February 08, 2016: Monday ONAIRprep

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PRINTER FRIENDLY VERSION: 20160208

 

 

WELCOME TO THE SHOW!

So, I have to tell you that my wife and I are so different.  Let’s take snow shoveling.  Robin would prefer to go out and shovel every couple of hours.  She would go out and shovel 3, 4 ,5, 6 times a day.  She’s out there every 10 minutes.  See, I’m different.  I would prefer to let all the snow fall and shovel just once.  In June.

 

 

BIBLE VERSE OF THE DAY

“If you then, though you are evil, know how to give good gifts to your children, how much more will your Father in heaven give the Holy Spirit to those who ask for him.”  — Luke 11:13

 

Let those who love the Lord hate evil, for he guards the lives of his faithful ones and delivers them from the hand of the wicked. — Psalm 97:10

 

O Lord, let your ear be attentive to the prayer of this your servant and to the prayer of your servants who delight in revering your name. Give your servant success today by granting him favor in the presence of this man. — Nehemiah 1:11

 

 

HEARTLIGHT DAILY VERSE, PRAYER & THOUGHT

(From VerseOfTheDay.com)

For since the creation of the world God’s invisible qualities — his eternal power and divine nature — have been clearly seen, being understood from what has been made, so that men are without excuse. — Romans 1:20

 

Thought: What an incredible world we live in! The expanse of space is humbling. The majesty of the mountain peaks takes away our breath. On and on we could go, describing all the beautiful, magnificent, and awe-inspiring wonders of the universe. The variety, the order, the symmetry, and the unexpected all testify to God, the Genius behind it all.

 

Prayer: O LORD, Almighty God, your works of creation astound me with your incredible sense of majesty, grace, wonder, awe, and beauty. Thank you for making your fingerprints so clearly seen in our incredible world. In Jesus’ name I praise. Amen.

 

The Thoughts and Prayers for Today’s Verse are written by Phil Ware. You can email questions or comments to phil@heartlight.org.

 

 

BIRTHDAY VERSE” OF THE DAY

The chapter and verse corresponds to the month and the day!

Ephesians 2:8 NIV = For it is by grace you have been saved, through faith—and this not from yourselves, it is the gift of God—

 

 

TODAY IS SUNDAY – FEBRUARY 08, 2016

(NOTE: Some holidays may be duplicated due to various calendars reporting conflicting dates)
WEIRD, WACKY, STRANGE, ZANY, ODD, BIZARRE, QUIRKY, UNUSUAL HOLIDAYS!
THERE ARE ONLY 320 SHOPPING DAYS UNTIL CHRISTMAS.   

 

Today is SCIENCE FICTION DAY, the birthday of Jules Verne, the father of science fiction, on this date in 1828.

 

I have to admit that this one does seem pretty cruel – but it makes sense if you think about it.  Today is DUMP YOUR SIGNIFICANT JERK DAY.  The thing is, if you KNOW that this person is not for you, and you know you’re not going to marry them, why bother prolonging it – you’re just wasting your time and theirs!  Of course, the secular view of this holiday is that you save money by not buying that person a card, candy, or flowers, but that’s just being a jerk yourself.  Your significant other meant a lot to you for a time, the least you can do is be nice to them.

 

Today is LAUGH AND GET RICH DAY, a day to recognize laughter’s power to help workers be more effective, remember things better, and not change jobs as often.  *** I laugh a lot as a radio personality – and hopefully I make other people laugh too, but I’ve yet to see any evidence of that “get rich” part.   I must be doing something wrong.

 

 

TODAY IS ALSO. . .

Boy Scout Anniversary

Chinese New Year

Opera Day

 

 

COMING UP NEXT

TUESDAY, FEBRUARY 09

Mardi Gras

National Stop Bullying Day

National Pizza Day

Paczki Day

Read in the Bathtub Day

Safer Internet Day

Toothache Day

Extraterrestrial Culture Day

Extraterrestrial Visitor Day

International Pancake Day

 

WEDNESDAY, FEBRUARY 10

Plimsoll Day

All The News That’s Fit To Print Day

 

THURSDAY, FEBRUARY 11

Be Electrific Day

Don’t Cry Over Spilled Milk Day

Get Out Your Guitar Day

Make a Friend Day

Pro Sports Wives Day

National Shut-In Visitation Day

Satisfied Staying Single Day

White Shirt Day (White T-shirt Day)

World Day of the Sick

 

FRIDAY, FEBRUARY 12

Lincoln’s Birthday

Oglethorpe Day

Paul Bunyan Day (Born Feb 12, 1834 in Bangor, ME)

Safety Pup Day

 

SATURDAY, FEBRUARY 13

Desperation Day

Employee Legal Awareness Day

Galentine’s Day

Get a Different Name Day

Madly In Love With me Day

World Radio Day

World Whale Day

 

SUNDAY, FEBRUARY 14

Autism Day

Batman Sticker Day

Ferris Wheel Day

International Book Giving Day

Frederick Douglass Day

Pet Theft Awareness Day (***If it requires a special day set aside to make you aware your pet has been stolen, you don’t deserve to have a pet at all.)

Library Lovers Day

National Have a heart Day

Congenital Heart Defect Awareness Day

League of Women Voters Day

National Women’s Heart Day

Race Relations Day

Singles Awareness Day (Singles Appreciation Day)

National Donor Day

Quirky Alone Day

Valentine’s Day

World Marriage Day

 

MONDAY, FEBRUARY 15

Clean Out Your Computer Day

Angelman Syndrome Day

Grammy Awards

Lupercalia

National Gum Drop Day

National Hippo Day

Presidents Day

Remember the Maine Day

Susan B. Anthony Day

 

 

ON THIS DAY

1587: Mary, Queen of Scots, was beheaded at Fotheringhay Castle in England after she was implicated in a plot to murder her cousin, Queen Elizabeth I.

 

1865: American YMCA director Lewis E. Jones was born . He wrote the enduring hymn, “Power in the Blood.”

 

1922: President Warren Harding had the first radio installed in the White House.

 

1960: Congress opened an investigation into widespread charges of “payola” that disc jockeys were being paid to play certain records. The accused included deejays Alan Freed and Dick Clark. Clark came through the scandal unscathed, but Freed never worked in radio again.

 

1968: The film “Planet of the Apes,” starring Charleton Heston, Roddy McDowell, and Kim Hunter, opened through the U.S. (audio clip)

 

1986: Hosting “Saturday Night Live,” Ron Reagan sang “Old Time Rock & Roll” in his shorts.

 

1989: A reedited version of the movie “Lawrence of Arabia” opened in New York City. Director David Lean revealed that due to an earlier editing mistake, for 20 years the camels had been moving in the wrong direction and nobody noticed.

 

1990: Singer Del Shannon shot himself in the head with a .22 caliber rifle at his home in Santa Clarita, California. He was 50 years old. Shannon’s first and biggest hit was “Runaway,” number one in the U.S. for four weeks beginning April 24, 1961

 

1994: Actor Jack Nicholson attacked a car with a golf club.

 

1998: A rat grounded a 60-ton Swissair jetliner for two days until airline workers finally trapped it using cured ham as bait. Officials refused to say if the rat was traveling first class or coach.

 

2000: A man allegedly tricked Little Rock police into immediately searching for his stolen car by telling them that his daughter was asleep in the back seat. Police found the car in less than two hours. But the 30-year-old man was charged with a felony for filing a false police report. Police said he had no daughter.

 

2003: A romeo was stuck on the frozen roof for two hours after his romantic encounter was interrupted by his lover’s husband. The naked man climbed through the bedroom window when the husband arrived unexpectedly. The window lead on to the roof and the man was too scared to jump down so he was stuck for two hours in the middle of the night until a neighbor spotted him and called police.

 

2004: At the Grammy Awards, OutKast won album of the year for “Speakerboxxx-The Love Below” and Beyonce took home five Grammies, tying the record for female performers held by Lauryn Hill, Alicia Keyes and Norah Jones.

 

 

TODAY IN CHRISTIAN HISTORY

356: For the third time since the Council of Nicea in 325, Athanasius goes into exile. The defender of orthodoxy was out of favor as Arianism, a heresy condemned at the council, ran rampant throughout the Empire. He would be exiled twice more before he died.

 

1555: Rev. Laurence Saunders, minister of the Gospel of Jesus Christ, was burned at the stake in Coventry, England. On Sunday, October 15th of the previous year, Mr. Saunders had preached a sermon in his parish which caused such a commotion that the Bishop of London sent an officer to arrest him summarily in the afternoon of the same day. He continued in prison one year and three months. The time was spent writing letters to others of the faithful, and in witnessing to the guards and fellow prisoners. On this date, dressed only in an old gown and shirt, barefooted, he was marched to the place of execution, embraced the stake, kissed it, and said, “Welcome cross of Christ, welcome everlasting life.” Then fastened to the stake, after the application of the torch, he soon fell asleep in Jesus!

 

1587: Mary, Queen of Scots, is beheaded. Attempting to restore Catholicism to England, she began persecuting Protestants. But, largely thanks to the work of John Knox, her attempts failed.

 

1693: The College of William and Mary is founded in Williamsburg, Virginia. Originally intended to educate Anglican clergymen, it is America’s second-oldest higher education institution (Harvard is the oldest).

 

 

HOLLYWOOD, SPORTS AND CELEBRITY FIGURE BIRTHDAYS

  • actor Seth Green (“Greg the Bunny,” The Italian Job, Dr. Evil’s son in the Austin Powers movies) 42
  • actress (Mrs. Ted Danson, Parenthood, Back to the Future III) Mary Steenburgen 63
  • comedian/actor Robert Klein (How To Lose a Guy In 10 Days, Two Weeks Notice) 74
  • actor (Hulk, 48 Hours, Cape Fear) Nick Nolte 75
  • Newsman Ted Koppel, 76

 

 

BEE-BOP BIRTHDAYS

(Music Artist Birthdays From SongFacts.com)

1919 : Buddy Morrow

1932 : John Williams

1936 : Larry Verne

1938 : Ray Sharpe

1940 : Brian Bennett (The Shadows)

1941 : Tom Rush

1943 : Creed Bratton (The Grass Roots)

1944 : Jim Capaldi (Traffic)

1946 : Adolpho ‘Fito’ de la Para (Canned Heat)

1946 : Paul Wheatbread (Gary Puckett and the Union Gap)

1948 : Dan Seals (England Dan & John Ford Coley)

1948 : Ron Tyson (The Temptations)

1950 : Ted Turner (Wishbone Ash)

1961 : Sam Llanas (The BoDeans)

1961 : Vince Neil (Motley Crue)

1971 : Will Turpin (Collective Soul)

1977 : Dave “Phoenix” Ferrel (Linkin Park)

 

 

SECRETS OF THE UNIVERSE

Why are auctioneers so hard to understand? Wouldn’t it make more sense to be very understandable?

There are several reasons for the strange patter. If the auction is confined to a single type of merchandise, such as tobacco, there may be references that only people in the business would understand. In general, auctioneers also speak quickly because often there’s lots of stuff to sell in a limited amount of time – it’s not a store where people shop at leisure over an extended period. But how about what sounds like gibberish? Those are the “filler” words, just a little excess verbiage to give people time to decide if they want to raise their bid, while the rhythm of the chant is psychologically designed to encourage them to do just that.

 

 

CHRISTIAN ARTIST NEWS

Do you like the Christian Artist News you see below? It’s just a tiny sample of the 5-6 pages of material you could be receive every weekday… and it’s FREE!  Become one of their subscribers at ChristianRadioShowPrepServices.com!

Kutless member James Mead says life is hardly ever black and white. He recently reflected on events in his life that have led him to where he is right now. James posted: I’m learning to see the myriad of colors, and the array of beauty that was just underneath the surface in all of those circumstances. All of the blessings in my life have not only been for my good, but because God wants to multiply his grace upon grace to everyone else involved in my life.

 

Tenth Avenue North’s Mike Donehey is making a change. He tweeted: Been thinking lately…I’m going cheerleader over cynic. Feels more like what I was made for.

 

Temptation is hitting Plumb full force. She walked on her tour bus this week in preparation for the Beautiful Offering Tour and was immediately confronted by what she described as: The worlds biggest chocolate cake is sitting on the bus. She said: Resist the enemy and he will flee.

 

This week marked an important anniversary for Unspoken front man Chad Mattson. In his early 20s Chad got into drugs and alcohol before the Lord got his attention on a missions trip to the Dominican Republic. This week Chad posted: I celebrate 13 years sober today!! Praise to Jesus for his life giving love. Check out Ephesians 3:20 and live.

 

Jamie Grace is cleaning out her social media house. She tweeted: I’m following 2,666 people on twitter. Jamie said that was too many people so she was trying to narrow it down. Jamie posted: gonna (try to) follow all y’all in the order you’re tweeting me right now, but if you tweet nastiness I will unfollow; and pray for you.

 

Newboys drummer Duncan Phillips was showing off a recent find at his local supermarket. He shared a picture of the five jars of Vegemite that he had just purchased. Vegemite is a yeast extract popular in Duncan’s native Australia.

http://tsu.co/duncan/111604577

 

Jodi, from Love and the Outcome, is due to give birth in just over one week.

 

 

NEWS KICKERS

(No news on the weekends.  Audio clips are only valid for a few days before being removed from our servers.)

 

NEW NEWS KICKERS…

Don’t overcook your french fries or toast. A new study (by UK’s Food Standards Agency) measured the amount of acrylamide — a cancer-causing toxin — in roasted potatoes, fries and toast prepared in the home. The FSA’s chief scientific adviser said the new research showed the need for roast potatoes and fries to be cooked to only “a light golden color” and that bread should be toasted to “the lightest color acceptable”.  ***In fact, rather than use a toaster for your bread, you might suggest boiling it.

 

It’s no secret Americans are drinking less soda. Now that trend is starting to take its toll on the restaurant industry. According to Time, A recent report by the NPD Group found that over the past five years, Americans ordered 4% fewer beverages at restaurants — a whopping 2 billion fewer servings. *** Well, if Pepsi wants to start sending me free cans on a daily basis I’ll be happy to try and pick up the slack.

 

New York police say a man with a long history of pretending to be a transit worker and commandeering New York City subway trains for joy rides has been arrested after stealing a commercial passenger bus. Cops says Darius McCollum was arrested by officers who spotted the bus traveling down a street in Brooklyn.  ***Passengers are upset at the arrest because it was the only time the bus actually ran on time.

 

Gigi Hadid who is currently romancing former One Direction singer Zayn Malik, opens up about the relationships in her life in the latest issue of LOVE magazine. According to the model, she surrounds herself with other people who are in the entertainment industry because they know what it feels like living under the spotlight. Though she she lives with a “best friend from high school,” Hadid says she turns to pals like Kendall Jenner, who also appears in the same issue wearing a bikini, when she’s having problems with haters.  She tells the publication, “We define a troll, as someone that’s hiding behind their computer, putting out negativity and not realizing that their words are actually words and that we’re actually people that are reading them.”  *** Meanwhile, trolls define celebrities as idiots when they use sentences like “not realizing that their words are actually words.”

 

 

NEWS KICKER EVERGREENS…

According to a recent study, men have to work harder deciphering what women are saying because they use the auditory part of the brain that processes music, not human voices. It’s not the pitch of the woman’s voice, but rather the vibration and number of sound waves that cause the problem.  ***MARLAR: At least I think that’s what my wife told me… I wasn’t really listening.

 

New research shows young people who become sleep deprived by using the internet into the small hours are much more likely to become mentally ill in later life.  Lack of sleep may help explain the puzzling increase in mental illness among young people in recent decades.  And regularly staying up late to surf the internet and chat on social networking sites could be one reason young people are sleeping less, according to the research. The study of about 20,000 young people found that those who slept fewer than five hours a night were three times more likely to become psychologically distressed.  ***MARLAR: Which explains the content of 86% of all late-night Twitter posts.

 

According to a poll of US adults, more than a third feel that the most frightening small creature is the snake, followed by rats, spiders and cockroaches.  ***And then divorce lawyers.

 

According to a study, women who drink moderately are less likely to gain weight.  *** This study has been brought to you by Ernest and Julio Gallo, AND by the makers of wine in a box!

 

 

WONDER WOMAN

CLICK HERE TO DOWNLOAD TODAY’S EPISODE… “Jelly Fish Gas”

 

 

DAILY COMEDY CLIP

CLICK HERE TO DOWNLOAD TODAY’S EPISODE… Brad Stine, “Signs”

 

 

AS THE JUNGLE TURNS – WEEKDAY VERSION

CLICK HERE TO DOWNLOAD MONDAY’S EPISODE  
OPEN: And now, FancyMonkey.com, (Show Name), and (Station Call Letters) bring you As the Jungle Turns!

Last time, Gruffy Bear, after breaking his promise to Sully numerous times to play checkers with him, finally showed up on Sully’s door… ashamed of how he’d been acting.  But Sully already had plans to play checkers with Nozzles the elephant.  And that leaves Gruffy with no one…

 

CLOSE: Now that’s what forgiveness… and friendship… is all about.  Tune in again next time, as FancyMonkey.com, (Show Name), and (Station Call Letters) bring you another exciting episode of As the Jungle Turns!

 

 

AS THE JUNGLE TURNS – SATURDAY/SUNDAY VERSION

CLICK HERE TO DOWNLOAD THE EPISODE FOR THE WEEKEND OF FEBRUARY 13/14

 

OPEN: And now, FancyMonkey.com, (Show Name), and (Station Call Letters) bring you As the Jungle Turns!  When last we left the jungle, Louis the lion – currently the king of the jungle – decided he didn’t want to be king.  So all of the animals went out searching all throughout the jungle to find a replacement king… someone to be king so Louis wouldn’t have to.  And it looks like they’re getting pretty close!
CLOSE: Being king of the jungle is an awful big responsibility… and it looks like it requires an awful big crown too!  But the crown doesn’t fit Louis, so there must be someone else around that can be king!  We’ll find out who next time, As the Jungle Turns!
***You may simulcast “As the Jungle Turns” on the Internet stream of your live broadcast only. Any other Internet use of “As the Jungle Turns” in whole or part including podcasting of your live broadcast is a violation of copyright law. Thank you for your cooperation on this vitally important issue. If you have any questions, please e-mail us and ask about “Jungle Jam & Friends the Radio Show” usage.

 

 

MOMENT OF DUH

It’s best not to rob the same place at which you’re applying for a job.

Las Vegas police have accused Alejandro Martinez of robbing a pizza parlor. And what led them to suspect Martinez? Before pulling off the heist, Martinez asked for a job application. When he felt the moment was right, he put down the pen, produced a gun and took off with cash. What he didn’t take off with was the job application with his name and address on it.  ***MARLAR: This pizza place is lucky – if he hadn’t pulled a gun to rob them, they might’ve hired him and ended up with someone this stupid actually on staff!

 

 

TOP TEN

TOP TEN THINGS FLIGHT ATTENDANTS DON’T WANT TO HEAR

  1. I PROBABLY FLY MORE THAN YOU DO.
  2. SO DOES THAT MEAN THE ALCOHOL IS FREE?
  3. YOU’RE HOLDING US HOSTAGE!
  4. ARE THERE ANY FIRST CLASS SEATS AVAILABLE?
  5. CAN YOU HELP ME GET MY BAG IN THE OVERHEAD BIN?
  6. WHAT DO YOU MEAN THERE’S NO FOOD?
  7. ON MY LAST FLIGHT…
  8. HERE, TAKE THIS DIAPER.
  9. WHEN DO WE GET THERE? (During boarding)
  10. WHERE ARE WE?

 

 

THE FILES OF LAW & DISORDER

Elvis has left the driveway.

 

FILE #1: Minneapolis-area resident Jon Kittelsen thought it would be a good idea to mount a painting of Elvis Presley on a saw horse at the end of his driveway to welcome guests to a fundraiser at his home. However, this was no ordinary Elvis painting, but a $15,000 portrait. No word on if guests found the place because thieves apparently said, ‘thank you very much’ and helped themselves to the painting and drove away with Elvis.

 

FILE #2: Brian Waltermyer walked into the Integrity Bank in York County, PA, wearing a hood. As he approached the teller, carrying a note demanding money, the teller asked him to remove the hood – bank policy.  So he did, giving the bank surveillance cameras a crystal clear view of his face.  Waltermyer was arrested on Monday.  Maybe he’ll get points for adhering to bank policy.

 

FILE #3: Sometimes God even works in the lives of criminals… to bring them to justice!  Jada Coover of Sioux City Iowa was scheduled to appear in court on charges of attempting to tamper with anhydrous ammonia, which is used to make methamphetamine. He was tooling around town on the day of his court appearance, apparently not intending to show up for court, in a truck suspected of being in a hit and run.  Police spotted the truck and started to pursue him. So the brilliant mind of Jada thought, “I’ll run from police and then hide in a court house,” which he did.  Coover hastily parked the truck and ran into the courthouse and tried to barricade himself in a courtroom. The exact same courtroom he was scheduled to appear in that day!

 

STRANGE LAW: In California it is illegal to set a mouse trap without a hunting license.

 

 

THIS IS YOUR BRAIN ON DRUGS

Seatbelts are for beer – not for kids!

In St. Augustine, Florida, police have arrested 46-year-old Tina Williams for apparently caring more about the safety of her beer than the safety of kids! Tina was initially stopped for running a red light but when officers came up to her car they found a 24-pack of Busch beer strapped in passenger seat with a seat belt but a 16-month-old girl unrestrained in the back seat! Also in the backseat was 20-year-old Amber Tedrick, the toddler’s mother. Tina said she didn’t know why the child wasn’t restrained. She also refused to take a breath test and a deputy found two metal pipes commonly used to smoke drugs in her purse. She was charged with DUI, child abuse, possession of drug paraphernalia and driving without a license. The beer was unharmed.

 

 

PHONER PHUN

Valentine’s Day is right around the corner, and that means the chick flicks are coming out of the video cabinets for a nice romantic evening.  In your opinion, what is THE most romantic movie of all time?

 

 

BIBLE BRAIN BUSTER!

QUESTION: What was the name of Timothy’s mother?
ANSWER: Eunice (2 Timothy 1:5)

 

 

QUESTION IMPOSSIBLE

QUESTION: Thirty-five percent of people placing personal ads have this in common.

ANSWER: They’re already married

 

 

TRUE OR FALSE

Pay attention!  If our next player doesn’t answer all ten T/F questions correctly we start all over from question #1!  First person to answer question #10 correctly is our winner!

 

  1. The Jordanian city Amman was once called Philadelphia. (True)

 

  1. The largest body of fresh water in the world is Lake Michigan. (False – Lake Superior)

 

  1. The largest desert in the world, the Sahara, is 3,500 square miles. (False – it’s 3,500,000 square miles!)

 

  1. Close to 250,000 people in the U.S. are expected to be 100 years old in the year 2030. (False – it’s closer to 324,000)

 

  1. The average adult in one day speaks 48,000 words. (True. He also exercises seven million brain cells, takes 23,000 breaths, laughs 15 times, and his/her heart beats 104,000 times.)

 

  1. The Nile catfish swims upside down. (True)

 

  1. From the 1850s to the 1880s, the most common cause of death among cowboys in the American West was alcohol poisoning… drinking themselves to death. (False – believe it or not, it was being dragged by a horse while caught in the stirrups.)

 

  1. Table salt is made by driving water into a salt mine. (True – they then evaporate the brine that is formed, leaving dried crystals that look like granulated sugar.)

 

  1. The second is defined as being 9,192,631,770 times the time it takes for a cesium-133 atom to swap hyperfine levels in its ground state. (True… is your head about to explode from trying to make any sense out of that question?)

 

  1. The Greek national anthem has 158 verses. (True)

 

 

TABLOID MATCH GAME

You have to match the blank in the tabloid headline with the word or phrase that has been removed!

WOMAN MARRIES ______ (BUILDING)

SEATTLE –  A woman has decided to marry a 107-year-old building.  She already has a “civil union” with the building.

Babylonia Aivaz’s has been in love with the 107-year-old building, for years but she has to have a “quickie” wedding because demolition of the warehouse has already begun.

–Babylonia says she hopes to save the abandoned building for a community center. The Occupy activist has to stand up to developer Seawest, which would rather use the space for a luxury apartment complex. Aivaz firmly opposes this act of gentrification, which she says would hit the poorer members of the neighborhood with increased rent.

If corporations can have rights as people, so can buildings,” the “bride” told American Komonews, referencing a Supreme Court decision on political advertising. “I’m doing this to show the building how much I love it, how much I love community space and how much I love this neighborhood. And I want to stop it from gentrification.”

Aivaz says she fell head over heals with the building after joining a protest inside the building last month.

 

 

THE WAY TOO EARLY IN THE MORNING TO UNDERSTAND THE PUNCHLINE EVEN AFTER TWO CUPS OF COFFEE JOKE OF THE DAY

JOKE #1

A police officer sees a man driving around with a pickup truck full of penguins.  He pulls the guy over and says, “You can’t drive around with penguins in this town! Take them to the zoo immediately.”

The guy says okay, and drives away.

The next day, the officer sees the guy still driving around with the truck full of penguins — and they’re all wearing sunglasses.  He pulls the guy over and demands, “I thought I told you to take these penguins to the zoo yesterday?”

The guy replies, “I did – and they loved it. Today I’m taking them to the beach!”

 

JOKE #2

There was once an aspiring veterinarian who put himself through veterinary school working nights as a taxidermist. Upon graduation, he decided he could combine his two vocations to better serve the needs of his patients and their owners, while doubling his practice and, therefore, his income. He opened his own offices with a shingle on the door saying, “Dr. Jones, Veterinary Medicine and Taxidermy — Either way, you get your dog back!”

 

JOKE #3

Just after the maid had been fired, she took five bucks from her purse and threw it to Fido, the family dog. When asked why by her former employer, she answered:

“I never forget a friend. This was for helping me clean the dishes all the time!”

 

 

USELESS FACTS

Researchers have found that human sweat contains potent agents that fight off germs and infections. ***MARLAR: So the question is would you rather be disease free, or odor free. (audio clip)

 

This week in history, back in 1985, the French mineral water company, Perrier, debuted its first new product in 123 years: sparkling water with a twist of lemon, lime or orange. ***MARLAR: If you didn’t know it already, “Perrier” is the French word for “Let’s see how much we can get those idiot Americans to pay for water.”

 

 

FEATURED FUNNIES

SECRET FORMULA

The police recently arrested a man selling “secret formula” tablets he claimed gave eternal youth. When going through their files they noticed it was the fifth time he was caught for committing this same criminal medical fraud. He had earlier been arrested in 1794, 1856, 1928 and 1983….

 

 

IT MUST BE TRUE BECAUSE I HEARD IT ON THE RADIO!

MONEY TROUBLES

Think you got money troubles?  Whatever it is, it ain’t nothing compared to the troubles one Frenchman has!

A car salesman in Nantes, France, has sued the government because he’s allergic to money. Serge Bouzy claims in his lawsuit that the ink that the French government uses for printing its currency makes him sick. He seeks damages for past illnesses and wants the government to change the ink. ***MARLAR: I think he’s just sick of not having the money.

 

 

INSPIRATIONAL INSPIRATION

HONESTY, THE BEST POLICY

A man entered a diesel-repair shop, said he was a driver from a trucking fleet and suggested, “How about adding a few extra parts to the bill? We’ll let the company pay for it, and you and I can split the difference?”

The shop owner refused, but the customer was insistent. “I come through here a lot,” the man continued. “We could make quite a bit of money.” But the shop owner said that wasn’t how he operated.

“Everyone does it!” the man yelled. “Are you some kind of fool?”

Burning mad, the owner of the shop asked the truck driver to leave and take his business elsewhere.

Suddenly the trucker smiled and extended his hand for a handshake. “I own a trucking company,” he said. “I’ve been looking for a mechanic I can trust, and I’m not taking my business anywhere else but here!”

Honestly is the best policy.

 

 

DRIVE TIME DEVOTIONAL

DIRTY DISHES

Richard De Haan

Abide in Him, that when He appears, we may have confidence and not be ashamed before Him at His coming. – 1 John 2:28

When I was a boy, my father often traveled to other cities to speak at churches and Bible conferences. Sometimes my mother would accompany him, leaving my brother and me alone for a few days. We enjoyed being independent, but we detested doing the dishes.

I remember the time we tried to put off that dreaded chore as long as possible by stacking all the dirty plates, glasses, and silverware in the oven after each meal. At the end of the week, there was hardly any room left. Then, on the evening before Mom and Dad were to return, we rolled up our sleeves and cleaned up the whole mess. It took hours! How ashamed we would have been if our parents had come back earlier than we expected.

Because we don’t know exactly when Christ will return (Matthew 24:36,42,44), we must not get lazy in our Christian walk. The expectancy of His any-moment appearance should help us to be “faithful and wise” servants (v.45) and to live in a way that “we may have confidence and not be ashamed” when He comes (1 John 2:28).

Yes, Christ will come again, just as He promised. Perhaps today! Do you have any “dirty dishes”? Now is the time to get ready.

 

Faithful and true would He find us here
If He should come today?
Watching in gladness and not in fear,
If He should come today. —Morris

 

Live as if Christ is coming back today.

 

 

LEFTOVERS

HERE’S HOPING YOU DON’T GET THIS JUDGE!

A New York judge tossed out a $50 million lawsuit by a Goldman Sachs bond trader who contended the company fired him illegally for dating a co-worker. State Supreme Court Justice Beatrice Shainswit ruled that Thomas R. Hudson was not fired for the girlfriend, but said he was probably fired to keep him from getting a $5 million bonus he would have received a few weeks after his termination date.  ***MARLAR: Well, in that case it’s okay.

 

 

LIFE… LIVE IT

BREAKING YOUR HEART A FEW DAYS EARLY

Be extra careful this coming Sunday before Valentine’s Day, you don’t want an unfortunate accident to ruin this year’s celebration…

…Sunday is the big day for accidents. According to a new survey, you are ten percent more likely to hurt yourself and end up in the hospital on a Sunday than on any other day. Household accidents cause a million injuries and 5000 deaths per year, with more of them happening on a Sunday night.

 

 

JUST FOR FUN

SUPER BOWL MONDAY…

A group calling themselves SBM (for Super Bowl Monday) has started a petition to have the Monday following each Super Bowl designated as a federal holiday.  While it’s not a totally bad idea, it is a bit ridiculous to give everyone a day off just because of a sporting event the day before.  If it’s that easy to get a holiday, here are a few more suggestions…

  • Annual “Week after Thanksgiving When I’m Bloated And Wish I Hadn’t Eaten So Much” Week.  ***MARLAR: If I have to feel like that, I at least want to feel like that on my couch!
  • Annual “Day After Groundhog’s Day” Day.  ***MARLAR: If I wake up and see my shadow, I shouldn’t have to go in to work.
  • December 26th.  ***MARLAR: When else are we going to return all of the crud we received for Christmas that we don’t want to keep?
  • Easter Monday.  ***MARLAR: It’s not fair to anyone that a national holiday always falls on a Sunday.  We need to get at least ONE day off for it.
  • Veterans Day.  ***MARLAR: All veterans get the day off with pay… period.  If you have veterans in your family, that counts too.  And so does ever watching a war movie.  Or even thinking about watching one.

 

 

FUN LIST

13 THINGS YOUR FLORIST WON’T TELL YOU

(From Readers Digest)

  1. Sure, you can order flowers at 3 a.m. from 1-800-Flowers, FTD, or Teleflora. But they’ll charge you $15 and then just call us.
  2. Most flower shops restock on Monday mornings, so that’s the time to place an order. Fridays and Saturdays are good days to ask what’s on special.
  3. Out of preservative? Try this: one fourth 7Up, three fourths water, and two or three drops of bleach.
  4. Ask for a discount. We give one to senior citizens, professional groups, and customers we like.
  5. The trick to making flowers last: Cut the stems at an angle and change the water at least every other day. And use the floral preservative we give you, not copper pennies.
  6. Don’t forget to wash the vase with soap when you change the water. Otherwise, the bacteria clinging to the sides will contaminate your new water.
  7. How fresh is your rose? Look closely at the bottom of the blossom and see how many outside petals have been removed. The more ripped petals you see, the older it is.
  8. That cheap glass vase that came with your bouquet? Most of us will gladly recycle it if you return it.
  9. Fruit is the enemy. It emits ethylene gas, so even in a separate bowl a few inches away, it’s a surefire flower killer.
  10. Yes, your flowers look beautiful in the window, but the heat from direct sunlight will kill them in a day or two.
  11. You can buy the cheaper Valentine’s Day roses at the gas station. But they may droop or lose petals the next day. They were probably cut weeks ago and put in cold storage.
  12. It’s not your nose. Many flowers today don’t have much scent, because growers are breeding for long stems and a lengthy vase life instead.
  13. We didn’t choose February. If it were up to us, Valentine’s Day would be in the summer, when roses are actually in season.

 

 

MORE SHOW PREP STUFF…

Hate having allergies?  Most people do – but it appears having allergies might also be beneficial for your brain!

New research shows people who have allergies are less likely to develop brain cancer. The study published in the journal Cancer Epidemiology, Biomarkers & Prevention found the more allergies a person had, the less likely they were to develop gliomas, the most common type of brain tumor. Experts aren’t sure exactly why there’s a link. Researchers say it didn’t matter what type of allergies people had — seasonal, pet, or food — they all seemed to have a protective effect against brain cancer.

 

 

OTHER STUFF I WANT TO CRAM INTO TODAY’S PREP

A federal judge has ruled that Kentucky officials were wrong to deny tax incentives worth $18 million to a Christian ministry building a theme park featuring a life-sized replica of Noah’s Ark. According to the Baptist News, a U.S. District Judge ruled this week that state officials could not deny sales tax rebates for tourist attractions to Answers in Genesis simply because of its religious affiliation since similar tax rebates had been given to other attractions. State officials were initially enthusiastic about approving the Ark Encounter. It wasn’t until groups including Americans United for Separation of Church and State raised concerns that the Kentucky Tourism Cabinet reversed course.  The Godly side won this court battle!

https://baptistnews.com/culture/politics/item/30870-judge-oks-tax-break-for-ark-park#sthash.fuW8LBia.dpuf

 

Jessica Olah is spending the week making 2,340 peanut butter and jelly sandwiches at a New York art gallery as patrons watch. According to the Good News Network, Her edible performance art is a tribute to the sacrifices her mother made for Jessica and her siblings. Jessica arrived at the 2,340 number because it’s how many school days there are from kindergarten through 12th grade. She says her mother packed a PB&J sandwich for her lunch every day when her daughter was in school. Jessica is making about 50 sandwiches every hour and her art won’t go unappreciated – twice a day through Sunday her meal masterpieces are being delivered to the Bowery Mission to feed the hungry.

http://www.goodnewsnetwork.org/artist-honors-mom-with-2300-peanut-butter-jelly-sandwiches-for-homeless/

 

Wednesday, February 10th, 2016 is ASH Wednesday

  • Ash Wednesday marks the first day of Lent, which is prior to Easter.
  • Clergy place blessed ashes in form of the cross on individuals’ foreheads to remind them of mortality, sorrow for sins, change, and forgiveness.
  • Lent is traditionally a time of fasting and prayer in preparation for receiving or reaffirming baptism at Easter.
  • For some Christians, Lent is a time to think about one’s life choices and mortality, as well as reflect on life directions.
  • There are also those who choose this time of the year to donate to charities or take part in charity events as a way to get close to God.
  • Lent occurs 46 days (40 fasting days, if the 6 Sundays, which are not days of fast, are excluded) before Easter and can fall as early as February 4th or as late as March 10th.
  • *Jesus spent 40 days fasting in the desert, where he endured temptation by Satan. Lent originated as a mirroring of this, fasting 40 days as preparation for Easter.

 

 

AND I LEAVE YOU WITH THIS THOUGHT

Why does a slight tax increase cost you two hundred dollars and a substantial tax cut save you thirty cents?

 

“When more and more people are thrown out of work, unemployment results”  – Calvin Coolidge, Former U.S. President

 

“A converted cannibal is one who, on Friday, eats only fishermen.” – Emily Lotney

 

“The old believe everything, the middle-aged suspect everything, the young know everything.”– Oscar Wilde

 

 

THE TICKET Movie Reviews with MARIE ASNER

Marie Asner has been reviewing films for over 30 years. Her outlets include radio, print and Internet.  For more in-depth movie reviews of the following films, visit www.Tollbooth.org.  Ratings from 1 (Low) to 5 (High).

 

FEBRUARY 05, 2016…

 

The Choice—This is a romance/drama about the choices one makes in life. Especially love at first sight. The cast includes Tom Welling (“Superman” TV series), Benjamin Walker (“In The Heart Of The Sea”), Teresa Palmer and Maggie Grace. “The Choice” is rated PG 13. No rating.

 

Hail! Caesar—A comedy with a back of the hand to Hollywood.  A superstar is kidnapped and the production can’t go on without him, but, then, who might care?? The stars in this film play their roles broadly and they include George Clooney, Josh Brolin, Jonah Hill and Scarlett Johannson. Directed by none other than the Coen Brothers. “Hail! Caesar” is rated PG 13. Rating of 3 for fans.

 

Pride and Prejudice and Zombies—Author Jane Austen’s books are in the public domain, who would have thought? Anyway, we now get “Pride and Prejudice and Zombies” starring Lily James from “Downton Abbey” playing Elizabeth. Corsets and martial arts are the theme here, as Lily and her sisters Bella Heathcote and Suki Waterhouse (Kitty) go after the bad guys. Also in the cast is Sam Riley (Mr. Darcy) and Charles Dance. “Pride and Prejudice and Zombies” is rated R. No rating.

 

Regression—This is a psychological study as a father is accused of abusing his daughter and can’t remember doing anything. The cast includes Ethan Hawke, David Dencik, Emma Watson and David Thewlis. “Regression” is rated R. No rating.

 

FEBRUARY 12, 2016…

 

Where To Invade is a documentary, rather tongue in cheek, by Michael Moore about traveling the world for information to help America.

 

Deadpool comes from the comics and has Ryan Reynolds in the title role.

 

How To Be Single is about women trying to get along without men in their lives. A comedy to be sure and starring Rebel Wilson and Dakota Johnson.

 

Zoolander 2 with Ben Stiller and Owen Wilson from the cult-classic comedy and reprising their roles as Derek and Hansel.

 

The Bad Hurt concerns a family trying to stay together through hurts and secrets. Stars Ashley Williams and Karen Allen.

 

 

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WARNING:    Don’t believe anything you read on the Internet or email (including stuff you read here) unless you can confirm it with another source, and/or it is consistent with what you already know to be true. The opinions in this publication are not necessarily those of Darren Marlar, Marlar House Entertainment, OnAirPrep.com, or any company or organization affiliated with aforementioned.  (Regardless of how stupid you may think those opinions are.  So there – nyah!)

Darren Marlar credits all non-original material to the author whenever possible. All other material is original, used with permission, or author unknown. We welcome all comments, questions, and suggestions.  Darren can be reached via his website at www.DarrenMarlar.com.