December 28, 2016: Wednesday ONAIRprep

PRINT VERSION OF TODAY’S PREP: 20161228

***DAILY DOSE OF WEIRD NEWS! (As an ONAIRprep subscriber, you can gain access to all of the work parts for the Daily Dose of Weird News, allowing you to edit for length and content – and also receive a custom tag specifically for your station or show which you can have updated at any time… ABSOLUTELY FREE! It’s part of your subscription now! Email me to get FTP access and your free customized tag!)

WELCOME TO THE SHOW!

(THE JOCK SHOW) will air in just a moment — and believe me, it could stand an airing.

New alarms I just set on my smart phone:

5:00AM – GET UP

5:05AM – GET UP, BRUSH TEETH IN SHOWER

5:15AM – GET UP, BRUSH TEETH, SKIP SHOWER

5:20AM – GET UP, SKIP SHOWER, SKIP BRUSHING OF TEETH

5:25AM – GET UP, DON’T BOTHER PEEING UNTIL YOU GET TO WORK

5:30AM – CALL IN SICK

BIBLE VERSE OF THE DAY

The Lord himself will give you a sign: The virgin will be with child and will give birth to a son, and will call him Immanuel. –Isaiah 7:14

“Today in the town of David a Savior has been born to you; he is Christ the Lord.” — Luke 2:11

God sent his Son, born of a woman, born under law, to redeem those under law, that we might receive the full rights of sons. — Galatians 4:4-5

HEARTLIGHT DAILY VERSE, PRAYER & THOUGHT

(From VerseOfTheDay.com)

See to it that you do not refuse him who speaks. If they did not escape when they refused him who warned them on earth, how much less will we, if we turn away from him who warns us from heaven? Hebrews 12:25

Thought: With the gift of Jesus comes an awesome responsibility: we must listen, follow, and honor him! If God demanded that his people obey his lesser messengers who were prophets or kings, what do you think the responsibility is for us to listen when he has emptied heaven of his Son’s glory so that it might shine on us?

Prayer: Thank you, dear Father, for sending your Son and my Savior, Jesus. Please, dear LORD, I do not want to ever take that gift for granted. Please empower me and give me wisdom so that I can faithfully listen and serve Jesus, in whose name I pray. Amen.

The Thoughts and Prayers for Today’s Verse are written by Phil Ware. You can email questions or comments to phil@heartlight.org.

BIRTHDAY VERSE” OF THE DAY (The chapter and verse corresponds to the month and the day!)

Hebrews 12:28 NIV = Therefore, since we are receiving a kingdom that cannot be shaken, let us be thankful, and so worship God acceptably with reverence and awe.

TODAY IS WEDNESDAY – DECEMBER 28, 2016

(NOTE: Some holidays may be duplicated due to various calendars reporting conflicting dates)
WEIRD, WACKY, STRANGE, ZANY, ODD, BIZARRE, QUIRKY, UNUSUAL HOLIDAYS!
THERE ARE ONLY
363 SHOPPING DAYS UNTIL CHRISTMAS.

Today is HOLY INNOCENTS DAY, commemorating the massacre of children in Bethlehem ordered by King Herod in an attempt to kill the child Jesus.

Today is RETURN A GIFT FOR COLD HARD CASH DAY. ***Gift cards and in-store credit don’t count – they have to give you cash back for your gift return… good luck with that!

Tonight is TAKE A DRIVE AND ENJOY THE CHRISTMAS LIGHTS DAY. ***You should see plenty as you try to return your gifts for cold hard cash.

Today is THROW AWAY YOUR SUBLIMINAL MOTIVATION TAPES DAY.  ***Hmmm… so let’s conduct a little experiment.  I’m saying, vocally, that you should throw away your subliminal motivation tapes.  But in the music I’m playing in the background, I’ve inserted a subliminal message to tell you NOT to throw them away!  So which will win?  Hmmm…

Today is CHEWING GUM DAY, patented on this day back in 1869 by William Semple.

Some chewing gum facts:

  • A recent study shows a simple stick of gum can often fight heartburn just as well as over the counter medicines. Researchers at England’s Kings College found that chewing gum half an hour after a meal can relieve symptoms of GERD (gastroesophageal reflux disease) — commonly known as indigestion. Chewing gum stimulates saliva, which neutralizes acid in the esophagas.

  • According to a small study by Andrew Scholey of the University of Northumbria in England, people who chewed gum throughout tests for both long- and short-term memory scored better on both tests than people who did not chew gum. One theory suggests that the act of chewing ups the heart rate, which, in turn, improves oxygen delivery to the brain.

  • New research suggests chewing gum may not only help a woman conceive but may make her pregnancy safer and more successful. The study found that the act of chewing makes a woman’s eggs more receptive to fertilization and helps balance hormones.

  • Chewing gum could help you lose weight according to a study published in the New England Journal of Medicine. Researchers at the Mayo Clinic in Rochester, MI, have discovered that chewing gum raises your metabolic rate by about 20 percent, and an “all-day sugar-free gum chewer” burns off the equivalent of 11 pounds of extra weight per year.  ***MARLAR: So don’t think I’m rude if you hear me smackin’ away while talking to you on the radio.  I’m not being rude, I’m just doing my daily cardiovascular exercises.

TODAY IS ALSO…
Holy Innocents Day
Endangered Species Act Day
National Chocolate Da  Link

Pledge of Allegiance Day

COMING UP NEXT (Just a list, we are not endorsing the holidays posted below.)

THURSDAY, DECEMBER 29

Tick Tock Day
YMCA Day

FRIDAY, DECEMBER 30

Bacon Day Link
Falling Needles Family Fest Day
No Interruptions Day

SATURDAY, DECEMBER 31

First Nights
Global Champagne Day  Link
Leap Second Time Adjustment Day
Look On The Bright Side Day Link
Make Up Your Mind Day
New Years Eve
New Year’s Eve Banished Words List
New Year’s Dishonor List
Universal Hour of Peace Day
World Peace Meditation Day

SUNDAY, JANUARY 01

Copyright Law Day
Commitment Day Link
Ellis Island Day
Euro Day
First Foot Day Link Link
Global Family Day Link
Mummer’s Parade
New Years Day
New Year’s Dishonor List Day
Polar Bear Plunge or Swim Day Link
World Day of Peace Link
Z Day

MONDAY, JANUARY 02

55-MPH Speed Limit Day
Blue Monday Link
Divorce Monday Link
Happy Mew Year for Cats Day
National Buffet Day Link
National Motivation and Inspiration Day Link
National Personal Trainer Awareness Day Link
National Science Fiction Day Link
National Weigh-In Day
Pet Travel and Safety Day Link
Rose Bowl Game
Thank God It’s Monday” Day
Tournament of Roses Parade Day

TUESDAY, JANUARY 03

Drinking Straw Day
J.R.R. Tolkien Day
Memento Mori “Remember You Die” Day
National Chocolate Covered Cherry Day Link

WEDNESDAY, JANUARY 04

Dimpled Chad Day
Earth at Perihelion
Pop Music Chart Day
Tom Thumb Day

Trivia Day
World Braille Day Link
World Hypnotism Day Link

ON THIS DAY

1461: British King Edward the 4th’s coronation originally scheduled for this day was postponed because in medieval times the date was considered very unlucky.

1869: William F. Semple of Mount Vernon, Ohio, patented chewing gum. ***The next day it was discovered that you could double your pleasure and double your fun by sticking the gum under a restaurant table.

1902: Syracuse defeated Philadelphia 6-0 in the first professional indoor football game at New York’s Madison Square Garden.

1945: Congress officially recognized the patriotic “Pledge of Allegiance” to the U.S. flag.

1957: Hollywood’s Robert Wagner and Natalie Wood were married. She died in a boating accident in 1981.

1969: The City of Detroit declared the day “Temptations Day,” honoring the popular singing group.

1973: President Richard Nixon signed the Endangered Species Act into law.

1974: Los Angeles Laker center Elmore Smith shot three consecutive “air” balls in a 3-to-make-2 free throw situation, the only time it’s ever happened in pro basketball.

1975: Trailing 14-10 with only 32 seconds left and no time outs, from 50 yards out Roger Staubach hit Drew Pearson in a crowd at the goal-line to give Dallas the NFC title over Minnesota. In a post-game interview, Staubach said, “You throw it and pray he catches it. I guess its sort of a ‘Hail Mary’ pass.”

1999: Actor Clayton Moore, who rode to fame as television’s Lone Ranger, died in West Hills, California at age 85.

2003: A 38-year-old jewel thief who swallowed a $20,000 diamond ring in Clearwater, Florida, was forced by nature to give up the evidence. The woman was arrested after a surveillance tape showed her putting the 1.5 carot ring in her mouth at a jewelry store. An X-ray showed the ring inside the suspect.

TODAY IN CHRISTIAN HISTORY

(NONE TODAY)

HOLLYWOOD, SPORTS AND CELEBRITY FIGURE BIRTHDAYS

  • actress (Nottingham, GI Joe: The Rise of Cobra, Stardust, Casanova) Sienna Miller 36
  • actress (Independence Day) Lisa Jakub 38

  • actor (Inside Man, Man on Fire, Fallen, The Preacher’s Wife) Denzel Washington 62

  • actress (Minerva McGonagall in the Harry Potter movies, Mother Superior in the Sister Act movies) Maggie Smith 82
  • actor (“Adam-12”, “Swiss Family Robinson”, “Route 66”) Martin Milner is 85 (audio clip)

BEE-BOP BIRTHDAYS

(Music Artist Birthdays From SongFacts.com)

1905 : Earl “Fatha” Hines

1910 : Billy Williams

1915 : Pops Staples (The Staple Singers)

1921 : Johnny Otis

1932 : Dorsey Burnette

1938 : Charles Neville (The Neville Brothers)

1943 : Bobby Comstock

1946 : Edgar Winter

1947 : Dick Diamonde (The Easybeats)

1948 : Ziggy Modeliste (The Meters)

1950 : Alex Chilton (The Box Tops)

1961 : Christine Collister

1978 : John Legend

SECRETS OF THE UNIVERSE

Who started the custom of men wearing tuxedos on formal occasions?

In 1886 black tie and tails had been the accepted formal wear for a century. But that year Pierre Lorillard commissioned a tailor to create something less stiff – preferably tail-less – for a big social occasion where he lived, in Tuxedo Park, New York. But by the big night his enthusiasm for the new suit had tailed off, and he chickened out. However, his son and his friends wore it, and they started a new fad that itself became the standard for formal wear. In the process, they immortalized the name of their hometown.

CHRISTIAN ARTIST NEWS

This is just a tiny sample of the 5-6 pages of material you could be receiving three days a week from ChristianRadioShowPrepServices.com!

(NONE TODAY)

NEWS KICKERS

(No news on the weekends. Want a customized audio version, FREE? Email me for more information! )

NEW NEWS KICKERS…

A 5-year-old in Scotland was worried his favorite soccer player might have missed him at the game. So little Louis Kayes called the team to apologize for missing the game because he attended a friend’s birthday party.  ***Give that a kid a lifetime pass!

Every Tesla car may be self-driving by the end of next year, Elon Musk says — but that doesn’t mean they’re protected from road rage. A new study (conducted by Goodyear and the London School of Economics) suggests some rogue drivers might be excited about “bullying” even autonomous vehicles. In fact, according to the study, some participants feel self-driving cars will be easier to mess with.  ***Isn’t this like verbally taunting a Teddy Ruxpin in hopes of making it angry?

In Darlington, England, 22-year-old roofer Gary McKenzie is actually on trial for passing gas in a 16-year-old boy’s face. Gary says it was just an accident but prosecutors say not only was it intentional, it constitutes cruel bullying. McKenzie is also accused of punching his victim and trying to suffocate another child with a pillowcase. The victim claims that after McKenzie broke wind in his face he asked him, “Why did you do that,” and McKenzie allegedly replied, “Because I wanted to be nasty!” A very disgusted jury will get to decide.  ***If this guy can be jailed for passing gas in a boy’s face, what will happen to husbands who fart in bed?

A group of Princeton University physicists have come to the conclusion that an Oreo cookie will always split with the cream filling on the same side. According to Today.com, here’s how it works: “Position the Oreo box so that the text on the packaging is facing the right way, and take out the cookie in the upper left hand corner. If the cream ends up on the left biscuit on one cookie, it’ll end up on the left biscuit for every cookie in that box.” To test their theory, scientist bought hundreds of Oreos. Then, they simply pulled the top cookie off from the bottom over and over and over. ***I’m glad we cleared up that mystery – my life makes so much more sense now.  Next, we need to spend a bunch of money to discover why buttered bread, when dropped, always lands butter side down on the floor.  Inquiring minds need to know!!

They may not be able to walk or talk, but 6-month-old babies can spot a bad guy a mile away. A series of psychological experiments by Yale University researchers proved that tiny infants have strong ethics. One study featured babies aged 6 months to 1 year watching a puppet show that starred a colorful wooden shape that tries to climb a hill. Another character comes along and helps the shape climb up before a second toy appears and pushes it down. After watching the action several times, the children were offered the helpful and unhelpful toys. “We found that the infants overwhelmingly preferred the helpful individual to the hindering one,” says Professor Paul Bloom. “this wasn’t a subtle statistical trend. Nearly all the babies reached for the good guy.” Babies exposed to other plays with similar themes were also on the side of the nice character who lent a hand. ***But then they eventually become teenagers and you know that goes.

NEWS KICKER EVERGREENS…

Researchers in the Netherlands have revealed why Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer has a red nose. According to their study, there is a small group of reindeer native to the Arctic regions in Alaska, Canada, Greenland, Russia and Scandinavia that actually have a distinct red coloring in their noses. That’s because those reindeers have 25 percent more capillaries carrying red, oxygen-rich blood in their noses than humans. This dense network of blood vessels causes their noses to turn a certain shade of red.  *** Which comes in handy on those foggy Christmas Eves when Santa needs his sleigh guided.

Beverly Hills dermatologist Dr. Vail Reese once awarded his “Skinny Awards” for bad skin to Brad Pitt for his acne scars and Angelina Jolie for her moles, tattoos and abdominal scars.  ***Yeah, we’d all hate to look like those two hideous freaks, wouldn’t we?!?

A group of scientists say there’s a tiny chance an asteroid might hit the Earth in 2036, and they feel an attempt should be made to deflect it. ***Astronauts say they’ll try so long as they don’t have to pay taxes again… ever.

An Oregon funeral home in Eugene offers natural burials where the ride to the person’s final resting place is on the back of a three-wheeled bicycle.  Sunset Hills Cemetery and Funeral Home director Wade Lind says he got the idea from bikers and designed the pedal-powered hearse himself. It has an electric motor to give him a little help hauling the casket.  Lind has bicycled five bodies so far and there’s a waiting list for the service. The ride and a bamboo casket that looks like a basket costs about $3,500.  ***The only way I’m allowing myself to be delivered to the cemetery in a bicycle basket is if I can pay an extra buck-fifty to put a playing card in-between the spokes to make it sound like a motorcycle.

WONDER WOMAN (This feature will be disappearing in 2017)

CLICK HERE TO DOWNLOAD TODAY’S EPISODE… “Looking for Address, Radio Volume”

DAILY COMEDY CLIP (This feature will be disappearing in 2017)

CLICK HERE TO DOWNLOAD TODAY’S EPISODE… David Dean, “Hugging a Stranger”

AS THE JUNGLE TURNS – WEEKDAY VERSION

CLICK HERE TO DOWNLOAD WEDNESDAY’S EPISODE

CHRISTMAS 08 of 09

OPEN: And now, FancyMonkey.com, (Show Name), and (Station Call Letters) bring you As the Jungle Turns! Last time, Marvy Snuffelson was on Razzleflabbin Island, and he suggested that Karl get his best friend Olaf some race cars for his toy race track. Now Marvy is with Olaf looking for the perfect gift for Karl – bicycle tires! Unfortunately, tires don’t come cheap – and Olaf has no money.

CLOSE: So now there are racing cars with no track to race them on… and bicycle tires with no bike on which to attach them! What kind of Christmas IS this? Find out next time… As the Jungle Turns!

***You may simulcast “As the Jungle Turns” on the Internet stream of your live broadcast only. Any other Internet use of “As the Jungle Turns” in whole or part including podcasting of your live broadcast is a violation of copyright law. Thank you for your cooperation on this vitally important issue. If you have any questions, please e-mail us and ask about “Jungle Jam & Friends the Radio Show” usage.

MOMENT OF DUH

The Christmas spirit didn’t make it around to everyone.

In the St. Louis area, close to 200 teenagers went wild at the St. Clair movie theater on Christmas Day. Apparently it all started between two girls who were fighting over the same boy. Two hundred people had joined in the brawl before police finally broke it up.

INTERESTING SIDE NOTE: We recently had a story about something new called MOVIE RAGE! According to a poll of emergency rooms, more and more patients are going to the theater to see the latest flick and departing in an ambulance. “Movie Rage makes Road Rage look like child’s play,” says Dr. Jorge Gonzalez, an ER physician at Our Lady of Angles in The Outfield in San Diego. “Last Saturday night I patched up a woman who was viciously stabbed with a nail file. She kept answering her cell phone during the movie. The lady sitting next to her went berserk.” The survey showed the behaviors most likely to result in assault are:

  • Talking

  • Crunching popcorn

  • Repeatedly sucking the last two dribbles of soda from a straw

  • Answering a cell phone

  • Rattling a plastic bag of candy

  • Tipping boxes of Raisinettes or SnoCaps so the contents slide back and forth

  • Blurting out the ending of the movie

  • Kicking the back of the person’s seat in front of you

TOP TEN

TOP TEN REASONS TO ASK YOUR BOSS FOR A RAISE

10. You take your paycheck to the bank, and the teller bursts out in hysterical laughter.

9. The Red Cross calls and offers you emergency assistance.

8. Your only charge cards are for the Salvation Army, ARC, and DAV thrift stores.

7. You work full time and you still qualify for food stamps.

6. You empty out your piggy bank and then cook the bank and serve it for your Easter ham.

5. All you can think about morning, noon and night is clipping grocery coupons.

4. You file your income taxes and the IRS returns them stamped, “Charity Case — Return To Sender.”

3. You set the world record for mailing $1.00 rebate requests to Young America, Minnesota.

2. You pay all your bills, put your remaining $1 bill into your billfold and it goes into shock.

1. You get arrested for taking the coins out of the fountain in the mall.

THE FILES OF LAW & DISORDER

So you think you win the lottery and you’re set for life, eh?

FILE #1: …Not so it seems for one 49-year-old lottery winner from Germany. Although winning just under a million bucks a few years ago, he blew it all, and when the money ran out he turned to crime to finance his now luxurious lifestyle. Police believe he’s responsible for dozens of burglaries and caught him red-handed during the latest break-in and found the equivalent of about $12,000 in cash, along with mobile telephones, jewelry and watches on him. The cops believe the guy was behind at least 77 burglaries and he has admitted to at least some of the charges, which date back to October 2003.

FILE #2: A round-up of the year’s dumbest calls to British police emergency lines was topped by a woman who called for an ambulance after she broke a fingernail in a nightclub.

FILE #3: 42-year-old David Allen Rodgers was arrested for driving a Christmas float while intoxicated during Anderson, South Carolina’s annual holiday parade. According to reports, he ran a red light then led police on a three-mile chase with 19 passengers on board.

STRANGE LAW: In New York, a fine of $25 can be levied for flirting. This old law specifically prohibits men from turning around on any city street and looking “at a woman in that way.” A second conviction for a crime of this magnitude calls for the violating male to be forced to wear a “pair of horse-blinders” wherever and whenever he goes outside for a stroll.

THIS IS YOUR BRAIN ON DRUGS

Some criminals use disguises, others just shave and hope not to be identified. 

Police in Somerset County, Pennsylvania stopped 50-year-old Robert Sadlon for a broken taillight. However before they could talk to him or identify him, Robert fled the scene on foot. He apparently ran straight home, shaved his mustache and changed his clothes, and then called in and reported the truck he was driving as stolen. So the same officer that stopped him then went to Robert’s home to investigate the reported theft. There, he found a just-shaven Robert in different clothes. But the not-so-clever disguise didn’t really fool anybody and he was arrested for drunken driving, escape and related charges.

PHONER PHUN

What’s the smallest amount you’ve ever put on a credit card?  What was it for?

What’s your funniest Christmas gift story?

BIBLE BRAIN BUSTER!

QUESTION: In what city was the tabernacle set up?

ANSWER: Shiloh (Joshua 18:1)

QUESTION IMPOSSIBLE

How quickly does human hair grow?
Hair grows about 1/72nd of an inch per day, or about 1/2-inch per month. Age affects the growth of hair–the fastest growth is between ages 15 and 30, with a sharp decline between ages 50 and 60.

TRUE OR FALSE

Pay attention! If our next player doesn’t answer all ten T/F questions correctly we start all over from question #1! First person to answer question #10 correctly is our winner!

1. Texas produces more wool than any other state in the country. (True)

2. Your hair is as strong as aluminum (True)

3. You take almost 8 billion breaths in just one year. (False… it’s closer to about 7.8 million)

4. Your skin makes up about 16 percent of your total body weight. (True… and I’m only as heavy as I am because I have too much skin – right?)

5. If the sun stopped shining suddenly, it would take 22 minutes for Earth to be in the dark. (False… it would take eight minutes)

6. The only country in the Middle East that does not have a desert is Iran. (False… it’s Lebanon)

7. If you toss a penny 10,000 times, it will be heads 5,000 times. (False… more like 4950. The heads picture weighs more, so it ends up on the bottom.)

8. Only one person in two billion will live to be 116 or older. (True)

9. Peter Rabbit’s three siblings were Flopsy, Mopsy and Cottontail. (True)

10. St. Charles Place belongs to the Bright Red color on a standard U.S. Monopoly board. (False… it’s light purple)

TABLOID MATCH GAME

You have to match the blank in the tabloid headline with the word or phrase that has been removed!

DOG MAYOR FACES ______ FOR CORRUPTION CHARGES (POUND)

In the small town of Chatsworth, Ill., one public official is facing big problems. Bulldog Gus Bonesly, who took mayoral office after what was supposed to be a joke candidacy, has come under fire for unsavory tactics in his leadership of the town. Embezzlement, voter intimidation, drug peddling — these kinds of charges have been seen in local government before, but never at the hands (or paws) of a canine mayor.

“It’s unprecedented,” said one member of Chatsworth City Council, who asked to not be named. “This guy has just lifted his leg and soiled all over the law. He may get the pound for this.”

Opponents said they began to question the Bonesly’s integrity after an alleged assault that took place during a private office meeting. Bonesly and a staffer were playing a game of political — and reportedly, literal — tug-of-war in the office when the animal snapped at the other’s hand. Since then, officials have supposedly been trying to come up as many charges as possible since the young mayor can literally not defend himself.

“It’s pathetic,” says Dollie Burdette, former owner of Bonesly before he took office. “He’s always been the sweetest boy. I think his opponents are just sore after losing to him. He can not respond to these charges — he can’t speak. Most of us think he’s brought the town together, if anything. Tell you what, it’s going to come back to bite his opponents.”

If convicted, Bonesly will most certainly be sent to a local shelter for his actions, though lawmakers have assured the public that this would be a “no-kill” shelter.

THE WAY TOO EARLY IN THE MORNING TO UNDERSTAND THE PUNCHLINE EVEN AFTER TWO CUPS OF COFFEE JOKE OF THE DAY 

JOKE #1

A man goes to a restaurant, orders some takeout, and sits down to wait for his food.

While he waits, he grabs a handful of peanuts from the bowl on the counter, and as he starts to chew, he hears a voice say, “That’s a beautiful tie, is that silk? Very NICE choice!”

Wondering who made the comment, he looks around and doesn’t see anyone nearby who could be speaking to him. With a shrug, he pops a few more peanuts into his mouth.

Next he hears the voice say, “Those shoes are stylin’, my man. Are they Italian leather? They look GRRREAT!”

He whirls around again but sees no one near him. He glances nervously around and then at his shoes, which he tucks self-consciously under the stool.

A little freaked out, he grabs another handful of peanuts. This time the voice continues with, “That suit looks FANTASTIC! Is it an Armani? Very nice!”

He immediately calls the waiter over and says, “Look. I keep hearing these voices telling me how great my tie, my shoes, and my suit look – what’s up with that? Am I GOING CRAZY??”

“Oh,” the waiter nonchalantly replies. “It’s just the peanuts.”

“The PEANUTS?!?” the astonished man asks, staring at the bowl beside him.

“Yes,” replies the waiter, “They’re complimentary.”

JOKE #2

Bidding at a local auction was proceeding furiously when the auctioneer suddenly announced, “A gentleman in this room has lost a wallet containing $10,000. If it is returned, he will pay a reward of $2,000.”

There was a moment’s silence, and then from the back of the room came the cry, “Two thousand five hundred!”

JOKE #3

Tommy attended church for the first time with his buddy, Jimmy.  As the pastor got up to preach, he took off his watch and laid it on the pulpit.

Tommy asked in a whisper, “What does that mean?”

Jimmy replied, “Unfortunately, nothing!”

USELESS FACTS

The planet Saturn has a density lower than water. If there was a bathtub large enough to hold it, Saturn would float.  *** I’ve been looking for a bathtub that large for quite some time now for my own personal use – they don’t make them.

The dromedary camel can drink as much as 100 liters of water in just 10 minutes.  ***Dromedary is a Greek word that means “I’d rather be drinking beer.”

FEATURED FUNNIES

SIGNS THAT IT IS FOOTBALL SEASON

  • After you say “Pass the potatoes” someone actually does
  • When someone says “the Giants,” you think New York instead of San Francisco
  • You arrive at work an hour early every day so you can tailgate first
  • You make all major decisions with a coin toss

IT MUST BE TRUE BECAUSE I HEARD IT ON THE RADIO!

If your car is stolen, and then you see it on the street one day what would you do? You’d call the police, right? One woman wishes she’d never called the police.

If you steal a car back from the people who stole it from you in the first place, is it still considered stealing? You be the judge after hearing this story. A woman recently stumbled across her stolen car parked on the street, which still had her belongings in it and her tax documents, but which had the steering wheel lock changed. She figured this was a clear opportunity for the police to catch the thieves and she would get her car back. But she was stunned when she called the police to let them know that they had an opportunity to catch the thieves. You won’t believe what they told her. They told her that they were too busy and suggested that SHE STEAL BACK THE CAR HERSELF! The POLICE are telling her to do this! They suggested she hacksaw off the new steering lock and drive the car home. Which, in the end, she had no other choice but to do because the police refused to show up! After she stole her car back, the police did take the plates for fingerprinting (the plates were changed). They said they couldn’t stake out the car because they don’t have the resources, there would be no guarantee the person approaching the car is the one who stole it (what, do police no longer question anyone anymore? Are investigations no longer allowed?), and “we would also be in danger of having to start a pursuit, which we always try to avoid.” Apparently, among other things they try to avoid…. like their jobs.

INSPIRATIONAL INSPIRATION

LINCOLN AND STANTON’S HARSH LETTER
When the darkest clouds of the Civil War were hovering over the capital, many things done by the generals were not approved by either Lincoln or Secretary Stanton. Lincoln would take a long time to ponder over those situations, but Stanton would, at times, lose his temper and explode.
One day Stanton came to see Lincoln about the doings of a certain general. Listening quietly, Lincoln let Stanton show his anger, and when the latter exclaimed, “I would like to write him a letter and tell him what I think of him!” Lincoln remarked quietly, “Well, why not do so? Sit down and write him a letter, saying all you have said to me.”
Stanton was surprised for he thought that President Lincoln would object to this. He declared that he would take the President at his word.
Two days later he brought Lincoln the letter he had written, and read it to him. When Stanton had finished, Lincoln smiled and remarked, “That is all right. You have said all you told me you would. Now, what are you going to do with this letter?”

“Why, I am going to give it to him, of course.”
“I wouldn’t,” replied the President quietly. “Throw it in the wastebasket.”
“What, after spending two days on it,” exclaimed Stanton.

“Yes. It took you two days to write it, and it did you a lot of good. You feel a great deal better now, and that is all that is necessary.”

The letter went to the wastebasket, and Stanton learned an important lesson.

DRIVE TIME DEVOTIONAL

ALL THE PROTECTION YOU NEED

Read: Psalm 25

May integrity and uprightness protect me. –Psalm 25:21

Are you ever scared? Really scared? I’m pretty careful about where I go, but I’ve been in some scary situations. While in Israel, some friends and I decided to walk through a section of the old city of Jerusalem where Christians are not welcome. That was a bit disconcerting. It was a no-way-out situation, and there were a lot of people around with guns.

While in Washington, DC, to cover an athletic event, I took a pretty long and spooky walk back through the city streets to my hotel at night.

And there was the time the car our family was in almost slid off the side of a Colorado mountain. My kids never let me forget that one.

Of course, there are millions of other ways to be scared. Scared of a professor who seems to live to flunk students. Scared of an assignment that you simply don’t know if you can do. Scared of not getting a date. Scared of getting a date. Scared of not having enough money. Scared of the future. Scared of driving your car home because the radiator is overheating.

Scared.

Although Psalm 25 can’t help you with the details of the things that make you tremble, it does promise a lot of protection. It offers protection from:

* Loneliness

* Affliction

* Troubles

* Anguish

* Distress

* Sin

* Enemies

And how does the protection come? Some of it comes from the way we respond to God: We must fear Him (v.14), focus on Him (v.15), cry out to Him (vv.16-20), practice integrity and uprightness (v.21), and hope in God (v.22).

Read through Psalm 25 again (or for the first time). See how God protects and cares for you. Then remember it the next time you’re scared. Really scared. –DB

LEFTOVERS

CHARACTER ASSASSINATION

A California teacher’s attempt to come up with an assignment that related to an Edgar Allan Poe story got him fired.

…Andrew Phillips, an English teacher at Covina High School, assigned his students to devise an assassination plan and explanation of how they would get away with it. Phillips instructed students to write the assignment as a journal entry in conjunction with the reading of Edgar Allan Poe’s short story “The Pit and the Pendulum.” He told them to choose someone to kill, give reasons why and detail how to keep it secret. According to his students, the only requirement was that the person to be assassinated could not be anyone at Covina High School. Students who didn’t want to do the assignment were offered an alternative assignment: describe eight to 10 motives for killing another human being. ***MARLAR: Motive #1 – being given inappropriate homework assignments.

LIFE… LIVE IT

FISH PEDICURE

Want to rid your feet of scaly, dry patches? Catch yourself a carp.

A salon in Virginia is offering fish pedicures, where clients’ feet are submerged in tubs containing “doctor fish.” The treatment replaces razors, which have been deemed “unsanitary.” Clients report the procedure is ticklish. It is followed by a typical pedicure, which is reportedly easier because the skin is softened by the fish.

JUST FOR FUN

BOWLED OVER

If you have a loved one who loves football, you might want to watch them closely with all the college bowl games and the NFL playoff games in the next week or so.

A new study has found that deaths from heart attacks jumped a whopping 50% during a Dutch football match in 1996 when the Netherlands lost to France and were shut out of the European championship. The researchers attribute the deaths to the increase in stress the men may have experienced. Scientists at the University Medical Center Utrecht in the Netherlands evaluated the number of deaths that occurred on the day of the fateful football match and compared it with the figures recorded 5 days before and after the match and in the same period in 1995 and 1997. In men, (death from heart attack) or stroke was significantly increased on the day of the football match compared with the 5 days on either side. ***MARLAR: I understand. I get chest pains every time I watch (LOCAL TEAM) play. My stomach turns sour too.

FUN LIST

NEW HIGH SCHOOL EXIT EXAM (four correct answers required in order to pass this test)

1) How long did the Hundred Years’ War last?

2) Which country makes Panama hats?

3) From which animal do we get cat gut?

4) In which month do Russians celebrate the October Revolution?

5) What is a camel’s hair brush made of?

6) The Canary Islands in the Pacific are named after what animal?

7) What was King George VI’s first name?

8) What color is a purple finch?

9) Where are Chinese gooseberries from?

10) What is the color of the black box in a commercial airplane?

Remember, you need 4 correct answers to pass. Check your answers below .

ANSWERS TO THE QUIZ

1) How long did the Hundred Years War last? 116 years

2) Which country makes Panama hats? Ecuador

3) From which animal do we get cat gut? Sheep and Horses

4) In which month do Russians celebrate the October Revolution? November

5) What is a camel’s hair brush made of? Squirrel fur

6) The Canary Islands in the Pacific are named after what animal? Dogs

7) What was King George VI’s first name? Albert

8) What color is a purple finch? Crimson

9) Where are Chinese gooseberries from? New Zealand

10) What is the color of the black box in a commercial airplane? Orange

MORE SHOW PREP STUFF…

Who knew that bowling is bad for your health?

The Health and Safety Commission of Great Britain have spent — or should we say wasted– $500,000 on a two-year study that has determined that bowling alleys are “a very dangerous environment for families.” Yup, the so-called safety experts concluded that it was too easy for children or teenagers to run down lanes and get trapped in machinery that sets up the pins– even though there has not been even one reported case of this ever happening. John Ashbridge, of The Ten-Pin Bowling Proprietors Association, said he had watched HSE inspectors examining a bowling alley and found their attempts to detect possible dangers “hilarious.” The bizarre Health and Safety Executive report also said that bowlers would be at risk if they walked along the 60-foot lanes to knock over pins by hand — even though there has not been even one reported case of this ever happening. The commission considered ordering every bowling alley in England to put barriers across the lanes but they were forced to admit defeat after realizing that bowlers must be able to see what they are aiming at. (Daily Mail)

OTHER STUFF I WANT TO CRAM INTO TODAY’S PREP

Whether it’s black or green, a daily cup of tea may help you to live longer. How? It soothes your heart. Regular tea drinkers not only have fewer heart attacks than those who don’t drink tea, but also have less calcium buildup in their arteries, reports HealthDay News of research from The Johns Hopkins Hospital in Baltimore, Maryland. Coffee vs. tea: Which one is actually better for you? The study found that those who consumed just one cup of tea a day were 35 percent less likely to have a heart attack or other major cardiovascular event, compared to nondrinkers. Those who drank between one and three cups of tea daily were less likely to have calcium buildup in the coronary arteries of the heart. Calcium deposits have been linked to heart disease and stroke.

How many times do you toss out your credit card receipts without even thinking about it? After all, only the last four digits of your credit card number appear on them. What can anyone do with just that information? Apparently, a lot. CreditCards.com warns consumers to treat their credit card receipts as though they carry sensitive information. Scam artists who get hold of your receipts can use those last four digits of your credit card number to try to get the other numbers. They do this by tracking down your phone number, calling you and phishing for the rest of it — perhaps posing as your credit card issuer or utility company and asking for the full credit card number to verify an account. Just remember this important fact: Your credit card company will never call you on the phone and ask you to provide the entire card number. If anyone else does this, it’s a scam. Hang up. And shred your credit card receipts when you no longer need them.

Guys wanna get on the good side of your lady? Then clean up the house and do the laundry. A survey found that women felt they did most of the work at home compared to men. And they said guys will score more point with their mates by doing household chores rather than taking them for romantic, wine dinner or weekend trips. “Modern men are clearly missing the trick,” explains psychologist Cary Cooper. “If they take a little more time to help out their partners with the ironing, they will reap the rewards in the long run and earn a lot of brownie points. “Many women are still working the double shift, doing the household chores and having a career whereas men still have a working role primarily. “What women obviously want to see is somebody who will do chores but also have an active domestic role in the family.”

If you want a healthy brain, stay in school and take the stairs. While those two recommendations seem completely unrelated to each other, it turns out that both will help keep your brain young, slowing down the aging of gray matter, according to researchers at Montreal’s Concordia University. The study measured the volume of gray matter found in participants’ brains because its decline, caused by neural shrinkage and neuronal loss, is a very visible part of the chronological aging process. Then they compared brain volume to the participants’ reported number of flights of stairs climbed and years of schooling completed. The results found brain age decreases by 0.95 years for each year of education, and by 0.58 years for every daily flight of stairs climbed.

AND I LEAVE YOU WITH THIS THOUGHT

You can feel a real letdown after Christmas—especially when all you have to look forward to is keeping your New Year’s resolutions. And we all know how well that goes every year!

THE TICKET Movie Reviews with MARIE ASNER

Marie Asner has been reviewing films for over 30 years. Her outlets include radio, print and Internet. For more in-depth movie reviews of the following films, visit www.Tollbooth.org. Ratings from 1 (Low) to 5 (High).

DECEMBER 16, 2016 thru JANUARY 01, 2017…

 Why Him?—James Franco takes on the role of the son-in-law from Hades. Who would want him?  The daughter of Bryan Cranston, that’s who. The daughter is played by Zoey Deutch. Franco has lots of money, but acts and dresses like a scarecrow. “Why Him?” is rated R. No rating.

A Monster Calls—(now opening from an earlier date) A young boy (Lewis MacDougall) finds that his mother is quite ill.  He doesn’t know how to cope and it doesn’t help that his grandmother (Sigourney Weaver) is not a sympathetic person. What to do? Here comes a “monster” in the shape of a large tree (voice of Liam Neeson) to help the boy. “A Monster Calls” is rated PG. Rating of 3 and bring hanky. 

Manchester By The Sea—A story of grief, several times over, loss and trying to cope are all in this film that suits actor Casey Affleck fine. He plays Lee, who suddenly finds himself guardian to a teenage nephew when Lee’s brother (Kyle Chandler) and the boy’s father dies. What to do? Face up to life or keep trudging along. “Manchester By The Sea” is rated R. Rating of 3. Bring hanky.

Neruda—Luis Gnecco stars as the famed Spanish poet who finds his past membership in the early Communist party comes back to haunt him.  Also in the cast are Gael Garcia Bernal, Alfredo Castro and Mercedes Morau. “Neruda” is rated R. Subtitles. No rating.

Passengers—A science fiction film of trying to help humanity…in a big way. Jennifer Lawrence and Chris Pratt star as two people, among many, who are traveling in deep sleep to another planet.  When something awakens the two, they realize something is very wrong and they have to help…and fight. “Passengers” is rated R. Rating of 2 for fans.

Sing—This animated film concerns a singing contest…with animals.  Yes, there is a mother pig (voice of Reese Witherspoon), the theater owner, a koala bear (voice of Matthew McConaughey) and a rockin’ porcupine (Scarlett Johansson). You can imagine what happens during the contest. Also lending their voices are Seth MacFarlane, Tori Kelly, Taron Egerton and Nick Kroll.  “Sing” is rated PG. Rating of 3 for fans.

(Opening moved ahead from an earlier date) The Space Between Us—On a colonization voyage to Mars, it is discovered that one of the female astronauts is pregnant.  This results in the first child, a boy, being born on Mars, but in that atmosphere, gravity, etc. Fast forward to teen years, and the kid (Asa Butterfield) knows about Earth and even has a girl friend, Britt Robertson (Skype) he communes with.  However, something happens and Asa ends up on Earth. “The Space Between Us” is rated PG 13. Rating of 2 for fans.

Gold—Try, just try to recognize Matthew McConaughey in the role of Kenny Wells who goes to Borneo to find gold. You read that right.  His girlfriend, Bryce Dallas Howard, faithfully follows him.  People will do just about anything to get rich in a hurry.  Also in the cast are Edgar Ramirez and Corey Stoll. “Gold” is rated R. Rating of 2 for fans.

Hidden Figures—This is an unusual title for a film and another might have better explained the film’s content.  It is about three black women who are top mathematicians and work to put the first space flights and astronauts into earth orbit and beyond. Prejudice is prevalent here. Stars include Taraji P. Henson, Octavia Spencer and Janelle Monae. “Hidden Figures” is rated PG 13. Rating of 3.

Paterson—Adam Driver (“Star Wars”) is a bus driver whose name is Paterson and he lives in Paterson, N. J. The film concerns a week in his life and how he and his wife (Golshiften Farahani) handle problems. “Paterson” is rated R. No rating.

Jackie—Now opening from an earlier date, Natalie Portman stars as Jackie Kennedy in the few days before the funeral of President Kennedy. Portman takes the role and goes with it to bring you into that era of assassination of a  president and the aftermath in the country and his family. Also in the cast are Peter Sarsgaard and Billy Crudup. “Jackie” is rated R. Rating of 3 for fans. Bring hanky.

Live By Night—Ben Affleck stars and directs this movie about gangsters and their rise to the top in Boston.  Based on a Dennis Lehane novel and set in the 1920’s. There is back-stabbing, love and the rest of crimes included. Also starring in the film are Sienna Miller, Elle Fanning and Zoe Saldana. “Live By Night” is rated R. Rating of 2 for fans.

20th Century Women—Annette Bening shines in this film of three generations of women in the mid-1970’s and how they cope with changing times. The cast includes Elle Fanning (great work), and Greta Gerwig. Wonderful soundtrack, too.  “20th Century Women” is rated R for sexual content. Rating of 2.

A Kind Of Murder—Here is another adaptation of a Patricia Highsmith novel. The film stars Patrick Wilson and Jessica Biel who are not happy in their marriage. Along comes Eddie Marsan, whose wife has passed away and they become friends.  However, suspicion lurks here.  “A Kind Of Murder” is rated R. No rating.

Julieta—This is a Spanish language film directed by Pedro Almodovar. It concerns a mother’s (Emma Svarez)  search for a missing daughter. Also in the cast are Daniel Grao and Adriana Ugarte. “Julieta” is rated R. No rating.

Collateral Beauty—Will Smith plays a man who has suffered a tragedy in his life. His friends worry about him and decide to help, though in unconventional ways. Also in the cast are Helen Mirren and Edward Norton. “Collateral Beauty” is rated PG 13. Rating of 2 for fans.

Fences—The stars of this film, Denzel Washington and Viola Davis, already have Tony’s for their roles in the Broadway version.  Now, Washington stars and directs this film that is set in the middle 1960’s and tells how working class African-Americans cope with problems. August Wilson wrote the play. “Fences” is rated R. Rating of 3 for fans.

The Founder—Ray Kroc made McDonalds a global name with unique marketing. However, the real founders were the McDonald brothers (played by Nick Offerman and John Carroll).  Kroc is played by Michael Keaton. This is a study in how to build a business, ruthless though it may be. “The Founder” is rated R. Rating of 2 for fans.

Rogue One: A Star Wars Story—Felicity Jones is the female lead in this “stand alone” story in the “Star Wars” saga. The story is about when the Death Star was being built and the Rebels were trying to get the plans. Also in the cast are Ben Mendelssohn and Riz Ahmed. Get your light sabers ready. “Rogue One: A Star Wars Story” is rated PG 13. Rating of 3 for fans.

Assassins Creed—This film is yet another adaptation of a game board.  Here, Michael Fassbinder takes on the role of a man in the 15th century Aguilar) and at the same time, in this century (Callum). Those fighting outfits are reminiscent of “The Arrow.” Also in the cast are Marion Cotilliard and Jeremy Irons. “Assassins Creed” is rated R. Rating of 2 for fans.

Note: ”Patriots’s Day” and “Silence” are now set to open the middle of January, 2017.

Happy New Year 2017. – Marie Asner

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Darren Marlar credits all non-original material to the author whenever possible. All other material is original, used with permission, or author unknown. We welcome all comments, questions, and suggestions. Darren can be reached via his website at www.DarrenMarlar.com.