February 02, 2017: Thursday ONAIRprep

PRINT VERSION OF TODAY’S PREP: 20170202

***DAILY DOSE OF WEIRD NEWS! (As an ONAIRprep subscriber, you can gain access to all of the work parts for the Daily Dose of Weird News, allowing you to edit for length and content – and also receive a custom tag specifically for your station or show which you can have updated at any time… ABSOLUTELY FREE! It’s part of your subscription now! Email me to get FTP access and your free customized tag!)

WELCOME TO THE SHOW!

We live in a bizarre world, don’t we? We have barometers, radar, Doppler, Interactive, and satellites. Then we wait for some ugly ground rat to come out of a hole and tell us when Spring is coming. Happy Groundhog Day.

(NOTE: THIS IS PREDICATE ON PHIL SEEING HIS SHADOW TODAY!) Yes, Punxatawney Phil did see his shadow… and predicted six more weeks of Weight Watchers.

(NOTE: THIS IS PREDICATE ON PHIL SEEING HIS SHADOW TODAY!) You’ve probably already heard that Punxsutawney Phil the groundhog emerged from his burrow, saw his shadow, and predicted six more weeks of cold winter weather. *** See, another weather expert who doesn’t buy global warming.

BIBLE VERSE OF THE DAY

“In everything, do to others what you would have them do to you, for this sums up the Law and the prophets.” –Matthew 7:12

Hear, O Israel: The Lord our God, the Lord is one. Love the Lord you God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your strength. — Deuteronomy 6:4-5

He did this so that all the peoples of the earth might know that the hand of the LORD is powerful and so that you might always fear the LORD your God. — Joshua 4:24

HEARTLIGHT DAILY VERSE, PRAYER & THOUGHT

(From VerseOfTheDay.com.)

Dear friends, let us love one another, for love comes from God. Everyone who loves has been born of God and knows God. — 1 John 4:7

Thought: The old song says, “Where oh where is love?” Love is with God. Love comes from God. Love is the key attribute of God. Love is from God. Love is of God. You want to be more loving? You want to find greater intensity in your love? You want to know how to love others who are hard to love? Look to God. But, where do we see God most clearly? Jesus! So look at how God has demonstrated his love through Jesus and do likewise!

Prayer: Holy God, I want to show that you are my Father by loving others more perfectly. Please bless me as I seek to follow Jesus’ example in treating others with love. In the name of the Lord Jesus I pray. Amen.

The Thoughts and Prayers for Today’s Verse are written by Phil Ware. You can email questions or comments to phil@heartlight.org.

BIRTHDAY VERSE” OF THE DAY (The chapter and verse correspond to the month and day!)

1 John 2:2 NIV = He is the atoning sacrifice for our sins, and not only for ours but also for the sins of the whole world.

TODAY IS THURSDAY – FEBRUARY 02, 2017

(NOTE: Some holidays may be duplicated due to various calendars reporting conflicting dates)
WEIRD, WACKY, STRANGE, ZANY, ODD, BIZARRE, QUIRKY, UNUSUAL HOLIDAYS!
THERE ARE ONLY
326 SHOPPING DAYS UNTIL CHRISTMAS.

Today is NATIONAL HEAVENLY HASH DAY. ***I find nothing heavenly about hash whatsoever.

Today is SELF-RENEWAL DAY, a time to commit to personal growth. ***I’m always committed to personal growth. In fact, just this year I gained three pounds!

Today is HEDGEHOG DAY, the ancient Roman tradition that inspired Groundhog Day in the U.S.

Today is GROUNDHOG DAY. Legend says, if the groundhog comes out today and sees his shadow, it means six more weeks of winter. Officially – to see a shadow the sun must be shining and the groundhog has to look in the correct direction. The most famous U.S. groundhog is Punxutawney Phil of Pennsylvania. Jimmy the Groundhog is in Wisconsin. Also, a festival is held in the town of Wiarton in Bruce County, Ontario, to honor Groundhog Day. The town has its own groundhog, Wiarton Willie, which it shares with the nation. *** So… if Punxutawney Phil does not see his shadow (meaning an early Spring), but Jimmy the Groundhog does see his shadow (meaning six more weeks of winter), is Wiarton Willie the tie-breaker? (audio clip)

Today is WORLD PLAY YOUR UKULELE DAY. ***Although, wouldn’t this just encourage the groundhog to run back inside?

TODAY IS ALSO…
Ayn Rand Day  Link
Candelmas
Crepe Day
Crepe Day or La Chandeleur Link
Groundhog Day
Groundhog Job Shadow Day
Hedgehog Day
Imbolc
Marmot Day Link
Sled Dog Day: 2
World Play Your Ukulele Day Link
World Wetlands Day Link

COMING UP NEXT (Just a list, we are not endorsing the holidays posted below.)

FRIDAY, FEBRUARY 03

Bubble Gum Day Link 
Give Kids A Smile Day Link
Four Chaplains Memorial Day
National Women’s Physicians Day Link
The Day The Music Died
Wear Red Day
Working Naked Day Link

SATURDAY, FEBRUARY 04

Barber Day
Facebook’s Birthday
Ice Cream For Breakfast Day Link
Take Your Child To The Library Day
Liberace Day
Medjoola Date Day
Quacker Day
USO Day
World Cancer Day Link

SUNDAY, FEBRUARY 05

Adlai Stevenson Day Link
Dump Your Significant Jerk Day
Move Hollywood & Broadway to Lebanon, PA Day
Popcorn Day Link
Shower With A Friend Day Link
Super Bowl 51
Weatherman’s [Weatherperson’s] Day
Western Monarch DayLink
World Nutella Day Link

MONDAY, FEBRUARY 06

Canadian Maple Syrup Day Link
Lame Duck Day
International Day of Zero Tolerance to Female Genital Mutilation Link

TUESDAY, FEBRUARY 07

African American Coaches Day
Ballet Day
Dry Bean Day Link
Black HIV/AIDS Awareness Day Link
“e” Day (math) Link
Laura Ingalls Wilder Day
Man Day
National Periodic Table Day Link
Wave All Your Fingers At Your Neighbor’s Day

WEDNESDAY, FEBRUARY 08

Boy Scout Anniversary Day Link
Laugh and Get Rich Day
Opera Day

ON THIS DAY

1653: New Amsterdam was incorporated. Today it’s called New York City.

1876: The National Baseball League was formed, with teams in Boston, Chicago, Cincinnati, New York, Philadelphia, St. Louis, Louisville, and Hartford.

1881: The first formal church youth organization was established in the Williston Congregational Church in Portland, Maine. Called “Christian Endeavor,” it became the prototype of the modern denominational “youth fellowship.”

1886: Punxutawney, Pennsylvania, observed its first Groundhog Day. The annual trek to Gobbler’s Knob started in 1887.

1936: The five charter members of the new Baseball Hall of Fame were announced at Cooperstown, New York. Of 226 ballots cast, Ty Cobb received 222 votes, Babe Ruth 215, Honus Wagner 215, Christy Matthewson 205, and Walter Johnson 189. At least 170 votes were required for induction.

1956: 1956, Atlantic Records signed the LA doo-wop group the Coasters. The group went on to have a string of top hits, including “Searchin’,” “Yakety Yak,” and “Charlie Brown,” all written by Jerry Leiber and Mike Stoller.

1959: Buddy Holly performed for the last time. At the Surf Ballroom in Clear Lake, Iowa, he played drums for Ritchie Valens, the Big Bopper, and Dion.

1981: Duran Duran released its first single, “Planet Earth.” The group stole its name from the villain in the Jane Fonda movie Barbarella.

1985: Former football star O.J. Simpson married Nicole Brown. In 1995 Simpson was acquitted of the June 1994 murder of Nicole and her friend Ron Goodman.

1993: The U.S. issued patent #5,182,823 to Ron Alsip of Raynham, Massachusetts, for his Toilet Seat Clock, a toilet seat with a clock built into the space normally between one’s legs while sitting on the toilet.

1993: The U.S. issued a patent (#5,182,824) to Nickolas Cipriano of Philadelphia for the Wrestling Bed, a child’s bed with padded corner posts and surrounding ropes to make it resemble a wrestling ring.

1993: First lady Hillary Clinton banned smoking in the White House.

1996: In Coventry, England, when a 4-year-old was awakened by burglars, they told him they were friends of his parents and just came to borrow the TV, VCR, and stereo. The boy was happy to help, held the door open while the burglars carried out the loot, then went back upstairs to bed. The burglars were later caught and the property recovered.

1997: Globo television announced that Brazilians were catching cockroaches by the thousands and selling them to a Rio de Janiero lab involved in allergy research. The lab needed 600-thousand cockroaches and was paying $120 a pound. It takes roughly 54,545 roaches to make a pound.

1998: President Bill Clinton introduced the first U.S. balanced budget in 30 years.

2002: Thirty-year-old Cecilio Emilio Ritz, accused of murder, broke out of Yungay Prison in Santiago, Chile, and went drinking with his buddies at a nearby bar. About three hours later he staggered back to the prison and demanded to be let back in. He walked unsteadily to his cell and fell asleep.

2002: Britney Spears hosted “Saturday Night Live.”

2004: The Bush administration said a bipartisan commission would investigate why pre-war intelligence reports that Iraq had weapons of mass destruction apparently had been wrong.

TODAY IN CHRISTIAN HISTORY

767: Alcuin, the academic who would later play a large role in establishing schools under Charlemagne, becomes headmaster of York Cathedral School, where he once studied. Alcuin’s curriculum was built on the seven liberal arts: the elementary Trivium (grammar, rhetoric, and dialectic) and the more advanced Quadrivium.

1594: Giovanni F. da Palestrina, the most gifted composer of Renaissance church music passes away.

1745: Popular British poet and dramatist Hannah More is born. She renounced the social life and concentrated on religious efforts, such as setting up Sunday schools. For her work with the Clapham Sect of British social reformers, she was once derisively called “a bishop in petticoats”.

HOLLYWOOD, SPORTS AND CELEBRITY FIGURE BIRTHDAYS

  • actress (“Malcolm in the Middle,” “The Steve Harvey Show”, Dodgeball) Lori Beth Denberg 40 (audio clip)

  • model Christie Brinkley is 62

  • comic (The less-brainy half of the Smothers Brothers) Tom Smothers 79

BEE-BOP BIRTHDAYS

(Music Artist Birthdays From SongFacts.com)

1912 : Burton Lane

1927 : Stan Getz

1932 : Arthur Lyman

1934 : Clyde “Skip” Battin (Skip and Flip)

1940 : Alan Caddy (the Tornados, Johnny Kidd and the Pirates)

1942 : Graham Nash (The Hollies, Crosby, Stills, Nash and Young)

1946 : Howard Bellamy (The Bellamy Brothers)

1947 : Peter Lucia (Tommy James and The Shondells)

1948 : Alan McKay (Earth, Wind & Fire)

1950 : Ross Valory ( Journey, The Steve Miller Band)

1957 : Tony Butler (Big Country)

1966 : Robert DeLeo (Stone Temple Pilots)

1971 : Ben Mize (Counting Crows)

1975 : Billy Mohler (The Calling)

1977 : Shakira

SECRETS OF THE UNIVERSE

Who invented Groundhog Day, and when?

It’s a new millennium. It’s now the 21st Century. We have super-computers running complex weather-forecasting models in real time, yet we ask a two-foot-long member of the squirrel family to consult its shadow on the length of winter. In truth, the groundhog, or woodchuck, is a stand-in for the badger, which German farmers in the 16th century first relied on for long-term forecasting. The custom may have even more ancient origins in a similar pagan ritual called Imbolc that occurred in the dead of winter. But the ancient pagans were decent enough not to bother any hibernating animals in the process. Maybe they just relied on their super-computers.

CHRISTIAN ARTIST NEWS

This is just a tiny sample of the 5-6 pages of material you could be receiving three days a week from ChristianRadioShowPrepServices.com!

The Newsboys introduced their 2-day First Responders campaign this week. For two days, the band gave 1 Ticket to a First Responder for every ticket purchased for their Spring LOVE RIOT tour. They said the goal was to ensure that those who put our safety first are guaranteed a ticket as well! 
https://www.instagram.com/p/BP75nZLFejJ/

 

Sidewalk Prophets front man Dave Frey was celebrating an anniversary this week. He posted: One year ago, I sent the love of my life our first Facebook message and gave her my number. One year down and the rest of my life to go!

 

Relient K announced this week that, due to a family emergency, Matt, the bands lead singer, had to miss Tuesday nights show. They attached a picture of six people, including Switchfoot front man Jon Foreman, and added: This is how many people it takes to fill his shoes, vocally, for the night!  https://twitter.com/relientK/status/826587387610345472/photo/1

 

It’s official. For King and Country posted this week: Today my friends, January 31st, marks the official start of creating Album number 3!

 

Sad news from Matthew West. He announced this week that Alyssa Ferguson has passed away. Her story inspired Matthew’s song “World Changers.” He posted this week: It gives me peace to know that she is now completely healed and full of joy in the presence of Jesus. Earlier today, I had the honor of singing at her memorial service as we celebrated her time here on earth, and I’m confident her story will continue to change the hearts that hear it.
 https://www.instagram.com/p/BP3ptIzDpjA/

NEWS KICKERS

(No news on the weekends. Want a customized audio version, FREE? Email me for more information! )

NEW NEWS KICKERS…

Scientists says that a mysterious sound is being picked up over the Canadian Arctic. ***My guess it’s the Arctic researchers’ teeth chattering.

An 82-year-old man in a small town in Germany finally found the wedding ring he lost three years ago – in his own vegetable garden with a carrot growing through it! Making it even more special, the great “find” happened just after what would have been his 50th wedding anniversary. Sadly, his wife had died six months earlier but had always told him the ring would eventually turn up. The couple’s names were not released but it turns out she was right. ***Either that, or this man’s garden was proposing matrimony.

The British Medical Association has asked its 160,000 members who work in hospitals and general practice across that country not to call pregnant women “mothers” to show sensitivity toward transgender people.  ***And THAT is the insanity we’re living in, in 2017.

Fitbit says it will cut 110 jobs because of falling profits. ***That’s right – our laziness is now causing unemployment.

A New Zealand bride was left devastated and humiliated after her husband-to-be abandoned her the night before their wedding. The jilted bride, Vanessa, said her fiance left the resort the night before the $40,000 wedding without telling anyone — and didn’t return. Despite her own grief she went ahead with the wedding party. Vanessa is now focused on getting her life back on track. She’s selling her pink diamond engagement ring, valued at more than $38,000 as well as her $6,000 wedding dress.  ***She had the party anyway.  Guys – THIS is a girl you marry before somebody else does!  Her fiancé is the loser on this one.

NEWS KICKER EVERGREENS…

It turns out that we all hate the government: A USA TODAY/Bipartisan Policy Center poll ”finds that Americans by more than 2-1 say the best way to make positive changes in society is through volunteer organizations and charities, not by being active in government. Those younger than 30 are particularly put off by politics. They are significantly less likely than their parents to say participating in politics is an important value in their lives.”  ***Now that’s what I call progress!

According to a recent study, 11:17AM is the time of day at which most people are miserable.  ***But cheer up, because LUNCH is in less than an hour and by two you’ll be FAST ASLEEP UNDER YOUR DESK!

Scientists have developed a new surgical knife that can detect cancer while being used.  ***That’s good, but we really need something to detect it before you NEED a surgical knife.

Facebook makes us feel fat. Research by The Center for Eating Disorders discovered that Facebook users are more self-conscious because they constantly see pictures of themselves. Thirty-two percent said they felt “sad” when comparing Facebook photos of themselves to their friends’ photos. The survey also discovered that Facebook is making us feel like we should be “camera ready” at all times. Half of us say we are nervous at social events because photos taken could be posted on Facebook. Forty-three percent avoid photos when we don’t feel we “look our best.”  ***If I were to act that way I’d never feel ready for a photo… I’d half to walk around life wearing a burka.

A recent study shows that mosquitoes prefer to feast on beer-drinkers.   ***However, the study was unable to determine whether it’s because they taste great or are less filling.

AS THE JUNGLE TURNS

CLICK HERE TO DOWNLOAD THURSDAY’S EPISODE

OPEN: And now, FancyMonkey.com, (Show Name), and (Station Call Letters) bring you As the Jungle Turns! Last time, Gruffy Bear built a toll booth on his property – right on the main path through the jungle. 35-cents a pass. But Gruffy let Nozzles get past with just 30-cents, with an I.O.U. of five cents, and he let Hermie the bug through for free! Fortunately, most all the animals had the money, and paid the toll without incident…

CLOSE: So now we have a toll free road, built to avoid the toll road in front of Gruffy’s house – but now Gruffy had removed his toll booth. So now we have two toll-free roads! That’s gotta be good, right? I know… that sounds too easy, doesn’t it? We’ll so how the animals react next time, As the Jungle Turns!

***You may simulcast “As the Jungle Turns” on the Internet stream of your live broadcast only. Any other Internet use of “As the Jungle Turns” in whole or part including podcasting of your live broadcast is a violation of copyright law. Thank you for your cooperation on this vitally important issue. If you have any questions, please e-mail us and ask about “Jungle Jam & Friends the Radio Show” usage.

MOMENT OF DUH

If you were a type of dirt, what kind of dirt would you be?

In May, the New Jersey Assembly voted 75-0 to name an official state dirt. Downer soil is a mixture of grayish brown and sandy dirt that absorbs water well, and the sponsors of the bill say it will help promote Garden State agriculture by making people talk about the farm dirt in a state that’s mostly thought of as urban. But critics called it “borderline ludicrous” and asked if the Assembly didn’t have more pressing issues to address than naming a state dirt.   ***MARLAR: That’s right.  They’re politicians – they shouldn’t be honoring dirt, they should be slinging mud.

TOP TEN

TOP TEN THINGS THAT MEN UNDERSTAND ABOUT WOMEN:
1.
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9.
10.

THE FILES OF LAW & DISORDER

A German police commissioner probably didn’t congratulate his men on their latest arrest.

FILE #1: After a local bank reported a man wearing a ski mask and brandishing a gun had robbed them, the police sprang into action. They found the abandoned getaway car and traced the license plate back to the commissioner’s girlfriend who admitted she had leant it to him for the week. The commissioner’s soon-to-be former co-workers said, “I’m surprised he used his girlfriend’s car though, even the dumbest thieves usually use stolen vehicles.”

FILE #2: If you’re going to rob a place, make sure you have clean socks on. A Russian burglar put socks on his hands to avoid leaving fingerprints at a jewelry store. He was caught only a few hours later. Police believe the dog tracked him down from the smell of the stinky socks that were stuffed in his pockets.

FILE #3: If you plan to go into the field of armed robbery, it’s a good idea to invest in your career by buying the proper tools of the trade.  This is a piece of advice not heeded by Pelham, Georgia’s Marty Simpson.  Instead of spending a couple of bucks on a ski mask, Marty robbed a Georgia convenience store with a milk crate on his head.  Simpson pulled a gun, grabbed the loot and ditched the milk crate in the parking lot, giving everyone outside a good look at his face. The whole stupid incident was caught on surveillance tape and police nabbed him about two hours later.

STRANGE LAW: In Minnesota, a person may not cross-state lines with a duck atop their head.

THIS IS YOUR BRAIN ON DRUGS

A convicted robber thought he could fool his probation officer by submitting someone else’s urine for a court- ordered drug test.

…The test showed that the burly, hairy-chested guy was drug free, but pregnant. So they tested him again, and this time he tested positive for cocaine use. He now faces a year in jail. ***MARLAR: Where I’m sure the other guys will throw him a lovely baby shower.

PHONER PHUN

There was treasure in the tire. Three Indiana state highway workers found a truck tire by I-70, with about $100,000 stuffed inside. The workers were cleaning up roadside trash when they discovered the cash stash. State Police suspect it could be drug money and are investigating. Troopers are also praising the highway crew for turning in the loot. PHONER: What about you? Would you turn in $100,000 if you found it lying somewhere, or would you keep it? What if it was just $1,000? Or $100? What if it was $1,000,000?

BIBLE BRAIN BUSTER!

QUESTION: In Corinth Paul met Aquila and Priscilla who had recently come from what city?

ANSWER: Rome (Acts 18:2)

QUESTION IMPOSSIBLE

QUESTION: What U.S. state has the highest number of cases of sunburn?

ANSWER: Wisconsin

TRUE OR FALSE

Pay attention! If our next player doesn’t answer all ten T/F questions correctly we start all over from question #1! First person to answer question #10 correctly is our winner!

1. People with red hair usually can’t tolerate the smell of popcorn. (False – although in my particular case it happens to be true. This question is directly aimed at our traffic director, whom I know listens to the show religiously.)

2. Male moths can smell female moths from seven miles away. (True)

3. Most odometers in automobiles are off as much as 10 miles per thousand. (False)

4. President Andrew Jackson thought the world was flat. (True)

5. The only sport that is original to the U.S. is Basketball. (True)

6. Barney the dinosaur was originally designed as a kangaroo. (False)

7. The human body contains enough carbon to make more than 1200 #2 pencils. (True)

8. The Hundred Years War lasted more than a hundred years. (True… 116 years)

9. Panama Hats are really not made in Panama. (True… Ecuador)

10. Catgut originally came from cats. (False… it came from sheep and horses)

TABLOID MATCH GAME

You have to match the blank in the tabloid headline with the word or phrase that has been removed!

THE BIG BANG THEORY IS _______ (WRONG)

A top scholar says there are big holes in the big bang theory.

Babu Ranganathan writes:

Big Bang scientists extrapolate a hypothetical scenario from a few facts. Yes, some galaxies are expanding, moving further away, but this is not the case with the entire universe. There are galaxies in the universe running perpendicular to the rest of the galaxies. That’s contrary to Big Bang. If Big Bang really occurred, there should be a uniform distribution of gasses.

This uniform distribution of the gasses would have made sure that the gasses would not have coalesced, due to gravitational attraction, into planets and stars. The hypothesis of dark matter providing enough gravitational force has been recently discredited.

“The (galactic) structures discovered during the past few years, however, are so massive that even if CDM (Cold Dark Matter) did exist, it could not account for their formation” (Dr. Duane T. Gish, “The Big Bang Theory Collapses”). Furthermore, an explosion cannot explain the precise orbits and courses of thousands of billions of stars in thousands of billions of galaxies.

THE WAY TOO EARLY IN THE MORNING TO UNDERSTAND THE PUNCHLINE EVEN AFTER TWO CUPS OF COFFEE JOKE OF THE DAY 

JOKE #1

Nathan had finally made it to the last round of the $64,000 Question. The night before the big question, he told the M.C. that he desired a question on American History. The big night had arrived. Nathan made his way on stage in front of the studio and TV audience. He had become the talk of the week. He was the best guest this show had ever seen. The M.C. stepped up to the microphone…
“Nathan, you have chosen American History as your final question. You know that if you correctly answer this question, you will walk away $64,000 dollars richer. Are you ready?”
Nathan nodded with a cocky confidence and the crowd went nuts. He hadn’t missed a single question all week.
“Nathan, your question on American History is a two part question. As you know, you may answer either part first. As a rule, the second half of the question is almost always easier. Which part would you like to take a stab at first?”
Nathan was now becoming more and more nervous. He couldn’t believe it, but he was drawing a blank. American History was his easiest subject, but he decided to play it safe. . .
“I’ll try the second part first.”
The M.C. nodded approvingly. “Here we go Nathan. I will ask you the second half first, then the first half.”
The audience tensed in silent anticipation……
“Nathan, here is your question: And in what year did it happen??”

JOKE #2

A game warden noticed how a particular fellow named Sam consistently caught more fish than anyone else. Whereas the other guys would only catch three or four fish a day, Sam would come in from the lake with a boat full of fish.

Stringer after stringer was packed with freshly caught trout. The warden, curious, asked Sam his secret. The successful fisherman invited the game warden to accompany him and observe.

So the next morning, the two met at the dock and took off in Sam’s boat. When they got to the middle of the lake, Sam stopped the boat, and the warden sat back to see how it was done.

Sam’s approach was simple: He took out a stick of dynamite, lit it, and threw it into the air. The explosion rocked the lake with such a force that dead fish immediately began to surface. Sam took out a net and started scooping them up.

Well, you can imagine the reaction of the game warden. When he recovered from the shock of it all, he began yelling at Sam, “You can’t do this! I’ll put you in jail, buddy! You will be paying every fine there is!”

Sam, meanwhile, set his net down and took out another stick of dynamite. He lit it and tossed it in the lap of the game warden, “Are you going to sit there all day complaining, or are you going to fish?”

JOKE #3

The first graders were attending their first music lesson. The teacher was trying to begin at the beginning. She drew a musical staff on the blackboard and asked a little girl to come up and write a note on it.
The little girl went to the blackboard, looked thoughtful for a minute and wrote, “Dear Aunt Emma, just a short note to tell you I’m fine.”

USELESS FACTS

Bought any Girl Scout cookies yet this year? Addicted to the Shortbread, Somoas, or the Caramel Delights? Some folks are so addicted to them; they buy them even if they have no money to buy them. Could you imagine giving a Girl Scout a check that you knew was going to bounce? Get this, the Girls Scouts council that serves the San Diego-Imperial County region of Southern California lost $20,000 one year on bad checks. Now, anyone who bounces a check for more than $100 can expect to hear from county prosecutors. ***If you’re so addicted to cookies that you’re willing to write a rubber check to get them, you need to check yourself into rehab.

A person would have to drink more than 12 cups of hot cocoa to equal the amount of caffeine found in one cup of coffee.  ***Now that’s a challenge we can all enjoy, am I right?

FEATURED FUNNIES

My niece was visiting one day when she asked, “Uncle Darren, do you know how you and God are alike?”

I mentally polished my halo while I asked, “No, how are we alike?”

“You’re both old,” she replied.

IT MUST BE TRUE BECAUSE I HEARD IT ON THE RADIO!

COLLEGE ENTRANCE EXAM!
Remember the days of taking “SAT’s”, “ACT’s, and other standardized college entrance examinations? Well, those days may be over.

If you were bad at “test taking”, it could be the difference upon being accepted to your desired choice for a higher education. Now, several schools across the country are providing an alternative to “standardized testing” and it involves the use of Legos! The “Lego Test” puts emphasis on hard-to-measure characteristics and less on the standardized testing. Groups of 8 to 10 students are given a box full of Lego pieces and told that they have 10 minutes to build a robot exactly like one sitting on a table in an adjacent room. Each group member is allowed to look at the robot, one at a time without taking notes. Evaluators then grade members of the group as they snap together their version of the robot. ***MARLAR: If only they’d used Lincoln Logs I might’ve had a shot at a good college.

INSPIRATIONAL INSPIRATION

DAILY SURVIVAL KIT

Items Needed:

  • Toothpick
  • Rubber Band
  • Band Aid
  • Pencil
  • Eraser
  • Chewing Gum
  • Mint
  • Candy Kiss
  • Tea Bag

Why???

  • TOOTHPICK – to remind you to pick out the good qualities in others. Matt. 7:1
  • RUBBER BAND – to remind you to be flexible, things might not always go the way you want, but it will work out. Romans 8:28
  • BAND AID – to remind you to heal hurt feelings, yours or someone else’s. Col. 3:12-14
  • PENCIL – to remind you to list your blessings every day. Eph. 1:3
  • ERASER – To remind you that everyone makes mistakes, and it’s OK. Gen. 50:15-21
  • CHEWING GUM – to remind you to stick with it and you can accomplish anything. Phil 4:13
  • MINT – to remind you that you are worth a mint! John 3:16-17
  • CANDY KISS – to remind you that everyone needs a kiss or a hug every day. John 4:7
  • TEA BAG – to remind you to relax daily and go over that list of blessings. Thess 5:18

A verbal wound is as bad as a physical one. Friends are a very rare jewel, indeed. They make you smile and encourage you to succeed. They lend an ear, share a word of praise and they always open their hearts to us.”

DRIVE TIME DEVOTIONAL

THAT’S A WRAP!

As God’s chosen people, holy and dearly loved, clothe yourselves with compassion, kindness, humility, gentleness, and patience. –Colossians 3:12

Just when you thought the advertising folks had covered all the bases, an enterprising California man has capitalized on the idea of transforming private automobiles into traveling billboards. Daniel Shifrin’s company pays drivers up to $400 a month to have their personal cars draped with a clear vinyl wrapper that touts everything from insurance to ice cream.

One rival company is planning to offer carefully selected applicants a pre-wrapped car to drive scot-free for 2 years. If you’d like to be considered, just remember that 25,000 people are in line ahead of you.

While some people object to this further intrusion of advertising into private life, others see no difference between a wrapped car and the designer logos on shirts and jeans. “I’m making the choice to do with my car as I please,” said a San Francisco driver who receives $250 every month for a partial wrap.

When you think about it, all of us are wrapped in something and we choose what it is every day. From our clothes to our personalities, we are walking advertisements for something or someone.

When Paul wrote to the Christians in Colosse, he urged them, “. . . clothe yourselves with compassion, kindness, humility, gentleness, and patience. . . . And over all these virtues put on love, which binds them all together in perfect unity” (Colossians 3:12,14).

In other words, we are to wrap ourselves in Christ and let His presence permeate everything we do and say. That begins with quiet time to talk to the Lord in prayer and to listen to Him through His Word. It continues by offering ourselves to Christ each day, asking Him to show us the way to honor Him in all our relationships, and receiving the Holy Spirit’s power to follow through.

A car that looks like a pint of ice cream is worth a second look. And so is a person who acts like Jesus. That’s a wrap! –-DM

LEFTOVERS

GOIN’ FOR A SPIN

A Laundromat owner in a Welsh town is afraid that if youngsters continue to play “truth or dare” in his store, someone is going to get hurt.

…You see, youngsters have been playing the game in a heavy-duty tumble dryer.  The schoolboys were paying to see who could spin inside the dryers the longest. 36 year old Stuart Fecci concurred that his dryers become dangerously hot once they have been running for a few minutes, along with the fact that the machines are gas-fired, producing potentially deadly carbon monoxide gas.  ***MARLAR: Most moms can’t get their kids near a washing machine, let alone inside one!

LIFE… LIVE IT

FIFTEEN THINGS YOUR MAIL CARRIER WON’T TELL YOU

(From Readers Digest)

1. Maybe your dog won’t bite you. But in 2009, 2,863 of us were bitten, an average of nine bites per delivery day.

2. Remember this on Valentine’s Day: It takes our machines longer to read addresses on red envelopes (especially if they’re written in colored ink).

3. Why stand in line? At usps.com, you can buy stamps, place a hold on your mail, change your address, and apply for passports.

4. Media Mail is a bargain, but most of you don’t know to ask for it…

5. Most of us love our jobs and the people we serve. I met my wife and my best friend because I was their letter carrier.

6. We go to great lengths to deliver to every address, no matter how remote. That’s why, in the most rural areas, even UPS and FedEx rely on us to make their final deliveries.

7. Those plants around your mailbox are beautiful, but I’d like them better if you kept them trimmed back.

8. Is it hot enough for me? The heat index is 110 degrees. What do you think? (Instead of asking that, offer me a cold drink.)

9. Despite the “neither snow nor rain nor heat nor gloom of night” motto, we’re instructed not to deliver to a mailbox if the snow and ice around it isn’t cleared. Most of us take the motto to heart, though, and do our best to deliver in even the most hazardous conditions.

10. I have people who leave a letter in their box and tape 44 cents in change to it. I’ll take it, but the next day I’ll be waiting in line like everyone else to buy you a stamp.

11. One day while delivering to a woman who had been very sick, her daughter met me by the mailbox and asked me if I wanted to say goodbye to her mom.  She was unconscious and didn’t know that I was there, but I held her hand and said a silent prayer for her and her family.  It wasn’t even an hour later when another customer met me at his door.  He was a new father, overjoyed, telling me that his wife had just given birth to his son. The whole cycle of life, in just one day.

12. It’s a small thing that makes my job so much easier: Please park your car in the driveway instead of in front of the mailbox.

13. If a letter has your name but the number is wrong and it gets to you, thank your carrier. We still sort our mail before we hit the street.

14. If your carrier walks his route, it would be nice if you would sweep or shovel your stairs when it snows.

15. Sometimes, when my wife and I are shopping or out to dinner, I ask if they give discounts to people in the “service.” They usually say “yes,” then ask “What branch are you in?” I reply, “postal.”  I usually get a funny look and a little snicker… I guess that means I’m just going to have to wait for my senior citizens discount.

(Sources: Letter carriers in Missouri, New Jersey, and North Carolina; Fredric Rolando, president of the National Association of Letter Carriers; and a spokesman for the U.S. Postal Service.)

JUST FOR FUN

SONG OF THE SOUTH

A man with the name of, well… you won’t believe it unless I sing it for you…”Zip-A-Dee-Doo-Dah”…

My oh my it’s a wonderful day for Zipardi Duda from England. Anthony Duda (his given name at birth) says that he has taken the new name to promote a charity for children in Tanzania that he set up. His real last name happens to be Duda, so I guess Zipardi just comes in naturally. Zipardi Duda says that his family name had for years prompted jokes from friends and that in the end he had given in. His new name echoes the title of the song “Zip-A-Dee-Doo-Dah” which was featured in the 1946 Disney film Song of the South. He even received permission from Walt Disney Co. for the change to his name. ***MARLAR: Would I lie to you? Of course not! It’s truth, it’s actual! Everything is satisfactual! (audio clip)

FUN LIST

BULLETIN BLOOPERS

Thank the good Lord for church ladies with typewriters. These sentences actually appeared in church bulletins or were announced in church services:

  • The sermon this morning: “Jesus Walks on the Water.” The sermon tonight: “Searching for Jesus.”
  • Ladies, don’t forget the rummage sale. It’s a chance to get rid of those things not worth keeping around the house. Don’t forget your husbands.
  • The peacemaking meeting scheduled for today has been canceled due to a conflict
  • For those of you who have children and don’t know it, we have a nursery downstairs.
  • Next Thursday there will be tryouts for the choir. They need all the help they can get.
  • Barbara remains in the hospital and needs blood donors for more transfusions. She is also having trouble sleeping and requests tapes of Pastor Jack’s sermons.
  • Eight new choir robes are currently needed, due to the addition of several new members and to the deterioration of some older ones.
  • Please place your donation in the envelope along with the deceased person you want remembered.

MORE SHOW PREP STUFF…

TRAVEL PLANS

I have been in many places, but I’ve never been in Cahoots.

Apparently, you can’t go alone. You have to be in Cahoots with someone.

I’ve also never been in Cognito. I hear no one recognizes you there.

I have, however, been in Sane. They don’t have an airport; you have to be driven there. I have made several trips there, thanks to my friends, family and work. I live close so it’s a short drive.

I would like to go to Conclusions, but you have to jump, and I’m not too much on physical activity anymore.

I have also been in Doubt. That is a sad place to go, and I try not to visit there too often.

I’ve been in Flexible, but only when it was very important to stand firm.

Sometimes I’m in Capable, and I go there more often as I’m getting older.

One of my favorite places to be is in Suspense! It really gets the adrenalin flowing and pumps up the old heart! At my age I need all the stimuli I can get!

And, sometimes I think I am in Vincible but life shows me I am not.

People keep telling me I’m in Denial but I’m positive I’ve never been there before!

I have been in Deepdoodoo many times; the older I get, the easier it is to get there. I actually kind of enjoy it there.

So far, I haven’t been in Continent; but my travel agent says I’ll be going soon.

OTHER STUFF I WANT TO CRAM INTO TODAY’S PREP

GROUNDHOG DAY!  The official groundhog, Punxsutawney Phil, lives at Gobbler’s Knob near Punxsutawney, Pennsylvania. Many weather researchers questioned the groundhog’s accuracy in predicting the weather but some of the groundhog’s fans may not agree. According to Groundhog Day organizers, the rodents’ forecasts are accurate 75% to 90% of the time. However, According to the StormFax Weather Almanac and records kept since 1887, Punxsutawney Phil’s weather predictions have been correct 39% of the time.

Cancer Patient with New Quadruplets Gets Big Help /// In late December, Kayla Gaytan of Kentucky got some very bad news – her cancer was back. This was especially problematic because Kayla was 30 weeks pregnant with quadruplets. That was a miracle in itself as just one week after marrying military police officer Charles Gaytan in early 2016, Kayla learned she had Hodgkins lymphoma and would most likely never have children after enduring the subsequent months of chemotherapy. But miracles do happen and a few weeks later, Kayla and her husband learned they were having quadruplets. All was going well until, 28 weeks into the pregnancy, she was told her cancer had returned and she’d urgently need more chemo. Desperate for cash to help cover their medical bills, Charles started a GoFundMe page with a modest goal of $5,000. They were shocked when it brought in over $18,000. Then, after the family appeared on Fox News last week, the floodgates opened. Now more than 16,000 people have donated more than $1.13 million! The four babies were delivered early by C-section so Kayla could have more chemo. She’s been told she only has a 50-50 chance of living another five years but says, “Our family has truly been humbled and amazed by the kindness of people. We’re just in shock.” (Eagle Post)

Modern-day DNA research is confirming the biblical account of Adam and Eve, according to one genetics expert. Answers in Genesis’ Georgia Purdom has recently released a documentary explaining her findings and the scientific support for the records presented in Genesis. She points to studies that show that, by focusing on the DNA, scientists have been able to evaluate that men and women can trace their roots back to a man and woman. The research also show that, if evolution were true and men and women had been roaming the planet for years, there would be more genetic diversity. http://bit.ly/1exCd5p

It’s the scientific discovery of your dreams: New research has determined that, aside from lowering your cholesterol, your risk of stroke, and the probability you’ll die of heart disease, eating about 1 ounce of chocolate a day actually improves your brain’s cognitive functioning. According to MSN, the study used data from an existing study to compare how often subjects ate specific foods with how high they scored on a range of cognitive tests. And the frequent chocolate eaters knocked it out of the park, doing significantly better on memory, organization, and abstract reasoning tests than subjects who treated themselves less often. Researchers add that dark chocolate provides the best results.

http://www.msn.com/en-us/health/wellness/heres-why-chocolate-helps-you-think-better/ar-BBsS7UC?li=BBnbfcL

Two new studies underline the knowledge that maintaining a good diet is crucial to overall health and stopping deaths that are usually considered preventable. According to Time, The first study looked at how the American diet changed from the year 1999 to 2012 and how that impacted the rate of premature death in America. It found that eating better was attributed to preventing 1.1 million premature deaths. During the time period there were also fewer cases of diabetes, heart disease cases and cancer. The second study addressed the type of interventions that might improve diet for better health. It concluded that an excise tax on sugar-sweetened beverages, elimination of the tax subsidy for advertising unhealthy food to children, and nutrition standards for food and drinks sold in schools outside of school meals would pay for themselves through health care costs saved. http://ti.me/1RNDmnD

Focus on the Family has the perfect solution for cold winters nights when you’re to busy to cook. This week the organizations’s Club House published a recipe for their easy potato soup that uses hash browns. It’s a perfect meal for you and the kids to make tonight.
 http://bit.ly/2hVQAaM

Ever find a jar of something at the back of your refrigerator or an unopened can on your shelf and wonder if it’s still safe to eat? How about how long your shampoo lasts? Time magazine is out with a list of real life expiration dates for those hard to know items, both food and non-food, that you find around your house. From soy sauce to green olives, from shaving cream to perfume, check out the use-by list!   http://ti.me/1D5wSyo

For serious home entertainers, the biggest competition on Super Bowl Sunday is really about outdoing last year’s food spread. If you want guests’ eyes to pop out when they walk into your living room, there is no greater spectacle than the edible stadium.  See some photos of edible stadiums and get some tips on how to build one at http://on.today.com/2kL9lPb

AND I LEAVE YOU WITH THIS THOUGHT

Today is Ground Hog Day, so don’t forget to give your special someone a five-pound box of sausage.

In (BIG CITY), they don’t have a groundhog, they have a road hog. If he sees his shadow it means six more months of orange barrels.

I’m not really all that interested in Groundhog Day because the groundhog doesn’t come down the chimney and leave presents.

Today is Groundhog Day; in Florida they’ve done away with the groundhog in favor of using an alligator. If he sees his shadow, it’s 6 more weeks of tourists.

THE TICKET Movie Reviews with MARIE ASNER

Marie Asner has been reviewing films for over 35 years. Her outlets include radio, print and Internet. For more in-depth movie reviews of the following films, visit www.Tollbooth.org. Ratings from 1 (Low) to 5 (High).

JANUARY 27, 2017…

Academy Award Nominations are announced this week.

Resident Evil: The Final Chapter—Mila Jovovich comes back as Alice to go against that evil Umbrella Corporation in Raccoon City. Also in the cast are Li Bingbing, Glen Iain and Ever Gabe Anderson. “Resident Evil: The Final Chapter” is rated R. Rating of 2 for fans and you know who you are.

(opening from an earlier date) Julieta—This is a Spanish language film (subtitled) directed by Pedro Almodovar. It concerns a mother’s (Emma Svarez)  search for a missing daughter. Also in the cast are Daniel Grao and Adriana Ugarte. “Julieta” is rated R. No rating.

(opening from an earlier date) Gold—Try, just try to recognize Matthew McConaughey in the role of Kenny Wells who goes to Borneo to find gold. You read that right.  His girlfriend, Bryce Dallas Howard, faithfully follows him.  People will do just about anything to get rich in a hurry.  Also in the cast are Edgar Ramirez and Corey Stoll. “Gold” is rated R. Rating of 2 for fans.

A Dog’s Purpose—Bring hanky.  The film is adapted from the book by W. Bruce Cameron about a dog named Toby, who is reincarnated time after time into certain situations where you can help people. The human cast includes Britt Robertson, Josh Gad and Dennis Quaid. “A Dog’s Purpose” is rated PG 13. Rating of 2.

Bastards—Owen Wilson is searching for his supposedly dead father, who supposedly died a long time ago. What next? Also in the cast are Ed Helms, Glenn Close and J. K. Simmons. “Bastard” is rated R. No rating.

FEBRUARY 3, 2017…

The Space Between Us (opening from an earlier date) concerns the first child born on Mars.

Rings is a sequel to the supernatural film of several years ago and stars Johnny Galecki.

The Comedian has Robert DeNiro on a comeback road but doing community service because of an outburst. This is a comedy/drama. Also stars Leslie Mann.

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Darren Marlar credits all non-original material to the author whenever possible. All other material is original, used with permission, or author unknown. We welcome all comments, questions, and suggestions. Darren can be reached via his website at www.DarrenMarlar.com.