February 02, 2017: Wednesday ONAIRprep

PRINT VERSION OF TODAY’S PREP: 20170201

***DAILY DOSE OF WEIRD NEWS! (As an ONAIRprep subscriber, you can gain access to all of the work parts for the Daily Dose of Weird News, allowing you to edit for length and content – and also receive a custom tag specifically for your station or show which you can have updated at any time… ABSOLUTELY FREE! It’s part of your subscription now! Email me to get FTP access and your free customized tag!)

WELCOME TO THE SHOW!

Today’s (JOCK SHOW) will be twice as good as usual — because I’m wearing BOTH pairs of my lucky underwear.

BIBLE VERSE OF THE DAY

In the beginning was the Word, and the Word was with God, and the Word was God.  The same was in the beginning with God.  All things were made by him; and without him was not any thing made that was made.  In him was life; and the life was the light of men. –John 1:1-4

You are forgiving and good, O Lord, abounding in love to all who call on you. — Psalm 86:5

But we have this treasure in jars of clay to show that this all-surpassing power is from God and not from us. — 2 Corinthians 4:7

HEARTLIGHT DAILY VERSE, PRAYER & THOUGHT

(From VerseOfTheDay.com.)

They cried to you and were saved; in you they trusted and were not disappointed. — Psalm 22:5

Thought: This Psalm of despair, referred to by Jesus from the Cross, is also a Psalm of hope and faith. The history of God’s faithfulness with his people Israel is an ongoing reminder that we can trust him to deliver us. While in our human reckoning of time God’s answer may be slow in coming, his track record in history reminds us that he will answer, deliver, and bless his people in his time. In our worst of nightmares, we can be reminded that God is faithful and is attentive to our cries of despair, lament, grief, agony, and fear.

Prayer: I ask, dear Father, that you bless your people everywhere who find themselves in difficult situations. Empower them with your Spirit and bless them with a change for the better in their dire situation. Please hear the cries of your people and act swiftly for their protection, preservation, and vindication. In Jesus’ name I pray. Amen.

The Thoughts and Prayers for Today’s Verse are written by Phil Ware. You can email questions or comments to phil@heartlight.org.

BIRTHDAY VERSE” OF THE DAY (The chapter and verse correspond to the month and day!)

2 Timothy 2:1 NIV = …be strong in the grace that is in Christ Jesus.

TODAY IS WEDNESDAY – FEBRUARY 01, 2017

(NOTE: Some holidays may be duplicated due to various calendars reporting conflicting dates)
WEIRD, WACKY, STRANGE, ZANY, ODD, BIZARRE, QUIRKY, UNUSUAL HOLIDAYS!
THERE ARE ONLY
327 SHOPPING DAYS UNTIL CHRISTMAS.

Today is TUPPERWARE SCULPTING DAY, a day to heat up at least one old Tupperware bowl or glass and sculpt it into something new and exciting. ***WARNING MEN – Be sure you get your wife’s permission to do this before attempting your own Tupperware sculpting. I had a great Tupperware swan going this morning in preparation for today’s show, then my wife came into the kitchen and, well, you don’t want to know.

Today is ROBINSON CRUSOE DAY, a day to be adventurous and self-reliant. ***How much more adventurous can one be when he’s making a Tupperware swan?

This is SOLO DINERS EAT OUT WEEK. ***I hate eating alone. I always feel people are staring at me. Then again, that might be true seeing as I eat my soup with a fork. And I’ll be eating alone quite a bit this week due to my ruining all of my wife’s good Tupperware.

TODAY IS ALSO…
Candy-Making Day
Car Insurance Day
Change Your Password Day Link
Decorating With Candy Day
G.I. Joe Day
Hula in The Coola Day
International Face & Body Art Day Link
Freedom Day
National Signing Day Link
Robinson Crusoe Day
Serpent Day Link
Spunky Old Broads Day
National Girls & Women in Sports Day

COMING UP NEXT (Just a list, we are not endorsing the holidays posted below.)

THURSDAY, FEBRUARY 02

Ayn Rand Day  Link
Candelmas
Crepe Day
Crepe Day or La Chandeleur Link
Groundhog Day
Groundhog Job Shadow Day
Hedgehog Day
Imbolc
Marmot Day Link
Sled Dog Day: 2
World Play Your Ukulele Day Link
World Wetlands Day Link

FRIDAY, FEBRUARY 03

Bubble Gum Day Link 
Give Kids A Smile Day Link
Four Chaplains Memorial Day
National Women’s Physicians Day Link
The Day The Music Died
Wear Red Day
Working Naked Day Link

SATURDAY, FEBRUARY 04

Barber Day
Facebook’s Birthday
Ice Cream For Breakfast Day Link
Take Your Child To The Library Day
Liberace Day
Medjoola Date Day
Quacker Day
USO Day
World Cancer Day Link

SUNDAY, FEBRUARY 05

Adlai Stevenson Day Link
Dump Your Significant Jerk Day
Move Hollywood & Broadway to Lebanon, PA Day
Popcorn Day Link
Shower With A Friend Day Link
Super Bowl 51
Weatherman’s [Weatherperson’s] Day
Western Monarch DayLink
World Nutella Day Link

MONDAY, FEBRUARY 06

Canadian Maple Syrup Day Link
Lame Duck Day
International Day of Zero Tolerance to Female Genital Mutilation Link

TUESDAY, FEBRUARY 07

African American Coaches Day
Ballet Day
Dry Bean Day Link
Black HIV/AIDS Awareness Day Link
“e” Day (math) Link
Laura Ingalls Wilder Day
Man Day
National Periodic Table Day Link
Wave All Your Fingers At Your Neighbor’s Day

ON THIS DAY

1861: Texas, a U.S. state for only 16 years, voted to secede from the Union.

1887: Harvey Wilcox of Kansas started selling off 120 acres he owned in Southern California as a real estate development. His wife, Daeida, named it Hollywood.

1920: The Royal Canadian Mounted Police, the Mounties, were created.

1940: Frank Sinatra sang “Too Romantic” and “The Sky Fell Down” in his first recording session with the Tommy Dorsey Band. Frank replaced Jack Leonard as the band’s lead singer.

1949: RCA Victor introduced the 45, a smaller record with a larger hole than the long-play 33-and-a-third disc introduced earlier by Columbia Records.

1954: Edwin Armstrong leaped to his death from his Manhattan apartment. He had invented stereo FM radio, but AM broadcasters had kept his patents tied up in court.

1963: 17-year-old Neil Young performed his first paying gig at a Winnipeg country club.

1964: The governor of Indiana declared the Kingsmen’s hit “Louie Louie” was pornographic. He asked the state’s radio stations not to play it.

1977: In Roxboro, N.C., Hillside shutout Person 2-0 in history’s lowest scoring high school basketball game. Person, with a much shorter team, stalled the entire game and missed its final shot.

1980: The daytime soap opera “Love of Life” ended a 28-year run on CBS so that “The Young & The Restless” could expand to a full hour each weekday.

1982: ”Late Night with David Letterman” premiered on NBC-TV. (audio clip)

1994: Skater Tonya Harding’s ex-husband Jeff Gillooly pleaded guilty to conspiring with others to plan the January 6th attack on skater Nancy Kerrigan.

2001: Sparks generated by bottom static may have caused two gas station fires in Hannibal, Missouri. Experts think the energy built up when drivers slid from their seats and sparks flew from their fingers. Nobody was hurt but both cars were burned. A fire department spokesman said static should be removed by touching the car’s body before picking up the pump handle.

2003: A Taiwanese man who suffered from a severe cough for many years was cured when surgeons removed a sewing needle from his back. The man could not recall ever feeling a needle sticking him in the back, but his wife said she had lost a needle on their bed several years earlier. Doctors said the needle irritated the man’s lungs.

2004: During the Super Bowl halftime show, in what was termed a “wardrobe malfunction,” singer Janet Jackson’s breast was exposed, resulting in a $550,000 fine against CBS’ parent company, Viacom.

2006: A 100-pound woman ate 26 grilled cheese sandwiches in 10 minutes at a New York restaurant to win the World Grilled Cheese Eating Championship. Sonya Thomas won $8,000 but said she was disappointed in her performance. She wanted to eat 30 sandwiches. Thomas held other eating records, including 46 dozen oysters in 10 minutes, 11 pounds of cheesecake in 9 minutes, 48 chicken tacos in 11 minutes, and 37 hot dogs and buns in 12 minutes.

2007: Antonio Vasconcelos, born in Cancun, Mexico, was an enormous 22 inches long and weighed 14 and-a-half pounds! “Super Tonio” had to wear diapers designed for 6-month-olds. Doctors said he was relatively healthy, but his blood sugar was higher than the average newborn.

TODAY IN CHRISTIAN HISTORY

524: Brigit, founder of a monastery at Kildare and considered the “second patron saint of Ireland,” dies.

1516: Desiderius Erasmus dedicates his “amendment” of Jerome’s Latin (Vulgate) translation of the Bible to Pope Leo X. Perhaps because his work was so politically risky, he assured the pontiff, “We do not intend to tear up the old and commonly accepted edition [the Vulgate], but amend it where it is corrupt, and make it clear where it is obscure.” Luther, Tyndale and other Protestants based their vernacular versions on the translations and hailed Erasmus’s calls for reform.

1650: French philosopher Rene Descartes dies. Though more famous for his saying, “Cogito ergo sum” (I think, therefore I am), he followed that statement with a logical argument for the existence of God. In essence, he argued that the idea of God, a perfect being, could only be caused by that perfect God. Though fellow philosopher-mathematician-scientist Blaise Pascal (an avid Christian) considered Descartes a mere Deist, “letting [God] give a tap to set the world in motion,” Descartes repeatedly wrote about his devotion to Roman Catholicism.

1750: John Newton (ex-slaver and author of the hymn “Amazing Grace” marries Mary Catlett.

1763: Thomas Campbell, founder of the Disciples of Christ (which flourished under the leadership of his son, Alexander), is born. A popular itinerant preacher, he sought to unite Christians under a common, simple confession of Christ as Lord and immersion baptism.

1810: Charles Lenox Remond, a black abolitionist preacher who supported slave uprisings and the use of violence to end slavery, is born in Salem, Massachusetts.

1834: African Methodist Episcopal bishop Henry McNeal Turner is born a free African-American at Newberry Courthouse, South Carolina. One of the denomination’s leaders during Reconstruction, he is considered a precursor of later black theology for his statement, “God is a Negro.” He was also the first black chaplain in the U.S. Army.

1862: Ardent abolitionist Julia Ward Howe publishes “Battle Hymn of the Republic” in The Atlantic Monthly.

1862: Missionary James Stewart meets his hero, missionary-explorer David Livingstone in the heart of Africa.

1933: Bonhoeffer gives a radio speech warning about the consequences of putting blind trust in any man (i.e.: Hitler). Studio executives cut out the warning. Bonhoeffer was later executed by the Nazis for his resistance.

HOLLYWOOD, SPORTS AND CELEBRITY FIGURE BIRTHDAYS

  • actor (“City Guys”, “Grounded for Life”) Jarrett Lennon 35
  • comedian (Jury Duty, Bio-Dome, Son in Law) Pauly Shore 49
  • singer/celebrity daughter Lisa Marie Presley 49
  • actress (“Rude Awakening”, “Gilmore Girls”, “Boston Public”) Sherilyn Fenn 51 (audio clip)
  • Princess Stephanie of Monaco 52

BEE-BOP BIRTHDAYS

(Music Artist Birthdays From SongFacts.com)

1934 : Bob Shane (The Kingston Trio)

1937 : Don Everly (The Everly Brothers)

1937 : Ray Sawyer (Dr. Hook and the Medicine Show)

1938 : Jimmy Carl Black (Mothers of Invention)

1939 : Del McCoury

1939 : Joe Sample

1944 : Tommy Duffy (Lindisfarne)

1948 : Rick James

1951 : Rich Williams (Kansas)

1951 : Fran Christina (The Fabulous Thunderbirds)

1954 : Mike Campbell (Tom Petty & The Heartbreakers)

1968 : Lisa Marie Presley

1969 : Patrick Wilson (Weezer)

1975 : Big Boi (Outkast)

SECRETS OF THE UNIVERSE

Why do we swear in U.S. Presidents on January 20th?

The new president used to take office on March 4. But in 1932, the occupant of the White House, Herbert Hoover, helpless to stop the nation’s slide into Depression, was thoroughly repudiated at the polls. Then, with the country falling apart, Hoover remained in command for another four months while things drifted. That’s what spurred a change in the changeover date to the current January 20. Poor Hoover. Things were so bad they were calling encampments of the homeless, “Hoovervilles.” By the time March 4 arrived, he wasn’t a lame duck; he was a dead duck!

CHRISTIAN ARTIST NEWS

This is just a tiny sample of the 5-6 pages of material you could be receiving three days a week from ChristianRadioShowPrepServices.com!

Kutless member James Mead has been going through a dry spell. He posted over the weekend: I have actually been kinda “mad at music” lately. For several months. For most of my life, music has fed me in a very special way. It has served as an extension of how I express myself. Music has been like a native language to me. Sometimes, professional music gets messy. Until yesterday, I hadn’t even touched one of my guitars since September. But, God has been working on a lot of areas of my life, my spirit, and my character in the mean time. I’ve started writing music again. I’ve started to feel connected to that part of me again.
 https://www.instagram.com/p/BP1ZVQLhQkH/

 

Kutless member James Mead describes himself as a walking contradiction. He posted: I’m making homemade, vegan, creamy tomato basil soup. Also, a grilled cheese sandwich with cheese made from cows.

 

Francesca Battistelli didn’t get the response she expected when she announced one of her songs was featured on the album inspired by the movie The Shack. Francesca posted this week: I never expected so much controversy in my last post about The Shack. I will say that the book never claimed to be doctrinal. It is an allegory–a beautiful story of God’s pursuit of His children. This film has the potential to reach people who would never step into the theater to see another Christian film, who would never walk into a church or listen to Christian radio. The way the film addresses forgiveness, love, redemption, and relationship is beautiful. I hope that you see it! And bring your friends who are tangled up in hurt, bitterness, and unforgiveness, and watch what the Lord can do through the power of story.
 https://www.instagram.com/p/BPu8avZj6AF/

 

Casting Crowns Megan Garrett: Is a plague of dog hair a sign of the end times?? If so, Lord hasten Your return for I am weary of sweeping and vacuuming.

 

Hawk Nelson front man Jon Steingard recently said goodbye to a friend. “Goldie”, his golden Triumph motorcycle, was his main vehicle during the time he and his wife lived in LA and got him safely wherever he needed to go! However, Jon posted: My brother had a little spill on her and the insurance company wrote me a check and rolled her away. He adds: I was planning on selling her anyways to pay for a new camera…so thanks bro for expediting the process! 
https://www.instagram.com/p/BPv0cxDBGyV/

 

Josh Wilson is going the extra mile for his friend and writing partner Jason Gray. Every time Jason visit’s Josh’s place to write he hits the crown of his head on a very sharp corner in Josh’s basement. So prior to his most recent visit this week, Josh installed padding just for him. 
https://www.instagram.com/p/BPvlpmQBJ2v/

 

Skillet frontman John Forman doesn’t just sit around relaxing when he’s takes a break from touring. His wife Korey posted a picture on Instagram: Listening to my man teach at the Living Light School of Worship today..things we do when we are home.
 https://www.instagram.com/p/BPtIIcNB4nh/

 

Another story from Matthew West. This time it features the story of Rebecca and how becoming a child of God changed her family tree. Check out her story at https://popwe.org/stories/family-tree/

 

Kutless member James Mead is trying something new. He posted: Teaching myself how to tailor and make alterations to clothes, such as tapering jeans and such. Sewing machines are radical. 

NEWS KICKERS

(No news on the weekends. Want a customized audio version, FREE? Email me for more information! )

NEW NEWS KICKERS…

Over in China’s Zhejiang province, a man only identified by the surname Zhang (boy that really narrows it down) decided he didn’t want to pay to get into the zoo so he thought he would hop a fence instead. Unfortunately, he chose as his point of entry a fence that lead right to the tiger’s enclosure. Now somebody will have to pay for Mr. Zhang’s funeral as he was mauled to death. Zhang’s wife and two children were much smarter and bought tickets to enter the zoo. ***When asked about it, the tigers replied, “He tasted grrrrrrreat!”

Vogue UK says that cleavage is “over,” and that women will be covering up their breasts more in favor of showing their arms and legs. ***For once in my life I’m hoping Vogue will be right about something.

The CEO of Starbucks says he’s planning on hiring 10,000 refugees. ***So if you enjoy hearing almost unintelligible foreign accents when you call for computer tech support, you’ll also love your Starbucks coffee run.

In Rochester, New York, 52-year-old Rex Crooks showed up at jail to pick up a family member at 6pm Sunday. The first problem was the family member wasn’t being released until 6am Monday. The second problem was Crooks appeared to be stinking drunk. Indeed, he allegedly blew a 0.31 on a breathalyzer — nearly four times the legal limit — and was charged with aggravated DWI. Even worse – Crooks was also cited for parking in a handicap spot. It was actually Crooks’ second aggravated DWI charge of October. Earlier in the month, he was pulled over at 7am while allegedly drunkenly driving his son to a work release program.  ***Dude, just because your name is CROOK doesn’t mean you have to live up to the name.

Some Burger King workers in New Hampshire were arrested for selling marijuana at work using the code words “extra crispy.”  ***Well, Burger King does say, “Have it YOUR way…”

People who use Facebook appear to live longer if it serves to maintain and enhance their real-world social ties, confirming what social scientists have known for a long time: People who have stronger social networks live longer. Now that network may include the online world, too. The study: Led by William Hobbs and James Fowler of the University of California, San Diego, the team matched 4 million California Facebook users with vital records from the California Department of Public Health. The study found that those who were on Facebook lived longer than those who were not. ***So LIKE me on Facebook… it might save your life!

Two Illinois men were arrested after a chase that started in Des Moines, Iowa. At around 1:30 Monday morning an officer attempted to pull over a Ford F-150 truck for an equipment violation. The driver refused to pull over but the chase ended after about 40 miles when the truck ran out of gas.  ***Obviously Chicago public school graduates who don’t know the difference between the letter E and the letter F.

On average, refrigerators get cleaned once every 110 days. ***That’s just an average though.  Some of us wait until the guacamole gains sentience and asks to be given its freedom.

An asteroid came really close to Earth Sunday. The problem with asteroids passing near Earth is they’re often difficult to spot. Asteroid 2017 BH30 was discovered Sunday just hours before passing by us at the creepy-close distance of only 40,563 miles — closer than the moon. This asteroid is estimated to be between 15 to 32 feet in length.  ***So… not large enough to pick up any passengers, so put away the Nikes and sweatsuits.

NEWS KICKER EVERGREENS…

How would you feel if Punxsutawney Phil was replaced with a robot? Animal rights groups want organizers of Pennsylvania’s Groundhog Day festival to replace Punxsutawney Phil with a robotic stand-in.  People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals says it’s unfair to keep the animal in captivity and subject him to the huge crowds and bright lights that accompany tens of thousands of revelers each Feb. 2 in Punxsutawney, a tiny borough about 65 miles northeast of Pittsburgh.  ***The rest of us think it’s unfair to keep us captive to PETA’s obtuse opinions.

February is National “Return Shopping Carts” month. ***What?!?! We have to return a YEAR’S WORTH of stolen shopping carts in 28 days?!?

A recent study says that 17,000 kids a year are treated for TV-related injuries. ***So they literally commissioned a study to tell us that if a giant, 75-pound object falls on your child, they won’t be able to walk that off. People should just wrap their kids up in bubble wrap and never let them near anything.

Many people think they get plenty of fluids on a daily basis. What they don’t realize, however, is that they may be dehydrated which could lead to a slew of heath issues including fatigue, joint pain and weight gain. Up to 75 percent of Americans may be functioning in a chronic state of dehydration, according to new research. Experts recommend drinking between eight and 10 cups of water a day.  If you don’t like drinking water there are other options including flavored water or water-based foods like watermelon or soup.  ***What about coffee?  Can I drink ten cups of that each day?  That’d be great.

Scientists say they’ve finally discovered why smokers tend to gain some weight when they kick the habit.  It turns out that nicotine can rev up brain cells that normally signal people to stop eating when they’re full.  The weight connection isn’t huge: On average, quitters gain less than 10 pounds. Still, it’s a worry that many smokers cite when asked why they don’t try to quit. Now the question is whether the discovery might lead to better treatments to help them quit without worrying about weight.  ***Personally, I think there’s a much simpler explanation to this.  The reason people gain weight when they stop smoking is because they’re used to having something in their mouths.

AS THE JUNGLE TURNS

CLICK HERE TO DOWNLOAD WEDNESDAY’S EPISODE

OPEN: And now, FancyMonkey.com, (Show Name), and (Station Call Letters) bring you As the Jungle Turns! When last we left the jungle, Gruffy Bear decided to take advantage of the fact that the main path through the jungle happens to pass through his property. He built a toll booth, and now every time one of the jungle animals wants to pass by using the main jungle path, they have to come up with 35-cents!

CLOSE: What a nice guy! Sure, he put up a toll booth on his property, but Gruffy is letting his friend Hermie the bug pass through at no charge… and he let Nozzles owe 5-cents instead of being hard-nosed about it. I guess he is a very understanding bear! Maybe this won’t be all that bad. We’ll find out next time, As the Jungle Turns!

***You may simulcast “As the Jungle Turns” on the Internet stream of your live broadcast only. Any other Internet use of “As the Jungle Turns” in whole or part including podcasting of your live broadcast is a violation of copyright law. Thank you for your cooperation on this vitally important issue. If you have any questions, please e-mail us and ask about “Jungle Jam & Friends the Radio Show” usage.

MOMENT OF DUH

Ever done anything desperate to get some sleep? How about almost killing someone?

In Germany, 17-year-old Frederik Moelner actually unplugged his hospital neighbor’s life support machine because he said the noise was keeping him awake. Fred said he had been trying to sleep as he recovered from a car crash but the noise of the life support machine that was keeping 76-year-old Hermann Berghof alive kept waking him up. Fortunately the medical staff acted promptly and reconnected the life support machine.

TOP TEN

INDICATIONS YOUR SUPER BOWL PARTY IS HOSTED BY GEEKS

  • Betting pool requires Phd. in mathematics to figure out winner.
  • Plays re-enacted in scale model of stadium built with LEGO bricks.
  • Everyone more interested in updating Wikipedia page with game’s final score than actually watching the game.
  • Somebody openly wonders why the quarterback isn’t allowed a saving throw after being sacked.
  • You have to listen to 3-hour lecture on the aerodynamics of a football before the game.
  • It’s hard to see the TV through the webcam.
  • People would rather watch game on their phones and play games on the HDTV.
  • Heated arguments over which team is best turn out to be about Warcraft guilds.
  • Banner has Super Bowl number in hexadecimal instead of roman numerals.
  • No one mentions that they played football in high school.

THE FILES OF LAW & DISORDER

Want to have a successful heist?  You need to provide your own getaway car and driver.

FILE #1: Two Albanian men carrying stolen computers and flat-screen televisions worth $13,000 flagged down a Berlin, Germany, taxi to transport their loot home. The taxi driver first helped the thieves load bulky boxes of stolen goods in front of a law office at about 1am and then drove them to their apartment. After collecting his fare and a generous tip, the taxi driver notified the police who later raided the apartment and found other stolen items from previous burglaries.

FILE #2: In Henderson, Nevada, 61-year-old Douglas Hoffman really wanted his room with a view. He was just sentenced to five years in prison for staging a small-scale terror campaign among his neighbors to get it. At first, Douglas illegally cut down a group of trees to get a better view from his home of the Las Vegas Strip. However, to mask his own vandalism, he then destroyed over 500 trees in the neighborhood according to prosecutors. He then sent threatening notes suggesting that an extremist militia would continue to attack his neighbor’s property, finally promising “chemical, biological and nuclear mass destruction.”

FILE #3: Call it fate, bad luck, or just a coincidence, but two men tried to rob a liquor store at the same time. Both were carrying guns. They approached the counter at the same time. One of the robbers pulled out his gun and told the clerk to hand over the money in the drawer. The other robber pulled out his gun and pointed it at the first robber and exclaimed “Hey, you can’t rob this store, I’m here to do the same.” The two robbers argued back and forth and finally agreed to split the proceeds. They then both lowered their weapons. Unfortunately for them, another man, standing behind them, had his gun pointed in their direction. Surely there couldn’t be a third man trying to rob the store at the same time, right? Well, no! The third man turned out to be an off duty policeman moonlighting as the store’s security officer. The security guard placed them under house arrest until police arrived. They were charged and later convicted of attempted armed robbery.

STRANGE LAW: Persons classified as “ugly” may not walk down any street in San Francisco.

THIS IS YOUR BRAIN ON DRUGS

A Georgia man, Raphael Rashad Bolden, was caught trying to swallow a $5 bag of marijuana in court.  The same court where Raphael was being tried on stolen property charges.

PHONER PHUN

What’s the last romantic thing your significant other did for you?

BIBLE BRAIN BUSTER!

QUESTION: How long was Moses on the top of Mt. Sinai to receive and write down the commandments and detailed instructions?

ANSWER: 40 days (and 40 nights). See Exodus 24:18.

QUESTION IMPOSSIBLE

QUESTION: Whats the average number of times a greeting card is picked up and read before someone purchases it?
ANSWER: 25

TRUE OR FALSE

Pay attention! If our next player doesn’t answer all ten T/F questions correctly we start all over from question #1! First person to answer question #10 correctly is our winner!

1. The first fast-food chain was McDonalds. (False, White Castle)

2. You would have found the famed “Murderer’s Row” at Fenway Park. (False, Yankees Stadium)

3. Farsi is the official language of Iraq. (False, Iran)

4. Napoleon, Genghis Khan, Mao Tse-Tung and modern military leaders used Sun Tzu’s war manual. (True)

5. During the early days of the Gold Rush in California, a glass of whiskey cost $7! (True)

6. The largest cattle farm in America is in Hawaii. (True)

7. In Puerto Rico, wiggling one’s nose means roughly the same thing as cursing someone out. (False, it basically means about the same thing as saying, “What’s going on?”)

8. Back in the 1920s, the word “flipper” was slang for pocketwatch. (False, but the word “turnip” was!)

9. Texas produces more wool than any other state in the country. (True, west central Texas is the top sheep growing area in the country.)

10. Daytime dramas are called Soap Operas because they were originally used to advertise soap powder. (True… in America in the early days of TV, advertisers would write stories around the use of their soap powder.)

TABLOID MATCH GAME

You have to match the blank in the tabloid headline with the word or phrase that has been removed!

NEW YORK TAKES GUNS AWAY FROM ________ (OFFICERS)

Mayor Bloomberg and NYPC Police Chief Ray Kelly have decided to take all the guns away from NY C police officers.

In an effort to curb gun violence, Mayor Bloomberg announced that NYPD officers will no longer carry guns.  ”We feel that guns should be removed from all aspects of life.  If there are no guns, there will be not deaths caused by guns.  It’s that simple,” Bloomberg reportedly told the press on Sunday.

Bloomberg repeatedly mentioned that there are no guns in England and that police officers in London do not have guns either.  ”They manage fine without guns.  I think that by doing this, we will have a safer, more peaceful city.”

THE WAY TOO EARLY IN THE MORNING TO UNDERSTAND THE PUNCHLINE EVEN AFTER TWO CUPS OF COFFEE JOKE OF THE DAY 

JOKE #1

Two Mississippians are walking toward each other, and one is carrying a sack. When they meet, one says, “Hey, Tommy Ray, whatcha got in the bag?”
“Jes’ some chickens.”
“If I guesses how many they is, kin I have one?”
“Shoot, if ya guesses right, I’ll give you both of ’em.”

JOKE #2

Finding a bright spot in the ominous task known variously these days as “rightsizing” or “workplace reengineering” isn’t easy. But one consultant brought in to help remaining managers through the process of reducing the workforce while maintaining productivity added a contemporary twist to the old classic question.

“What does the optimist say about the glass and the water?” he asked.

“It’s half full,” was the reply!

“And what does the pessimist say?” he queried.

“It’s half empty.”

“And, what does the process re-engineer have to say about it?”

Silence – until the consultant revealed the new additional answer: “Looks like you’ve got twice as much glass as you need there!”

JOKE #3

At a business conference in Montpelier, Vermont, the state tax commissioner asked the audience which sort of taxation they found fairest.

There was a pause, and then a white-haired man in the back raised his hand. “The poll tax,” he said.

“But the poll tax was repealed,” replied the commissioner. “Ay-ah,” declared the man, “that’s what I like about it.”

USELESS FACTS

A Swedish study suggests that putting fertilizer in forests can slow the greenhouse effect.  ***And since animals live and do their business in the woods anyway, we should have nothing to worry about!  WE’RE SAVED!

A British company has developed a bacteria-retarding line of underwear that you can wear for days without having to wash.  ***Impressive… although you have to wonder why scientists would feel an invention of this type would even be necessary.  Is there a huge underwear shortage in Britain that I’ve not heard about?

FEATURED FUNNIES

IF MEN GOT PREGNANT

Maternity leave would last two years….with full pay.

There would be a cure for stretch marks.

Natural childbirth would become obsolete.

Morning sickness would rank as the nation’s #1 health problem.

Children would be kept in the hospital until toilet trained.

Men would be eager to talk about commitment.

They wouldn’t think twins were so cute.

Briefcases would be used as diaper bags.

Paternity suits would be a fashion line of clothes.

They’d stay in bed during the entire pregnancy.

Restaurants would include ice cream and pickles as main entrees.

Women would rule the world.

IT MUST BE TRUE BECAUSE I HEARD IT ON THE RADIO!

LIAR, LIAR

An annual liar’s contest banned one group of people from participating – politicians!

Every year Burlington, Wisconsin holds a World Champion Liar competition. They’ve been doing it for 70 years, and every year the lies seem to get better and better. The Burlington Liars Club, which holds the competition, even has a fan club, which is $1 to join. Of course, people keep sending the organization blank envelopes and then say the dollar was in there – after all, it’s a liar’s club, so why not lie about sending the club dues, right? Up until recently there was only one rule to get into the competition: you couldn’t lie about people, because they didn’t want anyone getting hurt, even emotionally. But in 2001 they added one more rule. You can’t be a politician. ***MARLAR: Apparently, politicians get in too much practice throughout the rest of the year.

INSPIRATIONAL INSPIRATION

LIVE A LIFE THAT MATTERS

Ready or not, someday it will all come to an end. There will be no more sunrises, no minutes, hours or days.

All the things you collected, whether treasured or forgotten, will pass to someone else. Your wealth, fame and temporal power will shrivel to irrelevance.

It will not matter what you owned or what you were owed. Your grudges, resentments, frustrations, and fears will finally disappear.

So, too, your hopes, ambitions, plans, and to-do lists will expire. The wins and losses that once seemed so important will fade away.

It won’t matter where you came from, or on what side of the tracks you lived, at the end.

It won’t matter whether you were beautiful or brilliant. Even your gender and skin color will be irrelevant.

So what will matter? How will the value of your days be measured?

What will matter is not what you bought, but what you built; not what you got, but what you gave.

What will matter is not your success, but your significance.

What will matter is not what you learned, but what you taught.

What will matter is every act of integrity, compassion, courage or sacrifice that enriched, empowered or encouraged others to emulate your example.

What will matter is not your competence, but your character.

What will matter is not how many people you knew, but how many will feel a lasting loss when you’re gone.

What will matter is not your memories, but the memories that live in those who loved you.

What will matter is how long you will be remembered, by whom and for what.

Living a life that matters doesn’t happen by accident. It’s not a matter of circumstance but of choice.

DRIVE TIME DEVOTIONAL

DIRTY LAUNDRY

Read: Leviticus 10:8-11, 1 Corinthians 2:13-16

Distinguish between holy and unholy, and between unclean and clean. —Leviticus 10:10

Whenever my husband and I leave the house, our dog Maggie goes sniffing for old shoes and dirty laundry. She surrounds herself with what she finds and then sleeps with it near her nose. The familiar smells comfort her until we return.

Of course Maggie doesn’t realize she’s following a levitical command to “distinguish between . . . unclean and clean” (Leviticus 10:10). Nor does she know she’s violating it.

In a world still swirling in sin long after its catastrophic collision with evil, God commanded His followers to live holy lives (Leviticus 11:45). Distinguishing between clean and unclean is essential to that task.

Such discernment requires more than finely tuned physical senses. The apostle Paul wrote that the “natural man”—that is, a human being in his sinful state—”does not receive the things of the Spirit of God . . . ; they are spiritually discerned” (1 Corinthians 2:14). It is the Holy Spirit who provides this wisdom (v.13).

Just as Maggie finds comfort in old shoes and socks, many people seek comfort in old dirty sins. We must be mindful that our comfort and consolation come from God, who loves us and who establishes us in “every good word and work” (2 Thessalonians 2:16-17). —Julie Ackerman Link

Search me, O God, and know my heart today;
Try me, O Savior, know my thoughts, I pray.
See if there be some wicked way in me;
Cleanse me from every sin and set me free. —Orr
© 1966, Singspiration, Inc.

There is no true happiness apart from holiness, and no holiness apart from Christ.

LEFTOVERS

THERE’S A FLAG ON THE PLAY

The parents of Patrick Griffiths, a senior at Mira Costa High School in Torrance, Calif., are demanding that the school strike the 17-year-old boy’s recent suspension from his academic record so it won’t impede his college career.

…Griffiths was suspended for two days when he declined to be crowned homecoming king at the homecoming football game because he thinks it’s a “meaningless popularity contest”. He thus “willfully defied the valid authority of supervisors, teachers, administrators, school officials or other school personnel engaged in the performance of their duties,” said the suspension papers. (Torrance Daily Breeze)

LIFE… LIVE IT

MEET ME IN THE HUMOR SECTION

by Michael Webb

An interesting idea on how to have a fun and inexpensive date just by going to a bookstore.

A large bookstore is within walking distance from our home. The store has it all – a music section, magazines, computer software and a nice cafe. Sometimes Athena and I walk over there for a “date”.  We spend time browsing in our favorite sections, coming back together every 15 minutes or so to report on what we’ve been reading.  Some of the areas we will explore together like the travel books or the humor section. It’s fun to take a book on jokes or poetry and read aloud to each other.  When we get tired of reading, we head over to the music area. Here you can don some headphones and listen to 20 different CDs that are being featured. At some time during our “date” we plop down at the cafe and converse over a cup of hot tea, hot chocolate or a flavored cold spritzer and perhaps share a dessert. An hour or two in a bookstore helps spark communication between couples.  It’s a terrific way to learn more about the interests of your partner and to unwind together.  For an upcoming date, consider an hour or two at a local bookstore.  If your sweetheart has a shopping addiction, a better alternative might be the library.

JUST FOR FUN

VALENTINE RECIPES – WAY TO A MAN’S HEART

  • Jello Jiggler Hearts: Similar to Knox recipe. Use recipe on boxes of Jello. Make jello using 3 small boxes of jello and 3 cups hot water. Set in baking pan with edges. When set cut into shapes with cookie cutter – heart of course is the most popular shape this time of year.
  • Heart Sandwiches: Use large heart shaped cookie cutters to cut heart shapes into bread. Spread with your favorite spread (raspberry, strawberry jam) and serve a special lunch this year!!
  • Valentine cake: Instead of buying a cake mold for Valentines you probably already have one!! Bake a two layer cake. One in a round pan, one in a square pan. When baked and cool….slice the round one in half. Place each half of the round on two corner of the square and you will have a perfect heart shape. Decorate with icing and imperils.
  • Special breakfast: Fry eggs for breakfast inside a large heart shaped cookie cutter placed on a grill. The egg will cook in the shape of the heart!! Dont forget to cut the toast with a heart cookie cutter as well once it is toasted!!

FUN LIST

HOW TO KNOW WHEN YOU’RE READY FOR PARENTHOOD

  • MESS TEST: Smear peanut butter on the sofa and curtains. Now rub your hands in the wet flower bed and rub on the walls. Cover the stains with crayons. Place a fish stick behind the couch and leave it there all summer.
  • TOY TEST: Obtain a 55-gallon box of LEGOs. (If LEGOs are not available, you may substitute roofing tacks or broken bottles.) Have a friend spread them all over the house. Put on a blindfold. Try to walk to the bathroom or kitchen. Do not scream (this could wake a child at night).
  • GROCERY STORE TEST: Borrow one or two small animals (goats are best) and take them with you as you shop at the grocery store. Always keep them in sight and pay for anything they eat or damage.
  • DRESSING TEST: Obtain one large, unhappy, live octopus. Stuff it into a small net bag making sure that all arms stay inside.
  • FEEDING TEST: Obtain a large plastic milk jug. Fill it halfway with water. Suspend from the ceiling with a stout cord. Get the jug swinging. Try to insert spoonfuls of soggy cereal (such as Fruit Loops or Cheerios) into the mouth of the jug while pretending to be an airplane. Now dump the contents of the jug on the floor.
  • NIGHT TEST: Prepare by obtaining a small cloth bag and fill it with 8 to 12 pounds of sand. Soak it thoroughly in water. At 8 PM begin to waltz and hum with the bag until 9 PM. Lay down your bag and set your alarm for 10:00 PM. Get up, pick up your bag, and sing every song you have ever heard. Make up about a dozen more and sing them until 4:00 AM. Set alarm for 5:00 AM. Get up and make breakfast. Keep this up for 5 years. Look cheerful.
  • PHYSICAL TEST (WOMEN): Obtain a large beanbag chair and attach it to the front of your clothes. Leave it there for 9 mo. Now remove 10% of the beans.
  • PHYSICAL TEST (MEN): Go to the nearest drug store. Set your wallet on the counter. Ask the clerk to help himself. Now proceed to the nearest food store. Go to the head office and arrange for your paycheck to be directly deposited to the store. Purchase a newspaper. Go home and read it quietly for the last time.
  • FINAL ASSIGNMENT: Find a couple who already has a small child. Lecture them on how they can improve their child’s discipline, patience, tolerance, toilet training, and table manners. Suggest many things they can improve as well. Emphasize to them that they should never allow their children to run riot. Enjoy this experience. It will be the last time you’ll have all the answers.

MORE SHOW PREP STUFF…

Here’s something to keep in mind as we approach Valentines Day. A simple hug can save your life. Experts say oxytocin, or what they call the ‘love hormone’, increases during a hug, causing a calming effect. In fact, the effects from one hug in the morning lasted throughout a tough work day.

OTHER STUFF I WANT TO CRAM INTO TODAY’S PREP

Matthew 25:40 = says “…’Truly I tell you, whatever you did for one of the least of these brothers and sisters of mine, you did for me’.”  Joe the Barber has taken that verse and is living by it.  /// When Anthony Cymerys, 83, heard an inspiring sermon about serving those in need, he had to do something. Not content with just donating money or dropping off food, the retired real estate investor picked up his hair clippers and hit the streets.  For 26 years, Cymerys has made sure the homeless of Hartford, Conn. can feel proud about their appearance. Affectionately known as “Joe the Barber,” he gives haircuts, shaves and massages all for the low, low price of a hug.  “It’s all about inspiring people to do things for the least of our brothers,” Cymerys said. But then he was kicked out of the park for giving his hug-priced haircuts.  Now? Well, now he’s been let back in.  ***What I really love about this story is that Joe didn’t have to go out looking for a special way to treat the poor in a special way – all he did was take what he was already doing and decided to bless others with it.  How great of a world would this be if we all did the same – using the talents and resources we already have in abundance, and simply share them freely with those in need!

Time Magazine is out with a new video on the sights and sounds of space. Using images from NASA the four minute video looks at photographs taken over the years of the solar system we call home.  http://ow.ly/Pe2h3

We often ask God to speak to us – but has He ever spoken to you through your own hair? /// Kristin Kissee battled non-Hodgkin’s lymphoma several years ago and came out on top. To celebrate, she posted a photo to Facebook in 2011 of her hair coming back after chemotherapy and radiation.  In the midst of a recent “rough day,” Kissee looked for help from above.  She says, “I was feeling overwhelmed having to adjust to life with a newborn and a 3-year-old with autism, along with the anticipation of my latest scan results…so I prayed for strength and peace.”  She found her inspiration while looking at that 2011 photo. In her hairline at the top of her forehead, there sat the word ‘GOD’ written out in her curls.  Kissee says she believes seeing the Lord’s name in her locks was no mere coincidence.  “I was overcome with feelings of joy and serenity,” she said. “I cried. God answered my prayers.” 

Baseball cards have been around for years. Now iMom is out with a series of founding fathers trading cards. The series of seven cards give bits of information about the men who helped birth our country, from George Washington to Benjamin Franklin. Download a set for your kids! http://bit.ly/1Nsl21z  

Does doing good just for the sake of doing good, actually do any good?  Craig MacDonald would have to say YES. /// Craig MacDonald is an elementary teacher in Halifax, Nova Scotia.  He’s known for raising money for sick children through the Children’s Wish Foundation.  But recently he found himself battling an illness of his own.  So his friends decided it was time to return some kindness and help Craig MacDonald out.  Drew Vinson, MacDonald’s friend, started a crowd funding campaign to help MacDonald with travel and other bills while he was in the hospital.  Vinson started his campaign and raised more than CA$4,600 (about $4,300 U.S.) in less than a week.  Vinson said, “It’s probably the easiest [fundraiser] I’ve even been involved with to get people behind, because everyone loves Craig so much and have been touched by so many of his events.”  Vinson wrote on his crowd funding website, “Let’s see if we can’t give a little back to a man who’s always given all that he can.”   ***MARLAR: So don’t ever think that doing a good deed isn’t doing any good.  Someday, that good deed might need to be returned to you!

New research is showing that our brains may well be hardwired for belief in God. According to a report in Relevant Magazine Researchers at the University of Oxford decided to test the idea. They conducted a massive series of experiments across cultures and continents. These experiments found that children believe God to be all knowing. Also Adults across cultures overwhelmingly believe in some form of life after death. 

A study conducted by a Christian researcher reveals that physical healing can occur as a result of the power of prayer. According to a report in the Christian Post, the study at the Thomas Jefferson Hospital and Medical College in Pennsylvania used MRI brain scans to prove that there is power in prayer. The study also found that prayer is much like a physical workout for the brain. (Read the entire article here: http://goo.gl/ypfdjq)

If you want to get rich, start investing — and start as early as you possibly can. If you’re just out of college, put away $3.57 a day — the price of a typical fast food value meal — and you’ll be a millionaire by the time you’re 65. Put away more as you make more and you’ll get to millionaire status faster.

AND I LEAVE YOU WITH THIS THOUGHT

Last night I was stuck at my friend’s house watching home videos of their vacation to Florida. Bo-rr-inggg! Anyway, in almost every single scene of the beach I saw people with their babies. Why? Babies don’t need a vacation. But you still see them at the beach. What’s that all about? I figure if I ever visit Florida, when no one’s looking I’ll go over to a baby and ask, ‘What are you doing here? You haven’t worked a day in your life.'”

THE TICKET Movie Reviews with MARIE ASNER

Marie Asner has been reviewing films for over 35 years. Her outlets include radio, print and Internet. For more in-depth movie reviews of the following films, visit www.Tollbooth.org. Ratings from 1 (Low) to 5 (High).

JANUARY 27, 2017…

Academy Award Nominations are announced this week.

Resident Evil: The Final Chapter—Mila Jovovich comes back as Alice to go against that evil Umbrella Corporation in Raccoon City. Also in the cast are Li Bingbing, Glen Iain and Ever Gabe Anderson. “Resident Evil: The Final Chapter” is rated R. Rating of 2 for fans and you know who you are.

(opening from an earlier date) Julieta—This is a Spanish language film (subtitled) directed by Pedro Almodovar. It concerns a mother’s (Emma Svarez)  search for a missing daughter. Also in the cast are Daniel Grao and Adriana Ugarte. “Julieta” is rated R. No rating.

(opening from an earlier date) Gold—Try, just try to recognize Matthew McConaughey in the role of Kenny Wells who goes to Borneo to find gold. You read that right.  His girlfriend, Bryce Dallas Howard, faithfully follows him.  People will do just about anything to get rich in a hurry.  Also in the cast are Edgar Ramirez and Corey Stoll. “Gold” is rated R. Rating of 2 for fans.

A Dog’s Purpose—Bring hanky.  The film is adapted from the book by W. Bruce Cameron about a dog named Toby, who is reincarnated time after time into certain situations where you can help people. The human cast includes Britt Robertson, Josh Gad and Dennis Quaid. “A Dog’s Purpose” is rated PG 13. Rating of 2.

Bastards—Owen Wilson is searching for his supposedly dead father, who supposedly died a long time ago. What next? Also in the cast are Ed Helms, Glenn Close and J. K. Simmons. “Bastard” is rated R. No rating.

FEBRUARY 3, 2017…

The Space Between Us (opening from an earlier date) concerns the first child born on Mars.

Rings is a sequel to the supernatural film of several years ago and stars Johnny Galecki.

The Comedian has Robert DeNiro on a comeback road but doing community service because of an outburst. This is a comedy/drama. Also stars Leslie Mann.

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Darren Marlar credits all non-original material to the author whenever possible. All other material is original, used with permission, or author unknown. We welcome all comments, questions, and suggestions. Darren can be reached via his website at www.DarrenMarlar.com.