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PRINTER FRIENDLY VERSION: 20151217
WELCOME TO THE SHOW!
Gee, it’s time for me again?!? Well, deck my hall! Good morning, (CITY)! Time to rise and shine and blow the mistletoe out of your ears! –HaLife
BIBLE VERSE OF THE DAY
For God did not send his Son into the world to condemn the world, but to save the world through him. –John 3:17
Mark 14:38 = Watch and pray so that you will not fall into temptation. The spirit is willing, but the flesh is weak.”
Mary said, “My soul glorifies the Lord and my spirit rejoices in God my Savior…. The Mighty One has done great things for me – holy is his name.” — Luke 1:46
HEARTLIGHT DAILY VERSE, PRAYER & THOUGHT
God made him who had no sin to be sin for us, so that in him we might become the righteousness of God. — 2 Corinthians 5:21
Thought: When was the last time you thought of yourself as “the righteousness of God”? What does that mean anyway? It means that we have the best of qualities, found in the best of beings! But we know we are not god-like! We know our fallibility and flaws! We know our imperfections and our inconsistencies! How can we be “the righteousness of God”? Jesus, the perfect and sinless Righteous One of God, became our sin for us so we could be his righteousness. More than grace, that’s a miracle! And a miracle, dear friend of Jesus, is exactly what you are!!
Prayer: Thank you, gracious and loving Father, for saving me and making me perfect through your sacrificial gift of your Son. Please use me to communicate your grace and your salvation with someone around me who hasn’t accepted your grace. In the name of Jesus, my older brother and Savior, I pray. Amen.
“BIRTHDAY VERSE” OF THE DAY
The chapter and verse corresponds to the month and the day!
Romans 12:17 NIV = Do not repay anyone evil for evil. Be careful to do what is right in the eyes of everybody.
TODAY IS THURSDAY – DECEMBER 17, 2015
(NOTE: Some holidays may be duplicated due to various calendars reporting conflicting dates)
WEIRD, WACKY, STRANGE, ZANY, ODD, BIZARRE, QUIRKY, UNUSUAL HOLIDAYS!
THERE ARE ONLY 08 SHOPPING DAYS UNTIL CHRISTMAS.
Tonight is DOUBLE PARENT TRAP NIGHT. Watch both Parent Trap movies back-to-back. ***MARLAR: After all, you have no social life, right?
Today is TRY TO REMEMBER WHERE YOU HID THE CHRISTMAS GIFTS DAY. ***MARLAR: People buy gifts and then hide them so the kids and loved ones won’t find them… but we’ve actually lost a couple of gifts through the years because we hid them so well we forgot where they ended up! We’re still looking for a crystal train we purchased for my wife’s dad back in 2004.
Today is WRIGHT BROTHERS DAY. In 1903 the Wright Brothers made their first flights at Kitty Hawk, North Carolina. Orville flew 120 feet in 12 seconds; Wilbur flew 852 feet in 59 seconds. ***MARLAR: Not even long enough to get their complimentary peanuts.
TODAY IS ALSO. . .
Clean Air Day
Wright Brothers Day
COMING UP NEXT
FRIDAY, DECEMBER 18
Arabic Language Day
International Migrants Day
SATURDAY, DECEMBER 19
SUNDAY, DECEMBER 20
International Human Solidarity Day
Poet Laureat Day
MONDAY, DECEMBER 21
Celebrate Short Fiction Day
Crossword Puzzle Day
National Flashlight Day
International Dalek Remembrance Day
Phileas Fogg Wins a Wager Day
Short Girl Appreciation Day
World Peace Day/Winter Solstice (11:48pm)
TUESDAY, DECEMBER 22
WEDNESDAY, DECEMBER 23
Human Light Celebration
THURSDAY, DECEMBER 24
Egg Nog Day
FRIDAY, DECEMBER 25
A’Phabet Day (No “L” Day)
Christmas Pudding Day
SATURDAY, DECEMBER 26
National Candy Cane Day
National Thank-You Note Day
National Whiner’s Day
SUNDAY, DECEMBER 27
Howdy Doody Day
Visit The Zoo Day
MONDAY, DECEMBER 28
Holy Innocents Day
Endangered Species Act Day
National Chocolate Day
Pledge Of Allegiance Day
ON THIS DAY
63 AD: Jesus’ friend, Lazarus, died for the second time. ***MARLAR: If at first you don’t succeed…
1849: Thomas and William Bowler sold the first “bowler” hat in London. William Coke ordered it for hunting. ***MARLAR: He also used to wear his hunting cap while bowling.
1903: The Wright Brothers made their first flights at Kitty Hawk, North Carolina. Orville flew 120 feet in 12 seconds; Wilbur flew 852 feet in 59 seconds.
1925: Army Gen. William “Billy” Mitchell, outspoken advocate of a separate U.S. Air Force, was found guilty of conduct prejudicial to the good of the armed services. Twenty years after his death, he was awarded the Medal of Honor.
1933: In the first world championship football game, the Chicago Bears defeated the New York Giants, 23-21.
1934: Contemporary Christian songwriter Kurt Kaiser was born. He wrote “Oh How He Loves You and Me,” “Pass It On,” and “Master Designer.”
1936: Ventriloquist Edgar Bergen appeared for the first time on radio with his wooden friend Charlie McCarthy on The Rudy Vallee Show and became one of radio’s hottest acts. Bergen’s daughter Candice was television’s Murphy Brown. ***MARLAR: Did anyone not realize that the dummy was completely unnecessary? IT WAS RADIO!!!
1955: Unable to sleep, guitarist Carl Perkins got up and wrote a song on a paper bag. Less than 48 hours later, he recorded it at Sun Records in Memphis. It would become the first song ever to reach #1 on the pop, country & western, and rhythm & blues music charts: “Blue Suede Shoes.”
1969: An estimated 50 million viewers watched singer Tiny Tim (Herbert Buchingham Khaury) marry Miss Vicky (Victoria Budinger) on NBC’s ”Tonight Show.” The tiptoed through stuff together until 1977. Tim collapsed during a benefit in Minneapolis in November 1996 and never regained consciousness.
1975: Lynette “Squeakie” Fromme was sentenced in a Sacramento, California, federal court to life in prison for her attempt on the life of President Ford.
1979: Stan Barrett broke the sound barrier, reaching 739.67 miles per hour ON LAND at Edward Air Force Base in California. His rocket was powered by a 48-thousand horsepower engine and a side-winder missile. ***MARLAR: They also discovered quite by accident that if you scream while travelling at the speed of sound everyone can still hear you.
1989: “The Simpsons” debuted on the Fox television network.
1992: Actor Dana Andrews died at age 83. He made 64 films, including Tobacco Road, Laura, State Fair, Best Years of Our Lives, and The Ox Bow Incident.
1993: Fox Television outbid CBS for the rights to televise games of the National Football Conference.
1994: A Boston man was arrested at a hospital after taking two live lobsters from a supermarket tank and stuffing them down his pants. Police called it shoplifting. Doctors called it “a do-it-yourself vasectomy.”
2003: A bank robber in Tularosa, New Mexico, lost a bid to overturn his conviction by arguing the stupidity of the crime proved he was too drunk to be responsible. The defendant argued his attempt to rob the same bank teller who moments before had refused to cash his check was stupid enough to show he was inebriated. A compelling argument, but the court didn’t buy it.
2005: President George W. Bush acknowledged personally authorizing a secret eavesdropping program in the U.S. following Sept. 11th, 2001.
TODAY IN CHRISTIAN HISTORY
1912: Yale-educated Chicago native Bill Borden, heir to a fortune in real estate and milk production, boards a ship to China via Egypt. Converted to Christ as a young man, Borden had given his inheritance and his life to the cause of world evangelism. Only a month after arriving in Egypt, he contracted spinal meningitis and died. However, publication of his story prompted many young people to enter the mission field.
1917: Bolsheviks confiscate all property of the Russian Orthodox Church and abolish religious instruction in the schools. Within two decades, at least 45,000 priests were reportedly martyred in the country.
HOLLYWOOD, SPORTS AND CELEBRITY FIGURE BIRTHDAYS
- TV character Bart Simpson, 36 (
- Actress (Resident Evil, Zoolander, The Fifth Element) Milla Jovovich, 40
- actor (Gone in 60 Seconds, Saving Private Ryan, Flight of the Phoenix, Avatar) Giovanni Ribisi 41
- actress (100 Girls, True Crime, Pleasantville) Marissa Ribisi 41
- actor (“The District”, Barbershop, Save the Last Dance) Sean Patrick Thomas 45
- actor (“The Closer”, “Get Real”) Jon Tenny is 54
- Actor (Ernie Douglas on “My Three Sons”) Barry Livingston 62 (
- Actor (Independence Day, While You Were Sleeping, A League of Their Own) Bill Pullman, 62
- Actor (A Mighty Wind, “SCTV”) Eugene Levy, 69
- Actor (Ghostbusters, Miss Congeniality) Ernie Hudson, 70
(Music Artist Birthdays From SongFacts.com)
1910 : Sy Oliver
1934 : Karl Denver
1936 : Tommy Steele
1937 : Art Neville (The Neville Brothers)
1937 : Nat Stuckey
1938 : Carlo Little (first Rolling Stones drummer)
1939 : Eddie Kendricks (the Temptations)
1942 : Paul Butterfield (Paul Butterfield Blues Band)
1943 : Dave Dee (Dave Dee, Dozy, Beaky, Mick and Tich)
1948 : Jim Bonfanti (The Raspberries)
1950 : Carlie Barrett (The Wailers)
1951 : Wanda Huntchinson (The Emotions)
1958 : Mike Mills (R.E.M.)
1961 : Sarah Dallin (Bananarama)
1972 : Craig “DJ Homicide” Bullock (Sugar Ray)
SECRETS OF THE UNIVERSE
What is the body’s largest organ? The heart? The kidney? The liver?
Organs are any grouped tissues that form a functional unit. The large intestine sounds like a good choice, until we remember that at 5 feet it’s actually shorter than the 20-foot small intestine. The answer is something that few people realize is an organ: the skin. If the skin of a 150-pound person were spread out flat, it would cover approximately 20 square feet. So stop worrying about those extra pounds at your waistline – what’s a few inches out of 20 square feet?
CHRISTIAN ARTIST NEWS
Do you like the Christian Artist News you see below? It’s just a tiny sample of the 5-6 pages of material you could be receive every weekday… and it’s FREE! Become one of their subscribers at ChristianRadioShowPrepServices.com!
Ginny Owens this week shared how she sees things. The worship leader had some fun with the title of her latest video series since she is blind. You can see all the “How I See it” videos on youtube as Ginny shares how she does everything from putting on makeup to baking.
Sidewalk Prophets Ben McDonald is speaking out on the Pete Rose controversy. He posted this week: Wow! MLB allowed the steroid era but someone who truly loves the game can’t be involved. Forgiveness speaks louder!
Chris and Jodi, of the band Love and the Outcome, together shared their last anniversary as a couple this week. No they’re not breaking up. Jodi is pregnant and she posted: Shared many special anniversaries together but this will be the last one with just the two of us.
Kutless front man Jon Micah Sumrall and his family took advantage of a snow day this week. They built a snowman together and named him George. Jon shared: Hoping it will stick around long enough for us to have a white Christmas this year!
Sometimes you have to improvise when you are on the road. Jodi and Chris of Love and the Outcome posted this week: Having Christmas in a holiday inn with my parents, who drove 8 hrs to come see us on tour!
(No news on the weekends. Audio clips are only valid for a few days before being removed from our servers.)
NEW NEWS KICKERS…
A study finds that television may actually do no harm to babies. Research has determined that viewing TV before age two has no impact on a child’s learning ability. *** GOD BLESS YOU, oh ELECTRONIC BABYSITTER!
A man accused of stealing a taxi after he was discharged from a Des Moines, Iowa, hospital explains that he stole the vehicle because he didn’t want to walk home. ***When convicted of grand theft auto, you get a tiny cell where you won’t have much room for walking at all – congratulations, man!
Do you think you can make it as an astronaut? Well, now is your chance to find out. NASA has now officially opened up its application process for the space agency’s next round of astronaut candidates. You can submit your applications from now until Feb. 18, 2016, and NASA should announce the selected astronaut candidates by mid-2017. But this isn’t an application for just any job. The astronauts chosen for this class could help NASA go to Mars. *** It’s the perfect job for that guy you work with who is a space case already. Send him an application! (AUDIO: TheVerge describes NASA’s requirements.)
The lighting of the Christmas tree was a little more realistic than desired at a California hotel this week. Fire destroyed the 96-foot-tall Christmas tree outside a Southern California hotel this week. The tree was outside the Westin South Coast Plaza hotel in Costa Mesa. Ironically, officials say “The tree had been sprayed with fire retardant after it was installed.” ***Obviously we’ve reached the ceiling on hot Christmas gifts – it’s backfiring on us now.
NEWS KICKER EVERGREENS…
According to a British survey, one in four house-hunters are put off buying a home because of the neighbor’s garish Christmas decorations. ***MARLAR: Even worse, this survey was taken back in July.
Are you getting your pet a gift this Christmas? Fifty-six percent of dog owners say they’ll buy their pets a gift this Christmas, but only 48 percent of cat owners plan a gift according to an Associated Press-Petside poll. A majority of all pet owners-53 percent-plan to get their animals a present this holiday season. ***MARLAR: It’s the least we can do, since they’ve been leaving little gifts on the carpet for us the rest of the year.
Sleeping on the job might not be a bad thing after all. The web site Business Insider recently released an article that shows a workday nap is beneficial, and possibly even necessary. They say studies have shown napping to improve cognitive function, creative thinking, and memory performance. ***MARLAR: What I’m saying is that every afternoon around 1pm I’m becoming a better worker.
Toddlers who have a depressed mom are more likely than other kids to develop behavior problems as they get older. But a recent report finds that the risk of behavior issues, such as being overly aggressive, hyperactive, or withdrawn, can be reduced if toddlers spend just a few hours a day in formal day care. Overall, children raised by mothers who reported recurrent bouts of depression were almost four times as likely to exhibit behavior problems, including depression, anxiety, withdrawn behavior and aggression. But, half a day in day care significantly reduced the risk of these behavior problems developing by age 5. ***MARLAR: I used to work in daycare and I have to tell you that I find it very surprising that your kid would actually be better off for a few hours with me than, well, anywhere else on the planet.
CLICK HERE TO DOWNLOAD TODAY’S EPISODE… “Typed Up, Written Down”
DAILY COMEDY CLIP
CLICK HERE TO DOWNLOAD TODAY’S EPISODE… David Dean, “Church Growth”
AS THE JUNGLE TURNS – WEEKDAY VERSION
CLICK HERE TO DOWNLOAD THURSDAY’S EPISODE
CHRISTMAS EPISODE – REPLAY!
OPEN: FancyMonkey.com, (Show Name), and (Station Call Letters) now bring you As the Jungle Turns! Last time on As the Jungle Turns, Gruffy Bear was getting annoyed at his new neighbor – because he kept pounding on the wall while Gruffy Bear was trying to hibernate through the winter! But what’s the pounding all about? Gruffy is about to find out, As the Jungle Turns!
CLOSE: Now that’s what I call caroling! But it’s all new to Gruffy Bear – he always sleeps through the winter, so he’s never seen or even heard of Christmas! How’s he going to take all of this? Find out next time – As the Jungle Turns!
AS THE JUNGLE TURNS – SATURDAY/SUNDAY VERSION
CLICK HERE TO DOWNLOAD THE EPISODE FOR THE WEEKEND OF DECEMBER 19/20
OPEN: And now, FancyMonkey.com, (Show Name), and (Station Call Letters) bring you As the Jungle Turns! When last we left the jungle, all of the jungle animals had pretty much stopped making all of their own decisions in what to do during the day, because they had a new friend in the jungle – a small lion. And lions are king of the jungle, so now all decisions, big and small, are being decided by the little guy…
CLOSE: Uh oh, looks like the jungle animals might be thinking about changing their mind about their new king! Will they plan an animal coup? We’ll find out next time, As the Jungle Turns!
***You may simulcast “As the Jungle Turns” on the Internet stream of your live broadcast only. Any other Internet use of As the Jungle Turns in whole or part including podcasting of your live broadcast is a violation of copyright law. Thank you for your cooperation on this vitally important issue. If you have any questions, please e-mail us.
MOMENT OF DUH
A Christmas Scrooge appears in Cape Town in the form of a women’s protest group.
In Cape Town, the Women’s Media Watch complained to the town council that a local billboard pronouncing “peace on earth and goodwill to all men” was sexist. The billboard was subsequently removed, and replaced with a Christmas tree picture. The group’s program director Lene Overland says, “Either you say goodwill to all, or goodwill to men and women.”
TV GUIDE’S TOP 10 HOLIDAY EPISODES OF ALL TIME
TV Guide listed its choices for the best Christmas episodes of all time. While you can’t argue with picks like “M*A*S*H,” “The Dick Van Dyke Show” and “The Simpsons,” you have to wonder why the authors felt compelled to include an episode from “thirtysomething.” It was probably guilt, which, if we’re not mistaken, was the theme of the entire show.
- “The Dick Van Dyke Show” – December 18, 1963 – Dick and the gang perform a special holiday show for “The Alan Brady Show.”
- “M*A*S*H” – December 18, 1978 – Father Mulcahy writes a letter home to his sister.
- “The Simpsons” – December 17, 1989 – Homer loses what little Christmas money he has at the dog track, but brings home the losing dog: Santa’s Little Helper.
- “The Wonder Years” – December 14, 1988 – Kevin can’t decide what to get Winnie for Christmas.
- “All In The Family” – December 22, 1973 – Edith may have breast cancer.
- “Northern Exposure” – December 16, 1991 – Former astronaut Maurice Minnifield discovers he has a Korean son.
- “The Twilight Zone” – December 23, 1960 – Art Carney is an unlikely Santa.
- “The Mary Tyler Moore Show” – December 19, 1970 – Mary has to work on Christmas Eve.
- “The Honeymooners” – December 24, 1955 – Ralph thinks he has the perfect gift for Alice.
- “thirtysomething” – December 20, 1988 – Michael Steadman daydreams that he’s Rob in “The Dick Van Dyke Show.”
THE FILES OF LAW & DISORDER
A man’s car was taken away from him by the police simply because he gave a friend a ride to work! That story and more coming up in the files of Law & Disorder!
FILE #1: Burglar Robert Martin was having a pretty good evening. He had hit a home that was full of highly collectable Hummel figurines and had packed his car with them, about $15,000 worth. And that’s when he should have quit. But instead he broke into another residence. And then our poor burglar’s heart gave out. The homeowner returned home to find our bozo thief dead on the living room floor, apparently of a heart attack.
FILE #2: Nathan Robinson says it was like something out of the “Twilight Zone.” He’s the music director of a Baptist church in Southern California. Robinson had gone to a La Mesa music store to replace an electric piano and a soundboard that had been stolen from his church. At that very moment, a young man walked in carrying the church’s Yamaha keyboard, hoping to sell it to the store. Store employees stalled, while they called police. When officers arrived, the suspect ran. But police say he left behind the church’s stolen audio equipment and a driver’s license.
FILE #3: A South African man’s car was confiscated AND he was fined about $100 for giving his friends, none of whom owned a car, a lift to work. HUH?!?! Well, apparently it is illegal in South Africa to have a carpool unless all passengers own a car or the other passengers do not pay anything toward the gasoline. Recap… you can’t be in a carpool, unless you own a car – which of course would mean that you wouldn’t need the carpool, right? Or, you can be in a carpool as long as you’re not a nice person by helping the guy out with gas money. That’s illegal too. Okay. And, since this man’s friends helped him pay for the gasoline, he becomes classified as operating a taxi without a license. He’s riding a taxi to work pending his vehicle’s release. And what says the Transport Department deputy director about this? ”That’s the laws of our country. Unfortunately it is like that.”
STRANGE LAW: West Virginia: It is illegal to sneeze on a train.
THIS IS YOUR BRAIN ON DRUGS
It was the worst possible place to try to sell some drugs – right in front of the sheriff’s house.
Phil Steen says he was sitting on his front porch enjoying the evening air the other night but some suspicious activity was blocking his view. The sheriff-elect of Lewis County, Idaho, says one of the men told him to mind his own business. But Steen wasn’t intimidated, he ran the suspects’ plates instead. The investigation led to the bust of James MacArthur, who’s now facing a number of charges including possession of marijuana with intent to deliver. Steen adds the investigation continues.
What was the worst or strangest Christmas bonus you ever received from an employer?
What is your favorite Christmas memory?
BIBLE BRAIN BUSTER!
QUESTION: What did Paul say would increase in the last days: gossip, disobedience to parents, lovers of money, lovers of pleasure or all of the above?
ANSWER: All of the above (Timothy 3:1-4)
QUESTION: From 1941 until 1950, violet was part of the color mix for M&M’s Plain Chocolate Candies. In 1950, it was replaced with what color?
TRUE OR FALSE
Pay attention! If our next player doesn’t answer all ten T/F questions correctly we start all over from question #1! First person to answer question #10 correctly is our winner!
- Formally called Kiritimati, Christmas Island in the Indian Ocean is only 10 square miles. (False, it’s 52 square miles.)
- It is a British Christmas tradition that a wish made while mixing the Christmas pudding will come true only if the ingredients are stirred in a counter-clockwise direction. (False – it must be stirred clockwise.)
- It is estimated that four million people become sick each year from eating tainted Christmas leftovers. (False, it’s more like 400,000.)
- More diamonds are purchased at Christmas-time (31 percent) than during any other holiday or occasion during the year. (True)
- New York City’s Empire State Building’s world famous tower lights are turned off every night at midnight. (False… they exception is New Year’s Eve, New Year’s Day, Christmas Eve, Christmas Day, and St. Patrick’s Day, when they are illuminated until 3 a.m.)
- Easter Europe was disallowed from celebrating Christmas for several decades up until 1989. (True – on Christmas Day, 1989, Eastern Europe was permitted to celebrate Christmas freely and openly for the first time in decades. It was such big news that church masses were broadcast live for the first time in history.)
- St. Nicholas was bishop of the Turkish town of Myra in the early fourth century. (True. It was the Dutch who first made him into a Christmas gift-giver, and Dutch settlers brought him to America where his name eventually became the familiar Santa Claus.)
- The Canadian province of Nova Scotia leads the world in exporting lobster, wild blueberries, and Christmas trees. (True)
- There were three ghosts in Charles Dickens’s “A Christmas Carol”. (False – there were FOUR. The ghosts of Christmas Past, Christmas Present, Christmas Yet to Come, and the ghost of Jacob Marley.)
- The movie “How the Grinch Stole Christmas” (2000) features more than 52,000 Christmas lights, about 8,200 Christmas ornaments, and nearly 2,000 candy canes. (True)
TABLOID MATCH GAME
You have to match the blank in the tabloid headline with the word or phrase that has been removed!
_________ ACCENT NO LONGER SEXY (BRITISH)
PALO ALTO, CA – A new study out of Stanford University reveals that the British accent is no longer considered a positive trait for attracting sexual partners.
In a comprehensive new research study conducted jointly by the Department of Linguistics and the Department of Psychology at Stanford University, three thousand American men and women ranging in age from 18 to 54 were monitored to detect sexual arousal after hearing different foreign accents. The study was named after Professor John Comito, who worked with Alfred Kinsey in his youth and is now a pioneer in sexual linguistics.
Each subject participating in The Comito Study was put in a mood-enhanced room (low-lighting, soft music), then they were played samples of native speakers reciting simple phrases in English (i.e. “would you like to have dinner?” you look beautiful,” “let’s stroll in the park,” etc.). Subjects also heard several regional accents: New York, New Jersey, Midwest, Southern, Texas, and California. Electrodes attached to the subject monitored sexual arousal.
The results of The Comito Study surprised researchers. Women and men have always been aroused by French and Italian accents, and women have always seemed to go “weak in the knees” over British accents. No more. While the romance languages account for the majority of accents that attract the opposite sex, the British accent is slowly losing its sex appeal. “Women today seem unimpressed with the British accent. They are more attracted to accents of the more hot-blooded countries – Spain, Brazil, Greece.”
Here are the results of The Comito Study. The top 15 accents that caused sexual arousal in subjects:
- New Jersey
- South African
THE WAY TOO EARLY IN THE MORNING TO UNDERSTAND THE PUNCHLINE EVEN AFTER TWO CUPS OF COFFEE JOKE OF THE DAY
It was the day after Christmas at a church in San Francisco. The pastor of the church was looking over the cradle when he noticed that the baby Jesus was missing from among the figures. Immediately he turned and went outside and saw a little boy with a red wagon, and in the wagon was the figure of the little infant, Jesus.
So he walked up to the boy and said, “Well, where did you get Him, my fine friend?”
The little boy replied, “I got him from the church.”
“And why did you take him?”
The boy said, “Well, about a week before Christmas I prayed to the little Lord Jesus and I told him if he would bring me a red wagon for Christmas I would give him a ride around the block in it.”
During a field exercise at Camp Lejeune, N.C., my squad was on a night patrol through some thick brush. Halfway through, we realized we’d lost our map.
The patrol navigator informed us, “Our odds are 1 in 360 that we’ll get out of here.”
“How did you come up with that?” someone asked.
“Well,” he replied, “one of the degrees on the compass has to be right.
The Easterner had always dreamed of owning his own cattle ranch, and finally made enough money to buy himself the spread of his dreams in Wyoming.
“So, what did you name the ranch?” asked his best friend when he flew out to visit.
“We had a heck of a time,” admitted the new cowboy. “Couldn’t agree on anything. We finally settled on the Double R Lazy L Triple Horseshoe Bar-7 Lucky Diamond Ranch.”
“Wow!” his friend was impressed. “That’s a really long name! By the way, I don’t see any cattle on your ranch… where are they?”
The rancher looked down at the ground, “None of ’em survived the branding.”
The average American child eats 1,500 peanut butter sandwiches by the end of high school. ***MARLAR: Which explains why teenagers mumble all the time.
During the sweltering summer in Tokyo, Japan’s Ice Cream Association was trying to get publicity by introducing a number of non-traditional flavors. They included soybean, kelp, strawberry and spinach, garlic, potato and lettuce, cactus, seaweed, and perhaps oddest of all, horse meat-flavored ice cream. ***MARLAR: That Atkins diet has just destroyed all joy in life, hasn’t it?
OH CHRISTMAS TREE, JUST YOU AND ME…
I know that Christmas can be tough… especially on those that are single. But if you think about it, if the only person you’re hanging out with this Christmas is your Christmas tree, you may be one of the fortunate ones!
- Your Christmas Tree never complains when you want to change its appearance.
- You never have to sit there and wait 20-minutes while you Christmas Tree finishes getting ready for the big company Christmas Party!
- You can choose a Christmas Tree on outward looks alone and still be politically correct.
- Your Christmas Tree won’t complain that all you do on Christmas is lie-around all day watching football.
- If you get tired of your Christmas Tree (the only guest you have for the holidays), all you have to do is drag it out in to the woods, or toss it on the curb to have it hauled away.
- Your Christmas Tree never orders the lobster bisk and Champaign. All it wants is water!
- A Christmas Tree won’t return any gift that you give.
- It doesn’t matter what a Christmas Tree wears, they always look fat in it, so who cares?
IT MUST BE TRUE BECAUSE I HEARD IT ON THE RADIO!
ZERO INTELLIGENCE POLICY STRIKES AGAIN
A girl is kicked out of school for drinking grape juice!
The scene is Five Forks Middle School in Georgia. Amanda Williams has been suspended from school for NINE days for violating the schools zero-tolerance policy on drinking alcohol. “Good,” you might think. “The last thing we need is school is alcohol… she deserves to be suspended, and more!” Well… let’s get a little more information on this alleged infringement of school policy. Did Amanda sneak a shooter into school in her Britney Spears lunchbox? Did she pilfer a beer from her parents’ house and share it with her friends during lunch? Was she chugging Nyquil? Nope. Get this… Amanda was drinking grape juice. That’s right… grape juice. And she got it from the school cafeteria! Yet she was suspended for breaking the school’s no-tolerance policy on alcohol! Oh, so the grape juice must have been fermented, right? Wrong. So, how could Amanda be suspended for violating the school’s zero tolerance policy on alcohol? I hope you’re sitting down. Amanda was suspended because she joked with her friends that she was drinking wine. That’s it. We all know how young girls like to act grownup – so Amanda is trying to act grown up by joking that she’s drinking wine. Suspended — nine days. Mandatory. No exceptions. The school also has a zero-tolerance policy on smoking. What if some kid puts a pencil in his mouth and pretends to be taking a drag on a cigarette? Suspended? Apparently, yes… so don’t try it. Mandatory, you know. No exceptions. George Orwell would call these “Thought Crimes.”
‘Twas the night before Jesus came and all through the house,
Not a creature was praying, not one in the house.
Their Bibles were laid on the shelf without care,
In hopes that Jesus would not come there.
The children were dressing to crawl into bed,
Not once ever kneeling or bowing a head.
And Mom in her rocker with baby on her lap,
Was watching the Late Show while I took a nap.
When out of the East there arose such a clatter,
I sprang to my feet to see what was the matter.
Away to the window I flew like a flash,
Tore open the shutters and threw up the sash!
When what to my wondering eyes should appear?
But angels proclaiming that Jesus was here!
With a light like the sun sending forth a bright ray,
I knew in a moment this must be THE DAY!
The light of His face made me cover my head,
It was Jesus returning just like He had said.
And though I possessed worldly wisdom and wealth,
I cried when I saw Him, in spite of myself.
In the Book of Life which He held in His hand
Was written the name of every saved man.
He spoke not a word as He searched for my name;
When He said, “it’s not there,” my head hung in shame.
The people whose names had been written with love,
He gathered to take to his Father above.
With those who were ready He rose without a sound,
While all the rest were left standing around.
I fell to my knees, but it was too late;
I had waited too long and thus sealed my fate.
I stood and I cried as they rose out of sight;
Oh, if only I had been ready tonight.
In the words of this poem the meaning is clear:
The coming of Jesus is drawing near.
There’s only one life and when comes the last call,
We’ll find that the Bible was true after all!
DRIVE TIME DEVOTIONAL
A CHRIST VACATION? (GOOD ONE FOR STUDENTS TODAY)
When you get some time off from school, do you turn your break into a “Christ vacation”? Here’s what I mean. We all know what can go on during vacation breaks from school. Those southern trips away from college to the sunny climes of some beachfront hotel may not exactly be events you want your parents to attend. The group dynamics can turn ugly if the people you are hanging with don’t share your faith in Christ.
Christmas vacation getaways are often one big, raucous, God’s-not-invited party. And when a person of faith goes on one of those away-from-school functions, it could very easily become a “Christ vacation”—a time when you take a vacation from Jesus.
No one would suggest that a dedicated Christian like you would purposely abandon what you believe and head out on a sin-filled week of debauchery. But sometimes what starts out as some fun in the sun becomes instead a time for shunning the Son. In other words, it’s easy to get caught up in the unsavory elements of these congregations of college students.
Before you pack the suntan lotion and the Oakleys, it might be wise to set up some unbreakable guidelines for yourself—based on the unchangeable principles of Scripture. Here are some examples:
Avoid sexual sin: Read Colossians 3:5. Purity is an important part of the Christian life, and any immoral sexual behavior is wrong.
Practice modesty: Read 1 Timothy 2:9. Modesty is vital, just like the caution not to dress extravagantly. Guys, this applies to you too.
Keep under the control of the Spirit; not spirits: Read Ephesians 5:18. Be controlled by God’s Spirit, not by alcohol.
Keep your heart soft toward God: Read Ephesians 4:17-19. A hardened heart can lead to sensuality.
The next time you and a tropical beach get together, take those passages of Scripture along with you. Let them remind you not to allow the lure of wild parties and unfettered freedom to cause you to leave your Savior behind. He’s going to be there anyway through the Holy Spirit. You may as well let Him keep you from having a vacation that you can’t forget—no matter how hard you try. —DB
PLEASE DON’T DRIVE
Not using your car in Seattle could not only save you some money, but also make you some money.
Seattle has begun a unique experiment where it’s paying some families to not use their second car. The two-dozen families participating in the research will receive 85-dollars a week during the six-week project. In return they are just asking the participants to keep a journal of how they got around without the use of their car. The information will be used in an education campaign to limit driving. ***MARLAR: They’ve already figured out how to keep us from driving – gas prices.
LIFE… LIVE IT
KEEPING THE HOLIDAYS SIMPLE
Emilie Barnes, author of “Keep It Simple,” has some holiday ideas you might want to try:
- Let your family pick one or two Christmas events they want to do, instead of something every week.
- Combine your tree decorating, with a small potluck Christmas party. The guests can help decorate the tree and you’ve combined two holiday functions.
- Draw names for gift giving instead of trying to buy everyone a gift.
- Give gift cards; put them in a miniature stocking as a fun way to present the gift.
Now instead of planning another day of shopping, cleaning or cooking, make a cup of tea and put your feet up. Relax, and enjoy the season of our Savior’s birth.
JUST FOR FUN
CHANGES TO THE 12 DAYS OF CHRISTMAS SONG
Effective immediately, the following economy measures are to take place in the “Twelve Days of Christmas” subsidiary:
- The partridge will be retained, but the pear tree never turned out to be the cash crop forecasted. It will be replaced by a plastic hanging plant, providing considerable savings in maintenance;
- The two turtle doves represent a redundancy that is simply not cost effective. In addition, their romance during working hours could not be condoned. The positions are therefore eliminated;
- The three French hens will remain intact. After all, everyone loves the French;
- The four calling birds were replaced by an automated voice mail system, with a call waiting option. An analysis is underway to determine who the birds have been calling, how often and how long they talked;
- The five golden rings have been put on hold by the Board of Directors. Maintaining a portfolio based on one commodity could have negative implications for institutional investors. Diversification into other precious metals as well as a mix of T-bills and high technology stocks appear to be in order;
- The six geese-a-laying constitutes a luxury which can no longer be afforded. It has long been felt that the production rate of one egg per goose per day is an example of the decline in productivity. Three geese will be let go, and an upgrading in the selection procedure by personnel will assure management that from now on every goose it gets will be a good one;
- The seven swans-a-swimming is obviously a number chosen in better times. The function is primarily decorative. Mechanical swans are on order. The current swans will be retrained to learn some new strokes and therefore enhance their outplacement;
- As you know, the eight maids-a-milking concept has been under heavy scrutiny by the EEOC. A male/female balance in the workforce is being sought. The more militant maids consider this a dead-end job with no upward mobility. Automation of the process may permit the maids to try a-mending, a-mentoring or a-mulching;
- Nine ladies dancing has always been an odd number. This function will be phased out as these individuals grow older and can no longer do the steps;
- Ten Lords-a-leaping is overkill. The high cost of Lords plus the expense of international air travel prompted the Compensation Committee to suggest replacing this group with ten out-of-work congressmen. While leaping ability may be somewhat sacrificed, the savings are significant because we expect an oversupply of unemployed congressmen this year;
- Eleven pipers piping and twelve drummers drumming is a simple case of the band getting too big. A substitution with a string quartet, a cutback on new music and no uniforms will produce savings which will drop right down to the bottom line;
We can expect a substantial reduction in assorted people, fowl, animals, and other expenses. Though incomplete, studies indicate that stretching deliveries over twelve days is inefficient. If we can drop ship in one day, service levels will be improved. Regarding the lawsuit filed by the attorney’s association seeking expansion to include the legal profession, the action is pending. If successful, the action would add one more set of gifts the song… “thirteen lawyers-a-suing.”
TOP FIVE ELF COMPLAINTS
- Bells on clothing draw jeers at truck stops
- Incredible markup at North Pole 7-Eleven
- Workman’s comp doesn’t cover “mistletoe lung”
- Santa only invites favorites to join him in the Jacuzzi
- The Colonel practically runs my life (Oops, sorry… that’s not an elf complaint, that’s an “Elvis” complaint)
MORE SHOW PREP STUFF…
Want to stop unauthorized people from parking in handicapped spaces? Embarrass them! In one English town, people who park without a permit in handicapped parking spaces will be asked to move their cars or face the consequences of getting a ticket. But it won’t be a person telling them to do it… it will be the parking meter! It’s a special parking meter that senses when a car has arrived in the space. Once you’ve parked in the handicapped space and open your door, you’ll hear: “Welcome to Stockport Town Hall. Please note that you are parked in a disabled parking space and must be able to display a relevant badge. If you do not display a relevant badge, you will receive a parking ticket. These conditions apply 24 hours a day, seven days a week.” The idea is to make the person parking there feel really uncomfortable if they’re not handicapped. ***MARLAR: We need one of these things at the grocery store in the “Ten Items or Less” line!
OTHER STUFF I WANT TO CRAM INTO TODAY’S PREP
As part of a 55-year-old University of Illinois Urbana-Champaign tradition, students brighten up the Christmas holiday by singing carols to callers for an entire week. According to ABC News, Dial-A-Carol is a University program that is open around the clock for one week. Officials say the team works hard to make sure there’s never a request they can’t fulfill. They have a song library that’s 79 pages thick, and if a volunteer doesn’t know the words already, they will look the lyrics up or grab someone who does know the song.
Thousands of people have fulfilled an eight-year-old’s wish for Christmas cards — and also donated $300,000 for her future. According to the Good News web site, Safyre Terry survived an arson attack on her upstate New York home two years ago that killed the rest of her family. She has endured 20 surgeries since then. When her aunt, Liz Dolder, brought home a tree that could hold dozens of Christmas cards, the little girl wanted to fill every spot. Dolder mentioned her nieces request on her Facebook page and it took off from there. Hundreds of people spread the word about Safyre’s request. Focus on the Family’s Jim Daly even shared about it in his blog. Since then more than 200,000 cards and 4,000 packages have arrived for the holiday-loving orphan.
Just in time for Christmas, the latest holiday tips from Grit and Grace.Org on wrapping presents:
- Got kids? Choose one wrapping paper for each child, leave tags off and keep them guessing until Christmas Day which presents are theirs.
- Buy reusable Shopping Bags from your favorite grocery store to put your gifts in, makes two presents in one!
- Organization tubs filled with tissue paper hiding the gift inside is another two-in-one gift-wrapping idea.
- Brown craft paper. You can stamp it, or leave plain. Nice cream-colored ribbon dresses it up.
- Use simple red plaid paper and tie a bow with burlap around each package for a rustic look.
- During the after-Christmas-sales, stock up on discounted ornaments to use as “bows” on presents next year.
- Wrap presents for kids by adding plastic dinosaurs or cars…something you know they will like.
- For kids who know their letters, trace the first letter of their name on a piece of felt, cut it out, and attach it somewhere on the package.
AND I LEAVE YOU WITH THIS THOUGHT
Did you ever wonder how many gangsta rap guys do Christmas albums? Me neither.
THE WAY WE WORK
(Updated as it comes available. The Way WE Work is written by Mark Elfstrand from 1160Hope.com in Chicago.)
One of those early maxims you learn in the military is “Don’t volunteer for ANYTHING!” If you have to ask why, you haven’t been there. Those who miss this lesson early on will learn.
One chap shared that he was at Army basic at Ft. Oklahoma back in the 1980s. A drill sergeant asked if anyone could drive a truck. A few raised their hands. Those who responded “spent the next two days building a gravel parking lot using a pile of gravel, a garbage can, and two entrenching tools.” Enough said. Lesson complete.
A few weeks ago, I read an item from Jeff Haden, a writer and contributor to Inc.com. He is also the author of Transformed: Dramatically Improve Your Career, Business, Relationships, and Life…One Simple Step at a Time. Jeff blogs as well.
Jeff’s article was titled, “Why You Should Sometimes Work for Free.” It’s more than just the idea of volunteering. He’s advocating pro bono work as well.
One friend of Jeff’s has a policy against anyone working for free. His reasoning? “I don’t think anyone should give away their profession.”
Okay…that’s one person’s perspective, albeit a wrong one in my view. The reason it’s wrong is that this poor soul must believe that the ability to do his professional work comes of his own will. In other words, no creator or support team (teachers, mentors, etc) were involved in providing or in first giving him the abilities he has and then helping him develop those talents.
I see it differently. My work is in broadcasting. Frequently I have been told I have a “wonderful radio voice.” While grateful for the compliment, I quickly admit that I had very little to do with it. Close to nothing. I was born with the voice I have. There is training and technique involved to develop the use of a voice, but the product itself is not mine for which to take credit.
Whatever your skills and abilities, you would be well advised to realize much of what enables your success is a gift from God. Stroke victims come to realize how vulnerable we are in the human body. I have some blockage in my carotid artery. A very small amount of junk accumulating there could put an end to any number of functions I depend on daily. My very existence—apart from any abilities—is a gift from God.
With that in mind, how can one not offer themselves in some form of service because of a grateful heart? Christmas time is a season when we see volunteers of many stripes take action. Even the Grinch must take off his hat and salute the sweetness of human compassion expressed by volunteering.
And kudos to those who offer pro bono services of any kind throughout the year. Some do legal work. Others provide financial services. Some do creative work of writing. Even speaking activities of various kinds.
Jeff Haden’s article offered several reasons why “working for free” offered the giver personal benefits. His ideas included:
- You get to stretch a little
- You get to be more creative
- You get to flex a few atrophied muscles… and lastly…
- You get to do the right thing
Staying on that last point, it brings up the issue of heart motivation. Doing any kind of charitable activity out of corporate or personal self interest has a measure of defeat involved. Sure, the work may be beneficial. But the heart of the giver is not in it; it’s giving out of selfish ambition. Usually for recognition or some tax write-off.
This brings me to an important personal policy of mine. I try to contribute my time and abilities to the causes to which I’m most drawn. Aggressive fund raisers or charity organizers tend to ask and almost obligate one to service. It’s a gentle form (usually) of guilt motivation. Also, a lousy reason to serve others. So please, don’t volunteer me.
This Christmas season, I hope you can see added beauty in the One who lived a human life totally out of love and sacrifice. His entire life was pro bono. From the earliest recorded days of the “ministry” life of Jesus of Nazareth, He was a giver.
He gave His wisdom through His teaching. He gave His power to heal every kind of disease. Jesus made an offer only He could make: to forgive sins. Not cover them up…forgive them. Blot them out. A free gift. Just believe.
Let’s add one more. He brings us peace, not as the world gives. Jesus said it this way, “I give you peace, the kind of peace that only I can give. It isn’t like the peace that this world can give. So don’t be worried or afraid.” (John 14:27, CEV)
Oh…and as far as volunteering for show, Jesus also said this: “When you do good deeds, don’t try to show off. If you do, you won’t get a reward from your Father in heaven. (Matthew 6:1, CEV)
Friend, Jesus’s call to His disciples 2000 years ago is the same call He makes to you today: “Follow me.”
That’s The Way WE Work. Click on the link to the right to connect via Facebook.
Catch “Let’s Talk with Mark Elfstrand” weekday afternoons from 4-6pm on AM 1160 Hope for Your Life. To listen to the live broadcast or a podcast of previous shows click here.
THE TICKET Movie Reviews with MARIE ASNER
Marie Asner has been reviewing films for over 30 years. Her outlets include radio, print and Internet. For more in-depth movie reviews of the following films, visit www.Tollbooth.org. Ratings from 1 (Low) to 5 (High).
DECEMBER 18, 2015…
Star Wars: The Force Awakens—Fans have waited so long and it is here. Your favorites are in the film including Harrison Ford and Carrie Fisher, and new actors such as Adam Driver, Gwendoline Christie and Daisy Ridley. The storm troopers don’t always do what they are told (rebellion in the ranks?) and the bad guys are the First Order. It is war in the galaxy far, far away, so buckle on your light saber and away we go. “Star Wars: The Force Awakens” is rated PG 13. Rating of 4 for fans and that includes just about everyone. Enjoy.
Sisters—Amy Poehler and Tina Fey star as just that…two sisters…who don’t always get along. They decide they want to have the rowdiest party ever. I mean ever. Of course, this means the audience envies what they do because if you tried it, the police would be there. “Sisters” is rated R. No rating.
Son Of Saul (opening in select cities)—This is a film about the Holocaust and a man who works in a crematorium and still tries to honor the dead. Subtitles. Stars Gaza Rohrig and Levente Molnar. “Son Of Saul” is rated R. No rating.
DECEMBER 23-25, 2015…
Alvin and the Chipmunks: The Road Chip has the guys on the road again. Fans know who they are.
Concussion stars Will Smith as the pathologist who begins to study the effect of concussions in football.
Daddy’s Home comedy has Will Ferrell trying to be a good step-father while Mark Wahlberg is the trouble-making Dad.
Joy has Jennifer Lawrence taking on the role of the woman who invited the Miracle Mop.
Point Break is a remake of the classic crime film that starred Patrick Swayze. This time, Luke Bracey stars.
Snowden (opening in select cities) stars Joseph Gordon-Levitt as the person who passed secrets.
Macbeth (opening in select cities) has Michael Fassbender in the title role with Marion Cotillard as Lady Macbeth.
The Big Short has Ryan Gosling and Brad Pitt as guys who enjoy the betting game.
Youth (opening in select cities) is a beautifully photographed film about aging and stars Michael Caine and Harvey Keitel.
Legend (opening in select cities) is finally opening widely and stars Tom Hardy in two roles, as the Kray Brothers who ran organized crime in London in the 1960’s.
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Darren Marlar credits all non-original material to the author whenever possible. All other material is original, used with permission, or author unknown. We welcome all comments, questions, and suggestions. Darren can be reached via his website at www.DarrenMarlar.com.