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PRINTER FRIENDLY VERSION: 20160201
WELCOME TO THE SHOW!
Today’s (JOCK SHOW) will be twice as good as usual — because I’m wearing BOTH pairs of my lucky underwear.
BIBLE VERSE OF THE DAY
In the beginning was the Word, and the Word was with God, and the Word was God. The same was in the beginning with God. All things were made by him; and without him was not any thing made that was made. In him was life; and the life was the light of men. –John 1:1-4
You are forgiving and good, O Lord, abounding in love to all who call on you. — Psalm 86:5
But we have this treasure in jars of clay to show that this all-surpassing power is from God and not from us. — 2 Corinthians 4:7
HEARTLIGHT DAILY VERSE, PRAYER & THOUGHT
Then I said to you, “Do not be terrified; do not be afraid of them. The LORD your God, who is going before you, will fight for you, as he did for you in Egypt, before your very eyes.” — Deuteronomy 1:29-30
Thought: Moses began his farewell message to Israel with a reminder of their parents’ refusal to obey God’s word to enter the Promised Land. With his death, these Israelites will have to follow a leader other than Moses for the first time in their lives. Moses wants them to know that their real Leader hasn’t changed. God had done mighty things for them in Moses’ day. Now God will do mighty things in their day through Joshua. They will have more than second hand deliverance stories to tell their grandchildren. They will be eyewitnesses of God’s power and faithfulness. But they would have to obey this same command their parents ignored and own a faith that their ancestors did not have!
Prayer: Almighty and Sovereign LORD, all glory and honor goes to you for your mighty acts to redeem, to save, to fulfill, and to bless your people throughout the ages. I ask, dear LORD, please bless your people today with faith to expect your power, hearts to obey your Word, and eyes to see that your great work is not yet done. In Jesus’ name I pray. Amen.
“BIRTHDAY VERSE” OF THE DAY
The chapter and verse corresponds to the month and the day!
2 Timothy 2:1 NIV = …be strong in the grace that is in Christ Jesus.
TODAY IS MONDAY – FEBRUARY 01, 2016
(NOTE: Some holidays may be duplicated due to various calendars reporting conflicting dates)
WEIRD, WACKY, STRANGE, ZANY, ODD, BIZARRE, QUIRKY, UNUSUAL HOLIDAYS!
THERE ARE ONLY 329 SHOPPING DAYS UNTIL CHRISTMAS.
Today is TUPPERWARE SCULPTING DAY, a day to heat up at least one old Tupperware bowl or glass and sculpt it into something new and exciting. *** WARNING MEN – Be sure you get your wife’s permission to do this before attempting your own Tupperware sculpting. I had a great Tupperware swan going this morning in preparation for today’s show, then my wife came into the kitchen and, well, you don’t want to know.
Today is ROBINSON CRUSOE DAY, a day to be adventurous and self-reliant. *** How much more adventurous can one be when he’s making a Tupperware swan?
This is SOLO DINERS EAT OUT WEEK. *** I hate eating alone. I always feel people are staring at me. Then again, that might be true seeing as I eat my soup with a fork. And I’ll be eating alone quite a bit this week due to my ruining all of my wife’s good Tupperware.
TODAY IS ALSO. . .
Car Insurance Day
Decorating With Candy Day
G.I. Joe Day
Hula in the Coola Day
Spunky Old Broads Day
COMING UP NEXT
TUESDAY, FEBRUARY 02
Ayn rand Day
Groundhog Job Shadow Day
Sled Dog Day
WEDNESDAY, FEBRUARY 03
Four Chaplains Memorial Day
The Day The Music Died
National Girls & Women in Sports Day
THURSDAY, FEBRUARY 04
Facebook’s Birthday (give them a poke!)
World Cancer Day
FRIDAY, FEBRUARY 05
Move Hollywood and Broadway to Lebanon, PA Day
Shower With a Friend Day (***They’d better be a reeeeeally good friend!)
Cordova Ice Worm Day
Wear Red Day
Working Naked Day (***I’m on the radio, so you’d never know… and no, I’m not going to tell you.)
SATURDAY, FEBRUARY 06
Canadian Maple Syrup Day
Lame Duck Day
Ice Cream For Breakfast Day
Take Your Child to the Library Day
SUNDAY, FEBRUARY 07
Dump Your Significant Jerk Day
National Periodic Table Day
Super Bowl 50
Wave All Your Fingers At Your Neighbors Day
MONDAY, FEBRUARY 08
Laugh And Get Rich Day
Chinese New Year
ON THIS DAY
1861: Texas, a U.S. state for only 16 years, voted to secede from the Union.
1887: Harvey Wilcox of Kansas started selling off 120 acres he owned in Southern California as a real estate development. His wife, Daeida, named it Hollywood.
1920: The Royal Canadian Mounted Police, the Mounties, were created.
1940: Frank Sinatra sang “Too Romantic” and “The Sky Fell Down” in his first recording session with the Tommy Dorsey Band. Frank replaced Jack Leonard as the band’s lead singer.
1949: RCA Victor introduced the 45, a smaller record with a larger hole than the long-play 33-and-a-third disc introduced earlier by Columbia Records.
1954: Edwin Armstrong leaped to his death from his Manhattan apartment. He had invented stereo FM radio, but AM broadcasters had kept his patents tied up in court.
1963: 17-year-old Neil Young performed his first paying gig at a Winnipeg country club.
1964: The governor of Indiana declared the Kingsmen’s hit “Louie Louie” was pornographic. He asked the state’s radio stations not to play it.
1977: In Roxboro, N.C., Hillside shutout Person 2-0 in history’s lowest scoring high school basketball game. Person, with a much shorter team, stalled the entire game and missed its final shot.
1980: The daytime soap opera “Love of Life” ended a 28-year run on CBS so that “The Young & The Restless” could expand to a full hour each weekday.
1982: ”Late Night with David Letterman” premiered on NBC-TV. (audio clip)
1994: Skater Tonya Harding’s ex-husband Jeff Gillooly pleaded guilty to conspiring with others to plan the January 6th attack on skater Nancy Kerrigan.
2001: Sparks generated by bottom static may have caused two gas station fires in Hannibal, Missouri. Experts think the energy built up when drivers slid from their seats and sparks flew from their fingers. Nobody was hurt but both cars were burned. A fire department spokesman said static should be removed by touching the car’s body before picking up the pump handle.
2003: A Taiwanese man who suffered from a severe cough for many years was cured when surgeons removed a sewing needle from his back. The man could not recall ever feeling a needle sticking him in the back, but his wife said she had lost a needle on their bed several years earlier. Doctors said the needle irritated the man’s lungs.
2004: During the Super Bowl halftime show, in what was termed a “wardrobe malfunction,” singer Janet Jackson’s breast was exposed, resulting in a $550,000 fine against CBS’ parent company, Viacom.
2006: A 100-pound woman ate 26 grilled cheese sandwiches in 10 minutes at a New York restaurant to win the World Grilled Cheese Eating Championship. Sonya Thomas won $8,000 but said she was disappointed in her performance. She wanted to eat 30 sandwiches. Thomas held other eating records, including 46 dozen oysters in 10 minutes, 11 pounds of cheesecake in 9 minutes, 48 chicken tacos in 11 minutes, and 37 hot dogs and buns in 12 minutes.
2007: Antonio Vasconcelos, born in Cancun, Mexico, was an enormous 22 inches long and weighed 14 and-a-half pounds! “Super Tonio” had to wear diapers designed for 6-month-olds. Doctors said he was relatively healthy, but his blood sugar was higher than the average newborn.
TODAY IN CHRISTIAN HISTORY
524: Brigit, founder of a monastery at Kildare and considered the “second patron saint of Ireland,” dies.
1516: Desiderius Erasmus dedicates his “amendment” of Jerome’s Latin (Vulgate) translation of the Bible to Pope Leo X. Perhaps because his work was so politically risky, he assured the pontiff, “We do not intend to tear up the old and commonly accepted edition [the Vulgate], but amend it where it is corrupt, and make it clear where it is obscure.” Luther, Tyndale and other Protestants based their vernacular versions on the translations and hailed Erasmus’s calls for reform.
1650: French philosopher Rene Descartes dies. Though more famous for his saying, “Cogito ergo sum” (I think, therefore I am), he followed that statement with a logical argument for the existence of God. In essence, he argued that the idea of God, a perfect being, could only be caused by that perfect God. Though fellow philosopher-mathematician-scientist Blaise Pascal (an avid Christian) considered Descartes a mere Deist, “letting [God] give a tap to set the world in motion,” Descartes repeatedly wrote about his devotion to Roman Catholicism.
1750: John Newton (ex-slaver and author of the hymn “Amazing Grace” marries Mary Catlett.
1763: Thomas Campbell, founder of the Disciples of Christ (which flourished under the leadership of his son, Alexander), is born. A popular itinerant preacher, he sought to unite Christians under a common, simple confession of Christ as Lord and immersion baptism.
1810: Charles Lenox Remond, a black abolitionist preacher who supported slave uprisings and the use of violence to end slavery, is born in Salem, Massachusetts.
1834: African Methodist Episcopal bishop Henry McNeal Turner is born a free African-American at Newberry Courthouse, South Carolina. One of the denomination’s leaders during Reconstruction, he is considered a precursor of later black theology for his statement, “God is a Negro.” He was also the first black chaplain in the U.S. Army.
1862: Ardent abolitionist Julia Ward Howe publishes “Battle Hymn of the Republic” in The Atlantic Monthly.
1862: Missionary James Stewart meets his hero, missionary-explorer David Livingstone in the heart of Africa.
1933: Bonhoeffer gives a radio speech warning about the consequences of putting blind trust in any man (i.e.: Hitler). Studio executives cut out the warning. Bonhoeffer was later executed by the Nazis for his resistance.
HOLLYWOOD, SPORTS AND CELEBRITY FIGURE BIRTHDAYS
- actor (“City Guys”, “Grounded for Life”) Jarrett Lennon 34
- comedian (Jury Duty, Bio-Dome, Son in Law) Pauly Shore 48
- singer/celebrity daughter Lisa Marie Presley 48
- actress (“Rude Awakening”, “Gilmore Girls”, “Boston Public”) Sherilyn Fenn 50 (
- Princess Stephanie of Monaco 51
(Music Artist Birthdays From SongFacts.com)
1934 : Bob Shane (The Kingston Trio)
1937 : Don Everly (The Everly Brothers)
1937 : Ray Sawyer (Dr. Hook and the Medicine Show)
1938 : Jimmy Carl Black (Mothers of Invention)
1939 : Del McCoury
1939 : Joe Sample
1944 : Tommy Duffy (Lindisfarne)
1948 : Rick James
1951 : Rich Williams (Kansas)
1951 : Fran Christina (The Fabulous Thunderbirds)
1954 : Mike Campbell (Tom Petty & The Heartbreakers)
1968 : Lisa Marie Presley
1969 : Patrick Wilson (Weezer)
1975 : Big Boi (Outkast)
SECRETS OF THE UNIVERSE
Why do we swear in U.S. Presidents on January 20th?
The new president used to take office on March 4. But in 1932, the occupant of the White House, Herbert Hoover, helpless to stop the nation’s slide into Depression, was thoroughly repudiated at the polls. Then, with the country falling apart, Hoover remained in command for another four months while things drifted. That’s what spurred a change in the changeover date to the current January 20. Poor Hoover. Things were so bad they were calling encampments of the homeless, “Hoovervilles.” By the time March 4 arrived, he wasn’t a lame duck; he was a dead duck!
CHRISTIAN ARTIST NEWS
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Jamie Grace tweeted at 2am this week: I need some serious life advice. I’m extremely tired. But I’m too cold to sleep. My hoodie is across the room. But I’m too tired to go get it. ..what should I do? After words of encouragement from her social media followers Jamie finally braved the cold floors and got her hoodie.
Hawk Nelson’s Jon Steingard is now a home owner. Jon followed the Lord’s call to LA early last year but lived with friends and then in an apartment. Now he and his wife have their own home. Jon shared a short video tour this week of Casa de Steingard, established in 2016.
The Rhett Walker Band will soon be no more. The members of the band announced this week on Facebook that the will play their last show on February 20. In making the announcement, the band said: This is not a decision we made easily, not a plan we strategically made or a thing where we just woke up and decided to be done from. The road we were on didn’t have room for trucks like us. So we made a decision to shut the door on RWB. As part of their final weeks, the members of the Rhett Walker Band will be auctioning some of the things they have used on the road over the past three years like merch backdrops and so on. They wrapped up the announcement by saying: We can’t speak enough about how great yall were and are. We were thankful to share this little piece of time with you.
Michael W Smith is celebrating the birth of another grandson. He posted a picture of the new born baby on Wednesday and said: Here with Anthony Lewis Mooring, who came into our world this afternoon. Blessed beyond measure.
The Cobb Life Magazine has named Third Day the best local artist or band in the Marietta, Georgia area. In announced the designation, the magazine said: Between seasons of touring, recording and working on solo projects, the members of Third Day, Mac Powell, Mark Lee and David Carr, are easy to spot at the same restaurants, stores and schools we all frequent. And the only entourage they bring around here are their wives and kids.
Jamie Grace will be cheering for the Panthers in this years Superbowl. She tweeted: though I’ll be wearin my Dallas Cowboys jersey on Superbowl Sunday, Cameron Newton is from Atlanta. so I’m gonna root for the Panthers.
Kutless member James Mead is from the West Coast but he won’t be signing the petition attempting to ban Panthers quarterback Cam Newton from ever visiting Seattle. The petition was started by an emotionally wounded Seahawks fan after Newton was seen throwing a Seahawks flag to the turf following the Panthers defeat of Seattle in the Divisional Round of the NFC playoffs. After hearing of the petition, James Mead posted: knock it off with the “ban-Cam” petition! We’re better than that. Let’s be gracious hosts next time Panthers are in Seattle!
Newsboys key board player Jeff Frankenstein was celebrating an anniversary last week. He tweeted: My sweet mom just reminded me that it was on this day, 22 years ago that I moved to Nashville and hit the road with the Newsboys.
Mercyme bass player Barry Graul might need to work on his technique before the next snow hits Nashville. Barry shared a video as he tried to surf down a snow covered hill by standing on a sled. The good news is that Barry is still in one piece with all limbs still intact. The bad news: his form still needs quite a bit of work. Barry spent more time off the sled than on it.
Jordan Feliz says his young daughter is not a fan of the cold. Jordan shared a picture as he and his family spent some time in the snow that fell on Nashville over the past week. However, Jordan’s daughter was unamused. She had a very serious face as Jordan took a picture of the three of them laying in the snow.
(No news on the weekends. Audio clips are only valid for a few days before being removed from our servers.)
NEW NEWS KICKERS…
NBC has announced the cast of “The Celebrity Apprentice” with new host Arnold Schwarzenegger. The competitors will include Laila Ali, Snooki, Boy George, Carnie Wilson, Vince Neil and Jon Lovitz. ***It’s rumored that The Donald’s hair might make a cameo in the first episode.
You’ve probably noticed something odd about Super Bowl 50: the fact that’s it’s Super Bowl 50 and not Super Bowl L. The NFL didn’t just decide to use the Arabic numeral 50 to set this milestone game apart. The league was also worried about aesthetics and mockery. NFL creative director Shandon Melvin says “L immediately brought up so many negative connotations.” Melvin pointed out that making an L-shape with one’s fingers has been the universal sign for “loser.” Also it was hard to use in a logo. However, Melvin says traditionalists shouldn’t worry. The lack of a Roman Numeral is just a one-time thing. ***Personally, I’d like to keep the Roman Numerals as far away as possible; every year I have to go online to look up what all those X’s and I’s mean.
Paul Kantner, a founding member of Jefferson Airplane – later to become Jefferson Starship – has died at age 74. *** That’s odd, I thought he died along with his credibility once they came out with “We Built This City On Rock & Roll!”
Chipotle will close its chain of restaurants on February 8th to talk with their employees about food safety. ***They’re waiting Feb 8th then for the meeting because they still need a bit more time to figure out the definition of the unfamiliar phrase “food safety.”
NEWS KICKER EVERGREENS…
How would you feel if Punxsutawney Phil was replaced with a robot? Animal rights groups want organizers of Pennsylvania’s Groundhog Day festival to replace Punxsutawney Phil with a robotic stand-in. People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals says it’s unfair to keep the animal in captivity and subject him to the huge crowds and bright lights that accompany tens of thousands of revelers each Feb. 2 in Punxsutawney, a tiny borough about 65 miles northeast of Pittsburgh. ***MARLAR: The rest of us think it’s unfair to keep us captive to PETA’s obtuse opinions.
Research shows that King Tut may have died in a chariot accident. *** Etching hieroglyphics while driving. Typical teenager.
A team of Chinese scientists found in tests on 57 drinks that Sprite performed the best in relieving the alcohol-related symptoms. ***MARLAR: Hmmm… so then, what kind of alcohol goes best with Sprite?
A spoonful of sugar makes the willpower go up, according to a series of studies that have suggested fueling the brain with sweets can strengthen self-control. You don’t even need to swallow to get the benefits of sweetness. Simply swishing a glucose-laden drink in the mouth and spitting it out boosted self-control and willpower for tasks from squeezing a handgrip to completing impossible brain teasers. ***MARLAR: Here’s my problem…what I need willpower for is to stay away from sugary drinks. So NOW what?
CLICK HERE TO DOWNLOAD TODAY’S EPISODE… “Chili”
DAILY COMEDY CLIP
CLICK HERE TO DOWNLOAD TODAY’S EPISODE… Jeff Allen, “Dry Heat”
AS THE JUNGLE TURNS – WEEKDAY VERSION
CLICK HERE TO DOWNLOAD MONDAY’S EPISODE
OPEN: When last we left the jungle, Gruffy Bear was helping out a friend’s bowling team by filling in for an absent player. He was bowling well… so well in fact that he threw three strikes in a row to win the game and move on to the next round! Unfortunately, that would mean he’d have to cancel his checkers game with Sully… for the third time!
CLOSE: Boy, Sully sure is being understanding about all of this. This is the third time that Gruffy has postponed their checkers game! But it’s great to hear Gruffy is doing so well at the bowling alley! Tune in again next time, as FancyMonkey.com, (Show Name), and (Station Call Letters) bring you As the Jungle Turns!
AS THE JUNGLE TURNS – SATURDAY/SUNDAY VERSION
CLICK HERE TO DOWNLOAD THE EPISODE FOR THE WEEKEND OF FEBRUARY 06/07
OPEN: And now, FancyMonkey.com, (Show Name), and (Station Call Letters) bring you As the Jungle Turns! Last time, Louis the lion – made king of the jungle by all the rest of the animals – found out that being king is a really big responsibility, and decided he didn’t want to be king any longer. So now all of the animals are out looking for a new animal to take over the throne – and it’s not going well!
CLOSE: Sounds like they’re getting closer to finding a king… at least they’ve found some kingly, uh… stuff. Tune in again next time for another episode of As the Jungle Turns!
***You may simulcast “As the Jungle Turns” on the Internet stream of your live broadcast only. Any other Internet use of “As the Jungle Turns” in whole or part including podcasting of your live broadcast is a violation of copyright law. Thank you for your cooperation on this vitally important issue. If you have any questions, please e-mail us and ask about “Jungle Jam & Friends the Radio Show” usage.
MOMENT OF DUH
Ever done anything desperate to get some sleep? How about almost killing someone?
In Germany, 17-year-old Frederik Moelner actually unplugged his hospital neighbor’s life support machine because he said the noise was keeping him awake. Fred said he had been trying to sleep as he recovered from a car crash but the noise of the life support machine that was keeping 76-year-old Hermann Berghof alive kept waking him up. Fortunately the medical staff acted promptly and reconnected the life support machine.
TOP TEN INDICATIONS YOUR SUPER BOWL PARTY IS HOSTED BY GEEKS
- Betting pool requires Phd. in mathematics to figure out winner.
- Plays re-enacted in scale model of stadium built with LEGO bricks.
- Everyone more interested in updating Wikipedia page with game’s final score than actually watching the game.
- Somebody openly wonders why the quarterback isn’t allowed a saving throw after being sacked.
- You have to listen to 3-hour lecture on the aerodynamics of a football before the game.
- It’s hard to see the TV through the webcam.
- People would rather watch game on their phones and play games on the HDTV.
- Heated arguments over which team is best turn out to be about Warcraft guilds.
- Banner has Super Bowl number in hexadecimal instead of roman numerals.
- No one mentions that they played football in high school.
THE FILES OF LAW & DISORDER
Want to have a successful heist? You need to provide your own getaway car and driver.
FILE #1: Two Albanian men carrying stolen computers and flat-screen televisions worth $13,000 flagged down a Berlin, Germany, taxi to transport their loot home. The taxi driver first helped the thieves load bulky boxes of stolen goods in front of a law office at about 1am and then drove them to their apartment. After collecting his fare and a generous tip, the taxi driver notified the police who later raided the apartment and found other stolen items from previous burglaries.
FILE #2: In Henderson, Nevada, 61-year-old Douglas Hoffman really wanted his room with a view. He was just sentenced to five years in prison for staging a small-scale terror campaign among his neighbors to get it. At first, Douglas illegally cut down a group of trees to get a better view from his home of the Las Vegas Strip. However, to mask his own vandalism, he then destroyed over 500 trees in the neighborhood according to prosecutors. He then sent threatening notes suggesting that an extremist militia would continue to attack his neighbor’s property, finally promising “chemical, biological and nuclear mass destruction.”
FILE #3: Call it fate, bad luck, or just a coincidence, but two men tried to rob a liquor store at the same time. Both were carrying guns. They approached the counter at the same time. One of the robbers pulled out his gun and told the clerk to hand over the money in the drawer. The other robber pulled out his gun and pointed it at the first robber and exclaimed “Hey, you can’t rob this store, I’m here to do the same.” The two robbers argued back and forth and finally agreed to split the proceeds. They then both lowered their weapons. Unfortunately for them, another man, standing behind them, had his gun pointed in their direction. Surely there couldn’t be a third man trying to rob the store at the same time, right? Well, no! The third man turned out to be an off duty policeman moonlighting as the store’s security officer. The security guard placed them under house arrest until police arrived. They were charged and later convicted of attempted armed robbery.
STRANGE LAW: Persons classified as “ugly” may not walk down any street in San Francisco.
THIS IS YOUR BRAIN ON DRUGS
A Georgia man, Raphael Rashad Bolden, was caught trying to swallow a $5 bag of marijuana in court. The same court where Raphael was being tried on stolen property charges.
What’s the last romantic thing your significant other did for you?
BIBLE BRAIN BUSTER!
QUESTION: How long was Moses on the top of Mt. Sinai to receive and write down the commandments and detailed instructions?
ANSWER: 40 days (and 40 nights). See Exodus 24:18.
QUESTION: What’s the average number of times a greeting card is picked up and read before someone purchases it?
TRUE OR FALSE
Pay attention! If our next player doesn’t answer all ten T/F questions correctly we start all over from question #1! First person to answer question #10 correctly is our winner!
- The first fast-food chain was McDonalds. (False, White Castle)
- You would have found the famed “Murderer’s Row” at Fenway Park. (False, Yankees Stadium)
- Farsi is the official language of Iraq. (False, Iran)
- Napoleon, Genghis Khan, Mao Tse-Tung and modern military leaders used Sun Tzu’s war manual. (True)
- During the early days of the Gold Rush in California, a glass of whiskey cost $7! (True)
- The largest cattle farm in America is in Hawaii. (True)
- In Puerto Rico, wiggling one’s nose means roughly the same thing as cursing someone out. (False, it basically means about the same thing as saying, “What’s going on?”)
- Back in the 1920s, the word “flipper” was slang for pocketwatch. (False, but the word “turnip” was!)
- Texas produces more wool than any other state in the country. (True, west central Texas is the top sheep growing area in the country.)
- Daytime dramas are called Soap Operas because they were originally used to advertise soap powder. (True… in America in the early days of TV, advertisers would write stories around the use of their soap powder.)
TABLOID MATCH GAME
You have to match the blank in the tabloid headline with the word or phrase that has been removed!
NEW YORK TAKES GUNS AWAY FROM ________ (OFFICERS)
Mayor Bloomberg and NYPC Police Chief Ray Kelly have decided to take all the guns away from NY C police officers.
In an effort to curb gun violence, Mayor Bloomberg announced that NYPD officers will no longer carry guns. ”We feel that guns should be removed from all aspects of life. If there are no guns, there will be not deaths caused by guns. It’s that simple,” Bloomberg reportedly told the press on Sunday.
Bloomberg repeatedly mentioned that there are no guns in England and that police officers in London do not have guns either. ”They manage fine without guns. I think that by doing this, we will have a safer, more peaceful city.”
THE WAY TOO EARLY IN THE MORNING TO UNDERSTAND THE PUNCHLINE EVEN AFTER TWO CUPS OF COFFEE JOKE OF THE DAY
Two Mississippians are walking toward each other, and one is carrying a sack. When they meet, one says, “Hey, Tommy Ray, whatcha got in the bag?”
“Jes’ some chickens.”
“If I guesses how many they is, kin I have one?”
“Shoot, if ya guesses right, I’ll give you both of ’em.”
Finding a bright spot in the ominous task known variously these days as “rightsizing” or “workplace reengineering” isn’t easy. But one consultant brought in to help remaining managers through the process of reducing the workforce while maintaining productivity added a contemporary twist to the old classic question.
“What does the optimist say about the glass and the water?” he asked.
“It’s half full,” was the reply!
“And what does the pessimist say?” he queried.
“It’s half empty.”
“And, what does the process re-engineer have to say about it?”
Silence – until the consultant revealed the new additional answer: “Looks like you’ve got twice as much glass as you need there!”
At a business conference in Montpelier, Vermont, the state tax commissioner asked the audience which sort of taxation they found fairest.
There was a pause, and then a white-haired man in the back raised his hand. “The poll tax,” he said.
“But the poll tax was repealed,” replied the commissioner. “Ay-ah,” declared the man, “that’s what I like about it.”
A Swedish study suggests that putting fertilizer in forests can slow the greenhouse effect. ***MARLAR: And since animals live and do their business in the woods anyway, we should have nothing to worry about! WE’RE SAVED!
A British company has developed a bacteria-retarding line of underwear that you can wear for days without having to wash. ***MARLAR: Impressive… although you have to wonder why scientists would feel an invention of this type would even be necessary. Is there a huge underwear shortage in Britain that I’ve not heard about?
IF MEN GOT PREGNANT
Maternity leave would last two years….with full pay.
There would be a cure for stretch marks.
Natural childbirth would become obsolete.
Morning sickness would rank as the nation’s #1 health problem.
Children would be kept in the hospital until toilet trained.
Men would be eager to talk about commitment.
They wouldn’t think twins were so cute.
Briefcases would be used as diaper bags.
Paternity suits would be a fashion line of clothes.
They’d stay in bed during the entire pregnancy.
Restaurants would include ice cream and pickles as main entrees.
Women would rule the world.
IT MUST BE TRUE BECAUSE I HEARD IT ON THE RADIO!
An annual liar’s contest banned one group of people from participating – politicians!
Every year Burlington, Wisconsin holds a World Champion Liar competition. They’ve been doing it for 70 years, and every year the lies seem to get better and better. The Burlington Liars Club, which holds the competition, even has a fan club, which is $1 to join. Of course, people keep sending the organization blank envelopes and then say the dollar was in there – after all, it’s a liar’s club, so why not lie about sending the club dues, right? Up until recently there was only one rule to get into the competition: you couldn’t lie about people, because they didn’t want anyone getting hurt, even emotionally. But in 2001 they added one more rule. You can’t be a politician. ***MARLAR: Apparently, politicians get in too much practice throughout the rest of the year.
LIVE A LIFE THAT MATTERS
Ready or not, someday it will all come to an end. There will be no more sunrises, no minutes, hours or days.
All the things you collected, whether treasured or forgotten, will pass to someone else. Your wealth, fame and temporal power will shrivel to irrelevance.
It will not matter what you owned or what you were owed. Your grudges, resentments, frustrations, and fears will finally disappear.
So, too, your hopes, ambitions, plans, and to-do lists will expire. The wins and losses that once seemed so important will fade away.
It won’t matter where you came from, or on what side of the tracks you lived, at the end.
It won’t matter whether you were beautiful or brilliant. Even your gender and skin color will be irrelevant.
So what will matter? How will the value of your days be measured?
What will matter is not what you bought, but what you built; not what you got, but what you gave.
What will matter is not your success, but your significance.
What will matter is not what you learned, but what you taught.
What will matter is every act of integrity, compassion, courage or sacrifice that enriched, empowered or encouraged others to emulate your example.
What will matter is not your competence, but your character.
What will matter is not how many people you knew, but how many will feel a lasting loss when you’re gone.
What will matter is not your memories, but the memories that live in those who loved you.
What will matter is how long you will be remembered, by whom and for what.
Living a life that matters doesn’t happen by accident. It’s not a matter of circumstance but of choice.
DRIVE TIME DEVOTIONAL
Distinguish between holy and unholy, and between unclean and clean. —Leviticus 10:10
Whenever my husband and I leave the house, our dog Maggie goes sniffing for old shoes and dirty laundry. She surrounds herself with what she finds and then sleeps with it near her nose. The familiar smells comfort her until we return.
Of course Maggie doesn’t realize she’s following a levitical command to “distinguish between . . . unclean and clean” (Leviticus 10:10). Nor does she know she’s violating it.
In a world still swirling in sin long after its catastrophic collision with evil, God commanded His followers to live holy lives (Leviticus 11:45). Distinguishing between clean and unclean is essential to that task.
Such discernment requires more than finely tuned physical senses. The apostle Paul wrote that the “natural man”—that is, a human being in his sinful state—”does not receive the things of the Spirit of God . . . ; they are spiritually discerned” (1 Corinthians 2:14). It is the Holy Spirit who provides this wisdom (v.13).
Just as Maggie finds comfort in old shoes and socks, many people seek comfort in old dirty sins. We must be mindful that our comfort and consolation come from God, who loves us and who establishes us in “every good word and work” (2 Thessalonians 2:16-17). —Julie Ackerman Link
Search me, O God, and know my heart today;
Try me, O Savior, know my thoughts, I pray.
See if there be some wicked way in me;
Cleanse me from every sin and set me free. —Orr
© 1966, Singspiration, Inc.
There is no true happiness apart from holiness, and no holiness apart from Christ.
THERE’S A FLAG ON THE PLAY
The parents of Patrick Griffiths, a senior at Mira Costa High School in Torrance, Calif., are demanding that the school strike the 17-year-old boy’s recent suspension from his academic record so it won’t impede his college career.
…Griffiths was suspended for two days when he declined to be crowned homecoming king at the homecoming football game because he thinks it’s a “meaningless popularity contest”. He thus “willfully defied the valid authority of supervisors, teachers, administrators, school officials or other school personnel engaged in the performance of their duties,” said the suspension papers. (Torrance Daily Breeze)
LIFE… LIVE IT
MEET ME IN THE HUMOR SECTION
by Michael Webb
An interesting idea on how to have a fun and inexpensive date just by going to a bookstore.
A large bookstore is within walking distance from our home. The store has it all – a music section, magazines, computer software and a nice cafe. Sometimes Athena and I walk over there for a “date”. We spend time browsing in our favorite sections, coming back together every 15 minutes or so to report on what we’ve been reading. Some of the areas we will explore together like the travel books or the humor section. It’s fun to take a book on jokes or poetry and read aloud to each other. When we get tired of reading, we head over to the music area. Here you can don some headphones and listen to 20 different CDs that are being featured. At some time during our “date” we plop down at the cafe and converse over a cup of hot tea, hot chocolate or a flavored cold spritzer and perhaps share a dessert. An hour or two in a bookstore helps spark communication between couples. It’s a terrific way to learn more about the interests of your partner and to unwind together. For an upcoming date, consider an hour or two at a local bookstore. If your sweetheart has a shopping addiction, a better alternative might be the library.
JUST FOR FUN
VALENTINE RECIPES – WAY TO A MAN’S HEART
- Jello Jiggler Hearts: Similar to Knox recipe. Use recipe on boxes of Jello. Make jello using 3 small boxes of jello and 3 cups hot water. Set in baking pan with edges. When set cut into shapes with cookie cutter – heart of course is the most popular shape this time of year.
- Heart Sandwiches: Use large heart shaped cookie cutters to cut heart shapes into bread. Spread with your favorite spread (raspberry, strawberry jam) and serve a special lunch this year!!
- Valentine cake: Instead of buying a cake mold for Valentines you probably already have one!! Bake a two layer cake. One in a round pan, one in a square pan. When baked and cool….slice the round one in half. Place each half of the round on two corner of the square and you will have a perfect heart shape. Decorate with icing and imperils.
- Special breakfast: Fry eggs for breakfast inside a large heart shaped cookie cutter placed on a grill. The egg will cook in the shape of the heart!! Dont forget to cut the toast with a heart cookie cutter as well once it is toasted!!
HOW TO KNOW WHEN YOU’RE READY FOR PARENTHOOD
- MESS TEST: Smear peanut butter on the sofa and curtains. Now rub your hands in the wet flower bed and rub on the walls. Cover the stains with crayons. Place a fish stick behind the couch and leave it there all summer.
- TOY TEST: Obtain a 55-gallon box of LEGOs. (If LEGOs are not available, you may substitute roofing tacks or broken bottles.) Have a friend spread them all over the house. Put on a blindfold. Try to walk to the bathroom or kitchen. Do not scream (this could wake a child at night).
- GROCERY STORE TEST: Borrow one or two small animals (goats are best) and take them with you as you shop at the grocery store. Always keep them in sight and pay for anything they eat or damage.
- DRESSING TEST: Obtain one large, unhappy, live octopus. Stuff it into a small net bag making sure that all arms stay inside.
- FEEDING TEST: Obtain a large plastic milk jug. Fill it halfway with water. Suspend from the ceiling with a stout cord. Get the jug swinging. Try to insert spoonfuls of soggy cereal (such as Fruit Loops or Cheerios) into the mouth of the jug while pretending to be an airplane. Now dump the contents of the jug on the floor.
- NIGHT TEST: Prepare by obtaining a small cloth bag and fill it with 8 to 12 pounds of sand. Soak it thoroughly in water. At 8 PM begin to waltz and hum with the bag until 9 PM. Lay down your bag and set your alarm for 10:00 PM. Get up, pick up your bag, and sing every song you have ever heard. Make up about a dozen more and sing them until 4:00 AM. Set alarm for 5:00 AM. Get up and make breakfast. Keep this up for 5 years. Look cheerful.
- PHYSICAL TEST (WOMEN): Obtain a large beanbag chair and attach it to the front of your clothes. Leave it there for 9 mo. Now remove 10% of the beans.
- PHYSICAL TEST (MEN): Go to the nearest drug store. Set your wallet on the counter. Ask the clerk to help himself. Now proceed to the nearest food store. Go to the head office and arrange for your paycheck to be directly deposited to the store. Purchase a newspaper. Go home and read it quietly for the last time.
- FINAL ASSIGNMENT: Find a couple who already has a small child. Lecture them on how they can improve their child’s discipline, patience, tolerance, toilet training, and table manners. Suggest many things they can improve as well. Emphasize to them that they should never allow their children to run riot. Enjoy this experience. It will be the last time you’ll have all the answers.
MORE SHOW PREP STUFF…
Here’s something to keep in mind as we approach Valentines Day. A simple hug can save your life. Experts say oxytocin, or what they call the ‘love hormone’, increases during a hug, causing a calming effect. In fact, the effects from one hug in the morning lasted throughout a tough work day.
OTHER STUFF I WANT TO CRAM INTO TODAY’S PREP
Each year, in partnership with American Bible Society, Barna ranks the nation’s top markets based on their level of Bible engagement. The study is based on individuals who report reading the Bible in a typical week and who strongly assert the Bible is accurate in the principles it teaches are considered to be Bible-minded. As in previous years, the South remains the most Bible-minded region of the country, with all of the top 10 cities located below the Mason-Dixon line. Chattanooga, Tennessee reclaimed its title as the most Bible-minded city in America. Fifty-two percent of its population qualifies as Bible-minded. The least Bible-minded city in 2016—Albany/Schenectady/Troy, New York—moved up one spot from last year to claim the crown, with only 10 percent of residents qualifying as Bible-minded. ***What about Chicago? #78 out of 100 with only 20% being biblically-minded. Lots of room left for evangelism!
Would you believe a new Beatrix Potter book is on the way? Peter Rabbit makes an appearance in a recently discovered Beatrix Potter story to be published later this year — more than 100 years after it was written. According to the Good News Network, Potter, who created Peter Rabbit and dozens of other beloved characters in her 23 children’s books, sent “The Tale of Kitty-in-Boots” to her publisher in 1914, saying it was the story of “a well-behaved prime black Kitty cat, who leads rather a double life.” World War I, along with family and health issues interrupted Potter and her publisher and she never completed the illustrations for the book. A publisher Jo Hanks stumbled onto a reference about the lost book in an old biography of Potter and after some detective work, was able to track down three versions of the manuscript.
Susan Jordan, the principal at an Indiana elementary school, is a hero. Sadly, she died last week.. B t she did so saving two students from a runaway bus. She was helping a group of students on their bus home when another bus jumped the curb. Witnesses say she pushed two 10-year-old students out of the way, saving their lives and sacrificing her own. Responders rushed the students to a nearby hospital, where they are in critical condition but expected to make a full recovery. Read the story of this hero…
6 Steps to Financial Independence
- Know your limits.
- Stay away from debt.
- Stop caring what your friends think.
- Parents are not a personal bank.
- The borrower is slave to the lender.
AND I LEAVE YOU WITH THIS THOUGHT
Last night I was stuck at my friend’s house watching home videos of their vacation to Florida. Bo-rr-inggg! Anyway, in almost every single scene of the beach I saw people with their babies. Why? Babies don’t need a vacation. But you still see them at the beach. What’s that all about? I figure if I ever visit Florida, when no one’s looking I’ll go over to a baby and ask, ‘What are you doing here? You haven’t worked a day in your life.'”
THE TICKET Movie Reviews with MARIE ASNER
Marie Asner has been reviewing films for over 30 years. Her outlets include radio, print and Internet. For more in-depth movie reviews of the following films, visit www.Tollbooth.org. Ratings from 1 (Low) to 5 (High).
JANUARY 29, 2016…
*Note: Yet again, moved from an earlier date: Jane Got A Gun—This western is set back in pioneer days and tells the story of Jane (Natalie Portman and she fought bad guys in “Star Wars“), who is married and lives on a nice, little ranch. She catches the eye of the bad guy (Ewan McGregor) and he ends up wounding her husband. Jane needs help, so goes to an old boyfriend, Joel Edgerton, and then the battle begins. “Jane Got A Gun” is rated PG 13. Rating of 2 for fans of the stars.
The Finest Hours—Based on a real disaster in the seas around 1952, the Coast Guard finished a climactic rescue against all odds. The 2009 book by M. J. Tougias tells the story, also. If you want to know what terrible storms on the seas are like, also see “The Perfect Storm” film starring George Clooney. No picnic. This film stars Chris Pine, Casey Affleck, Eric Bana and Ben Foster. “The Finest Hours” is rated R. Rating of 3.
Kung Fu Panda 3—Yes, even the sequel has a sequel. Can’t keep a good Panda down. In this movie Poo has to travel to meet his biological father because there has been an arranged marriage between Poo and another Panda. In the meantime, there is a villain lurking about, as always. Jack Black is the voice of Poo, and other actors voices include Angelina Jolie, Dustin Hoffman, Jackie Chan and Seth Rogen. “Kung Fu Panda 3” is rated PG. Rating of 3.
50 Shades Of Black—It had to happen. Marlon Wayans both stars and puts together this parody of “50 Shades of Gray,” only this time the cast is African-American. A rough edge on the comedy. Stars include Kali Hawk, Marlon Wayans, Jane Seymour and Mike Epps. “50 Shades Of Black” is rated R. No rating.
Lazer Team—A science fiction comedy, this plot has a group of average citizens finding a space ship with space suits inside. Of course, they don’t know how to operate anything, but try to help people anyway. This cast has Alan Ritchson, Irina Voronina and Colton Dunn. “Lazer Team” is rated PG 13. No rating.
The Pastor—No rating on this yet, but could be PG 13. “The Pastor” is a story of a former gang member, released from prison, who begins a church in a Hispanic gang neighborhood. Problems happen that are difficult to deal with and test his faith. The cast has Franky G, Victoria Cartagena and Angelic Zambiana. No rating.
FEBRUARY 05, 2016…
The Choice is a drama with romance about two people and love at first sight. Stars Benjamin Walker and Teresa Palmer.
Hail! Caesar is a comedy by the Coen Brothers concerning the kidnapping of a Hollywood star. The cast includes George Clooney and Josh Brolin.
Pride and Prejudice and Zombies and you read that right. Loosely—quite loosely—adapted from the Jane Austen book, Lily James (“Downton Abbey”) and her sisters wear corsets and battle evil.
Regression is a thriller about a man who doesn’t remember abusing his daughter. Stars include Ethan Hawke, David Dencik and Emma Watson.
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