February 06, 2017: Monday ONAIRprep

PRINT VERSION OF TODAY’S PREP: 20170206

***DAILY DOSE OF WEIRD NEWS! (As an ONAIRprep subscriber, you can gain access to all of the work parts for the Daily Dose of Weird News, allowing you to edit for length and content – and also receive a custom tag specifically for your station or show which you can have updated at any time… ABSOLUTELY FREE! It’s part of your subscription now! Email me to get FTP access and your free customized tag!)

WELCOME TO THE SHOW!

Gee–I’m glad you finally showed up to listen to the show. I was gonna wait another five minutes and then go home.

The wife and I went out for Chinese last night. Answer me this: why is chopsticks one of the easiest songs to play on the piano, but the hardest thing to eat with?

BIBLE VERSE OF THE DAY

“This is why you pay taxes, for the authorities are God’s servants, who give their full time to governing. Give everyone what you owe him. If you owe taxes, pay taxes; if revenue, then revenue; if respect, then respect; if honor, then honor.” –Romans 13:6-7

I love you, O Lord, my strength. The Lord is my rock, my fortress and my deliverer; my God is my rock, in whom I take refuge. He is my shield and the horn of my salvation, my stronghold. — Psalm 18:1-2

HEARTLIGHT DAILY VERSE, PRAYER & THOUGHT

(From VerseOfTheDay.com.)

Haughty eyes and a proud heart, the lamp of the wicked, are sin! — Proverbs 21:4

Thought: “We’re number one!” is the cry today. However, the scripture above tells us that it is the wicked who light their own way with their haughty eyes and proud heart. In contrast, God lights the way for his people with his word (Scripture) and with his Word (Jesus), the wicked light their own way with their haughty eyes and proud heart. But arrogance, pride, “uppity-ness” — or whatever name you want to call it — is called sin by God. God is number one and all the other numbers are important only because of him. It’s just that simple.

Prayer: Holy and righteous Father, help me place you and your character in the place of most importance in my heart, my life decisions, and in my influence. In Jesus’ name I pray. Amen.

The Thoughts and Prayers for Today’s Verse are written by Phil Ware. You can email questions or comments to phil@heartlight.org.

BIRTHDAY VERSE” OF THE DAY (The chapter and verse correspond to the month and day!)

Colossians 2:6 NIV = So then, just as you received Christ Jesus as Lord, continue to live your lives in him,

TODAY IS MONDAY – FEBRUARY 06, 2017

(NOTE: Some holidays may be duplicated due to various calendars reporting conflicting dates)
WEIRD, WACKY, STRANGE, ZANY, ODD, BIZARRE, QUIRKY, UNUSUAL HOLIDAYS!
THERE ARE ONLY
321 SHOPPING DAYS UNTIL CHRISTMAS.

Today is PAY A COMPLIMENT DAY, a day simply to compliment co-workers, family members, or even strangers.  ***And if you’re short on compliments for me, please feel free to pay me in cash instead.

JUST SAY NO TO POWERPOINT WEEK begins today.  It’s a challenge for speakers to communicate with their audiences instead of simply reading slides. ***And once they say no to PowerPoint, be sure to pay them a compliment.

Today is BE HAPPY TOGETHER DAY, a day for couples to do something fun.  ***One suggestion – go out for frozen yogurt, because. . .

Today is NATIONAL FROZEN YOGURT DAY.  ***Have you tried eating frozen Yoplait? It’s hard as a rock! By the way, how do you know when yogurt has gone bad… does it un-curdle?

Today is NATIONAL GIRLS & WOMEN IN SPORTS DAY. ***Wait a minute… you mean to tell me there are sports for girls?!?!

TODAY IS ALSO…
Canadian Maple Syrup Day Link
Lame Duck Day
International Day of Zero Tolerance to Female Genital Mutilation Link

COMING UP NEXT (Just a list, we are not endorsing the holidays posted below.)

TUESDAY, FEBRUARY 07

African American Coaches Day
Ballet Day
Dry Bean Day Link
Black HIV/AIDS Awareness Day Link
“e” Day (math) Link
Laura Ingalls Wilder Day
Man Day
National Periodic Table Day Link
Wave All Your Fingers At Your Neighbor’s Day

WEDNESDAY, FEBRUARY 08

Boy Scout Anniversary Day Link
Laugh and Get Rich Day
Opera Day

THURSDAY, FEBRUARY 09

National Bagel Day Link
National Pizza Day Link
Read in the Bathtub Day
Toothache Day Link

FRIDAY, FEBRUARY 10

Plimsoll Day
All The News That’s Fit To Print Day

SATURDAY, FEBRUARY 11

Be Electrific Day
Don’t Cry Over Spilled Milk Day Link
Get Out Your Guitar Day
Pro Sports Wives Day
National Shut-in Visitation Day
Satisfied Staying Single Day
Stress Awareness Day Link
White Shirt Day or White T-shirt Day Link
World Day of The Sick Link

SUNDAY, FEBRUARY 12

Autism Sunday Link
Darwin Day
Lincoln’s Birthday
NAACP Day
Oglethorpe Day
Paul Bunyan Day
Safety Pup Day
World Marriage Day Link

MONDAY, FEBRUARY 13

Clean Out Your Computer Day Link
Desperation Day Link
Employee Legal Awareness Day
Galentine’s Day Link
Get a Different Name Day
International Condom Day Link
Madly In Love With Me Day
National Wingman’s Day
World Radio Day Link

ON THIS DAY

1895: George Herman ”Babe” Ruth was born in Baltimore.

1898: The Dallas Morning News announced the death of Police Chief J.C. Arnold, accidentally shot on a hunting trip by the young new pastor of Dallas’ First Baptist Church, Dr. George W. Truett. The young preacher left his pulpit briefly and considered leaving the ministry, but returned to pastor First Baptist for 48 years.

1918: Great Britain granted women 30 or older the right to vote.

1935: The board game Monopoly went on sale.

1943: Frank Sinatra debuted as a vocalist on radio’s “Your Hit Parade.”

1952: Britain’s King George the 6th died; he was succeeded by his daughter, Elizabeth the Second.

1971: Alan Shepard hit three golf balls on the moon.

1990: The U.S. issued patented #4,898,345 to Dan Clayton of Rancho Cucamonga, California, for the Skyboard, a combination surfboard and parachute that allows the flyer to surf air currents in the sky for an extended period, then glide to a safe landing.

1990: Steve Briers recited the lyrics of Queen’s record album A Night at the Opera backwards in 9 minutes 58.44 seconds on BBC4 in London, a world record for backwards talking.

1990: Figures showed the Rolling Stones had grossed more than $100 million, a new record for any rock group, during the band’s 1989 U.S. tour.

1993: To save a eucalyptus tree from being destroyed, artist William Leroy moved into the tree and declared it to be his official address: 604½ Eighth Street, Antioch, CA 94509.

1996: A $1.5-million dollar study, funded by the cable television industry, concluded that “psychologically harmful” violence pervaded the majority of U.S. TV programs. The study said that the risks of viewing such programs included: learning to behave violently, becoming insensitive to the harmful consequences of violence, and becoming more fearful of being attacked.

1998: President Clinton signed a bill changing the name of Washington National Airport to Ronald Reagan Washington National Airport.

2000: U.S. First Lady Hillary Rodham Clinton formally announced she was a candidate for the U.S. Senate from New York.

2002: Celine Dion’s “A New Day Has Come,” her first new song in two years, was released for radio play.

2003: ABC’s ”20/20” aired a British documentary on Michael Jackson in which the singer revealed he sometimes let children sleep in his bed.

TODAY IN CHRISTIAN HISTORY

891: Photius, patriarch of Constantinople from 858-867, dies after a series of excommunications and restorations. His 867 encyclical, which denounced the presence of Latin missionaries in Bulgaria as an intrusion and objected to the filioque clause in the creed (“the Holy Ghost . . . who proceeds from the Father and the Son”), was significant in the East-West conflict that eventually led to the “Great Schism”.

1564: Carried to church in a chair, John Calvin preaches his last sermon three months before his death.

1820: Eighty-six free black colonists sail from New York to Sierra Leone, Africa. Though white abolitionists initially supported such emigration efforts, most free blacks (and eventually more radical white abolitionists) denounced the effort as racist and ultimately proslavery.

1974: Revised Roman Catholic liturgy affects the practice of millions world wide.

1977: Black Rhodesian guerillas kill 7 white Catholic missionaries at St. Paul’s Mission in Rhodesia.

1992: Death of dedicated Christian and Missionary Alliance missionary, Robert Revel Hess, who, with his wife, served 28 years in the Philippines.

HOLLYWOOD, SPORTS AND CELEBRITY FIGURE BIRTHDAYS

  • actor (“Ryan’s Hope”, “LA Law”, Radio Days, Tin Men) Michael Tucker 73

  • TV News’ Tom Brokaw 77

BEE-BOP BIRTHDAYS

(Music Artist Birthdays From SongFacts.com)

1941 : Dave Berry

1943 : Fabian

1945 : Bob Marley

1947 : Allen Jones (Amen Corner)

1950 : Mike Batt

1950 : Natalie Cole

1957 : Simon Phillips (Toto)

1962 : Axl Rose (Guns N’ Roses)

1966 : Rick Astley

SECRETS OF THE UNIVERSE

Why do we say that something that is just right is “on the nose”?

This is an interesting expression simply because so many people guess wrong about its origins. They’re willing to bet that it was born at the racetrack, where any part of a horse that extends over the finish line first is enough to make it a winner. Given the shape of a horse, that has to be its nose. Well take a deep breath. Would you believe that “on the nose” comes from radio? When broadcasting began, directors had to communicate with people on the air without making noise, so they developed hand signals. Time is always a key element in live broadcasts. The person at the mike needed to know if the program was on schedule. If things were “just right,” the director signaled with a finger to the side of his or her nose.

CHRISTIAN ARTIST NEWS

This is just a tiny sample of the 5-6 pages of material you could be receiving three days a week from ChristianRadioShowPrepServices.com!

Tenth Avenue North frontman Mike Donehey says it’s been an incredible privilege getting up in front of WinterJam crowds every night this past month. He posted: Every night I get to look into so many pairs of eyes, and sing the chorus of I Have This Hope. Mike added: Particularly because of what’s happening in our county and around the globe, it’s a weighty and precious thing to get to stand in the middle of the audience and declare we have hope in and through every kind of trial we may face. Our hope is not in escapism. Our hope is not in walls that divide us, but in the One who unites us. There is one who is our life, and no one can ever take Him away.  
https://www.instagram.com/p/BP-tO46Dsje/

The Afters were posting pictures from LA this week. The band has been selected as the Fox Sports artist of the month this month and so were meeting with the FOX Sports TV/Music team. However, the members of the band made the most of their chance to be on the Sony lot. They also shared pictures from the original Seinfeld set and from in front of the Ghost busters car. 
https://www.instagram.com/p/BP_I0WGgYeC/

Mercyme was in our nation’s capital this week. The members of the band were given a private tour of the capital by congressman James Lanford, prompting front man Bart Millard to post: He used to book MercyMe years and years ago for church camps. He’s now a US Senator…while…I’m…in the same band. Mercyme was able to take advantage of the great acoustics at the top of the capital building by singing the National Anthem near the top of the dome.  
https://www.instagram.com/p/BP_F-HjDWwf/

Jamie Grace has taken date night to a whole new level. She invited all of her followers on facebook to join her on facebook for a date night full of worship songs and some scripture. But even if you missed out on the live broadcast, you can still check it out online.  https://www.instagram.com/p/BP_AxP7FOmC/

Newsboys Frontman Michael Tait says the highlight of 2017 so far was going to visit a indergarten class. Michael posted: kickin it with her n all her lil peeps, “THEY” sang me Newsboys songs from the top of their Lungs…None of her classmates believed she new Michael Tait, so I was her “Show n Tell” guest!  https://www.instagram.com/p/BP-oy2FBsfO/

Third Day’s Mark Lee is experimenting with a new format for his email updates. Mark posted: Starting this Friday I am going to send a weekly list of what’s going on in my world. Be sure to click the link in my profile – you won’t want to miss it!
 https://www.instagram.com/p/BQBJUBRgVgP/

Good news from Jonny Diaz. He posted a picture of his blood shot eyes this week and added: Thanks for all the prayers, guys. LASIK surgery went well. Sure, I look like I lost a fight…but you should see what I did to the doctor. Pretty astounding that burning away parts of your eye with a laser can fix your vision! Things are still a bit smokey in my right eye, but that’s normal. I now have 20/20 in one eye and a little better than 20/20 in the other!
 https://www.instagram.com/p/BQA6eR6hmFS/?taken-by=jonnydiaz

Third Day’s Mac Powell is puting his diet on hold. He shared a picture of McDonald’s Mac Jr., Big Mac and Grand Mac and added: So….I think I’ll put a postponement on my “diet” tomorrow.  
https://www.instagram.com/p/BP_gUnDjO0a/

An update on Big Daddy Weave Bass player Jay Weaver. His family recently posted on facebook: We have been to see the prosthetist two times now. Dr. Sellers has also cleared the left leg to begin the process of getting ready for his new feet, which would mean he would get to stand on his new feet at the end of February. Meanwhile, Jay is currently traveling with Big Daddy Weave on the Set Free tour. His family says he will now be able to play for the entire night.

A reminder from Natalie Grant earlier this week on Freedom Day. She posted: Freedom Day marks 152 years since Abraham Lincoln signed the joint resolution that proposed the Thirteenth Amendment, officially abolishing slavery. But the grim reality is that slavery still exists in a modern form. How will you use your freedom to End Slavery? Join me in the fight. Go to hopeforjustice.org/freedomday2017 to learn how. 
https://www.instagram.com/p/BP_J0SLhqH_/?taken-by=nataliegrant

NEWS KICKERS

(No news on the weekends. Want a customized audio version, FREE? Email me for more information! )

NEW NEWS KICKERS…

The University of California at San Francisco is banning sweetened beverages from campus. ***Sourpusses.

A Brazilian man says he’s addicted to funerals. The man has attended every single funeral in his town for the past 20 years and has quit his job to be able to feed his addiction. He says his father’s death set off his addiction.  ***Sadly, experts say the only known cure for this condition is attending your own funeral.

Pretty scary when the elk you just killed comes back for revenge – from the grave! In Oregon, 69-year-old hunter Gary Heeter was dragging an elk carcass behind his ATV up a steep hill Saturday when the vehicle flipped, impaling Heeter in the back on the elk’s antler. Members of his hunting party worked to stop the bleeding until a helicopter evac could land in the remote Maury Mountains area and take Heeter to a hospital in Bend. Last report is Mr. Heeter was in fair condition.  ***If this happened to a guy who killed just one elk, what’s going to happen to all of those people who at the venison burgers at Arby’s?

Living in space for one year can change a lot about a person, including their DNA. According to preliminary data released by NASA, Kelly’s genes, fine motor skills, microbiome and other aspects of his body were altered during the 340 days he spent in orbit from 2015 to 2016.  ***The guy’s DNA is different!  How do we know he wasn’t just replaced with an almost identical extraterrestrial to infiltrate the scientific community on Earth?

Burger King is going cage-free by the end of this year 2017.  ***That’s too bad. Cage fighting is a good way to burn off those Doulbe Whopper with cheese calories.

The Rare Breeds Survival Trust List for 2016 has listed Clydesdale horses as an endangered species. There are now only 5,000 left in the world.  ***I blame beer advertisers.

NEWS KICKER EVERGREENS…

Although global temperatures have been steady since 1999, climate scientists are calling it a “pause” in global warming.  ***My guess is they’re starting to get panicky there’ll be a “pause” in their funding.

We may say we hate Mondays, but research suggests Tuesdays, Wednesdays and Thursdays are equally despised. Researchers who looked at a poll of 340,000 people found moods were no worse on Mondays than other working days, except Friday.  ***So the next Presidential Election should be based around this single issue – banning all days of the week except for Fridays, Saturdays, and Sundays.

A recent study shows one in four high school students drink soda every day – a sign fewer teens are downing the sugary drinks.  The study also found teens drink water, milk and fruit juices most often – a pleasant surprise, because researchers weren’t certain that was the case.  “We were very pleased to see that,” said the study’s lead author, Nancy Bener of the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention.  Still, a quarter have at least one soda each day. And when other sugary drinks like Gatorade are also counted, the figure is closer to two-thirds of high school students drinking a sweetened beverage every day. ***The remaining one-third of teens who don’t drink sweetened beverages each day typically can’t do so because they’re dweebs and stuck inside a locker.

You’re sitting in a freshly dry walled house, drinking coffee from a plastic foam cup and talking on a cellphone. Which of these is most likely to be a cancer risk?  It might be the sitting, especially if you do that a lot.  Despite all the recent news about possible cancer risks from cellphones, coffee, styrene, and formaldehyde in building materials, most of us probably face little if any danger from these things with ordinary use, health experts say. Inactivity and obesity may pose a greater cancer risk than chemicals for some people.  ***This is an important less folks.  If you’re going to be near drywall, drinking coffee in a Styrofoam cup while talking on a cellphone, be sure to stand up while doing so.

Researchers say guppies are able to reproduce after they die. ***Big deal. Tupac has released 17 CD’s since he died.

AS THE JUNGLE TURNS

CLICK HERE TO DOWNLOAD MONDAY’S EPISODE

OPEN: And now, FancyMonkey.com, (Show Name), and (Station Call Letters) bring you As the Jungle Turns! Last time, Gruffy Bear was lonely at his cave because no one ever passed by on the path anymore because they didn’t want to pay his tolls. They built their own path, toll free, but even after Gruffy took down his toll booth the rest of the animals still don’t want to use his path – even if he gives all of their money back.

CLOSE: Tune in again next time as FancyMonkey.com, (Show Name), and (Station Call Letters) bring you another exciting episode of As the Jungle Turns!

***You may simulcast “As the Jungle Turns” on the Internet stream of your live broadcast only. Any other Internet use of “As the Jungle Turns” in whole or part including podcasting of your live broadcast is a violation of copyright law. Thank you for your cooperation on this vitally important issue. If you have any questions, please e-mail us and ask about “Jungle Jam & Friends the Radio Show” usage.

MOMENT OF DUH

Never mess with the radio station DJ!

24-year-old Paul Webster Feinstein was a volunteer DJ at community radio station KOOP-FM in Austin, Texas, and the tunes he played weren’t the only things that were hot. Paul said he was very unhappy that the music he had picked for the overnight Internet program had been changed. In fact, he was so unhappy that he went back and set the radio station on fire. Paul is now facing second-degree felony arson charges and won’t be back to host his show “Mellow Down Easy.”

TOP TEN

TOP TEN THINGS A DAD WILL NEVER SAY

10. Well, how ’bout that? I’m lost! Looks like we’ll have to stop and ask for directions.

9. You know Pumpkin, now that you’re thirteen, you’ll be ready for unchaperoned car dates. Won’t that be fun?

8. I noticed that all your friends have a certain hostile attitude. I like that.

7. Here’s a credit card and the keys to my new car. GO CRAZY!!

6. What do you mean you wanna play football? Figure skating’s not good enough for you, son?

5. Your Mother and I are going away for the weekend. You might want to consider throwing a party.

4. Well, I don’t know what’s wrong with your car. Probably one of those doo-hickey thingies–ya know–that makes it run or something. Just have it towed to a mechanic and pay whatever he asks.

3. No son of mine is going to live under this roof without an earring. Now quit your belly-aching, and let’s go to the mall.

2. Whaddya wanna go and get a job for? I make plenty of money for you to spend. Here’s $100.

1. What do I want for Father’s day? Aahh — don’t worry about that. It’s no big deal. (Okay, he might say it, but he doesn’t mean it!)

THE FILES OF LAW & DISORDER

If you’re going to shoplift, it’s best not to let anyone see you wearing the stolen merchandise.  Especially if you’re still inside the store!

FILE #1: A 24-year-old female shoplifter in the Belgian city of Antwerp stole over 10 items of clothing, then put the items on and tried to walk out of the store into the searing heat.  Security guards noticed her and she was detained.  She had on a jogging suit, a sweater, 4 polo shirts, 3 T-shirts, 4 sleeveless tops, and shorts.  ***MARLAR: Yeah, I can see that looking a tad suspicious.

FILE #2: 72-year-old Joann R. Olivio was found behind the counter at Studio 3 Hair Salon at 3:20a.m. The glass in the front door had been broken, Olivio was wearing a housecoat, pajamas, slippers, and yellow dishwashing gloves. And the jacket she wore over her housecoat had shards of glass on it. She was holding a hammer, squeegee and small flashlight. Joann broke into the salon because they ruined her hair and she wanted the money to get it fixed. But there was one problem: her husband says it was the wrong hair salon.

FILE #3: Two teenagers in Boulder, Colorado, were arrested on a variety of charges after they allegedly tried to charge people $1 to cross a bridge. When an off-duty cop refused to pay, they allegedly threatened to stab him with a broken golf club while shouting lines from “Monty Python & the Holy Grail.” He called for backup.

STRANGE LAW: A Pocatello, ID law forbids a person to be seen in public without a smile on their face.

THIS IS YOUR BRAIN ON DRUGS

Tailgating is always a bad idea. Tailgating a police car is a really bad idea. Tailgating a police car while high on marijuana makes you a moron.

In Indiana, Tyrone Gales and Andrew Ashley were tailgating a car while driving along Interstate 65. The car they were tailgating belonged to Bartholomew County Sheriff’s Deputy Kris Weisner and, yes, it was his marked patrol car. The deputy was nice enough to slow down and change lanes to let Tyrone and Andrew pass him. Instead, the boys pulled over and stopped. When Deputy Weisner approached the car to assist them, he noticed they had switched drivers. Upon further notice, he smelled the odor of burnt marijuana. A search of the car turned up a duffle bag containing over $13,000 in cash and 5 grams of marijuana and resulted in a ride to jail.

PHONER PHUN

Valentine’s Day is just a few days away – so now is the time to plan the perfect date. We already have a pretty good idea what the ladies would like – but what about the men? If things were reversed and it was the ladies planning the perfect Valentine’s Date for the men, what would that perfect date be, guys?

BIBLE BRAIN BUSTER!

QUESTION: How many times does the word Levite occur in the Book of Leviticus?
ANSWER: Only 4 – Even though Leviticus is a book that describes in detail the law of the priests, the word levite occurs only 4 times in the book. (Leviticus 25:32-33)

QUESTION IMPOSSIBLE

QUESTION: If you were to visit the average household you’d find five of these inside. What are they?

ANSWER: Calendars

TRUE OR FALSE

Pay attention! If our next player doesn’t answer all ten T/F questions correctly we start all over from question #1! First person to answer question #10 correctly is our winner!

1. In Czechoslovakia, there is a restaurant that has a chandelier made out of human bones. (False, it’s a church that has it.)

2. Colleen Kay Hutchins was the heaviest Miss America in 1952. She weighed 173 pounds. (False, 143 pounds)

3. There are mirrors on the moon. (True… they were left by astronauts so that laser beams could be bounced of them from Earth. These beams help give us the distance to the moon give or take a few meters.)

4. When the volcano Krakatoa, near Java, exploded in 1883, it was so loud that people in North America heard it. (True)

5. The first host of the TV game show “Jeopardy” was Art Fleming way back in 1964 when the show first debuted. (True)

6. The Partridge Family house was located at 4222 Clinton Way. (False, it was the Brady Bunch house.)

7. The gestation period of a hippo is usually 8 to 8 1/2 months. (True)

8. Australia’s national anthem is called “Advance Australia Fair.” (True)

9. Sanskrit is considered as the mother of all higher languages. (True – this is because it is the most precise and therefore suitable language for computer software.)

10. An artist from Chicago named Dwight Kalb once created a statue of Madonna made out of 180 pounds of ham. (True)

TABLOID MATCH GAME

You have to match the blank in the tabloid headline with the word or phrase that has been removed!

ALASKA BURIED IN ______ (SNOW)

ANCHORAGE – Alaska is being buried in snow.   They’ve already crushed all records – 160 inches

The worst winter anyone can remember in Alaska (or anywhere on earth) has piled snow so high people can’t see out the windows – of the top floors of their houses!  It’s also kept a tankers in ice-choked waters from delivering fuel on time and turned snow-packed roofs into sled runs.

While most of the nation has gone without much seasonal snow, the state already known for winter is buried in weather that has dumped more than twice as much snow as usual on its largest city, brought out the National Guard and put a run on snow shovels.

THE WAY TOO EARLY IN THE MORNING TO UNDERSTAND THE PUNCHLINE EVEN AFTER TWO CUPS OF COFFEE JOKE OF THE DAY 

JOKE #1

Before going to Europe on business, a man drove his Rolls-Royce to a downtown Chicago bank and went in to ask for an immediate loan of $5,000.

The loan officer, taken aback, requested collateral and so the man said, “Well then, here are the keys to my Rolls-Royce.”

The loan officer promptly had the car driven into the bank’s underground parking for safe keeping, and gave him $5,000.

Two weeks later, the man walked through the bank’s doors, and asked to settle up his loan and get his car back. “That will be $5,000 in principal, and $15.40 in interest”, the loan officer said. The man wrote out a check and started to walk away.

“Wait sir”, the loan officer said, “while you were gone, I found out you are a millionaire. Why in the world would you need to borrow $5,000?”

The man smiled. “Where else could I park my Rolls-Royce in Chicago for two weeks and pay only $15.40?”

JOKE #2

At my grandparent’s 50th wedding anniversary, I was looking through a photo album of their marriage ceremony. “Grandma, so many of these styles have come back over the years,” I commented. 



Grandma never hesitated. “That’s why I’ve kept Grandpa all this time,” she said. “I know he’ll be back in style again one of these days.”

JOKE #3

Jack has died. His lawyer is standing before the family and reads Jack’s last will and testament: 



“To my dear wife Esther, I leave the house, 50 acres of land, and one million dollars. To my son Barry, I leave my big Lexus and the Jaguar. To my daughter Suzy, I leave my yacht and $250,000. And to my brother-in-law Jeff, who always insisted that health is better than wealth, I leave my sun lamp.”

USELESS FACTS

35% of SELF readers admitted they dislike having house guests.  ***Go figure people reading a magazine named SELF wouldn’t want to share. (audio clip)

Doctors in India took 90 minutes to remove a toothbrush from the throat of a man who claimed he accidentally swallowed it. The 40-year-old businessman says he was vigorously cleaning his tongue when he suddenly swallowed the toothbrush and couldn’t cough it up. ***You know, if your tongue is that dirty, maybe it’s time to switch from licking to bathing. (audio clip)

FEATURED FUNNIES

SWINE FLU ALERT!

Everyone should be aware that there is a possibility of another outbreak of swine flu during the next few months. Please be conscious of the indications that you or members of your family may have contracted the Swine Flu Virus. The symptoms associated with this disease are:

1.) Sore throat.

2.) Slight headache.

3.) Moderate to high temperature.

4.) Nausea or upset stomach.

5.) Uncontrollable urge to roll around in the mud.

IT MUST BE TRUE BECAUSE I HEARD IT ON THE RADIO!

HERE WE GO LOO-B-LOO

Decorative toilets? At home maybe… but how about million-dollar restrooms at school?

Usually, all of us spend as little time in the restroom as possible, right? And if we’re talking about a school, then you don’t want anyone spending more time in there than is absolutely necessary – after all, hall passes weren’t made to create free time. So why would a school decorate its bathrooms with gold mirrors, green foliage, and decorative plasterwork? Nobody knows – but Whalley Range High School for Girls in Manchester is doing just that. Turns out the school’s principal thinks that restrooms say a lot about an organization, so she wants them to look good. She says, “The kids love it. They look after them and respect them.” The art design will now be moving on to the rest of the school and purple and gold paint effects have already been added to the entrance hall, along with roman columns and decorative plasterwork on the walls. ***MARLAR: So they may be flushing the educational tax dollars down the toilet, but at least the school looks good while doing it.

INSPIRATIONAL INSPIRATION

AMERICA’S CHRISTIAN ROOTS

Author Unknown

52 of the 55 signers of America’s Declaration of Independence were orthodox, deeply committed Christians. The other three all believed in the Bible as the divine truth, the God of Scripture, and His personal intervention

It is the same Congress that formed the American Bible Society. Immediately after creating the Declaration of Independence, the Continental Congress voted to purchase and import 20,000 copies of Scripture for the people of this nation.
Patrick Henry, who is called the firebrand of the American Revolution, is still remembered for his words, “Give me liberty or give me death.” But in current textbooks the context of these words is deleted. Here is what he actually said: “An appeal to arms and the God of hosts is all that is left us. But we shall not fight our battle alone. There is a just God that presides over the destinies of nations. The battle sir, is not to the strong alone. Is life so dear or peace so sweet as to be purchased at the price of chains and slavery? Forbid it almighty God. I know not what course others may take, but as for me, give me liberty, or give me death.”
These sentences have been erased from our textbooks. Was Patrick Henry a Christian? The following year, 1776, he wrote this “It cannot be emphasized too strongly or too often that this great Nation was founded not by religionists, but by Christians; not on religions, but on the Gospel of Jesus Christ. For that reason alone, people of other faiths have been afforded freedom of worship here.”
Consider these words that Thomas Jefferson wrote on the front of his well-worn Bible: “I am a real Christian, that is to say, a disciple of the doctrines of Jesus. I have little doubt that our whole country will soon be rallied to the unity of our Creator.” He was also the chairman of the American Bible Society, which he considered his highest and most important role.
On July 4, 1821, President Adams said, “The highest glory of the American Revolution was this: it connected in one indissoluble bond the principles of civil government with the principles of Christianity.”
Calvin Coolidge, our 30th President of the United States reaffirmed this truth when he wrote, “The foundations of our society and our government rest so much on the teachings of the Bible that it would be difficult to support them if faith in these teachings would cease to be practically universal in our country.”
In 1782, the United States Congress voted this resolution: “The Congress of the United States recommends and approves the Holy Bible for use in all schools.”
William Holmes McGuffey is the author of the McGuffey Reader, which was used for over 100 years in our public schools with over 125 million copies sold until it was stopped in 1963. President Lincoln called him the “Schoolmaster of the Nation.”
Listen to these words of Mr. McGuffey: “The Christian religion is the religion of our country. From it are derived our notions on the character of God, on the great moral Governor of the universe. On its doctrines are founded the peculiarities of our free institutions. From no source has the author drawn more conspicuously than from the sacred Scriptures. From all these extracts from the Bible I make no apology.”
Of the first 108 universities founded in America, 106 were distinctly Christian, including the first, Harvard University, chartered in 1636. In the original Harvard Student Handbook, rule number 1 was that students seeking entrance must know Latin and Greek so that they could study the Scriptures: “Let every student be plainly instructed and earnestly pressed to consider well, the main end of his life and studies is, to know God and Jesus Christ, which is eternal life, John 17:3; and therefore to lay Jesus Christ as the only foundation for our children to follow the moral principles of the Ten Commandments. James Madison, the primary author of the Constitution of the United States, said this: ‘”We have staked the whole future of our new nation not upon the power of government; far from it. We have staked the future of all our political constitutions upon the capacity of each of ourselves to govern ourselves according to the moral principles of the Ten Commandments.”
Today, we are asking God to bless America. But, how can He bless a Nation that has departed so far from Him? Prior to September 11, 2001, He was not welcome in America. Most of what you read in this article has been erased from our textbooks. Revisionists have rewritten history to remove the truth about our country’s Christian roots.

DRIVE TIME DEVOTIONAL

JORDAN’S IDEA

By Anne Cetas

All Scripture is given by inspiration of God, and is profitable for doctrine, …for instruction in righteousness. – 2 Timothy 3:16

One spring day, Jordan began asking questions about Jesus’ resurrection as his mom was taking him to preschool. Realizing he thought Jesus was rising from the dead for the first time this Easter, she tried to correct him. She pulled the car over and told him all about Jesus’ death and resurrection. She concluded, “Jesus rose from the dead a long time ago, and now He wants to live in our hearts.” But Jordan still didn’t understand.

Unsure how she could make it any clearer, she said, “How about if we stop by the bookstore? I saw some books about Easter when I was there last week. We’ll get one and read through it together.” With a wisdom beyond his years, Jordan responded, “Can’t we just read the Bible?”

Jordan’s idea was right. Commentaries and books about the Bible are helpful tools. But they should never be used as a substitute for God’s revelation of Himself—His Word. No other book has been given to us “by inspiration of God” (2 Timothy 3:16). As author Eugene Peterson says, “God’s voice [is] speaking to us, inviting, promising, blessing, confronting, commanding, healing.”

Let’s follow Jordan’s idea and go first to the ultimate source of truth—the Bible.

Exhaustless store of treasured gems
Within this Book I hold;
And as I read, it comes alive,
New treasures to unfold. —Mortenson

Go to the Bible for your protection, correction, and direction.

LEFTOVERS

IT’S A GAS

A German man attempting to cook himself some sausages ended up blowing up his house.

…The man, only identified by his first name, “Klaus”, came home to find his gas in his home shut off. So in order to get his gas stove to work to make the sausages, he tapped directly into the gas line. All was well, until he lit up the cigarette his girlfriend offered him. The cigarette triggered an explosion that blew the roof off his house and injured seven people, including Klaus and his girlfriend. Although the explosion did an estimated $1.5 million in damages to his home and surrounding area, no one was seriously hurt.

LIFE… LIVE IT

WHAT DOES SHE WANT FOR VALENTINE’S DAY?

Don’t know what to get your lady for Valentine’s Day? Discover Card did the hard work for you and figured out what she really wants…

…Their annual survey says the way to her heart is through her stomach. The gifts women most want to receive:

A special dinner (57%)

Flowers (48%)

Candy or chocolates (33%)

Travel or a weekend getaway (32%)

Jewelry (30%)

A night out on the town (27%)

Music/books/DVDs or games (26%)

Clothing or lingerie (16%)

*** So the top of the list at 57% is a special dinner. So for goodness sake, offer to super-size that Valentine’s dinner for your sweetie!

JUST FOR FUN

10 conversation starters you can use on your winter dates and throughout the year (All Pro Dad): 

  • Outdoors vs. Indoors. Which outdoor activities do you enjoy most? Which indoor activities do you enjoy most?

  • Major events. What major event, anywhere in the world involving a holiday, would you most like to attend?

  • Creativity. What have you created that you are most proud of?

  • Real representation. What item or gift represents who you are as a person?

  • Favorites. What is your favorite restaurant, food, dessert, drink, etc.?

  • First times. What was the first meal you cooked on your own, the first time you drove a car alone, and the first time you thought we’d be together forever?

  • You’re a superstar. If you were to become famous for something, what would it be?

  • Difficult vs. Easy. What is the most difficult thing for you to do? What is the easiest thing for you to do?

  • This or that. Would you rather host a party or attend a party?

  • Fears and scary things. What are you biggest fears? What animal scares you the most?

FUN LIST

HE SAID/HE MEANS

My wife and I had a fairly heated discussion last night regarding “communication”.  It’s interesting that I am a professional broadcaster – a communicator – and yet my wife still doesn’t understand me.  So, to help her out – and to help all others in the male species – I’ve come up with a quick guide on how to understand your man!

  • “I’m going fishing.” — Translated: I’m going to sit in a boat all day with a stick in my hand, while the fish swim by in complete safety.”

  • “It’s a guy thing.” – Translated: “There is no rational thought pattern connected with it, and you have no chance at all of making it logical.”

  • “Can I help with Dinner?” – Translated: “Why isn’t it already on the table?”

  • “Uh huh, sure, hone.” or alternately “Yes, dear.” – Translated: Absolutely nothing. It’s a conditioned response.

  • “It would take too long to explain.” – Translated: “I have no idea how it works.”

  • “Take a break honey, you’re working too hard.” – Translated: “I can’t hear television over the vacuum cleaner.”

  • “That’s interesting, dear.” – Translated: “Are you still talking?”

  • “You know how bad my memory is.” – Translated: “I remember the theme song to ‘F Troop,’ the phone number of my first girlfriend, and the vehicle identification numbers of every car I’ve ever owned, but I forgot your birthday.”

  • “Oh, don’t fuss. I just cut myself, it’s no big deal.” – Translated: “I have actually severed a limb, but will bleed to death before I admit that I’m hurt.”

  • “Hey, I’ve got my reasons for what I’m doing.” – Translated: “And I sure hope I think of some reasons pretty soon.”

  • “I can’t find it.” – Translated: “It didn’t fall into my out stretched hands, so I’m completely clueless.”

  • “I heard you.” – Translated: “I haven’t the foggiest clue what you just said, and am hoping desperately that I can fake it well enough so that you don’t spend the next 3 days yelling at me.”

  • “You look terrific.” – Translated: “Please don’t try on one more outfit, I’m starving, let’s go to dinner already.”

  • “I’m not lost. I know exactly where we are.” – Translated: “No one will ever see us alive again.

MORE SHOW PREP STUFF…

A FEW TIPS ON HOW TO “TAKE THIS JOB AND LOVE IT”

Wish you could tell your boss to shut up and then just walk out of your job?  Welcome to the club. Studies show that upwards of 56% of Americans would like to. “It’s not always possible or practical for workers to just quit their job,” says Miriam Biddelman, a psychotherapist in New York. “But there is much they can do to make themselves happier at work.” Here are seven of her top ways to take this job and love it:

  • Buddy up — When workers bond and socialize, they create a sense of community, or even a second family to help you endure hard times.

  • Try to do more – not less — Not only will digging in at work produce more satisfaction than holding back, it can get you a promotion or a better job.

  • Snag more responsibility — Even if your title and your pay remain the same, being “in charge” of any detail of work leads to higher self-esteem.

  • Keep photos — Pics of your spouse, kids or pet, or a favorite coffee mug are reminders of what’s really important in your life.

  • Head for the hills — Get away from your desk or station during lunch and coffee breaks. Just getting outdoors is mentally rewarding.

  • Phone it in — Could any part of your work be done at home via phone, computer or fax? Lots of work performed at an office can be.

  • Let perks perk you up — Maybe a raise is out of the question, no matter how much you deserve one. Perhaps the boss would be willing to give you a little flextime or some other much needed perk. Ask and ye may receive.

OTHER STUFF I WANT TO CRAM INTO TODAY’S PREP

Does being pro-life or pro-choice have an effect on your family life? It turns out it might – even affecting the number of children you have! Pro-Abortionists may be defeated by believing their own rhetoric. A study finds evidence that the higher fertility rates of those who are pro-life compared to those who are pro-choice contributed to Americans becoming, on average, more pro-life than they would have been if the fertility differential did not exist. Over the 34-year time span that was studied, pro-lifers had about 2.5 children on average for every two children born to pro-choicers. In addition to having more children, the children of pro-life parents appear to be more likely than the children of pro-choice parents to adopt the views of their parents.  http://bit.ly/1qpOlVj

It’s not always easy to convince yourself to exercise after a long day of work. But according to Time magazine’s report, people who consistently manage to do it may be using a simple trick—whether they realize it or not. A study published in the journal Health Psychology found that the most consistent exercisers were those who made exercise into a specific type of habit—one triggered by your own internal or environmental cue. Research say the only factor that predicted how often a person exercised over the long-term was the strength of their habit. They add that it also gets stronger over time. http://ti.me/1IcET6n

A study shows faith may be one of the best ways to fight cancer. ACancer patients who report more religiousness or spirituality may also experience fewer physical symptoms of cancer and treatment and more social connection. The new analyzes reviewed previous studies of spirituality involving more than 44,000 cancer patients altogether. It found that Cancer patients who reported higher meaning, purpose, and spiritual connection in life also reported better physical health. http://bit.ly/1DGlaua

A group of Virginia teens convicted of spray-painting an historic black church with swastikas and “white power” have been sentenced to visit the U.S. Holocaust Memorial Museum.  Now THAT is an appropriate sentence!  http://huff.to/2km4fWt

There’s a new elementary school champion: he has a customized secret handshake routine for every one of his students.  Seriously, a different handshake for each individual student!  
The high-energy fifth grade teacher’s (Barry White, Jr.) special routine is going viral as social media has picked up on the video of him greeting his students at the start of the day.  It is incredible – and what a fun and interesting way to show each kid that they are a unique and special individual!  http://ti.me/2kusB2B

AND I LEAVE YOU WITH THIS THOUGHT

Somebody wrote in and asked if they got this show in (LOCAL SMALL TOWN). They hear this show in (LOCAL SMALL TOWN), but they don’t get it.

Whenever I find myself in a really dangerous moment, I stop and ask myself, “What would Steven Segal do in a situation like this?” Then I go out and make a really stupid movie. –Tom Sims

THE TICKET Movie Reviews with MARIE ASNER

Marie Asner has been reviewing films for over 35 years. Her outlets include radio, print and Internet. For more in-depth movie reviews of the following films, visit www.Tollbooth.org. Ratings from 1 (Low) to 5 (High).

FEBRUARY 03, 2017…

Opening moved ahead from an earlier date) The Space Between Us—On a colonization voyage to Mars, it is discovered that one of the female astronauts is pregnant.  This results in the first child, a boy, being born on Mars, but in that atmosphere, gravity, etc. Fast forward to teen years, and the kid (Asa Butterfield) knows about Earth and even has a girl friend, Britt Robertson (Skype) he writes to.  However, something happens and Asa ends up on Earth. “The Space Between Us” is rated PG 13. Rating of 2 for fans.

Rings—Johnny Galecki is one of the stars in a remake/new episode of the Japanese supernatural film about a haunting that occurs seven days after you have viewed a video tape. “Something” comes out of a dark hole and comes after you. This film is set thirteen years after the original. Can’t keep a good DVD down. The original was popular and here we go again.  Also in the cast are Vincent Onofrio, Alex Rae, and Matilda Lutz. “Rings” is rated R. Rating of 2 for fans.

The Comedian—Comics sometimes have a dark streak in them and such is the theme in the film starring Robert De Niro. He is a comedian who tries a comeback but gets into trouble. This film is directed by Taylor Hackford who is also Helen Mirren’s husband.  No, she is not in this film, but Leslie Mann, Danny De Vito and Edie Jolie are. “The Comedian” is rated R. No rating.

FEBRUARY 10, 2017…

Fifty Shades Darker continues the romance between Dakota Johnson and Jamie Dorman. Adult film.

John Wick: Chapter 2 with Keanu Reeves as the action guy with an attitude. The first film was surprisingly successful.

The Lego Batman Movie and with the popularity of “The Lego Movie,” this one is sure to have appeal.

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Darren Marlar credits all non-original material to the author whenever possible. All other material is original, used with permission, or author unknown. We welcome all comments, questions, and suggestions. Darren can be reached via his website at www.DarrenMarlar.com.