February 05, 2017: Sunday ONAIRprep

PRINT VERSION OF TODAY’S PREP: 20170205

***DAILY DOSE OF WEIRD NEWS! (As an ONAIRprep subscriber, you can gain access to all of the work parts for the Daily Dose of Weird News, allowing you to edit for length and content – and also receive a custom tag specifically for your station or show which you can have updated at any time… ABSOLUTELY FREE! It’s part of your subscription now! Email me to get FTP access and your free customized tag!)

WELCOME TO THE SHOW!

Welcome to (THE JOCK SHOW) – coming to you from directly under the noses of the FCC!

I can please only one person per day. Today is not your day. Tomorrow isn’t looking good either.

BIBLE VERSE OF THE DAY

“He who conceals his transgressions will not prosper, but he who confesses and forsakes them will find compassion.” – Proverbs 28:13

I will sing of your strength, in the morning I will sing of your love; for you are my fortress, my refuge in times of trouble. — Psalm 59:16

Grace to all who love our Lord Jesus Christ with an undying love. — Ephesians 6:24

HEARTLIGHT DAILY VERSE, PRAYER & THOUGHT

(From VerseOfTheDay.com.)

For you know that it was not with perishable things such as silver or gold that you were redeemed from the empty way of life handed down to you from your forefathers, but with the precious blood of Christ, a lamb without blemish or defect. — 1 Peter 1:18-19

Thought: A: “How much did it cost?” B: “What? This old thing? This sack of bones and blood and brain? This heart and mind and soul that live inside?” A: “Yeah! How much did it cost?” B: “It cost the greatest gift of heaven to redeem it and make me whole. That’s how much God thinks of me. Incredible, isn’t it?!”

Prayer: Father, I am bewildered, humbled, and thrilled to know that you value me so highly. Forgive me for cheapening myself with sin, for dwelling on things that are petty, and for chasing after things that are worthless. Thank you for loving me so. By your Spirit, please help me live up to the value you see in me and aspire to the lofty life you call me to live. In Jesus’ name I pray. Amen.

The Thoughts and Prayers for Today’s Verse are written by Phil Ware. You can email questions or comments to phil@heartlight.org.

BIRTHDAY VERSE” OF THE DAY (The chapter and verse correspond to the month and day!)

1 Corinthians 2:5 NIV= so that your faith might not rest on human wisdom, but on God’s power.

TODAY IS SUNDAY – FEBRUARY 05, 2017

(NOTE: Some holidays may be duplicated due to various calendars reporting conflicting dates)
WEIRD, WACKY, STRANGE, ZANY, ODD, BIZARRE, QUIRKY, UNUSUAL HOLIDAYS!
THERE ARE ONLY
327 SHOPPING DAYS UNTIL CHRISTMAS.

Today is FAMILY LEAVE DAY. In 1993, President Clinton signed the Family Leave Bill, which allowed workers to take time off to deal with the birth or adoption of a child. ***“Family Leave Day” can also be used to finally tell your relatives to get out because they’ve over-stayed their welcome from Christmas. Please, family… leave already!

NATIONAL PAY YOUR BILLS WEEK. ***Ha! Like THAT’S gonna happen!

Today is NATIONAL WEATHERPERSON’S DAY. ***Formerly Weatherman’s Day until society wised up and realized a woman could screw up the forecast just as well as a man.

INTRODUCING THE WEATHER MAN

In the paper one Sunday the editor’s page

Gave a big lot of space to the Weather Man sage
Where it told how he hit the old nail on the head
With predictions resulting just like he had said.
But it never did mention the failures of late
That were known to the Weather Man date after date
When he called for the clouds and the downpouring rain,
Yet there came not a drop for the unsprouted grain.

So the Weather Man wondered, ”What response can I make?
I must pinch myself hard; am I really awake?
I never deserved this acclaim so profuse,
And so when I am right they just treat it like news.

TOP TEN PET PEEVES OF WEATHERMEN

10. When after he spent 3 years in university, learning about weather patterns and the works before becoming a weatherman, she becomes a weather-lady right out of high school, cause she’s cute.

9. People always asking the difference between partly cloudy and partly sunny.

8. Forecasting weatherpigs that bring in the best ratings the station’s ever had.

7. When the producers make the blue screen show his baby pictures instead of the weather.

6. Having to do that stupid “Santa’s sleigh” bit on the radar every Christmas.

5. Stupid sports reporters who use the weather computers to check out ESPN.com.

4. The intern that keeps putting smiley face on your thunder clouds.

3. Nobody understands that, on a global scale, 2 days or 50 miles is just NO BIG DEAL!!

2. Family keeps giving him blue sweaters for Christmas and expecting him to wear them on the air.

1. It’s *meteorologist.* I’m a meteorologist!!!

TODAY IS ALSO…
Adlai Stevenson Day Link
Dump Your Significant Jerk Day
Move Hollywood & Broadway to Lebanon, PA Day
Popcorn Day Link
Shower With A Friend Day Link
Super Bowl 51
Weatherman’s [Weatherperson’s] Day
Western Monarch DayLink
World Nutella Day Link

COMING UP NEXT (Just a list, we are not endorsing the holidays posted below.)

MONDAY, FEBRUARY 06

Canadian Maple Syrup Day Link
Lame Duck Day
International Day of Zero Tolerance to Female Genital Mutilation Link

TUESDAY, FEBRUARY 07

African American Coaches Day
Ballet Day
Dry Bean Day Link
Black HIV/AIDS Awareness Day Link
“e” Day (math) Link
Laura Ingalls Wilder Day
Man Day
National Periodic Table Day Link
Wave All Your Fingers At Your Neighbor’s Day

WEDNESDAY, FEBRUARY 08

Boy Scout Anniversary Day Link
Laugh and Get Rich Day
Opera Day

THURSDAY, FEBRUARY 09

National Bagel Day Link
National Pizza Day Link
Read in the Bathtub Day
Toothache Day Link

FRIDAY, FEBRUARY 10

Plimsoll Day
All The News That’s Fit To Print Day

SATURDAY, FEBRUARY 11

Be Electrific Day
Don’t Cry Over Spilled Milk Day Link
Get Out Your Guitar Day
Pro Sports Wives Day
National Shut-in Visitation Day
Satisfied Staying Single Day
Stress Awareness Day Link
White Shirt Day or White T-shirt Day Link
World Day of The Sick Link

SUNDAY, FEBRUARY 12

Autism Sunday Link
Darwin Day
Lincoln’s Birthday
NAACP Day
Oglethorpe Day
Paul Bunyan Day
Safety Pup Day
World Marriage Day Link

MONDAY, FEBRUARY 13

Clean Out Your Computer Day Link
Desperation Day Link
Employee Legal Awareness Day
Galentine’s Day Link
Get a Different Name Day
International Condom Day Link
Madly In Love With Me Day
National Wingman’s Day
World Radio Day Link

ON THIS DAY

1631: Liberal militant Roger Williams arrived in Boston from England. He founded the American Baptist Church.

1881: In Arizona the city of Phoenix was incorporated.

1933: Claude King was born in Shreveport. His only hit record came in 1962 when “Wolverton Mountain” reached #6 on the Billboard Hot 100.

1940: Glenn Miller and his band recorded “Tuxedo Junction” at the RCA Victor studios in Manhattan.

1972: Bob Douglas became the first black man elected to the Basketball Hall of Fame in Springfield, Massachusetts. Douglas owned and coached the New York Renaissance, an all-black team that won 88 consecutive games in 1933.

1974: In a regional basketball tournament in Stockholm, one boys team defeated another 272-0. Thirteen-year-old Mats Wermelin scored all 272 points, the most ever scored by one player in a basketball game (Guinness).

1991: The U.S. issued a patent (#4,989,275) to Dan Fain of Chancellor, Alabama, for his Flushable Vehicle Spittoon, a device that allows a person to spit while driving. Connected to the vehicle’s windshield washer reservoir, the spittoon can be flushed and emptied onto the road beneath the car or truck.

1991: In Harare, Zimbabwe, a guard hired to protect President Robert Mugabe accidentally shot a hole through the roof of the president’s plane. He didn’t want anyone to know, so he covered the hole with masking tape. Fortunately, a safety inspector found the hole before the plane took off.

1994: Philadelphia authorities accused dancer Crystal Storm of “deceptive advertising” for claiming that her bust measured “127” when actually it was only 50 inches. Ms. Storm said the “127” was centimeters.

1997: The Nicaraguan government banned the eating of green iguanas, fearing the animal was becoming an endangered species. Traditionally during Holy Week, Nicaraguans ate green iguana soup and chicken-fried green iguanas. Under the new law, green iguana eaters could be fined 50 cordabas ($5.50) per iguana.

1998: Residents of Brazil, Indiana, lured a 100-pound wayward bear into a cage on their front porch with Lucky Charms. His captors said the bear loved the sweet cereal, but preferred his Lucky Charms with Coca-Cola instead of milk.

1999: Former heavyweight boxing champ Mike Tyson was sentenced in Maryland to a year in jail for assaulting two motorists following a traffic accident. He served 3½ months.

2001: Chuck Barr of Jamestown, California, got a notice from the Tuolumne County Library that he hadn’t paid his bill for damages on a book he had borrowed. The tab was for just under $40 trillion. Barr said he was glad the whole thing was a computer glitch because he would have been a little short.

2007: A woman who boarded the wrong bus in Thailand on a shopping trip to Malaysia returned home after being lost for 25 years. Jaeyana Beuraheng told her eight children she accidentally boarded a bus bound for Bangkok instead of Malaysia, and once there she boarded a second incorrect bus to Chiang Mai because she could not read or speak Thai or English. She speaks only Yawi. After years of begging in the streets, she was taken to a charity hostile, where three students from her home village showed up for training. They could understand her Yawi and helped her find her way back home.

TODAY IN CHRISTIAN HISTORY

767: Alcuin, the academic who would later play a large role in establishing schools under Charlemagne, becomes headmaster of York Cathedral School, where he once studied. Alcuin’s curriculum was built on the seven liberal arts: the elementary Trivium (grammar, rhetoric, and dialectic) and the more advanced Quadrivium (music, arithmetic, geometry, and astronomy).

1594: Giovanni F. da Palestrina, the most gifted composer of Renaissance church music, dies.

1631: English clergyman Roger Williams arrives in America. After questioning Massachusetts’ fusion of church and state, he was banished. He bought land from Native Americans and founded Rhode Island, where he established America’s first Baptist church in America. His writings on religious liberty were greatly influential in securing that freedom later in America.

1736: Methodism cofounders and brothers John and Charles Wesley arrive in Savannah, Georgia. They were to be missionaries to the Native Americans, and John was to be pastor of the Savannah parish. Their efforts failed. “I went to America to convert the Indians; but O! Who shall convert me?” he asked two years later.

1745: Popular British poet and dramatist Hannah More is born. She renounced the social life and concentrated on religious efforts, such as setting up Sunday schools. For her work with the Clapham Sect of British social reformers, she was once derisively called “a bishop in petticoats”.

1812: Ann Hasseltine weds Adoniram Judson. The two sail shortly afterward for India, but wind up in Burma where Ann was instrumental in language learning and Bible translation, not to mention saving her husband’s life when he was taken a captive.

1835: Daniel Lindley, one of the great South African missionary pioneers,, first sees Africa from the ship’s deck through a mist.

1837: Dwight Lyman (D.L.) Moody, the greatest evangelist of his day and one of the greatest revivalists of all time, is born in Northfield, Massachusetts. Speaking to 10,000 or 20,000 at a time, he presented his message, by voice or pen, to at least 100 million people.

1864: Having already established herself as a poet, 44-year-old Fanny Crosby pens her first hymn. She went on to write 8,000 more before her death 50 years later.

1885: The Cambridge Seven, zealous upper class young men, set off to do mission work in China.

1900: Pandit Kharah Singh dies; he had wandered across India, preaching Christ.

HOLLYWOOD, SPORTS AND CELEBRITY FIGURE BIRTHDAYS

  • actress (The Mothman Prophecies, Congo, The Truman Show, “John Adams”) Laura Linney 53

  • actress (Backdraft, Single White Female, Fast Times at Ridgemont High, Spawn) Jennifer Jason Leigh 55

  • actress (“The Monroes”, “The Mountain”, “Chicago Hope”, Beaches, Tinmen, Hoosiers) Barbara Hershey 69

BEE-BOP BIRTHDAYS

(Music Artist Birthdays From SongFacts.com)

1929 : Hal Blaine

1930 : Don Goldie

1933 : Claude King

1935 : Alex Harvey

1941 : Barrett Strong

1942 : Cory Wells (Three Dog Night)

1943 : Chuck Winfield (Blood, Sweat & Tears)

1944 : J.R. Cobb (Classics IV, Atlanta Rhythm Section)

1944 : Al Kooper (The Blues Project, Blood, Sweat & Tears)

1948 : Alan Barrows (The Folksmen)

1948 : Nigel Tufnel (Spinal Tap)

1949 : Nigel Olsson (The Elton John Band)

1964 : Duff McKagan (Guns N’ Roses)

1968 : Chris Barron (Spin Doctors)

1969 : Bobby Brown

1971 : Sara Lynn Evans

SECRETS OF THE UNIVERSE

Did Sigmund Freud do a lot of studying of the subconscious?

Sigmund Freud is associated with many important ideas, the existence of the subconscious being the most significant. But you knew that, right? If you did, you’re wrong. Freud had nothing to do with anything called the “subconscious.” He called it the “unconscious” and specifically rejected the very notion of a sub consciousness even existing. ***MARLAR: So what’s the difference between the two? I dunno. I guess the unconscious is about how you think you’re thinking about one thing when you’re really thinking about thinking about something else, I think. And the subconscious is about periscopes and torpedoes.

CHRISTIAN ARTIST NEWS

This is just a tiny sample of the 5-6 pages of material you could be receiving three days a week from ChristianRadioShowPrepServices.com!

While on her “Dare to Be” tour, Natalie Grant donated thousands of dollars to a woman and her husband who changed their lives to help a family in the midst of tragedy. According to Christianpost.com, Stephanie Meeker’s family went from a family of four to a family of eight after she and her husband adopted the four children of a friend who had been murdered. Natalie blessed Stephanie with a check for $5000 to help with expenses and also sent Stephanie and her husband on an all expense paid vacation to the Florida Keys. 
http://www.christianpost.com/news/natalie-grant-moved-by-heartbreaking-story-of-fan-donates-thousands-of-dollars-173804/

Hawk Nelson will be joining Mercyme for a new tour later this spring. Frontman Jon Steingard this week announced plans for the tour in April and May and he said it will be especially emotional for him since it will be his first tour as a new dad.  https://twitter.com/hawknelson/status/826136479646769152

Jamie Grace posted this week as she and her family continues to adapt to their new home in California. She shared on Instagram: moving to LA has been the biggest leap of Faith. We know there are better doctors for mom, that getting out of the cold is ideal for a nerve condition and that Morgan Nickols and I will be still be able to work.  https://www.instagram.com/p/BP801A6lr0O/

A prayer for today from Mandisa: “Lord, thank You for reminding me today of exactly who You are—a loving and faithful God. I know how prone I am to panic when I forget Your promises. Especially when I’m in the midst of painful and difficult circumstances. So I’m asking You to help me keep Your promises ever before me. And help me remember that You will fulfill every single one. You are the faithful One. You are the sure One. And I can safely place all of my hope in You.  
https://www.instagram.com/p/BP5VO9QFo08/

A reminder from Moriah Peters to think about others. She posted: It’s 3:26 AM. Someone is practicing their clarinet solo on their apartment balcony.

NEWS KICKERS

(No news on the weekends. Want a customized audio version, FREE? Email me for more information! )

NEW NEWS KICKERS…

NEWS KICKER EVERGREENS…

AS THE JUNGLE TURNS

CLICK HERE TO DOWNLOAD MONDAY’S EPISODE

OPEN: And now, FancyMonkey.com, (Show Name), and (Station Call Letters) bring you As the Jungle Turns! Last time, Gruffy Bear was lonely at his cave because no one ever passed by on the path anymore because they didn’t want to pay his tolls. They built their own path, toll free, but even after Gruffy took down his toll booth the rest of the animals still don’t want to use his path – even if he gives all of their money back.

CLOSE: Tune in again next time as FancyMonkey.com, (Show Name), and (Station Call Letters) bring you another exciting episode of As the Jungle Turns!

***You may simulcast “As the Jungle Turns” on the Internet stream of your live broadcast only. Any other Internet use of “As the Jungle Turns” in whole or part including podcasting of your live broadcast is a violation of copyright law. Thank you for your cooperation on this vitally important issue. If you have any questions, please e-mail us and ask about “Jungle Jam & Friends the Radio Show” usage.

MOMENT OF DUH

It’s probably the most ridiculous “zero tolerance” school policy to date – and it’s today’s Moment of Duh!

Prosecutors in Denton County, Texas have decided to wash their hands of a case against a Lewisville middle school student who was actually accused of trying to get high by sniffing his teacher’s hand sanitizer. The 7th grader in question had used some of the hand sanitizer on his teacher’s desk, rubbed it on his hands and then smelled his hands. He said he did it just because it smelled good. Apparently school officials thought he was TRYING TO GET HIGH and had delinquency charges filed against him. Three days later prosecutors came to their senses and decided that the common cleaning gel is not an abusive inhalant under the Texas Health and Safety Code. Richard Ortiz, the boy’s father, was outraged saying his son was embarrassed and humiliated by the charge. He described his son as a well-behaved teenager who makes good grades.

TOP TEN

TOP TEN CHURCH SIGNS

10. You are not too bad to come in. You are not too good to stay out.
9. Come in and have your faith lifted.
8. Come in and let us prepare you for your finals.
7. No matter how much you nurse a grudge it won’t get better.
6. Everything you always wanted to know about heaven and hell but were afraid to ask.

5. [At an Arizona church in August] You think it’s hot HERE?
4. What on earth are you doing for heaven’s sake?

3. Fight truth decay…study the Bible daily.
2. Where will you be sitting in eternity? Smoking or non-smoking?
1. Come, work for the Lord. The work is hard, the hours long and the pay is low. But the retirement benefits are out of this world.

THE FILES OF LAW & DISORDER

Never attack a woman while she’s holding a snow shovel!

FILE #1: In Maryland Heights, Missouri, a couple of purse snatchers picked the wrong women to attack. The victims fought back – with a snow shovel! The incident took place outside a Schnucks grocery store. The women were loading groceries when the thieves tried to steal two purses from their cart. One of the women grabbed a snow shovel from the suspects’ pickup and smacked one of the men upside the head. The other woman jumped into the cab and attacked the other suspect, then grabbed the keys so he couldn’t drive away. Police tracked both suspects to a hotel. The one struck with the shovel required staples to close the gash in his head. Both are now recovering in jail!

FILE #2: In other victims-fighting-back news, in Kansas City, Missouri, 18-year-old Dandre Bell, tried to hold up an 80-year-old woman at gunpoint. How embarrassing it must be for him that the woman grabbed his own gun in a scuffle and then pointed it back at him and threatened to use it. Dandre gambled that she was bluffing and ran off but police found him later in his own apartment. Didn’t help his case that they found the victim’s checks in his pocket that he had taken from her purse. He told police he needed “to get money for his baby”.

FILE #3: 52-year-old Kirby Dean Guyette stands accused of robbing two banks in Santa Ana, California. Known as the “Hobo Bandit” for his appearance, one of the bank tellers he robbed went home and painted a portrait of Kirby completely from memory. Authorities said the painting depicting a middle-aged man with bushy eyebrows and a salt-and-pepper goatee shared similarities with surveillance video of the robber. Police finally caught up with Kirby and arrested him along with his alleged getaway driver, 52-year-old Jack Paine.

STRANGE LAW: Bowling is forbidden in Evanston, IL.

THIS IS YOUR BRAIN ON DRUGS

Sometimes free advertising isn’t such a bargain.

Bridgeport, Connecticut’s Steven Zahorsky decided to take advantage of the free classifieds on Craigslist to advertise his products. Those products would be a half-ounce of “A plus” marijuana for $220 and the same amount of “B plus” marijuana for $160. Needless to say, the local police were interested in making a purchase so an undercover officer made the necessary arrangements, made the buy and the bust. Steven told officers he had no idea why he was being arrested and even let them search his apartment, where they found three bags of marijuana, one bag of hallucinogenic mushrooms, a shotgun, 118 rounds of ammunition and a digital scale.

PHONER PHUN

People love to talk about how they met their special someone. But did you first meet your significant other in a weird place or in a weird way? Do you meet him or her in the basement of an office building during a tornado warning? In the walk-in freezer of a grocery store? At a homeless mission? In the restroom at an amusement park? What weird way or place did you first meet your special someone?

BIBLE BRAIN BUSTER!

QUESTION: How many sons did Gideon have?

ANSWER: Seventy-one. (Judges 8:30 – 9:5)

QUESTION IMPOSSIBLE

QUESTION: Of the first 23 NASA astronauts, 21 had this in common. What was it?

ANSWER: They were firstborn

TRUE OR FALSE

Pay attention! If our next player doesn’t answer all ten T/F questions correctly we start all over from question #1! First person to answer question #10 correctly is our winner!

1. McDonald’s uses 2,500 pounds of sesame seeds a year. (False – try 2,500 tons!)

2. About 215 pairs of jeans can be made from a single bale of cotton. (True)

3. When Play-Doh was first introduced, in 1956, the only color available was grey. (False – the only color was off-white.)

4. Unatractiphobia is the fear of ugliness. (True)

5. Sir Ernest Shakletons newspaper ad for his 1914 expedition read as such: ” Men Wanted For Hazardous Journey, Small wages, bitter cold, long months of darkness, constant danger, safe return doubtful. Honour and recognition in case of success”. (True)

6. In Monopoly, the character that’s behind bars is named Jake the Jailbird. (True)

7. There were 7 tail feathers on the original NBC peacock. (False, 11)

8. 160 cars can drive side by side on the Monumental Axis in Brazil, the world’s widest road. (True)

9. Buckingham Palace has over six hundred rooms. (True)

10. Built in 1697, the Frankford Avenue Bridge which crosses Penny pack Creek in Philadelphia is the oldest U.S. Bridge in continuous use. (True)

TABLOID MATCH GAME

You have to match the blank in the tabloid headline with the word or phrase that has been removed!

______ WILL DESTROY ALL SATELLITES THIS YEAR (SUN)

HOUSTON –  NASA says that this year the sun will awaken and destroy all satellites

NASA recently published a frightening report.   According to NASA astronomers, after years of hibernation, the Sun will wake up and Earth will suffer some deadly consequences, including global failure all satellite communications.

In his report, Defense Secretary Liam Fox noted that the perfect electromagnetic storm will lead to a technogenic disaster on Earth. He cited recent statistics that indicate that the surface temperature of hot stars is rapidly increasing.

Solar storms will generate a great level of radiation that will affect the Earth’s magnetic field. This could prove to be a collapse for the humanity – trains and planes will stop, GPS-navigation will be affected, mobile and radio networks will disappear.

THE WAY TOO EARLY IN THE MORNING TO UNDERSTAND THE PUNCHLINE EVEN AFTER TWO CUPS OF COFFEE JOKE OF THE DAY 

JOKE #1

A Polish immigrant went to the DMV to apply for a driver’s license.  First, of course, he had to take an eye sight test. The optician showed him a card with the letters: C Z W I X N O S T A C Z.
“Can you read this?” the optician asked.
“Read it?” the Polish guy replied, “I know the guy.”

JOKE #2

A nursery school teacher was delivering a station wagon full of kids to their homes when a fire truck zoomed past. Sitting in the front seat of the fire truck was a Dalmatian.

The children fell to discussing the dog’s duties.

“They use him to keep crowds back,” said one youngster.

“No,” said another, “the dog’s for good luck.”

A third child brought the argument to a close. “They use the dogs,” she said firmly, “to

find the fire hydrants!”

JOKE #3

An area pastor tells of his first Sunday in the new parish and presenting the children’s message.  Seems the sanctuary in the new church had some magnificent stained glass windows, so his message centered on how each of us is called of God to help make up the whole picture of life (the life of the community of the faithful).  Like the pictures in the windows, it takes many little panels of glass to make the whole picture.

And then he said, “You see each one of you is a little pane.”

And then pointing to each child, “You’re a little pane. And you’re a little pane. And you’re a little pane. And…”

It took a few moments before he realize why everyone was laughing so hard.

”He” is the Rev. Charles Fitzgerald, Wesley United Methodist Church, Tyrone, PA

USELESS FACTS

Soldiers in Belarus are ordered to take up ballet as a way to improve “devotion and discipline.” Bellarussian military officials claim the discipline involved in learning dance moves and the passion music can produce are fundamental to military success. ***And when a soldier runs out of ammo, a few ballet moves could give him enough time to grab his enemy’s gun while the enemy is doubled over in laughter. (

)

The average amount of time spent kissing for a person in a lifetime is 20,160 minutes.  ***I’m not sure, if I’m below average on this is that a good thing or a bad thing?

FEATURED FUNNIES

NEWLY MARRIED

The newly-married husband came home from the office to find his young wife in a flood of tears. “Darling, whatever is the matter?” he asks.

“Sweetheart,” she sobs, “the most terrible thing happened! I cooked my very first Beef Bourguignon for you, and I got it out the oven to season it, and the phone rang. When I came back from answering the phone,” she sobbed again, “I found that the cat had eaten it!”

“Don’t worry, darling,” said her husband. “Don’t cry. We can always get you a new cat.”

IT MUST BE TRUE BECAUSE I HEARD IT ON THE RADIO!

It feels so good to scratch that itch and now we know why.

Scientists have found that scratching an itch temporarily shuts off areas in the brain linked with unpleasant feelings and memories. Previous studies found that pain, including vigorous scratching, reduces a person’s need to itch. By monitoring people’s brains to see what goes on inside our head when we scratch they also found out why one scratch often leads to another. They say that’s because scratching is linked to a part of the brain known to control compulsive behavior.

INSPIRATIONAL INSPIRATION

THE PIG AND THE COW

Why is it,” said the rich man to his minister, “that people call me stingy when everyone knows that when I die I’m leaving everything to the church?”

“Let me tell you a fable about the pig and the cow,” said the minister. “The pig was unpopular while the cow was beloved. This puzzled the pig. ‘People speak warmly of your gentle nature and your sorrowful eyes,’ the pig said to the cow. ‘They think you’re generous because each day you give them milk and cream. But what about me? I give them everything I have. I give bacon and ham. I provide bristles for brushes. They even pickle my feet! Yet not one likes me. Why is that?'”

“Do you know what the cow answered?” said the minister. “The cow said, ‘Perhaps it is because I give while I’m still living.'”

–Brian Cavanaugh

DRIVE TIME DEVOTIONAL

I SMILE

If anyone is in Christ, he is a new creation; old things have passed away; behold, all things have become new. – 2 Corinthians 5:17

A few years ago, singer Russ Lee came out with a song titled “I Smile.” When you discover how his life was changed by Jesus Christ, you’ll know why he sings a song that says, “I smile when I think about the way You turned my life around. I smile when I think about the happiness in You I’ve found.”

When Russ was 17, his days were wasted on drugs, alcohol, boredom, and pain. His life was full of self-inflicted trouble and hopelessness. One day, while listening to an old rock song called “I Can’t Get No Satisfaction,” he realized that this described his life. Two days later, a friend invited him to church. There Russ heard that real satisfaction comes from knowing Jesus Christ, so he reached out in faith to Him.

So, what was the first thing Russ did after trusting Christ? According to the book Touched By The Savior by Mike Yorkey, Russ said, “I walked back out to my car. In the trunk was a garbage bag filled with drugs I had been selling. I won’t be needing these again, I thought, and I was right. I threw the bag away. From that day forward, God transformed my life from the inside out. I became a new creation.”

No wonder Russ Lee can sing with exuberance, “I smile.” Can you?

BECOMING A NEW CREATION
Admit that you are a sinner and ask for God’s forgiveness (Romans 3:23). Accept the free gift of eternal life, paid for by the death of Jesus Christ (Romans 6:23).

A song in the heart puts a smile on the face.

–Dave Branon

LEFTOVERS

THE GIFT THAT KEEPS ON GIVING
A college student from New Hampshire received a $2 million coat from his girlfriend for Christmas…

…Justin T. Krook, a senior at Fitchburg State University, was given a new coat from his girlfriend with 10 lottery tickets stuck in the pocket. And you guessed it — the last one he scratched off was a winner! Krook says he plans to use the $2 million jackpot to buy a new car and pay off his student loans. He says he can also take his time after graduation to look for the best job possible. ***MARLAR: At some point he might want to spend some of that money on a big rock for his girlfriend, don’t ya think?! Can you imagine the pressure if he ever wanted to break up with his girlfriend now?! “You can’t break up with me — I made you a millionaire!”

LIFE… LIVE IT

A survey from a greeting card company finds that while many women enjoy shopping for the romantic cards, men like it about as much as heartburn.

Some 900 million cards are purchased annually on Valentine’s Day, 85 percent of them by women. The survey from card-maker American Greetings Corp. of Cleveland found that men and women buy very different kinds of cards and for different reasons. Men often saw card-shopping as an “ordeal” which they do mostly because their wives or girlfriends expect to receive the cards, the survey found. The company also found women seem to enjoy sending and receiving the more romantic, traditional cards with hearts, flowers and rhymed verses. Men prefer cards that are short and to the point. Men and women were able to agree on one thing, though — they both liked cards that were funny.

JUST FOR FUN

The bible says that laughter is good medicine, and wouldn’t you know it; it’s right!

Laughing promotes good health especially for women. A new study reveals that happy women have less chance of suffering from heart problems, cancer, high blood pressure and weight gain. Meanwhile, happy men only showed lower risks of weight gain and high blood pressure. Researcher Dr. Andrew Steptoe of England’s University College London, who tested 3,000 subjects for the study, believes that good moods actually promote biological changes that are “health protective.” And laughing can actually pump up a person’s immune system for 24 hours. He also noted that mood states are linked to a person’s relationships with others and personal fulfillment. Steptoe concludes: “We need to help people to recognize the things that make them feel good and truly satisfied with their lives, so that they spend more time doing these things.”

FUN LIST

WACKY REAL STREET NAMES

According to a recent TheCarConnection.com poll, here are the top 10 list of wacky street names (all the roads are real and have been verified):

  • Psycho Path in Traverse City, Michigan

  • Divorce Court in Heather Highlands, Pennsylvania

  • The intersection of Lonesome and Hardup in Albany, Georgia

  • The intersection of Clinton and Fidelity in Houston, Texas

  • Bucket of Blood Street in Holbrook, Arizona

  • Unexpected Road in Buena, New Jersey

  • Shades of Death Road in Warren County, New Jersey

  • The intersection of Count and Basie in Richmond, Virginia

  • Tater Peeler Road in Lebanon, Texas

  • (My personal favorite) Farfrompoopen Road in Tennessee, which happens to be the only road up to Constipation Ridge – really!

MORE SHOW PREP STUFF…

HONESTY IN ADVERTISING

An Essex school, which used “brutal honesty” in a jobs advertisement, said its approach is paying off. West Thurrock County Primary School ran an ad headlined: “Special Measures. No Head Teacher. Ugly Building. You’ll Love It.” By the way, “special measures” is official jargon for a failing school. Normal advertising, trying to make the school sound attractive, has failed, but the new ad has attracted seven candidates. They are competing for four places. According to acting Head Teacher, Tracey Thornton, they felt it would attract the kind of people who would want to work there, because they would have a sense of humor and they would realize it was a challenge. ***MARLAR: We did the same thing while looking to fill the spot for (AIR SHIFT). Our ad read: “If you’re looking to work for food then you’re our man! No experience or talent needed! Good hygiene not required.” (OTHER JOCK) applied and got the job the next day!

OTHER STUFF I WANT TO CRAM INTO TODAY’S PREP

Need a good laugh? Check out Turning Point’s SOS Estates and then take the quiz to find out which couple you are most like. My test said that my bride and I are “Dwayne & Peanut: It was love at first sight with this country duo! Yes, a match made in heaven with Dwayne being a rodeo cowboy and Peanut a rodeo barrel racer! It’s not the titanium pins and plates in your rodeo cowboy’s battered body that holds your love together, but your true admiration and devotion to one another!” Take the test yourself at http://ow.ly/IfvWr

Dogs might be better at ignoring bad advice than humans are according to a new study out of Yale. Researchers trained dogs to get a treat out of a box by moving a lever and then lifting the lid. Then they left the dogs on their own, and a significant number of them soon figured out the truth: There was no need to move that lever; they merely needed to lift the lid and get their treat. Contrast that with a similar experiment conducted several years ago with kids. In that one, the human subjects went right on pulling that lever, because they had been told to do so. Lead author Laurie Santos of Yale’s Canine Cognition Center in a release: “Humans often fall prey to the bad advice of others. Children tend to copy all of a teacher’s actions, regardless of whether they are necessary or not.” The dogs, however, were all about ruthless efficiency. (New York)

Women who wear makeup are not only seen by others as more likeable, but also perceived as more attractive, competent and trustworthy. Led by Nancy Etcoff, a team of Harvard University researchers determined that makeup significantly alters how women and their character traits are perceived by others, both at first glance and over time. The team conducted two studies in which 100 photos of 25 women’s faces were judged without makeup and with three different applied makeup looks. When viewed for 250 milliseconds, all three makeup looks increased ratings of attractiveness, competence, likability and trust compared to the ratings of the same faces without makeup. In addition, participants in the second study who had unlimited time to inspect the faces gave both the natural and professional makeup looks increased ratings of attractiveness, competence, likability and trust. But beware! Women who wear too much makeup and look too glamorous are viewed as less trustworthy and as having less social warmth.

Last Saturday, Ron Hill took a break from running – for the first time in 19,032 days! The 78-year-old had run at least a mile every day since Dec. 20, 1964 — a streak of 52 years and 39 days. He even kept running despite having a plaster cast on his foot for six weeks following an operation. The streak even survived a car crash that broke Hill’s sternum (he got the day’s run in before the crash). All total he’s run over 160,000 miles — more than enough to circle the globe six times. But during his daily run Jan. 28, Hill started feeling a pain in his chest and says, “I thought I was going to die.” He still managed to finish his mile, but he realized it was time to hang up his running shoes — at least for now — for the sake of his family and friends. In a statement, he said he was ending his streak “with great sadness.” In addition to his truly impressive streak, Hill competed in three Olympics, was the first British citizen to win the Boston Marathon, set multiple world records, ran in at least 115 marathons, and started his own running gear company.  ***Wow, Mr. Hill… sounds like you’ve EARNED a break!

Charlotte McCourt sold over 15,000 boxes of Girl Scout cookies and did by doing something unusual – being gut-level honest. The 11-year-old tells customers: Trefoils? “Kind of boring.” Toffee-tastic? “As flavorless as dirt.” But not all her reviews are negative. She calls Savannah Smiles “divine.” The New Jersey sixth-grader was dismayed that only two of the boxes she had sold were marked to be donated to US military troops, so her father suggested she write a letter to a wealthy family friend who might be willing to donate a bunch. The result? A letter that described each cookie in brutally honest terms. It worked and the friend did indeed send 25 boxes of cookies to the troops, but it was a Facebook post that made Charlotte’s cookie sales hit warp speed. Charlotte’s dad, a writer and producer on the podcast “The Way I Heard It,” showed the letter to the show’s star, TV host-turned-podcaster Mike Rowe, who posted on his Facebook page a video of himself reading the letter and asking viewers to reward Charlotte’s honesty. “Send the message that when you tell the truth, good things happen,” Rowe said. She has now sold more than 15,000 boxes, and the video has more than 8 million views.

Watch the video at https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sF4X_r7ByVM.

And here’s a quick update video from Mike Rowe: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=T7LFbkHyhTc.

The more vegetables you eat, the less weight you gain over time a recent Harvard study found so there’s no healthier diet hack than “eat a veggie at every meal.” Not a huge fan? There’s a painless way to do it: Hide frozen spinach in a smoothie. The operative word here is hide. Into a powerful blender toss a package of frozen spinach, kale or Swiss chard, a banana, 2 tablespoons of peanut or almond butter, a half cup of water or almond milk, and a scoop of protein powder, and pulverize. Believe it or not, you’ll barely even taste the spinach. (Men’s Fitness) ***At least that’s what I hear.  I’ve not been brave… or desperate… enough to try this.

Churches fitted with ornate stained glass windows may not be a thing of the archaic past just yet. The stained glass industry has been experiencing a decline in business in recent years, but research among younger Americans indicates that stained glass could experience a comeback. An architect with the Aspen Group, a company that specializes in building churches, says stained glass is seen more favorably by younger generations.” He cited recent research which found that Millennials preferred more traditional looking sanctuaries instead of so-called trendy buildings. http://bit.ly/1w0AIyq

Looking for a unique vacation site? How about the White Desert, the Antarctic’s only luxury resort? The self-proclaimed “most remote hotel on this planet” is just a short trek from the South Pole. Visitors sleep in one of six heated fiberglass sleeping pods. Gourmet meals are dished up in the dining room. Activities include exploring blue ice caves, kite skiing, a sauna or visiting a local colony of 6,000 penguins. However, it isn’t cheap. The 8-night adventure costs about $72,000 per person.  If you’re just curious though, you can read more about it at http://huff.to/2cHnFkv.

AND I LEAVE YOU WITH THIS THOUGHT

A friend has been bugging me to go skiing and I keep refusing. Although it is a tempting trade-off… a weekend of skiing for a lifetime of handicapped parking.

Is running naked in public still a “streak” if you only do it once?

THE TICKET Movie Reviews with MARIE ASNER

Marie Asner has been reviewing films for over 35 years. Her outlets include radio, print and Internet. For more in-depth movie reviews of the following films, visit www.Tollbooth.org. Ratings from 1 (Low) to 5 (High).

FEBRUARY 03, 2017…

Opening moved ahead from an earlier date) The Space Between Us—On a colonization voyage to Mars, it is discovered that one of the female astronauts is pregnant.  This results in the first child, a boy, being born on Mars, but in that atmosphere, gravity, etc. Fast forward to teen years, and the kid (Asa Butterfield) knows about Earth and even has a girl friend, Britt Robertson (Skype) he writes to.  However, something happens and Asa ends up on Earth. “The Space Between Us” is rated PG 13. Rating of 2 for fans.

Rings—Johnny Galecki is one of the stars in a remake/new episode of the Japanese supernatural film about a haunting that occurs seven days after you have viewed a video tape. “Something” comes out of a dark hole and comes after you. This film is set thirteen years after the original. Can’t keep a good DVD down. The original was popular and here we go again.  Also in the cast are Vincent Onofrio, Alex Rae, and Matilda Lutz. “Rings” is rated R. Rating of 2 for fans.

The Comedian—Comics sometimes have a dark streak in them and such is the theme in the film starring Robert De Niro. He is a comedian who tries a comeback but gets into trouble. This film is directed by Taylor Hackford who is also Helen Mirren’s husband.  No, she is not in this film, but Leslie Mann, Danny De Vito and Edie Jolie are. “The Comedian” is rated R. No rating.

FEBRUARY 10, 2017…

Fifty Shades Darker continues the romance between Dakota Johnson and Jamie Dorman. Adult film.

John Wick: Chapter 2 with Keanu Reeves as the action guy with an attitude. The first film was surprisingly successful.

The Lego Batman Movie and with the popularity of “The Lego Movie,” this one is sure to have appeal.

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Darren Marlar credits all non-original material to the author whenever possible. All other material is original, used with permission, or author unknown. We welcome all comments, questions, and suggestions. Darren can be reached via his website at www.DarrenMarlar.com.