December 14, 2016: Wednesday ONAIRprep

***DAILY DOSE OF WEIRD NEWS – FREE TO AIR! (Need to receive this earlier than when it’s posted? Get FTP access and receive a fully-produced version FREE with a customized tag specifically for your station or show! Contact me with your ONAIRprep username for details!)

AND NOW… ON WITH THE SHOW!

PRINTER FRIENDLY VERSION: 20161214

WELCOME TO THE SHOW!

Warning! Portions of the following program have not been planned yet. No telling what may happen.

The boss just passed out our Christmas bonuses. Mine was Bubble Yum.

BIBLE VERSE OF THE DAY

Be joyful in hope, patient in affliction, faithful in prayer. —Romans 12:12

Isaiah 55:6 = Seek the Lord while he may be found; call on him while he is near.

HEARTLIGHT DAILY VERSE, PRAYER & THOUGHT

(From VerseOfTheDay.com)

I tell you, whoever acknowledges me before men, the Son of Man will also acknowledge him before the angels of God. — Luke 12:8

Thought: What a simple way to inherit a blessing. Let’s make sure that we don’t fall into the trap of Peter during the night of Jesus’ arrest — strong when in the presence of friends and weak in the presence of those who are hostile. Let’s be ready to share our faith with friends with “gentleness and respect” (1 Pet. 3:15). Let’s be willing to be openly identified as one of Jesus’ disciples and show it by our words and deeds. Let’s confess that Jesus is our Lord by our lives and our lips for all the world to see.

Prayer: Dear God, give me courage and wisdom to appropriately acknowledge Jesus as Lord before my friends, co-workers, and colleagues in a way that honors Christ and that is respectful of them. In Jesus’ name I pray. Amen.

The Thoughts and Prayers for Today’s Verse are written by Phil Ware. You can email questions or comments to phil@heartlight.org.

BIRTHDAY VERSE” OF THE DAY (The chapter and verse corresponds to the month and the day!)

Hebrews 12:14 NIV = Make every effort to live in peace with everyone and to be holy; without holiness no one will see the Lord.

TODAY IS WEDNESDAY – DECEMBER 14, 2016

(NOTE: Some holidays may be duplicated due to various calendars reporting conflicting dates)
WEIRD, WACKY, STRANGE, ZANY, ODD, BIZARRE, QUIRKY, UNUSUAL HOLIDAYS!
THERE ARE ONLY
11 SHOPPING DAYS UNTIL CHRISTMAS.

Today is DECK THE HALLS DAY and BUY A TREE DAY. ***You’re behind enough as it is – get to work!

Today is TELL SOMEONE THEY’RE DOING A GOOD JOB DAY. ***You can begin by emailing my boss about the great job I’m doing. And that way you’ll also be helping the less fortunate.

Today is PLAY AN OLD SONG THAT YOU DIDN’T LIKE TO SEE IF YOU STILL DON’T LIKE IT DAY.  ***I’ve been playing “The Christmas Shoes”… and I still don’t like it.

TODAY IS ALSO…
Monkey Day Link or Link
Yoga Day Link

COMING UP NEXT (Just a list, we are not endorsing the holidays posted below.)

THURSDAY, DECEMBER 15

Bill of Rights Day
Cat Herders Day
Free Shipping Day Link  (3rd Thursday at Participating Retailers)
National Cupcake Day  Link

FRIDAY, DECEMBER 16

Barbie and Barney Backlash Day
National Chocolate-covered Anything Day  Link
National Ugly Christmas Sweater Day Link (Friday of second full week)
Underdog Day (3rd Friday)
Zionism Day

SATURDAY, DECEMBER 17

Clean Air Day
National Re-gifting Day (3d Thursday) Link
Wright Brothers Day

SUNDAY, DECEMBER 18

Answer The Telephone Like Buddy The Elf Day Link
Arabic Language Day Link
Give A Wine Club Day  Link
International Migrants Day

MONDAY, DECEMBER 19

(None Today)

TUESDAY, DECEMBER 20

International Human Solidarity Day
Games Day Link
Mudd Day
National Sangria Day  Link
Poet Laureat Day
World Day of Prayer and Action for Children Link

WEDNESDAY, DECEMBER 21

Ann & Samantha Day  Link
Celebrate Short Fiction Day
Crossword Puzzle Day
Forefathers Day
Humbug Day
International Dalek Remembrance Day Link
National Flashlight Day (Shortest Day of The Year)
National Homeless Persons’ Remembrance Day Link
Phileas Fogg Win A Wager Day
Short Girl Appreciation Day (Shortest day of the year)
World Peace Day/Winter Solstice
Winter (Winter Solstice) 5:44 AM EST
Yalda
Yule

ON THIS DAY

1793: America’s first state road was authorized. It would be built from Frankfort, Kentucky to Cincinnati, Ohio. ***Three weeks later they installed the first potholes.

1798: David Wilkinson of Rhode Island patented the nut and bolt machine, and also the screw.

1836: Frances Ridley Havergal was born in England. She wrote the hymns “Take My Life and Let It Be” and “I Gave My Life for Thee.”

1882: In a speech against allowing women to vote, Senator George G. Vest of Missouri declared, “A woman’s place is in the home!”

1911: Norwegian explorer Roald Amundsen discovered the South Pole. ***Many people believe that the South Pole was there even before it was discovered though. But there’s no proof of that.

1959: Research released at Ohio State University revealed that the overwhelming favorite music of teens 14 to 18 years old was rock ‘n’ roll. It was also the least favorite of those aged 19 to 70.

1961: The first ever million seller gold record awarded to a non-rock country song went to Jimmy Dean’s “Big Bad John.”

1963: Verne Gagna (Gonya) whipped The Crusher in Minneapolis to become the NWA World Wrestling Champ.

1968: Tommy James and the Shondells released “Crimson & Clover.”

1977: The movie “Saturday Night Fever” opened in New York, and the sale of polyester leisure suits skyrocketed. The soundtrack album sold 25-million copies worldwide.

1985: Wilma Mankiller became the first woman to lead a major Native American tribe, taking office as principal chief of the Cherokee Nation in Oklahoma. ***With a name like “Mankiller” you have to wonder what happened to her competition.

1985: America’s winningest high school football coach at the time called it quits at age 71. Gordon Wood of Brownwood High School in Central Texas retired after 43 years. Wood sported a career record of 405 wins, 88 losses and 12 ties. The football stadium at Brownwood High has since been rebuilt and named for him.

1988: After losing its first 17 games, the Miami Heat defeated the L.A. Clippers 89-88.

1989: New York City police announced they had lost the trail of Sylvia Matos, who had registered her car at 19 addresses with 36 different license plates. She had 2,800 unpaid parking tickets, totaling $171,000 in fines.

1991: Michael Jackson’s Dangerous debuted at #1 on the Billboard pop album music chart.

1999: Charles M. Schulz announced he was retiring the “Peanuts” comic strip. The last original “Peanuts” comic strip would be published on February 13, 2000. Reruns are still appearing in hundreds of newspapers.

2003: A 41-year-old Canadian man who pretended to be a police officer and inadvertently pulled over a real detective for speeding was sentenced to six months in jail. The detective suspected something wasn’t right when he noticed the flashing red lights were on a white Neon.

2005: Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad claimed the Holocaust was a “myth” and called for Israel to be moved to Europe or North America.

TODAY IN CHRISTIAN HISTORY

1853: Illinois Institute is begun by Wesleyan abolitionists. The school became Wheaton College after its president, Jonathan Blanchard, asked local landowner Warren Wheaton for a large property donation, offering to name the school after him and save his heirs the expense of a good monument.

HOLLYWOOD, SPORTS AND CELEBRITY FIGURE BIRTHDAYS

Actress (“Deadly Games”, “Madmen of the People”, Holly on “Fame”) Cynthia “Cindy” Gibb is 53

BEE-BOP BIRTHDAYS

(Music Artist Birthdays From SongFacts.com)

1911 : Spike Jones

1913 : Dan Dailey

1920 : Clark Terry

1932 : Charlie Rich

1932 : Abbe Lane

1943 : Frank Allen (The Searchers)

1946 : Jackie McAuley (Them)

1946 : Joyce Vincent (Tony Orlando and Dawn)

1947 : Patty Duke

1949 : Cliff Williams (AC/DC)

1958 : Peter Stacy (The Pogues)

1958 : Mike Scott (The Waterboys)

1975 : Brian Dalyrimple (Soul For Real)

SECRETS OF THE UNIVERSE

Why don’t airplane seats have shoulder straps as well as seatbelts, like cars?

I bet you fasten your seatbelt on airplanes. It’s a good way to insure that you do not become part of a human slingshot. But if it’s so important to be strapped in, why don’t the airlines add a shoulder strap to the one that restrains you at the waist? Well, where would such a strap for an aisle seat be anchored? The one in your car is fastened to the floor and the wall. Second, shoulder straps in cars are there to protect against sudden stops. If you ever experience that on a plane, no strap is likely to save you. In fact, turning all of the seats on the plane backwards would provide the same protection that shoulder straps would offer. I suspect this hasn’t been done because airlines do enough things backwards as it is.

CHRISTIAN ARTIST NEWS

This is just a tiny sample of the 5-6 pages of material you could be receiving three days a week from ChristianRadioShowPrepServices.com!

Newsboys drummer Duncan Phillips says his love affair with the ocean is real. Even on a cool, overcast day Duncan said he couldn’t stay away from the beach during a recent Newsboys stop in Florida.

https://www.instagram.com/p/BNnJ8b7AMrJ/

 

Advice for dealing with the cold from California native Moriah Peters: When it’s freezing and your eyes are watering from cold even with a turtleneck on, wear sunglasses and nobody will know.

 

Selah held their first ever Selah concert ugly Christmas sweater contest over the weekend. Members of the band posted a picture of some of the winners and said: it was so fun!! 

https://www.instagram.com/p/BNk8-s4D0t6/

 

Although Mercyme’s Bart Millard is now a resident of Tennessee, he is a longtime resident of Texas and he says it shows. Bart posted over the weekend: You know you’re from Texas when someone asks a crowd “Who’s from the northeast?! From the southeast?!? The Midwest…southwest… northwest? And you sit patiently waiting for him to say Texas.

 

Moriah Peters put life in perspective over the weekend. She posted: It’s wild how little control we have over our own destiny. We work hard and dream big yet yield to someone who helps us do the unimaginable.

 

Hillary Scott shared a taste of her childhood this week. She posted a picture of Yoo-Hoo chocolate drink and a caramel apple sucker and added: Road trips always call for nostalgic gas station items…back to the eating plan tomorrow.

 

Joel from the band for King and Country says he now has justification for carrying a man bag. He posted a picture at Disneyland with Chewbacca and said: if he can carry a man bag then it must be ok.

https://www.instagram.com/p/BNYYwdZBFWp/

 

Switchfoot told the story of their song Float this week. They say: it was inspired by my friend Jeremy who lives in Iraq with his family, working with an organization called preemptivelove.org. These days, Jeremy has been spending most of his time working with the victims of Isis. Survivors, refugees, children, families who need help. To our friends around the world, go to preemptivelove.org. Spread the word, send up a prayer, Make a donation if you can. And to Jeremy and his family in Iraq, stay strong. I pray that you float.

https://www.instagram.com/p/BNc0RAlh512/

 

Jodi from Love & the outcome Was enjoying A Charlie Brown Style Christmas In their tour bus this week. Jodi posted a picture of their small Christmas tree, perfect for the touring lifestyle.

https://www.instagram.com/p/BNemuemDiYe/

 

Chris and Jodi say it felt like they were home over the weekend. The duo that comprises Love and the Outcome was in Wisconsin and said they were treated to sugar cookies, cheese curds, and snow! Chris and Jodi added: Last night was a little taste of home!

https://www.instagram.com/p/BN5JbIiDzU0/

 

NEWS KICKERS

(No news on the weekends. As on ONAIRprep subscriber, you can get a fully-produced, customized version of the Daily Dose of Weird News FREE with a station or show specific tag! Email darren@onairprep.com for details!)

NEW NEWS KICKERS…

In Pennsylvania, police arrested 51-year-old David Springer and threw him in jail for stealing a $4.49 bottle of Advil. Hold on- put that outrage back in your pocket. Understand this was the 12th time he’s been convicted of shoplifting and thus, was charged with a felony. Police say Springer stole the pills by stashing the bottle in his pocket even though he paid for other items that day. Judge Jeffrey Wright says he’s is a threat to society because he keeps stealing. Springer will serve four months in county prison, five months on house arrest, 14 months on parole, and three years on probation. ***After all of that, the guy’s going to need some pain pills!

According to a study by the University of Michigan’s Institute for Social Research, a husband creates seven additional hours of housework each week for women — but when men get married, it saves them an hour a week when it comes to household chores. ***Well duh.  Why do you think men get married?

Eating more cinnamon may boost levels of proteins in your brain involved in memory and learning, new research finds. After mice with poor learning ability were fed cinnamon for 30 days, their ability improved to the level of mice that were naturally good learners. ***Sounds like I’ll be increasing my number of trips to Cinnabon.

‘Tis the season to tip the ones we appreciate: baby-sitters, garbage men, newspaper delivery persons, etc. But etiquette experts say we should never tip these people: your doctor, lawyer, dry cleaner, dentist, boss or co-workers.  ***It’s okay to tip radio hosts though, right?  Right???

AND NOW A MOMENT OF AWESOME: Best Buy employees at a store in Valley Stream, New York, chipped in to help a boy who came to the store every day for two months to play a WiiU. Thye bought the kid his own console and presented it to him when he came into the store. While handing the gift to the stunned boy one employee said, “I’m being serious. It’s your Christmas present.” A video of the exchange has been posted on YouTube. Sadly, the boy was actually afraid to walk home with the gift because he lives in a bad neighborhood, so an employee drove him home and walked him to his building. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hs0RIQEEg0k

NEWS KICKER EVERGREENS…

Several hundred Americans are hospitalized annually from injuries resulting from eating Christmas ornaments.  ***Some people will do anything to get away from turkey leftovers.

A team of researchers (University of Vermont and the Mitre Corp.) have found a way to gauge Twitter’s overall happiness. Their hedonometer tool tracks the joyfulness levels on a chart. As to be expected, there are clear spikes on holidays and notable dips in moments of tragedy.  ***And aren’t you glad you can finally know if Twitter is happy or not?  I know that was on the hearts of millions.

British researchers are now saying older men who have big biceps and a smaller waist circumference are not only more attractive, but also will likely live a lot longer than their more portly friends.  ***I guess that means I’ll die sooner and I’m uglier.  That boosts the ole’ self-esteem.

The US has the highest dog population in the world. France has the second highest.  *** And their dogs are just as SNOOTY as they are.

Millennials are undoubtedly the selfie generation. According to a survey of 1,000 young Americans, 95 per cent of the respondents have taken at least one selfie. And when you consider the estimated frequency millennials are taking pictures each week, they could end up taking an average of 25,676 selfies during their lifetime.  *** In fact, America’s two largest exports are pouty lips and butt pics.

WONDER WOMAN (This feature will be disappearing in 2017)

CLICK HERE TO DOWNLOAD TODAY’S EPISODE… “Get Off a Non-Stop Flight”

DAILY COMEDY CLIP (This feature will be disappearing in 2017)

CLICK HERE TO DOWNLOAD TODAY’S EPISODE… Ron McGehee, “Working Out”

AS THE JUNGLE TURNS – WEEKDAY VERSION

CLICK HERE TO DOWNLOAD WEDNESDAY’S EPISODE

OPEN: And now, FancyMonkey.com, (Show Name), and (Station Call Letters) bring you As the Jungle Turns! When last we left the jungle, Millard the Monkey’s arch nemesis, Steve Mozart, was about to have a concert – and in order to make Mozart look bad, Millard replaced all of the music with sheets of nothing but lines and dots to confuse the musicians. Will his evil sabotage plan work?

CLOSE: Oh no! Why would Steve Mozart show up at Millard’s house? Does he know that Millard was planning to ruin his concert? Is he there to hurt Millard? Tune in again for more of the story, As the Jungle Turns!

AS THE JUNGLE TURNS – SATURDAY/SUNDAY VERSION (This feature will be disappearing in 2017)

CLICK HERE TO DOWNLOAD THE EPISODE FOR THE WEEKEND OF DECEMBER 17/18

OPEN: And now, FancyMonkey.com, (Show Name), and (Station Call Letters) bring you As the Jungle Turns! When last we left the jungle, all of the animals found out the source of the giant footprints… there were from a giant gorilla! Somehow, all of the animals were able to run away and hide from the gorilla in a giant, scary cave… and now Cheetah Bonita is thinking the gorilla might not be so mean.

CLOSE: Here we go again! Will Millard be able to escape the gorilla’s grip? Will the gorilla try and eat the other animals too? Find out next time, As the Jungle Turns!

***You may simulcast “As the Jungle Turns” on the Internet stream of your live broadcast only. Any other Internet use of “As the Jungle Turns” in whole or part including podcasting of your live broadcast is a violation of copyright law. Thank you for your cooperation on this vitally important issue. If you have any questions, please e-mail us and ask about “Jungle Jam & Friends the Radio Show” usage.

MOMENT OF DUH

Today’s Moment of Duh takes place in and around the post office!

An employment agency in Northampton in the UK provided a postal facility with temporary mail carriers. Only one problem though: those temporary mail carriers couldn’t read English! Unfortunately this was not found out until they all ended up getting lost during their rounds because they could not read street signs. They had to be picked up and returned to the sorting facility. Postal officials say “We have gone back to the employment agency to re-address with them what our requirements are.”

TOP TEN

TOP TEN GIFTS WIVES DON’T WANT FOR CHRISTMAS

10. A car wash kit

9. A table saw

8. Two all-day passes to Circuit City’s Home Theatre Installation Seminar

7. A case of oil

6. Five-year subscription to Sports Illustrated

5. Custom engraved bowling ball

4. New outboard motor for fishing boat

3. Rambo movies on DVD

2. New satellite dish with sports package

1. Three-year membership to Weight-Watchers Clinic

THE FILES OF LAW & DISORDER

A prison lets some prisoners escape… again! It’s the second time in a month!

FILE #1: Borgo prison became the laughing stock of France recently when three prisoners walked free through its open doors after wardens fell for a fake fax ordering their release. Well, it’s happened to them again! This time it was escape by helicopter. Prison authorities said two masked men hijacked an emergency services helicopter just after it delivered a patient to a hospital in Bastia and forced the pilot to fly to the jail at Borgo, in the north of the Mediterranean island. Once over the prison, the hijackers lowered a cable for a prisoner, recently arrested on drug trafficking charges, to grab and be hoisted up into the helicopter. The three then had the pilot land at a nearby beach, where they met accomplices waiting with an escape car and a motorcycle.

FILE #2: A guard at a Turkish state bank robbed his own cashiers and then passed out $25,000 to passers-by outside of the bank. The security guard brandished his pistol and forced a teller to empty a safe before running out into the street firing in the air, cash spilling out of the bag he was carrying. When he noticed the escaping cash, he threw some in the air, and handed out the rest to passers-by and shopkeepers. The guard had been working for four years at Emlak Bank, which Turkey now plans to close. Police said he was depressed at the prospect of losing his job.

FILE #3: Ronald Cain broke into a residence and headed for the garage where he spotted a lawn mower he thought he might like to take home with him. But first, for reasons known only to the criminal mastermind, he felt the need to do some alterations on it. He was banging on the mower with a hammer when the homeowner returned home, who called the cops that came by and arrested the lawnmower man. By the way, the homeowner said there was nothing wrong with the mower. Maybe the guy just really hates lawn equipment!

STRANGE LAW: In Marion, Oregon ministers are forbidden from eating garlic or onions before delivering a sermon.

THIS IS YOUR BRAIN ON DRUGS

River rafting can be dangerous – especially if your idea of a flotation device is a six pack.

Thomas Williams and two roommates decided to go rafting on the Colorado River near Vail, Colorado. Instead of hiring an experienced guide, they bought a blow-up raft from Wal-Mart. Instead of life jackets, they brought along a couple of 12-packs of beer. The river in the area they chose includes “Class III” rapids. An experienced guide saw their raft overturn and rescued them — barely. Williams said afterward, “I was under for so long I just blacked out.”  Then again, that might also have been the beer.

PHONER PHUN

What did you WANT for Christmas, but NEVER got? What was it? My Little Pony? Rock-Em-Sock-Em Robots? Ball in-A-Cup? Evel Knievel Stunt Cycle? (If you have that last one, can I come over and play??)

BIBLE BRAIN BUSTER!

QUESTION: Who did Peter heal of long-term palsy?
ANSWER: Aeneas (Acts 9:33-34)

QUESTION IMPOSSIBLE

QUESTION: A University of Maryland study found that 65% of medical professionals said they hadn’t done this in a week – and nearly 16% said they hadn’t done it in a month. What?

ANSWER: Washed their lab coats.

TRUE OR FALSE

Pay attention! If our next player doesn’t answer all ten T/F questions correctly we start all over from question #1! First person to answer question #10 correctly is our winner!

1. The world’s first auto speed limit was 20 mph. (True… it was posted in England in 1903. That same year, Alexander Winston set the world land record at Daytona Beach, FL, with 68.18 mph.)

2. The first person to die in an airplane crash was Army Lt. Thomas Selfridge, who crashed over Fort Myer, VA, on Sept. 17, 1908. His co-pilot was Orville Wright. (True)

3. Human birth control pills also work on gorillas. (True)

4. Jimmy Carter was the first U.S. president born in a hospital. (True)

5. Much like we throw rice at newlywed couples in America to wish them luck, the Japanese throw raw hotdogs at their brides and groom. (False)

6. A bowl of Wheaties contains more than twice as much sodium as a bag of potato chips. (True)

7. Peanuts are one of the main ingredients in dynamite. (True)

8. A moment lasts exactly 90 seconds. (True)

9. The airplanes legendary “black box” is really only gray. (False – it’s ORANGE!)

10. The worst time to reach the IRS is Monday around 1pm. (True)

TABLOID MATCH GAME

You have to match the blank in the tabloid headline with the word or phrase that has been removed!

THE ________ POLICE ARE COMING! (FAT)

WASHINGTON – The Obama Administration has formed the world’s first Fat Police unit.  They’re mission:  arrest the obese.

The Obama Administration announced yesterday that they have formed a special law enforcement squad that will work under the direction of the FBI.   This police unit will be charged with arresting people who are obese and forcing them to eat healthy – or else go to jail.

The first FPU (Fat Police Unit) is made up of 12 former elite SWAT team members.  The Obama Administration hopes to have over 500 hundred FPUs around the country by the middle of February. “We are creating jobs and keeping Americans fit at the same time,” White House Press Secretary Jay Carney reportedly said.

FPUs will have wide-ranging authority when it comes to the obese (defined as anyone 20 pounds overweight or more).   FPUs will patrol the streets, schools and office buildings.  If they spot a citizen that is obese eating anything containing sugar, fat or carbs (anything other than fruits, vegetables and tofu), then they have the federal authority to arrest that person – or fine them (fines start at $2,000 per warning).

The Obama Administration said that it will be creating over two dozen Federal Fat Farms (detention centers), in which those arrested for “fat crimes” will be held captive until they get their BMI levels below 30 (optimal BMI is below 25).

“Bad Eaters” (as the FP call them) will also be forced to workout 5-6 hours every day while on the Fat Farms.

THE WAY TOO EARLY IN THE MORNING TO UNDERSTAND THE PUNCHLINE EVEN AFTER TWO CUPS OF COFFEE JOKE OF THE DAY 

JOKE #1

It was Christmas and the judge was in a benevolent mood as he questioned the prisoner. “What are you charged with?” he asked.

“Doing my Christmas shopping early,” replied the defendant.

“That’s no offense,” replied the judge. “How early were you doing this shopping?”

“Before the store opened,” countered the prisoner.

JOKE #2

Realizing at the last minute that it was his father’s birthday, a teenage boy rushed to the corner store to grab a card.

He quickly found a son-to-father card, but neglected to read it carefully.

Later when his father opened his gifts, he was surprised to read aloud, 

”Happy birthday to a wonderful Dad.  Now that I’m a father too .  .  .”

JOKE #3

TECHNICAL NIGHT BEFORE CHRISTMAS

‘Twas the Night Before Christmas’ as written by a technical writer for a firm that does Government contracting…

‘Twas the nocturnal segment of the diurnal period preceding the annual Yuletide celebration, and throughout our place of residence, kinetic activity was not in evidence among the possessors of this potential, including that species of domestic rodent known as Mus musculus. Hosiery was meticulously suspended from the forward edge of the wood burning caloric apparatus, pursuant to our anticipatory pleasure regarding an imminent visitation from an eccentric philanthropist among whose folkloric appellations is the honorific title of St. Nicholas.

The prepubescent siblings, comfortably ensconced in their respective accommodations of repose, were experiencing subconscious visual hallucinations of variegated fruit confections moving rhythmically through their cerebrums. My conjugal partner and I, attired in our nocturnal head coverings, were about to take slumberous advantage of the hibernal darkness when upon the avenaceous exterior portion of the grounds there ascended such a cacophony of dissonance that I felt compelled to arise with alacrity from my place of repose for the purpose of ascertaining the precise source thereof.

Hastening to the casement, I forthwith opened the barriers sealing this fenestration, noting thereupon that the lunar brilliance without, reflected as it was on the surface of a recent crystalline precipitation, might be said to rival that of the solar meridian itself – thus permitting my incredulous optical sensory organs to behold a miniature airborne runnered conveyance drawn by eight diminutive specimens of the genus Rangifer, piloted by a minuscule, aged chauffeur so ebullient and nimble that it became instantly apparent to me that he was indeed our anticipated caller. With his ungulate motive power travelling at what may possibly have been more vertiginous velocity than patriotic alar predators, he vociferated loudly, expelled breath musically through contracted labia, and addressed each of the octet by his or her respective cognomen – “Now Dasher, now Dancer…” et al. – guiding them to the uppermost exterior level of our abode, through which structure I could readily distinguish the concatenations of each of the 32 cloven pedal extremities.

As I retracted my cranium from its erstwhile location, and was performing a 180-degree pivot, our distinguished visitant achieved – with utmost celerity and via a downward leap – entry by way of the smoke passage. He was clad entirely in animal pelts soiled by the ebony residue from oxidations of carboniferous fuels which had accumulated on the walls thereof. His resemblance to a street vendor I attributed largely to the plethora of assorted playthings which he bore dorsally in a commodious cloth receptacle.

His orbs were scintillant with reflected luminosity, while his submaxillary dermal indentations gave every evidence of engaging amiability. The capillaries of his malar regions and nasal appurtenance were engorged with blood which suffused the subcutaneous layers, the former approximating the coloration of Albion’s floral emblem, the latter that of the Prunus avium, or sweet cherry. His amusing sub- and supralabials resembled nothing so much as a common loop knot, and their ambient hirsute facial adornment appeared like small, tabular and columnar crystals of frozen water.

Clenched firmly between his incisors was a smoking piece whose grey fumes, forming a tenuous ellipse about his occiput, were suggestive of a decorative seasonal circlet of holly. His visage was wider than it was high, and when he waxed audibly mirthful, his corpulent abdominal region undulated in the manner of impectinated fruit syrup in a hemispherical container. He was, in short, neither more nor less than an obese, jocund, multigenarian gnome, the optical perception of whom rendered me visibly frolicsome despite every effort to refrain from so being. By rapidly lowering and then elevating one eyelid and rotating his head slightly to one side, he indicated that trepidation on my part was groundless.

Without utterance and with dispatch, he commenced filling the aforementioned appended hosiery with various of the aforementioned articles of merchandise extracted from his aforementioned previously dorsally transported cloth receptacle. Upon completion of this task, he executed an abrupt about- face, placed a single manual digit in lateral juxtaposition to his olfactory organ, inclined his cranium forward in a gesture of leave-taking, and forthwith effected his egress by renegotiating (in reverse) the smoke passage.

He then propelled himself in a short vector onto his conveyance, directed a musical expulsion of air through his contracted oral sphincter to the antlered quadrupeds of burden, and proceeded to soar aloft in a movement hitherto observable chiefly among the seed-bearing portions of a common weed. But I overheard his parting exclamation, audible immediately prior to his vehiculation beyond the limits of visibility: “Ecstatic Yuletide to the planetary constituency, and to that self same assemblage, my sincerest wishes for a salubriously beneficial and gratifyingly pleasurable period between sunset and dawn.”

USELESS FACTS

The University of Birmingham, England, found that if you let certain germs feed on chocolate nougat and caramel, they produce enough hydrogen to power a small fan. Instead of throwing away uneaten chocolate, candy companies could use the bacteria to convert it into hydrogen to run their factories or to sell to energy companies.  ***Where do you find uneaten chocolate?

Individuals with higher IQs are 3 times more likely to suffer from depression because of increased brain activity. ***Ah – so THAT’S why I’m always in a bad mood!

FEATURED FUNNIES

FIRST DAY ANSWER

The child comes home from his first day at school. His Mother asks, “Well, what did you learn today?”

The kid replies, “Not enough. They want me to come back tomorrow.”

IT MUST BE TRUE BECAUSE I HEARD IT ON THE RADIO!

Apparently it is true… you really can find love anywhere.

Two prisoners in an Ivory Coast jail apparently fell in love through a peephole in an iron door. Both were released for a few hours to get married. The groom was Roland Guy Bouabre, who was serving a 3-year sentence for stealing a bicycle.  The bride was Emilie Yobouet, who was given a one-year sentence for kidnapping a child.  They met while Roland was delivering groceries in the prison for Emilie to cook. He would take the groceries to the iron door and then a guard would deliver them. Emilie actually completed her sentence two days after the wedding but brings food to the jail each day to supplement her new husband’s meager prison diet. ***MARLAR:  So let me get this right — in The Ivory Coast — if you steal a bike it’s 3 years — but if you steal a kid it’s 1 year? Who’s running that justice system?

INSPIRATIONAL INSPIRATION

FAMILY 

“The greatest gift we can give our children is to let them know that there is a God who loves them and knows them by name. We must teach our sons and daughters that the God of the Universe is intensely interested and familiar with every aspect of their lives and wants what is best for them. Today’s culture teaches even the young child that he is here by accident, and that he is just another creature on a big, impersonal planet, no different from any other animal. It’s no wonder that kids today are experiencing depression and loneliness in record numbers. … A few years ago the mantra was, ‘It’s quality time, not quantity time, that counts.’ WRONG! Kids need a good dose of both from their parents. If we think we can spend one great hour a day with our kids and counteract the negative garbage they’re getting from the culture ’24/7,’ we’re fooling ourselves.” –Rebecca Hagelin

DRIVE TIME DEVOTIONAL

MIXING BOWL MUSINGS

The things which are impossible with men are possible with God.” —Luke 18:27

Countless times I’ve heard myself say, “I’m going to bake a cake.” Then one day I realized that I’ve never baked a cake in my life—only my oven can do that. I simply mix the right ingredients and allow the oven to do its part. Through that division of labor, I have the joy of seeing others taste and enjoy delicious cake.

God used my mixing-bowl musings to clarify a dilemma I once had after starting a neighborhood Bible study. It was one thing to bring my neighbors together to study the Bible, but seeing them believe and follow Christ was another. I felt powerless. Suddenly I saw the obvious. Like baking cakes, making Christians was impossible for me, but not for God. I had blended the right ingredients—an open home, friendship, love. Now I had to trust the Holy Spirit, through His Word, to do His work. When I cooperated with that division of labor, I had the joy of seeing others taste of God’s goodness.

In Luke 18:18-27, Jesus so vividly described some hindrances to saving faith that His listeners began to wonder if anyone could be saved. Do you feel that way about someone? Be encouraged by the Lord’s strong reminder that there are some things that only God can do. Saving people is one of them. —Joanie Yoder

The Lord’s the only one who can
Transform a person’s heart;
But when we share God’s saving truth,
We play a crucial part. —Sper

We sow the seed, but God brings the harvest.

LEFTOVERS

SUPERKID

Imaging growing up with the name “Superman” on your birth certificate!
Swedish authorities have turned down a request by two parents to register Superman as a name for their child.  The parents wanted their son to be named after the superhero because they say he was born with one arm pointing upwards, the position Superman flies in.  The authorities said ‘no’, arguing the name could lead to the boy being subjected to ridicule in later life.  An appeals court has also upheld the ruling.  ***MARLAR: Of course you can’t call the kid “Superman” –what if the kid starts believing it?  Do you really want your son walking around the neighborhood with red and blue long johns?

LIFE… LIVE IT

200 QUICK AND SIMPLE LIFE HACKS

  • Remove a broken key from a lock: Put some super glue on broken off part, insert, hold a few seconds and pull.

  • Straighten warped records: Place record between two sheets of glass, let sit in the sun for awhile.

  • How to revive old razor blades: Rub them back and forth inside a drinking glass.

  • Get water out of your watch: Strap watch to light bulb, turn on for a few minutes. Water drops will form on glass. Open up and wipe off.

  • Open a stuck zipper: Spray the zipper with shaving cream.

  • Easily untie a knot in a chain: Cover the knot generously with cold cream.

  • Eliminate odors from the disposal: Throw a lemon in it and let it be ground up.

  • Eliminate popcorn duds: Freeze it first then it all will pop.

See the rest of the list here.

JUST FOR FUN

WE ARE THE WORLD

How much is the world worth? You might be surprised how little it’s valued at!

How much is the world worth?  Impossible to answer that question, you say? Well not according to scientists, ecologists and economists. According to them, nature provides a tangible service and therefore can be quantified. It must be quantified, they say, in order for economic decisions to be made regarding the planet and its resources. Thirteen of the brainiacs previously mentioned estimated the global worth to be between 17 and 54 trillion dollars.  The consensus is around $33-trillion.  ***MARLAR: Sad… our Federal deficit is almost equal to the actual value of the entire world!  We should sell off the planet to take care of our debts. Of course, it’d have to be someone who could afford to buy the world… like Brad and Angelina.

FUN LIST

SIGNS YOU BOUGHT A BAD CHRISTMAS TREE

  • Two feet tall, forty feet wide

  • It looks suspiciously like a broom handle with a lot of coat hangers stuck into it.

  • Each branch has “Duraflame” printed on it.

  • You dragged the tree to the house from your car – but not from the roof or trunk of your car, but from the rear-view mirror where it was hanging.

  • Tomatoes are growing on it.

  • It was made by the Fuller Brush Company.

MORE SHOW PREP STUFF…

McLAWSUIT

What is it with people suing McDonald’s all the time? A New Jersey man is suing McDonald’s for injuries that he claims he sustained from an auto accident caused by a McDonald’s customer. John Carter claims the customer who hit him did so after spilling his McDonald’s chocolate shake onto his lap, while reaching over for his fries. He alleges that McDonald’s sold their customer food knowing he would consume it while driving and without announcing a warning to the effect, “Don’t Eat & Drive”. He is suing for $10,000. ***MARLAR: Sounds like someone should’ve ordered a McBrain…and possibly a McConscience.

OTHER STUFF I WANT TO CRAM INTO TODAY’S PREP

A repo man didn’t want to seize an elderly couple’s car. So he helped pay it off for them instead. According to the Washington Post, Jim Ford is co-owner of Illini Recovery Inc., a repo company in Southern Illinois. Earlier this month, he was working a job involving a 1998 Buick. But after picking up the vehicle and meeting the elderly owners, Ford decided to do something different. He started an online fundraising effort and, with the help of family and friends, raised more than $3,000 — enough to pay off the car and give $1,000 to the Kippings.

http://wapo.st/2gdKuy0

How well do you know the Bible. Now you can test your heaven IQ by answering 7 questions about Heaven and the New Jerusalem. Take the quiz, and see how well you know God’s word.  http://ow.ly/dGmF306Aqdk

It looks like the children of the future might be very ill-informed. A new study from Stanford researchers evaluated students’ ability to assess information sources. They described the results as “dismaying,” “bleak” and “a threat to democracy.” Middle school, high school and college students in 12 states were asked to evaluate the information presented in tweets, comments and articles. More than 7,800 student responses were collected. Researchers say the students displayed a “stunning and dismaying consistency” in their responses, getting duped again and again when asked to tell fake accounts from real ones, activist groups from neutral sources, and ads from articles.  Read the article at http://n.pr/2g47mzW.

In addition to waking you up in the morning and helping you to feel human again, coffee appears to lower your risk for colon cancer. And the more you drink, the better the protection it offers. Because the protective effect does not come from the caffeine, it doesn’t matter whether you drink caffeinated or decaf — or a combination of the two. Lead study author Dr. Gad Rennert, director of the Clalit National Israeli Cancer Control Center in Haifa, Israel, suspects the protection comes from antioxidant ingredients that are released in the coffee during the roasting process. Rennert’s team, which included researchers from the University of Southern California’s Norris Comprehensive Cancer Center, collected data on more than 5,100 men and women in northern Israel who were diagnosed with colon cancer. This group was then compared with more than 4,000 healthy men and women who had no history of colon cancer. Participants reported how much coffee they consumed daily, including espresso, instant, decaffeinated and filtered coffee. In addition, they reported risk factors for colon cancer, such as family history of cancer, diet, physical activity and smoking. The results:

Drinking one to two cups of coffee a day was linked to a 26 percent reduced risk of colon cancer.

Drinking more than 2.5 cups of coffee a day was linked to a 50 percent reduced risk of colon cancer.

The reduced risk for colon cancer held no matter what type of coffee was consumed.

One caveat: The findings do not prove that coffee lowers the risk of colon cancer, but rather that there is an association between the two. Still, the association is quite strong.

Here is an interesting diet suggestion… turn off the TV. Turn off the music. Listening to yourself eat may reduce how much food you consume, according to researchers from Brigham Young University and Colorado State University. It’s called the “crunch effect.” You’re likely to eat less if you are conscious of the sound your food makes while you’re eating. The noise from a TV show or sounds of a song can mask that noise, which is nature’s way of keeping your food intake in check. “Sound is typically labeled as the forgotten food sense,” says one of the study leaders, Ryan. This is not the sizzle of the bacon or the popping of popcorn. These are the sounds your teeth and mouth make as you chew, chomp and crunch. Elder and his research partner carried out several experiments on the effect of “food sound salience” and found that even suggesting in an advertisement that people think of eating sounds while they chew helped decrease how much food they ate. The takeaway: Be mindful not only of the taste and physical appearance of food, but also of the sound it makes. That sound can help “nudge” you to eat less.

AND I LEAVE YOU WITH THIS THOUGHT

Gotta go… there’s a big ruckus going on in our front office. Something about the boss bringing in a fingerprint expert to examine the contents of the suggestion box.

THE TICKET Movie Reviews with MARIE ASNER

Marie Asner has been reviewing films for over 30 years. Her outlets include radio, print and Internet. For more in-depth movie reviews of the following films, visit www.Tollbooth.org. Ratings from 1 (Low) to 5 (High).

DECEMBER 09, 2016…

 

Miss Sloane—Jessica Chastain takes on the role of a woman lobbyist in a business that has a glass ceiling. She wants to get a bill through Congress for tighter background checks on gun sales.  Good luck. Also in the cast are Mark Strong and Gugu Mbatha-Raw. “Miss Sloane” is rated R. Rating of 2 for fans.

 

Office Christmas Party—This is what happens when one person in a firm tries to impress a prospective client with the party-to-end-all-parties. Does anything go right?  The cast includes Jennifer Lawrence, Jason Bateman and T. J. Miller. “Office Christmas Party” is rated R. Rating of 2 for fans.

 

DECEMBER 16, 2016 thru JANUARY 01, 2017…

 

Jackie—Natalie Portman takes on the role of Jacqueline Kennedy. Bring hanky.

Sing—an animated film for the family about an animal vocal contest.

The Space Between Us—New date for opening and about a boy born on Mars.

Gold—Matthew McConaughey stars as a hustler who will do anything to win.

Why Him?—James Franco is the son-in-law no one wants.

Paterson—Adam Driver stars as a bus driver who is reticent and his wife who loves life.

A Monster Calls—new opening for this movie about a boy coping with grief who has a monster as a friend.

Live By Night—directed and stars Ben Affleck and concerns the life of gangsters.

Manchester By The Sea—new opening and stars Casey Affleck (Ben’s brother) who takes care of his nephew during a tragedy.

Hidden Figures—True story of African-American women mathematicians who helped put the astronauts in orbit.

20th Century Women—concerns three generations of woman coping with life. Stars Annette Bening.

Julieta—a Spanish language film of trying to find a lost daughter.

Collateral Beauty—Will Smith’s friends help him cope with tragedy.

Fences—Denzel Washington in a screen adaptation of the Broadway play.

The Founder—Michael Keaton plays Ray Kroc, who turned McDonalds’ into a fortune.

A Kind of Murder—Patrick Wilson stars in a tangled thriller.

Neruda—story of the South American poet.

Rogue One: A Star Wars Story—Felicity Jones stars in this saga that should take“Star Wars” fans over the holidays.

Assassins Creed—Michael Fassbinder in an adaptation of the video game.

Passengers—Jennifer Lawrence as a person who awakens during a space flight to another planet and has to help others.

 

# # # # #

WARNING: Don’t believe anything you read on the Internet or email (including stuff you read here) unless you can confirm it with another source, and/or it is consistent with what you already know to be true. The opinions in this publication are not necessarily those of Darren Marlar, Marlar House Entertainment, OnAirPrep.com, or any company or organization affiliated with aforementioned. (Regardless of how stupid you may think those opinions are. So there – nyah!)

Darren Marlar credits all non-original material to the author whenever possible. All other material is original, used with permission, or author unknown. We welcome all comments, questions, and suggestions. Darren can be reached via his website at www.DarrenMarlar.com.