February 07, 2016: Sunday ONAIRprep

***RADIO ISN’T DEAD – From RadioIsntDead.com

***DAILY DOSE OF WEIRD NEWS – FREE TO AIR! (Contact me to sign up!)

***CREATION MOMENTS MINUTE – FREE TO AIR! (Contact me to sign up!)

 

PRINTER FRIENDLY VERSION: 20160207

 

 

WELCOME TO THE SHOW!

Melting snow… lots of slush.  That’s what we got today.  It only took a few seconds for my car’s windshield to become opaque.  I hit the washer button. Dribble, dribble, nothing.  Isn’t that always the case?  You always run of washer fluid just when you need it, just like shoelaces always snap when you need to wear shoes.  I now have to buy a gallon of washer fluid, and the tank only holds 3/4 of a gallon. I mean come on! It’s like hot dogs coming 10 to a pack, and the buns coming in groups of eight!  Can we not get just a little cooperation between the automakers and the people that make stuff that go in the auto?

 

 

BIBLE VERSE OF THE DAY

The heavens declare the glory of God; the skies proclaim the work of his hands. Day after day they pour forth speech; night after night they display knowledge.  — Psalm 19:1-2

 

The word of the Lord is right and true; he is faithful in all he does. The Lord loves righteousness and justice; the earth is full of his unfailing love. — Psalm 33:4-5

 

 

HEARTLIGHT DAILY VERSE, PRAYER & THOUGHT

(From VerseOfTheDay.com)

Seek good, not evil, that you may live. Then the LORD God Almighty will be with you, just as you say he is. — Amos 5:14

 

Thought: Isn’t it amazing how many people claim God is on their side. God has been “claimed” by those seeking to enforce slavery, practice prejudice, lie, bribe officials, practice hypocrisy, force injustice on the powerless, and practice “ethnic cleansing.” But God makes the test pretty simple: do what is good, seek after the good, or you’re not related to me! In the words of the prophet Amos, that meant equity for all peoples in court, in the marketplace, and in the place of worship. If we’re claiming God is on our side, then we’d better draw close to the side of God, the side of good, justice, and mercy as God defines them!

 

Prayer: Precious and Almighty God, full of mercy and lover of justice and fairness, I praise you for your concern for those who are often forgotten. By the presence of your Holy Spirit within me, convict me when I side with evil and oppression and stir me to work for the salvation of others, of my culture, and of my world — not just eternal salvation, but salvation from evil and hatred that are so prevalent. May your Kingdom dawn more brightly in our world as it does in your heart and will for us. In Jesus’ name. Amen.

 

The Thoughts and Prayers for Today’s Verse are written by Phil Ware. You can email questions or comments to phil@heartlight.org.

 

 

BIRTHDAY VERSE” OF THE DAY

The chapter and verse corresponds to the month and the day!

Proverbs 2:7 NIV = He holds victory in store for the upright, he is a shield to those whose walk is blameless…

 

 

TODAY IS SATURDAY – FEBRUARY 07, 2016

(NOTE: Some holidays may be duplicated due to various calendars reporting conflicting dates)
WEIRD, WACKY, STRANGE, ZANY, ODD, BIZARRE, QUIRKY, UNUSUAL HOLIDAYS!
THERE ARE ONLY 321 SHOPPING DAYS UNTIL CHRISTMAS.   

 

Today is NO MEMO DAY.  *** Be sure to send a note to everyone telling them about it.

 

Today is WAVE ALL YOUR FINGERS AT YOUR NEIGHBORS DAY.  *** And mean it.

 

This is NATIONAL SCHOOL COUNSELING WEEK.  *** And in today’s world, who doesn’t need a little counseling – especially in the schools!

 

This is LOVE MAY MAKE THE WORLD GO ‘ROUND, BUT LAUGHTER KEEPS US FROM GETTING DIZZY WEEK.

 

Today is SEND A CARD TO A FRIEND DAY.  *** So, for some laughter, send your friend a “Get Well” card even if they’re not sick.  Or maybe have everyone at the office sign a card for a co-worker that says, “You’ll be missed.”  For your neighbor, send something like, “My tire was thumping, I thought it was flat. When I looked at the tire, I found your cat. (Sorry!)”

 

 

TODAY IS ALSO. . .

Dump Your Significant Jerk Day

“e” Day

Ballet Day

National Periodic Table Day

Popcorn Day

Super Bowl 50

Man Day

 

 

COMING UP NEXT

MONDAY, FEBRUARY 08

Boy Scout Anniversary

Laugh And Get Rich Day

Chinese New Year

Opera Day

 

TUESDAY, FEBRUARY 09

Mardi Gras

National Stop Bullying Day

National Pizza Day

Paczki Day

Read in the Bathtub Day

Safer Internet Day

Toothache Day

Extraterrestrial Culture Day

Extraterrestrial Visitor Day

International Pancake Day

 

WEDNESDAY, FEBRUARY 10

Plimsoll Day

All The News That’s Fit To Print Day

 

THURSDAY, FEBRUARY 11

Be Electrific Day

Don’t Cry Over Spilled Milk Day

Get Out Your Guitar Day

Make a Friend Day

Pro Sports Wives Day

National Shut-In Visitation Day

Satisfied Staying Single Day

White Shirt Day (White T-shirt Day)

World Day of the Sick

 

FRIDAY, FEBRUARY 12

Lincoln’s Birthday

Oglethorpe Day

Paul Bunyan Day (Born Feb 12, 1834 in Bangor, ME)

Safety Pup Day

 

SATURDAY, FEBRUARY 13

Desperation Day

Employee Legal Awareness Day

Galentine’s Day

Get a Different Name Day

Madly In Love With me Day

World Radio Day

World Whale Day

 

SUNDAY, FEBRUARY 14

Autism Day

Batman Sticker Day

Ferris Wheel Day

International Book Giving Day

Frederick Douglass Day

Pet Theft Awareness Day (***If it requires a special day set aside to make you aware your pet has been stolen, you don’t deserve to have a pet at all.)

Library Lovers Day

National Have a heart Day

Congenital Heart Defect Awareness Day

League of Women Voters Day

National Women’s Heart Day

Race Relations Day

Singles Awareness Day (Singles Appreciation Day)

National Donor Day

Quirky Alone Day

Valentine’s Day

World Marriage Day

 

MONDAY, FEBRUARY 15

Clean Out Your Computer Day

Angelman Syndrome Day

Grammy Awards

Lupercalia

National Gum Drop Day

National Hippo Day

Presidents Day

Remember the Maine Day

Susan B. Anthony Day

 

 

ON THIS DAY

1940: Walt Disney’s cartoon movie “Pinocchio” premiered at the Center Theatre in New York City. (audio clip)

 

1944: Bing Crosby and the John Scott Trotter Orchestra recorded “Swinging on a Star” for Decca Records in Los Angeles.

 

1954: At Chess Records’ Chicago studios, Muddy Waters recorded “I’m Your Hootchie-Coochie Man.”

 

1959: Over a thousand mourners attended 22-year-old Buddy Holly’s funeral at the Tabernacle Baptist Church in Lubbock, Texas. Holly’s pregnant wife Maria Elena, who miscarried shortly after her husband’s death, did not attend.

 

1964: Pan Am Flight 101 arrived in New York City bringing the Beatles for their first American tour. Some 10,000 fans were waiting at Kennedy airport. Baskin-Robbins introduced a new ice cream flavor called Beatle-Nut.

 

1965: Beatle George Harrison had his tonsils removed.

 

1971: Women in Switzerland finally won the right to vote.

 

1975: The R. Rodden family’s Saint Bernard set a world record in Lebanon, Missouri, by giving birth to 23 puppies. Only 14 survived.

 

1979: Burglars blew a safe in Bielefeld, Germany, and the whole building collapsed around them. It seems the safe was filled with dynamite. (audio clip)

 

1985: Sports Illustrated published the largest edition in the magazine’s history at 218 pages — its annual swimsuit edition.

 

1986: History’s most productive duck died in Princes Risborough, Great Britain. The Aylesbury duck laid 457 eggs in 463 days, including 375 days in a row.

 

1994: Retired Chicago Bull star Michael Jordan signed a baseball contract with the Chicago White Sox.

 

1994: On a visit to New Zealand, Prince Charles was sprayed with air freshener by a kooky Kiwi who said he “wanted to remove the stink of royalty.”

 

2001: Doctors said a man in Kirov, Russia, survived an eight-story fall off a balcony because he was so drunk. Snow also softened the blow, but the man still broke five ribs and doctors said the fact he was so relaxed probably saved his life.

 

2002: While leaning through a car window trying to steal a radio in the Israeli town of Beersheba, a thief accidentally pressed a button and closed the vehicle’s electronic windows, trapping himself. The owner heard the thief yelling for help and called police. The owner rescued the 34-year-old thief just as police arrived.

 

2003: The longest-living recipient of a self-contained artificial heart, 71-year-old Tom Christerson, died at Jewish Hospital in Louisville, Kentucky, after living 512 days with the AbioCor heart.

 

 

TODAY IN CHRISTIAN HISTORY

1478: Thomas More, lord chancellor of England during the English Reformation, is born. Though he idealized freedom of religion in Utopia (1516), he supported the punishment of heretics and Protestants like Martin Luther and William Tyndale. He retired from office rather than acknowledge Henry VIII’s divorce and was beheaded for refusing to acknowledge Henry as head of the church.

 

1497: Savonarola burns art works in Florence, declaring them indecent. Painters had been using well-known, unsaintly individuals as models for the virgin Mary and other saints, and dressing them in finery that the saints never wore.

 

1817: Abolitionist Frederick Douglass is born into slavery in Talbot County, Maryland. After escaping to freedom, he became the most prominent of the black abolitionists and eventually became the first black to hold high political office, as consul-general to the Republic of Haiti.

 

1938: After years of being closely watched by Nazi secret police, Lutheran pastor Martin Niemoller is put on trial. He was subsequently confined in a concentration camp, but he survived and went on to hold a leadership role in the World Council of Churches from 1948-1968.

 

1945: Deitrich Bonhoeffer was transferred to the terrible Buchenwald Concentration Camp where many thousands of prisoners died, some under cruel medical experiments. Three months later Bonhoeffer corpse was added to the list of dead. He was hanged days before the allies freed the camp.

 

 

HOLLYWOOD, SPORTS AND CELEBRITY FIGURE BIRTHDAYS

  • Actor (Tommy on “3rd Rock From The Sun”, Inception, The Dark Knight Rises) Joseph Gordon-Levitt, 35 (audio file)
  • Actor (“That ’70s Show,” “Punk’d,”, “Two And A Half Men”, The Butterfly Effect) Ashton Kutcher, 38 (audio file)
  • Actor/comedian Chris Rock, 50
  • Actor (“Boston Legal,” Stargate, “The Blacklist”, Avengers: Age of Ultron) James Spader, 56

 

 

BEE-BOP BIRTHDAYS

(Music Artist Birthdays From SongFacts.com)

1883 : Eubie Blake

1920 : Oscar Brand

1934 : King Curtis

1934 : Earl King

1946 : Sammy Johns

1948 : Jimmy Greenspoon (Three Dog Night)

1949 : Alan Lancaster (Status Quo)

1959 : Brian Travers (UB40)

1960 : Steve Bronski (The Bronski Beat)

1962 : Garth Brooks (born Troyal Garth Brooks)

1962 : David Bryan (Bon Jovi)

 

 

SECRETS OF THE UNIVERSE

Do you think ketchup flavored ice cream would sell?

Ice cream makers Baskin Robbins tried to make Ketchup Ice Cream. They refer to it as “the only vegetable flavored ice cream” they ever made. After making several gallons of the stuff, they soon realized it would not sell. ***Immediately after realizing their failure, they had to do a little “Ketchup” (catch up) on their own to get customers back!

 

 

CHRISTIAN ARTIST NEWS

Do you like the Christian Artist News you see below? It’s just a tiny sample of the 5-6 pages of material you could be receive every weekday… and it’s FREE!  Become one of their subscribers at ChristianRadioShowPrepServices.com!

Kutless member James Mead on what he would be doing if he wasn’t playing in a Christian band: I’ve always wanted to be an actor. But I’d like to write some books too, and start a clothing company.

 

Casting Crowns Jaun Devevo is offering a new service. He posted a flyer on the bulletin board by the Henry County YMCA pool offering Tearable puns. Need a smile; just tear off and read one. Jaun added: If there’s a line, please be patient. I’ll make more

https://www.instagram.com/p/BBFsBIxTCNH/

 

Louie Giglio recently shared a picture on instagram with Rhett Lashlee, a recruiter for the Auburn University football team. Louie quipped: Had a drop in recruiting by visit. However, Louie added that he was too slow and too old so he didn’t make the cut.

 

Third Day’s Mark Lee is out with his list of 10 books every Christian should read. Check out Mark’s list and see how it compares with your own.

  1. The One Year Bible.
  2. Rick Warren’s Bible Study Methods.
  3. Mere Christianity, by C.S. Lewis.
  4. Celebration of Discipline, by Richard Foster.
  5. The God You Can Know, by Dan DeHaan.
  6. Roaring Lambs, by Bob Briner.
  7. Ragamuffin Gospel, by Brennan Manning.
  8. My Utmost for His Highest, by Oswald Chambers.
  9. Practicing His Presence, by Frank Laubach and Brother Lawrence.
  10. Walking on Water, by Madeleine L’Engle.

https://www.instagram.com/p/BBDxtuVudMY/

 

Another unique tidbit about the state of Oregon from Kutless member James Mead. He tweeted: Because it’s Oregon, we have a commercial for trees. Just trees. It doesn’t seem to be for selling anything. It’s just about trees.

 

Question of the day from Natalie Grant: Ever have those moments where you just stop and ask yourself, “what am I doing? And why am I doing it?”

 

The artists participating in this years The Bible Tour have been announced. Taking part will be Matthew West, Sidewalk Prophets, Aaron Shust, Love and the Outcome, and Blanca. The tour will take place in April.

http://TheBibleTour2016.com

 

Sidewalk Prophets front man Dave was recently in Detroit as part of the Winterjam tour. During their trip to Detroit Dave gave what he termed “a poor mans tour of the Detroit Pistons locker room. Dave added that he was going to be the Pistons secret weapon that night. His nickname: the bowling ball of destruction.

http://youtu.be/hB24QXeEPtQ

 

The Skillet song Monster has been recognized as the biggest digital single in Christian music history. According to The Media Collective, the song received 2 times platinum certification this week, accumulating over 2.6 million in sales and streams.

 

Chris Tomlin and Tim Tebow are competing for a special cause. In a new spot recorded by the two well known Christian leaders, Chris and Tim ask for your help in supporting Cure, an organization that works with Christian Doctors and Nurses to heal people around the world in the name of Jesus. You can watch Tim try to sing a worship song and then see Chris attempt to take Tim down on the football field and then choose to join either join team Chris or Team Tim. https://twitter.com/pauljgoldsmith/status/694698433190334464

 

 

NEWS KICKERS

(No news on the weekends.  Audio clips are only valid for a few days before being removed from our servers.)

 

NEW NEWS KICKERS…

 

 

NEWS KICKER EVERGREENS…

 

 

WONDER WOMAN

CLICK HERE TO DOWNLOAD TODAY’S EPISODE… “Jelly Fish Gas”

 

 

DAILY COMEDY CLIP

CLICK HERE TO DOWNLOAD TODAY’S EPISODE… Brad Stine, “Signs”

 

 

AS THE JUNGLE TURNS – WEEKDAY VERSION

CLICK HERE TO DOWNLOAD MONDAY’S EPISODE  
OPEN: And now, FancyMonkey.com, (Show Name), and (Station Call Letters) bring you As the Jungle Turns!

Last time, Gruffy Bear, after breaking his promise to Sully numerous times to play checkers with him, finally showed up on Sully’s door… ashamed of how he’d been acting.  But Sully already had plans to play checkers with Nozzles the elephant.  And that leaves Gruffy with no one…

 

CLOSE: Now that’s what forgiveness… and friendship… is all about.  Tune in again next time, as FancyMonkey.com, (Show Name), and (Station Call Letters) bring you another exciting episode of As the Jungle Turns!

 

 

AS THE JUNGLE TURNS – SATURDAY/SUNDAY VERSION

CLICK HERE TO DOWNLOAD THE EPISODE FOR THE WEEKEND OF FEBRUARY 06/07

 

OPEN: And now, FancyMonkey.com, (Show Name), and (Station Call Letters) bring you As the Jungle Turns!  Last time, Louis the lion – made king of the jungle by all the rest of the animals – found out that being king is a really big responsibility, and decided he didn’t want to be king any longer.  So now all of the animals are out looking for a new animal to take over the throne – and it’s not going well!

 

CLOSE: Sounds like they’re getting closer to finding a king… at least they’ve found some kingly, uh… stuff.  Tune in again next time for another episode of As the Jungle Turns!

 

***You may simulcast “As the Jungle Turns” on the Internet stream of your live broadcast only. Any other Internet use of “As the Jungle Turns” in whole or part including podcasting of your live broadcast is a violation of copyright law. Thank you for your cooperation on this vitally important issue. If you have any questions, please e-mail us and ask about “Jungle Jam & Friends the Radio Show” usage.

 

 

MOMENT OF DUH

It doesn’t always work: blaming someone else. 

In Birmingham, Alabama, shoe repairman Ronald Blankenship just finished second in the Democratic primary for sheriff and was placed in a run-off. However, the Birmingham News then discovered and published details of Ronald’s apparently shady past. Reportedly he once faked his death in connection with an insurance policy and was arrested for assault and passing bad checks. So what did Ronald have to say in his defense? A week later he said it must be another Ronald Blankenship– even though “both” men have the same middle name and birth date and coincidentally are married to women with the same first, middle and maiden names.

 

 

TOP TEN

THE TEN BEST THINGS TO SAY IF YOU GET CAUGHT SLEEPING AT YOUR DESK:

  • “They told me at the blood bank this might happen.”
  • “This is just a 15 minute power-nap like they raved about in that time management course you sent me to.”
  • “Whew! Guess I left the top off the White-Out. You probably got here just in time!”
  • “I wasn’t sleeping! I was meditating on the mission statement and envisioning a new paradigm.”
  • “I was testing my keyboard for drool resistance.”
  • “I was doing a highly specific Yoga exercise to relieve work-related stress. Are you discriminatory toward people who practice Yoga?”
  • “Why did you interrupt me? I had almost figured out a solution to our biggest problem.”
  • “The pop machine is broken…”
  • “Someone must’ve put decaf in the wrong pot…”
  • “In Jesus’ name. Amen.”

 

 

THE FILES OF LAW & DISORDER

Scandal has dogged the mayor of Alice, Texas. 

 

FILE #1: A few years ago, in Alice, Texas mayor Grace Saenz-Lopez resigned over a dog-napping scandal.  That’s right – dog-napping!  It seems the mayor had agreed to take care of her neighbor’s dog, Puddles, while they went on vacation. However, the day after they left, the mayor called the dog’s family to tell them the dog had died. The dog really hadn’t died though – and three months later the Shih-Tzu was spotted by the owners at a dog grooming salon.  Puddles’ owners went to court to get the dog back, the mayor said it couldn’t be the same dog because she had reported the dog missing, but a TV crew found the dog at a very conspicuous location – the home of Grace’s twin sister, who said a mysterious lady had discovered the dog and dropped it off.  The former mayor faced two counts of tampering with physical evidence, while her sister was indicted for concealing evidence.

 

FILE #2: 33-year-old Brian Valery, of New York, was just given five years of probation after a judge declared him guilty of posing as a lawyer for two years! Despite having no law degree, Brian worked for Anderson Kill & Olick as a paralegal, and then was promoted to staff attorney after claiming he passed the bar exam. He also claimed that he was a graduate from the Fordham University Law School. Reportedly Valery’s original sentence was for 15 years in prison for grand larceny. However, Supreme Court Justice Gregory Carro decided to cut it to probation as Valery returned $150,000 of the money he earned as an employee at the law firm. Ironically, he had an incredible work ethic– worked about 70 hours a week and won about 50 court cases!

 

FILE #3: 44-year-old Teresa Walker of Cincinnati is probably not the police department’s favorite citizen. While waiting for a ticket to be written during a minor traffic stop, Teresa actually called the police department on her cell phone to complain that the officer giving her the ticket was writing too slowly. She later denied the officer’s charge that she had threatened to “shoot” him if he didn’t speed it up, saying she only threatened to “sue” him — not shoot him!

 

STRANGE LAW: It is unlawful to lend your vacuum cleaner to your next-door neighbor in Denver, CO.

 

 

THIS IS YOUR BRAIN ON DRUGS

First the client got busted for drunken driving – then the lawyer. 

Police in Madison, Wisconsin arrested attorney Rick Petri after he went to pick up a client who had been charged with drunken driving.  Petri says he had some drinks earlier in the evening and thought he had slept it off. Petri once prosecuted drunken drivers and says he should have known better.  Petri says he was wrong and he is humbled by the experience.  Both Petri and his client were cited for first offenses.  ***MARLAR: Sounds like someone needs to learn how to pass the bar again.

 

 

PHONER PHUN

What’s the first web site you visit each day?

 

If it meant an 80% discount on auto insurance, would you consider buying a self driving car? Of course you would! Nine out of 10 in a new survey say absolutely. 20% of us are so excited about the concept of a self-driving car that we’d buy one even if no discount were offered. What’s the top thing you would do if a computer took over the wheel? Text, of course. 26% say texting or talking with friends. 21% said read and 10% said sleep.

 

 

BIBLE BRAIN BUSTER!

QUESTION: How many of Israel’s elders went up Mt. Sinai with Moses?

ANSWER: 70 (Exodus 24:9)

 

QUESTION: What servant of a prophet had his skin turned white as snow?
ANSWER: Gehazi, Elisha’s servant (2 Kings 5:27)

 

 

QUESTION IMPOSSIBLE

QUESTION: Airport security screeners in the U.S. confiscate approximately 37,000 of these each day.  What are they?

ANSWER: Lighters

 

 

TRUE OR FALSE

Pay attention!  If our next player doesn’t answer all ten T/F questions correctly we start all over from question #1!  First person to answer question #10 correctly is our winner!

  1. Just one mourner walked with Mozart’s coffin before it was buried in a pauper’s grave. (True)

 

  1. The San Francisco Cable cars are the only mobile National Monuments. (True)

 

  1. The “save” icon on Microsoft Word shows a floppy disk, with the shutter on backwards. (True)

 

  1. The combination “ough” can be pronounced in five different ways. (False – it can be pronounced NINE different ways! The following sentence contains them all: “A rough-coated, dough-faced, thoughtful ploughman strode through the streets of Scarborough; after falling into a slough, he coughed and hiccoughed.”)

 

  1. The only 15 letter word that can be spelled without repeating a letter is uncopyrightable. (True)

 

  1. Emus are the only animal that cannot walk backwards. (False, kangaroos can’t either. In fact, they are on the Australian coat of arms for that reason.)

 

  1. Cats have over one hundred vocal sounds, while dogs only have about ten. (True)

 

  1. The word “Checkmate” in chess means “the king has been captured.” (False, it comes from the Persian phrase “Shah Mat,” which means “the king is dead”.)

 

  1. Pinocchio is Italian for “block head”. (False – it means “pine head.”)

 

  1. If you bring a raccoon’s head to the Henniker, New Hampshire town hall, you are entitled to receive ten cents from the town. (True)

 

 

TABLOID MATCH GAME

You have to match the blank in the tabloid headline with the word or phrase that has been removed!

______ TO SHUTDOWN BY 2020 (NFL)

The NFL announced that due to injury lawsuits and President Obama’s latest initiative, it will shut down in 2020.

President Obama has formed a task force whose goal is to end the National Football League by 2020.  ”The President feels that the NFL has become too violent and feels that it is unsafe for players,” said a source in the White House.  ”The President feels that the game now appeals to Americans baser instincts and wants to encourage sports that are competitive, but non-violent.”

It’s all part of President Obama’s War on Violence. The President hopes to end violence in America by the time he leaves office in 2016.

Though the President has often tossed a football around for fun, he doesn’t care for the game.  He prefers basketball and would like to see basketball become American’s top sport.

“Football players keep getting faster, stronger, bigger and the President feels that it’s only a matter of time before a player dies on the field,” said a source close to the NFL.  ”The President feels that America will get over their obsession with football and embrace other sports… like Women’s Soccer.”

NFL Commissioner, Roger Goodell, said that he will do everything in his power to stop the United States government from abolishing the NFL, but he feels that it may be a losing battle.  ”The government has just ordered us to ban tackling.  They want to turn the NFL into flag-football.”

Football fans are up in arms… but they will have to lobby the President and Congress to stop the inevitable.

 

 

THE WAY TOO EARLY IN THE MORNING TO UNDERSTAND THE PUNCHLINE EVEN AFTER TWO CUPS OF COFFEE JOKE OF THE DAY

JOKE #1

Todd’s wife bought a new line of expensive cosmetics guaranteed to make her look years younger.

After a lengthy sitting before the mirror applying the “miracle” products, she asked Todd, “Darling, honestly, what age would you say I now look?”

Looking over her carefully, Todd replied, “Judging from your skin, twenty; your hair, eighteen; and your figure, twenty five.”

“Oh, you flatterer!” she gushed.

Todd then interrupted her, “Hey, wait a minute now!  I haven’t added them up yet.”

 

JOKE #2

A man who had been in a mental home for some years finally seemed to have improved to the point where it was thought he might be released. The head of the institution, in a fit of commendable caution, decided, however, to interview him first.

“Tell me,” said he, “if we release you, as we are considering doing, what do you intend to do with your life?’

The inmate said, “It would be wonderful to get back to real life and if I do, I will certainly refrain from making my former mistake. I was a nuclear physicist, you know, and it was the stress of my work in weapons research that helped put me here. If I am released, I shall confine myself to work in pure theory, where I trust the situation will be less difficult and stressful.”

“Marvelous,” said the head of the institution.

“Or else,” ruminated the inmate. “I might teach. There is something to be said for spending one’s life in bringing up a new generation of scientists.”

“Absolutely,” said the head.

“Then again, I might write. There is considerable need for books on science for the general public. Or I might even write a novel based on my experiences in this fine institution.”

“An interesting possibility,” said the head.

“And finally, if none of these things appeals to me, I can always continue to be a teakettle.”

 

JOKE #3

As a member of the organization that installs computer systems aboard Navy ships, I am mindful of how important the off-ship e-mail capabilities are to sailor morale, especially when some vessels are deployed for up to six months. One day while shopping at the base commissary, I noticed another crucial aspect of my job.

I was behind a frazzled mother with two active children, and as I watched, she stalked over to where her young son had perched himself on the rail of the freezer case. “If you don’t get off there right now,” she commanded, “I’m going to e-mail your father!”

 

 

USELESS FACTS

On a highway between Lafayette and Kokomo (in Indiana, USA) there is a sign outside of a house that simply reads “Bob’s Dog Obedience School and Taxidermy Shop.”  ***MARLAR: You’ve got to figure that those canines have really high motivation to perform well.

 

Australia’s power company urged people to stop singing in the shower because it keeps them in the shower longer, wasting water and heating power.  ***MARLAR: Not in my house.  I begin singing and Robin is there ten seconds later, pounding on the door and yelling for me to shut up.

 

 

FEATURED FUNNIES

THE BROWN APPLE

A four-year-old boy was eating an apple in the back seat of the car, when he asked, “Daddy, why is my apple turning brown?”
“Because,” his dad explained, “after you ate the skin off, the meat of the apple came into contact with the air, which caused it to oxidise, thus changing the molecular structure and turning it into a different color.”
There was a long silence. Then the son asked softly, “Daddy, are you talking to me?”

 

 

IT MUST BE TRUE BECAUSE I HEARD IT ON THE RADIO!

Still not convinced we need some serious health care reform in America?

…Talk to 76-year-old Barbara Antonelli of New York. Barbara was having a heart attack. She was in the ambulance with breathing tubes attached to her when a receptionist from the Staten Island Physician Practice told her that she had to hand over her $5 co-pay before the ambulance could leave the clinic! Trying desperately to save face, Dr. Jack D’Angelo of the Staten Island Physician Practice described the receptionist’s behavior as “inappropriate”.  ***MARLAR: There are other words that come to mind, but “inappropriate” will suffice.

 

 

INSPIRATIONAL INSPIRATION

THE BRIDGE

Author Unknown

There was once a bridge which spanned a large river. During most of the day the bridge sat with its length running up and down the river paralleled with the banks, allowing ships to pass through freely on both sides of the bridge. But at certain times each day, a train would come along and the bridge would be turned sideways across the river, allowing a train to cross it. A switchman sat in a small shack on one side of the river where he operated the controls to turn the bridge and lock it into place as the train crossed.
One evening as the switchman was waiting for the last train of the day to come, he looked off into the distance through the dimming twilight and caught sight of the train lights. He stepped to the control and waited until the train was within a prescribed distance when he was to turn the bridge. He turned the bridge into position, but, to his horror, he found the locking control did not work.
If the bridge was not securely in position it would wobble back and forth at the ends when the train came onto it, causing the train to jump the track and go crashing into the river. This would be a passenger train with many people aboard.
He left the bridge, turned across the river, and hurried across the bridge to the other side of the river where there was a lever switch he could hold to operate the lock manually.
He would have to hold the lever back firmly as the train crossed. He could hear the rumble of the train now, and he took hold of the lever and leaned backward to apply his weight to it, locking the bridge. He kept applying the pressure to keep the mechanism locked. Many lives depended on this man’s strength.
Then, coming across the bridge from the direction of his control shack, he heard a sound that made his blood run cold. “Daddy, where are you?”
His four-year-old son was crossing the bridge to look for him. His first impulse was to cry out to the child, “Run! Run!” But the train was too close; the tiny legs would never make it across the bridge in time. The man almost left his lever to run and snatch up his son and carry him to safety. But he realized that he could not get back to the lever.
Either the people on the train or his little son must die.
He took a moment to make his decision.
The train sped safely and swiftly on its way, and no one aboard was even aware of the tiny broken body thrown mercilessly into the river by the onrushing train. Nor were they aware of the pitiful figure of the sobbing man, still clinging tightly to the locking lever long after the train had passed.
They did not see him walking home more slowly than he had ever walked: to tell his wife how their son had brutally died.
Now if you comprehend the emotions which went this man’s heart, you can begin to understand the feelings of our Father in Heaven when He sacrificed His Son to bridge the gap between us and eternal life.
Can there be any wonder that He caused the earth to tremble and the skies to darken when His Son died? How does He feel when we speed along through life without giving a thought to what was done for us through Jesus Christ?
When was the last time we thanked Him for the sacrifice of His Son?

 

 

DRIVE TIME DEVOTIONAL

AS STUBBORN AS PRUNES

David McCasland

Do not be like the horse or like the mule, which have no understanding, which must be harnessed with bit and bridle. —Psalm 32:9

At a Colorado ranch where I once worked, we had a mule named Prunes. He was big, strong, and intelligent. He was also the ringleader of a small band of horses that regularly escaped from the corral.

One evening we hid near the barn to see how they got out. Just before dark Prunes approached the gate, flipped up the latch with his nose, and then knocked his head against the lever. The gate swung open and Prunes gave a satisfied snort as he and his friends trotted off to freedom.

Prunes was smart, but he was also stubborn, and only a strong, skilled rider could control him. Perhaps the psalmist had known an animal like that when he wrote: “Do not be like the horse or like the mule, which have no understanding, which must be harnessed with bit and bridle, else they will not come near you” (Psalm 32:9).

The Lord longs to lead His children in a much different way: “I will instruct you and teach you in the way you should go; I will guide you with My eye” (v.8). Just a glance from the Lord is enough to keep an obedient, cooperative Christian on the right trail. It takes a bit and bridle to direct a stubborn mule.

 

Which will it be for us today?

We need God’s guidance from above,
His daily leading and His love;
And as we trust Him for direction,
To our course He’ll give correction. —Fitzhugh

 

To avoid going wrong, follow God’s leading.

 

 

LEFTOVERS

CROCODILE DUNDIDIT

A crocodile causes a biker to go to jail for illegal weapons charges!

No one would expect a Hell’s Angels motorcycle gang member to have a normal pet. You just can’t picture a biker with a pet beagle or a kitten, can you?  No, for a mean motorcycle gang member, you need a mean pet like a crocodile. Too bad for the gang member that his crocodile turned him in for illegal weapons charges. It all began when the Hell’s Angel gang member started to put fresh water in his crocodile’s aquarium. But before turning the tap water off, he fell asleep. The water ran down to his neighbor’s apartment, who then called the police. Once they arrived to the biker’s apartment, not only did they find water everywhere along with a huge reptile, but also an illegal arms cache inside. The biker now faces up to a year in prison, without his pet crocodile.

 

 

LIFE… LIVE IT

VALENTINE’S DAY POLL (Redbook)

What’s the ultimate gift you can receive for Valentine’s Day?

a massage… 20 %

a new washer/dryer… 1 %

jewelry… 18 %

flowers… 11 %

a love poem/love letter… 33 %

 

Your choice of traditional gift is:

Chocolate… 13 %

Lingerie… 31 %

Flowers… 56 %

 

If your husband is in charge of Valentine’s dinner, you want him to make:

a call to the Chinese takeout… 19 %

an intimate home-cooked dinner for two… 43 %

reservations at a romantic restaurant… 38 %

 

 

JUST FOR FUN

HELLO NEWMAN

When you think of the number one thing that would bother a mailman, do you think of a vicious dog?

An English mail man is now refusing to deliver mail to one location on his route, but it’s not because of a ferocious animal that barks when he approaches, it’s because he’s being taunted. So, he has stopped delivering the post to a wholesale meat company because the workers taunted him about being bald. The manager of the Meat Company says that it’s all in good fun, and the letter carrier just failed to see the humor in the situation and that no harm was meant. The plant finally got its mail later in the day by a substitute postman. ***MARLAR: So would you call that “mail-patterned baldness”?

 

 

FUN LIST

TOP 5 WAYS YOU KNOW FOOTBALL SEASON IS FINALLY OVER!

  • Your husband starts thinking about taking down the Christmas lights
  • That big lump on your couch is gone
  • Your husband starts learning the names of the kids all over again
  • Your husband discovers new qualities of the family he never noticed before… like, “Hey, when did our daughter get married?”
  • Your husband just found out you had a baby last month!

 

 

MORE SHOW PREP STUFF…

Hang out with your friends as often as you can – apparently it helps to keep you from becoming disabled!

Do you lunch regularly with friends? Meet weekly to play cards or bowl?  Then chances are you are not going to become physically disabled any time soon. Research at the Rush University Medical Center has found a connection between higher levels of social activity — dining out, playing bingo, volunteering — with a lower risk of becoming disabled. ***MARLAR: Although I’m not so sure “playing Bingo” can be called a social life.

 

 

OTHER STUFF I WANT TO CRAM INTO TODAY’S PREP

If you know someone who has a child with autism, this might be something to look into.  Duke University, with sponsorship by the U.S. Navy’s Office of Naval Research, is developing a smartphone app to learn more about childhood autism and even screen for signs of post-traumatic stress disorder and mild traumatic brain injury. The app, called “Autism & Beyond,” is currently “available for free download from the Apple App Store to families wishing to participate in a six-month medical research study by Duke University.”  Using the smartphone’s user-facing “selfie” camera, the app records a child’s facial expressions in response to a series of questionnaires and videos. The app’s core algorithm maps key points on the child’s face to assess emotional responses.  If you want to find out more about this autism app, you can read up on it here:

http://www.worldmag.com/2016/01/candid_camera

 

How can you share your faith more effectively? A New Beginning’s Greg Laurie is out with a video about sharing your faith. Check out the roundtable discussion on lives changed by the gospel…

http://www.harvest.org/tv/watch/changed-lives-707.html?autoplay=1

 

Want to give your loved ones a good laugh for Valentines Day this year. Check out a printable Valentines day card filled with jokes and tongue twisters from iMom. Click on the link: http://ow.ly/i/8ucsI

 

FamilyLife is celebrating its 40th anniversary in 2016 and, in response, they want to help you remember your anniversary. The family organization shared this week: We’re excited to support you this year as you seek to make your anniversary extra special. Sign up at the Family Life web site and the organization will send you reminders leading up to your anniversary with ideas for celebrating.

http://bit.ly/1OXDowp

 

20 ideas you can use to help your children love and study the Bible shared by Revive Our Hearts:

(1) Help children write out favorite verses in a handmade book

(2) Consider allowing children to stay up later than normal if they are reading or listening to their Bible in their rooms.

(3) Download an audio Bible

(4) Teach them that a child doesn’t have to be a good reader to love and obey the Bible!

(5) Show children how to search for verses on a topic online

(6) If children use an electronic Bible, help them use it more effectively.

(7) Help children make a chain of verses in their Bibles by writing another reference on the same topic in the margin.

(8) Encourage your children to memorize the books of the Bible.

(9) Teach them to use the maps in their Bibles.

(10) Help children identify Bible synonyms for everyday concepts.

(11) Help children identify Bible opposites as they study.

(12) Talk about the process of actively reading

(13) Share three or four possible responses and ask them to pick one to pray about, or apply in some specific way.

(14) Help young children find and highlight verses they have memorized

(15) Teach them verses that correspond to their interests.

(16) Teach them verses that can help them in their specific circumstance.

(17) Love and study God’s Word yourself.

(18) Remembering the work of the Holy Spirit

(19) Consider purchasing for your children the translation your church uses.

(20) Compile Scripture verses on topics your kids are interested in.

http://buff.ly/1nFOCcL

 

 

AND I LEAVE YOU WITH THIS THOUGHT

It’s important to maintain your sense of fun, don’t let the cold get on your nerves. With this in mind — I have sent (OTHER JOCK) to the intersection of (MAIN & STATE) with a Chapstick. As you drive by — roll down your window — and stick out your lips.

 

 

THE TICKET Movie Reviews with MARIE ASNER

Marie Asner has been reviewing films for over 30 years. Her outlets include radio, print and Internet.  For more in-depth movie reviews of the following films, visit www.Tollbooth.org.  Ratings from 1 (Low) to 5 (High).

 

FEBRUARY 05, 2016…

 

The Choice—This is a romance/drama about the choices one makes in life. Especially love at first sight. The cast includes Tom Welling (“Superman” TV series), Benjamin Walker (“In The Heart Of The Sea”), Teresa Palmer and Maggie Grace. “The Choice” is rated PG 13. No rating.

 

Hail! Caesar—A comedy with a back of the hand to Hollywood.  A superstar is kidnapped and the production can’t go on without him, but, then, who might care?? The stars in this film play their roles broadly and they include George Clooney, Josh Brolin, Jonah Hill and Scarlett Johannson. Directed by none other than the Coen Brothers. “Hail! Caesar” is rated PG 13. Rating of 3 for fans.

 

Pride and Prejudice and Zombies—Author Jane Austen’s books are in the public domain, who would have thought? Anyway, we now get “Pride and Prejudice and Zombies” starring Lily James from “Downton Abbey” playing Elizabeth. Corsets and martial arts are the theme here, as Lily and her sisters Bella Heathcote and Suki Waterhouse (Kitty) go after the bad guys. Also in the cast is Sam Riley (Mr. Darcy) and Charles Dance. “Pride and Prejudice and Zombies” is rated R. No rating.

 

Regression—This is a psychological study as a father is accused of abusing his daughter and can’t remember doing anything. The cast includes Ethan Hawke, David Dencik, Emma Watson and David Thewlis. “Regression” is rated R. No rating.

 

FEBRUARY 12, 2016…

 

Where To Invade is a documentary, rather tongue in cheek, by Michael Moore about traveling the world for information to help America.

 

Deadpool comes from the comics and has Ryan Reynolds in the title role.

 

How To Be Single is about women trying to get along without men in their lives. A comedy to be sure and starring Rebel Wilson and Dakota Johnson.

 

Zoolander 2 with Ben Stiller and Owen Wilson from the cult-classic comedy and reprising their roles as Derek and Hansel.

 

The Bad Hurt concerns a family trying to stay together through hurts and secrets. Stars Ashley Williams and Karen Allen.

 

 

# # # # #

 

 

 

WARNING:    Don’t believe anything you read on the Internet or email (including stuff you read here) unless you can confirm it with another source, and/or it is consistent with what you already know to be true. The opinions in this publication are not necessarily those of Darren Marlar, Marlar House Entertainment, OnAirPrep.com, or any company or organization affiliated with aforementioned.  (Regardless of how stupid you may think those opinions are.  So there – nyah!)

Darren Marlar credits all non-original material to the author whenever possible. All other material is original, used with permission, or author unknown. We welcome all comments, questions, and suggestions.  Darren can be reached via his website at www.DarrenMarlar.com.