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WELCOME TO THE SHOW!
So, I have to tell you that my wife and I are so different. Let’s take snow shoveling. Robin would prefer to go out and shovel every couple of hours. She would go out and shovel 3, 4 ,5, 6 times a day. She’s out there every 10 minutes. See, I’m different. I would prefer to let all the snow fall and shovel just once. In June.
Super Bowl Sunday is exactly like Thanksgiving Day — you eat too much and then you watch football. The only difference is that on Super Bowl Sunday you’re surrounded by people who you actually like.
PRESIDENTIAL WIT & WISDOM (click here to buy the book)
(None on the weekends or holidays.)
“The separation of church and state is a source of strength but the conscience of our nation does not call for separation between men of state and faith in the Supreme Being.” – Lyndon B. Johnson
BIBLE VERSE OF THE DAY
“If you then, though you are evil, know how to give good gifts to your children, how much more will your Father in heaven give the Holy Spirit to those who ask for him.” — Luke 11:13
Let those who love the Lord hate evil, for he guards the lives of his faithful ones and delivers them from the hand of the wicked. — Psalm 97:10
O Lord, let your ear be attentive to the prayer of this your servant and to the prayer of your servants who delight in revering your name. Give your servant success today by granting him favor in the presence of this man. — Nehemiah 1:11
HEARTLIGHT DAILY VERSE, PRAYER & THOUGHT
No one has ever seen God; but if we love one another, God lives in us and his love is made complete in us. — 1 John 4:12
Thought: What an incredible thought! God can be seen in my home. The Father of the universe lives in my church. The Almighty God’s love is recognizable in my life. How so? When I love those around me, when they love me back, when we choose to be loving instead of petty, unforgiving, critical, and harsh, God’s presence, power, and perfection are revealed in us!
Prayer: O Father, please make your presence, power, and perfection known through my love for your children and their love for each other. In Jesus’ name I ask this. Amen.
The Thoughts and Prayers for Today’s Verse are written by Phil Ware. You can email questions or comments to email@example.com.
“BIRTHDAY VERSE” OF THE DAY (The chapter and verse correspond to the month and day!)
Ephesians 2:8 NIV = For it is by grace you have been saved, through faith—and this not from yourselves, it is the gift of God—
TODAY IS THURSDAY – FEBRUARY 08, 2018
(NOTE: Some holidays may be duplicated due to various calendars reporting conflicting dates)
WEIRD, WACKY, STRANGE, ZANY, ODD, BIZARRE, QUIRKY, UNUSUAL HOLIDAYS!
THERE ARE ONLY 320 SHOPPING DAYS UNTIL NEXT CHRISTMAS.
Today is SCIENCE FICTION DAY, the birthday of Jules Verne, the father of science fiction, on this date in 1828.
I have to admit that this one does seem pretty cruel – but it makes sense if you think about it. Today is DUMP YOUR SIGNIFICANT JERK DAY. The thing is, if you KNOW that this person is not for you, and you know you’re not going to marry them, why bother prolonging it – you’re just wasting your time and theirs! Of course, the secular view of this holiday is that you save money by not buying that person a card, candy, or flowers, but that’s just being a jerk yourself. Your significant other meant a lot to you for a time, the least you can do is be nice to them.
Today is LAUGH AND GET RICH DAY, a day to recognize laughter’s power to help workers be more effective, remember things better, and not change jobs as often. ***I laugh a lot as a radio personality – and hopefully I make other people laugh too, but I’ve yet to see any evidence of that “get rich” part. I must be doing something wrong.
TODAY IS ALSO…
COMING UP NEXT (Just a list, we are not endorsing the holidays posted below. Find more holidays and link to their websites at BrownieLocks.com)
FRIDAY, FEBRUARY 09
National Bagel Day
National Pizza Day
Read in the Bathtub Day
SATURDAY, FEBRUARY 10
All The News That’s Fit To Print Day
National Home Warranty Day
SUNDAY, FEBRUARY 11
Be Electrific Day
Don’t Cry Over Spilled Milk Day
International Day of Women and Girls in Science
Get Out Your Guitar Day
Pro Sports Wives Day
National Inventors Day
National Shut-in Visitation Day
Satisfied Staying Single Day
White Shirt Day or White T-shirt Day
World Day of The Sick
World Marriage Day
MONDAY, FEBRUARY 12
Clean Out Your Computer Day
Extraterrestrial Culture Day
Extraterrestrial Visitor Day
Paul Bunyan Day
Safety Pup Day
TUESDAY, FEBRUARY 13
Employee Legal Awareness Day
Get a Different Name Day
International Condom Day
International Pancake Day
Pancake Day Race
Madly In Love With Me Day
National Wingman’s Day
World Radio Day
WEDNESDAY, FEBRUARY 14
Ferris Wheel Day
International Book Giving Day
Frederick Douglass Day
League of Women Voters Day
Pet Theft Awareness Day
Library Lovers Day
National Have A Heart Day
National Donor Day
National Women’s Heart Day
Quirky Alone Day
Race Relations Day
Singles Awareness Day or Singles Appreciation Day
(World) Congenital Heart Defect Awareness Day
World Sound Healing Day
THURSDAY, FEBRUARY 15
Angelman Syndrome Day
Annoy Squidward Day (aka Your Boss)
National Gum Drop Day
National Hippo Day
Remember The Maine Day
Susan B. Anthony Day
Westminster Dog Show
ON THIS DAY
1587: Mary, Queen of Scots, was beheaded at Fotheringhay Castle in England after she was implicated in a plot to murder her cousin, Queen Elizabeth I. ***She was also uninvited from all future family events.
1883: Louis Waterman invented the fountain pen ***The perfect device for people who enjoyed writing in fountains.
1865: American YMCA director Lewis E. Jones was born . He wrote the enduring hymn, “Power in the Blood.”
1922: President Warren Harding had the first radio installed in the White House. ***He sat back and enjoyed listening to Casey Kasem count ’em down on “American Top 2.”
1926: The Walt Disney Studios were formed. ***It did pretty well, for a Mickey Mouse operation.
1960: Congress opened an investigation into widespread charges of “payola” that disc jockeys were being paid to play certain records. The accused included deejays Alan Freed and Dick Clark. Clark came through the scandal unscathed, but Freed never worked in radio again.
1968: The film “Planet of the Apes,” starring Charleton Heston, Roddy McDowell, and Kim Hunter, opened through the U.S. (audio clip)
1983: A man in Arizona was convicted of bigamy and having 105 wives. ***He also set the world record for the most amount of time never being right.
1986: Hosting “Saturday Night Live,” Ron Reagan sang “Old Time Rock & Roll” in his shorts.
1989: A reedited version of the movie “Lawrence of Arabia” opened in New York City. Director David Lean revealed that due to an earlier editing mistake, for 20 years the camels had been moving in the wrong direction and nobody noticed.
1990: Singer Del Shannon shot himself in the head with a .22 caliber rifle at his home in Santa Clarita, California. He was 50 years old. Shannon’s first and biggest hit was “Runaway,” number one in the U.S. for four weeks beginning April 24, 1961
1994: Actor Jack Nicholson attacked a car with a golf club.
1998: A rat grounded a 60-ton Swissair jetliner for two days until airline workers finally trapped it using cured ham as bait. Officials refused to say if the rat was traveling first class or coach.
2000: A man allegedly tricked Little Rock police into immediately searching for his stolen car by telling them that his daughter was asleep in the back seat. Police found the car in less than two hours. But the 30-year-old man was charged with a felony for filing a false police report. Police said he had no daughter.
2003: A romeo was stuck on the frozen roof for two hours after his romantic encounter was interrupted by his lover’s husband. The naked man climbed through the bedroom window when the husband arrived unexpectedly. The window lead on to the roof and the man was too scared to jump down so he was stuck for two hours in the middle of the night until a neighbor spotted him and called police.
2004: At the Grammy Awards, OutKast won album of the year for “Speakerboxxx-The Love Below” and Beyonce took home five Grammies, tying the record for female performers held by Lauryn Hill, Alicia Keyes and Norah Jones.
TODAY IN CHRISTIAN HISTORY
356: For the third time since the Council of Nicea in 325, Athanasius goes into exile. The defender of orthodoxy was out of favor as Arianism, a heresy condemned at the council, ran rampant throughout the Empire. He would be exiled twice more before he died.
1555: Rev. Laurence Saunders, minister of the Gospel of Jesus Christ, was burned at the stake in Coventry, England. On Sunday, October 15th of the previous year, Mr. Saunders had preached a sermon in his parish which caused such a commotion that the Bishop of London sent an officer to arrest him summarily in the afternoon of the same day. He continued in prison one year and three months. The time was spent writing letters to others of the faithful, and in witnessing to the guards and fellow prisoners. On this date, dressed only in an old gown and shirt, barefooted, he was marched to the place of execution, embraced the stake, kissed it, and said, “Welcome cross of Christ, welcome everlasting life.” Then fastened to the stake, after the application of the torch, he soon fell asleep in Jesus!
1587: Mary, Queen of Scots, is beheaded. Attempting to restore Catholicism to England, she began persecuting Protestants. But, largely thanks to the work of John Knox, her attempts failed.
1693: The College of William and Mary is founded in Williamsburg, Virginia. Originally intended to educate Anglican clergymen, it is America’s second-oldest higher education institution (Harvard is the oldest).
HOLLYWOOD, SPORTS AND CELEBRITY FIGURE BIRTHDAYS
actress/comedian (“SNL”) Cecily Strong, 34
actor (“Greg the Bunny,” The Italian Job, Dr. Evil’s son in the Austin Powers movies) Seth Green, 44
actress (Mrs. Ted Danson, Parenthood, Back to the Future III) Mary Steenburgen 65
actor (“The Office”) Creed Batton, 75
comedian/actor Robert Klein (How To Lose a Guy In 10 Days, Two Weeks Notice) 76
actor (Hulk, 48 Hours, Cape Fear) Nick Nolte 77
Newsman Ted Koppel, 78
(Music Artist Birthdays From SongFacts.com)
1919 : Buddy Morrow
1932 : John Williams
1936 : Larry Verne
1938 : Ray Sharpe
1940 : Brian Bennett (The Shadows)
1941 : Tom Rush
1943 : Creed Bratton (The Grass Roots)
1944 : Jim Capaldi (Traffic)
1946 : Adolpho ‘Fito’ de la Para (Canned Heat)
1946 : Paul Wheatbread (Gary Puckett and the Union Gap)
1948 : Dan Seals (England Dan & John Ford Coley)
1948 : Ron Tyson (The Temptations)
1950 : Ted Turner (Wishbone Ash)
1961 : Sam Llanas (The BoDeans)
1961 : Vince Neil (Motley Crue)
1971 : Will Turpin (Collective Soul)
1977 : Dave “Phoenix” Ferrel (Linkin Park)
SECRETS OF THE UNIVERSE (Answering questions that have plagued mankind for minutes!)
Why are auctioneers so hard to understand? Wouldn’t it make more sense to be very understandable?
There are several reasons for the strange patter. If the auction is confined to a single type of merchandise, such as tobacco, there may be references that only people in the business would understand. In general, auctioneers also speak quickly because often there’s lots of stuff to sell in a limited amount of time – it’s not a store where people shop at leisure over an extended period. But how about what sounds like gibberish? Those are the “filler” words, just a little excess verbiage to give people time to decide if they want to raise their bid, while the rhythm of the chant is psychologically designed to encourage them to do just that.
(None on weekends. Want a customizable version with your specific station tag, FREE? Email me for more information! )
NEW NEWS KICKERS…
(Not posted on weekends and U.S. holidays.)
45% of U.S. broadband households are very concerned about unauthorized access regarding smart home devices. ***After many who own Amazon’s Alexa were surprised when their box responded to the Alexa commercial during the Super Bowl, I can understand the concern!
A Michigan couple with 13 sons has a 14th child on the way in April, but they haven’t checked yet to see what the gender will be. ***Never mind knowing the gender – someone needs to check and make sure these people know how babies are made.
Winter Olympics security personnel are battling a vomiting virus, which has them calling in the military for backup. ***If not cleared up in time for the games, changes will be made to include an event called “Projectile Vomiting For Distance”.
Electronics giant Best Buy plans to discontinue selling CDs. ***Well, so long as they don’t stop selling 8-Track tapes, that’s all I care about.
Japanese scientists may have finally discovered a cure for baldness and, believe it or not, it comes from a chemical used to make McDonald’s fries. A stem cell research team from Yokohama National University have used a “simple” method to regrow hair on mice with a silicone (dimethylpolysiloxane) added to McDonald’s fries to stop cooking oil from frothing. Tests have indicated the method is likely to be just as successful when transferred to human skin cells. ***Of course, the bigger takeaway here is that there is silicone in McDonald’s fries!
A San Diego Girl Scout sold 312 boxes of cookies in six hours recently after setting up shop outside a California pot dispensary. ***Somebody needs to give this girl a job in marketing.
Another study, another worst-traffic in the country title for Los Angeles. ***Although Chicago is asking for a recount.
A beauty contest in Kazakhstan was thrown into chaos after one of the finalists revealed he’s actually a man. It seems 22-year-old Ilay Dyagilev fooled organizers by posing as Alina Alieva and beating out 4,000 other applicants to the last stage of the competition. Ilay later said, “My friends and I, we had a debate on beauty, and I decided to take part in the pageant. I’ve always been a champion of natural beauty. You can see that many young women look identical, the same make-up, the same style – and they believe that they are beautiful if they follow trends. I don’t think so.” In the end he decided to tell officials of Miss Virtual Kazakhstan that they had been conned, as had online voters from all over the country. Organizers say they were shocked and quickly replaced him with an alternate. ***Boy are they going to be ticked when they learn the truth about their replacement, Ru Paul!
A tour bus transporting members of the “Dancing with the Stars: Live! Light Up The Night” cast and crew was involved in a multi-car crash Monday evening. ***Be looking for “Crashing With The Stars” on ABC!
A Texas student is in trouble after hiring a stripper to perform at his middle school and paying with his parents’ credit card. ***The boy’s gym teacher was the one who finally reported it – after watching the entire performance to make absolutely sure she was actually a stripper. You can never be too careful, ya know.
There are a lot of kids who don’t want to go to school. Then there’s Andrew Turner IV. The 17-year-old from Derry Township, PA will be charged as an adult after allegedly getting in an argument with his father over school attendance, and then stabbing him with a sword. Officers were responding to a call about a man in the street with a bloody shirt, holding his abdomen. The victim told responding officers that he was having an argument with his son over his son’s poor school attendance when his son stabbed him in the stomach with a sword. The victim said his son also had thrown a small refrigerator, a barbell full of weights and other items down the stairs. After the stabbing, the victim ran to relatives for help. Andrew Turner IV was found in a wooded area near the scene and was charged as an adult with aggravated assault, simple assault and harassment. ***Really? You just stabbed your father with a sword… how about adding attempted murder to that list?!!
A bank robber in Italy was convicted after police matched his DNA to the gold teeth knocked out when a van hit the fleeing suspect. ***Officer Karma – always on the job!
With the purchase of another apartment, Taylor Swift has now spent almost $50 million on places in a New York block. ***If you keep buying up properties on a single block, won’t that cause bad blood with your neighbors?
NEWS KICKER EVERGREENS…
(Not posted on weekends and U.S. holidays.)
An Oregon funeral home in Eugene offers natural burials where the ride to the person’s final resting place is on the back of a three-wheeled bicycle. Sunset Hills Cemetery and Funeral Home director Wade Lind says he got the idea from bikers and designed the pedal-powered hearse himself. It has an electric motor to give him a little help hauling the casket. Lind has bicycled five bodies so far and there’s a waiting list for the service. The ride and a bamboo casket that looks like a basket costs about $3,500. ***The only way I’m allowing myself to be delivered to the cemetery in a bicycle basket is if I can pay an extra buck-fifty to put a playing card in-between the spokes to make it sound like a motorcycle.
Think drivers in your town are bad? Well, they probably are – but they’re not the only ones. According to a national driver’s test survey, roughly 18 million currently licensed drivers in the United States would flunk a state driver’s test if they took it today. ***Everyone interviewed say they drive perfectly though, it’s everyone else who drives like idiots.
Attention, men! Stop thinking she’ll never leave you because you’re so amazing… she will, and she has someone waiting in the wings. 43% of women say they have a Mr. Plan B, according to a new survey, and the most likely candidate is an ‘old friend.’ Yes, the guy she claims is ‘just like a brother to her.’ Other candidates are an ex-boyfriend, ex-husband, colleagues, or someone she met in the gym. To make you feel better, one in 10 have already confessed their undying love for her and say they would ‘drop everything for her.’ ***Now, go out and have a nice day.
According to research (American Time Use Survey and Pew Research Center), parents together now spend 27.6 hours a week on chores, down from 36.3 in 1965. Some of their new free time is being spent on their children. They spend 20.8 hours a week on child care, up from 12.7 in 1965. ***Most of which is caring for sniffles, colds, and flu, because the house is always dirty now.
Google’s management claims our children may have to change their names to escape their ‘cyber past’. He says the private lives of young people are now so well documented on the internet that many will have to change their names on reaching adulthood. They suggested that young people should be entitled to change their identity to escape their misspent youth, which is now recorded in excruciating detail on social networking sites such as Facebook. ***THOSE grades? No, those lousy grades can’t be mine… that was some guy named John Smith. My name is Shmon Jith!
AS THE JUNGLE TURNS
(Not updated on weekends and U.S. holidays.)
CLICK HERE TO DOWNLOAD THURSDAY’S EPISODE
OPEN: And now, FancyMonkey.com, (Show Name), and (Station Call Letters) bring you As the Jungle Turns! Last time, all of the jungle animals, not being able to figure out what to do with their day, decided to leave the decision up to a new animal… a small lion. And because lions are known as “the king of the jungle” they left the decision up to the little lion as to what to do… and he wanted lunch!
CLOSE: I know it’s good to be the king, and the animals think that they need a king to make decisions, but it doesn’t look as if the little lion has much of an idea on what to do with his royal position! Find out what happens next time, As the Jungle Turns!
***You may simulcast “As the Jungle Turns” on the Internet stream of your live broadcast only. Any other Internet use of “As the Jungle Turns” in whole or part including podcasting of your live broadcast is a violation of copyright law. Thank you for your cooperation on this vitally important issue. If you have any questions, please e-mail us and ask about “Jungle Jam & Friends the Radio Show” usage.
MOMENT OF DUH
It’s best not to rob the same place at which you’re applying for a job.
Las Vegas police have accused Alejandro Martinez of robbing a pizza parlor. And what led them to suspect Martinez? Before pulling off the heist, Martinez asked for a job application. When he felt the moment was right, he put down the pen, produced a gun and took off with cash. What he didn’t take off with was the job application with his name and address on it. ***MARLAR: This pizza place is lucky – if he hadn’t pulled a gun to rob them, they might’ve hired him and ended up with someone this stupid actually on staff!
TOP TEN THINGS FLIGHT ATTENDANTS DON’T WANT TO HEAR
1. I PROBABLY FLY MORE THAN YOU DO.
2. SO DOES THAT MEAN THE ALCOHOL IS FREE?
3. YOU’RE HOLDING US HOSTAGE!
4. ARE THERE ANY FIRST CLASS SEATS AVAILABLE?
5. CAN YOU HELP ME GET MY BAG IN THE OVERHEAD BIN?
6. WHAT DO YOU MEAN THERE’S NO FOOD?
7. ON MY LAST FLIGHT…
8. HERE, TAKE THIS DIAPER.
9. WHEN DO WE GET THERE? (During boarding)
10. WHERE ARE WE?
THE FILES OF LAW & DISORDER
Elvis has left the driveway.
FILE #1: Minneapolis-area resident Jon Kittelsen thought it would be a good idea to mount a painting of Elvis Presley on a saw horse at the end of his driveway to welcome guests to a fundraiser at his home. However, this was no ordinary Elvis painting, but a $15,000 portrait. No word on if guests found the place because thieves apparently said, ‘thank you very much’ and helped themselves to the painting and drove away with Elvis.
FILE #2: Brian Waltermyer walked into the Integrity Bank in York County, PA, wearing a hood. As he approached the teller, carrying a note demanding money, the teller asked him to remove the hood – bank policy. So he did, giving the bank surveillance cameras a crystal clear view of his face. Waltermyer was arrested on Monday. Maybe he’ll get points for adhering to bank policy.
FILE #3: Sometimes God even works in the lives of criminals… to bring them to justice! Jada Coover of Sioux City Iowa was scheduled to appear in court on charges of attempting to tamper with anhydrous ammonia, which is used to make methamphetamine. He was tooling around town on the day of his court appearance, apparently not intending to show up for court, in a truck suspected of being in a hit and run. Police spotted the truck and started to pursue him. So the brilliant mind of Jada thought, “I’ll run from police and then hide in a court house,” which he did. Coover hastily parked the truck and ran into the courthouse and tried to barricade himself in a courtroom. The exact same courtroom he was scheduled to appear in that day!
STRANGE LAW: In California it is illegal to set a mouse trap without a hunting license.
THIS IS YOUR BRAIN ON DRUGS
“This Is Your Brain On Drugs” is about people doing dumb things under the influence, but addiction is no laughing matter. If you or someone you know needs help, there’s a toll free number you can call 1-800-438-0380. That’s the Addiction Hope and Help Line at 1-800-438-0380.
Seatbelts are for beer – not for kids!
In St. Augustine, Florida, police have arrested 46-year-old Tina Williams for apparently caring more about the safety of her beer than the safety of kids! Tina was initially stopped for running a red light but when officers came up to her car they found a 24-pack of Busch beer strapped in passenger seat with a seat belt but a 16-month-old girl unrestrained in the back seat! Also in the backseat was 20-year-old Amber Tedrick, the toddler’s mother. Tina said she didn’t know why the child wasn’t restrained. She also refused to take a breath test and a deputy found two metal pipes commonly used to smoke drugs in her purse. She was charged with DUI, child abuse, possession of drug paraphernalia and driving without a license. The beer was unharmed.
Valentine’s Day is right around the corner, and that means the chick flicks are coming out of the video cabinets for a nice romantic evening. In your opinion, what is THE most romantic movie of all time?
BIBLE BRAIN BUSTER!
QUESTION: What was the name of Timothy’s mother?
ANSWER: Eunice (2 Timothy 1:5)
QUESTION: Thirty-five percent of people placing personal ads have this in common.
ANSWER: They’re already married
TRUE OR FALSE
Pay attention! If our next player doesn’t answer all ten T/F questions correctly we start all over from question #1! First person to answer question #10 correctly is our winner!
1. The Jordanian city Amman was once called Philadelphia. (True)
2. The largest body of fresh water in the world is Lake Michigan. (False – Lake Superior)
3. The largest desert in the world, the Sahara, is 3,500 square miles. (False – it’s 3,500,000 square miles!)
4. Close to 250,000 people in the U.S. are expected to be 100 years old in the year 2030. (False – it’s closer to 324,000)
5. The average adult in one day speaks 48,000 words. (True. He also exercises seven million brain cells, takes 23,000 breaths, laughs 15 times, and his/her heart beats 104,000 times.)
6. The Nile catfish swims upside down. (True)
7. From the 1850s to the 1880s, the most common cause of death among cowboys in the American West was alcohol poisoning… drinking themselves to death. (False – believe it or not, it was being dragged by a horse while caught in the stirrups.)
8. Table salt is made by driving water into a salt mine. (True – they then evaporate the brine that is formed, leaving dried crystals that look like granulated sugar.)
9. The second is defined as being 9,192,631,770 times the time it takes for a cesium-133 atom to swap hyperfine levels in its ground state. (True… is your head about to explode from trying to make any sense out of that question?)
10. The Greek national anthem has 158 verses. (True)
TABLOID MATCH GAME
You have to match the blank in the tabloid headline with the word or phrase that has been removed!
WOMAN MARRIES ______ (BUILDING)
SEATTLE – A woman has decided to marry a 107-year-old building. She already has a “civil union” with the building.
Babylonia Aivaz’s has been in love with the 107-year-old building, for years but she has to have a “quickie” wedding because demolition of the warehouse has already begun.
–Babylonia says she hopes to save the abandoned building for a community center. The Occupy activist has to stand up to developer Seawest, which would rather use the space for a luxury apartment complex. Aivaz firmly opposes this act of gentrification, which she says would hit the poorer members of the neighborhood with increased rent.
“If corporations can have rights as people, so can buildings,” the “bride” told American Komonews, referencing a Supreme Court decision on political advertising. “I’m doing this to show the building how much I love it, how much I love community space and how much I love this neighborhood. And I want to stop it from gentrification.”
Aivaz says she fell head over heals with the building after joining a protest inside the building last month.
THE WAY TOO EARLY IN THE MORNING TO UNDERSTAND THE PUNCHLINE EVEN AFTER TWO CUPS OF COFFEE JOKE OF THE DAY
A police officer sees a man driving around with a pickup truck full of penguins. He pulls the guy over and says, “You can’t drive around with penguins in this town! Take them to the zoo immediately.”
The guy says okay, and drives away.
The next day, the officer sees the guy still driving around with the truck full of penguins — and they’re all wearing sunglasses. He pulls the guy over and demands, “I thought I told you to take these penguins to the zoo yesterday?”
The guy replies, “I did – and they loved it. Today I’m taking them to the beach!”
There was once an aspiring veterinarian who put himself through veterinary school working nights as a taxidermist. Upon graduation, he decided he could combine his two vocations to better serve the needs of his patients and their owners, while doubling his practice and, therefore, his income. He opened his own offices with a shingle on the door saying, “Dr. Jones, Veterinary Medicine and Taxidermy — Either way, you get your dog back!”
Just after the maid had been fired, she took five bucks from her purse and threw it to Fido, the family dog. When asked why by her former employer, she answered:
“I never forget a friend. This was for helping me clean the dishes all the time!”
Researchers have found that human sweat contains potent agents that fight off germs and infections. ***So the question is would you rather be disease free, or odor free. (audio clip)
This week in history, back in 1985, the French mineral water company, Perrier, debuted its first new product in 123 years: sparkling water with a twist of lemon, lime or orange. ***If you didn’t know it already, “Perrier” is the French word for “Let’s see how much we can get those idiot Americans to pay for water.”
The police recently arrested a man selling “secret formula” tablets he claimed gave eternal youth. When going through their files they noticed it was the fifth time he was caught for committing this same criminal medical fraud. He had earlier been arrested in 1794, 1856, 1928 and 1983….
IT MUST BE TRUE BECAUSE I HEARD IT ON THE RADIO!
Think you got money troubles? Whatever it is, it ain’t nothing compared to the troubles one Frenchman has!
A car salesman in Nantes, France, has sued the government because he’s allergic to money. Serge Bouzy claims in his lawsuit that the ink that the French government uses for printing its currency makes him sick. He seeks damages for past illnesses and wants the government to change the ink. ***MARLAR: I think he’s just sick of not having the money.
HONESTY, THE BEST POLICY
A man entered a diesel-repair shop, said he was a driver from a trucking fleet and suggested, “How about adding a few extra parts to the bill? We’ll let the company pay for it, and you and I can split the difference?”
The shop owner refused, but the customer was insistent. “I come through here a lot,” the man continued. “We could make quite a bit of money.” But the shop owner said that wasn’t how he operated.
“Everyone does it!” the man yelled. “Are you some kind of fool?”
Burning mad, the owner of the shop asked the truck driver to leave and take his business elsewhere.
Suddenly the trucker smiled and extended his hand for a handshake. “I own a trucking company,” he said. “I’ve been looking for a mechanic I can trust, and I’m not taking my business anywhere else but here!”
Honestly is the best policy.
DRIVE TIME DEVOTIONAL
Richard De Haan
Abide in Him, that when He appears, we may have confidence and not be ashamed before Him at His coming. – 1 John 2:28
When I was a boy, my father often traveled to other cities to speak at churches and Bible conferences. Sometimes my mother would accompany him, leaving my brother and me alone for a few days. We enjoyed being independent, but we detested doing the dishes.
I remember the time we tried to put off that dreaded chore as long as possible by stacking all the dirty plates, glasses, and silverware in the oven after each meal. At the end of the week, there was hardly any room left. Then, on the evening before Mom and Dad were to return, we rolled up our sleeves and cleaned up the whole mess. It took hours! How ashamed we would have been if our parents had come back earlier than we expected.
Because we don’t know exactly when Christ will return (Matthew 24:36,42,44), we must not get lazy in our Christian walk. The expectancy of His any-moment appearance should help us to be “faithful and wise” servants (v.45) and to live in a way that “we may have confidence and not be ashamed” when He comes (1 John 2:28).
Yes, Christ will come again, just as He promised. Perhaps today! Do you have any “dirty dishes”? Now is the time to get ready.
Faithful and true would He find us here
If He should come today?
Watching in gladness and not in fear,
If He should come today. —Morris
Live as if Christ is coming back today.
HERE’S HOPING YOU DON’T GET THIS JUDGE!
A New York judge tossed out a $50 million lawsuit by a Goldman Sachs bond trader who contended the company fired him illegally for dating a co-worker. State Supreme Court Justice Beatrice Shainswit ruled that Thomas R. Hudson was not fired for the girlfriend, but said he was probably fired to keep him from getting a $5 million bonus he would have received a few weeks after his termination date. ***MARLAR: Well, in that case it’s okay.
LIFE… LIVE IT
BREAKING YOUR HEART A FEW DAYS EARLY
Be extra careful this coming Sunday before Valentine’s Day, you don’t want an unfortunate accident to ruin this year’s celebration…
…Sunday is the big day for accidents. According to a new survey, you are ten percent more likely to hurt yourself and end up in the hospital on a Sunday than on any other day. Household accidents cause a million injuries and 5000 deaths per year, with more of them happening on a Sunday night.
JUST FOR FUN
SUPER BOWL MONDAY…
As you probably heard, HEINZ gave all of their employees the day off on Monday after the Super Bowl – and they plan on continuing to do it every year. They’re also hoping it will become a trend so the rest of the nation will follow suit and make Super Bowl Monday a national holiday. While it’s not a totally bad idea, it is a bit ridiculous to give everyone a day off just because of a sporting event the day before. If it’s that easy to get a holiday, here are a few more suggestions…
Annual “Week after Thanksgiving When I’m Bloated And Wish I Hadn’t Eaten So Much” Week. ***If I have to feel like that, I at least want to feel like that on my couch!
Annual “Day After Groundhog’s Day” Day. ***If I wake up and see my shadow, I shouldn’t have to go in to work.
December 26th. ***When else are we going to return all of the crud we received for Christmas that we don’t want to keep?
Easter Monday. ***It’s not fair to anyone that a national holiday always falls on a Sunday. We need to get at least ONE day off for it.
Veterans Day. ***All veterans get the day off with pay… period. If you have veterans in your family, that counts too. And so does ever watching a war movie. Or even thinking about watching one. Or owning a G.I. Joe action figure.
13 THINGS YOUR FLORIST WON’T TELL YOU
(From Readers Digest)
Sure, you can order flowers at 3 a.m. from 1-800-Flowers, FTD, or Teleflora. But they’ll charge you $15 and then just call us.
Most flower shops restock on Monday mornings, so that’s the time to place an order. Fridays and Saturdays are good days to ask what’s on special.
Out of preservative? Try this: one fourth 7Up, three fourths water, and two or three drops of bleach.
Ask for a discount. We give one to senior citizens, professional groups, and customers we like.
The trick to making flowers last: Cut the stems at an angle and change the water at least every other day. And use the floral preservative we give you, not copper pennies.
Don’t forget to wash the vase with soap when you change the water. Otherwise, the bacteria clinging to the sides will contaminate your new water.
How fresh is your rose? Look closely at the bottom of the blossom and see how many outside petals have been removed. The more ripped petals you see, the older it is.
That cheap glass vase that came with your bouquet? Most of us will gladly recycle it if you return it.
Fruit is the enemy. It emits ethylene gas, so even in a separate bowl a few inches away, it’s a surefire flower killer.
Yes, your flowers look beautiful in the window, but the heat from direct sunlight will kill them in a day or two.
You can buy the cheaper Valentine’s Day roses at the gas station. But they may droop or lose petals the next day. They were probably cut weeks ago and put in cold storage.
It’s not your nose. Many flowers today don’t have much scent, because growers are breeding for long stems and a lengthy vase life instead.
We didn’t choose February. If it were up to us, Valentine’s Day would be in the summer, when roses are actually in season.
MORE SHOW PREP STUFF…
Hate having allergies? Most people do – but it appears having allergies might also be beneficial for your brain!
New research shows people who have allergies are less likely to develop brain cancer. The study published in the journal Cancer Epidemiology, Biomarkers & Prevention found the more allergies a person had, the less likely they were to develop gliomas, the most common type of brain tumor. Experts aren’t sure exactly why there’s a link. Researchers say it didn’t matter what type of allergies people had — seasonal, pet, or food — they all seemed to have a protective effect against brain cancer.
OTHER STUFF I WANT TO CRAM INTO TODAY’S PREP
(Not posted on weekends and U.S. holidays.)
New research from the University of Florida Health Department has some interesting new data to file away for next year’s Super Bowl. Apparently your chance of choking is ten times greater during the big game – especially if you’re the NEW ENGLAND PATRIOTS!! (Sorry – couldn’t resist). Seriously, Dr. Asim Shuja and his team found people are up to ten times more likely to choke on their food during holidays and major sporting events like the Super Bowl. It’s mainly because that’s when people tend to mindlessly consume massive quantities of food – also often at a high speed. It’s a lesson learned the hard way by former President George W. Bush, who briefly fainted and bruised his face in 2001 after he choked on a pretzel while watching a football game. Men in the study were more likely to choke, usually on meats like turkey and chicken. Experts advise slowing down, take smaller bites and enjoying your meal, along with the big game. (KWQC)
(PERENNIAL) When is it time to go back to work if you’ve had the flu? The consensus among experts is that you’re contagious one day before symptoms begin, and five to seven days after becoming ill. If you have a weakened immune system you may be infectious for a bit longer. And if you develop a complication from the flu, like pneumonia, that may extend the contagious period a week or two. The general rule: Stay put until you’ve been fever-free for more than 24 hours without the assistance of temperature reducing medicine. (Women’s Health)
A new technology that could eventually see every childhood vaccine delivered in a single injection has been developed by US researchers. Their one-shot solution stores the vaccine in microscopic capsules that release the initial dose and then boosters at specific times. So in other words, you would conceivably get one shot to handle diphtheria, tetanus, whooping cough, polio, Hib, hepatitis, pneumococcal, Men B, Hib/Men C, measles, mumps and rubella! A team at Massachusetts Institute of Technology has designed a new type of micro-particle that look like miniature coffee cups filled with vaccine and then sealed with a lid. The design of the cups can be altered so they break down and spill their contents at just the right time. Researcher Dr. Kevin McHugh said, “In the developing world, that might be the difference between not getting vaccinated and receiving all of your vaccines in one shot.” ***And NO… it will NOT give you autism.
Better compliment her hairstyle because it’s worth a whopping $70,000, says a recent study. That’s the price of styling her hair over a lifetime, when you count washing, cutting, styling, coloring, curling and/or straightening her locks, either at home or in the salon. And women spend nearly two years of their lives — 650 days creating a “salon look” in their own bathrooms over the course of their lifetimes. The average lady spends 41 minutes every day washing, styling and restyling her tresses. At the beauty parlor, a woman lays out an average of $566.12 a year for cuts and coloring. There’s also $227.40 a year for shampoos and conditioners and $316 a year for home-styling products.
If you really want to get a jolt, forget the coffee and go outside. That’s the surprising result of a University of Rochester study in which 20 minutes of outdoor activity was shown to invigorate people more than a cup of java. “Nature is fuel for the soul,” declares psychology professor Richard Ryan. “Often when we feel depleted we reach for a cup of coffee but this suggests a better way to get energized is to connect with nature.” Researchers conducted a series of experiments on 537 students in which their energy levels and moods were measured in various situations inside and outside. And they found a “massive” increase in vitality after 20 minutes of outdoor activity. “Nature is something within which we flourish,” says Ryan. “So having it become a part of our lives is critical.” ***I’m not taking any chances though – so I’m plugging in my Mr. Coffee maker outside on patio.
Job seekers may think they’re the only ones sweating the job interview — afraid they’ll say the wrong thing or answer inappropriately — but hiring managers are under just as much pressure. There are a number of questions interviewers are legally not allowed to ask, but sometimes the parameters are not clear. For example, in an attempt to make a candidate feel at ease, the interviewer might innocently ask him, “What does your wife do?” Wrong! It’s illegal to ask if someone is married, even using a backdoor approach like this. According to CareerBuilder.com, 20 percent of hiring managers admitted in a nationwide survey conducted by Harris Poll that they asked a question in a job interview they found out later was illegal to ask. Ten interview questions that are illegal to ask:
What is your religious affiliation?
Are you pregnant?
What is your political affiliation?
What is your race, color or ethnicity?
How old are you?
Are you disabled?
Are you married?
Do you have children or plan to?
Are you in debt?
Do you social drink or smoke?
“It’s important for both interviewer and interviewee to understand what employers do and don’t have a legal right to ask in a job interview — for both parties’ protection,” says Rosemary Haefner, chief human resources officer at CareerBuilder. “Though their intentions may be harmless, hiring managers could unknowingly be putting themselves at risk for legal action, as a job candidate could argue that certain questions were used to discriminate against him or her.”
(Feel-good stories! Only posted as new stories come available. Not posted on weekends and U.S. holidays.)
Talk about a great first day at work! In Hobart, Indiana, rookie police officer Richard Mayer saved a child’s life his first day on the job. Around noon Mayer and his fellow officers had just sat down to lunch at a Chik-fil-A where Melanie Hassee was also eating lunch with her 15-month-old daughter, Charlotte. Shortly after Officer Mayer sat down, Melanie rushed over to the table holding her daughter in her arms, saying she wasn’t breathing and thought she was choking. Mayer said the child “looked purple in the face.” He quickly flipped the child over and he and another officer did three or four back slaps which dislodged an apple from the girl’s throat and she began breathing again. Hassee later said, “I’m just so thankful he was there at the right time. I don’t think this was a coincidence that this was his first day. I think he was meant to be somebody who protects and who saves and I’m just so thankful for him.” Officer Mayer says he has a 1-year-old daughter of his own and has actually used this same baby Heimlich maneuver on her before. (WGN TV NEWS)
(Only posted as stories come available. Not posted on weekends and U.S. holidays.)
Brittany Cloyd is like plenty of other 27-year-olds: married with a mortgage, student loan payments, and less than $1,000 in the bank. So a $12,596 hospital bill came as a severe blow. Oh, Cloyd has insurance, but it didn’t end up doing her much good when she went to Frankfort Regional Medical Center’s emergency room last July with “potentially lethal” symptoms: Her mother, a former nurse, thought Cloyd’s fever and abdominal pain could be signs her appendix had burst or was about to. Tests showed it was actually ovarian cysts, which she’d need to see her gynecologist about. Then came word that her insurer, Anthem, wouldn’t cover the ER visit because – it wasn’t really an emergency! So it kind of comes down to the diagnostic code, meaning if severe chest pain ends up being indigestion, not a heart attack, the patient could be on the hook. However one ER doc said, “it’s not fair to expect the patient [to come] in knowing their diagnosis.” The good news is Cloyd had the denial reversed after she appealed twice. But the bad news is she says she won’t go to an ER ever again unless she’s forced to. (VOX)
AND I LEAVE YOU WITH THIS THOUGHT
Why does a slight tax increase cost you two hundred dollars and a substantial tax cut save you thirty cents?
“When more and more people are thrown out of work, unemployment results” – Calvin Coolidge, Former U.S. President
“A converted cannibal is one who, on Friday, eats only fishermen.” – Emily Lotney
“The old believe everything, the middle-aged suspect everything, the young know everything.”- Oscar Wilde
THE TICKET Movie Reviews with MARIE ASNER
Marie Asner has been reviewing films for over 35 years. Her outlets include radio, print and Internet. For more in-depth movie reviews of the following films, visit www.Tollbooth.org. Ratings from 1 (Low) to 5 (High).
Winchester—This western stars Helen Mirren in an unusual role as the heir to the Winchester rifle fortune. This money doesn’t rest easy on her and she starts to believe she is being haunted by the people who were killed by these rifles. Hmm. Also in the cast is Jason Clarke. “Winchester” is rated R. No rating.
Scorched Earth—Sean Bean was originally set to star in this film, but then it was re-written to have a woman in the lead, Gina Carena, known here as Atticus Page.. It is science fiction set in a world after a great war and there are bounty hunters. Also in the cast are John Hannah, Stephanie Bennett and Patrick Gilmore. “Scorched Earth” is rated R. No rating.
FEBRUARY 09, 2018…
50 Shades Freed has Jamie Doman and Dakota Johnson back reprising their roles in this Adult Film. Rated R.
Monster Family is another animated film for this week about a mother and daughter who run into problems. Voice of Emily Watson.
*Check the website of Phantom Tollbooth at www.tollbooth.org for Oscar Picks. Academy Awards are the evening of Sunday, March 4, 2018.
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WARNING: Don’t believe anything you read on the Internet or email (including stuff you read here) unless you can confirm it with another source, and/or it is consistent with what you already know to be true. The opinions in this publication are not necessarily those of Darren Marlar, Marlar House Productions, or any company or organization affiliated with aforementioned. (Regardless of how stupid you may think those opinions are. So there – nyah!)
Darren Marlar credits all non-original material to the author whenever possible. All other material is original, used with permission, or author unknown. We welcome all comments, questions, and suggestions. Darren can be reached via his website at www.DarrenMarlar.com.