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PRINTER FRIENDLY VERSION: 20151222
WELCOME TO THE SHOW!
I’m in terrible shape. While Christmas shopping last night I was passed in the parking lot by the guy returning 25 shopping carts.
BIBLE VERSE OF THE DAY
1 Peter 2:17 = Show proper respect to everyone, love the family of believers, fear God, honor the emperor.
Romans 14:9 = For this very reason, Christ died and returned to life so that he might be the Lord of both the dead and the living.
HEARTLIGHT DAILY VERSE, PRAYER & THOUGHT
While [Joseph and Mary] were [in Bethlehem], the time came for the baby to be born, and she gave birth to her firstborn, a son. She wrapped him in cloths and placed him in a manger, because there was no room for them in the inn. — Luke 2:6-7
Thought: I’ve always been amazed at how God chose to place his Son into our world. He could have done it any way he wanted. But he chose this way — to enter the world in difficult times under difficult circumstances as a helpless infant who must be cared for by parents who were vulnerable to so many frailties. Yet in spite of the challenges that lay ahead and the bewildering mystery that confronted them, Joseph and Mary — along with everyone around them — were caught up in the great joy of this new child. Thank God for such new hope!
Prayer: Give me a heart of faith, O God, so that I might always see your sovereignty and grace being poured out on me in special ways. I am thrilled that you, the Creator and Sustainer of the entire universe, chose to enter my world as a child. Thank you for trusting your wonderful salvation to human flesh so we could know that you deemed us worthy of entering our world to make us right for yours. In the name of your Son, Jesus. Amen.
“BIRTHDAY VERSE” OF THE DAY
The chapter and verse corresponds to the month and the day!
1 Samuel 12:22 NIV = For the sake of his great name the LORD will not reject his people, because the LORD was pleased to make you his own.
TODAY IS TUESDAY – DECEMBER 22, 2015
(NOTE: Some holidays may be duplicated due to various calendars reporting conflicting dates)
WEIRD, WACKY, STRANGE, ZANY, ODD, BIZARRE, QUIRKY, UNUSUAL HOLIDAYS!
THERE ARE ONLY 03 SHOPPING DAYS UNTIL CHRISTMAS.
Today is SANTA CLAUS CLEARANCE DAY, the day the U.S. Federal Aviation Administration usually clears Santa Claus for his annual flight. The FAA says Santa’s sleigh is equipped with an in-flight de-icing system for polar routes, a Terrain Avoidance Warning System required for low-altitude flights, and a special seat belt extension for a rotund pilot.
Today is CHRISTMAS TREE LIGHTS DAY. ***MARLAR: Today?!? That’s a little late to be stringing Christmas lights, isn’t it?
Today is NATIONAL DATE-NUT BREAD DAY. ***MARLAR: As opposed to “Date a Nut Day” which is pretty much any day of the year.
FIRST FULL DAY OF WINTER (it began yesterday, but today is the first FULL day) — The National Energy Commission says to winterize your home this winter make sure you check for air leaks, check your insulation & weather stripping and don’t forget to check your heating system. ***MARLAR: That’s great for most of the country, but what about those warmer climates like Southern California and Florida? Well, here are a few tips for those of you in the warmer climates…
- Make sure you have enough SPF-30 handy for those “brrrr” 75 degree sunny days.
- Make sure you have a supply of clean, long sleeve t-shirts for those chilly winter days.
- Fuzzy head covers to keep your driver and 3-wood warm during those frigid 65-degree days on the golf course.
- Be sure you have enough charcoal, cold drinks and blue & gold shorts to wear at those NFL tailgate parties.
- Ladies, you may have to drop the hem an inch or so on your skirts to stay warmer at those outdoor happy hours.
- Make sure your strappy sandals straps are at least 3/8″ wide. You’ll need the extra “warm” toe-coverage
- And most importantly… try to locate the extra sheet for your bed to keep “toasty warm” at night.
- Keep your lawnmower sharpened… that “dead, dormant” lawn will still need to be mowed twice a month.
And finally, today is CHIPMUNKS DAY, marking the day in 1958 when Alvin, Simon, and Theodore hit #1 with “The Chipmunk Song.” (audio clip)
TODAY IS ALSO. . .
COMING UP NEXT
WEDNESDAY, DECEMBER 23
Human Light Celebration
THURSDAY, DECEMBER 24
Egg Nog Day
FRIDAY, DECEMBER 25
A’Phabet Day (No “L” Day)
Christmas Pudding Day
SATURDAY, DECEMBER 26
National Candy Cane Day
National Thank-You Note Day
National Whiner’s Day
SUNDAY, DECEMBER 27
Howdy Doody Day
Visit The Zoo Day
MONDAY, DECEMBER 28
Holy Innocents Day
Endangered Species Act Day
National Chocolate Day
Pledge Of Allegiance Day
TUESDAY, DECEMBER 29
Tick Tock Day
ON THIS DAY
1882: The first Christmas tree with electric lights was turned on at the home of Ed Johnson in New York City. 1882: ***MARLAR: They actually invented them the year before but it took them a whole year to finish untangling them.
1945: Diane Sawyer was born in Glasgow, Kentucky. She was the national Junior Miss in 1962, worked as a press aide to President Richard Nixon, and was hired in 1981 to co-anchor the “CBS Morning News” with Charles Kuralt.
1948: Hank Williams recorded “Lovesick Blues.”
1949: Rookie Tony Lavelli scored 26 points to lead the Boston Celtics to an 97-69 win over the defending NBA champion Minneapolis Lakers. Lavelli also entertained fans with a half-time accordion concert.
1955: The Walt Disney movie “The Littlest Outlaw” opened in movie theaters throughout the U.S.
1956: Billboard magazine reported Elvis Presley charted the most times during the year with 17 different records. Next was Pat Boone with five hit singles, and Fats Domino, Little Richard and the Platters had three each.
1963: An official 30-day mourning period following the assassination of President Kennedy came to an end.
1980: Stiff Records released an album entitled The Wit and Wisdom of Ronald Reagan. The entire LP contained no sound at all.
1984: Bernard Goetz shot and wounded four teenage boys on a New York subway after one of them approached him for money. ***MARLAR: Salvation Army bell-ringers beware!
1993: Singer Michael Jackson, fighting child molestation allegations, issued a video statement in which he said he was “totally innocent of any wrongdoing.”
1999: Members of the 900-year-old thatched Norman Church of St. Peter and St. Paul in Mautby, England, announced the church would celebrate Christmas for the first time ever with electric lights. An anonymous benefactor has installed lights in the church that had always worshipped by candlelight because it could not afford electricity.
2002: Time magazine chose as its Persons of the Year three female whistleblowers: FBI agent Coleen Rowley; WorldCom auditor Cynthia Cooper; and former Enron vice president Sherron Watkins.
2006: A report from the Austin Energy power company in Texas has revealed approximately 20 percent of all its power outages are the result of squirrels. The squirrels had a habit of coming into contact with sensitive electrical equipment on utility poles and were likely responsible for nearly 700 area outages a year.
TODAY IN CHRISTIAN HISTORY
1216: Pope Honorius III officially approves the Dominican Order, which is dedicated “to preaching and the good of souls.” Founded earlier that year by Dominic, the order has since been associated with study and scholarship, and with such luminaries as Thomas Aquinas and Albertus Magnus.
1899: Evangelist Dwight L. Moody, the chief spokesman for the revivalist wing of American evangelicalism, dies.
1917: Francesca Xavier Cabrini, founder of the Missionary Sisters of the Sacred Heart, dies in Chicago’s Columbus Hospital. In 1946 she was canonized by the Roman Catholic Church, becoming the first American citizen declared a saint.
HOLLYWOOD, SPORTS AND CELEBRITY FIGURE BIRTHDAYS
- Actress (Blair Witch Project) Heather Donahue, 41
- Actor (The English Patient, Schindler’s List) Ralph Fiennes (rayf fines), 53
- Singer Robin Gibb 66
- TV journalist Diane Sawyer, 70
- Actor (“Chicago Hope”) Hector Elizondo, 79
(Music Artist Birthdays From SongFacts.com)
1937 : Red Steagall
1939 : James Gurley (Big Brother & the Holding Company)
1946 : Rick Nielsen (Cheap Trick)
1949 : Robin Gibb [Bee Gees]
1949 : Maurice Gibb [Bee Gees]
1989 : Jordin Sparks
SECRETS OF THE UNIVERSE
What’s with all the red and green during Christmas?
Red and Green – Possibly from the Holly, which was an early Christmas decoration. Or from the AD325 council of Nicaea, which laid down guidelines for symbolism in church art; Red – blood, sacrifice, divine love, courage, & martyrdom, Green – stood for hope, earth growth, spring, safety, rest youth, & victory, Blue – divine mystery, eternity, & heaven, Purple – royalty & riches, Violet – justice, penitence, pain, pity, & sadness, Gold – Spiritual riches, achievement, & good life, White – purity, faith, truth, peace, & eternity, Black – evil & unknown.
CHRISTIAN ARTIST NEWS
Do you like the Christian Artist News you see below? It’s just a tiny sample of the 5-6 pages of material you could be receive every weekday… and it’s FREE! Become one of their subscribers at ChristianRadioShowPrepServices.com!
The Jamie Grace support group is back. She posted this week: hi, I’m Jamie Grace and I have never seen Star Wars. The support group was started earlier this year for all those who, like Jamie, have never seen many of the movies everyone talks about like Back to the Future, Star Wars, etc.
Mercyme’s Robby Shaffer is struggling through Physical Therapy. Robby shared a picture as he worked out on a stationary bike after knee surgery. Robby said: Amazing what the body can do even when you don’t think it should be able to.
Kutless front man Jon Micah Sumrall says it’s crazy how much streaming has changed the music industry. According to Jon Micah, in 2015 862-thousand people listened to Kutless music online. If the amount of time everyone spent listening to Kutless music was extended out, one song at a time, their music would play for a staggering 58 years.
Moriah Peters announced that she was leaving Tennessee behind for the holidays. She tweeted: Celebrating Christmas the only way I know how: sun rays, warm days and ice skating on the beach in Southern California.
Matthew West’s lyrics so good…they’re tattoo worthy! At least, that’s the opinion of one fan. She shared a picture of the phrase “Living Proof; Grace wins every time” permanently displayed on her arm.
Paul Baloche is out with a 10 day “Christmas Worship Devotion” through the YouVersion Bible App. Check out Paul’s Christmas devotionals. http://bible.com/r/X4
Jamie Grace is out with her own version of Star Wars. She tweeted: if you don’t want Star Wars to be spoiled then don’t watch my latest video. However, the Jamie Grace version of the story is affected slightly by the fact that Jamie has never seen any of the actual Star Wars movies. Watch her rendition…
|Prague zoo claims to have the longest salamander on Earth photo
PRAGUE (AP) — Prague Zoo says it likely has the longest Chinese giant salamander now on Earth. The critically endangered animal is the largest amphibian on the planet. In a statement Sunday, the zoo says Karlo, a Chinese giant salamander it received 19 months ago from the State Museum of…
|No dog-eat-dog politics: Siberian city backs cat for mayor photo
BARNAUL, Russia (AP) — Tired of the dog-eat-dog politics in their Russian city, the residents of Barnaul say they want a cat to be their next mayor. The Siberian city of 650,000 people, which lies 2,900 kilometers (1,800 miles) east of Moscow, is to get a new mayor next week when a commission…
|Error coin, a dime struck onto a nail, is headed to auction photo
NEW YORK (AP) — Is it a dime? Or is it a nail? In probably one of the oddest items to come to the world of coin collecting, Dallas-based Heritage Auctions has announced the sale of a Roosevelt dime that was accidentally (or some say deliberately) struck onto a zinc nail. Yes, that piece of…
|China names and shames 5 tourists over bad behavior
BEIJING (AP) — China’s tourism authority named and shamed another five tourists for bad behavior and says it is working with airlines on a possible flying ban. Those added to the list of “uncivilized behavior” by tourists include two women and a man who brawled after one woman’s seat was…
|Lip balm containing pot ingredient thrown out at air base
ANCHORAGE, Alaska (AP) — Officials say they had to discard hundreds of tubes of lip balm that were distributed at Joint Base Elmendorf-Richards after they were found to contain trace amounts of THC, an active ingredient in marijuana. The base’s Sexual Assault Prevention and Response Office…
|California server finds $32,000 at eatery, returns to owner
FRESNO, Calif. (AP) — Police in California say a waiter returned $32,000 in cash after some diners accidentally left it behind. HASH(0x13ec2d0) When the waiter found the money he told his boss, who called police. The money was ultimately returned to the family. The server was not identified….
|Cowboys ride to the rescue of deer trapped in Arizona canal
PEORIA, Ariz. (AP) — Two cowboys are being credited with coming to the rescue of a deer stuck in an Arizona canal. The state Game and Fish Department received several calls Thursday reporting a deer was trapped in a canal near Lake Pleasant, northwest of Phoenix. The animal apparently slipped…
|Indiana mayor re-elected by 1 vote after ballot challenge
INDIANAPOLIS (AP) — The mayor of an Indiana town has been re-elected by one vote after an election panel threw out a ballot. Jasper held a recount this week after the November election between Republican Mayor Terry Seitz and Democratic rival Wayne Schuetter ended in a tie. On Friday, a local…
|Oregon man sentenced to prison for beheading mother’s cat
SALEM, Ore. (AP) — A Salem man who beheaded his mother’s cat was sentenced to more than four years in prison after pleading guilty to animal abuse and drug charges. Rudy Espinoza was arrested in June after neighbors called 911. Deputies found him scratched and covered in blood. Asked why he…
|Nebraska deputy jumps into moving truck; driver passed out
NORFOLK, Neb. (AP) — A Nebraska sheriff’s deputy jumped into the cab of a runaway semitrailer after the driver apparently passed out at the wheel, stopping the vehicle from possibly crashing off a busy viaduct bridge. Deputies responding to a 911 call about a reckless semi on U.S. Highway 81…
|Minnesota mom sinks half-court shot, wins half off tuition
BLOOMINGTON, Minn. (AP) — A Minnesota mom says she said a little prayer before hoisting a basketball half-court and sinking her shot to win thousands of dollars off her daughter’s private school tuition. Angela Ramey and her daughter, Grace raised the most money in a school fundraiser at…
|New rules bringing kidneys to hardest-to-transplant patients photo
WASHINGTON (AP) — A shake-up of the nation’s kidney transplant system means more organs are getting to patients once thought nearly impossible to match, according to early tracking of the new rules. It’s been a year since the United Network for Organ Sharing changed rules for the transplant…
|Beijing’s 2nd smog red alert of the month goes into effect photo
BEIJING (AP) — Beijing was enveloped in eye-watering, throat-irritating smog on Saturday as the second red alert of the month went into effect in the Chinese capital, forcing many cars off the roads and restricting factory production. A wave of smog settled over the notoriously polluted city…
|San Francisco hospital suspends kidney donations after death
SAN FRANCISCO (AP) — One of the nation’s most prominent medical centers has voluntarily suspended its living donor program for kidney transplants after a living donor died last month. The donor had provided a kidney to a recipient at University of California San Francisco Medical center in…
|Flu season off to slower start this year; might be milder photo
NEW YORK (AP) — This year’s flu season seems like old times. There’s not much flu going around so far — unlike the last three seasons when doctors’ offices were filled with patients before Christmas and illnesses peaked by late December. “It really is off to sort of a slow start”…
|Report: Drug overdose deaths surged in 14 states last year
NEW YORK (AP) — Drug overdose deaths surged in 14 states last year, pushing the nation to a record count, according to a government report released Friday. Rates went up in Alabama, Georgia, Illinois, Indiana, Maine, Maryland, Massachusetts, Michigan, New Hampshire, New Mexico, North Dakota,…
|FDA proposes ban on indoor tanning for minors photo
WASHINGTON (AP) — Anyone under the age of 18 would be barred from using indoor tanning equipment, under a federal proposal to help reduce skin cancer linked to the devices. The Food and Drug Administration also wants to require tanning bed users to sign consent forms acknowledging the risks…
|Painkiller politics: Effort to curb prescribing under fire photo
WASHINGTON (AP) — A bold federal effort to curb prescribing of painkillers may be faltering amid stiff resistance from drugmakers, industry-funded groups and, now, even other public health officials. The Centers for Disease Control and Prevention was on track to finalize new prescribing…
|Judge: No evidence of crimes in recordings of abortion group
SAN FRANCISCO (AP) — Recordings secretly made by an anti-abortion group at meetings of abortion providers do not show criminal activity and could put the providers at risk, a federal judge said Friday, citing the recent shooting at a Colorado Planned Parenthood clinic. U.S. District Judge…
|VA sets national policy for robotic legs for paralyzed vets
SAN DIEGO (AP) — Paralyzed Army veteran Gene Laureano cried when he first walked again with robotic legs at a New York clinic as part of research sponsored by the Department of Veterans Affairs. But when the study ended, so did his ability to walk. Now he may get the chance to walk everyday:…
|High schools listening to scientists, letting teens sleep photo
SEATTLE (AP) — More school districts around the U.S. are heeding the advice of scientists who have long said that expecting teens to show up to class before 8 a.m. isn’t good for their health or their report cards. The Seattle school board voted last month to adopt an 8:45 a.m. start time…
|Wearable heart device cleared for children with cardiac risk
WASHINGTON (AP) — Federal health officials have cleared a wearable heart-zapping device for children who are at risk of deadly irregular heartbeats. The LifeVest is intended for children who need round-the-clock heart monitoring but cannot receive an implantable device, due to health problems…
(No news on the weekends. Audio clips are only valid for a few days before being removed from our servers.)
NEW NEWS KICKERS…
Sunday night at the Miss Universe 2015 contest in Las Vegas, host Steve Harvey mistakenly declared Miss Colombia the winner when she was the first runner-up. Miss Philippines had actually won. ***In retaliation, Columbia has invaded the Philippines and we can now thank Steve Harvey for World War 3. (Keith Conrad) (AUDIO: Steve Harvey’s slip and his correction – edited for time.)
The new JJ Abrams “Star Wars” (reboot) has so far broken all box office records, bringing in nearly a quarter of a billion dollars over the weekend after racking up over $120-million on Friday and $57-million in Thursday night previews. *** My favorite part was when they used Tribble blood to grow back Luke’s severed hand. (AUDIO: Han Solo, “It’s true, all of it.”)
Over the weekend, Jeb Bush said Donald Trump “is a jerk.” *** Apparently Jeb thinks we need a president that’s good at stating the obvious. (AUDIO: Jeb Bush calls Trump a jerk.)
Shaquille O’Neal has sold the rights to his future business endeavors to Authentic Brands Group, which will manage O’Neal’s name in both the merchandise and endorsement world. Shaq will now be part of a company that has made its name by licensing the names of Marilyn Monroe, Elvis Presley, and Michael Jackson. *** Which can only mean Shaq will be dead soon.
More than a quarter of Americans have not cracked open a book—either print or digital—in the past year and the number is on the rise. The figure has risen to 28% in 2015 compared to 21% in 2011. However, the survey of nearly 2,000 people by Pew Research also found Americans overall are still fairly well-read, averaging 12 books per year, or a book per month. *** I’m certainly well-read. I’ve probably covered every drive-thru menu board in town at least three times.
NEWS KICKER EVERGREENS…
A surprising new study seems to indicate that driving while using a hands-free cell phone may not be any safer than driving with a typical hand-held phone! A comprehensive study on distracted driving has found there is no conclusive evidence that hands-free cell phone use while driving is any less risky than hand-held cell phone use. Also, there is no evidence that cell phone or texting bans have reduced crashes. The findings come after nine states have imposed bans on hand-held cell phone use while driving, and 34 states have imposed texting bans for drivers behind the wheel. Despite the findings, The Governors Highway Safety Association does not recommend that restrictions on cell phone use or texting be lifted in any of the states where they presently exist. ***MARLAR: Well, of course not. That’d be like looking at the books and realizing murders are on the increase – with your solution being to simply make murder legal. (Problem solved!)
Health experts are giving America’s senior citizens something serious to chew on — new numbers showing they need to eat better and exercise more. A report from the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention shows that one-third of Americans over 65 don’t take part in any physical activities in their free time. And researchers say that twice as many — two thirds of all seniors — don’t get enough fruits and vegetables each day. ***MARLAR: Heck, according to them, I’m a senior citizen!
Could a blind person drive a car? Researchers are trying to make that far-fetched notion a reality. The National Federation of the Blind and Virginia Tech plan to demonstrate a prototype vehicle next year equipped with technology that helps a blind person drive a car independently. ***MARLAR: In the meantime, the only driving allowed by the blind is in Chicago as cab drivers.
A new study claims one in four dogs is clinically depressed and show signs such as pacing, chasing their tail, howling and pooping. A group called Home Alone Dogs says the reason for all the downer dogs is that so many pooches are left at home during the day and miss their masters. ***MARLAR: What? So if dogs are NOT depressed that means they won’t poop? Well there’s a reason right there to keep your dog entertained.
CLICK HERE TO DOWNLOAD TODAY’S EPISODE… “Handcuff a One-Armed Man”
DAILY COMEDY CLIP
CLICK HERE TO DOWNLOAD TODAY’S EPISODE… Steve Geyer, “Driving Stats”
AS THE JUNGLE TURNS – WEEKDAY VERSION
CLICK HERE TO DOWNLOAD TUESDAY’S EPISODE
CHRISTMAS EPISODE – REPLAY!
OPEN: And now, FancyMonkey.com, (Show Name), and (Station Call Letters) bring you As the Jungle Turns! Last time, Marvy Snuffleson was sent to his room because he mouthed off to his father saying that he thought Christmas was all about getting gifts… not giving them. In his room, he popped the cork on his snow globe, the water gushed out, and now he’s floating on his mattress out on the high seas!
CLOSE: Tune in next time to find out what happens, As the Jungle Turns!
AS THE JUNGLE TURNS – SATURDAY/SUNDAY VERSION
CLICK HERE TO DOWNLOAD THE EPISODE FOR THE WEEKEND OF DECEMBER 26/27
OPEN: And now, FancyMonkey.com, (Show Name), and (Station Call Letters) bring you As the Jungle Turns! Last time, the jungle animals’ new king, Louis the little lion, decided he didn’t want to play badminton, build forts, or go swimming. And since he’s now the king, he can decide anything he likes… so he’s decided to pounce on dandelions. And since they’re following him, all the other animals are also pouncing…
CLOSE: Now what is Louis going to do? He’s the king – he has to decide something! Find out next time, As the Jungle Turns!
***You may simulcast “As the Jungle Turns” on the Internet stream of your live broadcast only. Any other Internet use of As the Jungle Turns in whole or part including podcasting of your live broadcast is a violation of copyright law. Thank you for your cooperation on this vitally important issue. If you have any questions, please e-mail us.
MOMENT OF DUH
Today’s Moment of Duh is from the “It’s Everyone’s Fault But Mine” files…
40-year-old Antoinette Millard of Buffalo, New York, has filed a lawsuit against American Express saying it’s their fault she went on a $950,000 shopping spree and she wants them to cancel her bill! The shopping binge took place in New York City’s priciest stores because after all, AmEx did imprudently issue her its prestigious Black Centurion Card. While buying all this expensive stuff Miss Millard pawned herself off as “Princess Antoinette” of a Saudi royal family and as a former Victoria’s Secret model. She says she suffers from “anorexia, depression, panic attacks and head tumors,” which made her such an impulsive, frenzied shopper that she just couldn’t stop spending. Somehow this is all American Express’ fault and she wants her outrageous debts taken off her card. ***MARLAR: Did you notice, as I did, that there was no mention of her RETURNING the stuff to the stores?
TOP TEN WORST CHRISTMAS MOVIES EVER MADE (From Fandango.com)
- “Christmas with the Kranks”
- “Surviving Christmas”
- “Deck the Halls”
- “Home Alone 3”
- “Ernest Saves Christmas”
- “Santa with Muscles”
- “Jack Frost”
- “Jingle All the Way”
- “Silent Night, Deadly Night”
- “Santa Claus Conquers the Martians.”…
***And they’re ALL being shown this week on ABC FAMILY!
TOP TEN MOST HATED CHRISTMAS GIFTS
Just in time for your last minute shopping trip, we’ve got some useful data. A new poll lists the world’s top three most hated Christmas gifts. Are you ready? Number three — socks! Number two — handkerchiefs! And the number one most hated Christmas gift of all time… drum roll please… cheap perfume! Here’s the top 10:
- Cheap perfume
- Packaged toiletries
- Christmas sweaters
- Power tools
- Executive stress toys
- Kitchen equipment
TOP TEN THINGS TO SAY IF YOU GOT ONE OF THE ABOVE GIFTS FOR CHRISTMAS
- “Hey! Now there’s a gift!”
- “Well, well, well…”
- “Boy, if I had not recently shot up 4 sizes, that would’ve fit.”
- “Perfect for wearing in the basement.”
- “Gosh, I hope this never catches fire! It is fire season though. Lots of unexplained fires…”
- “If the dog buries it, I’ll be furious!”
- “I love it but I fear the jealousy it will inspire.”
- “Sadly, tomorrow I enter the Federal Witness Protection Program.”
- “To think I got this the year I vowed to give all my gifts to charity.”
- “I really don’t deserve this.”
THE FILES OF LAW & DISORDER
Police say they are too busy to arrest a wanted man… even though he turned himself in to the police station!
FILE #1: A WANTED man, trying to give himself up at the police station, was turned away by the police because, are you ready for this? They turned him away because they said they were too busy to arrest him and they asked him to return an hour later! Too busy to arrest a WANTED man? He even made it easy for them by walking into the police station and turning himself in and they were still too busy to arrest a WANTED MAN?!? What’s even more odd, is that, exactly one hour later, the man did return and was arrested.
FILE #2: A shoplifter in Miami stole $900 worth of clothing. While trying to escape, she jumped into the first car she saw with a door open. Unfortunately for her it happened to be a police car with two officers inside.
FILE #3: Fredericksburg, Virginia, police have charged a man with smashing into two other vehicles, a stoplight, and a florist shop’s sign before ditching his car and jumping on a street sweeper in a vain attempt to escape from police.
STRANGE LAW: In Minnesota women may face up to 30 days in jail if they impersonate Santa Claus.
THIS IS YOUR BRAIN ON DRUGS
63-year-old Joel Crytzer was charged with marijuana possession in Butler, Pennsylvania, after officers spotted some dope on the floor of his car. It looks as if Joel is a bit of a dope as well, because the cops initially stopped him because he had been cruising down the road, seemingly oblivious of the fact that his car had only three tires.
“The Chipmunk Song” (audio clip). Either you love it, or you hate it. What novelty songs do you hear at this time of the year that really annoy you?
BIBLE BRAIN BUSTER!
QUESTION: What evil priest had Jeremiah beaten and placed in chains?
ANSWER: Passhur (Jeremiah 20:1)
QUESTION: What department store launched the story of Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer? (audio clip)
ANSWER: Montgomery Ward. Santa’s Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer sprang from a commercial endeavor in 1939. A Montgomery Ward employee wrote the original story as part of a promotional “giveaway” program. The song gained prominence in the late 1940s.
TRUE OR FALSE
Pay attention! If our next player doesn’t answer all ten T/F questions correctly we start all over from question #1! First person to answer question #10 correctly is our winner!
- Frosty the Snowman had coals for eyes and a corncob pipe for his nose. (False – his nose was a button.)
- The original title of the poem, “‘Twas The Night Before Christmas?” was actually, “A visit from Santa Claus.” (False – but close. The original title was “A Visit With Saint Nickolas,” written by Clement Clark Moore in 1822)
- The tradition of whacking down fir trees, bringing them inside and decorating them comes from the Eastern United States. (False – it comes from medieval Germany)
- The Mel Gibson film “Road Warrior” opened with the song “Jingle Bell Rock?” (False – that was “Lethal Weapon”)
- Myrrh is a form of cloth. (False – it’s a perfume, made from gum resin of trees in Eastern Africa, India and Arabia. It was also used as a preservative.)
- Frankincense is made from tree resin. (True)
- Every snowflake has the same number of sides. (True – each snowflake has six sides.)
- The name of the Grinch’s dog from “The Grinch Who Stole Christmas” is Aarfie. (False – it’s Max)
- The average kid spends only 37 seconds in Santa’s lap at the mall. (True – at least it’s true for Macy’s Department Store which decided to do the math on this.)
- In the movie “Die Hard” the terrorists interrupt an office New Year’s Eve party. (False – it’s a Christmas party)
TABLOID MATCH GAME
You have to match the blank in the tabloid headline with the word or phrase that has been removed!
THE _______ FLU SPREADS (MAN)
PALO ALTO – Researches have confirmed the “Man Flu” is spreading like wildfire and may soon become an epidemic.
The Bird Flu is no longer a threat to humans, but the new strand of “Man Flu” is spreading across America. It can be deadly.
According to the study, this particular stand of “Man Flu” can be lethal – but only to other men!
Researches found that women should not be worried about getting the Man Flu from their partners because women are far better at resisting the bug.
“Women have an immune system that is well-adapted to fighting off The Man Flu,” said Dr. John Blanton of the Stanford Medical Center.
Bottom line: men are weak and carry this dangerous flu bug; women are strong and can resist any “man flu” out there.
Australian researchers assisted the Stanford team in their research. The Australians found that female volunteers had a “much stronger immune response” to deadly virus than men.
BUT, the protection vanished after the menopause, suggesting it was regulated by female sex hormones. So, older women are susceptible to the Man Flu, but fewer older women encounter the deadly virus. Researchers are not sure why this is the case.
THE WAY TOO EARLY IN THE MORNING TO UNDERSTAND THE PUNCHLINE EVEN AFTER TWO CUPS OF COFFEE JOKE OF THE DAY
JOKE #1: ELF PICK-UP LINES
- “Just because I’ve got bells on my shoes, doesn’t mean I’m a sissy.”
- “I was once a lawn ornament for (ONE DIRECTION). Want to meet them?”
- “Hey, pretty lady, I can get you off the naughty list.”
- “No, no. I don’t bake cookies. You’re thinking of those guys over at Keebler.”
- “Hey… I’m down here!”
A man, fond of practical jokes, decided late one night to send his friend a collect telegram which read: “I am perfectly well.”
A week later, the joker received a heavy parcel…collect…on which he had to pay considerable charges. Upon opening it, he found a big block of concrete which had this message: ”This is the weight your telegram lifted from my mind.”
A boy, frustrated with all the rules he had to follow, asked his father, “Dad, how soon will I be old enough to do as I please?”
The father answered immediately, “I don’t know. Nobody has lived that long yet.”
A Belgian prosecutor recommended that the Church of Scientology be charged with fraud and extortion for allegedly using illegal business contracts, violating privacy laws and conducting illegal medical practices. ***MARLAR: And worst of all, being responsible for the movie “Battlefield Earth.”
A report links heavy TV watching as a child to later attention problems in teens. Results shows an increase in teens with ADD who watched a lot of television as children. ***MARLAR: Wait a minute . . . there are teens without A.D.D.?
SIGNS YOU’RE NOT GETTING A CHRISTMAS BONUS
- What you call “my new office,” everybody else calls “the supply closet.”
- When your boss came over for Thanksgiving, he was crushed under an avalanche of borrowed office supplies.
- In your most recent self-evaluation for your job, the boss returned it to you with red ink comments and a frowny face.
- On your door, you find a lovely wreath of pink slips.
IT MUST BE TRUE BECAUSE I HEARD IT ON THE RADIO!
Is it possible that a thief’s conscience would eventually make him return something that he stole 2 years ago?
Two Christmas’s ago, Lorraine Coughtry of Spencerville, Ontario had one of her favorite Christmas decorations – a wooden reindeer – stolen from her front porch. This week, it magically appeared in the very spot it sat when it was stolen. And, that’s not all that was there! Along with it came a note of apology from the thief. Ah, the Christmas spirit gets to everyone!
by Laurie Lee
Tonight the wind gnaws with teeth of glass
The jackdaw shivers in caged branches of iron
The stars have talons
There is hunger in the mouth of vole and badger
Silver agonies of breath in the nostril of the fox
Ice on the rabbit’s paw
Tonight has no moon, no food for the pilgrim
The fruit tree is bare, the rose bush a thorn
And the ground is bitter with stones
But the mole sleeps and the hedgehog lies curled in a womb of leaves
And the bean and the wheat seed hug their germs in the earth
And a stream moves under the ice
Tonight there is no moon
But a star opens like a trumpet over the dead
And tonight in a nest of ruins the blessed babe is laid
And the fir tree warms to a bloom of candles
And the child lights his lantern and stares at his tinsel toy
And our hearts and hearths smoulder with live ashes
In the blood of our grief the cold earth is suckled
In our agony the womb convulses its seed
And in the last cry of anguish
The child’s first breath is born
DRIVE TIME DEVOTIONAL
Nicolette was confused. Her only knowledge of Jesus Christ had come from Christmas carols she had heard. Now, the One she understood from lyrics only was being presented to her as the Messiah—the Prince of Peace.
The young Jewish woman was hearing this information from a believer in Christ who attended her school—the University of Toronto. The guy exuded a true understanding of God. Nicolette wanted to know God the way he seemed to know Him.
Looking back on her years prior to this pivotal conversation, Nicolette says, “I talked to God and prayed to Him, but I didn’t really know Him. I had invented my own version of God by picking and choosing characteristics I liked. I believed everyone was equally entitled to his or her own view. But I never asked God.”
Nicolette had been brought up to believe that one day Messiah would come to bring peace to her people, the Jews. The possibility of Jesus being the Savior of the world intrigued her.
After the discussion with her college friend, Nicolette searched the Bible for more information about Jesus. She also prayed and asked God for insight.
Verses like Isaiah 59:2 (which states that sin keeps people separated from God) and Isaiah 53:10 (which details Messiah being sacrificed for those sins) opened Nicolette’s heart to receive Christ as her Savior. She recognized that Jesus was the perfect fulfillment of the messianic prophecies. Through Jesus, her Savior, she finally knew God.
“Jesus has given me real life,” she says, “not just time on earth—but an eternal, living relationship with the living God of Israel. God is my strength and my love and my life, and I owe Him everything.”
Nicolette came to know God after asking Him to reveal Himself. By searching His Word and through the work of the Holy Spirit, she received Christ and came to know God in a personal way.
Do you know God? Do you want to know Him better? Ask Him to reveal Himself as you study the Bible. Pray for specific knowledge and understanding of who He is. He will take your confusion and make things clearer in time.
Just ask Him.
Santa’s eight reindeer might want to go on strike – they’re doing the work of more than 300,000 reindeer!
According to a study by American Greetings, if the average child gets two pounds of gifts this year, Santa’s sleigh will leave the North Pole carrying 51,000 tons of toys. And since the average reindeer can pull just 300 pounds, the number of deer necessary to operate the sleigh would be 339,333. Plus, since the typical reindeer is 5 feet long, that means Santa’s flight crew now stretches 848,332 feet in length (160 miles), if the deer fly two-by-two. ***MARLAR: Yeah, right… whatever. Next thing they’ll say is that the whole “Santa-thing” is just a big charade! What do mathematicians know?
LIFE… LIVE IT
ONE DAY CHRISTMAS SHOPPING
Here’s how to do all your Christmas shopping in one day.
- Make a list — Make a list of the gifts you need to buy and include a backup gift in case you can’t find what you’re looking for. There’s no law that says you have to give everyone a different gift.
- Shop online — Online merchants allow you to purchase a variety of products from the comfort of your home.
- Establish a budget — Assign a dollar amount to each gift and you might avoid overspending.
- Prepare an itinerary — Get organized and map out your targets. Also, call stores beforehand to confirm they have what you’re looking for.
- Select a day — The trick to getting all your shopping done in one day is picking the right day. Avoid shopping on the weekend — that’s when everybody goes. Shop on a weekday, as early in the week as possible to avoid traffic, lineups and parking fiascoes.
- Don’t spend more time than necessary in one store — If, after a brief survey of the premises, you can’t locate the coveted item, wave a salesperson over and ask them to get it for you.
- Read the fine print — To avoid nasty surprises upon gift giving, keep every receipt and ask each store about its return policy.
JUST FOR FUN
MALL PARKING: WHERE DO YOU RANK?
This is probably one of the worst weeks of the year for finding a parking space at the mall. The folks at Response Insurance say there are basically four types of drivers in the parking lot:
- The Search & Destroy type roams the aisles cruising endlessly for the perfect spot to open up. This stress-provoking method can also lead to conflict with fellow Search & Destroyers.
- Those who Lay & Wait position themselves at the end of an aisle waiting for a space to open up in what they start to see as their territory. This type runs the risk of turf battles with Search & Destroyers.
- Drivers who simply See It & Take It are often the most successful and least stressed out. They take the first spot they see in the lot, almost regardless of the distance to the store entrance. They will likely walk farther (and work off some of those holiday-pounds) and will often save time as well.
- But perhaps the most predatory are the Stalkers, who watch for shoppers leaving the store and slowly follow them back to their parking spot, like the shark in Jaws. This method is fraught with pitfalls since either a Search & Destroy or a Lay & Wait might be closer to the space when they get there. In addition, the shopper could either intentionally or not, walk down the wrong aisle looking for their car, leaving the Stalker out in the cold.
… When it comes to driver habits, interestingly enough they found that Stalkers are more likely to be women. On average, 12% of female drivers admit to trailing people in their cars, but just 5% of men do so.
[More notes about stalkers: Regionally, drivers in the south are most likely to stalk for parking (12%) vs. the mid-west, which nationally ranked lowest (6%). In addition, drivers in metropolitan areas are more prone to stalk (10%) vs. those in non-metro areas (7%), and the survey also indicated that single people were somewhat more likely to stalk for parking than those with children (12% vs. 9%).]
TOP FIVE WORST CHRISTMAS MOVIES NEVER MADE
- “Snakes on a Sleigh”
- “Superman Returns Christmas Presents”
- “Silent Talladega Night”
- “Freddy Kruger’s Miracle on Elm Street”
- “It’s a Wonderful Life Insurance and Why You Need It”
MORE SHOW PREP STUFF…
WRAPPING UP THE HOLIDAYS
It’s that time of year again, where we go through rolls and rolls of wrapping paper! How can you make nice presents without spending a fortune? Here are some ideas:
- Sunday Funnies: Use the Sunday funnies. Especially for kids, this is a great way to wrap presents. Take the Sunday funnies (because they’re color and more interesting) and use them to carefully wrap your gifts (so the receiver can read them again when the gift is unwrapped). If you know the receiver has a specific cartoon or cartoons that he/she really loves, be sure to put that one on the outside so he/she can see it.
- Old Greeting Cards: Cut out old greeting cards. Grab brown paper bags, butcher paper or plain brown wrapping paper. Wrap the gift first, and then, using glue and glitter, paste the pictures from the greeting cards all around the gift for a special personalized touch. This also works with pretty stickers.
- Rubber Stamps: Stamp it! You can get rolling stamps, which give you a full line of repeated characters or just single stamps. Again, start with brown paper bags, butcher paper, plain brown wrap or tissue paper. Stamp to your heart’s content and then wrap the gift.
- Draw It: This is a great activity for young children and makes a special “additional gift” for grandparents, godparents, close friends and more. Take plain white paper and let your little one draw or paint a picture on it.
OTHER STUFF I WANT TO CRAM INTO TODAY’S PREP
A homeless man in New Orleans whose Christmas tree was stolen — twice — is feeling the holiday spirit after members of the community replaced the tree. According to Fox News, It started with a simple Christmas tree underneath an Expressway in New Orleans. Philly, a homeless man, set up a Christmas tree by his blue tent underneath the expressway. Good Samaritans stepped up after they heard the tree had been trashed. Strangers started dropping off lights and gifts. Philly also said he was given nine new Christmas trees. Philly said Christmas is about “helping others,” so he plans to give the trees and gifts to other homeless people.
The Christmas Story was recently told in a new, different, and very cute way. The story is told by kids and acted out by adults. See the story from kids eyes. Watch the video…
Joni Tada recently used her blog to share the story behind Henry Wadsworth Longfellow’s poem “I Heard The Bells on Christmas Day”. The poem was written by Longfellow after the loss of his wife in a fire and a severe injury to his son during the civil war. The 57-year-old widowed father of six children heard the Christmas bells and the singing of “peace on earth” but it troubled him. But by the end of the song he realized that peace was still possible through God. Read the entire story…
What do your kids really want for Christmas? A study last year by IKEA found some interesting results. They brought in kids and first asked them to write a wish list for Santa. On the pages were the standard items like toys and games. But then the researchers asked the same kids what they would ask for in a second letter addressed to their parents and the results were totally different. The children had requests like: I want you to play cowboy with me, I want us to be together for one whole day, or I would like it if you would have dinner with us more often. Completely gone were the requests for toys or other things. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=EQ3ePGr8Q7k
AND I LEAVE YOU WITH THIS THOUGHT
If you think doing a show like this is easy, you’re mistaken. It takes a lot of creativity and energy to come up with all the necessary excuses after a show like this is over.
THE WAY WE WORK
(Updated as it comes available. The Way WE Work is written by Mark Elfstrand from 1160Hope.com in Chicago.)
What is the true meaning of Christmas? It must have a lot to do with Santa Claus. Let’s check the lyrics of some of our Christmas favorites! That will help us tell the story.
We begin with, “All I Want for Christmas is My Two Front Teeth.” This one gets us back to the basics. No need for all those toys and goodies from Santa. Just… two teeth. And why? So this sweet child can wish everyone a Merry Christmas. Oh…and he’ll be able to say, “Sister Susie sitting on a thistle!” Let’s all try that. Thank goodness for modest requests.
“Santa Baby,” the Santa song for adults, has been around since 1953! Eartha Kitt made it a hit. This girl really has her list working. A sable under the tree, a ’54 convertible, a yacht, and the deed to a platinum mine! Touching. And one can easily tell she’s been missing out on a lot of fun dates just trying to be good enough to get stuff. Wonder if St. Nicholas likes the term, Santa Baby? Well, maybe from Mrs. Claus.
In the classic, “Jolly Old St. Nicholas,” again we’re back to basics. “Johnny wants a pair of skates, Susie wants a sled. Nellie wants a picture book, yellow, blue and red.” The song’s conclusion leaves a mature thought: “Choose for me, dear Santa Claus, what you think is best.” This chap might be surprised by what St. Nick considered important.
My final Santa selection is the famous, “Santa Claus is Coming to Town.” This one deserves a close theological review. As we would learn here, Santa is BIG on performance.
We are told not to pout or cry with Santa coming to town. He’s got some kind of list that he apparently checks twice to determine if we’ve been naughty or nice. And since he’s aware of our sleeping habits and our secret lives, we’d better watch out! Kids who do behave will have a jubilee building some kind of toyland “all around the Christmas tree.” Pretty exciting stuff.
Apart from Santa songs, there is a plethora of other meaningless rhymes set to music that distracts us from the idea that a Savior for the world was once born. Of course, the Jesus of whom we are told never asked us to celebrate His birthday. We decided to do that.
And then along comes old St. Nick. Or more properly said, Saint Nicholas. William Bennett gave us a beautiful history of this legendary figure in his 2009 book, The True Saint Nicholas: Why He Matters to Christmas. The real figure was a Greek bishop. History says he lived from 270 to 346 AD. This is recommended reading for all.
A shorter course on the jolly soul can be found at a St. Nicholas center website. Here we learn what many hold to be true about why we consider him so “saintly.” Check this: “His wealthy parents, who raised him to be a devout Christian, died in an epidemic while Nicholas was still young. Obeying Jesus’s words to “sell what you own and give the money to the poor,” Nicholas used his whole inheritance to assist the needy, the sick, and the suffering. He dedicated his life to serving God and was made Bishop of Myra while still a young man. Bishop Nicholas became known throughout the land for his generosity to those in need, his love for children, and his concern for sailors and ships.” http://www.stnicholascenter.org/pages/who-is-st-nicholas/
Checking closely on these details of St.Nick’s life, we find no evidence of keeping lists. Or checking them twice. And I hope I don’t disappoint anyone by saying there also appears to be a lack of evidence that he owned reindeer. Or moved north from Greece or Turkey. I mean, why would you?
We are a performance driven people. We prefer to check off lists of things we believe we’ve done right. In Jesus’s time, a very rich young man approached Jesus and said, “Good Teacher, what shall I do to inherit eternal life?” And Jesus said to him, “You know the commandments, ‘Do not murder, Do not commit adultery, Do not steal, Do not bear false witness, Do not defraud, Honor your father and mother.’” (And that’s only a partial list of do-goods.)
So the rich guy says, “Teacher, I have kept all these things from my youth up.” Looking at him, Jesus felt a love for him and said to him, “One thing you lack: go and sell all you possess and give to the poor, and you will have treasure in heaven; and come, follow Me.” But at these words he was saddened, and he went away grieving, for he was one who owned much property.” (Mark 10:17-22)
Here’s the thing. St. Nicholas got it. The reason Santa can belly laugh in joy with “Ho, Ho, Ho!” is because the weight of materialism and sinless performance is gone. And that’s because of Jesus.
One of the greatest gifts we can give our children is teaching Godly contentment. (1 Timothy 6:6-10). Another is the gift of sharing. And most importantly, is to pass along the gift of good news that leads to eternal life.
What’s on your list to become right with God? There should only be one thing. It begins with “J.”
That’s The Way WE Work. Click on the link to the right to connect via Facebook.
Catch “Let’s Talk with Mark Elfstrand” weekday afternoons from 4-6pm on AM 1160 Hope for Your Life. To listen to the live broadcast or a podcast of previous shows click here.
THE TICKET Movie Reviews with MARIE ASNER
Marie Asner has been reviewing films for over 30 years. Her outlets include radio, print and Internet. For more in-depth movie reviews of the following films, visit www.Tollbooth.org. Ratings from 1 (Low) to 5 (High).
DECEMBER 18, 2015…
Star Wars: The Force Awakens—Fans have waited so long and it is here. Your favorites are in the film including Harrison Ford and Carrie Fisher, and new actors such as Adam Driver, Gwendoline Christie and Daisy Ridley. The storm troopers don’t always do what they are told (rebellion in the ranks?) and the bad guys are the First Order. It is war in the galaxy far, far away, so buckle on your light saber and away we go. “Star Wars: The Force Awakens” is rated PG 13. Rating of 4 for fans and that includes just about everyone. Enjoy.
Sisters—Amy Poehler and Tina Fey star as just that…two sisters…who don’t always get along. They decide they want to have the rowdiest party ever. I mean ever. Of course, this means the audience envies what they do because if you tried it, the police would be there. “Sisters” is rated R. No rating.
Son Of Saul (opening in select cities)—This is a film about the Holocaust and a man who works in a crematorium and still tries to honor the dead. Subtitles. Stars Gaza Rohrig and Levente Molnar. “Son Of Saul” is rated R. No rating.
DECEMBER 23-25, 2015…
Alvin and the Chipmunks: The Road Chip has the guys on the road again. Fans know who they are.
Concussion stars Will Smith as the pathologist who begins to study the effect of concussions in football.
Daddy’s Home comedy has Will Ferrell trying to be a good step-father while Mark Wahlberg is the trouble-making Dad.
Joy has Jennifer Lawrence taking on the role of the woman who invited the Miracle Mop.
Point Break is a remake of the classic crime film that starred Patrick Swayze. This time, Luke Bracey stars.
Snowden (opening in select cities) stars Joseph Gordon-Levitt as the person who passed secrets.
Macbeth (opening in select cities) has Michael Fassbender in the title role with Marion Cotillard as Lady Macbeth.
The Big Short has Ryan Gosling and Brad Pitt as guys who enjoy the betting game.
Youth (opening in select cities) is a beautifully photographed film about aging and stars Michael Caine and Harvey Keitel.
Legend (opening in select cities) is finally opening widely and stars Tom Hardy in two roles, as the Kray Brothers who ran organized crime in London in the 1960’s.
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Darren Marlar credits all non-original material to the author whenever possible. All other material is original, used with permission, or author unknown. We welcome all comments, questions, and suggestions. Darren can be reached via his website at www.DarrenMarlar.com.