December 18, 2015: Friday ONAIRprep

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PRINTER FRIENDLY VERSION: 20151218

 

 

WELCOME TO THE SHOW!

Good morning! I want you to know I am in the holiday spirit… I am exhilarated… I am wearing my new Frosty the Snowman underwear…

 

 

BIBLE VERSE OF THE DAY

“Therefore keep watch, because you do not know on what day your Lord will come.” –Matthew 24:42

 

Philippians 2:14-15 = Do everything without grumbling or arguing, so that you may become blameless and pure, “children of God without fault in a warped and crooked generation.” Then you will shine among them like stars in the sky.

 

An angel of the Lord appeared to him in a dream and said, “Joseph, son of David, do not be afraid to take Mary home as your wife, because what is conceived in her is from the Holy Spirit. She will give birth to a son, and you are to give him the name Jesus, because he will save his people from their sins.” — Matthew 1:20-21

 

 

HEARTLIGHT DAILY VERSE, PRAYER & THOUGHT

(From VerseOfTheDay.com)

You know my folly, O God; my guilt is not hidden from you. May those who hope in you not be disgraced because of me, O Lord, the LORD Almighty; may those who seek you not be put to shame because of me, O God of Israel. — Psalm 69:5-6

 

Thought: While we’re all weak and sinful, and while we do have Jesus to atone for our sins and to intercede before the Father on our behalf, there are still a couple of big problems with our sin. This verse reminds us of one of them: we don’t want our sin to be an embarrassment to God or his people. Let’s avoid sin because that is what God wants us to do. Let’s avoid sin so it won’t reflect badly on God’s people. But let’s also pray for ourselves and our brothers and sisters in Christ that God will not allow our failures to bring shame on his Church, his Christ, and his cause.

 

Prayer: Forgive me, loving Shepherd, for my sins. I am sorry for rebelling against your grace. I am fully confident that you have forgiven and cleansed me of my sins through Jesus’ sacrifice. But please, dear God, use your divine power to prevent them from bringing shame or embarrassment on you and your people. In Jesus’ mighty name I pray. Amen.

 

The Thoughts and Prayers for Today’s Verse are written by Phil Ware. You can email questions or comments to phil@heartlight.org.

 

 

BIRTHDAY VERSE” OF THE DAY

The chapter and verse corresponds to the month and the day!

Matthew 12:18 NIV = “Here is my servant whom I have chosen, the one I love, in whom I delight; I will put my Spirit on him, and he will proclaim justice to the nations.

 

 

TODAY IS FRIDAY – DECEMBER 18, 2015

(NOTE: Some holidays may be duplicated due to various calendars reporting conflicting dates)
WEIRD, WACKY, STRANGE, ZANY, ODD, BIZARRE, QUIRKY, UNUSUAL HOLIDAYS!
THERE ARE ONLY 07 SHOPPING DAYS UNTIL CHRISTMAS.  

 

Today is LET’S SEE WHAT WE FIND IN THE FRIDGE DAY, a day to be brave and eat something from way back in the refrigerator. ***MARLAR: That might be tough – some of the stuff from Thanksgiving might’ve grown legs by now.

 

Today is NATIONAL WEAR A PLUNGER ON YOUR HEAD DAY. ***MARLAR: If it’s good enough for LarryBoy…

 

1975: Werner Erhard of San Francisco set a record by mailing his 62,824th personal Christmas card in one year. ***MARLAR: Now you know why the mail is running so slow. Thanks a lot, Werner!

 

Today is NATIONAL BAKE COOKIES DAY. You have six days before Christmas, and you need the practice! You don’t want to give Santa your “experimental” batch do you?

 

According to an old episode of the “Mr. Ed” TV show, NATIONAL SCROOGE WEEK begins today. ***MARLAR: I have no idea what that means, and no idea how it’s to be celebrated. In fact, seeing as it’s Scrooge Week, I’d think any celebration whatsoever would be contrary to the day.

 

Today is NATIONAL ROAST SUCKLING PIG DAY. ***MARLAR: Feel free if YOU want to, but I’ll be taking a pass on this one. If there’s one thing I like in my meals is that it doesn’t stare back at me.

 

 

TODAY IS ALSO. . .

Answer The Telephone Like Buddy The Elf Day

Arabic Language Day

International Migrants Day

National Ugly Sweater Day

Underdog Day

 

 

COMING UP NEXT

SATURDAY, DECEMBER 19

(None today)

 

SUNDAY, DECEMBER 20

International Human Solidarity Day

Games Day

Mudd Day

National Sangria Day

Poet Laureat Day

World Day of Prayer and Action for Children

 

MONDAY, DECEMBER 21

Ann & Samantha Day

Celebrate Short Fiction Day

Crossword Puzzle Day

National Flashlight Day

Forefathers Day

Humbug Day

International Dalek Remembrance Day

National Homeless Person’s Remembrance Day

Phileas Fogg Wins a Wager Day

Short Girl Appreciation Day

World Peace Day/Winter Solstice (11:48pm)

Yalda

Yule

 

TUESDAY, DECEMBER 22

(None today)

 

WEDNESDAY, DECEMBER 23

Human Light Celebration

 

THURSDAY, DECEMBER 24

Christmas Eve

Egg Nog Day

 

FRIDAY, DECEMBER 25

A’Phabet Day (No “L” Day)

Christmas

Christmas Pudding Day

 

SATURDAY, DECEMBER 26

Boxing Day

National Candy Cane Day

National Thank-You Note Day

National Whiner’s Day

 

SUNDAY, DECEMBER 27

Howdy Doody Day

Visit The Zoo Day

 

MONDAY, DECEMBER 28

Holy Innocents Day

Endangered Species Act Day

National Chocolate Day

Pledge Of Allegiance Day

 

 

ON THIS DAY

1719: Thomas Fleet of Boston published Mother Goose’s Melodies for Children. The stories had come from Fleet’s mother-in-law, Elizabeth Foster Goose.

 

1796: America’s first Sunday newspaper was published: The Baltimore Monitor.

 

1968: “Bag-ism” was introduced at London’s Underground Club when John Lennon and Yoko Ono crawled onstage inside a large white bag.

 

1975: Singer Rod Stewart announced in London that he was leaving the Faces to launch a solo career.

 

1975: Werner Erhard of San Francisco set a record by mailing his 62,824th personal Christmas card in one year. ***MARLAR: Now you know why the mail is running so slow. Thanks a lot, Werner!

 

1976: “Wonder Woman” debuted on ABC-TV. Lynda Carter was Wonder Woman; Lyle Waggoner was Major Steve Trevor. Wonder Woman had appeared in comic books since 1941. She possessed “the beauty of Aphrodite, the wisdom of Athena, the strength of Hercules, the speed of Mercury.”

 

1982: Auburn beat Boston College 33-26 in the Tangerine Bowl. MVP was Auburn fullback Bo Jackson. It was the first of four bowl game MVP awards

 

1985: Box office receipts made “Beverly Hills Cop” the top film of the year. “Back to the Future” was #2; “Rambo: First Blood, Part 2” was #3.

 

1989: Singer Amy Grant gave birth to a daughter. Amy and husband Gary Chapman named the baby Gloria.

 

1995: Houston police warned residents that a con man already had sold $25-thousand worth of water he claimed astronauts brought back from the moon. NASA assured police there was no such thing as “moon water.”

 

1997: Comedian Chris Farley was found dead in his Chicago apartment. He was 33 years old.

 

1999: Environmentalist Julia ”Butterfly” Hill came down after living two years in the top of an ancient redwood tree in Humboldt County, California, to protest logging.

 

2000: Hungarian divers held their Christmas celebrations early at the bottom of a lake. In a lake near the town of Hegyeshalom, the group swam around a fully decorated and weighted Christmas tree humming carols into their oxygen masks. Then they had a turkey feast on shore.

 

2002: Robert Johnson, the billionaire founder of Black Entertainment Television, was chosen as owner of the NBA’s new Charlotte expansion franchise.

 

2004: The U.S. officially forgave all of the $4.1 billion owed the government by Iraq and urged other creditors to do the same.

 

 

TODAY IN CHRISTIAN HISTORY

1555: John Philpot is burned as a Protestant during the reign of Queen Mary.

 

1821: George Müller spends his first night in jail on theft charges. After his release the following year, he becomes a Christian and one of the great prayer warriors of all time.

 

1707: Charles Wesley, who founded Methodism with his brother John, is born in England. A celebrated and prolific hymnwriter, his “Hark the Herald Angels Sing” and “Lo, He Comes” are widely sung this time of year.

 

1834: Emory College is chartered by Methodists in Georgia. It becomes Emory University many years later.

 

1835: Lyman Abbott, a Congregational clergyman who was a leading proponent of the social gospel, is born in Massachusetts. Prompted by his admiration of Henry Ward Beecher to enter the ministry, he succeeded Beecher as pastor at Brooklyn’s Plymouth Congregational Church.

 

1865: Slavery is abolished in the United States as the Thirteenth Amendment to the Constitution is ratified. Many of the abolitionists who pushed for its passage were Christians seeking to make America more like the Kingdom of God.

 

1957: English author Dorothy Sayers, a Christian apologist who was also the most popular mystery writer in England, dies.

 

 

HOLLYWOOD, SPORTS AND CELEBRITY FIGURE BIRTHDAYS

  • actress (Thank You For Smoking, Batman Begins, “Dawson’s Creek”, Mrs. Tom Cruise) Katie Holmes 37
  • actor (Ocean’s Eleven, Se7ven, Spy Game, Meet Joe Black, Legends of the Fall) Brad Pitt 52
  • actor (John Q, Unlawful Entry, Goodfellas, Field of Dreams) Ray Liotta 60
  • movie critic Leonard Maltin 65
  • director/producer Steven Spielberg 69

 

 

BEE-BOP BIRTHDAYS

(Music Artist Birthdays From SongFacts.com)

1938 : Chas Chandler (The Animals, Jimi Hendrix Experience)

1941 : Sam Andrew (Big Brother & the Holding Company)

1943 : Keith Richards

1953 : Elliot Easton (The Cars)

1970 : DMX

1972 : DJ Lethal (Limp Bizkit)

1980 : Christina Aguilera

 

 

SECRETS OF THE UNIVERSE

Why do they say “love” instead of “zero” in tennis?

Tennis used to be a sport for ladies and gentlemen. But in recent years we’ve seen championship caliber players cursing the linesman and throwing both their rackets and temper tantrums on the court. “Love” was hardly the point: tennis had become war. Not that tennis terminology such as “love” ever had anything
to do with being polite. In fact, substituting love for zero was a way of saying that the player with no points had laid an egg, and that’s not being very nice. The French, who popularized tennis, thought the zero on the scoreboard resembled an egg. French for egg is “l’oeuf,” which is what they called zero. When tennis crossed the pond, Americans also called zero “l’eouf.” They just slightly scrambled the pronunciation. And that’s the story of love.

 

 

CHRISTIAN ARTIST NEWS

Do you like the Christian Artist News you see below? It’s just a tiny sample of the 5-6 pages of material you could be receive every weekday… and it’s FREE! Become one of their subscribers at ChristianRadioShowPrepServices.com!

 

Did you know that the band Citizen Way was originally named The Least Of These?

 

Just in time for Christmas Joni is sharing 1 Cor 13, Christmas Style. It starts like this: “If I decorate my house perfectly with plaid bows, strands of twinkling lights and shiny balls, but do not show love to my family, I’m just another decorator. If I slave away in the kitchen, baking dozens of Christmas cookies, preparing gourmet meals and arranging a beautifully adorned table at mealtime, but do not show love to my family, I’m just another cook.

Read the entire passage here: http://ow.ly/VRuS3

 

A little insight into Casting Crowns Jaun Devevo: I’m a full grown man who eagerly awaits seeing Kung Fu Panda 3

 

Mac Powell this week: Wait a second! You mean to tell me there’s a new @starwars movie coming out!?! How come nobody told me?

 

Being on tour with Jeremy Camp has it’s advantages. Jamie Grace wanted to hear Jeremy sing her favorite song so, during a recent question and answer time before their concert together, Jamie says she just kept begging. And it worked, Jamie shared a video of Jeremy singing her favorite song in the Q&A line.

https://www.instagram.com/p/_QXY1yTSyB/

 

 

NEWS KICKERS

(No news on the weekends. Audio clips are only valid for a few days before being removed from our servers.)

 

NEW NEWS KICKERS…

Police in Michigan said a burglary suspect spent hours trapped in a restaurant’s pizza oven exhaust vent. Investigators said the man apparently tried to enter the building through a rooftop exhaust vent and ended up trapped in the duct for 11 hours.  *** That must be some pretty doggoned good pizza, otherwise why not just call Domino’s?

 

When Julia Sbardella’s frying pan caught fire, the last thing on her mind was marriage. She was so relieved when firefighter Rod Rodwell turned up in her kitchen that she flung herself into his arms. The UK couple kept in touch and love blossomed — and now they’ve tied the knot.  *** Hopefully his firefighter salary is good enough to afford eating out every night, because we already know how dangerous she is in the kitchen.

 

According to a survey, two-thirds of Americans interviewed could not name their Congressional representatives.  *** “I don’t know his or her name, but I really don’t approve of the job he or she is doing, that’s for sure!”

 

According to a festive poll, one-third of Americans would rather have a root canal than go Christmas shopping.  *** Well sure, because you’re numbed up, reclining, and it costs less.

 

 

NEWS KICKER EVERGREENS…

Who causes more stress for you – your spouse, or your boss?  Research shows that spouses are a bigger source of stress than bosses. There may be no place like home, but if you want to relax then you might be better off at work, according to the survey.   The poll of 3,000 men and women also found that husbands are more likely to send their wives’ blood pressure soaring than the other way round.  ***MARLAR: Upon hearing the news, husbands all over the nation immediately volunteered to go fishing… for their wives’ sake.

 

According to a study by the journal Human Nature, men and women are different when it comes to carrying their cell phones. Men tend to take their phones out of their jackets and briefcases and place them in the open for anyone to see, while women usually left theirs tucked away. The men also fiddled with the phones often, especially when the ratio of males to females increased. The journal also discovered that many cell phones that you see being used aren’t even real. Some phones are just playing the role of status symbol.  ***MARLAR: These are probably the same people who had imaginary friends growing up.  After all, who do you think they’re talking to on those fake phones?

 

Women have a new reason to get help with their insomnia — poor sleep might be damaging their marriages. After a bad night’s sleep women — but not men — tend to have more negative interactions with their spouses, a new study shows.  “Other research has shown that sleep disturbance and deprivation has profound effects on mood, irritability and frustration tolerance,” said the study’s lead author, Wendy Troxel, an assistant professor of psychiatry and psychology at the University of Pittsburgh. “And the person you’re most likely to take it out on is not your boss or some random person, but your spouse.” And women were the most likely to have negative responses.  ***MARLAR: It’s bad enough my wife hogs all of the covers and half the bed, but if I wake her up to get her to move then suddenly I’m the rotten jerk?

 

It can be tricky enough to maintain a gluten-free diet, but how are you supposed to fend off wheaty crumbs on the lips of romantic partners? You don’t have to anymore, gluten-free diners. There’s a special site just for you — GlutenFreeSingles.com, “where you never have to feel alone, awkward, or a burden because you are gluten-free.”  ***MARLAR: Gluten Free Singles… sounds like individually wrapped soymilk slices.

 

 

WONDER WOMAN

CLICK HERE TO DOWNLOAD TODAY’S EPISODE… “Uphill Battle Goes Downhill”

 

 

DAILY COMEDY CLIP

CLICK HERE TO DOWNLOAD TODAY’S EPISODE… Jeff Allen, “Airline Drinks, Belts, and Windows”

 

 

AS THE JUNGLE TURNS – WEEKDAY VERSION

CLICK HERE TO DOWNLOAD FRIDAY’S EPISODE
CHRISTMAS EPISODE – REPLAY!

 

OPEN: And now, FancyMonkey.com, (Show Name), and (Station Call Letters) bring you As the Jungle Turns! When last we left the jungle, Gruffy Bear, annoyed that his new neighbor was pounding on the walls in the middle of December, decided to put a stop to it. And not only did this awaken Gruffy from his all-winter hibernation, but it’s also awakened him to something new… Christmas!

 

CLOSE: From all of us at (Station Call Letters), (Show Name), and from everyone at FancyMonkey.com – have a very Merry Christmas!

 

 

AS THE JUNGLE TURNS – SATURDAY/SUNDAY VERSION

CLICK HERE TO DOWNLOAD THE EPISODE FOR THE WEEKEND OF DECEMBER 19/20

 

OPEN: And now, FancyMonkey.com, (Show Name), and (Station Call Letters) bring you As the Jungle Turns! When last we left the jungle, all of the jungle animals had pretty much stopped making all of their own decisions in what to do during the day, because they had a new friend in the jungle – a small lion. And lions are king of the jungle, so now all decisions, big and small, are being decided by the little guy…

 

CLOSE: Uh oh, looks like the jungle animals might be thinking about changing their mind about their new king! Will they plan an animal coup? We’ll find out next time, As the Jungle Turns!

 

***You may simulcast “As the Jungle Turns” on the Internet stream of your live broadcast only. Any other Internet use of As the Jungle Turns in whole or part including podcasting of your live broadcast is a violation of copyright law. Thank you for your cooperation on this vitally important issue. If you have any questions, please e-mail us.

 

 

MOMENT OF DUH

A fast-acting fire department acts a little TOO fast.

The El Paso Fire Department recently answered a call about smoke coming from a building. Upon their arrival, firefighters broke into the building, which turned out to be a new restaurant called Bodacious Bar-B-Q. Restaurant co-owner Adrian Newton says firefighters should have shown restraint and should have noticed the smokestacks and signs about the new restaurant. However, Newton says he has no hard feelings and hopes firefighters will stop by to try the barbecue.

 

 

TOP TEN

TOP TEN WORST CHRISTMAS MOVIES EVER MADE (Fandango.com)

  1. “Christmas with the Kranks”
  2. “Surviving Christmas”
  3. “Deck the Halls”
  4. “Home Alone 3”
  5. “Ernest Saves Christmas”
  6. “Santa with Muscles”
  7. “Jack Frost”
  8. “Jingle All the Way”
  9. “Silent Night, Deadly Night”
  10. “Santa Claus Conquers the Martians.”

 

 

TOP TEN WORST MOVIE SANTAS (TopTenz.net)

  1. Santa Visits the Magic Land of Mother Goose
  2. Santa’s Magic Kingdom
  3. A Christmas Story
  4. The Santa Clause 3 — The Escape Clause
  5. Miracle on 34th Street (the new version)
  6. Silent Night, Deadly Night
  7. Santa Claus Conquers the Martians
  8. Santa’s Slay
  9. Santa Claus: The Movie
  10. Bad Santa

 

 

THE FILES OF LAW & DISORDER

A burglar asks his victim out on a date!

 

FILE #1: 20 year old Stephen Mitchell broke into the apartment of a 21 year old woman. Stephen was surprised to find anyone at home and was even more surprised at how lovely the woman was. So, instead of robbing the place, he did what any idiot-burglar would do. He asked her for a date. Just to get rid of him, she gave him her phone number and of course he called back later to set up the date. She arranged to meet him at a restaurant but the only person waiting there for Stephen was a police officer.

 

FILE #2: (One of my favorite stories of all time… period.) Some cops in Portugal were pretty sure the man they were interrogating was guilty, so they hooked him up to a home made lie-detector. They put a metal spaghetti strainer on the man’s head with wires that lead to a copy machine. On the copier there was a piece of paper that said “He’s lying.” Every time they asked the guy a question about the crime, a cop pushed the copy button and out popped a sheet of paper that said “He’s lying.” Amazed by the cop’s accurate lie detector, the criminal broke down and confessed to three robberies.

 

FILE #3: Philip Roklen’s tank makes quite a first impression — especially on police. Officers pulled Roklen over during an anything-but-routine traffic stop. Roklen is a military vehicle collector and took one of his tanks out for a spin on the town beach. The World War Two tank has a fake cannon and three phony machine guns. But officers didn’t know the weapons were fakes. Roklen was charged with a number of violations, including operating an unregistered vehicle.

 

STRANGE LAW: In Miami it’s against the law to imitate animals.

 

 

THIS IS YOUR BRAIN ON DRUGS

Gregory Walter went to court to deal with two criminal charges. By the end of his appearance, he had gotten a third.

Walter as in court on attempted burglary and drug possession charges when he was accused of trying to hide cocaine under a courtroom chair. Witnesses said he reached into his shirt pocket and tried to hide a small plastic bag of white powder under a chair leg. A deputy retrieved the packet, the substance tested positive for cocaine and Walter now has a new drug charge added to his file.

 

 

PHONER PHUN

America’s favorite Christmas songs of all time?

  1. Bing Crosby’s “White Christmas” (1942)
  2. Nat King Cole’s “The Christmas Song (Chestnuts Roasting on an Open Fire)” (1946)
  3. Burl Ives’s “A Holly Jolly Christmas” (1965)
  4. “Rockin’ Around the Christmas Tree” (Brenda Lee, 1958)
  5. “Jingle Bell Rock” (Bobby Helms, 1957)

What’s YOUR favorite Christmas song?

 

 

BIBLE BRAIN BUSTER!

QUESTION: Who was told to name his firstborn son Jezreel?

ANSWER: Hosea (Hosea 1:1-4)

 

 

QUESTION IMPOSSIBLE

QUESTION: According to Men’s Health, doing this will take 16 years off your life! Smoking is not the answer. What?

ANSWER: Worrying!

 

 

TRUE OR FALSE

Pay attention! If our next player doesn’t answer all ten T/F questions correctly we start all over from question #1! First person to answer question #10 correctly is our winner!

 

  1. The Christmas wreath is actually a holdover from an old Halloween celebration. (False – it’s actually borrowed from ancient Rome’s New Year’s celebrations. Romans wished each other “good health” by exchanging branches of evergreens.)

 

  1. The poem commonly referred to as “The Night Before Christmas” was originally titled “A Visit From Saint Nicholas.” (True. This poem was written by Clement Moore for his children and some guests, one of whom anonymously sent the poem to a New York newspaper.)

 

  1. The Puritans began the tradition of singing Christmas carols. (False – they actually forbade the singing of Christmas carols!)

 

  1. There are twelve courses in the Ukrainian Christmas Eve supper, in honor of the twelve days of Christmas. (False – according to the Christian tradition, each course is dedicated to one of Christ’s apostles.)

 

  1. Oklahoma didn’t declare Christmas a legal holiday until the year 1987. (False – they did so in 1907.)

 

  1. In 1937, the first postage stamp to commemorate Christmas was issued in Austria. (True.)

 

  1. “Toys for Tots” started making the holidays a little happier for children by organizing its first Christmas toy drive for needy youngsters in 1947. (True)

 

  1. In 1996, Christmas caroling was banned at two major malls. (True. Both malls were in Pensacola, Florida. Apparently, shoppers and merchants complained the carolers were too loud and took up too much space.)

 

  1. In an effort to solicit cash to pay for a charity Christmas dinner in 1891, a large crab pot was set down on a San Francisco street, and that’s how the Salvation Army collection kettle started. (True)

 

  1. In America, the weeks leading up to Christmas are the biggest shopping weeks of the year. (True. Many retailers make up to 70% of their annual revenue in the month preceding Christmas.)

 

 

TABLOID MATCH GAME

You have to match the blank in the tabloid headline with the word or phrase that has been removed!

OCTOMOM LAUNCHES ADVICE SHOW ON _________ (PARENTING)

LOS ANGELES –  Octomom is launching a show on parenting.  It will launch online first, but NBC is reportedly picking it up for the Spring.

Nadya Suleman, Octomom,  inked a multi-million dollar deal to host her own talk show that revolves around – parenting.  She will give mothers across the country advice on how to care for children, how to juggle work and home life and generally… how to be a better woman.

Suleman has 14 children – 8 of which were born at the same time.

 

 

THE WAY TOO EARLY IN THE MORNING TO UNDERSTAND THE PUNCHLINE EVEN AFTER TWO CUPS OF COFFEE JOKE OF THE DAY

JOKE #1

Jill had applied for a job and when she returned home, her mother asked how the interview went. “Pretty good I think”, replied Jill, “but if I go to work there I won’t get a vacation unless I’m married.

Her mother of course, had never heard of such a thing and asked “Is that what they told you?

“No”, replied Jill, “they didn’t tell me that, but on the application it said,

‘Vacation time may not be taken until you’ve had your First Anniversary.’

 

JOKE #2

Are caterpillars good to eat?” asked Little Kurt at the dinner table.

“No,” said his father. “Why would you ask a question like  that?”

“Well, there was one in your salad, but it’s gone now.”

 

JOKE #3

A young man was having some money problems, and needed $200 to get his car fixed and road-worthy again. But had run out of people to borrow from. So, he calls his parents via the operator, and reverses the charge and says to his father. “I need to borrow two hundred dollars,” he says.

At the other end, his father says, “Sorry, I can’t hear you, son, I think there may be a bad line.”

The boy shouts, “Two hundred. I need two hundred dollars!”

“Sorry, I still can’t hear you clearly,” says his father.

The operator cuts in, “Sorry to butt in, But I can hear him perfectly clearly.”

The father says, “Good. YOU send him the money!”

 

 

USELESS FACTS

According to a survey of historians, today is the best time in U.S. history in which to be alive.  ***MARLAR: Because if you were alive in the 1700s or 1800s, well, you’d be dead by now.

 

In an AIG Insurance poll, 66% of men said their wives were the people they’d most want to be with if they were stuck in a traffic jam.  ***MARLAR: Apparently, the poll was conducted among men who were stuck in traffic jams with their wives sitting right there beside them.  (Personally, I’d want to be in the car with Superman so he could fly us straight out of there!)

 

 

FEATURED FUNNIES

WHY WOMEN WOULD LOVE BEING SANTA CLAUS

 

  1. You’d never be expected to make the coffee.

 

  1. There’d be no more early morning decisions about what to wear to the office.

 

  1. You could grow a gut the size of Fat Albert’s and consider it a job requirement.

 

  1. One big black belt – accessorized for life!

 

  1. There’d be no reason to have your colors done.

 

  1. Everyone would be extremely nice to you, even if you weren’t.

 

  1. Should people suggest your belly jiggled… that is when you giggled… like a bowlful of jelly, you could hit them with your purse.

 

  1. You’d always work in sensible footwear.

 

  1. There’d be no need to play office politics; a hearty ‘Ho! Ho! Ho!’, would remind everyone who’s boss.

 

  1. You wouldn’t need an expensive briefcase.

 

  1. No one would dare ask for a ride to work.

 

  1. Never again have to wear pantyhose or worry about your slip showing.

 

  1. No more trips to the vending machine… you’d just snack on milk and cookies all day.

 

  1. You’d never be asked to take an early retirement package.

 

  1. Juggling work and family would be a breeze because your children would adore you; even your teen-agers would want to sit in your lap.

 

  1. You’d be guaranteed the best chair in the office.

 

  1. Age discrimination wouldn’t be an issue.

 

  1. You’d never grab the wrong coat on your way out the door.

 

  1. No one would ask to see your job description.

 

  1. Your co-workers would be on notice that they’d better not pout.

 

 

IT MUST BE TRUE BECAUSE I HEARD IT ON THE RADIO!

RIGHT TYPE FOR THE JOB

In China, there are companies that won’t hire you even if you are the most qualified applicant, simply because you have a blood type they don’t approve of!

A number of companies in China will not hire people unless they have blood types O or B because, strange as it may seem, they believe that people with these blood types are ”comparatively more stable and personable.” They are so particular about this, that they force applicants to submit to a blood test. Apparently, in China, coming up with various obscure rules and regulations for hiring people is perfectly acceptable. It’s legal for companies to set their own criteria for employment, however cockamamie and discriminatory they may be. ***MARLAR: Fortunately, we don’t have this freedom here in the U.S.  Otherwise I might not still be employed here.

 

 

INSPIRATIONAL INSPIRATION

LESSON FROM “IT’S A WONDERFUL LIFE”

(From a radio friend, Chris Wallace)

I’m sitting in my chair enjoying the upteenth showing of It’s A Wonderful Life while I’m trying to get over this bronchial infection.   Anyway, as usual there’s that …thing in my eye when watching the end…You know after George Bailey’s nightmare alternate reality(even with this classic, I’m not going to take the chance of spoiling the movie for you).   Once again for those of us who remember the emotional living room scene with some of the movies character’s parading before George and his family, each face with a story of how George impacted each of their lives. Now right from there I could go into a lesson of how each individual life is touched by ours..but isn’t that the point of the movie?

No, my focus this time was on the bank examiner and the man(whoever he was) with an arrest warrant.   More emotion struck me as the bank examiner threw money on the pile, and then..the other guy..the one with the arrest warrant…pulls the menacing document from his coat, smiles at George and rips it up and lays it upon the pile!     Then I thought…this…This is what Christmas is all about.   An insurmountable debt being paid by the One who had and has the power to put us away…permanently.     Romans 8:33 says “Who shall bring a charge against God’s elect? It is God who justifies. Who is he who condemns? It is Christ who died and furthermore is also risen, who is even at the right hand of God, who also makes intercession for us.”   The ultimate bailout. We don’t deserve it. We can’t afford it. We can’t even justify it. We don’t need to. He already did.   This is something I’ve been even meditating this week in my own heart. Tonight, I

literally saw it in black and white(I’m not a big fan of the colorized version by the way).   Can you imagine, the Holy, Righteous Judge of All, looking you straight in the eye…knowing all the guilt that you deserve..standing before your mountain of sin…no matter how high, suddenly winks at you and rips up your condemnation. If that ain’t grace and redemption illustrated…man.

Hopefully, if we find ourselves behind a mic or on a platform reciting Luke 2:14, we’ll do it with a new resonance, a new understanding and a deeper and more personal appreciation of the greatest bailout of all time.

“Glory to God in the Highest…Peace on earth…Goodwill toward men. “(Luke 2:14 NKJV)

Merry Christmas!

 

–Chris Wallace

 

 

DRIVE TIME DEVOTIONAL

After more than 2 months of indulging myself on all kinds of holiday goodies, the last thing I want to do is squeeze myself into a tight pair of jeans. But that may be just the thing I need to do if I’m serious about losing the weight I gained from eating Halloween candy, Thanksgiving pies, and Christmas cookies.

Although I feel thinner when I wear loose-fitting clothes, it’s a feeling based on illusion, not reality. And if I choose to believe the feeling, I’ll have to buy more and more clothes in larger and larger sizes so I can avoid feeling fat and uncomfortable.

The same thing happens when I allow myself a little self-indulgent behavior. If I’m not careful, the “privilege” turns into a habit. If I begin staying out late on week nights, sleeping late in the morning, or going to work late, soon the exception becomes the rule. I feel as if I have more freedom when I live under fewer rules but it too is a feeling based on illusion, not reality. And if I choose to believe the feeling, I’ll have to keep expanding my definition of “late” to avoid feeling bad about myself.

In the spiritual realm, a similar principle is at work. If I reserve the right to indulge myself in things like lust, revenge, or negative thinking, they soon become part of what I consider normal and acceptable. Although I feel more spiritual when I set looser restrictions, it’s a feeling based on illusion, not reality. And if I choose to believe the feeling, I’ll have to redefine sin to avoid the uncomfortable feeling of guilt.

Maybe your first semester away from home has been a nonstop celebration of freedom, and in order not to feel bad about yourself, you just keep “loosening your belt,” figuratively speaking, of course. You keep expanding your wardrobe of acceptable behavior because the “tight jeans” your parents sent you off to college in are much too uncomfortable.

Moses, in his last words to the children of Israel, reminded them that the Lord’s restrictions were for their own good (Deuteronomy10:13-17; ch. 28). This was a difficult truth for the people to accept, and it hasn’t gotten any easier in the past 3500 years. But it’s one that all of us have to embrace if we want to find happiness.

It’s a stretch to say that tight jeans can solve a spiritual problem, but they can serve as a good reminder that “tight-fitting” rules are actually for our good. –JAL

 

 

LEFTOVERS

THIS JOB IS FOR THE BIRDS

“Wanted: Human scarecrow. Must be able to move arms. Immediate opening.”

That very well could have been the job ad for a German electric company. The Envia firm has hired a man to stand under power lines and wave his arms all around to scare off overweight birds that are disrupting electrical service.  The birds spend all day feasting in sunflower fields near the junction of four major power lines and at the end of the day have eaten so much they can barely manage to fly. And being so overweight the birds are weighing down the cables after settling down for a night’s sleep. The cables, which are stretched to breaking point by the thousands of overweight birds, are then shorting out causing power cuts to nearby towns.  Electrical outages were so frequent that residents were threatening not to pay their electric bills. Traditional scarecrows proved ineffective. The only thing that worked was when engineers from the firm went round to the field to scare the birds off, so a man has been hired full-time to scare away the birds.

 

 

LIFE… LIVE IT

AMERICA’S MOST WALKABLE CITIES

Front Seat, the civic software company that operates the Web site Walkscore.com, has announced America’s most walkable cities. With the price of a gallon of gas skyrocketing, Americans are increasingly looking for walkable places to live. The findings are based on analysis of 2,508 neighborhoods in the 40 most populous U.S. cities. According to Walk Score, the top 10 most walkable cities are:

  1. San Francisco – Chinatown, Financial District, Downtown
  2. New York – Tribeca, Little Italy, Soho
  3. Boston – Back Bay-Beacon Hill, South End, Fenway-Kenmore
  4. Chicago – Loop, Near North Side, Lincoln Park
  5. Philadelphia – City Center East, City Center West, Riverfront
  6. Seattle – Pioneer Square, Downtown, First Hill
  7. Washington, D.C. – Dupont Circle, Logan Circle, Downtown
  8. Long Beach, CA – Downtown, Belmont Shore, Belmont Heights
  9. Los Angeles – Mid City West, Downtown, Hollywood
  10. Portland, OR – Pearl District, Old Town-Chinatown, Downtown

(From www.walkscore.com.)

 

 

JUST FOR FUN

MAKING A BIG STINK

Ever wish you could have that lady next to you in the elevator arrested for wearing too much perfume?  Move to Canada and you can do that.  In fact, one city has banned fragrances of any kind… period.
Someone’s extra use of cologne might not just annoy you, but could actually get them arrested in a certain Canadian city. The authorities in Nova Scotia attracted worldwide attention when it banned fragrant scents, perfumes and colognes from public spaces in order to protect the rights of those with allergies to perfumed products. Recently a 17-year-old girl was arrested by Canadian Mounted Police for wearing a scented hair gel!
Now industry leaders, who claim the ban has no scientific foundation, are trying to get the ban overturned arguing that fragrances and scented products are safe for human use and therefore shouldn’t be banned. Experts
brought in by the pro-perfume lobby say it is not true that perfumes contain toxic ingredients including carcinogens and neurotoxins.

 

 

FUN LIST

PRACTICAL JOKES TO PLAY ON SANTA

  • Instead of milk and cookies, leave him a salad and a note explaining that you think he could stand to lose a few pounds.
  • While he’s in the house, go find his sleigh and write him a speeding ticket.
  • Leave him a note explaining that you’ve gone away for the holidays. Ask if he would mind watering your plants.
  • While he’s in the house, replace all his reindeer with exact replicas, then wait and see what happens when he tries to get them to fly.
  • Keep an angry bull in your living room. If you think a bull goes crazy when he sees a little red cape, wait until he sees that big, red Santa suit!
  • Leave a note by the telephone telling Santa that Mrs. Claus called and wanted to remind him to pick up some milk and a loaf of bread on his way home.
  • While he’s in the house, find the sleigh and sit in it. As soon as he comes back and sees you, tell him that he shouldn’t have missed that last payment, and take off.
  • Leave a plate filled with cookies and a glass of milk out with a note that says, “For The Tooth Fairy. (*Smile*).”  Leave another plate out with half a stale cookie and a few drops of skim milk in a dirty glass with a note that says, “For Santa. (*Frown face).”
  • Take everything out of your house as if it’s just been robbed. When Santa arrives, show up dressed like a policeman and say, “Well, well. They always return to the scene of the crime.”
  • Leave out a copy of your Christmas list with last-minute changes and corrections.
  • Leave Santa a note explaining that you’ve moved. Include a map with unclear and hard-to-read directions to your new house.
  • Paint “hoof-prints” all over your face and clothes. While he’s in the house, go out on the roof. When he comes back up, act like you’ve been “trampled” and threaten to sue.

 

 

MORE SHOW PREP STUFF…

WORLD’S OLDEST KINDERGARTENER

Sure you want to live to be old? Would you reconsider if I told you that it might mean being required to go back to school at age 105?  In Switzerland in 1998, a 105-year-old retired teacher was ordered to attend elementary school, thanks to a computer that cut a century off his age. The mix-up happened because a list of local residents had only the last two digits of his birth date. So the man, along with sixty-five 5-year-olds in the town, received a letter ordering him to start school. ***MARLAR: But he was a good sport about it, and said that at his age he tends to forget things, and reviewing the ABC’s might not be a bad idea.

 

 

OTHER STUFF I WANT TO CRAM INTO TODAY’S PREP

Looking for the perfect drink to rehydrate after your workout; milk might be the answer. According to a time report, researchers have found that Milk and milk alternatives—thanks to their natural balance of sodium, carbohydrate and protein—help the body retain fluid, making it an effective recovery drink for exercisers. The researchers tested cow’s milk, soy milk, a milk-based meal supplement and Powerade and found that drinking a milk-based meal supplement after exercise led to better fluid retention than the other drinks, but all of the milk-based products were superior to Powerade in terms of rehydrating the body post-exercise.

http://ti.me/1Rv5XAr

 

A graduate student at a northern New Jersey university says he found a rare first edition of the King James Bible while looking through the library’s rare-book shelves. According to Yahoo News, Brian Shetler is a doctoral candidate in book history at Drew University. He stumbled upon the Bible sitting in a box in October while collecting a sample of 17th-century books that were printed in England. The 1611 Bible is one of less than 200 versions thought to still exist.

http://yhoo.it/1YP4UND

 

Four Memphis, Tennessee, police officers surprised an 11-year-old boy with a new Xbox after his home was burglarized the same day. According to ABC News, The young boy and his mother returned home from church Sunday to discover his Xbox, all his games and some of his mother’s items had been stolen. The four officers who responded to the burglary realized “he didn’t have a whole lot” and “this game system, handed down from someone else, was everything to him.” The four cops then surprised the boy, explaining that despite not finding his old Xbox, the new one was his now.

http://abcn.ws/1NpPR4N

 

5 ways to instantly connect with anyone you meet

  1. When listening to someone, your eyes should never look away for longer than a few seconds.
  2. Don’t relate everything to you. If you are in a conversation and someone is talking, let them have the stage.
  3. Watch for filler comments such as “yeah,” “oh cool,” “gotcha,” “interesting,” etc.
  4. Don’t pretend like you know everything
  5. If you are someone who gets nervous or freezes up during conversations, plan your questions in advance.

http://ti.me/1XCfLxq

 

 

AND I LEAVE YOU WITH THIS THOUGHT

I think my Christmas shopping has come to a screeching halt. Yesterday I stuck my ATM card in a machine, and it said, “You’re kidding, right?!”

 

 

THE WAY WE WORK

(Updated as it comes available. The Way WE Work is written by Mark Elfstrand from 1160Hope.com in Chicago.)

 

Don’t Volunteer Me

 

One of those early maxims you learn in the military is “Don’t volunteer for ANYTHING!” If you have to ask why, you haven’t been there. Those who miss this lesson early on will learn.

One chap shared that he was at Army basic at Ft. Oklahoma back in the 1980s. A drill sergeant asked if anyone could drive a truck. A few raised their hands. Those who responded “spent the next two days building a gravel parking lot using a pile of gravel, a garbage can, and two entrenching tools.” Enough said. Lesson complete.

A few weeks ago, I read an item from Jeff Haden, a writer and contributor to Inc.com. He is also the author of Transformed: Dramatically Improve Your Career, Business, Relationships, and Life…One Simple Step at a Time. Jeff blogs as well.

Jeff’s article was titled, “Why You Should Sometimes Work for Free.” It’s more than just the idea of volunteering. He’s advocating pro bono work as well.

One friend of Jeff’s has a policy against anyone working for free. His reasoning? “I don’t think anyone should give away their profession.”

Okay…that’s one person’s perspective, albeit a wrong one in my view. The reason it’s wrong is that this poor soul must believe that the ability to do his professional work comes of his own will. In other words, no creator or support team (teachers, mentors, etc) were involved in providing or in first giving him the abilities he has and then helping him develop those talents.

I see it differently. My work is in broadcasting. Frequently I have been told I have a “wonderful radio voice.” While grateful for the compliment, I quickly admit that I had very little to do with it. Close to nothing. I was born with the voice I have. There is training and technique involved to develop the use of a voice, but the product itself is not mine for which to take credit.

Whatever your skills and abilities, you would be well advised to realize much of what enables your success is a gift from God. Stroke victims come to realize how vulnerable we are in the human body. I have some blockage in my carotid artery. A very small amount of junk accumulating there could put an end to any number of functions I depend on daily. My very existence—apart from any abilities—is a gift from God.

With that in mind, how can one not offer themselves in some form of service because of a grateful heart? Christmas time is a season when we see volunteers of many stripes take action. Even the Grinch must take off his hat and salute the sweetness of human compassion expressed by volunteering.

And kudos to those who offer pro bono services of any kind throughout the year. Some do legal work. Others provide financial services. Some do creative work of writing. Even speaking activities of various kinds.

Jeff Haden’s article offered several reasons why “working for free” offered the giver personal benefits. His ideas included:

  • You get to stretch a little
  • You get to be more creative
  • You get to flex a few atrophied muscles… and lastly…
  • You get to do the right thing

Staying on that last point, it brings up the issue of heart motivation. Doing any kind of charitable activity out of corporate or personal self interest has a measure of defeat involved. Sure, the work may be beneficial. But the heart of the giver is not in it; it’s giving out of selfish ambition. Usually for recognition or some tax write-off.

This brings me to an important personal policy of mine. I try to contribute my time and abilities to the causes to which I’m most drawn. Aggressive fund raisers or charity organizers tend to ask and almost obligate one to service. It’s a gentle form (usually) of guilt motivation. Also, a lousy reason to serve others. So please, don’t volunteer me.

This Christmas season, I hope you can see added beauty in the One who lived a human life totally out of love and sacrifice. His entire life was pro bono. From the earliest recorded days of the “ministry” life of Jesus of Nazareth, He was a giver.

He gave His wisdom through His teaching. He gave His power to heal every kind of disease. Jesus made an offer only He could make: to forgive sins. Not cover them up…forgive them. Blot them out. A free gift. Just believe.

Let’s add one more. He brings us peace, not as the world gives. Jesus said it this way, “I give you peace, the kind of peace that only I can give. It isn’t like the peace that this world can give. So don’t be worried or afraid.” (John 14:27, CEV)

Oh…and as far as volunteering for show, Jesus also said this: “When you do good deeds, don’t try to show off. If you do, you won’t get a reward from your Father in heaven. (Matthew 6:1, CEV)

Friend, Jesus’s call to His disciples 2000 years ago is the same call He makes to you today: “Follow me.”

Any volunteers?

That’s The Way WE Work. Click on the link to the right to connect via Facebook.

 

Catch “Let’s Talk with Mark Elfstrand” weekday afternoons from 4-6pm on AM 1160 Hope for Your Life. To listen to the live broadcast or a podcast of previous shows click here.

 

 

THE TICKET Movie Reviews with MARIE ASNER

Marie Asner has been reviewing films for over 30 years. Her outlets include radio, print and Internet. For more in-depth movie reviews of the following films, visit www.Tollbooth.org. Ratings from 1 (Low) to 5 (High).

 

DECEMBER 18, 2015…

 

Star Wars: The Force Awakens—Fans have waited so long and it is here.  Your favorites are in the film including Harrison Ford and Carrie Fisher, and new actors such as Adam Driver, Gwendoline Christie and Daisy Ridley.  The storm troopers don’t always do what they are told (rebellion in the ranks?) and the bad guys are the First Order. It is war in the galaxy far, far away, so buckle on your light saber and away we go.  “Star Wars: The Force Awakens” is rated PG 13. Rating of 4 for fans and that includes just about everyone.  Enjoy.

 

Sisters—Amy Poehler and Tina Fey star as just that…two sisters…who don’t always get along. They decide they want to have the rowdiest party ever.  I mean ever.  Of course, this means the audience envies what they do because if you tried it, the police would be there.  “Sisters” is rated R. No rating.

 

Son Of Saul (opening in select cities)—This is a film about the Holocaust and a man who works in a crematorium and still tries to honor the dead. Subtitles. Stars Gaza Rohrig and Levente Molnar. “Son Of Saul” is rated R. No rating.

 

DECEMBER 23-25, 2015…

 

Alvin and the Chipmunks: The Road Chip has the guys on the road again. Fans know who they are.

 

Concussion stars Will Smith as the pathologist who begins to study the effect of concussions in football.

 

Daddy’s Home comedy has Will Ferrell trying to be a good step-father while Mark Wahlberg is the trouble-making Dad.

 

Joy has Jennifer Lawrence taking on the role of the woman who invited the Miracle Mop.

 

Point Break is a remake of the classic crime film that starred Patrick Swayze. This time, Luke Bracey stars.

 

Snowden (opening in select cities) stars Joseph Gordon-Levitt as the person who passed secrets.

 

Macbeth (opening in select cities) has Michael Fassbender in the title role with Marion Cotillard as Lady Macbeth.

 

The Big Short has Ryan Gosling and Brad Pitt as guys who enjoy the betting game.

 

Youth (opening in select cities) is a beautifully photographed film about aging and stars Michael Caine and Harvey Keitel.

 

Legend (opening in select cities) is finally opening widely and stars Tom Hardy in two roles, as the Kray Brothers who ran organized crime in London in the 1960’s.

 

# # # # #

 

 

 

WARNING:  Don’t believe anything you read on the Internet or email (including stuff you read here) unless you can confirm it with another source, and/or it is consistent with what you already know to be true. The opinions in this publication are not necessarily those of Darren Marlar, Marlar House Entertainment, OnAirPrep.com, or any company or organization affiliated with aforementioned. (Regardless of how stupid you may think those opinions are. So there – nyah!)

Darren Marlar credits all non-original material to the author whenever possible. All other material is original, used with permission, or author unknown. We welcome all comments, questions, and suggestions. Darren can be reached via his website at www.DarrenMarlar.com.