February 09, 2016: Tuesday ONAIRprep

***RADIO ISN’T DEAD – From RadioIsntDead.com

***DAILY DOSE OF WEIRD NEWS – FREE TO AIR! (Contact me to sign up!)

***CREATION MOMENTS MINUTE – FREE TO AIR! (Contact me to sign up!)

 

PRINTER FRIENDLY VERSION: 20160209

 

 

WELCOME TO THE SHOW!

I love radio. Radio is my life, my lover, my muse, my ticket to the big time. It also pays for my coffee addiction.

 

NEWSFLASH: Mankind’s intelligence is decreasing. Details at … uh … when the big hand is on the…

 

 

BIBLE VERSE OF THE DAY

“I have set my rainbow in the clouds, and it will be the sign of the covenant between me and the earth.”  –Genesis 9:13

 

He who pursues righteousness and love finds life, prosperity, and honor. — Proverbs 21:21

 

Peter and John replied, “Judge for yourselves whether it is right in God’s sight to obey you rather than God. For we cannot help speaking about what we have seen and heard.” — Acts 4:19-20

 

 

HEARTLIGHT DAILY VERSE, PRAYER & THOUGHT

(From VerseOfTheDay.com)

Once you were alienated from God … but now he has reconciled you by Christ’s physical body through death to present you holy in his sight, without blemish and free from accusation. — Colossians 1:22

 

Thought: “Christians aren’t perfect, just forgiven!” You’ve probably seen this bumper sticker or something similar. In one sense this is absolutely true. But, from God’s point of view, Christians ARE perfect. That’s the incredible message Paul gives the Colossians. Because of Jesus’ sacrifice, God does not see our imperfections. He sees us through Christ’s perfection. Look at these concepts and marvel! Look at how God views you and give thanks! Be humbled by God’s grace to us in Jesus and rejoice! Holy, without blemish, and free from accusation — there’s nothing left to say but “Hallelujah!”

 

Prayer: Father, thank you for providing the sacrifice that makes me clean. Thank you for seeing my worth through the perfection of Jesus and his sacrifice. Thank you, Lord Jesus, for paying off my debt to sin and for sharing your perfection with me. May my life today, and everyday, more closely resemble the perfection you have given me by your grace. In the name of my Savior Jesus, I pray. Amen.

 

The Thoughts and Prayers for Today’s Verse are written by Phil Ware. You can email questions or comments to phil@heartlight.org.

 

 

BIRTHDAY VERSE” OF THE DAY

The chapter and verse corresponds to the month and the day!

1 Corinthians 2:9 NIV = However, as it is written: No eye has seen, no ear has heard, no mind has conceived what God has prepared for those who love him

 

 

TODAY IS SUNDAY – FEBRUARY 08, 2016

(NOTE: Some holidays may be duplicated due to various calendars reporting conflicting dates)
WEIRD, WACKY, STRANGE, ZANY, ODD, BIZARRE, QUIRKY, UNUSUAL HOLIDAYS!
THERE ARE ONLY 320 SHOPPING DAYS UNTIL CHRISTMAS.   

 

Today is EXTRATERRESTRIAL CULTURE DAY, honoring past, present, and future extraterrestrial visitors.  *** And if that doesn’t sound odd or strange to you, you are more than likely a space case yourself.

 

Today is FISH & WILDLIFE DAY. *** In FEBRUARY?!?!  Who wants to go fishing or hunting when it’s 10 degrees outside?

 

Today is NATIONAL HOOKY DAY.  *** Kind of appropriate that it would come on Fish & Wildlife Day, isn’t it?  Seeing as it’s usually fishing that guys play hooky in order to do!

 

Today is NATIONAL BAGELS AND LOX DAY.  *** What exactly is a “lox” anyway?

 

Today is NATIONAL TOOTHACHE DAY and ST. APOLLONIA’S DAY, honoring the patron saint of dentists and people with toothaches.  *** Holy cow… is there anything in this world that doesn’t have a patron saint?  Is there a patron saint of bagels and lox too?

 

 

TODAY IS ALSO. . .

Mardi Gras

National Stop Bullying Day

National Pizza Day

Paczki Day

Read in the Bathtub Day

Safer Internet Day

Toothache Day

Extraterrestrial Culture Day

Extraterrestrial Visitor Day

International Pancake Day

 

 

COMING UP NEXT

WEDNESDAY, FEBRUARY 10

Plimsoll Day

All The News That’s Fit To Print Day

 

THURSDAY, FEBRUARY 11

Be Electrific Day

Don’t Cry Over Spilled Milk Day

Get Out Your Guitar Day

Make a Friend Day

Pro Sports Wives Day

National Shut-In Visitation Day

Satisfied Staying Single Day

White Shirt Day (White T-shirt Day)

World Day of the Sick

 

FRIDAY, FEBRUARY 12

Lincoln’s Birthday

Oglethorpe Day

Paul Bunyan Day (Born Feb 12, 1834 in Bangor, ME)

Safety Pup Day

 

SATURDAY, FEBRUARY 13

Desperation Day

Employee Legal Awareness Day

Galentine’s Day

Get a Different Name Day

Madly In Love With me Day

World Radio Day

World Whale Day

 

SUNDAY, FEBRUARY 14

Autism Day

Batman Sticker Day

Ferris Wheel Day

International Book Giving Day

Frederick Douglass Day

Pet Theft Awareness Day (***If it requires a special day set aside to make you aware your pet has been stolen, you don’t deserve to have a pet at all.)

Library Lovers Day

National Have a heart Day

Congenital Heart Defect Awareness Day

League of Women Voters Day

National Women’s Heart Day

Race Relations Day

Singles Awareness Day (Singles Appreciation Day)

National Donor Day

Quirky Alone Day

Valentine’s Day

World Marriage Day

 

MONDAY, FEBRUARY 15

Clean Out Your Computer Day

Angelman Syndrome Day

Grammy Awards

Lupercalia

National Gum Drop Day

National Hippo Day

Presidents Day

Remember the Maine Day

Susan B. Anthony Day

 

TUESDAY, FEBRUARY 16

Kyoto Protocol Day

National Almond Day

 

 

ON THIS DAY

1825: The U. S. House of Representatives elected John Quincy Adams president after no candidate won a majority of electoral votes.

 

1869: The horsecycle was patented. It was a bicycle that looked like a horse; and supposedly it wouldn’t scare horses that you met along the road.

 

1942: Daylight-saving ”war time” went into effect in the United States, with clocks turned one hour forward.

 

1942: The Philadelphia Phillies changed their name to the Phils. Fans continued to call them the Phillies..

 

1953: “The Adventures of Superman” debuted in television syndication. In the original episode, with destruction of the planet Krypton eminent, Jor-El and his wife Lara sent their infant son Kal-El to Earth in a small rocket, where he was discovered and reared by Eben and Sarah Kent. They named their adopted son Clark.

 

1964: The G.I. Joe doll debuted.

 

1964: In their first live American TV appearance, the Beatles drew 73.7-million viewers to The Ed Sullivan Show. They were paid $2,400 to sing “All My Loving,” “Till There Was You,” “She Loves You,” “I Saw Her Standing There,” and “I Want To Hold Your Hand.”

 

1971: Pitcher Satchel Paige became the first Negro League player elected the baseball Hall of Fame.

 

1981: Rock legend Bill Haley died at age 55 of a heart attack at his home in Harlingen, Texas. He had 21 singles on the Billboard pop charts in the mid-50s, including “Rock Around the Clock,” “Burn That Candle,” and “See You Later, Alligator.”

 

1987: Twenty years after the first woman was admitted to the New York Stock Exchange, the Exchange Luncheon Club decided to install a ladies rest room. For 20 years the ladies had to walk downstairs to find a ladies room.

 

1989: Witnesses at a New Jersey hearing on the deregulation of professional wrestling testified that the sport was a fake.

 

1997: “The Simpsons” became the longest-running prime-time animated TV series, besting the six-season record previously held by “The Flintstones.” (audio clip)

 

1997: Best Products closed the last of its stores, as the catalog-showroom concept of retailing diminished.

 

2003: President Bush declared to congressional Republicans that Iraq had fooled the world for more than a decade about its banned weapons of mass destruction and the UN was now facing “a moment of truth” in disarming Saddam Hussein.

 

2003: A one-armed lifeguard was named as one of the best in his job in Chile. Forty-eight-year-old Francisco Aguilera Morales, the official lifeguard of San Carlos Beach, lost his right arm above the elbow in a childhood accident. But it hadn’t stopped him working as a lifeguard for 14 years. Morales said, “I grab their neck with what’s left of my right arm and swim back using the left arm.” He was honored for saving 22 people in 2002.

 

2006: President Bush said international cooperation had derailed a terrorist plot to fly an airplane into the 73-story Library Tower in Los Angeles.

 

 

TODAY IN CHRISTIAN HISTORY

249: According to Dionysius (died c. 264), bishop of Alexandria, on this date, Roman officials “seized that marvelous aged virgin Apolloinia, broke out all her teeth with blows on her jaws, and piling up a bonfire before the city, threatened to burn her alive if she refused to recite with them their blasphemous sayings. But she asked for a brief delay and without flinching leapt into the fire and was consumed.”

 

1881: Russian novelist Fyodor Dostoyevsky dies. A devout Russian Orthodox Christian, the author of Crime and Punishment (1866) and The Brothers Karamazov (1880) once wrote “If someone proved to me that Christ is outside the truth, and that in reality the truth were outside of Christ, then I should prefer to remain with Christ rather than with the truth.

 

 

HOLLYWOOD, SPORTS AND CELEBRITY FIGURE BIRTHDAYS

  • actress (Baseball Wives, Family Law, Doc Hollywood) Julie Warner 51
  • actress (“Who’s the Boss,” “Law & Order SVU”) Judith Light 67 (audio clip)
  • actress (“Third Watch,” Hannah & Her Sisters, Rosemary’s Baby) Mia Farrow 71
  • actor (My Cousin Vinnie, Goodfellas, Lethal Weapon II, III & IV) Joe Pesci 73

 

 

BEE-BOP BIRTHDAYS

(Music Artist Birthdays From SongFacts.com)

1909 : Carmen Miranda

1914 : Ernest Tubb

1939 : Barry Mann

1940 : Brian Bennett (the Shadows)

1942 : Carole King

1942 : Mark Mathis (The Newbeats)

1943 : Barbara Lewis

1947 : Joe Ely

1947 : Major Harris

1951 : Dennis “DT” Thomas (Kool and the Gang)

1963 : Travis Tritt

 

 

SECRETS OF THE UNIVERSE

Can people with arthritis predict changes in the weather because their bones ache?

So what if they can? Big deal. I’ll turn on the radio and get the weather report. But are such people right? Can they feel it in their bones? Or is it just hot air when they prognosticate precipitation? You would think that with the marvels of modern medicine and the fortune we spend on research, we would have stumbled on a definitive answer to this question… but we haven’t. One thing that research does point to is the likelihood that arthritis often signals to sufferers some change in the weather, but it doesn’t indicate specifically what’s coming. That’s about as useful as predicting that future developments will develop.

 

 

CHRISTIAN ARTIST NEWS

Do you like the Christian Artist News you see below? It’s just a tiny sample of the 5-6 pages of material you could be receive every weekday… and it’s FREE!  Become one of their subscribers at ChristianRadioShowPrepServices.com!

 

Being a drum tech for Newsboys drummer Duncan Phillips is not an easy job. Duncan said: My Drumtech Matt came up second best when pulling my drum riser down after the show! He cut his hand to the bone. It took 11 stitches to sew it back up!

http://tsu.co/duncan/112116703

 

The perfect example of the difference between boys and girls. One of the members of Unspoken was playing in the Father/Son Bowl in Franklin Tennessee over the weekend and proudly displayed a photo of the bloody lip his son received during the game. At the same time, Third Day’s Mark Lee shared a picture of he and his daughter, all dressed up, as they prepared to attend a Daddy Daughter Dance.

https://www.instagram.com/p/BBdf82lOdLd/

 

Citizenway is saying goodbye to a member of their band. Bass player Ben Blascoe announced his departure over the weekend after 13 years with the band. He wrote: after months of prayer and consideration, my family and I have decided it’s time to move on. Ben’s brother, drummer David Blascoe, will continue with the band along with brothers Ben and Josh Calhoun.

 

Rend Collective guitarist Patrick Thompson recently got married. According to CCM Magazine, His new bride is Judith Clare.

 

The band Anthem Lights has introduced their newest member. Spencer Kane joined the band earlier this month as a vocalist after Alan Powell stepped down.

http://twitter.com/anthemlights/status/695436845165875206/photo/1

 

Although he is not an astronaut, Brandon Heath is becoming well known in the space industry. Brandon recently performed his song Out There at the 30th Anniversary Memorial for the space shuttle Challenger at Kennedy Space Center. Brandon was asked by Evelyn Husband, widow of Rick Husband, commander of the fallen space shuttle Columbia, to write a song in memory of her husband and all the other fallen astronauts who gave the ultimate sacrifice. And on February 18th, Brandon will be attending a screening in New York City of a new documentary on Eugen Cernan, “The Last Man on the Moon”. Brandon said: Needless to say, I’m completely geeking out.

 

Third Day’s Mac Powell will be in both India and Thailand over the next week. Mac shared a picture as he spent the night in Dubai on his way to their first stop, India. However, Mac didn’t let being in a foreign country get him out of his foot comfort zone. He shared a picture of his meal at the Dubai airport, a Big Mac.

https://www.instagram.com/p/BBbXR83Am_V/

 

Jodi from Love and the Outcome is less than a week from her due date. Her husband Chris shared a pregnant moment over the weekend as a pregnancy craving hit. In the picture Jodi was drinking straight from the crock pot to make sure she got the last drop.

http://twitter.com/loveandoutcome/status/696139978519289857/photo/1

 

Shane Everett and Shane Barnard did their port to make this years SuperBowl a success. The members of Shane and Shane tweeted before the big game: Experts predict Super Bowl viewers will eat approximately 1.25 billion chicken wings during the game. We will definitely be doing our part.

 

Jonny Diaz is in Colorado this week. He posted: Just arrived in Telluride CO for a week of snowboarding! ***So if Jonny Diaz can’t make his next concert due to being hospitalized, now you’ll know why!

http://twitter.com/jonnydiaz/status/696138099093471232/photo/1

 

 

NEWS KICKERS

(No news on the weekends.  Audio clips are only valid for a few days before being removed from our servers.)

 

NEW NEWS KICKERS…

Think the concessions stand at your local ballpark is expensive? Football fans at the Super Bowl had to pay $7 for a bottle of water, an $11 jumbo hot dog, a slice of pizza was $10… and the worst offense: $15 for popcorn.  ***The Super Bowl makes going to the movie theater look like you’re being miserly.

 

In a new ISIS video, the group vows to “strike America.”  *** Don’t worryl – I’ve already sent them to the GPS coordinates for the Kardashians.

 

In Malaysia, one city is introducing a curfew for players of online computer games in cyber-cafes. Politicians decided to take drastic measures after being approached by a worried mother whose teenage son had gone missing. He was eventually found in a cyber-cafe, where he had been playing online games for 48 hours. Gaming in cyber-cafes in the city will now end at midnight.  ***If successful, they’ll next implement a midnight curfew on criminals.

 

In Hungary, an ice-skater who fell through the ice and into a freezing lake managed to survive by holding on to the edge of the ice with her teeth for ten minutes. She had to use her teeth because hands were stiff from the cold.  ***Obviously a happy ending – but can you imagine the brain freeze this lady experienced?

 

 

NEWS KICKER EVERGREENS…

Iran has banned the production of Valentine’s Day gifts and any promotion of the day celebrating romantic love to combat what it sees as a spread of Western culture, Iranian media reported.  The February 14 celebration named after a Christian saint is not officially banned but hardliners have repeatedly warned about the corruptive spread of Western values. The printing works owners’ union issued an instruction on the ban, imposed by Iranian authorities, covering gifts such as cards, boxes with the symbols of hearts and red roses.  ***MARLAR: If you live in Iran you can still get married and have kids… but you’d better danged well not enjoy it!

 

Researchers say eating a daily dose of dark chocolate can reduce your chances of dying of stroke or heart attack.  *** However your rear end will get too wide for you to get through doorways and you’ll either be stuck inside or outside your home.

 

A study from Manchester Metropolitan University found there is more bacteria on your cell phone than on a door handle, a shoe sole or even a toilet seat!   ***MARLAR: On the plus side, you can easily clean your cell phone by wiping it on a toilet seat.

 

New studies conclude that depression among pregnant women is at least as common as post-partum depression.  ***MARLAR: Varicose veins, stretch marks, 20 added pounds, knowing what’s going to happen to you in the delivery room – gee, what’s there to be depressed about?

 

 

WONDER WOMAN

CLICK HERE TO DOWNLOAD TODAY’S EPISODE… “Meteor Showers”

 

 

DAILY COMEDY CLIP

CLICK HERE TO DOWNLOAD TODAY’S EPISODE… Johnny Roberts, “Limousine”

 

 

AS THE JUNGLE TURNS – WEEKDAY VERSION

CLICK HERE TO DOWNLOAD TUESDAY’S EPISODE  
OPEN: And now FancyMonkey.com, (Show Name), and (Station Call Letters) bring you another inspiringly inspiring inspirational inspiration in the never-ending deep jungle soap opera saga that is As the Jungle Turns!

 

CLOSE: So Racquet the Skunk makes his own badminton racquets – who knew?  But will a new racquet really help Gruffy Bear with his badminton game, or is this just a way for Racquet to get a cool new hammer for practically nothing?  Find out next time, As the Jungle Turns!

 

 

AS THE JUNGLE TURNS – SATURDAY/SUNDAY VERSION

CLICK HERE TO DOWNLOAD THE EPISODE FOR THE WEEKEND OF FEBRUARY 13/14

 

OPEN: And now, FancyMonkey.com, (Show Name), and (Station Call Letters) bring you As the Jungle Turns!  When last we left the jungle, Louis the lion – currently the king of the jungle – decided he didn’t want to be king.  So all of the animals went out searching all throughout the jungle to find a replacement king… someone to be king so Louis wouldn’t have to.  And it looks like they’re getting pretty close!
CLOSE: Being king of the jungle is an awful big responsibility… and it looks like it requires an awful big crown too!  But the crown doesn’t fit Louis, so there must be someone else around that can be king!  We’ll find out who next time, As the Jungle Turns!
***You may simulcast “As the Jungle Turns” on the Internet stream of your live broadcast only. Any other Internet use of “As the Jungle Turns” in whole or part including podcasting of your live broadcast is a violation of copyright law. Thank you for your cooperation on this vitally important issue. If you have any questions, please e-mail us and ask about “Jungle Jam & Friends the Radio Show” usage.

 

 

MOMENT OF DUH

When wanting to defrost something, it’s best to use the proper equipment…

…and that’s not a candle.  A teenager in Austria learned this the hard way when he came across a frozen doughnut. The 19-year-old was attending a ball in Vienna, when he wandered into the kitchen and came across the doughnut in the freezer. He took the doughnut to another room to defrost it with a candle, but the flame set fire to a sofa. The blaze quickly spread to wood paneling. Police managed to evacuate 600 partygoers but the 19-year-old fire starter was hurt as he tried unsuccessfully to extinguish the blaze before it could spread further. Most of the damage to the ballroom was from thick smoke that filled every room and will cost thousands of dollars to repair. ***MARLAR: Firefighters are investigating the blaze, while police officers are checking the doughnut filled freezer.

 

 

TOP TEN

TOP 10 GENEALOGY ONE-LINERS

  1. My family coat of arms ties at the back… is that normal?
  2. My family tree is a few branches short! All help appreciated.
  3. My ancestors must be in a witness protection program!
  4. Shake your family tree and watch the nuts fall!
  5. How can one ancestor cause so much TROUBLE?!
  6. I looked into my family tree and found out I was a sap… I’m not stuck, I’m ancestrally challenged.
  7. I’m searching for myself; Have you seen me?
  8. After 30 days unclaimed ancestors will be adopted.
  9. Any family tree produces some lemons, some nuts, and a few bad apples.
  10. A family tree can wither if nobody tends its roots.

 

 

THE FILES OF LAW & DISORDER

A man steals a purse in order to become a millionaire, but loses on more than one front.

 

FILE #1: A man from Safed, Israel heard that a woman in Metula had 2.7 million in a travel bag in her bedroom. Of course, he wanted to be a millionaire, so he traveled over to her house, broke in and took the bag… and was arrested on the way out. But even if he’d gotten away it would not have been worth the effort. The bag he tried to steal did contain millions, but it was millions of Turkish Lira… worth about one U.S. Dollar.

 

FILE #2: On trial for car theft — so, how do you go to court? Police in San Anselmo, Calif. charge Tony Van showed up at the courthouse in a stolen Lexus SUV. Police say they investigated the SUV after some people reported several Yorkshire terriers had been left alone. Van was also charged with animal cruelty and leaving animals in an unattended vehicle. As for the first case, the San Francisco hairstylist was convicted of having a stolen $125,000 Porsche Carrera.

 

FILE #3: A Sacramento, California man, when confronted by a police officer, called to a site where someone reported a vehicle on the side of the road. When asked why his car was covered with piles of branches, tree limbs and weeds, he responded, “Do you guys think I’m crazy? It’s stolen!” Which it was according to police.

 

STRANGE LAW: In Tennessee it is illegal to use Lassos to catch a fish. (I guess a rusty hook is far more humane.)

 

 

THIS IS YOUR BRAIN ON DRUGS

When it’s time to take a nap, it’s best to first pull the car over.

Kermit Alen Gibbs was caught taking a nap sometime after midnight. Cass County, Missouri Sheriff Dwight Dielo said, “He ran off the road. It was a one-car accident.”  Deputies found Kermit’s car off Highway 71 with 100 pounds of marijuana inside. The driver was asleep when the accident took place, but woke up soon afterward.  Deputies allegedly found drug paraphernalia in the front seat of the car and a brick of marijuana in the back seat.  After the car was impounded, deputies said that they discovered 100 pounds of pot worth almost $75,000.  Prosecutor Chris Koster said, “Sometimes in law enforcement, you make progress because you’re good and sometimes you make progress because you’re lucky.”

 

 

PHONER PHUN

What’s the best part time job that you’ve ever had?

 

Growing up, what’s the one rule you always had a hard time following?

 

 

BIBLE BRAIN BUSTER!

QUESTION: What evil priest had Jeremiah beaten and placed in chains?
ANSWER: Passhur (Jeremiah 20:1)

 

 

QUESTION IMPOSSIBLE

QUESTION: Half of all Americans live within 50 miles of what?
ANSWER: Their birthplace.

 

 

TRUE OR FALSE

Pay attention!  If our next player doesn’t answer all ten T/F questions correctly we start all over from question #1!  First person to answer question #10 correctly is our winner!

 

  1. Basketball star Michael Jordan hit only five home runs during his minor league baseball career. (False – only three! His batting average was only .202.  He struck out 114 times.)

 

  1. Ten percent of Americans state they have never flossed their teeth. (False – twenty percent.)

 

  1. In seafaring parlance, “avast” means stop. (True)

 

  1. It was Leonardo da Vinci who first discovered that a tree’s age is recorded in its rings. (True)

 

  1. The combined wealth of the world’s 250 richest people is greater than the combined wealth of the poorest 1.5 billion people. (True)

 

  1. Amathophobia is a morbid fear of doing math. (False – it’s a fear of dust.)

 

  1. Anthropologists know of no human society whose children do not play hide and seek. (True)

 

  1. Thomas Jefferson was the first person to import vanilla to the United States. (True)

 

  1. During the 1905 football season, 18 men were killed in college games in the United States and 159 were permanently injured. (True)

 

  1. Chronomentrophobia is a fear of clocks. (True)

 

 

TABLOID MATCH GAME

You have to match the blank in the tabloid headline with the word or phrase that has been removed!

AQUA _____ (CAR)

Volkswagen has designed a car that runs on land and sea.

The Volkswagen Aqua Car is designed to run on “tarmac, sand, ice… and water:”

It features a shiny, sleek design with four fans and integrated airbags that inflate to make it hover.

And it’s also environmentally-friendly as its two motors are powered by a hydrogen fuel cell — with zero carbon emissions.

One of the motors inflates a “skirt” around the vehicle to lift it off the ground, while the other drives it forward and controls direction.

The Aqua car is described as “air cushion vehicle”, which the Daily Mail reports Chinese designer Yuhan Zhang, 21, as calling the best mode of transport because “it travels equally well over land, ice and water.”

The Aqua car, Car Body Design points out, is a hovercraft that would be supported by one engine creating air pressure under the vehicle and propelled and directed by additional engines seen on the back and the sides. Note how the side propellers are fashioned to look like traditional wheels.

 

 

THE WAY TOO EARLY IN THE MORNING TO UNDERSTAND THE PUNCHLINE EVEN AFTER TWO CUPS OF COFFEE JOKE OF THE DAY

JOKE #1

This lady surprised a burglar in her kitchen. He was all loaded down with the things he was going to steal. She had no weapon and was all alone. The only thing that she could think to do was quote scripture. So, she holds up a hand and says, “ACTS 2:38!”

The burglar quakes in fear and then freezes to the point that she is able to get to the phone and call 911 for the cops.

When the cops arrive, the burglar is still frozen in place. They are very much surprised that a woman alone with no weapon could do this.

One of them asked the lady, “How did you do this?”

The woman replied, “I quoted scripture.”

The cop turned the burglar, “What was it about the scripture that had such an effect on you?”

The burglar replied, “Scripture! What scripture? I thought she said she had an axe and two 38’s.”

 

JOKE #2

With only two tellers working at the bank, the line I was standing in was moving very slowly. As I waited, I began to fill in my withdrawal slip.

Not sure of the date, I turned and asked the woman behind me.

“It’s the fifth,” she replied.

From the back of the line a man advised, “Don’t write it in yet!”

 

JOKE #3

Joe’s wife likes to sing so she decided to join the church choir. From time to time she would practice while she was in the kitchen preparing dinner.

Whenever she would start in on a song, Joe would head outside to the porch.

His wife, with hurt feelings, said, “What’s the matter, Joe? Don’t you like my singing?”

Joe replied, “Honey, I love your singing, but I just want to make sure the neighbors know I’m not beating you.”

 

 

USELESS FACTS

Animal researchers say that elephants may have self-awareness like humans after an elephant proved that she recognized herself in a mirror.  ***MARLAR: And immediately thought, “Dang, I’m fat!”

 

A German university hospital is doing a study to see if a high-fat diet prevents cancer.  ***MARLAR: Man, I hope so… I’ll live forever!

 

 

FEATURED FUNNIES

A new missionary recruit went to Venezuela for the first time. He was struggling with the language and didn’t understand a whole lot of what was going on. Intending to visit one of the local churches, he got lost, but eventually got back on track and found the place.

Having arrived late, the church was already packed. The only pew left was the one on the front row. So as not to make a fool of himself, he decided to pick someone out of the crowd to imitate. He chose to follow the man sitting next to him on the front pew. As they sang, the man clapped his hands, so the missionary recruit clapped too.

When the man stood up to pray, the missionary recruit stood up too. When the man sat down, he sat down. When the man held the cup and bread for the Lord’s Supper, he held the cup and bread. During the preaching, the recruit didn’t understand a thing. He just sat there and tried to look just like that man in the front pew.

Then he perceived that the preacher was giving announcements. People clapped, so he looked to see if the man was clapping. He was, and so the recruit clapped too.

Then the preacher said some words that he didn’t understand and he saw the man next to him stand up. So he stood up too. Suddenly a hush fell over the entire congregation. A few people gasped. He looked around and saw that nobody else was standing. So he sat down.

After the service ended, the preacher stood at the door shaking the hands of those who were leaving. When the missionary recruit stretched out his hand to greet the preacher, the preacher said, in English, “I take it you don’t speak Spanish.”

The missionary recruit replied, “No, I don’t. It’s that obvious?”

“Well yes,” said the preacher, “I announced that the Acosta family had a newborn baby boy and would the proud father please stand up.”

 

 

IT MUST BE TRUE BECAUSE I HEARD IT ON THE RADIO!

NO MORE SHOWERS?

In the future you might not be taking a bath or a shower!

…You could be cleaning yourself the same way you wash your clothes! A Japanese cosmetic company is now offering a human washing machine at its Avant salons in Tokyo and other cities. The tube-like device looks a little like a CAT-scanner or some other high-tech piece of medical equipment. The machine shampoos and dries your body and even provides a little massage.  The customer’s head is left outside the machine, so it won’t wash your hair. The service is $40 for a half hour. But don’t look to be getting one of these machines in your house anytime soon — they cost 161-thousand dollars! ***MARLAR: And just make sure you don’t accidentally wear red socks while in the machine, otherwise you’ll turn pink.

 

 

INSPIRATIONAL INSPIRATION

THE REFINING PROCESS

Some time ago, a few ladies met in a certain city to study the scriptures. While reading the third chapter of Malachi, they came upon a remarkable expression in the third verse:

“And He shall sit as a refiner and purifier of silver.” Malachi 3:3

One lady proposed to visit a silversmith, and report to them on what he said about the subject. She went accordingly, and without telling the object of her errand, begged the silversmith to tell her about the process of refining silver.

After he had fully described it to her, she asked, “But Sir, do you sit while the work of refining is going on?”

“Oh, yes madam,” replied the silversmith; “I must sit with my eyes steadily fixed on the furnace, for if the time necessary for refining be exceeded in the slightest degree, the silver will be injured.”

The lady at once saw the beauty, and comfort too, of the expression, “He shall sit as a refiner and purifier of silver.”. God sees it needful to put His children into a furnace; His eye is steadily intent on the work of purifying, and His wisdom and love are both engaged in the best manner for us.

Our trials do not come at random, and He will not let us be tested beyond what we can endure.

Before she left, the lady asked one final question, “When do you know the process is complete?”

“Why, that is quite simple,” replied the silversmith. “When I can see my own image in the silver, the refining process is finished.”

 

 

DRIVE TIME DEVOTIONAL

BEHIND THE LABEL

Read: 1 Peter 1:3-2:3

Rid yourselves of all malice and all deceit, hypocrisy, envy, and slander of every kind. –1 Peter 2:1

If you take your summer vacation in Bogota, Colombia, you’ll see a lot of restaurants and products that remind you of the USA. You’ll find Dunkin’ Donuts and Pizza Hut. But you’ll also find places like Whopper King, Friday’s, and Benny’s–eating places which imitate the well-known US franchises Burger King, TGI Friday’s, and Ben & Jerry’s.

Benny’s has the same type of sign, the same dairy cow motif, and even many of the same Ben & Jerry’s ice cream names. But there is a big difference–quality. Ben & Jerry’s version of Cherry Garcia has cherry ice cream and chunks of chocolate and cherries. But according to one reporter, the Benny’s version is “a bland mix of artificial-tasting ice cream and candied cherries.”

Clothing companies are doing the same, producing cheap copies of athletic shoes or jeans and sticking a popular brand name on them.

According to Myriam Henao of the Universidad del Valle in Bogota, “Acquiring [the] label becomes more important than having the quality of the genuine item.”

A similar tactic is being carried out throughout the world in the most unlikely places–among people who wear the label “Christian.” It happens every time people talk and act as if they were strong believers, when actually they seldom open their Bible. They don’t even think about praying or applying biblical principles to the way they behave on a date or how they work on the job.

What label do you and I wear? Do we profess to be more than we are so that we can fit in with the church crowd and make people happy? Or are we serious enough about our faith in Christ to be honest when we face spiritual struggles? Are we concentrating on obeying Christ in every area of life?

Let’s not give ourselves a label unless we have the quality to go with it. –KD

 

 

LEFTOVERS

JAMES BOND TRUCK

In every James Bond movie you see a really cool car with lots of gadgets. And, up until now, it’s always been a small sports car that 007 used to chase the bad guys, but now it’s a truck!

However… it’s not in a movie this time… it’s owned by the U.S. Army! An army of one! The Smar Truck looks like an ordinary van but has armored plates and gadgets to confuse the enemy. It can disorient enemies with unusual headlights, it has electrified door handles (in case the bad guys try to steal the truck), and, of course, it can blow out a smoke screen to blind the guy that’s chasing you. ***MARLAR: I’m looking forward to the day that this hits the commercial market… this is my kind of vehicle! The new army van also has bullet-proof glass. Which I’ll probably need once my wife finds out how much I spent on it.

 

 

LIFE… LIVE IT

MEMORY LAPSE

Having some memory trouble? Cut back on the diet soft drinks!

…Artificial sweeteners can cause you to lose more than weight. They can cause you to lose your memory. Researchers at Texas Christian University found that consuming aspartame, the sweetener found in many diet soft drinks, can impair long-term memory. Dr. Timothy Barth, who conducted the study, says it doesn’t take much, either. Drinking more than one or two diet sodas daily can make you forget how to do things you thought had become second nature, things like cooking a familiar recipe or where you keep things like your keys. ***MARLAR: In other news, it’s recently been discovered that artificial sweeteners could cause you to lose your memory.  Details coming up.

 

 

JUST FOR FUN

COMPUTER GAME DESTROYS RELATIONSHIP

Addiction to computer games can even cause damaged relationships.

A US computer-game addict played in a hospital delivery room as his partner gave birth. Manda Erickson says her husband plays the Internet cybergame EverQuest for up to 20 hours a day and has virtually abandoned their seven-month-old daughter. Ms Erickson is part of an online community of ‘cyber widows’ who claim they have had their relationships ruined by the game. She says that she and her husband have no relationship. She speaks, he grunts. She asks him to do something, she ends up doing it herself. She’d like to go back to work, but she’s afraid that her daughter will be crying and her hubby will be too busy playing computer games to do anything about it. ***MARLAR: So she has a husband that doesn’t want to do anything. How is that different from any other household in America?

 

 

FUN LIST

JINGLE MEMORY GAME

Jog Your Jingle Memory game. Name the product that goes with the jingle.

  • It’s an up thing …. (7-Up)
  • Fall into the … (Gap)
  • Come see the softer side of … (Sears)
  • Be all that you can be (Army)
  • Everybody needs a little … (KFC)
  • Mmmmmm good, mmmmmmm good, that’s what … (Campbell’s Soup)
  • Nothing beats a great …. (Pair of Leggs)
  • Oh, I wish I were an … (Oscar Meyer weiner)
  • The best part of waking up … (Folgers)
  • You’ll love it at … (Levitz)
  • Gimme a break, gimme a break, break me off a … (Kit-Kat bar)

 

 

MORE SHOW PREP STUFF…

Catching enough ‘Z’s’ could be more critical to your health than you may realize.

…A new study suggests people who get less than six hours of sleep per night could be at an increased risk for heart attacks and strokes. A long-term study based upon thousands of people from eight countries found lack of sleep contributes to high blood pressure and cholesterol, diabetes, and obesity.

 

 

OTHER STUFF I WANT TO CRAM INTO TODAY’S PREP

Your pastor might be interested in this story!  An extensive new survey of more than 35,000 U.S. adults finds that the percentages who say they believe in God, pray daily and regularly go to church or other religious services all have declined modestly in recent years. However, the Pew Research Center study also finds a great deal of stability in the U.S. religious landscape. Pew researchers point out that, among the roughly three-quarters of U.S. adults who do claim a religion, there has been no discernible drop in most measures of religious commitment. Indeed, by some conventional measures, they say that religiously affiliated Americans are, on average, even more devout than they were a few years ago.

http://pewrsr.ch/1NnvjyB

 

Netflix now offers users a different type of content.  Netflix has started offering messages by Televangelists. The online video streaming service currently includes lectures by four pastors. They include Ed Young, Steven Furtick, Andy Stanley, and Joyce Meyer. Netflix did not provide many guidelines in terms of content for the episodes but did ask that the programs avoid product promotion or invitations for viewers to make donations.  ***We’ve got Andy Stanley in our Netflix queue right now!

http://dlvr.it/KNMjJR

 

Over 700 Barbie dolls currently fill the room of 9-year-old Gianni Graham’s home in Norfolk, Virginia. However, Gianni has no plans to open or play with the Barbies. The 9-year-old is actually on a mission to collect 1,000 new Barbie dolls for 1,000 homeless girls her age. She said “Girls in shelters deserve the same things we have.”

http://abcn.ws/20t93YF

 

 

AND I LEAVE YOU WITH THIS THOUGHT

I’ll see you tomorrow or the next day, whichever comes first.

 

 

THE TICKET Movie Reviews with MARIE ASNER

Marie Asner has been reviewing films for over 30 years. Her outlets include radio, print and Internet.  For more in-depth movie reviews of the following films, visit www.Tollbooth.org.  Ratings from 1 (Low) to 5 (High).

 

FEBRUARY 05, 2016…

 

The Choice—This is a romance/drama about the choices one makes in life. Especially love at first sight. The cast includes Tom Welling (“Superman” TV series), Benjamin Walker (“In The Heart Of The Sea”), Teresa Palmer and Maggie Grace. “The Choice” is rated PG 13. No rating.

 

Hail! Caesar—A comedy with a back of the hand to Hollywood.  A superstar is kidnapped and the production can’t go on without him, but, then, who might care?? The stars in this film play their roles broadly and they include George Clooney, Josh Brolin, Jonah Hill and Scarlett Johannson. Directed by none other than the Coen Brothers. “Hail! Caesar” is rated PG 13. Rating of 3 for fans.

 

Pride and Prejudice and Zombies—Author Jane Austen’s books are in the public domain, who would have thought? Anyway, we now get “Pride and Prejudice and Zombies” starring Lily James from “Downton Abbey” playing Elizabeth. Corsets and martial arts are the theme here, as Lily and her sisters Bella Heathcote and Suki Waterhouse (Kitty) go after the bad guys. Also in the cast is Sam Riley (Mr. Darcy) and Charles Dance. “Pride and Prejudice and Zombies” is rated R. No rating.

 

Regression—This is a psychological study as a father is accused of abusing his daughter and can’t remember doing anything. The cast includes Ethan Hawke, David Dencik, Emma Watson and David Thewlis. “Regression” is rated R. No rating.

 

FEBRUARY 12, 2016…

 

Where To Invade is a documentary, rather tongue in cheek, by Michael Moore about traveling the world for information to help America.

 

Deadpool comes from the comics and has Ryan Reynolds in the title role.

 

How To Be Single is about women trying to get along without men in their lives. A comedy to be sure and starring Rebel Wilson and Dakota Johnson.

 

Zoolander 2 with Ben Stiller and Owen Wilson from the cult-classic comedy and reprising their roles as Derek and Hansel.

 

The Bad Hurt concerns a family trying to stay together through hurts and secrets. Stars Ashley Williams and Karen Allen.

 

 

# # # # #

 

 

 

WARNING:    Don’t believe anything you read on the Internet or email (including stuff you read here) unless you can confirm it with another source, and/or it is consistent with what you already know to be true. The opinions in this publication are not necessarily those of Darren Marlar, Marlar House Entertainment, OnAirPrep.com, or any company or organization affiliated with aforementioned.  (Regardless of how stupid you may think those opinions are.  So there – nyah!)

Darren Marlar credits all non-original material to the author whenever possible. All other material is original, used with permission, or author unknown. We welcome all comments, questions, and suggestions.  Darren can be reached via his website at www.DarrenMarlar.com.