn equipment!

 

STRANGE LAW: In Marion, Oregon ministers are forbidden from eating garlic or onions before delivering a sermon.

 

 

THIS IS YOUR BRAIN ON DRUGS

River rafting can be dangerous – especially if your idea of a flotation device is a six pack.

Thomas Williams and two roommates decided to go rafting on the Colorado River near Vail, Colorado. Instead of hiring an experienced guide, they bought a blow-up raft from Wal-Mart. Instead of life jackets, they brought along a couple of 12-packs of beer. The river in the area they chose includes “Class III” rapids. An experienced guide saw their raft overturn and rescued them — barely. Williams said afterward, “I was under for so long I just blacked out.”  Then again, that might also have been the beer.

 

 

PHONER PHUN

What did you WANT for Christmas, but NEVER got? What was it? My Little Pony? Rock-Em-Sock-Em Robots? Ball in-A-Cup? Evel Knievel Stunt Cycle? (If you have that last one, can I come over and play??)

 

 

BIBLE BRAIN BUSTER!

QUESTION: Who did Peter heal of long-term palsy?
ANSWER: Aeneas (Acts 9:33-34)

 

 

QUESTION IMPOSSIBLE

QUESTION: A University of Maryland study found that 65% of medical professionals said they hadn’t done this in a week – and nearly 16% said they hadn’t done it in a month. What?

ANSWER: Washed their lab coats.

 

 

TRUE OR FALSE

Pay attention! If our next player doesn’t answer all ten T/F questions correctly we start all over from question #1! First person to answer question #10 correctly is our winner!

  1. The world’s first auto speed limit was 20 mph. (True… it was posted in England in 1903. That same year, Alexander Winston set the world land record at Daytona Beach, FL, with 68.18 mph.)

 

  1. The first person to die in an airplane crash was Army Lt. Thomas Selfridge, who crashed over Fort Myer, VA, on Sept. 17, 1908. His co-pilot was Orville Wright. (True)

 

  1. Human birth control pills also work on gorillas. (True)

 

  1. Jimmy Carter was the first U.S. president born in a hospital. (True)

 

  1. Much like we throw rice at newlywed couples in America to wish them luck, the Japanese throw raw hotdogs at their brides and groom. (False)

 

  1. A bowl of Wheaties contains more than twice as much sodium as a bag of potato chips. (True)

 

  1. Peanuts are one of the main ingredients in dynamite. (True)

 

  1. A moment lasts exactly 90 seconds. (True)

 

  1. The airplanes legendary “black box” is really only gray. (False – it’s ORANGE!)

 

  1. The worst time to reach the IRS is Monday around 1pm. (True)

 

 

TABLOID MATCH GAME

You have to match the blank in the tabloid headline with the word or phrase that has been removed!

THE ________ POLICE ARE COMING! (FAT)

WASHINGTON – The Obama Administration has formed the world’s first Fat Police unit.  They’re mission:  arrest the obese.

The Obama Administration announced yesterday that they have formed a special law enforcement squad that will work under the direction of the FBI.   This police unit will be charged with arresting people who are obese and forcing them to eat healthy – or else go to jail.

The first FPU (Fat Police Unit) is made up of 12 former elite SWAT team members.  The Obama Administration hopes to have over 500 hundred FPUs around the country by the middle of February. “We are creating jobs and keeping Americans fit at the same time,” White House Press Secretary Jay Carney reportedly said.

FPUs will have wide-ranging authority when it comes to the obese (defined as anyone 20 pounds overweight or more).   FPUs will patrol the streets, schools and office buildings.  If they spot a citizen that is obese eating anything containing sugar, fat or carbs (anything other than fruits, vegetables and tofu), then they have the federal authority to arrest that person – or fine them (fines start at $2,000 per warning).

The Obama Administration said that it will be creating over two dozen Federal Fat Farms (detention centers), in which those arrested for “fat crimes” will be held captive until they get their BMI levels below 30 (optimal BMI is below 25).

“Bad Eaters” (as the FP call them) will also be forced to workout 5-6 hours every day while on the Fat Farms.

 

 

THE WAY TOO EARLY IN THE MORNING TO UNDERSTAND THE PUNCHLINE EVEN AFTER TWO CUPS OF COFFEE JOKE OF THE DAY

JOKE #1

It was Christmas and the judge was in a benevolent mood as he questioned the prisoner. “What are you charged with?” he asked.

“Doing my Christmas shopping early,” replied the defendant.

“That’s no offense,” replied the judge. “How early were you doing this shopping?”

“Before the store opened,” countered the prisoner.

 

JOKE #2

Realizing at the last minute that it was his father’s birthday, a teenage boy rushed to the corner store to grab a card.

He quickly found a son-to-father card, but neglected to read it carefully.

Later when his father opened his gifts, he was surprised to read aloud, 

”Happy birthday to a wonderful Dad.  Now that I’m a father too .  .  .”

 

JOKE #3

TECHNICAL NIGHT BEFORE CHRISTMAS

‘Twas the Night Before Christmas’ as written by a technical writer for a firm that does Government contracting…

‘Twas the nocturnal segment of the diurnal period preceding the annual Yuletide celebration, and throughout our place of residence, kinetic activity was not in evidence among the possessors of this potential, including that species of domestic rodent known as Mus musculus. Hosiery was meticulously suspended from the forward edge of the wood burning caloric apparatus, pursuant to our anticipatory pleasure regarding an imminent visitation from an eccentric philanthropist among whose folkloric appellations is the honorific title of St. Nicholas.

The prepubescent siblings, comfortably ensconced in their respective accommodations of repose, were experiencing subconscious visual hallucinations of variegated fruit confections moving rhythmically through their cerebrums. My conjugal partner and I, attired in our nocturnal head coverings, were about to take slumberous advantage of the hibernal darkness when upon the avenaceous exterior portion of the grounds there ascended such a cacophony of dissonance that I felt compelled to arise with alacrity from my place of repose for the purpose of ascertaining the precise source thereof.

Hastening to the casement, I forthwith opened the barriers sealing this fenestration, noting thereupon that the lunar brilliance without, reflected as it was on the surface of a recent crystalline precipitation, might be said to rival that of the solar meridian itself – thus permitting my incredulous optical sensory organs to behold a miniature airborne runnered conveyance drawn by eight diminutive specimens of the genus Rangifer, piloted by a minuscule, aged chauffeur so ebullient and nimble that it became instantly apparent to me that he was indeed our anticipated caller. With his ungulate motive power travelling at what may possibly have been more vertiginous velocity than patriotic alar predators, he vociferated loudly, expelled breath musically through contracted labia, and addressed each of the octet by his or her respective cognomen – “Now Dasher, now Dancer…” et al. – guiding them to the uppermost exterior level of our abode, through which structure I could readily distinguish the concatenations of each of the 32 cloven pedal extremities.

As I retracted my cranium from its erstwhile location, and was performing a 180-degree pivot, our distinguished visitant achieved – with utmost celerity and via a downward leap – entry by way of the smoke passage. He was clad entirely in animal pelts soiled by the ebony residue from oxidations of carboniferous fuels which had accumulated on the walls thereof. His resemblance to a street vendor I attributed largely to the plethora of assorted playthings which he bore dorsally in a commodious cloth receptacle.

His orbs were scintillant with reflected luminosity, while his submaxillary dermal indentations gave every evidence of engaging amiability. The capillaries of his malar regions and nasal appurtenance were engorged with blood which suffused the subcutaneous layers, the former approximating the coloration of Albion’s floral emblem, the latter that of the Prunus avium, or sweet cherry. His amusing sub- and supralabials resembled nothing so much as a common loop knot, and their ambient hirsute facial adornment appeared like small, tabular and columnar crystals of frozen water.

Clenched firmly between his incisors was a smoking piece whose grey fumes, forming a tenuous ellipse about his occiput, were suggestive of a decorative seasonal circlet of holly. His visage was wider than it was high, and when he waxed audibly mirthful, his corpulent abdominal region undulated in the manner of impectinated fruit syrup in a hemispherical container. He was, in short, neither more nor less than an obese, jocund, multigenarian gnome, the optical perception of whom rendered me visibly frolicsome despite every effort to refrain from so being. By rapidly lowering and then elevating one eyelid and rotating his head slightly to one side, he indicated that trepidation on my part was groundless.

Without utterance and with dispatch, he commenced filling the aforementioned appended hosiery with various of the aforementioned articles of merchandise extracted from his aforementioned previously dorsally transported cloth receptacle. Upon completion of this task, he executed an abrupt about- face, placed a single manual digit in lateral juxtaposition to his olfactory organ, inclined his cranium forward in a gesture of leave-taking, and forthwith effected his egress by renegotiating (in reverse) the smoke passage.

He then propelled himself in a short vector onto his conveyance, directed a musical expulsion of air through his contracted oral sphincter to the antlered quadrupeds of burden, and proceeded to soar aloft in a movement hitherto observable chiefly among the seed-bearing portions of a common weed. But I overheard his parting exclamation, audible immediately prior to his vehiculation beyond the limits of visibility: “Ecstatic Yuletide to the planetary constituency, and to that self same assemblage, my sincerest wishes for a salubriously beneficial and gratifyingly pleasurable period between sunset and dawn.”

 

 

USELESS FACTS

The University of Birmingham, England, found that if you let certain germs feed on chocolate nougat and caramel, they produce enough hydrogen to power a small fan. Instead of throwing away uneaten chocolate, candy companies could use the bacteria to convert it into hydrogen to run their factories or to sell to energy companies.  ***MARLAR: Where do you find uneaten chocolate?

 

Hollywood producers say they are bringing the 1970’s TV series Kung Fu to the big screen. ***MARLAR: You knew Ralph Macchio would have to get work again eventually!

 

Individuals with higher IQs are 3 times more likely to suffer from depression because of increased brain activity.  ***MARLAR: Ah – so THAT’S why I’m always in a bad mood!

 

 

FEATURED FUNNIES

FIRST DAY ANSWER

The child comes home from his first day at school. His Mother asks, “Well, what did you learn today?”

The kid replies, “Not enough. They want me to come back tomorrow.”

 

 

IT MUST BE TRUE BECAUSE I HEARD IT ON THE RADIO!

Apparently it is true… you really can find love anywhere.

Two prisoners in an Ivory Coast jail apparently fell in love through a peephole in an iron door. Both were released for a few hours to get married. The groom was Roland Guy Bouabre, who was serving a 3-year sentence for stealing a bicycle.  The bride was Emilie Yobouet, who was given a one-year sentence for kidnapping a child.  They met while Roland was delivering groceries in the prison for Emilie to cook. He would take the groceries to the iron door and then a guard would deliver them. Emilie actually completed her sentence two days after the wedding but brings food to the jail each day to supplement her new husband’s meager prison diet. ***MARLAR:  So let me get this right — in The Ivory Coast — if you steal a bike it’s 3 years — but if you steal a kid it’s 1 year? Who’s running that justice system?

 

 

INSPIRATIONAL INSPIRATION

FAMILY 

“The greatest gift we can give our children is to let them know that there is a God who loves them and knows them by name. We must teach our sons and daughters that the God of the Universe is intensely interested and familiar with every aspect of their lives and wants what is best for them. Today’s culture teaches even the young child that he is here by accident, and that he is just another creature on a big, impersonal planet, no different from any other animal. It’s no wonder that kids today are experiencing depression and loneliness in record numbers. … A few years ago the mantra was, ‘It’s quality time, not quantity time, that counts.’ WRONG! Kids need a good dose of both from their parents. If we think we can spend one great hour a day with our kids and counteract the negative garbage they’re getting from the culture ’24/7,’ we’re fooling ourselves.” –Rebecca Hagelin

 

 

DRIVE TIME DEVOTIONAL

MIXING BOWL MUSINGS

“The things which are impossible with men are possible with God.” —Luke 18:27

Countless times I’ve heard myself say, “I’m going to bake a cake.” Then one day I realized that I’ve never baked a cake in my life—only my oven can do that. I simply mix the right ingredients and allow the oven to do its part. Through that division of labor, I have the joy of seeing others taste and enjoy delicious cake.

God used my mixing-bowl musings to clarify a dilemma I once had after starting a neighborhood Bible study. It was one thing to bring my neighbors together to study the Bible, but seeing them believe and follow Christ was another. I felt powerless. Suddenly I saw the obvious. Like baking cakes, making Christians was impossible for me, but not for God. I had blended the right ingredients—an open home, friendship, love. Now I had to trust the Holy Spirit, through His Word, to do His work. When I cooperated with that division of labor, I had the joy of seeing others taste of God’s goodness.

In Luke 18:18-27, Jesus so vividly described some hindrances to saving faith that His listeners began to wonder if anyone could be saved. Do you feel that way about someone? Be encouraged by the Lord’s strong reminder that there are some things that only God can do. Saving people is one of them. —Joanie Yoder

 

The Lord’s the only one who can
Transform a person’s heart;
But when we share God’s saving truth,
We play a crucial part. —Sper

 

We sow the seed, but God brings the harvest.

 

 

LEFTOVERS

SUPERKID

Imaging growing up with the name “Superman” on your birth certificate!
Swedish authorities have turned down a request by two parents to register Superman as a name for their child.  The parents wanted their son to be named after the superhero because they say he was born with one arm pointing upwards, the position Superman flies in.  The authorities said ‘no’, arguing the name could lead to the boy being subjected to ridicule in later life.  An appeals court has also upheld the ruling.  ***MARLAR: Of course you can’t call the kid “Superman” –what if the kid starts believing it?  Do you really want your son walking around the neighborhood with red and blue long johns?

 

 

LIFE… LIVE IT

200 QUICK AND SIMPLE LIFE HACKS

  • Remove a broken key from a lock: Put some super glue on broken off part, insert, hold a few seconds and pull.
  • Straighten warped records: Place record between two sheets of glass, let sit in the sun for awhile.
  • How to revive old razor blades: Rub them back and forth inside a drinking glass.
  • Get water out of your watch: Strap watch to light bulb, turn on for a few minutes. Water drops will form on glass. Open up and wipe off.
  • Open a stuck zipper: Spray the zipper with shaving cream.
  • Easily untie a knot in a chain: Cover the knot generously with cold cream.
  • Eliminate odors from the disposal: Throw a lemon in it and let it be ground up.
  • Eliminate popcorn duds: Freeze it first then it all will pop.

See the rest of the list here.

 

 

JUST FOR FUN

WE ARE THE WORLD

How much is the world worth? You might be surprised how little it’s valued at!

How much is the world worth?  Impossible to answer that question, you say? Well not according to scientists, ecologists and economists. According to them, nature provides a tangible service and therefore can be quantified. It must be quantified, they say, in order for economic decisions to be made regarding the planet and its resources. Thirteen of the brainiacs previously mentioned estimated the global worth to be between 17 and 54 trillion dollars.  The consensus is around $33-trillion.  ***MARLAR: Sad… our Federal deficit is almost equal to the actual value of the entire world!  We should sell off the planet to take care of our debts. Of course, it’d have to be someone who could afford to buy the world… like Brad and Angelina.

 

 

FUN LIST

SIGNS YOU BOUGHT A BAD CHRISTMAS TREE

  • Two feet tall, forty feet wide
  • It looks suspiciously like a broom handle with a lot of coat hangers stuck into it.
  • Each branch has “Duraflame” printed on it.
  • You dragged the tree to the house from your car – but not from the roof or trunk of your car, but from the rear-view mirror where it was hanging.
  • Tomatoes are growing on it.
  • It was made by the Fuller Brush Company.

 

 

MORE SHOW PREP STUFF…

McLAWSUIT

What is it with people suing McDonald’s all the time? A New Jersey man is suing McDonald’s for injuries that he claims he sustained from an auto accident caused by a McDonald’s customer. John Carter claims the customer who hit him did so after spilling his McDonald’s chocolate shake onto his lap, while reaching over for his fries. He alleges that McDonald’s sold their customer food knowing he would consume it while driving and without announcing a warning to the effect, “Don’t Eat & Drive”. He is suing for $10,000.   ***MARLAR: Sounds like someone should’ve ordered a McBrain…and possibly a McConscience.

 

 

OTHER STUFF I WANT TO CRAM INTO TODAY’S PREP

WestJet — an airline known for its Christmas marketing stunts — last week was on a mission to perform 12,000 “mini miracles” in 24 hours. According to WestJet’s Blue Santa, A mini miracle is “a simple act of kindness that evokes a positive response from someone,” whether that’s a free coffee or a trip to Vancouver. On Wednesday, WestJet’s Santa began his journey across Canada from Halifax to Vancouver, performing mini miracles in the spirit of Christmas. WestJet employee street teams were also out, doing good deeds in 10 different time zones from London to Hawaii. In order to make the goal of 12,000, WestJet challenged people around the world to contribute by completing their own miracles and tweeting with #WestJetChristmas.

http://on.mash.to/1SOvLWK

 

Focus on the Family hopes to help a young girl receive a lot of Christmas cards. Focus President Jim Daly recently shared her story on his blog. He says Safyre Terry is an 8-year-old girl from New York who lost her father and three siblings in a house fire back in 2013 and suffered burns on over 75% of her body. Recently, Safyre expressed one wish this Christmas season; she’d love to receive Christmas cards. Jim said: You can send them to P.O. Box 6126, Schenectady NY 12306

http://jimdaly.focusonthefamily.com/would-you-be-willing-to-send-this-young-girl-a-card/

 

Here’s something to restore your faith in people. Last week the Calgary Hitmen minor league hockey team held their annual “teddy bear toss” game. In the 2nd period, Jordy Stallard got the first goal of the contest for the home team. That was the signal for plush toys to be tossed on to the ice. By the time the fans were done, the ice was littered with more than TWENTY EIGHT THOUSAND of them! Officials say it’s a new world record. The bears will go to 50 different local charities.  http://ow.ly/VL7Jd

 

Joni and Friends is out with a fun activity for kids during the holidays. They have released the cards for Christmas Bingo for Kids. Download the five cards at http://ow.ly/VG2Qn.

 

 

AND I LEAVE YOU WITH THIS THOUGHT

Gotta go… there’s a big ruckus going on in our front office. Something about the boss bringing in a fingerprint expert to examine the contents of the suggestion box.

 

 

THE WAY WE WORK

(Updated as it comes available. The Way WE Work is written by Mark Elfstrand from 1160Hope.com in Chicago.)

 

Who IS This Guy?

 

Occasionally you meet people, read an article, or hear a speaker, and you think, “I’d like to spend some time with this person.” One on one. You know, to get inside their head a little deeper.

Recently, I came across the name of M.S. Rao from India. Rao identifies himself in his blogs, his Wikipedia contribution, and his publicity material as Professor M.S. Rao. He is the founder of MSR Leadership Consultants. From India, he’s highly respected within a number of business circles.

Rao has written a number of interesting blogs, has spoken at many leadership events, and apparently has written some 30 books in this field. Along with that, certain web pages feature solid testimonials as to his abilities. He has video presentations, too.

Professor Rao loves leadership ideas, techniques, and visionary ideas. He identifies his own vision as “to build one million students as global leaders by the year 2030.” I like big picture guys.

One of his blogs relates to one of my personal favorite topics: mindset. This is the embedded way we process any number of things, holding dear to a set of beliefs that shape the way we respond. To influence or change a person’s mindset is quite difficult, yet that is the business in which I am engaged (talk radio).

Professor Rao’s areas of interest and expertise include Leadership, Executive Coaching, and Executive Education. He reportedly has conducted training programs for various corporations and educational institutions. Rao is equipped with 34 years of experience in leadership development.

A few things intrigued me about Professor Rao. One raises a bit of yellow flag. Before I get to that, here are two items that caught my attention.

The first is his writing on the subject of his term “soft leadership” — of which he is described as the “father” of this topic. From an interview, Professor Rao states, “Soft leadership emphasizes the significance of precious human resources. It helps in managing the emotions, egos, and feelings of the people successfully. It focuses on the personality, attitude, and behavior of the people, and calls for making others feel more important.” I like that.

In contrast to servant leadership, Rao notes: “Soft leadership takes support of soft skills, persuasive, and negotiation skills to get the tasks executed effectively. In contrast, servant leadership is about serving others.” His teaching on this contains 11 characteristics I’ve yet to review.

A second Rao item of interest to me was his very good review of the book, The Top Ten Mistakes Leaders Make by Hans Finzel. I have interviewed Finzel on a couple of occasions. It’s good material from an openly Christian perspective. (Rao’s summary can be found at at http://profmsr.blogspot.com/2010/05/book-review-by-profmsrao-top-10.html)

So what’s my “yellow flag of caution” on Rao? I ask…who IS this guy? I can’t find any educational background. Or where he teaches…outside of perhaps his own organization. He earned his “PhD in Soft Leadership,” which seems to be something HE’S developed.

If I didn’t think it so unlikely, I’d believe he’s raised himself up as a leadership guru (his term) and built a fine reputation by creating his own educational world. There’s no law against doing this. Nor does a lack of a PhD from a highly respected school (or a bachelor’s degree or a masters) deny you the right to call yourself “guru.” Or doctor…I suppose.

Let me clearly state that Professor Rao may have some educational credentials that for some reason don’t appear on his Facebook page, Linked In, or his own Wikipedia write up. But one has to admit…that is strange. Maybe guru schools are hard to come by.

But to my point, I would really enjoy some personal time with this fellow. He seems to have a tender heart, very good motives in what he is doing, and is a clear thinker. All things I like.

Another small mystery is where Rao’s spiritual beliefs are centered. Various faith traditions teach respect and honor for our fellow man — good to apply in all of business. The fact the Rao covered a Christian leadership book by Finzel also favorably impressed me. Spiritual foundations tell a lot.

Jesus of Nazareth had no earthly teaching credentials as well. He was the son of a carpenter. His family offered no pedigree.

But He amazed people with His teaching. The Gospel of John records it this way:
“…Jesus went up to the Temple and began teaching. The Jews were amazed and remarked, “How does this man know all this—he has never been taught?” Jesus replied to them, “My teaching is not really mine but comes from the one who sent me. If anyone wants to do God’s will, he will know whether my teaching is from God or whether I merely speak on my own authority. A man who speaks on his own authority has an eye for his own reputation. But the man who is considering the glory of God who sent him is a true man. There can be no dishonesty about him.” (John 7:17-18, Phillips)

Elsewhere, it says Jesus spoke as one who had authority.

My friend, read His words. Listen to His message. Observe His wisdom.

You might find yourself asking, “Who IS this guy??”

That’s The Way WE Work. Click on the link to the right to connect via Facebook.

 

Catch “Let’s Talk with Mark Elfstrand” weekday afternoons from 4-6pm on AM 1160 Hope for Your Life. To listen to the live broadcast or a podcast of previous shows click here.

 

 

THE TICKET Movie Reviews with MARIE ASNER

Marie Asner has been reviewing films for over 30 years. Her outlets include radio, print and Internet. For more in-depth movie reviews of the following films, visit www.Tollbooth.org. Ratings from 1 (Low) to 5 (High).

 

DECEMBER 11, 2015…

 

In The Heart Of The Sea—Just like Russell Crowe’s film of a few years back, “Master and Commander,” the sea film footage is spectacular with special effects, too.  Men are like a speck on the ocean and no communication when the whale attacks. This isn’t the entire story, though. Chris Hemsworth stars as one of the officers. “In The Heart Of The Sea” is rated R. Rating of 4.

 

Lady In The Van (opening in select cities)—Maggie Smith (“Downton Abbey”) stars as Miss Mary Shepherd, who “kind of “ parked her van in someone’s driveway and proceeded to live there 15 years.  Talk about unwanted guests. This film is adapted from the play by Alan Bennett and Smith played this role on the stage, too. “Lady In The Van” is rated PG 13. No rating.

 

Bleeding Heart (opening in select cities)—Jessica Biel stars as a woman who discovers she has a sister (Zosia Mamet) and that sister is in trouble with an abusive boyfriend.  What to do? Also in the cast is Kate Burton. “Bleeding Heart” is rated R. No rating.

 

DECEMBER 18, 2015…

 

Alvin And The Chipmunks: The Road Chip and fans (you know who you are) get ready for further adventures of  the animated Chipmunks. Need I say more?  Voices of Justin Long, Matthew Gray Gubler and Jesse McCartney.

 

Sisters stars Tina Fey and Amy Poehler in a love/hate sister relationship.

 

The best until last: STAR WARS: THE FORCE AWAKENS and fans will be sleeping on sidewalks by movie theaters to get tickets. New stars Daisy Ridley, John Boyega work with mature stars, such as Harrison Ford and Carrie Fisher. The Force is here!

 

# # # # #

 

 

 

WARNING:  Don’t believe anything you read on the Internet or email (including stuff you read here) unless you can confirm it with another source, and/or it is consistent with what you already know to be true. The opinions in this publication are not necessarily those of Darren Marlar, Marlar House Entertainment, OnAirPrep.com, or any company or organization affiliated with aforementioned. (Regardless of how stupid you may think those opinions are. So there – nyah!)

Darren Marlar credits all non-original material to the author whenever possible. All other material is original, used with permission, or author unknown. We welcome all comments, questions, and suggestions. Darren can be reached via his website at www.DarrenMarlar.com.