February 05, 2016: Friday ONAIRprep

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Welcome to (THE JOCK SHOW) – coming to you from directly under the noses of the FCC!


I can please only one person per day. Today is not your day. Tomorrow isn’t looking good either.




“He who conceals his transgressions will not prosper, but he who confesses and forsakes them will find compassion.” – Proverbs 28:13


I will sing of your strength, in the morning I will sing of your love; for you are my fortress, my refuge in times of trouble. — Psalm 59:16


Grace to all who love our Lord Jesus Christ with an undying love. — Ephesians 6:24




(From VerseOfTheDay.com)

For you know that it was not with perishable things such as silver or gold that you were redeemed from the empty way of life handed down to you from your forefathers, but with the precious blood of Christ, a lamb without blemish or defect. — 1 Peter 1:18-19


Thought: A: “How much did it cost?” B: “What? This old thing? This sack of bones and blood and brain? This heart and mind and soul that live inside?” A: “Yeah! How much did it cost?” B: “It cost the greatest gift of heaven to redeem it and make me whole. That’s how much God thinks of me. Incredible, isn’t it?!”


Prayer: Father, I am bewildered, humbled, and thrilled to know that you value me so highly. Forgive me for cheapening myself with sin, for dwelling on things that are petty, and for chasing after things that are worthless. Thank you for loving me so. By your Spirit, please help me live up to the value you see in me and aspire to the lofty life you call me to live. In Jesus’ name I pray. Amen.


The Thoughts and Prayers for Today’s Verse are written by Phil Ware. You can email questions or comments to phil@heartlight.org.




The chapter and verse corresponds to the month and the day!

1 Corinthians 2:5 NIV= so that your faith might not rest on human wisdom, but on God’s power.




(NOTE: Some holidays may be duplicated due to various calendars reporting conflicting dates)


Today is FAMILY LEAVE DAY. In 1993, President Clinton signed the Family Leave Bill, which allowed workers to take time off to deal with the birth or adoption of a child.  *** “Family Leave Day” can also be used to finally tell your relatives to get out because they’ve over-stayed their welcome from Christmas. Family… leave!


NATIONAL PAY YOUR BILLS WEEK.  *** HA! Like that’s gonna happen.


Today is NATIONAL WEATHERPERSON’S DAY.  *** Formerly Weatherman’s Day until society wised up and realized a woman could screw up the forecast just as well as a man.



     In the paper one Sunday the editor’s page

Gave a big lot of space to the Weather Man sage
Where it told how he hit the old nail on the head
With predictions resulting just like he had said.
But it never did mention the failures of late
That were known to the Weather Man date after date
When he called for the clouds and the downpouring rain,
Yet there came not a drop for the unsprouted grain.

     So the Weather Man wondered, ”What response can I make?
I must pinch myself hard; am I really awake?
I never deserved this acclaim so profuse,
And so when I am right they just treat it like news.




  1. When after he spent 3 years in university, learning about weather patterns and the works before becoming a weatherman, she becomes a weather-lady right out of high school, cause she’s cute.


  1. People always asking the difference between partly cloudy and partly sunny.


  1. Forecasting weatherpigs that bring in the best ratings the station’s ever had.


  1. When the producers make the blue screen show his baby pictures instead of the weather.


  1. Having to do that stupid “Santa’s sleigh” bit on the radar every Christmas.


  1. Stupid sports reporters who use the weather computers to check out ESPN.com.


  1. The intern that keeps putting smiley face on your thunder clouds.


  1. Nobody understands that, on a global scale, 2 days or 50 miles is just NO BIG DEAL!!


  1. Family keeps giving him blue sweaters for Christmas and expecting him to wear them on the air.


  1. It’s *meteorologist.* I’m a meteorologist!!!




Adlai Stevenson Day

Move Hollywood and Broadway to Lebanon, PA Day

Shower With a Friend Day (***They’d better be a reeeeeally good friend!)

Weatherperson’s Day

Western Monarch Day

World Nutella Day

National Doodle Day

Bubble Gum Day

Cordova Ice Worm Day

Give Kids a Smile Day

Wear Red Day

Working Naked Day (***I’m on the radio, so you’d never know… and no, I’m not going to tell you.)





Canadian Maple Syrup Day

Lame Duck Day

Girl Scout Cookie Day

International Day of Zero Tolerance to Female Genital Mutilation

Ice Cream For Breakfast Day

Take Your Child to the Library Day



Dump Your Significant Jerk Day

“e” Day

Ballet Day

National Periodic Table Day

Popcorn Day

Super Bowl 50

Wave All Your Fingers At Your Neighbors Day

Man Day



Boy Scout Anniversary

Laugh And Get Rich Day

Chinese New Year

Opera Day



Mardi Gras

National Stop Bullying Day

National Pizza Day

Paczki Day

Read in the Bathtub Day

Safer Internet Day

Toothache Day

Extraterrestrial Culture Day

Extraterrestrial Visitor Day

International Pancake Day



Plimsoll Day

All The News That’s Fit To Print Day



Be Electrific Day

Don’t Cry Over Spilled Milk Day

Get Out Your Guitar Day

Make a Friend Day

Pro Sports Wives Day

National Shut-In Visitation Day

Satisfied Staying Single Day

White Shirt Day (White T-shirt Day)

World Day of the Sick



Lincoln’s Birthday

Oglethorpe Day

Paul Bunyan Day (Born Feb 12, 1834 in Bangor, ME)

Safety Pup Day




1631: Liberal militant Roger Williams arrived in Boston from England. He founded the American Baptist Church.


1881: In Arizona the city of Phoenix was incorporated.


1933: Claude King was born in Shreveport. His only hit record came in 1962 when “Wolverton Mountain” reached #6 on the Billboard Hot 100.


1940: Glenn Miller and his band recorded “Tuxedo Junction” at the RCA Victor studios in Manhattan.


1972: Bob Douglas became the first black man elected to the Basketball Hall of Fame in Springfield, Massachusetts. Douglas owned and coached the New York Renaissance, an all-black team that won 88 consecutive games in 1933.


1974: In a regional basketball tournament in Stockholm, one boys team defeated another 272-0. Thirteen-year-old Mats Wermelin scored all 272 points, the most ever scored by one player in a basketball game (Guinness).


1991: The U.S. issued a patent (#4,989,275) to Dan Fain of Chancellor, Alabama, for his Flushable Vehicle Spittoon, a device that allows a person to spit while driving. Connected to the vehicle’s windshield washer reservoir, the spittoon can be flushed and emptied onto the road beneath the car or truck.


1991: In Harare, Zimbabwe, a guard hired to protect President Robert Mugabe accidentally shot a hole through the roof of the president’s plane. He didn’t want anyone to know, so he covered the hole with masking tape. Fortunately, a safety inspector found the hole before the plane took off.


1994: Philadelphia authorities accused dancer Crystal Storm of “deceptive advertising” for claiming that her bust measured “127” when actually it was only 50 inches. Ms. Storm said the “127” was centimeters.


1997: The Nicaraguan government banned the eating of green iguanas, fearing the animal was becoming an endangered species. Traditionally during Holy Week, Nicaraguans ate green iguana soup and chicken-fried green iguanas. Under the new law, green iguana eaters could be fined 50 cordabas ($5.50) per iguana.


1998: Residents of Brazil, Indiana, lured a 100-pound wayward bear into a cage on their front porch with Lucky Charms. His captors said the bear loved the sweet cereal, but preferred his Lucky Charms with Coca-Cola instead of milk.


1999: Former heavyweight boxing champ Mike Tyson was sentenced in Maryland to a year in jail for assaulting two motorists following a traffic accident. He served 3½ months.


2001: Chuck Barr of Jamestown, California, got a notice from the Tuolumne County Library that he hadn’t paid his bill for damages on a book he had borrowed.  The tab was for just under $40 trillion. Barr said he was glad the whole thing was a computer glitch because he would have been a little short.


2007: A woman who boarded the wrong bus in Thailand on a shopping trip to Malaysia returned home after being lost for 25 years.  Jaeyana Beuraheng told her eight children she accidentally boarded a bus bound for Bangkok instead of Malaysia, and once there she boarded a second incorrect bus to Chiang Mai because she could not read or speak Thai or English. She speaks only Yawi.  After years of begging in the streets, she was taken to a charity hostile, where three students from her home village showed up for training. They could understand her Yawi and helped her find her way back home.




767: Alcuin, the academic who would later play a large role in establishing schools under Charlemagne, becomes headmaster of York Cathedral School, where he once studied. Alcuin’s curriculum was built on the seven liberal arts: the elementary Trivium (grammar, rhetoric, and dialectic) and the more advanced Quadrivium (music, arithmetic, geometry, and astronomy).


1594: Giovanni F. da Palestrina, the most gifted composer of Renaissance church music, dies.


1631: English clergyman Roger Williams arrives in America. After questioning Massachusetts’ fusion of church and state, he was banished. He bought land from Native Americans and founded Rhode Island, where he established America’s first Baptist church in America. His writings on religious liberty were greatly influential in securing that freedom later in America.


1736: Methodism cofounders and brothers John and Charles Wesley arrive in Savannah, Georgia. They were to be missionaries to the Native Americans, and John was to be pastor of the Savannah parish. Their efforts failed. “I went to America to convert the Indians; but O! Who shall convert me?” he asked two years later.


1745: Popular British poet and dramatist Hannah More is born. She renounced the social life and concentrated on religious efforts, such as setting up Sunday schools. For her work with the Clapham Sect of British social reformers, she was once derisively called “a bishop in petticoats”.


1812: Ann Hasseltine weds Adoniram Judson. The two sail shortly afterward for India, but wind up in Burma where Ann was instrumental in language learning and Bible translation, not to mention saving her husband’s life when he was taken a captive.


1835: Daniel Lindley, one of the great South African missionary pioneers,, first sees Africa from the ship’s deck through a mist.


1837: Dwight Lyman (D.L.) Moody, the greatest evangelist of his day and one of the greatest revivalists of all time, is born in Northfield, Massachusetts. Speaking to 10,000 or 20,000 at a time, he presented his message, by voice or pen, to at least 100 million people.


1864: Having already established herself as a poet, 44-year-old Fanny Crosby pens her first hymn. She went on to write 8,000 more before her death 50 years later.


1885: The Cambridge Seven, zealous upper class young men, set off to do mission work in China.


1900: Pandit Kharah Singh dies; he had wandered across India, preaching Christ.




  • actress (The Mothman Prophecies, Congo, The Truman Show, “John Adams”) Laura Linney 52
  • actress (Backdraft, Single White Female, Fast Times at Ridgemont High, Spawn) Jennifer Jason Leigh 54
  • actress (“The Monroes”, “The Mountain”, “Chicago Hope”, Beaches, Tinmen, Hoosiers) Barbara Hershey 68




(Music Artist Birthdays From SongFacts.com)

1929 : Hal Blaine

1930 : Don Goldie

1933 : Claude King

1935 : Alex Harvey

1941 : Barrett Strong

1942 : Cory Wells (Three Dog Night)

1943 : Chuck Winfield (Blood, Sweat & Tears)

1944 : J.R. Cobb (Classics IV, Atlanta Rhythm Section)

1944 : Al Kooper (The Blues Project, Blood, Sweat & Tears)

1948 : Alan Barrows (The Folksmen)

1948 : Nigel Tufnel (Spinal Tap)

1949 : Nigel Olsson (The Elton John Band)

1964 : Duff McKagan (Guns N’ Roses)

1968 : Chris Barron (Spin Doctors)

1969 : Bobby Brown

1971 : Sara Lynn Evans




Did Sigmund Freud do a lot of studying of the subconscious?

Sigmund Freud is associated with many important ideas, the existence of the subconscious being the most significant. But you knew that, right? If you did, you’re wrong. Freud had nothing to do with anything called the “subconscious.” He called it the “unconscious” and specifically rejected the very notion of a sub consciousness even existing. ***MARLAR: So what’s the difference between the two? I dunno. I guess the unconscious is about how you think you’re thinking about one thing when you’re really thinking about thinking about something else, I think. And the subconscious is about periscopes and torpedoes.




Do you like the Christian Artist News you see below? It’s just a tiny sample of the 5-6 pages of material you could be receive every weekday… and it’s FREE!  Become one of their subscribers at ChristianRadioShowPrepServices.com!

Kutless member James Mead on what he would be doing if he wasn’t playing in a Christian band: I’ve always wanted to be an actor. But I’d like to write some books too, and start a clothing company.


Casting Crowns Jaun Devevo is offering a new service. He posted a flyer on the bulletin board by the Henry County YMCA pool offering Tearable puns. Need a smile; just tear off and read one. Jaun added: If there’s a line, please be patient. I’ll make more



Louie Giglio recently shared a picture on instagram with Rhett Lashlee, a recruiter for the Auburn University football team. Louie quipped: Had a drop in recruiting by visit. However, Louie added that he was too slow and too old so he didn’t make the cut.


Third Day’s Mark Lee is out with his list of 10 books every Christian should read. Check out Mark’s list and see how it compares with your own.

  1. The One Year Bible.
  2. Rick Warren’s Bible Study Methods.
  3. Mere Christianity, by C.S. Lewis.
  4. Celebration of Discipline, by Richard Foster.
  5. The God You Can Know, by Dan DeHaan.
  6. Roaring Lambs, by Bob Briner.
  7. Ragamuffin Gospel, by Brennan Manning.
  8. My Utmost for His Highest, by Oswald Chambers.
  9. Practicing His Presence, by Frank Laubach and Brother Lawrence.
  10. Walking on Water, by Madeleine L’Engle.



Another unique tidbit about the state of Oregon from Kutless member James Mead. He tweeted: Because it’s Oregon, we have a commercial for trees. Just trees. It doesn’t seem to be for selling anything. It’s just about trees.


Question of the day from Natalie Grant: Ever have those moments where you just stop and ask yourself, “what am I doing? And why am I doing it?”


The artists participating in this years The Bible Tour have been announced. Taking part will be Matthew West, Sidewalk Prophets, Aaron Shust, Love and the Outcome, and Blanca. The tour will take place in April.



Sidewalk Prophets front man Dave was recently in Detroit as part of the Winterjam tour. During their trip to Detroit Dave gave what he termed “a poor mans tour of the Detroit Pistons locker room. Dave added that he was going to be the Pistons secret weapon that night. His nickname: the bowling ball of destruction.



The Skillet song Monster has been recognized as the biggest digital single in Christian music history. According to The Media Collective, the song received 2 times platinum certification this week, accumulating over 2.6 million in sales and streams.


Chris Tomlin and Tim Tebow are competing for a special cause. In a new spot recorded by the two well known Christian leaders, Chris and Tim ask for your help in supporting Cure, an organization that works with Christian Doctors and Nurses to heal people around the world in the name of Jesus. You can watch Tim try to sing a worship song and then see Chris attempt to take Tim down on the football field and then choose to join either join team Chris or Team Tim. https://twitter.com/pauljgoldsmith/status/694698433190334464





(No news on the weekends.  Audio clips are only valid for a few days before being removed from our servers.)



“Late Show” host Stephen Colbert has landed this Sunday’s post-Super Bowl time slot. His CBS talk show will air to a much larger audience than usual, starting just after the game. The high profile slot usually goes to a prime time show the network airing the big game wants to promote.  ***It’s the network’s last-ditch effort to let people know that Stephen Colbert exists.


A new report states that by 2050 there will be more pieces of trash than fish in the world’s oceans.  ***But then, Al Gore also predicated the end of the world by 2016, and that the ice caps would be melted by 2014… and we see how well those predictions turned out.


Following Marco Rubio strong showing in the Iowa caucuses, he apparently wants to be referred to by the slang term “bae,” as “Ru(bae)o” T-shirts are now available in his online store.  ***Obviously Ru(bae)o is going after the uneducated, annoying slang using demographic… in other words, all of America.


Donald Trump’s plane, nicknamed Trump Force One, made an unscheduled landing at Nashville International Airport on Wednesday afternoon after the control tower received a report that the plane was experiencing engine trouble.  *** All planes have a weight limit – and that ego of his is reeeeeeeeeally heavy.




Burger King is going cage-free by 2017.  ***MARLAR: That’s too bad. Cage fighting is a good way to burn off those Triple Whopper with cheese calories.


Oreos are as addictive as cocaine, at least for lab rats, and just like us, they like the creamy center best. Researchers (at Connecticut College) found eating the sugary treats activates more neurons in the brain’s “pleasure center” than drugs such as cocaine.  ***MARLAR: And if you think this story is balderdash, that you’re not addicted to Oreos and can stop eating them whenever you want… well, that’s the first sign you have a problem.


According to a new report, legal marijuana is the fastest-growing industry in the United States and if the trend toward legalization spreads to all 50 states, marijuana could become larger than the organic food industry.  ***MARLAR: Which will be traded-in for Dr. Pepper and Funions.


The military is developing drones with the ability to make lethal attack decisions without human input.  ***MARLAR: If your name is Sarah or John Conner, you might want to consider a name change.












OPEN: And now, FancyMonkey.com, (Show Name), and (Station Call Letters) bring you As the Jungle Turns!  When last we left the jungle, Sully the Aardvark was extremely angry at Gruffy Bear for continually breaking promises to play checkers with him.  And the bowling team in the tournament, which started this whole mess, doesn’t need Gruffy anymore now either…


CLOSE: It’s good that Sully isn’t holding a grudge in all of this – and finding Nozzles to play checkers with is a great idea.  But now Gruffy is really depressed about how he acted.  Will he be able to make everything right again?  Find out next time, As the Jungle Turns!






OPEN: And now, FancyMonkey.com, (Show Name), and (Station Call Letters) bring you As the Jungle Turns!  Last time, Louis the lion – made king of the jungle by all the rest of the animals – found out that being king is a really big responsibility, and decided he didn’t want to be king any longer.  So now all of the animals are out looking for a new animal to take over the throne – and it’s not going well!


CLOSE: Sounds like they’re getting closer to finding a king… at least they’ve found some kingly, uh… stuff.  Tune in again next time for another episode of As the Jungle Turns!


***You may simulcast “As the Jungle Turns” on the Internet stream of your live broadcast only. Any other Internet use of “As the Jungle Turns” in whole or part including podcasting of your live broadcast is a violation of copyright law. Thank you for your cooperation on this vitally important issue. If you have any questions, please e-mail us and ask about “Jungle Jam & Friends the Radio Show” usage.




It’s probably the most ridiculous “zero tolerance” school policy to date – and it’s today’s Moment of Duh!

Prosecutors in Denton County, Texas have decided to wash their hands of a case against a Lewisville middle school student who was actually accused of trying to get high by sniffing his teacher’s hand sanitizer. The 7th grader in question had used some of the hand sanitizer on his teacher’s desk, rubbed it on his hands and then smelled his hands. He said he did it just because it smelled good. Apparently school officials thought he was TRYING TO GET HIGH and had delinquency charges filed against him. Three days later prosecutors came to their senses and decided that the common cleaning gel is not an abusive inhalant under the Texas Health and Safety Code. Richard Ortiz, the boy’s father, was outraged saying his son was embarrassed and humiliated by the charge. He described his son as a well-behaved teenager who makes good grades.





  1. You are not too bad to come in. You are not too good to stay out.
    9. Come in and have your faith lifted.
    8. Come in and let us prepare you for your finals.
    7. No matter how much you nurse a grudge it won’t get better.
    6. Everything you always wanted to know about heaven and hell but were afraid to ask.
  2. [At an Arizona church in August] You think it’s hot HERE?
    4. What on earth are you doing for heaven’s sake?
  3. Fight truth decay…study the Bible daily.
    2. Where will you be sitting in eternity? Smoking or non-smoking?
    1. Come, work for the Lord. The work is hard, the hours long and the pay is low. But the retirement benefits are out of this world.




Never attack a woman while she’s holding a snow shovel!


FILE #1: In Maryland Heights, Missouri, a couple of purse snatchers picked the wrong women to attack. The victims fought back – with a snow shovel! The incident took place outside a Schnucks grocery store. The women were loading groceries when the thieves tried to steal two purses from their cart. One of the women grabbed a snow shovel from the suspects’ pickup and smacked one of the men upside the head. The other woman jumped into the cab and attacked the other suspect, then grabbed the keys so he couldn’t drive away. Police tracked both suspects to a hotel. The one struck with the shovel required staples to close the gash in his head. Both are now recovering in jail!


FILE #2: In other victims-fighting-back news, in Kansas City, Missouri, 18-year-old Dandre Bell, tried to hold up an 80-year-old woman at gunpoint. How embarrassing it must be for him that the woman grabbed his own gun in a scuffle and then pointed it back at him and threatened to use it. Dandre gambled that she was bluffing and ran off but police found him later in his own apartment. Didn’t help his case that they found the victim’s checks in his pocket that he had taken from her purse. He told police he needed “to get money for his baby”.


FILE #3: 52-year-old Kirby Dean Guyette stands accused of robbing two banks in Santa Ana, California. Known as the “Hobo Bandit” for his appearance, one of the bank tellers he robbed went home and painted a portrait of Kirby completely from memory. Authorities said the painting depicting a middle-aged man with bushy eyebrows and a salt-and-pepper goatee shared similarities with surveillance video of the robber. Police finally caught up with Kirby and arrested him along with his alleged getaway driver, 52-year-old Jack Paine.


STRANGE LAW: Bowling is forbidden in Evanston, IL.




Sometimes free advertising isn’t such a bargain.

Bridgeport, Connecticut’s Steven Zahorsky decided to take advantage of the free classifieds on Craigslist to advertise his products. Those products would be a half-ounce of “A plus” marijuana for $220 and the same amount of “B plus” marijuana for $160. Needless to say, the local police were interested in making a purchase so an undercover officer made the necessary arrangements, made the buy and the bust. Steven told officers he had no idea why he was being arrested and even let them search his apartment, where they found three bags of marijuana, one bag of hallucinogenic mushrooms, a shotgun, 118 rounds of ammunition and a digital scale.




People love to talk about how they met their special someone.  But did you first meet your significant other in a weird place or in a weird way?  Do you meet him or her in the basement of an office building during a tornado warning?  In the walk-in freezer of a grocery store?  At a homeless mission?  In the restroom at an amusement park?  What weird way or place did you first meet your special someone?




QUESTION: How many sons did Gideon have?

ANSWER: Seventy-one. (Judges 8:30 – 9:5)




QUESTION: Of the first 23 NASA astronauts, 21 had this in common.  What was it?

ANSWER: They were firstborn




Pay attention!  If our next player doesn’t answer all ten T/F questions correctly we start all over from question #1!  First person to answer question #10 correctly is our winner!


  1. McDonald’s uses 2,500 pounds of sesame seeds a year. (False – try 2,500 tons!)


  1. About 215 pairs of jeans can be made from a single bale of cotton. (True)


  1. When Play-Doh was first introduced, in 1956, the only color available was grey. (False – the only color was off-white.)


  1. Unatractiphobia is the fear of ugliness. (True)


  1. Sir Ernest Shakletons newspaper ad for his 1914 expedition read as such: ” Men Wanted For Hazardous Journey, Small wages, bitter cold, long months of darkness, constant danger, safe return doubtful. Honour and recognition in case of success”. (True)


  1. In Monopoly, the character that’s behind bars is named Jake the Jailbird. (True)


  1. There were 7 tail feathers on the original NBC peacock. (False, 11)


  1. 160 cars can drive side by side on the Monumental Axis in Brazil, the world’s widest road. (True)


  1. Buckingham Palace has over six hundred rooms. (True)


  1. Built in 1697, the Frankford Avenue Bridge which crosses Penny pack Creek in Philadelphia is the oldest U.S. Bridge in continuous use. (True)




You have to match the blank in the tabloid headline with the word or phrase that has been removed!


HOUSTON –  NASA says that this year the sun will awaken and destroy all satellites

NASA recently published a frightening report.   According to NASA astronomers, after years of hibernation, the Sun will wake up and Earth will suffer some deadly consequences, including global failure all satellite communications.

In his report, Defense Secretary Liam Fox noted that the perfect electromagnetic storm will lead to a technogenic disaster on Earth. He cited recent statistics that indicate that the surface temperature of hot stars is rapidly increasing.

Solar storms will generate a great level of radiation that will affect the Earth’s magnetic field. This could prove to be a collapse for the humanity – trains and planes will stop, GPS-navigation will be affected, mobile and radio networks will disappear.





A Polish immigrant went to the DMV to apply for a driver’s license.  First, of course, he had to take an eye sight test. The optician showed him a card with the letters: C Z W I X N O S T A C Z.
“Can you read this?” the optician asked.
“Read it?” the Polish guy replied, “I know the guy.”



A nursery school teacher was delivering a station wagon full of kids to their homes when a fire truck zoomed past. Sitting in the front seat of the fire truck was a Dalmatian.

The children fell to discussing the dog’s duties.

“They use him to keep crowds back,” said one youngster.

“No,” said another, “the dog’s for good luck.”

A third child brought the argument to a close. “They use the dogs,” she said firmly, “to

find the fire hydrants!”



An area pastor tells of his first Sunday in the new parish and presenting the children’s message.  Seems the sanctuary in the new church had some magnificent stained glass windows, so his message centered on how each of us is called of God to help make up the whole picture of life (the life of the community of the faithful).  Like the pictures in the windows, it takes many little panels of glass to make the whole picture.

And then he said, “You see each one of you is a little pane.”

And then pointing to each child, “You’re a little pane. And you’re a little pane. And you’re a little pane. And…”

It took a few moments before he realize why everyone was laughing so hard.

”He” is the Rev. Charles Fitzgerald, Wesley United Methodist Church, Tyrone, PA




Soldiers in Belarus have been ordered to take up ballet as a way to improve “devotion and discipline.” Bellarussian military officials claim the discipline involved in learning dance moves and the passion music can produce are fundamental to military success. ***MARLAR: And when a soldier runs out of ammo, a few ballet moves could give him enough time to grab his enemy’s gun while the enemy is doubled over in laughter. (audio clip)


The Brazilian parliament has passed a bill banning people from giving their pets “human” names, and leveling fines and community service if they do. It still has to be approved by a community commission to become law. Bill author Pastor Reinaldo told Terra Noticias Populares, “It is terribly embarrassing when someone finds out that someone else has named their pets with their name.”  ***MARLAR: They do have a point.  I know it was always embarrassing to my little brother, Fido.





The newly-married husband came home from the office to find his young wife in a flood of tears. “Darling, whatever is the matter?” he asks.

“Sweetheart,” she sobs, “the most terrible thing happened! I cooked my very first Beef Bourguignon for you, and I got it out the oven to season it, and the phone rang. When I came back from answering the phone,” she sobbed again, “I found that the cat had eaten it!”

“Don’t worry, darling,” said her husband. “Don’t cry. We can always get you a new cat.”




It feels so good to scratch that itch and now we know why.

Scientists have found that scratching an itch temporarily shuts off areas in the brain linked with unpleasant feelings and memories. Previous studies found that pain, including vigorous scratching, reduces a person’s need to itch. By monitoring people’s brains to see what goes on inside our head when we scratch they also found out why one scratch often leads to another. They say that’s because scratching is linked to a part of the brain known to control compulsive behavior.





Why is it,” said the rich man to his minister, “that people call me stingy when everyone knows that when I die I’m leaving everything to the church?”

“Let me tell you a fable about the pig and the cow,” said the minister. “The pig was unpopular while the cow was beloved. This puzzled the pig. ‘People speak warmly of your gentle nature and your sorrowful eyes,’ the pig said to the cow. ‘They think you’re generous because each day you give them milk and cream. But what about me? I give them everything I have. I give bacon and ham. I provide bristles for brushes. They even pickle my feet! Yet not one likes me. Why is that?'”

“Do you know what the cow answered?” said the minister. “The cow said, ‘Perhaps it is because I give while I’m still living.'”

–Brian Cavanaugh





If anyone is in Christ, he is a new creation; old things have passed away; behold, all things have become new. – 2 Corinthians 5:17

A few years ago, singer Russ Lee came out with a song titled “I Smile.” When you discover how his life was changed by Jesus Christ, you’ll know why he sings a song that says, “I smile when I think about the way You turned my life around. I smile when I think about the happiness in You I’ve found.”

When Russ was 17, his days were wasted on drugs, alcohol, boredom, and pain. His life was full of self-inflicted trouble and hopelessness. One day, while listening to an old rock song called “I Can’t Get No Satisfaction,” he realized that this described his life. Two days later, a friend invited him to church. There Russ heard that real satisfaction comes from knowing Jesus Christ, so he reached out in faith to Him.

So, what was the first thing Russ did after trusting Christ? According to the book Touched By The Savior by Mike Yorkey, Russ said, “I walked back out to my car. In the trunk was a garbage bag filled with drugs I had been selling. I won’t be needing these again, I thought, and I was right. I threw the bag away. From that day forward, God transformed my life from the inside out. I became a new creation.”

No wonder Russ Lee can sing with exuberance, “I smile.” Can you?


Admit that you are a sinner and ask for God’s forgiveness (Romans 3:23). Accept the free gift of eternal life, paid for by the death of Jesus Christ (Romans 6:23).


A song in the heart puts a smile on the face.

–Dave Branon




A college student from New Hampshire received a $2 million coat from his girlfriend for Christmas…

…Justin T. Krook, a senior at Fitchburg State University, was given a new coat from his girlfriend with 10 lottery tickets stuck in the pocket. And you guessed it — the last one he scratched off was a winner! Krook says he plans to use the $2 million jackpot to buy a new car and pay off his student loans. He says he can also take his time after graduation to look for the best job possible. ***MARLAR: At some point he might want to spend some of that money on a big rock for his girlfriend, don’t ya think?! Can you imagine the pressure if he ever wanted to break up with his girlfriend now?! “You can’t break up with me — I made you a millionaire!”




A survey from a greeting card company finds that while many women enjoy shopping for the romantic cards, men like it about as much as heartburn.

Some 900 million cards are purchased annually on Valentine’s Day, 85 percent of them by women. The survey from card-maker American Greetings Corp. of Cleveland found that men and women buy very different kinds of cards and for different reasons. Men often saw card-shopping as an “ordeal” which they do mostly because their wives or girlfriends expect to receive the cards, the survey found. The company also found women seem to enjoy sending and receiving the more romantic, traditional cards with hearts, flowers and rhymed verses. Men prefer cards that are short and to the point. Men and women were able to agree on one thing, though — they both liked cards that were funny.




The bible says that laughter is good medicine, and wouldn’t you know it; it’s right!

Laughing promotes good health especially for women. A new study reveals that happy women have less chance of suffering from heart problems, cancer, high blood pressure and weight gain. Meanwhile, happy men only showed lower risks of weight gain and high blood pressure. Researcher Dr. Andrew Steptoe of England’s University College London, who tested 3,000 subjects for the study, believes that good moods actually promote biological changes that are “health protective.” And laughing can actually pump up a person’s immune system for 24 hours. He also noted that mood states are linked to a person’s relationships with others and personal fulfillment. Steptoe concludes: “We need to help people to recognize the things that make them feel good and truly satisfied with their lives, so that they spend more time doing these things.”





According to a recent TheCarConnection.com poll, here are the top 10 list of wacky street names (all the roads are real and have been verified):

  1. Psycho Path in Traverse City, Michigan
  2. Divorce Court in Heather Highlands, Pennsylvania
  3. The intersection of Lonesome and Hardup in Albany, Georgia
  4. The intersection of Clinton and Fidelity in Houston, Texas
  5. Bucket of Blood Street in Holbrook, Arizona
  6. Unexpected Road in Buena, New Jersey
  7. Shades of Death Road in Warren County, New Jersey
  8. The intersection of Count and Basie in Richmond, Virginia
  9. Tater Peeler Road in Lebanon, Texas
  10. (My personal favorite) Farfrompoopen Road in Tennessee, which happens to be the only road up to Constipation Ridge – really!





An Essex school, which used “brutal honesty” in a jobs advertisement, said its approach is paying off. West Thurrock County Primary School ran an ad headlined: “Special Measures. No Head Teacher. Ugly Building. You’ll Love It.” By the way, “special measures” is official jargon for a failing school. Normal advertising, trying to make the school sound attractive, has failed, but the new ad has attracted seven candidates. They are competing for four places. According to acting Head Teacher, Tracey Thornton, they felt it would attract the kind of people who would want to work there, because they would have a sense of humor and they would realize it was a challenge. ***MARLAR: We did the same thing while looking to fill the spot for (AIR SHIFT). Our ad read: “If you’re looking to work for food then you’re our man! No experience or talent needed! Good hygiene not required.” (OTHER JOCK) applied and got the job the next day!




If you know someone who has a child with autism, this might be something to look into.  Duke University, with sponsorship by the U.S. Navy’s Office of Naval Research, is developing a smartphone app to learn more about childhood autism and even screen for signs of post-traumatic stress disorder and mild traumatic brain injury. The app, called “Autism & Beyond,” is currently “available for free download from the Apple App Store to families wishing to participate in a six-month medical research study by Duke University.”  Using the smartphone’s user-facing “selfie” camera, the app records a child’s facial expressions in response to a series of questionnaires and videos. The app’s core algorithm maps key points on the child’s face to assess emotional responses.  If you want to find out more about this autism app, you can read up on it here:



How can you share your faith more effectively? A New Beginning’s Greg Laurie is out with a video about sharing your faith. Check out the roundtable discussion on lives changed by the gospel…



Want to give your loved ones a good laugh for Valentines Day this year. Check out a printable Valentines day card filled with jokes and tongue twisters from iMom. Click on the link: http://ow.ly/i/8ucsI


FamilyLife is celebrating its 40th anniversary in 2016 and, in response, they want to help you remember your anniversary. The family organization shared this week: We’re excited to support you this year as you seek to make your anniversary extra special. Sign up at the Family Life web site and the organization will send you reminders leading up to your anniversary with ideas for celebrating.



20 ideas you can use to help your children love and study the Bible shared by Revive Our Hearts:

(1) Help children write out favorite verses in a handmade book

(2) Consider allowing children to stay up later than normal if they are reading or listening to their Bible in their rooms.

(3) Download an audio Bible

(4) Teach them that a child doesn’t have to be a good reader to love and obey the Bible!

(5) Show children how to search for verses on a topic online

(6) If children use an electronic Bible, help them use it more effectively.

(7) Help children make a chain of verses in their Bibles by writing another reference on the same topic in the margin.

(8) Encourage your children to memorize the books of the Bible.

(9) Teach them to use the maps in their Bibles.

(10) Help children identify Bible synonyms for everyday concepts.

(11) Help children identify Bible opposites as they study.

(12) Talk about the process of actively reading

(13) Share three or four possible responses and ask them to pick one to pray about, or apply in some specific way.

(14) Help young children find and highlight verses they have memorized

(15) Teach them verses that correspond to their interests.

(16) Teach them verses that can help them in their specific circumstance.

(17) Love and study God’s Word yourself.

(18) Remembering the work of the Holy Spirit

(19) Consider purchasing for your children the translation your church uses.

(20) Compile Scripture verses on topics your kids are interested in.






A friend has been bugging me to go skiing and I keep refusing.  Although it is a tempting trade-off… a weekend of skiing for a lifetime of handicapped parking.




Marie Asner has been reviewing films for over 30 years. Her outlets include radio, print and Internet.  For more in-depth movie reviews of the following films, visit www.Tollbooth.org.  Ratings from 1 (Low) to 5 (High).


FEBRUARY 05, 2016…


The Choice—This is a romance/drama about the choices one makes in life. Especially love at first sight. The cast includes Tom Welling (“Superman” TV series), Benjamin Walker (“In The Heart Of The Sea”), Teresa Palmer and Maggie Grace. “The Choice” is rated PG 13. No rating.


Hail! Caesar—A comedy with a back of the hand to Hollywood.  A superstar is kidnapped and the production can’t go on without him, but, then, who might care?? The stars in this film play their roles broadly and they include George Clooney, Josh Brolin, Jonah Hill and Scarlett Johannson. Directed by none other than the Coen Brothers. “Hail! Caesar” is rated PG 13. Rating of 3 for fans.


Pride and Prejudice and Zombies—Author Jane Austen’s books are in the public domain, who would have thought? Anyway, we now get “Pride and Prejudice and Zombies” starring Lily James from “Downton Abbey” playing Elizabeth. Corsets and martial arts are the theme here, as Lily and her sisters Bella Heathcote and Suki Waterhouse (Kitty) go after the bad guys. Also in the cast is Sam Riley (Mr. Darcy) and Charles Dance. “Pride and Prejudice and Zombies” is rated R. No rating.


Regression—This is a psychological study as a father is accused of abusing his daughter and can’t remember doing anything. The cast includes Ethan Hawke, David Dencik, Emma Watson and David Thewlis. “Regression” is rated R. No rating.


FEBRUARY 12, 2016…


Where To Invade is a documentary, rather tongue in cheek, by Michael Moore about traveling the world for information to help America.


Deadpool comes from the comics and has Ryan Reynolds in the title role.


How To Be Single is about women trying to get along without men in their lives. A comedy to be sure and starring Rebel Wilson and Dakota Johnson.


Zoolander 2 with Ben Stiller and Owen Wilson from the cult-classic comedy and reprising their roles as Derek and Hansel.


The Bad Hurt concerns a family trying to stay together through hurts and secrets. Stars Ashley Williams and Karen Allen.



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