February 07, 2017: Tuesday ONAIRprep

PRINT VERSION OF TODAY’S PREP: 20170207

***DAILY DOSE OF WEIRD NEWS! (As an ONAIRprep subscriber, you can gain access to all of the work parts for the Daily Dose of Weird News, allowing you to edit for length and content – and also receive a custom tag specifically for your station or show which you can have updated at any time… ABSOLUTELY FREE! It’s part of your subscription now! Email me to get FTP access and your free customized tag!)

WELCOME TO THE SHOW!

Melting snow… lots of slush.  That’s what we got today.  It only took a few seconds for my car’s windshield to become opaque.  I hit the washer button. Dribble, dribble, nothing.  Isn’t that always the case?  You always run of washer fluid just when you need it, just like shoelaces always snap when you need to wear shoes. I now have to buy a gallon of washer fluid, and the tank only holds 3/4 of a gallon. I mean come on! It’s like hot dogs coming 10 to a pack, and the buns coming in groups of eight!  Can we not get just a little cooperation between the automakers and the people that make stuff that go in the auto?

BIBLE VERSE OF THE DAY

The heavens declare the glory of God; the skies proclaim the work of his hands. Day after day they pour forth speech; night after night they display knowledge. — Psalm 19:1-2

The word of the Lord is right and true; he is faithful in all he does. The Lord loves righteousness and justice; the earth is full of his unfailing love. — Psalm 33:4-5

HEARTLIGHT DAILY VERSE, PRAYER & THOUGHT

(From VerseOfTheDay.com.)

Seek good, not evil, that you may live. Then the LORD God Almighty will be with you, just as you say he is. — Amos 5:14

Thought: Isn’t it amazing how many people claim God is on their side. God has been “claimed” by those seeking to enforce slavery, practice prejudice, lie, bribe officials, practice hypocrisy, force injustice on the powerless, and practice “ethnic cleansing.” But God makes the test pretty simple: do what is good, seek after the good, or you’re not related to me! In the words of the prophet Amos, that meant equity for all peoples in court, in the marketplace, and in the place of worship. If we’re claiming God is on our side, then we’d better draw close to the side of God, the side of good, justice, and mercy as God defines them!

Prayer: Precious and Almighty God, full of mercy and lover of justice and fairness, I praise you for your concern for those who are often forgotten. By the presence of your Holy Spirit within me, convict me when I side with evil and oppression and stir me to work for the salvation of others, of my culture, and of my world — not just eternal salvation, but salvation from evil and hatred that are so prevalent. May your Kingdom dawn more brightly in our world as it does in your heart and will for us. In Jesus’ name. Amen.

The Thoughts and Prayers for Today’s Verse are written by Phil Ware. You can email questions or comments to phil@heartlight.org.

BIRTHDAY VERSE” OF THE DAY (The chapter and verse correspond to the month and day!)

Proverbs 2:7 NIV = He holds victory in store for the upright, he is a shield to those whose walk is blameless…

TODAY IS TUESDAY – FEBRUARY 07, 2017

(NOTE: Some holidays may be duplicated due to various calendars reporting conflicting dates)
WEIRD, WACKY, STRANGE, ZANY, ODD, BIZARRE, QUIRKY, UNUSUAL HOLIDAYS!
THERE ARE ONLY
320 SHOPPING DAYS UNTIL CHRISTMAS.

Today is NO MEMO DAY.  ***Be sure to send a note to everyone telling them about it.

Today is WAVE ALL YOUR FINGERS AT YOUR NEIGHBORS DAY.  ***And mean it.

This is NATIONAL SCHOOL COUNSELING WEEK.  ***And in today’s world, who doesn’t need a little counseling – especially in the schools!

This is LOVE MAY MAKE THE WORLD GO ‘ROUND, BUT LAUGHTER KEEPS US FROM GETTING DIZZY WEEK.

Today is SEND A CARD TO A FRIEND DAY.  ***So, for some laughter, send your friend a “Get Well” card even if they’re not sick. Or maybe have everyone at the office sign a card for a co-worker that says, “You’ll be missed.” For your neighbor, send something like, “My tire was thumping, I thought it was flat. When I looked at the tire, I found your cat. (Sorry!)”

TODAY IS ALSO…
African American Coaches Day
Ballet Day
Dry Bean Day Link
Black HIV/AIDS Awareness Day Link
“e” Day (math) Link
Laura Ingalls Wilder Day
Man Day
National Periodic Table Day Link
Wave All Your Fingers At Your Neighbor’s Day

COMING UP NEXT (Just a list, we are not endorsing the holidays posted below.)

WEDNESDAY, FEBRUARY 08

Boy Scout Anniversary Day Link
Laugh and Get Rich Day
Opera Day

THURSDAY, FEBRUARY 09

National Bagel Day Link
National Pizza Day Link
Read in the Bathtub Day
Toothache Day Link

FRIDAY, FEBRUARY 10

Plimsoll Day
All The News That’s Fit To Print Day

SATURDAY, FEBRUARY 11

Be Electrific Day
Don’t Cry Over Spilled Milk Day Link
Get Out Your Guitar Day
Pro Sports Wives Day
National Shut-in Visitation Day
Satisfied Staying Single Day
Stress Awareness Day Link
White Shirt Day or White T-shirt Day Link
World Day of The Sick Link

SUNDAY, FEBRUARY 12

Autism Sunday Link
Darwin Day
Lincoln’s Birthday
NAACP Day
Oglethorpe Day
Paul Bunyan Day
Safety Pup Day
World Marriage Day Link

MONDAY, FEBRUARY 13

Clean Out Your Computer Day Link
Desperation Day Link
Employee Legal Awareness Day
Galentine’s Day Link
Get a Different Name Day
International Condom Day Link
Madly In Love With Me Day
National Wingman’s Day
World Radio Day Link

TUESDAY, FEBRUARY 14

Extraterrestrial Culture Day
Extraterrestrial Visitor Day
Ferris Wheel Day
International Book Giving Day Link
Frederick Douglass Day Link
Pet Theft Awareness Day  Link
Library Lovers Day
National Have A Heart Day
National Donor Day
(World) Congenital Heart Defect Awareness Day Link
League of Women Voters Day
National Women’s Heart Day Link
Race Relations Day
Safer Internet Day  Link
Singles Awareness Day or Singles Appreciation Day Link
National Donor Day
Quirky Alone Day Link
Valentines Day

ON THIS DAY

1940: Walt Disney’s cartoon movie “Pinocchio” premiered at the Center Theatre in New York City. (audio clip)

1944: Bing Crosby and the John Scott Trotter Orchestra recorded “Swinging on a Star” for Decca Records in Los Angeles.

1954: At Chess Records’ Chicago studios, Muddy Waters recorded “I’m Your Hootchie-Coochie Man.”

1959: Over a thousand mourners attended 22-year-old Buddy Holly’s funeral at the Tabernacle Baptist Church in Lubbock, Texas. Holly’s pregnant wife Maria Elena, who miscarried shortly after her husband’s death, did not attend.

1964: Pan Am Flight 101 arrived in New York City bringing the Beatles for their first American tour. Some 10,000 fans were waiting at Kennedy airport. Baskin-Robbins introduced a new ice cream flavor called Beatle-Nut.

1965: Beatle George Harrison had his tonsils removed.

1971: Women in Switzerland finally won the right to vote.

1975: The R. Rodden family’s Saint Bernard set a world record in Lebanon, Missouri, by giving birth to 23 puppies. Only 14 survived.

1979: Burglars blew a safe in Bielefeld, Germany, and the whole building collapsed around them. It seems the safe was filled with dynamite. (audio clip)

1985: Sports Illustrated published the largest edition in the magazine’s history at 218 pages — its annual swimsuit edition.

1986: History’s most productive duck died in Princes Risborough, Great Britain. The Aylesbury duck laid 457 eggs in 463 days, including 375 days in a row.

1994: Retired Chicago Bull star Michael Jordan signed a baseball contract with the Chicago White Sox.

1994: On a visit to New Zealand, Prince Charles was sprayed with air freshener by a kooky Kiwi who said he “wanted to remove the stink of royalty.”

2001: Doctors said a man in Kirov, Russia, survived an eight-story fall off a balcony because he was so drunk. Snow also softened the blow, but the man still broke five ribs and doctors said the fact he was so relaxed probably saved his life.

2002: While leaning through a car window trying to steal a radio in the Israeli town of Beersheba, a thief accidentally pressed a button and closed the vehicle’s electronic windows, trapping himself. The owner heard the thief yelling for help and called police. The owner rescued the 34-year-old thief just as police arrived.

2003: The longest-living recipient of a self-contained artificial heart, 71-year-old Tom Christerson, died at Jewish Hospital in Louisville, Kentucky, after living 512 days with the AbioCor heart.

TODAY IN CHRISTIAN HISTORY

1478: Thomas More, lord chancellor of England during the English Reformation, is born. Though he idealized freedom of religion in Utopia (1516), he supported the punishment of heretics and Protestants like Martin Luther and William Tyndale. He retired from office rather than acknowledge Henry VIII’s divorce and was beheaded for refusing to acknowledge Henry as head of the church.

1497: Savonarola burns art works in Florence, declaring them indecent. Painters had been using well-known, unsaintly individuals as models for the virgin Mary and other saints, and dressing them in finery that the saints never wore.

1817: Abolitionist Frederick Douglass is born into slavery in Talbot County, Maryland. After escaping to freedom, he became the most prominent of the black abolitionists and eventually became the first black to hold high political office, as consul-general to the Republic of Haiti.

1938: After years of being closely watched by Nazi secret police, Lutheran pastor Martin Niemoller is put on trial. He was subsequently confined in a concentration camp, but he survived and went on to hold a leadership role in the World Council of Churches from 1948-1968.

1945: Deitrich Bonhoeffer was transferred to the terrible Buchenwald Concentration Camp where many thousands of prisoners died, some under cruel medical experiments. Three months later Bonhoeffer corpse was added to the list of dead. He was hanged days before the allies freed the camp.

HOLLYWOOD, SPORTS AND CELEBRITY FIGURE BIRTHDAYS

  • Actor (Tommy on “3rd Rock From The Sun”, Inception, The Dark Knight Rises) Joseph Gordon-Levitt, 36 (audio file)

  • Actor (“That ’70s Show,” “Punk’d,”, “Two And A Half Men”, The Butterfly Effect) Ashton Kutcher, 39 (audio file)

  • Actor/comedian Chris Rock, 51

  • Actor (“Boston Legal,” Stargate, “The Blacklist”, Avengers: Age of Ultron) James Spader, 57

BEE-BOP BIRTHDAYS

(Music Artist Birthdays From SongFacts.com)

1883 : Eubie Blake

1920 : Oscar Brand

1934 : King Curtis

1934 : Earl King

1946 : Sammy Johns

1948 : Jimmy Greenspoon (Three Dog Night)

1949 : Alan Lancaster (Status Quo)

1959 : Brian Travers (UB40)

1960 : Steve Bronski (The Bronski Beat)

1962 : Garth Brooks (born Troyal Garth Brooks)

1962 : David Bryan (Bon Jovi)

SECRETS OF THE UNIVERSE

Do you think ketchup flavored ice cream would sell?

Ice cream makers Baskin Robbins tried to make Ketchup Ice Cream. They refer to it as “the only vegetable flavored ice cream” they ever made. After making several gallons of the stuff, they soon realized it would not sell. ***Immediately after realizing their failure, they had to do a little “Ketchup” (catch up) on their own to get customers back!

CHRISTIAN ARTIST NEWS

This is just a tiny sample of the 5-6 pages of material you could be receiving three days a week from ChristianRadioShowPrepServices.com!

A milestone for Unspoken front man Chad Mattson. He posted: Yesterday I celebrated 14 years of Sobriety! Jesus has changed my life and I want to do everything I can to tell others about Him. That’s why Mike and I started Unspoken. All the praise and glory goes to Jesus, the risen Christ and King! 
 https://www.instagram.com/p/BQJXXnYAjmL/

 

A near disaster for Casting Crowns Megan Garrett. She posted: This morning while leading worship, I closed my eyes, lost my bearings, backed into the communion table and almost knocked everything over.

Jamie Grace celebrated her 25th birthday over the weekend with a special gift. She posted: HUGE thanks to my friends Boots & More Boots for my 25th pair of cowboys boots in honor of my 25th year of life. Jamie added that she still has all 25 pair in her closet.  
https://www.instagram.com/p/BQCO_kKFhP1/

 

Jimmy Needham is in India this week but it isn’t for a concert. He posted on Saturday: After 4 years of waiting, tomorrow is the day: The day we fly to India to pick up our son Ben. Our hearts are full. Pray for us! Updates soon.  You can follow Jimmy on instagram @jimmyneedham for pics and video diary of their trip to get their son!

 

Focus on the Family is again giving away free Valentine’s cards to help your children show God’s love to their friends. Access the free cards at http://bit.ly/20Y5OIM

 

Building 429 guitarist is experiencing climate change first hand. He posted from the bands latest tour stop and reported: some serious global cooling in Colorado.

 

A special weekend for Brandon Heath. He’s currently in the Holy Land and posted: Got to sing “It’s Alright” on the Sea of Galilee today.

 

A scare for Matt Hammitt over the weekend. The former Sanctus Real front man shared a post from his wife: Bottom line is Bowen has a nasty virus and it was just too much for his little half of a heart to handle this time. He has been admitted and will stay for a day or two, we hope. It was honestly the one of the scariest moments of our life and I pray we can figure out exactly what happened and how to prevent it in the future the next time he gets a high fever. I’m overwhelmed by the encouragement and prayers of so many today.
 https://www.facebook.com/MattHammitt/posts/1231353953608070:0

 

The Afters were the big winners in Sunday night’s Super Bowl. Their songs “Shadows” and “Time of My Life” were both featured on the Fox Pre-Game Show.

NEWS KICKERS

(No news on the weekends. Want a customized audio version, FREE? Email me for more information! )

NEW NEWS KICKERS…

Police in Atlantic City say two local residents stuffed toll baskets on the Atlantic City Expressway with material designed to keep coins from going in, then came back later to steal the money that accumulated. Problem was, they kind of forgot about the security cameras that filmed their every move! So, police arrested 54-year-old Angela Freeman-Poles and 57-year-old Aljah Reaves and charged them with theft for tampering with the tolls and stealing the money. ***Gee, I hope they collected enough for a good lawyer.

Want a brain that’s in shape?  Then make sure you have shapely legs!  Lace up your running shoes and hit the pavement or the treadmill. But you don’t have to run. Walk — but at a forceful pace as fast as you can go. Do that when you’re young, and it could reap huge benefits as you age, keeping your brain strong. That’s right, strong legs equal a strong brain, according to researchers in Great Britain. The study found leg strength was a far better predictor of brain health than any other lifestyle factor examined in the study. Generally, the twin who had greater leg strength at the start of the study maintained her mental abilities better and had fewer age-related brain changes than the twin with weaker legs. while the research didn’t prove a cause-and-effect relationship, it appears that simply walking more now to improve leg force and speed could help maintain brain function as you age.

Hillary Clinton will be the 2017 commencement speaker at Wellesley College.  ***”Hello graduates… I’m here to inspire you. I went to tell you how I, Hillary Rodham Clinton ran for President of the United States… twice… and lost both times!”

In Brazil, the ‘world’s oldest fiancée got engaged at the age of 106 to her 66-year-old boyfriend after they fell in love at first sight at a Brazilian retirement home.  ***A 106-year-old cougar!  She’s forty years older than her groom!  Do these winter-winter romances ever last?

Sarah Silverman is calling for the military to overthrow Donald Trump. ***Because, as we all know, if the military respects the opinions of anyone, it’s not-quite-famous unfunny comedians.

A survey released by Public Policy Polling the finds that 40% of voters want to impeach President Trump. That number is up from 35% last week.  ***Dear America… you can’t impeach a president for being a loudmouth.

NEWS KICKER EVERGREENS…

A food pyramid just for the under-2 set? Contrary to popular belief, children don’t usually outgrow their baby fat – and a recent report urges steps to help prevent babies, toddlers and preschoolers from getting too pudgy too soon.  That’s a growing problem: Already, one in five preschoolers – 2- to 5-year-olds – is overweight or obese.  Topping the list of proposed changes: better guidelines to help parents and caregivers know just how much toddlers should eat as they move from baby food to bigger-kid fare. And making sure preschoolers get at least 15 minutes of physical activity for every hour they spend in child care.  ***15 minutes of physical activity for every hour they spend in child care.  Can we move that up to the adult life too?  How about if we work an eight hour day, we get two hours of recess?

A survey reveals that more than a third of us assault our computers, in one way or another, because the machines frustrate us.  ***I think it begins when we disrespect our computer by calling it “Mac” (Mack).

Food allergies affect about one in 13 U.S. children, double the latest government estimate, a new study suggests.  The researchers say about 40 percent of them have severe reactions – a finding they hope will erase misconceptions that food allergies are just like hay fever and other seasonal allergies that are troublesome but not dangerous.  Overall, 8 percent of the children studied had food allergies; peanuts and milk were the most common sources. That translates to nearly 6 million U.S. children.  ***However, some experts speculate that it may not actually be allergies, but just that these kids’ moms have no business being in the kitchen.

How much money do you have to have before you are actually “wealthy”? According to a survey of rich folk, when you have $5 million in the bank you can life with “no constraints.” ***Sounds good, but remember, over $250,000/year means that you’re in the “Top 1%” and some politicians and liberal pansies will routinely call you evil.

A study shows 30% of mothers in this country can’t afford to buy diapers. Researchers at Yale University surveyed pregnant and parenting women and nearly a third said they were in “diaper need.”  ***Missing from this story – the solution to this dilemma.  What are mothers using instead of diapers?  The story doesn’t say.  Do you just follow the baby with a bucket and hope to be there in time?

AS THE JUNGLE TURNS

CLICK HERE TO DOWNLOAD TUESDAY’S EPISODE

OPEN: And now, FancyMonkey.com, (Show Name), and (Station Call Letters) bring you another inspiringly inspiring inspirational inspiration in the never-ending deep jungle soap-opera saga that is As the Jungle Turns!

CLOSE: That’s some work ethic Racquet has there… set up the work environment, then quit for the day? How can I get that job? We’ll see if Racquet truly is an artist next time, as FancyMonkey.com, (Show Name), and (Station Call Letters) bring you another exciting episode of As the Jungle Turns!

***You may simulcast “As the Jungle Turns” on the Internet stream of your live broadcast only. Any other Internet use of “As the Jungle Turns” in whole or part including podcasting of your live broadcast is a violation of copyright law. Thank you for your cooperation on this vitally important issue. If you have any questions, please e-mail us and ask about “Jungle Jam & Friends the Radio Show” usage.

MOMENT OF DUH

It doesn’t always work: blaming someone else. 

In Birmingham, Alabama, shoe repairman Ronald Blankenship just finished second in the Democratic primary for sheriff and was placed in a run-off. However, the Birmingham News then discovered and published details of Ronald’s apparently shady past. Reportedly he once faked his death in connection with an insurance policy and was arrested for assault and passing bad checks. So what did Ronald have to say in his defense? A week later he said it must be another Ronald Blankenship– even though “both” men have the same middle name and birth date and coincidentally are married to women with the same first, middle and maiden names.

TOP TEN

THE TEN BEST THINGS TO SAY IF YOU GET CAUGHT SLEEPING AT YOUR DESK:

  • “They told me at the blood bank this might happen.”

  • “This is just a 15 minute power-nap like they raved about in that time management course you sent me to.”

  • “Whew! Guess I left the top off the White-Out. You probably got here just in time!”

  • “I wasn’t sleeping! I was meditating on the mission statement and envisioning a new paradigm.”

  • “I was testing my keyboard for drool resistance.”

  • “I was doing a highly specific Yoga exercise to relieve work-related stress. Are you discriminatory toward people who practice Yoga?”

  • “Why did you interrupt me? I had almost figured out a solution to our biggest problem.”

  • “The pop machine is broken…”

  • “Someone must’ve put decaf in the wrong pot…”

  • “In Jesus’ name. Amen.”

THE FILES OF LAW & DISORDER

Scandal has dogged the mayor of Alice, Texas.

FILE #1: A few years ago, in Alice, Texas mayor Grace Saenz-Lopez resigned over a dog-napping scandal. That’s right – dog-napping! It seems the mayor had agreed to take care of her neighbor’s dog, Puddles, while they went on vacation. However, the day after they left, the mayor called the dog’s family to tell them the dog had died. The dog really hadn’t died though – and three months later the Shih-Tzu was spotted by the owners at a dog grooming salon. Puddles’ owners went to court to get the dog back, the mayor said it couldn’t be the same dog because she had reported the dog missing, but a TV crew found the dog at a very conspicuous location – the home of Grace’s twin sister, who said a mysterious lady had discovered the dog and dropped it off. The former mayor faced two counts of tampering with physical evidence, while her sister was indicted for concealing evidence.

FILE #2: 33-year-old Brian Valery, of New York, was just given five years of probation after a judge declared him guilty of posing as a lawyer for two years! Despite having no law degree, Brian worked for Anderson Kill & Olick as a paralegal, and then was promoted to staff attorney after claiming he passed the bar exam. He also claimed that he was a graduate from the Fordham University Law School. Reportedly Valery’s original sentence was for 15 years in prison for grand larceny. However, Supreme Court Justice Gregory Carro decided to cut it to probation as Valery returned $150,000 of the money he earned as an employee at the law firm. Ironically, he had an incredible work ethic– worked about 70 hours a week and won about 50 court cases!

FILE #3: 44-year-old Teresa Walker of Cincinnati is probably not the police department’s favorite citizen. While waiting for a ticket to be written during a minor traffic stop, Teresa actually called the police department on her cell phone to complain that the officer giving her the ticket was writing too slowly. She later denied the officer’s charge that she had threatened to “shoot” him if he didn’t speed it up, saying she only threatened to “sue” him — not shoot him!

STRANGE LAW: It is unlawful to lend your vacuum cleaner to your next-door neighbor in Denver, CO.

THIS IS YOUR BRAIN ON DRUGS

First the client got busted for drunken driving – then the lawyer. 

Police in Madison, Wisconsin arrested attorney Rick Petri after he went to pick up a client who had been charged with drunken driving.  Petri says he had some drinks earlier in the evening and thought he had slept it off. Petri once prosecuted drunken drivers and says he should have known better.  Petri says he was wrong and he is humbled by the experience.  Both Petri and his client were cited for first offenses.  ***MARLAR: Sounds like someone needs to learn how to pass the bar again.

PHONER PHUN

What’s the first web site you visit each day?

If it meant an 80% discount on auto insurance, would you consider buying a self driving car? Of course you would! Nine out of 10 in a new survey say absolutely. 20% of us are so excited about the concept of a self-driving car that we’d buy one even if no discount were offered. What’s the top thing you would do if a computer took over the wheel? Text, of course. 26% say texting or talking with friends. 21% said read and 10% said sleep.

BIBLE BRAIN BUSTER!

QUESTION: How many of Israel’s elders went up Mt. Sinai with Moses?

ANSWER: 70 (Exodus 24:9)

QUESTION: What servant of a prophet had his skin turned white as snow?
ANSWER: Gehazi, Elisha’s servant (2 Kings 5:27)

QUESTION IMPOSSIBLE

QUESTION: Airport security screeners in the U.S. confiscate approximately 37,000 of these each day. What are they?

ANSWER: Lighters

TRUE OR FALSE

Pay attention! If our next player doesn’t answer all ten T/F questions correctly we start all over from question #1! First person to answer question #10 correctly is our winner!

1. Just one mourner walked with Mozart’s coffin before it was buried in a pauper’s grave. (True)

2. The San Francisco Cable cars are the only mobile National Monuments. (True)

3. The “save” icon on Microsoft Word shows a floppy disk, with the shutter on backwards. (True)

4. The combination “ough” can be pronounced in five different ways. (False – it can be pronounced NINE different ways! The following sentence contains them all: “A rough-coated, dough-faced, thoughtful ploughman strode through the streets of Scarborough; after falling into a slough, he coughed and hiccoughed.”)

5. The only 15 letter word that can be spelled without repeating a letter is uncopyrightable. (True)

6. Emus are the only animal that cannot walk backwards. (False, kangaroos can’t either. In fact, they are on the Australian coat of arms for that reason.)

7. Cats have over one hundred vocal sounds, while dogs only have about ten. (True)

8. The word “Checkmate” in chess means “the king has been captured.” (False, it comes from the Persian phrase “Shah Mat,” which means “the king is dead”.)

9. Pinocchio is Italian for “block head”. (False – it means “pine head.”)

10. If you bring a raccoon’s head to the Henniker, New Hampshire town hall, you are entitled to receive ten cents from the town. (True)

TABLOID MATCH GAME

You have to match the blank in the tabloid headline with the word or phrase that has been removed!

“Tree Falls and Kills Member of _______ While Taking Pictures!”
 (WEDDING PARTY)

In Penn Park, California, a 100-foot-tall eucalyptus tree suddenly uprooted and fell over, trapping some of the party underneath. One woman was killed and five others, including 4-year-old girl, were injured.

THE WAY TOO EARLY IN THE MORNING TO UNDERSTAND THE PUNCHLINE EVEN AFTER TWO CUPS OF COFFEE JOKE OF THE DAY 

JOKE #1

Todd’s wife bought a new line of expensive cosmetics guaranteed to make her look years younger.

After a lengthy sitting before the mirror applying the “miracle” products, she asked Todd, “Darling, honestly, what age would you say I now look?”

Looking over her carefully, Todd replied, “Judging from your skin, twenty; your hair, eighteen; and your figure, twenty five.”

“Oh, you flatterer!” she gushed.

Todd then interrupted her, “Hey, wait a minute now!  I haven’t added them up yet.”

JOKE #2

A man who had been in a mental home for some years finally seemed to have improved to the point where it was thought he might be released. The head of the institution, in a fit of commendable caution, decided, however, to interview him first.

“Tell me,” said he, “if we release you, as we are considering doing, what do you intend to do with your life?’

The inmate said, “It would be wonderful to get back to real life and if I do, I will certainly refrain from making my former mistake. I was a nuclear physicist, you know, and it was the stress of my work in weapons research that helped put me here. If I am released, I shall confine myself to work in pure theory, where I trust the situation will be less difficult and stressful.”

“Marvelous,” said the head of the institution.

“Or else,” ruminated the inmate. “I might teach. There is something to be said for spending one’s life in bringing up a new generation of scientists.”

“Absolutely,” said the head.

“Then again, I might write. There is considerable need for books on science for the general public. Or I might even write a novel based on my experiences in this fine institution.”

“An interesting possibility,” said the head.

“And finally, if none of these things appeals to me, I can always continue to be a teakettle.”

JOKE #3

As a member of the organization that installs computer systems aboard Navy ships, I am mindful of how important the off-ship e-mail capabilities are to sailor morale, especially when some vessels are deployed for up to six months. One day while shopping at the base commissary, I noticed another crucial aspect of my job. 



I was behind a frazzled mother with two active children, and as I watched, she stalked over to where her young son had perched himself on the rail of the freezer case. “If you don’t get off there right now,” she commanded, “I’m going to e-mail your father!”

USELESS FACTS

On a highway between Lafayette and Kokomo (in Indiana, USA) there is a sign outside of a house that simply reads “Bob’s Dog Obedience School and Taxidermy Shop.” ***You’ve got to figure that those canines have really high motivation to perform well.

Australia’s power company urged people to stop singing in the shower because it keeps them in the shower longer, wasting water and heating power.  ***Not in my house.  I begin singing and Robin is there ten seconds later, pounding on the door and yelling for me to shut up.

FEATURED FUNNIES

THE BROWN APPLE

A four-year-old boy was eating an apple in the back seat of the car, when he asked, “Daddy, why is my apple turning brown?”
“Because,” his dad explained, “after you ate the skin off, the meat of the apple came into contact with the air, which caused it to oxidise, thus changing the molecular structure and turning it into a different color.”
There was a long silence. Then the son asked softly, “Daddy, are you talking to me?”

IT MUST BE TRUE BECAUSE I HEARD IT ON THE RADIO!

Still not convinced we need some serious health care reform in America?

…Talk to 76-year-old Barbara Antonelli of New York. Barbara was having a heart attack. She was in the ambulance with breathing tubes attached to her when a receptionist from the Staten Island Physician Practice told her that she had to hand over her $5 co-pay before the ambulance could leave the clinic! Trying desperately to save face, Dr. Jack D’Angelo of the Staten Island Physician Practice described the receptionist’s behavior as “inappropriate”. ***There are other words that come to mind, but “inappropriate” will suffice.

INSPIRATIONAL INSPIRATION

THE BRIDGE

Author Unknown

There was once a bridge which spanned a large river. During most of the day the bridge sat with its length running up and down the river paralleled with the banks, allowing ships to pass through freely on both sides of the bridge. But at certain times each day, a train would come along and the bridge would be turned sideways across the river, allowing a train to cross it. A switchman sat in a small shack on one side of the river where he operated the controls to turn the bridge and lock it into place as the train crossed.
One evening as the switchman was waiting for the last train of the day to come, he looked off into the distance through the dimming twilight and caught sight of the train lights. He stepped to the control and waited until the train was within a prescribed distance when he was to turn the bridge. He turned the bridge into position, but, to his horror, he found the locking control did not work.
If the bridge was not securely in position it would wobble back and forth at the ends when the train came onto it, causing the train to jump the track and go crashing into the river. This would be a passenger train with many people aboard.
He left the bridge, turned across the river, and hurried across the bridge to the other side of the river where there was a lever switch he could hold to operate the lock manually.
He would have to hold the lever back firmly as the train crossed. He could hear the rumble of the train now, and he took hold of the lever and leaned backward to apply his weight to it, locking the bridge. He kept applying the pressure to keep the mechanism locked. Many lives depended on this man’s strength.
Then, coming across the bridge from the direction of his control shack, he heard a sound that made his blood run cold. “Daddy, where are you?”
His four-year-old son was crossing the bridge to look for him. His first impulse was to cry out to the child, “Run! Run!” But the train was too close; the tiny legs would never make it across the bridge in time. The man almost left his lever to run and snatch up his son and carry him to safety. But he realized that he could not get back to the lever.
Either the people on the train or his little son must die.
He took a moment to make his decision.
The train sped safely and swiftly on its way, and no one aboard was even aware of the tiny broken body thrown mercilessly into the river by the onrushing train. Nor were they aware of the pitiful figure of the sobbing man, still clinging tightly to the locking lever long after the train had passed.
They did not see him walking home more slowly than he had ever walked: to tell his wife how their son had brutally died.
Now if you comprehend the emotions which went this man’s heart, you can begin to understand the feelings of our Father in Heaven when He sacrificed His Son to bridge the gap between us and eternal life.
Can there be any wonder that He caused the earth to tremble and the skies to darken when His Son died? How does He feel when we speed along through life without giving a thought to what was done for us through Jesus Christ?
When was the last time we thanked Him for the sacrifice of His Son?

DRIVE TIME DEVOTIONAL

AS STUBBORN AS PRUNES

David McCasland

Do not be like the horse or like the mule, which have no understanding, which must be harnessed with bit and bridle. —Psalm 32:9

At a Colorado ranch where I once worked, we had a mule named Prunes. He was big, strong, and intelligent. He was also the ringleader of a small band of horses that regularly escaped from the corral.

One evening we hid near the barn to see how they got out. Just before dark Prunes approached the gate, flipped up the latch with his nose, and then knocked his head against the lever. The gate swung open and Prunes gave a satisfied snort as he and his friends trotted off to freedom.

Prunes was smart, but he was also stubborn, and only a strong, skilled rider could control him. Perhaps the psalmist had known an animal like that when he wrote: “Do not be like the horse or like the mule, which have no understanding, which must be harnessed with bit and bridle, else they will not come near you” (Psalm 32:9).

The Lord longs to lead His children in a much different way: “I will instruct you and teach you in the way you should go; I will guide you with My eye” (v.8). Just a glance from the Lord is enough to keep an obedient, cooperative Christian on the right trail. It takes a bit and bridle to direct a stubborn mule.

Which will it be for us today?

We need God’s guidance from above,
His daily leading and His love;
And as we trust Him for direction,
To our course He’ll give correction. —Fitzhugh

To avoid going wrong, follow God’s leading.

LEFTOVERS

CROCODILE DUNDIDIT

A crocodile causes a biker to go to jail for illegal weapons charges!

No one would expect a Hell’s Angels motorcycle gang member to have a normal pet. You just can’t picture a biker with a pet beagle or a kitten, can you?  No, for a mean motorcycle gang member, you need a mean pet like a crocodile. Too bad for the gang member that his crocodile turned him in for illegal weapons charges. It all began when the Hell’s Angel gang member started to put fresh water in his crocodile’s aquarium. But before turning the tap water off, he fell asleep. The water ran down to his neighbor’s apartment, who then called the police. Once they arrived to the biker’s apartment, not only did they find water everywhere along with a huge reptile, but also an illegal arms cache inside. The biker now faces up to a year in prison, without his pet crocodile.

LIFE… LIVE IT

VALENTINE’S DAY POLL (Redbook)

What’s the ultimate gift you can receive for Valentine’s Day?

a massage… 20 %

a new washer/dryer… 1 %

jewelry… 18 %

flowers… 11 %

a love poem/love letter… 33 %

Your choice of traditional gift is:

Chocolate… 13 %

Lingerie… 31 %

Flowers… 56 %

If your husband is in charge of Valentine’s dinner, you want him to make:

a call to the Chinese takeout… 19 %

an intimate home-cooked dinner for two… 43 %

reservations at a romantic restaurant… 38 %

JUST FOR FUN

HELLO NEWMAN

When you think of the number one thing that would bother a mailman, do you think of a vicious dog?

An English mail man is now refusing to deliver mail to one location on his route, but it’s not because of a ferocious animal that barks when he approaches, it’s because he’s being taunted. So, he has stopped delivering the post to a wholesale meat company because the workers taunted him about being bald. The manager of the Meat Company says that it’s all in good fun, and the letter carrier just failed to see the humor in the situation and that no harm was meant. The plant finally got its mail later in the day by a substitute postman. ***MARLAR: So would you call that “mail-patterned baldness”?

FUN LIST

TOP 5 WAYS YOU KNOW FOOTBALL SEASON IS FINALLY OVER!

  • Your husband starts thinking about taking down the Christmas lights

  • That big lump on your couch is gone

  • Your husband starts learning the names of the kids all over again

  • Your husband discovers new qualities of the family he never noticed before… like, “Hey, when did our daughter get married?”

  • Your husband just found out you had a baby last month!

MORE SHOW PREP STUFF…

Hang out with your friends as often as you can – apparently it helps to keep you from becoming disabled!

Do you lunch regularly with friends? Meet weekly to play cards or bowl?  Then chances are you are not going to become physically disabled any time soon. Research at the Rush University Medical Center has found a connection between higher levels of social activity — dining out, playing bingo, volunteering — with a lower risk of becoming disabled. ***MARLAR: Although I’m not so sure “playing Bingo” can be called a social life.

OTHER STUFF I WANT TO CRAM INTO TODAY’S PREP

Do you work, Mom?  Feel guilty about not staying at home with your young kids?  Stop feeling guilty.  It appears children with working moms are less likely to have behavioral or emotional problems by age 5 than kids of stay at home moms, according to a British study. In fact, girls with stay at home moms were twice as likely to have behavioral problems by age 5. Dr. Anne McMunn of University College London says, “Working mothers should not feel guilty that this will have any impact on the social, emotional or behavioral development of their children.”

Beware your contact lenses. Wearing them appears to change the natural bacterial environment of the eyes, reports HealthDay News of research from the New York University School of Medicine. A study found that for those who do not wear contact lenses, the bacterial composition of the eye is very different from that of the surrounding skin — with greater or lesser amounts of specific bacteria. For those who do wear contact lenses, bacteria that are normally found on the skin around the eye were found also on the surface of the eye. How did the skin bacteria get into the eye? The researchers aren’t sure. It could have been transferred by fingers to the lens or it could just be from the act of wearing contacts. What should you do? Be smart about contact lens hygiene. Wash your hands with soap and hot water before handling your contacts. Clean the contacts per the manufacturer’s instructions, and replace disposable lenses on schedule. Never sleep with your lenses in your eyes. Replace disinfecting solutions monthly and lens cases every three months.

We joke and call them “senior moments,” but it’s not funny when you can’t remember a word, a person’s name or where you put your keys. The solution? Go take a walk. When seniors regularly took brisk walks for one year, an amazing thing happened: The hippocampus, the section of the brain that is involved in memory, actually grew in size, according to researchers from the University of Pittsburgh and University of Illinois at Urbana-Champaign. Typically, the hippocampus shrinks as we age.

Watch out mom and dad! Doctors are warning parents about another stupid and very dangerous game teenagers are playing that can lead to permanent damage. It’s called the “salt and ice challenge.” Kids pour salt on a part of their body and then place an ice cube over it. That salt lowers the temperature of the ice-cube and within five to ten minutes, the cube can cause serious injuries. Dr. Brian Wagers, a pediatric physician at Riley Hospital for Children at IU Health says, “It’s essentially like frostbite. Some of the pictures you’ll see on the internet and YouTube, those kids have third-degree burns. I mean it turns it to leather essentially.” And if you did have hair there, it’ll never grow back. Do not try this at home…or anywhere! (WXIN)

A teacher wanted to welcome her students to a new school year in a special way. So the educator in Queensland, Australia, crafted a note packed with inspirational messages. It said: “The eraser is to remind you that [it] is ok to make mistakes,” “The stickers mean we’ll stick together and work hard as a team, The puzzle shows how we fit together, working towards a common theme.” 
http://abcn.ws/2l511GD

The Superbowl was played on the field last night but members of both teams declared their true allegiance prior to the game. Several players from both sides shared about their love for the Bible through a video recorded for YouVersion partner The Increase. Check out the video at http://blog.youversion.com/?p=21894.

In honor of Superbowl 51, Space Station crew members threw a “Zero-G Hail Mary Pass”. According to NASA, the pass covered 564-thousand yards, making it the longest Hail Mary pass ever. 
https://youtu.be/vSjDB9F-9Pk

A 6-year-old Florida boy held a “free toy” stand to allow less fortunate children to choose toys from his toy pile. http://abcn.ws/2jHCmuX

AND I LEAVE YOU WITH THIS THOUGHT

It’s important to maintain your sense of fun, don’t let the cold get on your nerves. With this in mind — I have sent (OTHER JOCK) to the intersection of (MAIN & STATE) with a Chapstick. As you drive by — roll down your window — and stick out your lips.

THE TICKET Movie Reviews with MARIE ASNER

Marie Asner has been reviewing films for over 35 years. Her outlets include radio, print and Internet. For more in-depth movie reviews of the following films, visit www.Tollbooth.org. Ratings from 1 (Low) to 5 (High).

FEBRUARY 03, 2017…

Opening moved ahead from an earlier date) The Space Between Us—On a colonization voyage to Mars, it is discovered that one of the female astronauts is pregnant.  This results in the first child, a boy, being born on Mars, but in that atmosphere, gravity, etc. Fast forward to teen years, and the kid (Asa Butterfield) knows about Earth and even has a girl friend, Britt Robertson (Skype) he writes to.  However, something happens and Asa ends up on Earth. “The Space Between Us” is rated PG 13. Rating of 2 for fans.

Rings—Johnny Galecki is one of the stars in a remake/new episode of the Japanese supernatural film about a haunting that occurs seven days after you have viewed a video tape. “Something” comes out of a dark hole and comes after you. This film is set thirteen years after the original. Can’t keep a good DVD down. The original was popular and here we go again.  Also in the cast are Vincent Onofrio, Alex Rae, and Matilda Lutz. “Rings” is rated R. Rating of 2 for fans.

The Comedian—Comics sometimes have a dark streak in them and such is the theme in the film starring Robert De Niro. He is a comedian who tries a comeback but gets into trouble. This film is directed by Taylor Hackford who is also Helen Mirren’s husband.  No, she is not in this film, but Leslie Mann, Danny De Vito and Edie Jolie are. “The Comedian” is rated R. No rating.

FEBRUARY 10, 2017…

Fifty Shades Darker continues the romance between Dakota Johnson and Jamie Dorman. Adult film.

John Wick: Chapter 2 with Keanu Reeves as the action guy with an attitude. The first film was surprisingly successful.

The Lego Batman Movie and with the popularity of “The Lego Movie,” this one is sure to have appeal.

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Darren Marlar credits all non-original material to the author whenever possible. All other material is original, used with permission, or author unknown. We welcome all comments, questions, and suggestions. Darren can be reached via his website at www.DarrenMarlar.com.