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PRINTER FRIENDLY VERSION: 20151228
WELCOME TO THE SHOW!
(THE JOCK SHOW) will air in just a moment — and believe me, it could stand an airing.
New alarms I just set on my smart phone:
5:00AM – GET UP
5:05AM – GET UP, BRUSH TEETH IN SHOWER
5:15AM – GET UP, BRUSH TEETH, SKIP SHOWER
5:20AM – GET UP, SKIP SHOWER, SKIP BRUSHING OF TEETH
5:25AM – GET UP, DON’T BOTHER PEEING UNTIL YOU GET TO WORK
5:30AM – CALL IN SICK
BIBLE VERSE OF THE DAY
The Lord himself will give you a sign: The virgin will be with child and will give birth to a son, and will call him Immanuel. –Isaiah 7:14
“Today in the town of David a Savior has been born to you; he is Christ the Lord.” — Luke 2:11
HEARTLIGHT DAILY VERSE, PRAYER & THOUGHT
God sent his Son, born of a woman, born under law, to redeem those under law, that we might receive the full rights of sons. — Galatians 4:4-5
Thought: God sent his Son. No one else would do. He had sent prophets, priests, and preachers. Religion remained earthbound, legalistic, and doomed. So God sent what is most precious to him, his Son. Why? So measly human beings such as you and I could be adopted into his family and have the same rights as the Savior, God’s Son and our brother in the faith!
Prayer: Thank you, Holy God, for bringing me back into your family through your Son. Thank you for not treating me as my sins deserve. Thank you for not leaving me under Law, but redeeming me through your grace into a dynamic love relationship as your child. Thank you for your plan of redemption that wound its way through Old Testament history until the time came to fulfill all your promises. Thank you for sending your Son. In the name of the Lord Jesus Christ I thank you. Amen.
“BIRTHDAY VERSE” OF THE DAY
The chapter and verse corresponds to the month and the day!
Hebrews 12:28 NIV = Therefore, since we are receiving a kingdom that cannot be shaken, let us be thankful, and so worship God acceptably with reverence and awe,
TODAY IS MONDAY – DECEMBER 28, 2015
(NOTE: Some holidays may be duplicated due to various calendars reporting conflicting dates)
WEIRD, WACKY, STRANGE, ZANY, ODD, BIZARRE, QUIRKY, UNUSUAL HOLIDAYS!
THERE ARE ONLY 364 SHOPPING DAYS UNTIL CHRISTMAS.
Today is HOLY INNOCENTS DAY, commemorating the massacre of children in Bethlehem ordered by King Herod in an attempt to kill the child Jesus.
Today is RETURN A GIFT FOR COLD HARD CASH DAY. ***MARLAR: Gift cards and in-store credit don’t count – they have to give you cash back for your gift return… good luck with that!
Tonight is TAKE A DRIVE AND ENJOY THE CHRISTMAS LIGHTS DAY. ***MARLAR: You should see plenty as you try to return your gifts for cold hard cash.
Today is THROW AWAY YOUR SUBLIMINAL MOTIVATION TAPES DAY. ***MARLAR: Hmmm… so let’s conduct a little experiment. I’m saying, vocally, that you should throw away your subliminal motivation tapes. But in the music I’m playing in the background, I’ve inserted a subliminal message to tell you NOT to throw them away! So which will win? Hmmm…
Today is CHEWING GUM DAY, patented on this day back in 1869 by William Semple.
Some chewing gum facts:
- A recent study shows a simple stick of gum can often fight heartburn just as well as over the counter medicines. Researchers at England’s Kings College found that chewing gum half an hour after a meal can relieve symptoms of GERD (gastroesophageal reflux disease) — commonly known as indigestion. Chewing gum stimulates saliva, which neutralizes acid in the esophagas.
- According to a small study by Andrew Scholey of the University of Northumbria in England, people who chewed gum throughout tests for both long- and short-term memory scored better on both tests than people who did not chew gum. One theory suggests that the act of chewing ups the heart rate, which, in turn, improves oxygen delivery to the brain.
- New research suggests chewing gum may not only help a woman conceive but may make her pregnancy safer and more successful. The study found that the act of chewing makes a woman’s eggs more receptive to fertilization and helps balance hormones.
- Chewing gum could help you lose weight according to a study published in the New England Journal of Medicine. Researchers at the Mayo Clinic in Rochester, MI, have discovered that chewing gum raises your metabolic rate by about 20 percent, and an “all-day sugar-free gum chewer” burns off the equivalent of 11 pounds of extra weight per year. ***MARLAR: So don’t think I’m rude if you hear me smackin’ away while talking to you on the radio. I’m not being rude, I’m just doing my daily cardiovascular exercises.
TODAY IS ALSO. . .
Endangered Species Act Day
National Chocolate Day
Pledge Of Allegiance Day
COMING UP NEXT
TUESDAY, DECEMBER 29
Tick Tock Day
WEDNESDAY, DECEMBER 30
Falling Needles Day
THURSDAY, DECEMBER 31
Leap Second Time Adjustment Day
Make Up Your Mind Day
New Year’s Eve
New Year’s Dishonor List
No Interruptions Day
Universal Hour of Peace Day
World Peace Meditation Day
FRIDAY, JANUARY 01
Copyright Law Day
Ellis Island Day
New Year’s Day
New Year’s Dishonor List Day
Rose Bowl Game
Tournament of Roses Parade Day
SATURDAY, JANUARY 02
55-MPH Speed Limit Day
Fruitcake Toss Day
Happy Mew Year For Cats Day
SUNDAY, JANUARY 03
Drinking Straw Day
J.R.R. Tolkien Day
“Remember You Die” Day
National Chocolate Covered Cherry Day
MONDAY, JANUARY 04
Dimpled Chad Day
National Weigh-In Day
Pop Music Chart Day
“Thank God It’s Monday” Day
Tom Thumb Day
ON THIS DAY
1461: British King Edward the 4th’s coronation originally scheduled for this day was postponed because in medieval times the date was considered very unlucky.
1869: William F. Semple of Mount Vernon, Ohio, patented chewing gum. ***MARLAR: The next day it was discovered that you could double your pleasure and double your fun by sticking the gum under a restaurant table.
1902: Syracuse defeated Philadelphia 6-0 in the first professional indoor football game at New York’s Madison Square Garden.
1945: Congress officially recognized the patriotic “Pledge of Allegiance” to the U.S. flag.
1957: Hollywood’s Robert Wagner and Natalie Wood were married. She died in a boating accident in 1981.
1969: The City of Detroit declared the day “Temptations Day,” honoring the popular singing group.
1973: President Richard Nixon signed the Endangered Species Act into law.
1974: Los Angeles Laker center Elmore Smith shot three consecutive “air” balls in a 3-to-make-2 free throw situation, the only time it’s ever happened in pro basketball.
1975: Trailing 14-10 with only 32 seconds left and no time outs, from 50 yards out Roger Staubach hit Drew Pearson in a crowd at the goal-line to give Dallas the NFC title over Minnesota. In a post-game interview, Staubach said, “You throw it and pray he catches it. I guess its sort of a ‘Hail Mary’ pass.”
1999: Actor Clayton Moore, who rode to fame as television’s Lone Ranger, died in West Hills, California at age 85.
2003: A 38-year-old jewel thief who swallowed a $20,000 diamond ring in Clearwater, Florida, was forced by nature to give up the evidence. The woman was arrested after a surveillance tape showed her putting the 1.5 carot ring in her mouth at a jewelry store. An X-ray showed the ring inside the suspect.
TODAY IN CHRISTIAN HISTORY
HOLLYWOOD, SPORTS AND CELEBRITY FIGURE BIRTHDAYS
- actress (Nottingham, GI Joe: The Rise of Cobra, Stardust, Casanova) Sienna Miller 35
- actress (Independence Day) Lisa Jakub 37
- actor (Inside Man, Man on Fire, Fallen, The Preacher’s Wife) Denzel Washington 61
- actress (Minerva McGonagall in the Harry Potter movies, Mother Superior in the Sister Act movies) Maggie Smith 81
- actor (“Adam-12”, “Swiss Family Robinson”, “Route 66”) Martin Milner is 84 (
(Music Artist Birthdays From SongFacts.com)
1905 : Earl “Fatha” Hines
1910 : Billy Williams
1915 : Pops Staples (The Staple Singers)
1921 : Johnny Otis
1932 : Dorsey Burnette
1938 : Charles Neville (The Neville Brothers)
1943 : Bobby Comstock
1946 : Edgar Winter
1947 : Dick Diamonde (The Easybeats)
1948 : Ziggy Modeliste (The Meters)
1950 : Alex Chilton (The Box Tops)
1961 : Christine Collister
1978 : John Legend
SECRETS OF THE UNIVERSE
Who started the custom of men wearing tuxedos on formal occasions?
In 1886 black tie and tails had been the accepted formal wear for a century. But that year Pierre Lorillard commissioned a tailor to create something less stiff – preferably tail-less – for a big social occasion where he lived, in Tuxedo Park, New York. But by the big night his enthusiasm for the new suit had tailed off, and he chickened out. However, his son and his friends wore it, and they started a new fad that itself became the standard for formal wear. In the process, they immortalized the name of their hometown.
CHRISTIAN ARTIST NEWS
Do you like the Christian Artist News you see below? It’s just a tiny sample of the 5-6 pages of material you could be receive every weekday… and it’s FREE! Become one of their subscribers at ChristianRadioShowPrepServices.com!
Jason Gray shared this week that a fire extinguisher going off in the bus bay where the guitars are stored is not a good thing. Fortunately none of the guitars were damaged but the cases weren’t as fortunate. At least one case received some significant scarring.
Todd Smith titled a recent post: When bad notes happen to good people; when You Raise Me Up goes wrong! Selah was just finishing up an 11 city Christmas tour when Todd’s voice decided to quit a little early. Todd described it as: a duck colliding with a sheep and a Mack Truck at 80 miles an hour! But he was a good sport. In posting the video Todd added: I hope this video brings you many laughs, giggles, and cheer:) And the next time you fall flat on your face, just get right back up, laugh it off, and do it again!
Kutless member James Mead shared what he called the most hood compliment he’s ever gotten. He tweeted: KJ52 told me, “game recognize game.” James admitted: I didn’t know what he meant.
Worship singer and songwriter Chris Tomlin has had a remarkable year. Tomlin is Billboard’s year-end Top Male Christian Artist of 2015. He has toured extensively, selling out non-traditional venues for his genre, such as Madison Square Garden. However, Chris recently told Billboard: I just recently started reflecting on this past year. It’s been a gift to me to see the acceptance and response from my audience. I don’t take it for granted. I just try and stay true to my music and hope the end result is that people ultimately worship the Lord.
Selah member Amy Perry would appreciate prayer for her dad, Paul. He had hip replacement surgery earlier this week. She says he is doing great but they found an unexpected broken bone and had to wire it along the way.
Danny Gokey is out with a list of “What Christmas Means to Me”. Included was Being home with Family, The movie Elf, A decorated Christmas Tree, The true meaning of Christmas and several more. Check them out here:
Sidewalk Prophets Ben McDonald was making the most of his time at home over the holidays and it sounds like he wasn’t the only one. He posted: Thought I’d be in the only one in sweat pants getting my oil changed this morning… I was wrong. Comfort for the win.
The Afters Josh Havens this week shared his son’s unique Christmas wish. He posted a picture of his son on Santa’s lap and said: What does he want for Christmas? A back scratcher…that’s my boy
Life has been a juggling act for Jamie Grace and her family. Her mom is still in the hospital so the rest of the family has been stepping up. Her sister Morgan stayed with her mom while Jamie and her dad lead worship at the church her dad pastors. Then her brother in law preached. Jamie said: everything going on is quite complex and hard to explain and even understand but we’re fighters. we’re storytellers. and Jesus is still real. So real.
|New Jersey girl calls 911 after touching Elf on the Shelf
OLD BRIDGE, N.J. (AP) — A New Jersey girl called 911 after she touched her elf on the shelf. Police say 7-year-old Isabelle LaPeruta of Old Bridge was worried because, according to the popular children’s book, the magic of Christmas goes away if the elf is touched. HASH(0x1416060) However,…
|Rudolph’s shiny red nose may be tied to eyes that glow blue photo
CONCORD, N.H. (AP) — Everyone knows Rudolph has a red nose but what about his eyes? Prompted by questions from his 4-year-old daughter, Dartmouth College anthropology professor Nathaniel Dominy recently wrote a scholarly paper on how the unique properties of reindeer eyes might explain the…
|School says Hello Kitty Christmas tree can stay after all
BANGOR, Maine (AP) — A Maine high school has reversed its decision to prevent a math teacher from keeping a pink Hello Kitty Christmas tree in her classroom. Bangor High School officials had said Catherine Gordon had to remove the tree. The superintendent said the tree needed an educational…
|Police use dating app to catch man accused of phone theft
LAFAYETTE, La. (AP) — Police in Louisiana say officers used a dating app to arrest a man accused of stealing a phone at gunpoint. HASH(0x1416e50) Police say the owner of the stolen phone told authorities he was robbed at gunpoint by two men Monday night. Authorities say the victim was able to…
|Officer helps laboring mom make special pre-holiday delivery
CORINTH, Miss. (AP) — A Mississippi officer helped make a special pre-holiday delivery in a parking lot for a pregnant woman who couldn’t quite make it to the hospital. Sgt. Ken Walker of Corinth came to the aid of Karla White about 4 a.m. Monday. WTVA-TV reports (http://bit.ly/1NJDJgm) that…
|At lottery-fixing trial, prosecutor wants Bigfoot kept out photo
IOWA CITY, Iowa (AP) — Three friends involved in buying tickets and claiming jackpots that were allegedly fixed by a state lottery insider have something else unusual in common, prosecutors say: They hunt for Bigfoot in their spare time. In a legal motion that is as strange as the elusive…
|X-ray vision? New technology making it a reality for $300 photo
CAMBRIDGE, Mass. (AP) — X-ray vision, a comic book fantasy for decades, is becoming a reality in a lab at MIT. A group of researchers led by Massachusetts Institute of Technology professor Dina Katabi has developed software that uses variations in radio signals to recognize human silhouettes…
|Venomous sea snake washes onto Southern California shore photo
HUNTINGTON BEACH, Calif. (AP) — A dead yellow-bellied sea snake from southern Mexico has been discovered on Bolsa Chica beach, only the third one ever reported in California. Natural History Museum snake curator Greg Pauly says it’s only the seventh or eighth one ever seen north of Baja…
|Man with horns, obscene forehead tattoos arrested in Tulsa
TULSA, Okla. (AP) — An Oklahoma suspect accused of robbing another man at knifepoint has been arrested after the victim described his attacker’s distinctive facial tattoos, including a pair of horns and an anti-police obscenity. Tulsa police officer Leland Ashley says 27-year-old Paul Wayne…
|Man jailed after student threatened over “Star Wars” spoiler
HELENA, Mont. (AP) — A Montana man is charged with threatening to shoot a boy for sharing information about a subplot of the new “Star Wars” movie during an online conversation. Arthur Charles Roy, of Helena, was charged with felony assault with a weapon Monday during an appearance in Lewis…
|‘Star Wars’ fan in NY legally changes name to Darth Vader
CANANDAIGUA, N.Y. (AP) — Darth Vader is a tattooed 43-year-old former Marine who owns a gym and is raising funds online for a bone marrow transplant. HASH(0x1411b20) The former Eric Welch, of Canandaigua (kan-un-DAY’-gwuh), says he grew up in foster homes and didn’t have strong family ties to…
|New advice on who qualifies for cholesterol-lowering statins
WASHINGTON (AP) — Considering a cholesterol-lowering statin to prevent a heart attack? Deciding who’s a good candidate requires calculating more than a simple cholesterol level. A government task force says the popular medications will be of most benefit to some people ages 40 to 75 whose…
|Study: Some cardiac arrest victims ignore warning symptoms photo
WASHINGTON (AP) — Sudden cardiac arrest may not always be so sudden: New research suggests a lot of people may ignore potentially life-saving warning signs hours, days, even a few weeks before they collapse. Cardiac arrest claims about 350,000 U.S. lives a year. It’s not a heart attack, but…
|In budget deal, health law foes took a different path photo
WASHINGTON (AP) — Republican foes of President Barack Obama’s health care law may be able to get more by chipping away at it than trying to take the whole thing down at once. That’s one lesson of the budget deal passed by Congress and signed by the president last week. It delayed a widely…
|FDA eases restrictions on blood donations from gay men photo
WASHINGTON (AP) — The nation’s three-decade-old ban on blood donations from gay and bisexual men was formally lifted Monday, but major restrictions will continue to limit who can give blood. The Food and Drug Administration said it is replacing the lifetime ban with a new policy barring…
|New rules bringing kidneys to hardest-to-transplant patients photo
WASHINGTON (AP) — A shake-up of the nation’s kidney transplant system means more organs are getting to patients once thought nearly impossible to match, according to early tracking of the new rules. It’s been a year since the United Network for Organ Sharing changed rules for the transplant…
|Beijing’s 2nd smog red alert of the month goes into effect photo
BEIJING (AP) — Beijing was enveloped in eye-watering, throat-irritating smog on Saturday as the second red alert of the month went into effect in the Chinese capital, forcing many cars off the roads and restricting factory production. A wave of smog settled over the notoriously polluted city…
|San Francisco hospital suspends kidney donations after death
SAN FRANCISCO (AP) — One of the nation’s most prominent medical centers has voluntarily suspended its living donor program for kidney transplants after a living donor died last month. The donor had provided a kidney to a recipient at University of California San Francisco Medical center in…
|Flu season off to slower start this year; might be milder photo
NEW YORK (AP) — This year’s flu season seems like old times. There’s not much flu going around so far — unlike the last three seasons when doctors’ offices were filled with patients before Christmas and illnesses peaked by late December. “It really is off to sort of a slow start”…
|Report: Drug overdose deaths surged in 14 states last year
NEW YORK (AP) — Drug overdose deaths surged in 14 states last year, pushing the nation to a record count, according to a government report released Friday. Rates went up in Alabama, Georgia, Illinois, Indiana, Maine, Maryland, Massachusetts, Michigan, New Hampshire, New Mexico, North Dakota,…
|Report: More young adults signing up for Obama health law photo
WASHINGTON (AP) — Midway through sign-up season, more young adults are getting coverage through President Barack Obama’s health care law. The number of new customers is also trending higher, officials said Tuesday in an upbeat report. Outside analysts who reviewed the administration’s update…
|FDA proposes ban on indoor tanning for minors photo
WASHINGTON (AP) — Anyone under the age of 18 would be barred from using indoor tanning equipment, under a federal proposal to help reduce skin cancer linked to the devices. The Food and Drug Administration also wants to require tanning bed users to sign consent forms acknowledging the risks…
(No news on the weekends. Audio clips are only valid for a few days before being removed from our servers.)
NEW NEWS KICKERS…
A man accused of attempting to rob a Michigan pizzeria spent 11 hours stuck in the vent of the restaurant’s pizza oven. Authorities say the man attempted to gain entry to the pizzeria by removing a vent cap and crawling down. But he got stuck halfway between the roof and the floor. *** Right here – this is proof marijuana is bad for you, because obviously munchies cause you to take extreme risks.
Residents in the Siberian town of Barnaul are backing an 18-month cat named Barsik to become their new mayor. An unofficial poll finds that Barsik wins 91 percent of the votes against six human rivals. *** Which makes no sense. Sure, if you elect a human they may turn out to be evil… but with a cat, you KNOW they are evil!
Researchers in the Netherlands have revealed why Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer has a red nose. According to their study, there is a small group of reindeer native to the Arctic regions in Alaska, Canada, Greenland, Russia and Scandinavia that actually have a distinct red coloring in their noses. That’s because those reindeers have 25 percent more capillaries carrying red, oxygen-rich blood in their noses than humans. This dense network of blood vessels causes their noses to turn a certain shade of red. *** Which comes in handy on those foggy Christmas Eves when Santa needs his sleigh guided.
A Santa Claus in Portland, Oregon replaced his conventional costume with jeans, thick-rimmed glasses and a sweater. He also has a man bun and bikes around instead of using a sleigh and reindeer. The “Hipster Santa,” as he’s been dubbed, appeared at a shopping mall in downtown Portland this Christmas. ***He bikes around? I’d think a Santa like that would have a hoverboard.
NEWS KICKER EVERGREENS…
Should you believe all of those text messages you’re sent from your friends? Turns out a lot of them aren’t completely honest. There’s a good chance that about 11% of the text messages you send and receive are deceptive. This is according to researchers at Cornell University, who examined nearly 5,400 texts and found that 10.7% of them are used to tell people we’re some place we’re not, or that we “have to go” when we really just want to end a conversation. ***MARLAR: I’d give you the rest of the story, but I’m in Kenya and kinda busy right now.
A study discovered that up to 35% of us have had a text conversation while still sleeping. The conversation, which is mostly gibberish, starts when our phones start beeping or buzzing, prompting our brains to go into auto-pilot and return the text. It’s not always gibberish, though. The study found men usually text about food while women tend to get romantic. ***MARLAR: Or in my case, getting romantic about food.
A new study shows that only 10% of jobs created since 2009 are full-time. ***MARLAR: Which is the wrong way to look at it. They should say 90% of the jobs created since 2009 allow for lots of free time to pursue hobbies.
A Newcastle University professor said it’s “unnecessary” for kids to learn spelling and grammar because smartphones will handle it for them. ***MARLAR: Really? How about we try spelling your name wrong on your paycheck a couple of times. THEN how important is spelling?
CLICK HERE TO DOWNLOAD TODAY’S EPISODE… “Round Pizza, Square Box”
DAILY COMEDY CLIP
CLICK HERE TO DOWNLOAD TODAY’S EPISODE… Brad Stine, “Holidays”
AS THE JUNGLE TURNS – WEEKDAY VERSION
CLICK HERE TO DOWNLOAD MONDAY’S EPISODE
CHRISTMAS EPISODE – REPLAY!
OPEN: And now, FancyMonkey.com, (Show Name), and (Station Call Letters) bring you As the Jungle Turns! When last we left the jungle island of Razzleflabbin, Marvy Snuffleson was confused about some Christmas gift-giving. Olaf sold his race track to buy Karl some bicycle tires. But Karl sold his bicycle in order to purchase racing cars for Olaf! Yet, they’re both happy…
CLOSE: From all of us at (Station Call Letters), (Show Name), and from everyone at FancyMonkey.com – have a very Merry Christmas!
AS THE JUNGLE TURNS – SATURDAY/SUNDAY VERSION
CLICK HERE TO DOWNLOAD THE EPISODE FOR THE WEEKEND OF JANUARY 02/03
OPEN: And now, FancyMonkey.com, (Show Name), and (Station Call Letters) bring you As the Jungle Turns!
When last we left the jungle, Louis the lion, a very young lion, was thrust into the position of royalty. And now that the animals have Louis as king of the jungle, they’ve stopped making decisions for themselves about what to do. Even normal day-to-day activities like fort building, swimming, playing badminton…
CLOSE: Will the little lion king ever learn to make decisions? Tune in again next to, for As the Jungle Turns!
***You may simulcast “As the Jungle Turns” on the Internet stream of your live broadcast only. Any other Internet use of As the Jungle Turns in whole or part including podcasting of your live broadcast is a violation of copyright law. Thank you for your cooperation on this vitally important issue. If you have any questions, please e-mail us.
MOMENT OF DUH
The Christmas spirit didn’t make it around to everyone.
In the St. Louis area, close to 200 teenagers went wild at the St. Clair movie theater on Christmas Day. Apparently it all started between two girls who were fighting over the same boy. Two hundred people had joined in the brawl before police finally broke it up.
INTERESTING SIDE NOTE: We recently had a story about something new called MOVIE RAGE! According to a poll of emergency rooms, more and more patients are going to the theater to see the latest flick and departing in an ambulance. “Movie Rage makes Road Rage look like child’s play,” says Dr. Jorge Gonzalez, an ER physician at Our Lady of Angles in The Outfield in San Diego. “Last Saturday night I patched up a woman who was viciously stabbed with a nail file. She kept answering her cell phone during the movie. The lady sitting next to her went berserk.” The survey showed the behaviors most likely to result in assault are:
- Crunching popcorn
- Repeatedly sucking the last two dribbles of soda from a straw
- Answering a cell phone
- Rattling a plastic bag of candy
- Tipping boxes of Raisinettes or SnoCaps so the contents slide back and forth
- Blurting out the ending of the movie
- Kicking the back of the person’s seat in front of you
TOP TEN REASONS TO ASK YOUR BOSS FOR A RAISE
- You take your paycheck to the bank, and the teller bursts out in hysterical laughter.
- The Red Cross calls and offers you emergency assistance.
- Your only charge cards are for the Salvation Army, ARC, and DAV thrift stores.
- You work full time and you still qualify for food stamps.
- You empty out your piggy bank and then cook the bank and serve it for your Easter ham.
- All you can think about morning, noon and night is clipping grocery coupons.
- You file your income taxes and the IRS returns them stamped, “Charity Case — Return To Sender.”
- You set the world record for mailing $1.00 rebate requests to Young America, Minnesota.
- You pay all your bills, put your remaining $1 bill into your billfold and it goes into shock.
- You get arrested for taking the coins out of the fountain in the mall.
THE FILES OF LAW & DISORDER
So you think you win the lottery and you’re set for life, eh?
FILE #1: …Not so it seems for one 49-year-old lottery winner from Germany. Although winning just under a million bucks a few years ago, he blew it all, and when the money ran out he turned to crime to finance his now luxurious lifestyle. Police believe he’s responsible for dozens of burglaries and caught him red-handed during the latest break-in and found the equivalent of about $12,000 in cash, along with mobile telephones, jewelry and watches on him. The cops believe the guy was behind at least 77 burglaries and he has admitted to at least some of the charges, which date back to October 2003.
FILE #2: A round-up of the year’s dumbest calls to British police emergency lines was topped by a woman who called for an ambulance after she broke a fingernail in a nightclub.
FILE #3: 42-year-old David Allen Rodgers was arrested for driving a Christmas float while intoxicated during Anderson, South Carolina’s annual holiday parade. According to reports, he ran a red light then led police on a three-mile chase with 19 passengers on board.
STRANGE LAW: In New York, a fine of $25 can be levied for flirting. This old law specifically prohibits men from turning around on any city street and looking “at a woman in that way.” A second conviction for a crime of this magnitude calls for the violating male to be forced to wear a “pair of horse-blinders” wherever and whenever he goes outside for a stroll.
THIS IS YOUR BRAIN ON DRUGS
Some criminals use disguises, others just shave and hope not to be identified.
Police in Somerset County, Pennsylvania stopped 50-year-old Robert Sadlon for a broken taillight. However before they could talk to him or identify him, Robert fled the scene on foot. He apparently ran straight home, shaved his mustache and changed his clothes, and then called in and reported the truck he was driving as stolen. So the same officer that stopped him then went to Robert’s home to investigate the reported theft. There, he found a just-shaven Robert in different clothes. But the not-so-clever disguise didn’t really fool anybody and he was arrested for drunken driving, escape and related charges.
What’s the smallest amount you’ve ever put on a credit card? What was it for?
BIBLE BRAIN BUSTER!
QUESTION: In what city was the tabernacle set up?
ANSWER: Shiloh (Joshua 18:1)
How quickly does human hair grow?
Hair grows about 1/72nd of an inch per day, or about 1/2-inch per month. Age affects the growth of hair–the fastest growth is between ages 15 and 30, with a sharp decline between ages 50 and 60.
TRUE OR FALSE
Pay attention! If our next player doesn’t answer all ten T/F questions correctly we start all over from question #1! First person to answer question #10 correctly is our winner!
- Texas produces more wool than any other state in the country. (True)
- Your hair is as strong a aluminum (True)
- You take almost 8 billion breaths in just one year. (False… it’s closer to about 7.8 million)
- Your skin makes up about 16 percent of your total body weight. (True… and I’m only as heavy as I am because I have too much skin – right?)
- If the sun stopped shining suddenly, it would take 22 minutes for Earth to be in the dark. (False… it would take eight minutes)
- The only country in the Middle East that does not have a desert is Iran. (False… it’s Lebanon)
- If you toss a penny 10,000 times, it will be heads 5,000 times. (False… more like 4950. The heads picture weighs more, so it ends up on the bottom.)
- Only one person in two billion will live to be 116 or older. (True)
- Peter Rabbit’s three siblings were Flopsy, Mopsy and Cottontail. (True)
- St. Charles Place belongs to the Bright Red color on a standard U.S. Monopoly board. (False… it’s light purple)
TABLOID MATCH GAME
You have to match the blank in the tabloid headline with the word or phrase that has been removed!
DOG MAYOR FACES ______ FOR CORRUPTION CHARGES (POUND)
In the small town of Chatsworth, Ill., one public official is facing big problems. Bulldog Gus Bonesly, who took mayoral office after what was supposed to be a joke candidacy, has come under fire for unsavory tactics in his leadership of the town. Embezzlement, voter intimidation, drug peddling — these kinds of charges have been seen in local government before, but never at the hands (or paws) of a canine mayor.
“It’s unprecedented,” said one member of Chatsworth City Council, who asked to not be named. “This guy has just lifted his leg and soiled all over the law. He may get the pound for this.”
Opponents said they began to question the Bonesly’s integrity after an alleged assault that took place during a private office meeting. Bonesly and a staffer were playing a game of political — and reportedly, literal — tug-of-war in the office when the animal snapped at the other’s hand. Since then, officials have supposedly been trying to come up as many charges as possible since the young mayor can literally not defend himself.
“It’s pathetic,” says Dollie Burdette, former owner of Bonesly before he took office. “He’s always been the sweetest boy. I think his opponents are just sore after losing to him. He can not respond to these charges — he can’t speak. Most of us think he’s brought the town together, if anything. Tell you what, it’s going to come back to bite his opponents.”
If convicted, Bonesly will most certainly be sent to a local shelter for his actions, though lawmakers have assured the public that this would be a “no-kill” shelter.
THE WAY TOO EARLY IN THE MORNING TO UNDERSTAND THE PUNCHLINE EVEN AFTER TWO CUPS OF COFFEE JOKE OF THE DAY
A man goes to a restaurant, orders some takeout, and sits down to wait for his food.
While he waits, he grabs a handful of peanuts from the bowl on the counter, and as he starts to chew, he hears a voice say, “That’s a beautiful tie, is that silk? Very NICE choice!”
Wondering who made the comment, he looks around and doesn’t see anyone nearby who could be speaking to him. With a shrug, he pops a few more peanuts into his mouth.
Next he hears the voice say, “Those shoes are stylin’, my man. Are they Italian leather? They look GRRREAT!”
He whirls around again but sees no one near him. He glances nervously around and then at his shoes, which he tucks self-consciously under the stool.
A little freaked out, he grabs another handful of peanuts. This time the voice continues with, “That suit looks FANTASTIC! Is it an Armani? Very nice!”
He immediately calls the waiter over and says, “Look. I keep hearing these voices telling me how great my tie, my shoes, and my suit look – what’s up with that? Am I GOING CRAZY??”
“Oh,” the waiter nonchalantly replies. “It’s just the peanuts.”
“The PEANUTS?!?” the astonished man asks, staring at the bowl beside him.
“Yes,” replies the waiter, “They’re complimentary.”
Bidding at a local auction was proceeding furiously when the auctioneer suddenly announced, “A gentleman in this room has lost a wallet containing $10,000. If it is returned, he will pay a reward of $2,000.”
There was a moment’s silence, and then from the back of the room came the cry, “Two thousand five hundred!”
Tommy attended church for the first time with his buddy, Jimmy. As the pastor got up to preach, he took off his watch and laid it on the pulpit.
Tommy asked in a whisper, “What does that mean?”
Jimmy replied, “Unfortunately, nothing!”
A German thief was arrested after he stole an in-car navigation system, sold it on an Internet auction site, and the buyer turned out to be his victim who turned him in. ***MARLAR: Boy, you can’t trust ANYBODY you meet on the Internet.
An eighty-nine-year-old great-grandfather will graduate with an honors degree in Sociology from the University of Wolverhampton in England. ***MARLAR: And seeing as he’s lived through most of it, he’s being awarded an honorary degree in History as well.
SIGNS THAT IT IS FOOTBALL SEASON
- After you say “Pass the potatoes” someone actually does
- When someone says “the Giants,” you think New York instead of San Francisco
- You arrive at work an hour early every day so you can tailgate first
- You make all major decisions with a coin toss
IT MUST BE TRUE BECAUSE I HEARD IT ON THE RADIO!
If your car is stolen, and then you see it on the street one day what would you do? You’d call the police, right? One woman wishes she’d never called the police.
If you steal a car back from the people who stole it from you in the first place, is it still considered stealing? You be the judge after hearing this story. A woman recently stumbled across her stolen car parked on the street, which still had her belongings in it and her tax documents, but which had the steering wheel lock changed. She figured this was a clear opportunity for the police to catch the thieves and she would get her car back. But she was stunned when she called the police to let them know that they had an opportunity to catch the thieves. You won’t believe what they told her. They told her that they were too busy and suggested that SHE STEAL BACK THE CAR HERSELF! The POLICE are telling her to do this! They suggested she hacksaw off the new steering lock and drive the car home. Which, in the end, she had no other choice but to do because the police refused to show up! After she stole her car back, the police did take the plates for fingerprinting (the plates were changed). They said they couldn’t stake out the car because they don’t have the resources, there would be no guarantee the person approaching the car is the one who stole it (what, do police no longer question anyone anymore? Are investigations no longer allowed?), and “we would also be in danger of having to start a pursuit, which we always try to avoid.” Apparently, among other things they try to avoid…. like their jobs.
LINCOLN AND STANTON’S HARSH LETTER
When the darkest clouds of the Civil War were hovering over the capital, many things done by the generals were not approved by either Lincoln or Secretary Stanton. Lincoln would take a long time to ponder over those situations, but Stanton would, at times, lose his temper and explode.
One day Stanton came to see Lincoln about the doings of a certain general. Listening quietly, Lincoln let Stanton show his anger, and when the latter exclaimed, “I would like to write him a letter and tell him what I think of him!” Lincoln remarked quietly, “Well, why not do so? Sit down and write him a letter, saying all you have said to me.”
Stanton was surprised for he thought that President Lincoln would object to this. He declared that he would take the President at his word.
Two days later he brought Lincoln the letter he had written, and read it to him. When Stanton had finished, Lincoln smiled and remarked, “That is all right. You have said all you told me you would. Now, what are you going to do with this letter?”
“Why, I am going to give it to him, of course.”
“I wouldn’t,” replied the President quietly. “Throw it in the wastebasket.”
“What, after spending two days on it,” exclaimed Stanton.
“Yes. It took you two days to write it, and it did you a lot of good. You feel a great deal better now, and that is all that is necessary.”
The letter went to the wastebasket, and Stanton learned an important lesson.
DRIVE TIME DEVOTIONAL
ALL THE PROTECTION YOU NEED
Read: Psalm 25
May integrity and uprightness protect me. –Psalm 25:21
Are you ever scared? Really scared? I’m pretty careful about where I go, but I’ve been in some scary situations. While in Israel, some friends and I decided to walk through a section of the old city of Jerusalem where Christians are not welcome. That was a bit disconcerting. It was a no-way-out situation, and there were a lot of people around with guns.
While in Washington, DC, to cover an athletic event, I took a pretty long and spooky walk back through the city streets to my hotel at night.
And there was the time the car our family was in almost slid off the side of a Colorado mountain. My kids never let me forget that one.
Of course, there are millions of other ways to be scared. Scared of a professor who seems to live to flunk students. Scared of an assignment that you simply don’t know if you can do. Scared of not getting a date. Scared of getting a date. Scared of not having enough money. Scared of the future. Scared of driving your car home because the radiator is overheating.
Although Psalm 25 can’t help you with the details of the things that make you tremble, it does promise a lot of protection. It offers protection from:
And how does the protection come? Some of it comes from the way we respond to God: We must fear Him (v.14), focus on Him (v.15), cry out to Him (vv.16-20), practice integrity and uprightness (v.21), and hope in God (v.22).
Read through Psalm 25 again (or for the first time). See how God protects and cares for you. Then remember it the next time you’re scared. Really scared. –DB
A California teacher’s attempt to come up with an assignment that related to an Edgar Allan Poe story got him fired.
…Andrew Phillips, an English teacher at Covina High School, assigned his students to devise an assassination plan and explanation of how they would get away with it. Phillips instructed students to write the assignment as a journal entry in conjunction with the reading of Edgar Allan Poe’s short story “The Pit and the Pendulum.” He told them to choose someone to kill, give reasons why and detail how to keep it secret. According to his students, the only requirement was that the person to be assassinated could not be anyone at Covina High School. Students who didn’t want to do the assignment were offered an alternative assignment: describe eight to 10 motives for killing another human being. ***MARLAR: Motive #1 – being given inappropriate homework assignments.
LIFE… LIVE IT
Want to rid your feet of scaly, dry patches? Catch yourself a carp.
A salon in Virginia is offering fish pedicures, where clients’ feet are submerged in tubs containing “doctor fish.” The treatment replaces razors, which have been deemed “unsanitary.” Clients report the procedure is ticklish. It is followed by a typical pedicure, which is reportedly easier because the skin is softened by the fish.
JUST FOR FUN
If you have a loved one who loves football, you might want to watch them closely with all the college bowl games and the NFL playoff games in the next week or so.
A new study has found that deaths from heart attacks jumped a whopping 50% during a Dutch football match in 1996 when the Netherlands lost to France and were shut out of the European championship. The researchers attribute the deaths to the increase in stress the men may have experienced. Scientists at the University Medical Center Utrecht in the Netherlands evaluated the number of deaths that occurred on the day of the fateful football match and compared it with the figures recorded 5 days before and after the match and in the same period in 1995 and 1997. In men, (death from heart attack) or stroke was significantly increased on the day of the football match compared with the 5 days on either side. ***MARLAR: I understand. I get chest pains every time I watch (LOCAL TEAM) play. My stomach turns sour too.
NEW HIGH SCHOOL EXIT EXAM (four correct answers required in order to pass this test)
1) How long did the Hundred Years’ War last?
2) Which country makes Panama hats?
3) From which animal do we get cat gut?
4) In which month do Russians celebrate the October Revolution?
5) What is a camel’s hair brush made of?
6) The Canary Islands in the Pacific are named after what animal?
7) What was King George VI’s first name?
8) What color is a purple finch?
9) Where are Chinese gooseberries from?
10) What is the color of the black box in a commercial airplane?
Remember, you need 4 correct answers to pass. Check your answers below .
ANSWERS TO THE QUIZ
1) How long did the Hundred Years War last? 116 years
2) Which country makes Panama hats? Ecuador
3) From which animal do we get cat gut? Sheep and Horses
4) In which month do Russians celebrate the October Revolution? November
5) What is a camel’s hair brush made of? Squirrel fur
6) The Canary Islands in the Pacific are named after what animal? Dogs
7) What was King George VI’s first name? Albert
8) What color is a purple finch? Crimson
9) Where are Chinese gooseberries from? New Zealand
10) What is the color of the black box in a commercial airplane? Orange
MORE SHOW PREP STUFF…
Who knew that bowling is bad for your health?
The Health and Safety Commission of Great Britain have spent — or should we say wasted– $500,000 on a two-year study that has determined that bowling alleys are “a very dangerous environment for families.” Yup, the so-called safety experts concluded that it was too easy for children or teenagers to run down lanes and get trapped in machinery that sets up the pins– even though there has not been even one reported case of this ever happening. John Ashbridge, of The Ten-Pin Bowling Proprietors Association, said he had watched HSE inspectors examining a bowling alley and found their attempts to detect possible dangers “hilarious.” The bizarre Health and Safety Executive report also said that bowlers would be at risk if they walked along the 60-foot lanes to knock over pins by hand — even though there has not been even one reported case of this ever happening. The commission considered ordering every bowling alley in England to put barriers across the lanes but they were forced to admit defeat after realizing that bowlers must be able to see what they are aiming at. (Daily Mail)
OTHER STUFF I WANT TO CRAM INTO TODAY’S PREP
How much of your life is centered around your wifi connection? Do you even have a life outside of the Internet. Relevant magazine is out with a video spoof that hits a little to close to home in our smart phone/tablet generation. Watch the video by clicking on the link at christianartistnews.info. Or better yet, just put down you wifi device and go outside for a little fresh air.
One of the first ever books focused solely on the women in the Bible is now available. According to a report in the Christian Post, the book focuses on the approximately 15-thousand worlds spoken by women in the Bible and their context. It’s authored by the Rev. Lindsay Hardin Freeman, a former pastor at Trinity Episcopal Church in Excelsior, Minnesota, and is titled Bible Women: All Their Words and Why They Matter.
The Christmas tree experienced a burst of popularity in 1848, when Britain’s Queen Victoria and Prince Albert decorated a tree as part of their holiday celebrations at Windsor Castle. Since then, the Christmas tree has become a common sight in homes and city centers around the world, serving as cheery and bright reminders that the life can flourish — even during the cold, dark nights of winter. Now Huffington Post is out with pictures of some of the most creative Christmas trees of 2015 from here in the USA and around the world.
Church on the Move’s The Grinch Stole Thriller; keep watching, it gets fun at the 4:30 mark!
This version of “A Christmas Carol” has more warm feelings for me than any other, because I was involved in creating it.
AND I LEAVE YOU WITH THIS THOUGHT
You can feel a real letdown after Christmas—especially when all you have to look forward to is keeping your New Year’s resolutions. And we all know how well that goes every year!
THE WAY WE WORK
(Updated as it comes available. The Way WE Work is written by Mark Elfstrand from 1160Hope.com in Chicago.)
What is the true meaning of Christmas? It must have a lot to do with Santa Claus. Let’s check the lyrics of some of our Christmas favorites! That will help us tell the story.
We begin with, “All I Want for Christmas is My Two Front Teeth.” This one gets us back to the basics. No need for all those toys and goodies from Santa. Just… two teeth. And why? So this sweet child can wish everyone a Merry Christmas. Oh…and he’ll be able to say, “Sister Susie sitting on a thistle!” Let’s all try that. Thank goodness for modest requests.
“Santa Baby,” the Santa song for adults, has been around since 1953! Eartha Kitt made it a hit. This girl really has her list working. A sable under the tree, a ’54 convertible, a yacht, and the deed to a platinum mine! Touching. And one can easily tell she’s been missing out on a lot of fun dates just trying to be good enough to get stuff. Wonder if St. Nicholas likes the term, Santa Baby? Well, maybe from Mrs. Claus.
In the classic, “Jolly Old St. Nicholas,” again we’re back to basics. “Johnny wants a pair of skates, Susie wants a sled. Nellie wants a picture book, yellow, blue and red.” The song’s conclusion leaves a mature thought: “Choose for me, dear Santa Claus, what you think is best.” This chap might be surprised by what St. Nick considered important.
My final Santa selection is the famous, “Santa Claus is Coming to Town.” This one deserves a close theological review. As we would learn here, Santa is BIG on performance.
We are told not to pout or cry with Santa coming to town. He’s got some kind of list that he apparently checks twice to determine if we’ve been naughty or nice. And since he’s aware of our sleeping habits and our secret lives, we’d better watch out! Kids who do behave will have a jubilee building some kind of toyland “all around the Christmas tree.” Pretty exciting stuff.
Apart from Santa songs, there is a plethora of other meaningless rhymes set to music that distracts us from the idea that a Savior for the world was once born. Of course, the Jesus of whom we are told never asked us to celebrate His birthday. We decided to do that.
And then along comes old St. Nick. Or more properly said, Saint Nicholas. William Bennett gave us a beautiful history of this legendary figure in his 2009 book, The True Saint Nicholas: Why He Matters to Christmas. The real figure was a Greek bishop. History says he lived from 270 to 346 AD. This is recommended reading for all.
A shorter course on the jolly soul can be found at a St. Nicholas center website. Here we learn what many hold to be true about why we consider him so “saintly.” Check this: “His wealthy parents, who raised him to be a devout Christian, died in an epidemic while Nicholas was still young. Obeying Jesus’s words to “sell what you own and give the money to the poor,” Nicholas used his whole inheritance to assist the needy, the sick, and the suffering. He dedicated his life to serving God and was made Bishop of Myra while still a young man. Bishop Nicholas became known throughout the land for his generosity to those in need, his love for children, and his concern for sailors and ships.” http://www.stnicholascenter.org/pages/who-is-st-nicholas/
Checking closely on these details of St.Nick’s life, we find no evidence of keeping lists. Or checking them twice. And I hope I don’t disappoint anyone by saying there also appears to be a lack of evidence that he owned reindeer. Or moved north from Greece or Turkey. I mean, why would you?
We are a performance driven people. We prefer to check off lists of things we believe we’ve done right. In Jesus’s time, a very rich young man approached Jesus and said, “Good Teacher, what shall I do to inherit eternal life?” And Jesus said to him, “You know the commandments, ‘Do not murder, Do not commit adultery, Do not steal, Do not bear false witness, Do not defraud, Honor your father and mother.’” (And that’s only a partial list of do-goods.)
So the rich guy says, “Teacher, I have kept all these things from my youth up.” Looking at him, Jesus felt a love for him and said to him, “One thing you lack: go and sell all you possess and give to the poor, and you will have treasure in heaven; and come, follow Me.” But at these words he was saddened, and he went away grieving, for he was one who owned much property.” (Mark 10:17-22)
Here’s the thing. St. Nicholas got it. The reason Santa can belly laugh in joy with “Ho, Ho, Ho!” is because the weight of materialism and sinless performance is gone. And that’s because of Jesus.
One of the greatest gifts we can give our children is teaching Godly contentment. (1 Timothy 6:6-10). Another is the gift of sharing. And most importantly, is to pass along the gift of good news that leads to eternal life.
What’s on your list to become right with God? There should only be one thing. It begins with “J.”
That’s The Way WE Work. Click on the link to the right to connect via Facebook.
Catch “Let’s Talk with Mark Elfstrand” weekday afternoons from 4-6pm on AM 1160 Hope for Your Life. To listen to the live broadcast or a podcast of previous shows click here.
THE TICKET Movie Reviews with MARIE ASNER
Marie Asner has been reviewing films for over 30 years. Her outlets include radio, print and Internet. For more in-depth movie reviews of the following films, visit www.Tollbooth.org. Ratings from 1 (Low) to 5 (High).
DECEMBER 18, 2015…
Star Wars: The Force Awakens—Fans have waited so long and it is here. Your favorites are in the film including Harrison Ford and Carrie Fisher, and new actors such as Adam Driver, Gwendoline Christie and Daisy Ridley. The storm troopers don’t always do what they are told (rebellion in the ranks?) and the bad guys are the First Order. It is war in the galaxy far, far away, so buckle on your light saber and away we go. “Star Wars: The Force Awakens” is rated PG 13. Rating of 4 for fans and that includes just about everyone. Enjoy.
Sisters—Amy Poehler and Tina Fey star as just that…two sisters…who don’t always get along. They decide they want to have the rowdiest party ever. I mean ever. Of course, this means the audience envies what they do because if you tried it, the police would be there. “Sisters” is rated R. No rating.
Son Of Saul (opening in select cities)—This is a film about the Holocaust and a man who works in a crematorium and still tries to honor the dead. Subtitles. Stars Gaza Rohrig and Levente Molnar. “Son Of Saul” is rated R. No rating.
DECEMBER 23-25, 2015…
Alvin and the Chipmunks: The Road Chip has the guys on the road again. Fans know who they are.
Concussion stars Will Smith as the pathologist who begins to study the effect of concussions in football.
Daddy’s Home comedy has Will Ferrell trying to be a good step-father while Mark Wahlberg is the trouble-making Dad.
Joy has Jennifer Lawrence taking on the role of the woman who invited the Miracle Mop.
Point Break is a remake of the classic crime film that starred Patrick Swayze. This time, Luke Bracey stars.
Snowden (opening in select cities) stars Joseph Gordon-Levitt as the person who passed secrets.
Macbeth (opening in select cities) has Michael Fassbender in the title role with Marion Cotillard as Lady Macbeth.
The Big Short has Ryan Gosling and Brad Pitt as guys who enjoy the betting game.
Youth (opening in select cities) is a beautifully photographed film about aging and stars Michael Caine and Harvey Keitel.
Legend (opening in select cities) is finally opening widely and stars Tom Hardy in two roles, as the Kray Brothers who ran organized crime in London in the 1960’s.
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Darren Marlar credits all non-original material to the author whenever possible. All other material is original, used with permission, or author unknown. We welcome all comments, questions, and suggestions. Darren can be reached via his website at www.DarrenMarlar.com.