February 09, 2017: Thursday ONAIRprep

PRINT VERSION OF TODAY’S PREP: 20170209

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WELCOME TO THE SHOW!

I love radio. Radio is my life, my lover, my muse, my ticket to the big time. It also pays for my coffee addiction.

NEWSFLASH: Mankind’s intelligence is decreasing. Details at … uh … when the big hand is on the…

BIBLE VERSE OF THE DAY

“I have set my rainbow in the clouds, and it will be the sign of the covenant between me and the earth.” –Genesis 9:13

He who pursues righteousness and love finds life, prosperity, and honor. — Proverbs 21:21

Peter and John replied, “Judge for yourselves whether it is right in God’s sight to obey you rather than God. For we cannot help speaking about what we have seen and heard.” — Acts 4:19-20

HEARTLIGHT DAILY VERSE, PRAYER & THOUGHT

(From VerseOfTheDay.com.)

If anyone acknowledges that Jesus is the Son of God, God lives in him and he in God. — 1 John 4:15

Thought: “Jesus is the Son of God.” Six simple words. They are much more than simple words, however; they are the doorway that opens our heart to God. So tonight, as you confess Jesus as God’s Son, consciously and intentionally welcome God into your heart. The Father lives in the person who confesses the Son!

Prayer: Father, I want to live my life and center my heart in you. I gladly confess that Jesus is the Son of God, my Lord, and my Savior. I praise and thank you in the name of Jesus Christ. Amen.

The Thoughts and Prayers for Today’s Verse are written by Phil Ware. You can email questions or comments to phil@heartlight.org.

BIRTHDAY VERSE” OF THE DAY (The chapter and verse correspond to the month and day!)

1 Corinthians 2:9 NIV = However, as it is written: No eye has seen, no ear has heard, no mind has conceived what God has prepared for those who love him

TODAY IS THURSDAY – FEBRUARY 09, 2017

(NOTE: Some holidays may be duplicated due to various calendars reporting conflicting dates)
WEIRD, WACKY, STRANGE, ZANY, ODD, BIZARRE, QUIRKY, UNUSUAL HOLIDAYS!
THERE ARE ONLY
318 SHOPPING DAYS UNTIL CHRISTMAS.

Today is EXTRATERRESTRIAL CULTURE DAY, honoring past, present, and future extraterrestrial visitors.  ***And if that doesn’t sound odd or strange to you, you are more than likely a space case yourself.

Today is FISH & WILDLIFE DAY. ***In FEBRUARY?!?!  Who wants to go fishing or hunting when it’s 10 degrees outside?

Today is NATIONAL HOOKY DAY.  ***Kind of appropriate that it would come on Fish & Wildlife Day, isn’t it?  Seeing as it’s usually fishing that guys play hooky in order to do!

Today is NATIONAL BAGELS AND LOX DAY.  ***What exactly is a “lox” anyway?

Today is NATIONAL TOOTHACHE DAY and ST. APOLLONIA’S DAY, honoring the patron saint of dentists and people with toothaches.  ***Holy cow… is there anything in this world that doesn’t have a patron saint?  Is there a patron saint of bagels and lox too?

TODAY IS ALSO…
National Bagel Day Link
National Pizza Day Link
Read in the Bathtub Day
Toothache Day Link

COMING UP NEXT (Just a list, we are not endorsing the holidays posted below.)

FRIDAY, FEBRUARY 10

Plimsoll Day
All The News That’s Fit To Print Day

SATURDAY, FEBRUARY 11

Be Electrific Day
Don’t Cry Over Spilled Milk Day Link
Get Out Your Guitar Day
Pro Sports Wives Day
National Shut-in Visitation Day
Satisfied Staying Single Day
Stress Awareness Day Link
White Shirt Day or White T-shirt Day Link
World Day of The Sick Link

SUNDAY, FEBRUARY 12

Autism Sunday Link
Darwin Day
Lincoln’s Birthday
NAACP Day
Oglethorpe Day
Paul Bunyan Day
Safety Pup Day
World Marriage Day Link

MONDAY, FEBRUARY 13

Clean Out Your Computer Day Link
Desperation Day Link
Employee Legal Awareness Day
Galentine’s Day Link
Get a Different Name Day
International Condom Day Link
Madly In Love With Me Day
National Wingman’s Day
World Radio Day Link

TUESDAY, FEBRUARY 14

Extraterrestrial Culture Day
Extraterrestrial Visitor Day
Ferris Wheel Day
International Book Giving Day Link
Frederick Douglass Day Link
Pet Theft Awareness Day  Link
Library Lovers Day
National Have A Heart Day
National Donor Day
(World) Congenital Heart Defect Awareness Day Link
League of Women Voters Day
National Women’s Heart Day Link
Race Relations Day
Safer Internet Day  Link
Singles Awareness Day or Singles Appreciation Day Link
National Donor Day
Quirky Alone Day Link
Valentines Day

WEDNESDAY, FEBRUARY 15

Angelman Syndrome Day Link
Lupercalia
National Gum Drop Day Link
National Hippo Day Link
Random Acts of Kindness Day Link
Remember The Maine Day
Susan B. Anthony Day
Westminster Dog Show  Link

THURSDAY, FEBRUARY 16

Kyoto Protocol Day Link
National Almond Day  Link

ON THIS DAY

1825: The U. S. House of Representatives elected John Quincy Adams president after no candidate won a majority of electoral votes.

1869: The horsecycle was patented. It was a bicycle that looked like a horse; and supposedly it wouldn’t scare horses that you met along the road.

1942: Daylight-saving ”war time” went into effect in the United States, with clocks turned one hour forward.

1942: The Philadelphia Phillies changed their name to the Phils. Fans continued to call them the Phillies..

1953: “The Adventures of Superman” debuted in television syndication. In the original episode, with destruction of the planet Krypton eminent, Jor-El and his wife Lara sent their infant son Kal-El to Earth in a small rocket, where he was discovered and reared by Eben and Sarah Kent. They named their adopted son Clark.

1964: The G.I. Joe doll debuted.

1964: In their first live American TV appearance, the Beatles drew 73.7-million viewers to The Ed Sullivan Show. They were paid $2,400 to sing “All My Loving,” “Till There Was You,” “She Loves You,” “I Saw Her Standing There,” and “I Want To Hold Your Hand.”

1971: Pitcher Satchel Paige became the first Negro League player elected the baseball Hall of Fame.

1981: Rock legend Bill Haley died at age 55 of a heart attack at his home in Harlingen, Texas. He had 21 singles on the Billboard pop charts in the mid-50s, including “Rock Around the Clock,” “Burn That Candle,” and “See You Later, Alligator.”

1987: Twenty years after the first woman was admitted to the New York Stock Exchange, the Exchange Luncheon Club decided to install a ladies rest room. For 20 years the ladies had to walk downstairs to find a ladies room.

1989: Witnesses at a New Jersey hearing on the deregulation of professional wrestling testified that the sport was a fake.

1997: “The Simpsons” became the longest-running prime-time animated TV series, besting the six-season record previously held by “The Flintstones.” (audio clip)

1997: Best Products closed the last of its stores, as the catalog-showroom concept of retailing diminished.

2003: President Bush declared to congressional Republicans that Iraq had fooled the world for more than a decade about its banned weapons of mass destruction and the UN was now facing “a moment of truth” in disarming Saddam Hussein.

2003: A one-armed lifeguard was named as one of the best in his job in Chile. Forty-eight-year-old Francisco Aguilera Morales, the official lifeguard of San Carlos Beach, lost his right arm above the elbow in a childhood accident. But it hadn’t stopped him working as a lifeguard for 14 years. Morales said, “I grab their neck with what’s left of my right arm and swim back using the left arm.” He was honored for saving 22 people in 2002.

2006: President Bush said international cooperation had derailed a terrorist plot to fly an airplane into the 73-story Library Tower in Los Angeles.

TODAY IN CHRISTIAN HISTORY

249: According to Dionysius (died c. 264), bishop of Alexandria, on this date, Roman officials “seized that marvelous aged virgin Apolloinia, broke out all her teeth with blows on her jaws, and piling up a bonfire before the city, threatened to burn her alive if she refused to recite with them their blasphemous sayings. But she asked for a brief delay and without flinching leapt into the fire and was consumed.”

1881: Russian novelist Fyodor Dostoyevsky dies. A devout Russian Orthodox Christian, the author of Crime and Punishment (1866) and The Brothers Karamazov (1880) once wrote “If someone proved to me that Christ is outside the truth, and that in reality the truth were outside of Christ, then I should prefer to remain with Christ rather than with the truth.

HOLLYWOOD AND CELEBRITY FIGURE BIRTHDAYS

  • actress (Baseball Wives, Family Law, Doc Hollywood) Julie Warner 52

  • actress (“Who’s the Boss,” “Law & Order SVU”) Judith Light 68 (audio clip)

  • actress (“Third Watch,” Hannah & Her Sisters, Rosemary’s Baby) Mia Farrow 72

  • actor (My Cousin Vinnie, Goodfellas, Lethal Weapon II, III & IV) Joe Pesci 74

BEE-BOP BIRTHDAYS

(Music Artist Birthdays From SongFacts.com)

1909 : Carmen Miranda

1914 : Ernest Tubb

1939 : Barry Mann

1940 : Brian Bennett (the Shadows)

1942 : Carole King

1942 : Mark Mathis (The Newbeats)

1943 : Barbara Lewis

1947 : Joe Ely

1947 : Major Harris

1951 : Dennis “DT” Thomas (Kool and the Gang)

1963 : Travis Tritt

SECRETS OF THE UNIVERSE

Can people with arthritis predict changes in the weather because their bones ache?

So what if they can? Big deal. I’ll turn on the radio and get the weather report. But are such people right? Can they feel it in their bones? Or is it just hot air when they prognosticate precipitation? You would think that with the marvels of modern medicine and the fortune we spend on research, we would have stumbled on a definitive answer to this question… but we haven’t. One thing that research does point to is the likelihood that arthritis often signals to sufferers some change in the weather, but it doesn’t indicate specifically what’s coming. That’s about as useful as predicting that future developments will develop.

CHRISTIAN ARTIST NEWS

This is just a tiny sample of the 5-6 pages of material you could be receiving three days a week from ChristianRadioShowPrepServices.com!

Hawk Nelson front man Jon Steingard is joining with Dan Bremnes on a 10 day trip. The two artists aren’t saying much about their adventure but Dan posted Something is about to go down and Jon added: I’m gonna be posting Instagram stories throughout this 10 day trip – follow me to keep up with this insane trip! Jon did say that they will be traveling through eight countries in eight days.
 https://twitter.com/jonsteingard/status/829091546154700800/photo/1

A major milestone for Jimmy Needham. He and his wife are in India this week to adopt a little boy and Tuesday morning he posted: May I introduce you to the newest member of my heart, Benjamin Ezekiel Needham. Attached was a picture of the couples new son.
 https://twitter.com/JimmyNeedham/status/828993667645874176/photo/1

Casting Crowns Mark Hall is noticing a trend this week. The resident of Atlanta posted this week: I have met so many sport strategists today! I’m making a list to send ESPN because everyone around me just knows everything about football.

The latest Jason Gray and Jonny Diaz tour kicked off this week and the tour staff is already resorting to name calling. Jason posted the tour schedule for the first night and it said: 12:46pm-Arrive FAT Jonny. Jason said: I didn’t think it was very nice that they called him this. However, he then added: actually, FAT is the airport code for Fresno Yosemite International Airport.

Steven Curtis Chapman will share his life story in just one month. Steven’s memoir, Between Heaven and the Real World was written with New York Times best-selling author Ken Abraham. It is slated to hit shelves and all digital platforms on March 7. Steven is one of the most awarded artists in Christian music history. He has received five GRAMMYs®, an American Music Award, 58 GMA Dove Awards, 48 No. 1 singles, and has more than eleven million albums sold and eight RIAA-certified gold or platinum albums to his credit. 

Chris August has been waiting for his first anniversary since he was just a kid and it’s finally arrived. Chris posted a picture while dancing with his wife of one year and added: Today is the day! Starting our 1st anniversary off right with a little jig! I’ve been listening to this song since I was a kid waiting for this moment! Now let’s go get some IHOP  
https://www.instagram.com/p/BQLR4UNh86Q/

It’s been a rough winter for Mac Powell, the sports loving front man of the band Third Day. He posted this week: So….all of Atlanta is in a huge football hangover/depression right now. Thinking about quitting sports. The Falcon’s Super Bowl meltdown came less than one month after Mac’s favorite college team, the Alabama Crimson Tide, suffered a last second loss to Clemson in the college National Championship game.

Casting Crowns Megan Garrett says God uses ALL things. She posted: Yesterday, while my uncle lay on his deathbed, my mother led his Muslim nurse to the Lord. My uncle died 45 min later.

The Afters were the big winners in Sunday’s Super Bowl. Their songs “Shadows” and “Time of My Life” were both featured on the Fox Pre-Game Show. In fact, officials say a total of five songs from the Afters were used during the building up to Sunday nights big game.

NEWS KICKERS

(No news on the weekends. Want a customized audio version, FREE? Email me for more information! )

NEW NEWS KICKERS…

Residents of Wyoming, Minnesota were strongly encouraged to not drink and drive on Super Bowl Sunday. Otherwise, they’d be forced to watch Justin Bieber’s T-Mobile ad. The Wyoming Police Department sent out a social media message that afternoon warning people that if they drove while intoxicated: “You will be subjected to Bieber.”  ***It’s the first time in recorded history that every person in town was sober.

This year, for the first time in its long history, the Westminster Dog Show will feature cats.  ***Gender identity is weird enough – now we’re dealing with species identity?

Ever wonder how monks make it through those vows of poverty, celibacy and silence? Maybe it’s meth! A Buddhist monk in Burma was recently arrested after police allegedly found 400,000 meth pills in his car – and then another 4.2 million more pills during a search of his monastery.  ***So the secret to world peace is… free meth?

Pink is saying that Lady Gaga copied her act when she went flying around in the Super Bowl half-time show. ***Sounds to me like someone might be just a bit miffed they weren’t chosen to perform at halftime.

Madonna adopted two four-year-old twin girls from Malawi on Tuesday. ***So you might want to add those two girls to your prayer list if you have one.

Pittsburgh police have charged a man with drunken driving and fighting with officers who allegedly found him semi-conscious behind the wheel of a car while wearing pink lingerie. Police say they found an open bottle of whiskey and two guns in the car.  ***This is crazy.  I mean… pink lingerie… in THIS weather?!?!?

Most people win the lottery, then quit their job. A Colorado woman quit her job then won a $3.3 million lottery jackpot days later. The woman left her position as a certified nursing assistant because she had been feeling burned out. Her last day was January 17. She didn’t have another job lined up but 11 days later she won the lottery.  ***And this is America, so you KNOW this is going to be followed by stories of dozens of people quitting their jobs in hopes of winning the lottery.

NEWS KICKER EVERGREENS…

Iran has banned the production of Valentine’s Day gifts and any promotion of the day celebrating romantic love to combat what it sees as a spread of Western culture, Iranian media reported.  The February 14 celebration named after a Christian saint is not officially banned but hardliners have repeatedly warned about the corruptive spread of Western values. The printing works owners’ union issued an instruction on the ban, imposed by Iranian authorities, covering gifts such as cards, boxes with the symbols of hearts and red roses.  ***If you live in Iran you can still get married and have kids… but you’d better danged well not enjoy it!

Toddlers who have a depressed mom are more likely than other kids to develop behavior problems as they get older. But a recent report finds that the risk of behavior issues, such as being overly aggressive, hyperactive, or withdrawn, can be reduced if toddlers spend just a few hours a day in formal day care.  Overall, children raised by mothers who reported recurrent bouts of depression were almost four times as likely to exhibit behavior problems, including depression, anxiety, withdrawn behavior and aggression. But, half a day in day care significantly reduced the risk of these behavior problems developing by age 5.  ***I used to work in daycare and I have to tell you that I find it very surprising that your kid would actually be better off for a few hours with me than, well, anywhere else on the planet.

Sleeping on the job might not be a bad thing after all. The web site Business Insider recently released an article that shows a workday nap is beneficial, and possibly even necessary. They say studies have shown napping to improve cognitive function, creative thinking, and memory performance.  ***What I’m saying is that every afternoon around 1pm I’m becoming a better worker.

A study finds that television may actually do no harm to babies. Research has determined that viewing TV before age two has no impact on a child’s learning ability.  ***GOD BLESS YOU, oh ELECTRONIC BABYSITTER!

This may come as no surprise to residents of New York City and other big urban centers: Living there can be bad for your mental health.  Now researchers have found a possible reason why. Imaging scans show that in city dwellers or people who grew up in urban areas, certain areas of the brain react more vigorously to stress. That may help explain how city life can boost the risks of schizophrenia and other mental disorders, researchers said.  Previous research has found that growing up in a big city raises the risk of schizophrenia. And there’s some evidence that city dwellers are at heightened risk for mood and anxiety disorders, although the evidence is mixed.  In any case, the volunteers scanned in the new study were healthy, and experts said that while the city-rural differences in brain activity were intriguing, the results fall short of establishing a firm tie to mental illness.  ***I’ve spent quite a bit of time in downtown (Chicago) and I totally agree – there is something mentally wrong with those people.

AS THE JUNGLE TURNS

CLICK HERE TO DOWNLOAD THURSDAY’S EPISODE

OPEN: And now, FancyMonkey.com, (Show Name), and (Station Call Letters) bring you As the Jungle Turns! When last we left the jungle, Racquet the Skunk was excited about being asked to draw a picture of the Rabbit Family using his brand new crayons. Unfortunately, before he could begin the portrait, he lost every single one of his crayons through a hole in his backpack!

CLOSE: Swimming? How can all of the animals think of swimming while their friend Racquet is in torment because he can’t find his crayons? Perhaps friendship in the jungle only goes crayon-deep? We’ll find out next time, as FancyMonkey.com, (Show Name), and (Station Call Letters) bring you another exciting episode of As the Jungle Turns!

***You may simulcast “As the Jungle Turns” on the Internet stream of your live broadcast only. Any other Internet use of “As the Jungle Turns” in whole or part including podcasting of your live broadcast is a violation of copyright law. Thank you for your cooperation on this vitally important issue. If you have any questions, please e-mail us and ask about “Jungle Jam & Friends the Radio Show” usage.

MOMENT OF DUH

When wanting to defrost something, it’s best to use the proper equipment…

…and that’s not a candle. A teenager in Austria learned this the hard way when he came across a frozen doughnut. The 19-year-old was attending a ball in Vienna, when he wandered into the kitchen and came across the doughnut in the freezer. He took the doughnut to another room to defrost it with a candle, but the flame set fire to a sofa. The blaze quickly spread to wood paneling. Police managed to evacuate 600 partygoers but the 19-year-old fire starter was hurt as he tried unsuccessfully to extinguish the blaze before it could spread further. Most of the damage to the ballroom was from thick smoke that filled every room and will cost thousands of dollars to repair. ***MARLAR: Firefighters are investigating the blaze, while police officers are checking the doughnut filled freezer.

TOP TEN

TOP 10 GENEALOGY ONE-LINERS

10. My family coat of arms ties at the back… is that normal?

9. My family tree is a few branches short! All help appreciated.

8. My ancestors must be in a witness protection program!

7. Shake your family tree and watch the nuts fall!

6. How can one ancestor cause so much TROUBLE?!

5. I looked into my family tree and found out I was a sap… I’m not stuck, I’m ancestrally challenged.

4. I’m searching for myself; Have you seen me?

3. After 30 days unclaimed ancestors will be adopted.

2. Any family tree produces some lemons, some nuts, and a few bad apples.

1. A family tree can wither if nobody tends its roots.

THE FILES OF LAW & DISORDER

A man steals a purse in order to become a millionaire, but loses on more than one front.

FILE #1: A man from Safed, Israel heard that a woman in Metula had 2.7 million in a travel bag in her bedroom. Of course, he wanted to be a millionaire, so he traveled over to her house, broke in and took the bag… and was arrested on the way out. But even if he’d gotten away it would not have been worth the effort. The bag he tried to steal did contain millions, but it was millions of Turkish Lira… worth about one U.S. Dollar.

FILE #2: On trial for car theft — so, how do you go to court? Police in San Anselmo, Calif. charge Tony Van showed up at the courthouse in a stolen Lexus SUV. Police say they investigated the SUV after some people reported several Yorkshire terriers had been left alone. Van was also charged with animal cruelty and leaving animals in an unattended vehicle. As for the first case, the San Francisco hairstylist was convicted of having a stolen $125,000 Porsche Carrera.

FILE #3: A Sacramento, California man, when confronted by a police officer, called to a site where someone reported a vehicle on the side of the road. When asked why his car was covered with piles of branches, tree limbs and weeds, he responded, “Do you guys think I’m crazy? It’s stolen!” Which it was according to police.

STRANGE LAW: In Tennessee it is illegal to use Lassos to catch a fish. (I guess a rusty hook is far more humane.)

THIS IS YOUR BRAIN ON DRUGS

When it’s time to take a nap, it’s best to first pull the car over.

Kermit Alen Gibbs was caught taking a nap sometime after midnight. Cass County, Missouri Sheriff Dwight Dielo said, “He ran off the road. It was a one-car accident.”  Deputies found Kermit’s car off Highway 71 with 100 pounds of marijuana inside. The driver was asleep when the accident took place, but woke up soon afterward.  Deputies allegedly found drug paraphernalia in the front seat of the car and a brick of marijuana in the back seat.  After the car was impounded, deputies said that they discovered 100 pounds of pot worth almost $75,000.  Prosecutor Chris Koster said, “Sometimes in law enforcement, you make progress because you’re good and sometimes you make progress because you’re lucky.”

PHONER PHUN

What’s the best part time job that you’ve ever had?

Growing up, what’s the one rule you always had a hard time following?

BIBLE BRAIN BUSTER!

QUESTION: What evil priest had Jeremiah beaten and placed in chains?
ANSWER: Passhur (Jeremiah 20:1)

QUESTION IMPOSSIBLE

QUESTION: Half of all Americans live within 50 miles of what?
ANSWER: Their birthplace.

TRUE OR FALSE

Pay attention! If our next player doesn’t answer all ten T/F questions correctly we start all over from question #1! First person to answer question #10 correctly is our winner!

1. Basketball star Michael Jordan hit only five home runs during his minor league baseball career. (False – only three! His batting average was only .202. He struck out 114 times.)

2. Ten percent of Americans state they have never flossed their teeth. (False – twenty percent.)

3. In seafaring parlance, “avast” means stop. (True)

4. It was Leonardo da Vinci who first discovered that a tree’s age is recorded in its rings. (True)

5. The combined wealth of the world’s 250 richest people is greater than the combined wealth of the poorest 1.5 billion people. (True)

6. Amathophobia is a morbid fear of doing math. (False – it’s a fear of dust.)

7. Anthropologists know of no human society whose children do not play hide and seek. (True)

8. Thomas Jefferson was the first person to import vanilla to the United States. (True)

9. During the 1905 football season, 18 men were killed in college games in the United States and 159 were permanently injured. (True)

10. Chronomentrophobia is a fear of clocks. (True)

TABLOID MATCH GAME

You have to match the blank in the tabloid headline with the word or phrase that has been removed!

AQUA _____ (CAR)

Volkswagen has designed a car that runs on land and sea.

The Volkswagen Aqua Car is designed to run on “tarmac, sand, ice… and water:”

It features a shiny, sleek design with four fans and integrated airbags that inflate to make it hover.

And it’s also environmentally-friendly as its two motors are powered by a hydrogen fuel cell — with zero carbon emissions.

One of the motors inflates a “skirt” around the vehicle to lift it off the ground, while the other drives it forward and controls direction.

The Aqua car is described as “air cushion vehicle”, which the Daily Mail reports Chinese designer Yuhan Zhang, 21, as calling the best mode of transport because “it travels equally well over land, ice and water.”

The Aqua car, Car Body Design points out, is a hovercraft that would be supported by one engine creating air pressure under the vehicle and propelled and directed by additional engines seen on the back and the sides. Note how the side propellers are fashioned to look like traditional wheels.

THE WAY TOO EARLY IN THE MORNING TO UNDERSTAND THE PUNCHLINE EVEN AFTER TWO CUPS OF COFFEE JOKE OF THE DAY 

JOKE #1

This lady surprised a burglar in her kitchen. He was all loaded down with the things he was going to steal. She had no weapon and was all alone. The only thing that she could think to do was quote scripture. So, she holds up a hand and says, “ACTS 2:38!”

The burglar quakes in fear and then freezes to the point that she is able to get to the phone and call 911 for the cops.

When the cops arrive, the burglar is still frozen in place. They are very much surprised that a woman alone with no weapon could do this.

One of them asked the lady, “How did you do this?”

The woman replied, “I quoted scripture.”

The cop turned the burglar, “What was it about the scripture that had such an effect on you?”

The burglar replied, “Scripture! What scripture? I thought she said she had an axe and two 38’s.”

JOKE #2

With only two tellers working at the bank, the line I was standing in was moving very slowly. As I waited, I began to fill in my withdrawal slip.

Not sure of the date, I turned and asked the woman behind me.

“It’s the fifth,” she replied.

From the back of the line a man advised, “Don’t write it in yet!”

JOKE #3

Joe’s wife likes to sing so she decided to join the church choir. From time to time she would practice while she was in the kitchen preparing dinner.

Whenever she would start in on a song, Joe would head outside to the porch.

His wife, with hurt feelings, said, “What’s the matter, Joe? Don’t you like my singing?”

Joe replied, “Honey, I love your singing, but I just want to make sure the neighbors know I’m not beating you.”

USELESS FACTS

Animal researchers say that elephants may have self-awareness like humans after an elephant proved that she recognized herself in a mirror.  ***And immediately thought, “Dang, I’m fat!”

A German university hospital is doing a study to see if a high-fat diet prevents cancer.  ***Man, I hope so… I’ll live forever!

FEATURED FUNNIES

A new missionary recruit went to Venezuela for the first time. He was struggling with the language and didn’t understand a whole lot of what was going on. Intending to visit one of the local churches, he got lost, but eventually got back on track and found the place.

Having arrived late, the church was already packed. The only pew left was the one on the front row. So as not to make a fool of himself, he decided to pick someone out of the crowd to imitate. He chose to follow the man sitting next to him on the front pew. As they sang, the man clapped his hands, so the missionary recruit clapped too.

When the man stood up to pray, the missionary recruit stood up too. When the man sat down, he sat down. When the man held the cup and bread for the Lord’s Supper, he held the cup and bread. During the preaching, the recruit didn’t understand a thing. He just sat there and tried to look just like that man in the front pew.

Then he perceived that the preacher was giving announcements. People clapped, so he looked to see if the man was clapping. He was, and so the recruit clapped too.

Then the preacher said some words that he didn’t understand and he saw the man next to him stand up. So he stood up too. Suddenly a hush fell over the entire congregation. A few people gasped. He looked around and saw that nobody else was standing. So he sat down.

After the service ended, the preacher stood at the door shaking the hands of those who were leaving. When the missionary recruit stretched out his hand to greet the preacher, the preacher said, in English, “I take it you don’t speak Spanish.”

The missionary recruit replied, “No, I don’t. It’s that obvious?”

“Well yes,” said the preacher, “I announced that the Acosta family had a newborn baby boy and would the proud father please stand up.”

IT MUST BE TRUE BECAUSE I HEARD IT ON THE RADIO!

NO MORE SHOWERS?

In the future you might not be taking a bath or a shower!

…You could be cleaning yourself the same way you wash your clothes! A Japanese cosmetic company is now offering a human washing machine at its Avant salons in Tokyo and other cities. The tube-like device looks a little like a CAT-scanner or some other high-tech piece of medical equipment. The machine shampoos and dries your body and even provides a little massage.  The customer’s head is left outside the machine, so it won’t wash your hair. The service is $40 for a half hour. But don’t look to be getting one of these machines in your house anytime soon — they cost 161-thousand dollars! ***MARLAR: And just make sure you don’t accidentally wear red socks while in the machine, otherwise you’ll turn pink.

INSPIRATIONAL INSPIRATION

THE REFINING PROCESS

Some time ago, a few ladies met in a certain city to study the scriptures. While reading the third chapter of Malachi, they came upon a remarkable expression in the third verse:

“And He shall sit as a refiner and purifier of silver.” Malachi 3:3

One lady proposed to visit a silversmith, and report to them on what he said about the subject. She went accordingly, and without telling the object of her errand, begged the silversmith to tell her about the process of refining silver.

After he had fully described it to her, she asked, “But Sir, do you sit while the work of refining is going on?”

“Oh, yes madam,” replied the silversmith; “I must sit with my eyes steadily fixed on the furnace, for if the time necessary for refining be exceeded in the slightest degree, the silver will be injured.”

The lady at once saw the beauty, and comfort too, of the expression, “He shall sit as a refiner and purifier of silver.”. God sees it needful to put His children into a furnace; His eye is steadily intent on the work of purifying, and His wisdom and love are both engaged in the best manner for us.

Our trials do not come at random, and He will not let us be tested beyond what we can endure.

Before she left, the lady asked one final question, “When do you know the process is complete?”

“Why, that is quite simple,” replied the silversmith. “When I can see my own image in the silver, the refining process is finished.”

DRIVE TIME DEVOTIONAL

BEHIND THE LABEL

Read: 1 Peter 1:3-2:3

Rid yourselves of all malice and all deceit, hypocrisy, envy, and slander of every kind. –1 Peter 2:1

If you take your summer vacation in Bogota, Colombia, you’ll see a lot of restaurants and products that remind you of the USA. You’ll find Dunkin’ Donuts and Pizza Hut. But you’ll also find places like Whopper King, Friday’s, and Benny’s–eating places which imitate the well-known US franchises Burger King, TGI Friday’s, and Ben & Jerry’s.

Benny’s has the same type of sign, the same dairy cow motif, and even many of the same Ben & Jerry’s ice cream names. But there is a big difference–quality. Ben & Jerry’s version of Cherry Garcia has cherry ice cream and chunks of chocolate and cherries. But according to one reporter, the Benny’s version is “a bland mix of artificial-tasting ice cream and candied cherries.”

Clothing companies are doing the same, producing cheap copies of athletic shoes or jeans and sticking a popular brand name on them.

According to Myriam Henao of the Universidad del Valle in Bogota, “Acquiring [the] label becomes more important than having the quality of the genuine item.”

A similar tactic is being carried out throughout the world in the most unlikely places–among people who wear the label “Christian.” It happens every time people talk and act as if they were strong believers, when actually they seldom open their Bible. They don’t even think about praying or applying biblical principles to the way they behave on a date or how they work on the job.

What label do you and I wear? Do we profess to be more than we are so that we can fit in with the church crowd and make people happy? Or are we serious enough about our faith in Christ to be honest when we face spiritual struggles? Are we concentrating on obeying Christ in every area of life?

Let’s not give ourselves a label unless we have the quality to go with it. –KD

LEFTOVERS

JAMES BOND TRUCK

In every James Bond movie you see a really cool car with lots of gadgets. And, up until now, it’s always been a small sports car that 007 used to chase the bad guys, but now it’s a truck!

However… it’s not in a movie this time… it’s owned by the U.S. Army! An army of one! The Smar Truck looks like an ordinary van but has armored plates and gadgets to confuse the enemy. It can disorient enemies with unusual headlights, it has electrified door handles (in case the bad guys try to steal the truck), and, of course, it can blow out a smoke screen to blind the guy that’s chasing you. ***MARLAR: I’m looking forward to the day that this hits the commercial market… this is my kind of vehicle! The new army van also has bullet-proof glass. Which I’ll probably need once my wife finds out how much I spent on it.

LIFE… LIVE IT

MEMORY LAPSE

Having some memory trouble? Cut back on the diet soft drinks!

…Artificial sweeteners can cause you to lose more than weight. They can cause you to lose your memory. Researchers at Texas Christian University found that consuming aspartame, the sweetener found in many diet soft drinks, can impair long-term memory. Dr. Timothy Barth, who conducted the study, says it doesn’t take much, either. Drinking more than one or two diet sodas daily can make you forget how to do things you thought had become second nature, things like cooking a familiar recipe or where you keep things like your keys. ***MARLAR: In other news, it’s recently been discovered that artificial sweeteners could cause you to lose your memory.  Details coming up.

JUST FOR FUN

COMPUTER GAME DESTROYS RELATIONSHIP

Addiction to computer games can even cause damaged relationships.

A US computer-game addict played in a hospital delivery room as his partner gave birth. Manda Erickson says her husband plays the Internet cybergame EverQuest for up to 20 hours a day and has virtually abandoned their seven-month-old daughter. Ms Erickson is part of an online community of ‘cyber widows’ who claim they have had their relationships ruined by the game. She says that she and her husband have no relationship. She speaks, he grunts. She asks him to do something, she ends up doing it herself. She’d like to go back to work, but she’s afraid that her daughter will be crying and her hubby will be too busy playing computer games to do anything about it. ***MARLAR: So she has a husband that doesn’t want to do anything. How is that different from any other household in America?

FUN LIST

JINGLE MEMORY GAME

Jog Your Jingle Memory game. Name the product that goes with the jingle.

  • It’s an up thing …. (7-Up)
  • Fall into the … (Gap)
  • Come see the softer side of … (Sears)
  • Be all that you can be (Army)
  • Everybody needs a little … (KFC)
  • Mmmmmm good, mmmmmmm good, that’s what … (Campbell’s Soup)
  • Nothing beats a great …. (Pair of Leggs)
  • Oh, I wish I were an … (Oscar Meyer weiner)
  • The best part of waking up … (Folgers)
  • You’ll love it at … (Levitz)
  • Gimme a break, gimme a break, break me off a … (Kit-Kat bar)

MORE SHOW PREP STUFF…

Catching enough ‘Z’s’ could be more critical to your health than you may realize.

…A new study suggests people who get less than six hours of sleep per night could be at an increased risk for heart attacks and strokes. A long-term study based upon thousands of people from eight countries found lack of sleep contributes to high blood pressure and cholesterol, diabetes, and obesity.

OTHER STUFF I WANT TO CRAM INTO TODAY’S PREP

Research on vegetables and aging gives moms another reason to say “I told you so.” The research found that eating vegetables appears to help keep the brain young and may slow the mental decline sometimes associated with growing old. On measures of mental sharpness, older people who ate more than two servings of vegetables daily appeared about five years younger at the end of the six-year study than those who ate few or no vegetables.

What’s worse: skipping breakfast or eating a doughnut? Downing the doughnut. All that sweet stuff is only going to make you hungrier in a couple of hours when your blood sugar crashes. Also know that skipping breakfast won’t bring on the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse. Your body has plenty of stored fuel to carry you through to lunch.  Mike Roussell, Ph.D., says, “I even encourage some of my clients to skip a meal every so often so they know what it’s like to feel hungry, deal with it, and not freak… think of it as your willpower workout.”

A $60 million attraction with unprecedented technology will open on Independence Mall in fall 2018. The American Bible Society announced this week that the new attraction will be called the Faith & Liberty Discovery Center. It will highlight how, from past to present, the Bible has changed those who have changed America.   http://dlvr.it/NHh74v

In the early 1980s, Lee Strobel, an atheist and legal editor of the Chicago Tribune, decided to investigate the facts surrounding the case for Christianity — largely to discredit the faith after his wife converted. The result was the popular book, “The Case for Christ.” Now, “The Case for Christ” has been turned into a movie – set for release on April 7.  http://dlvr.it/NJNg2x

A young woman narrowly escaped being kidnapped, thanks to the help of some friends at the Bible study she was attending.
http://dlvr.it/NJWpn4

Looking for a new source for kids’ music? The Music company Integrity Music Kids has just released a new Kids Worship Youtube channel! Check out the new music site at http://youtube.com/integritymusickidsworship.

Normally you hear of kind acts done for the elderly. But this time an elderly woman did a kind act for an exhausted mom!  This short description doesn’t do the story justice, and really need to read it for yourself.  You can read the full story at http://fb.me/1GZ9Pj3Fd

Step into any drug store this week and you won’t be able to miss the fact that Valentine’s Day is fast approaching. But as important as the big holidays, occasions and milestones are, there’s something to be said about showing love in the day-to-day. After all, relationships are built one day at a time – in the chores, child rearing efforts, and challenges the daily routine brings. Focus on the Family is here to help with free resources and a myriad of ideas.
http://jimdaly.focusonthefamily.com/youre-preparing-valentines-day-ready-day-day/

AND I LEAVE YOU WITH THIS THOUGHT

I’ll see you tomorrow or the next day, whichever comes first.

THE TICKET Movie Reviews with MARIE ASNER

Marie Asner has been reviewing films for over 35 years. Her outlets include radio, print and Internet. For more in-depth movie reviews of the following films, visit www.Tollbooth.org. Ratings from 1 (Low) to 5 (High).

FEBRUARY 03, 2017…

Opening moved ahead from an earlier date) The Space Between Us—On a colonization voyage to Mars, it is discovered that one of the female astronauts is pregnant.  This results in the first child, a boy, being born on Mars, but in that atmosphere, gravity, etc. Fast forward to teen years, and the kid (Asa Butterfield) knows about Earth and even has a girl friend, Britt Robertson (Skype) he writes to.  However, something happens and Asa ends up on Earth. “The Space Between Us” is rated PG 13. Rating of 2 for fans.

Rings—Johnny Galecki is one of the stars in a remake/new episode of the Japanese supernatural film about a haunting that occurs seven days after you have viewed a video tape. “Something” comes out of a dark hole and comes after you. This film is set thirteen years after the original. Can’t keep a good DVD down. The original was popular and here we go again.  Also in the cast are Vincent Onofrio, Alex Rae, and Matilda Lutz. “Rings” is rated R. Rating of 2 for fans.

The Comedian—Comics sometimes have a dark streak in them and such is the theme in the film starring Robert De Niro. He is a comedian who tries a comeback but gets into trouble. This film is directed by Taylor Hackford who is also Helen Mirren’s husband.  No, she is not in this film, but Leslie Mann, Danny De Vito and Edie Jolie are. “The Comedian” is rated R. No rating.

FEBRUARY 10, 2017…

Fifty Shades Darker continues the romance between Dakota Johnson and Jamie Dorman. Adult film.

John Wick: Chapter 2 with Keanu Reeves as the action guy with an attitude. The first film was surprisingly successful.

The Lego Batman Movie and with the popularity of “The Lego Movie,” this one is sure to have appeal.

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WARNING: Don’t believe anything you read on the Internet or email (including stuff you read here) unless you can confirm it with another source, and/or it is consistent with what you already know to be true. The opinions in this publication are not necessarily those of Darren Marlar, Marlar House Entertainment, OnAirPrep.com, or any company or organization affiliated with aforementioned. (Regardless of how stupid you may think those opinions are. So there – nyah!)

Darren Marlar credits all non-original material to the author whenever possible. All other material is original, used with permission, or author unknown. We welcome all comments, questions, and suggestions. Darren can be reached via his website at www.DarrenMarlar.com.