February 09, 2018: Friday ONAIRprep

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PRINT VERSIONS OF TODAY’S PREP:
ODT: 20180209
PDF: 20180209

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WELCOME TO THE SHOW!

I love radio. Radio is my life, my lover, my muse, my ticket to the big time. It also pays for my coffee addiction.

NEWSFLASH: Mankind’s intelligence is decreasing. Details at … uh … when the big hand is on the…

PRESIDENTIAL WIT & WISDOM (click here to buy the book)

(None on the weekends or holidays.)

“The spirit of resistance to government is so valuable on certain occasions, that I wish it to be always kept alive. It will often be exercised when wrong, but better so than not to be exercised at all. I like a little rebellion now and then. It is like a storm in the atmosphere.” – Thomas Jefferson

BIBLE VERSE OF THE DAY

“I have set my rainbow in the clouds, and it will be the sign of the covenant between me and the earth.” –Genesis 9:13

He who pursues righteousness and love finds life, prosperity, and honor. — Proverbs 21:21

Peter and John replied, “Judge for yourselves whether it is right in God’s sight to obey you rather than God. For we cannot help speaking about what we have seen and heard.” — Acts 4:19-20

HEARTLIGHT DAILY VERSE, PRAYER & THOUGHT

(From VerseOfTheDay.com)

If anyone acknowledges that Jesus is the Son of God, God lives in him and he in God. — 1 John 4:15

Thought: “Jesus is the Son of God.” Six simple words. They are much more than simple words, however; they are the doorway that opens our heart to God. So tonight, as you confess Jesus as God’s Son, consciously and intentionally welcome God into your heart. The Father lives in the person who confesses the Son!

Prayer: Father, I want to live my life and center my heart in you. I gladly confess that Jesus is the Son of God, my Lord, and my Savior. I praise and thank you in the name of Jesus Christ. Amen.

The Thoughts and Prayers for Today’s Verse are written by Phil Ware. You can email questions or comments to phil@heartlight.org.

BIRTHDAY VERSE” OF THE DAY (The chapter and verse correspond to the month and day!)

1 Corinthians 2:9 NIV = However, as it is written: No eye has seen, no ear has heard, no mind has conceived what God has prepared for those who love him

TODAY IS FRIDAY – FEBRUARY 09, 2018

(NOTE: Some holidays may be duplicated due to various calendars reporting conflicting dates)
WEIRD, WACKY, STRANGE, ZANY, ODD, BIZARRE, QUIRKY, UNUSUAL HOLIDAYS!
THERE ARE ONLY
319 SHOPPING DAYS UNTIL NEXT CHRISTMAS.

Today is EXTRATERRESTRIAL CULTURE DAY, honoring past, present, and future extraterrestrial visitors.  ***And if that doesn’t sound odd or strange to you, you are more than likely a space case yourself.

Today is FISH & WILDLIFE DAY. ***In FEBRUARY?!?!  Who wants to go fishing or hunting when it’s 10 degrees outside?

Today is NATIONAL HOOKY DAY.  ***Kind of appropriate that it would come on Fish & Wildlife Day, isn’t it?  Seeing as it’s usually fishing that guys play hooky in order to do!

Today is NATIONAL BAGELS AND LOX DAY.  ***What exactly is a “lox” anyway?

Today is NATIONAL TOOTHACHE DAY and ST. APOLLONIA’S DAY, honoring the patron saint of dentists and people with toothaches.  ***Holy cow… is there anything in this world that doesn’t have a patron saint?  Is there a patron saint of bagels and lox too?

TODAY IS ALSO…

National Bagel Day
National Pizza Day
Read in the Bathtub Day
Toothache Day

COMING UP NEXT (Just a list, we are not endorsing the holidays posted below. Find more holidays and link to their websites at BrownieLocks.com)

SATURDAY, FEBRUARY 10

All The News That’s Fit To Print Day
National Home Warranty Day
Plimsoll Day

SUNDAY, FEBRUARY 11

Autism Sunday
Be Electrific Day
Don’t Cry Over Spilled Milk Day
International Day of Women and Girls in Science
Man Day
Get Out Your Guitar Day
Pro Sports Wives Day
National Inventors Day
National Shut-in Visitation Day
Satisfied Staying Single Day
White Shirt Day or White T-shirt Day
World Day of The Sick
World Marriage Day

MONDAY, FEBRUARY 12

Clean Out Your Computer Day
Darwin Day
Extraterrestrial Culture Day
Extraterrestrial Visitor Day
Lincoln’s Birthday
NAACP Day
Oglethorpe Day
Paul Bunyan Day
Safety Pup Day

TUESDAY, FEBRUARY 13

Desperation Day
Employee Legal Awareness Day
Galentine’s Day
Get a Different Name Day
International Condom Day
International Pancake Day
Pancake Day Race
Madly In Love With Me Day
National Wingman’s Day
Mardi Gras
Paczki Day
World Radio Day

WEDNESDAY, FEBRUARY 14

Ferris Wheel Day
International Book Giving Day
Frederick Douglass Day
League of Women Voters Day
Pet Theft Awareness Day
Library Lovers Day
National Have A Heart Day
National Donor Day
National Women’s Heart Day
Quirky Alone Day
Race Relations Day
Singles Awareness Day or Singles Appreciation Day
Valentines Day
(World) Congenital Heart Defect Awareness Day
World Sound Healing Day

THURSDAY, FEBRUARY 15

Angelman Syndrome Day
Annoy Squidward Day (aka Your Boss)
Lupercalia
National Gum Drop Day
National Hippo Day
Remember The Maine Day
Susan B. Anthony Day
Westminster Dog Show

FRIDAY, FEBRUARY 16

Kyoto Protocol Day
Losar
National Almond Day
National Caregivers Day
Tartar Sauce Day
World Information Architecture Day

ON THIS DAY

1825: The U. S. House of Representatives elected John Quincy Adams president after no candidate won a majority of electoral votes. ***So it CAN happen!

1869: The horsecycle was patented. It was a bicycle that looked like a horse; and supposedly it wouldn’t scare horses that you met along the road.

1877: The National Weather Service was founded. ***Creating the second department of government that was wrong all the time, right after Congress.

1942: Daylight-saving ”war time” went into effect in the United States, with clocks turned one hour forward.

1942: The Philadelphia Phillies changed their name to the Phils. Fans continued to call them the Phillies..

1953: “The Adventures of Superman” debuted in television syndication. In the original episode, with destruction of the planet Krypton eminent, Jor-El and his wife Lara sent their infant son Kal-El to Earth in a small rocket, where he was discovered and reared by Eben and Sarah Kent. They named their adopted son Clark.

1964: G.I. Joe was introduced. ***Thus Ken finally had a rival for Barbie’s affection. Though tempted by a man in uniform, Barbie decided to stay with Ken after all.

1964: In their first live American TV appearance, the Beatles drew 73.7-million viewers to The Ed Sullivan Show. They were paid $2,400 to sing “All My Loving,” “Till There Was You,” “She Loves You,” “I Saw Her Standing There,” and “I Want To Hold Your Hand.”

1971: Pitcher Satchel Paige became the first Negro League player elected the baseball Hall of Fame.

1981: Rock legend Bill Haley died at age 55 of a heart attack at his home in Harlingen, Texas. He had 21 singles on the Billboard pop charts in the mid-50s, including “Rock Around the Clock,” “Burn That Candle,” and “See You Later, Alligator.”

1987: Twenty years after the first woman was admitted to the New York Stock Exchange, the Exchange Luncheon Club decided to install a ladies rest room. For 20 years the ladies had to walk downstairs to find a ladies room.

1989: Witnesses at a New Jersey hearing on the deregulation of professional wrestling testified that the sport was a fake.

1997: “The Simpsons” became the longest-running prime-time animated TV series, besting the six-season record previously held by “The Flintstones.” (audio clip)

1997: Best Products closed the last of its stores, as the catalog-showroom concept of retailing diminished.

2003: President Bush declared to congressional Republicans that Iraq had fooled the world for more than a decade about its banned weapons of mass destruction and the UN was now facing “a moment of truth” in disarming Saddam Hussein.

2003: A one-armed lifeguard was named as one of the best in his job in Chile. Forty-eight-year-old Francisco Aguilera Morales, the official lifeguard of San Carlos Beach, lost his right arm above the elbow in a childhood accident. But it hadn’t stopped him working as a lifeguard for 14 years. Morales said, “I grab their neck with what’s left of my right arm and swim back using the left arm.” He was honored for saving 22 people in 2002.

2006: President Bush said international cooperation had derailed a terrorist plot to fly an airplane into the 73-story Library Tower in Los Angeles.

TODAY IN CHRISTIAN HISTORY

249: According to Dionysius (died c. 264), bishop of Alexandria, on this date, Roman officials “seized that marvelous aged virgin Apolloinia, broke out all her teeth with blows on her jaws, and piling up a bonfire before the city, threatened to burn her alive if she refused to recite with them their blasphemous sayings. But she asked for a brief delay and without flinching leapt into the fire and was consumed.”

1881: Russian novelist Fyodor Dostoyevsky dies. A devout Russian Orthodox Christian, the author of Crime and Punishment (1866) and The Brothers Karamazov (1880) once wrote “If someone proved to me that Christ is outside the truth, and that in reality the truth were outside of Christ, then I should prefer to remain with Christ rather than with the truth.

HOLLYWOOD, SPORTS AND CELEBRITY FIGURE BIRTHDAYS

  • actress (Game of Thrones, Downton Abbey) Rose Leslie, 31

  • actor (Creed, Fruitvale Station) Michael B. Jordon, 31

  • actor (Loki in Marvel films, the upcoming Kong: Skull Island) Tom Hiddleston, 37

  • actor (“It’s Always Sunny in Philadelphia”) Charlie Day, 42

  • actress (Baseball Wives, Family Law, Doc Hollywood) Julie Warner 53

  • actress (“Who’s the Boss,” “Law & Order SVU”) Judith Light 69 (audio clip)

  • actress (“Third Watch,” Hannah & Her Sisters, Rosemary’s Baby) Mia Farrow 73

  • actor (My Cousin Vinnie, Goodfellas, Lethal Weapon II, III & IV) Joe Pesci 75

BEE-BOP BIRTHDAYS

(Music Artist Birthdays From SongFacts.com)

1909 : Carmen Miranda

1914 : Ernest Tubb

1939 : Barry Mann

1940 : Brian Bennett (the Shadows)

1942 : Carole King

1942 : Mark Mathis (The Newbeats)

1943 : Barbara Lewis

1947 : Joe Ely

1947 : Major Harris

1951 : Dennis “DT” Thomas (Kool and the Gang)

1963 : Travis Tritt

SECRETS OF THE UNIVERSE (Answering questions that have plagued mankind for minutes!)

Can people with arthritis predict changes in the weather because their bones ache?

So what if they can? Big deal. I’ll turn on the radio and get the weather report. But are such people right? Can they feel it in their bones? Or is it just hot air when they prognosticate precipitation? You would think that with the marvels of modern medicine and the fortune we spend on research, we would have stumbled on a definitive answer to this question… but we haven’t. One thing that research does point to is the likelihood that arthritis often signals to sufferers some change in the weather, but it doesn’t indicate specifically what’s coming. That’s about as useful as predicting that future developments will develop.

NEWS KICKERS

(None on weekends. Want a customizable version with your specific station tag, FREE? Email me for more information! )

NEW NEWS KICKERS…

(Not posted on weekends and U.S. holidays.)

A study says two drinks a day can help fight Alzheimer’s Disease. ***I say we stop the studies here and somebody grab me a Guinness.

Philadelphia closed its schools yesterday for a parade for their NFL World Champion Eagles. ***Between the celebratory riots and now a parade, at least the city clean-up crews have job security for the foreseeable future.

Jim Carrey is selling his Facebook stock and shutting down his page because “they profited from Russian interference in our elections.”  ***Meanwhile, I’m boycotting Jim Carrey because he made money from the terrorist act of filming “Ace Venture: Pet Detective”.

Denmark is getting ready to ban Islamic veils. ***Yet wearing your pants down to your knees with your underwear showing is still somehow socially acceptable.

The owner of the Los Angeles Times is expected to sell the paper to L.A.-based billionaire Patrick Soon-Shiong. ***Spending money to buy a dying medium like newspaper, he should change his name to Patrick Soon-Broke.

In Fostoria, Ohio, teenager Kesley Johnson got highlights in her hair for her birthday. Her father did not like this. So he forced her to get a super short haircut. Her mortified mother, Christin Johnson, then took to Facebook to share photos writing: “[This is] what happened today before she was brought to me.” According to Haskins Police Chief Colby Carroll, Christin says her daughter’s father and stepmother had Kelsey’s hair cut as a punishment. Police and children’s services are now investigating a possible abuse complaint. ***Since when is forcing your kid to get a haircut considered child abuse?  What ever happened to disciplining your child as you see fit?  She doesn’t have broken bones, bruises down her arms and legs, she doesn’t have a black eye, she’s well fed, she is enrolled in school, she has parents watching over her… this is just a haircut.  It’ll grow back, and maybe she’ll learn to listen to her dad next time when he tells her not to do something.  That’s parenting.

Frito-Lay is making a women-friendly chip that doesn’t crunch.  ***Raise of hands ladies… how many of you stuff that’s limpy?  I thought so.  (Sounds like a few Frito Lay’s managers are cracked!)

Baseball is upon us. Pitchers and catchers report next week on Valentine’s Day. ***Doesn’t that just scream “romance”?

Kylie Jenner has named her new baby, Stormi. ***Which perfectly sums up everything that is Kardashian.

Injured Philadelphia Quarterback Carson Wentz not only got a Super Bowl ring on Sunday, he also gave a ring to his girlfriend, now fiance.  ***She’s his favorite tight-end.

The big scandal in Australia these days is about the Deputy Prime Minister, Barnaby Joyce, who is married with four daughters. He’s now admitting to an affair with a staffer and is expecting a child with that former employee.  ***Wow!  You’d think being a geriatric private eye would be enough to wear the guy out.  No… wait… that’s Barnaby Jones.  Never mind.

In Russia, Moscow is struggling with what is being called the “snowfall of the century.”  ***In America, we’re dealing with an avalanche of millennial snowflakes.

A report says banks have closed 1,700 branches in the past year, the fastest pace on record. ***Fortunately, George Bailey was able to use his honeymoon savings to save the Bailey Building & Loan in Bedford Falls.

Fifty percent of consumers didn’t tune in to the NFL this year because of player protests, per a UBS Securities survey. An additional 29% said they didn’t tune in because they’re not as interested in the sport, while 23% cited players’ behavior off the field as their reason for not watching. ***We kept watching when players were charged with drug possession, domestic violence, cruelty to animals, and murder…. but taking a knee during the national anthem we will not abide by!

NEWS KICKER EVERGREENS…

(Not posted on weekends and U.S. holidays.)

(PERENNIAL) Iran has banned the production of Valentine’s Day gifts and any promotion of the day celebrating romantic love to combat what it sees as a spread of Western culture, Iranian media reported.  The February 14 celebration named after a Christian saint is not officially banned but hardliners have repeatedly warned about the corruptive spread of Western values. The printing works owners’ union issued an instruction on the ban, imposed by Iranian authorities, covering gifts such as cards, boxes with the symbols of hearts and red roses.  ***If you live in Iran you can still get married and have kids… but you’d better danged well not enjoy it!

The central Chinese city of Wuhan has a law that fines women who have children out of wedlock.  ***Which only makes sense, because, as we all know, men have absolutely nothing to do with the reproductive process.

No matter where you work or what you do, chances are you will feel the most stressed on Tuesdays. And if you want to be even more specific, the stress will peak at 11:45am. That’s the word from researchers at Clasado Ltd., the UK company that makes the health supplement Bimuno. Conventional wisdom maintains that Monday is the most stress-filled day. But most workers coast through Monday, spending the day getting their brain in gear and catching up with gossip from the weekend through social networking sites. 53% of those polled admitted they don’t do much work on Monday, and 10% said they spend a lot of this work day on Facebook and Twitter. ***Which is exactly why if you want to be satisfied in your job, you spend more time on Facebook and Twitter EVERY day!  (Do you think my boss will go for that?)

Could exercise actually be bad for some healthy people? A well-known group of researchers, including one who helped write the scientific paper justifying national guidelines that promote exercise for all, say the answer may be a qualified yes.  By analyzing data from six rigorous exercise studies involving 1,687 people, the group found that about 10 percent actually got worse on at least one of the measures related to heart disease: blood pressure and levels of insulin, HDL cholesterol or triglycerides. About 7 percent got worse on at least two measures. And the researchers say they do not know why. ***Sounds like I should probably avoid working out entirely.  You know, just to be safe.

Is there a doctor on board? Surprisingly often, there is – in half of in-flight medical emergencies – and sick airline passengers almost always survive, a new study finds.  The research is the largest look yet at what happens to people who develop a medical problem on a commercial flight – about 44,000 of the 2.75 billion passengers worldwide each year according to researchers.  ***Although that’d likely be cut in half if they just stopped serving in-flight meals.

Britons trying to cheer up their hospitalized friends and relatives often have to do so standing up; sitting on the bed usually isn’t allowed.  In a commentary published recently in the British medical journal BMJ, Dr. Iona Heath argues the recommendation is unjustified and denies patients the chance to be close to their loved ones.  British authorities claim the ban on sitting is needed to prevent patients from getting infected by visitors and health care staff.  ***You can stick your fingers inside a patient during a checkup or surgery, but don’t sit next to them on their bed because that could be dangerous!

AS THE JUNGLE TURNS

(Not updated on weekends and U.S. holidays.)

CLICK HERE TO DOWNLOAD FRIDAY’S EPISODE

OPEN: And now, FancyMonkey.com, (Show Name), and (Station Call Letters) bring you As the Jungle Turns! When last we left the jungle, all of the jungle animals had pretty much stopped making all of their own decisions in what to do during the day, because they had a new friend in the jungle – a small lion. And lions are king of the jungle, so now all decisions, big and small, are being decided by the little guy…

CLOSE: Uh oh, looks like the jungle animals might be thinking about changing their mind about their new king! Will they plan an animal coup? We’ll find out next time, As the Jungle Turns!

***You may simulcast “As the Jungle Turns” on the Internet stream of your live broadcast only. Any other Internet use of “As the Jungle Turns” in whole or part including podcasting of your live broadcast is a violation of copyright law. Thank you for your cooperation on this vitally important issue. If you have any questions, please e-mail us and ask about “Jungle Jam & Friends the Radio Show” usage.

MOMENT OF DUH
When wanting to defrost something, it’s best to use the proper equipment…

…and that’s not a candle. A teenager in Austria learned this the hard way when he came across a frozen doughnut. The 19-year-old was attending a ball in Vienna, when he wandered into the kitchen and came across the doughnut in the freezer. He took the doughnut to another room to defrost it with a candle, but the flame set fire to a sofa. The blaze quickly spread to wood paneling. Police managed to evacuate 600 partygoers but the 19-year-old fire starter was hurt as he tried unsuccessfully to extinguish the blaze before it could spread further. Most of the damage to the ballroom was from thick smoke that filled every room and will cost thousands of dollars to repair. ***MARLAR: Firefighters are investigating the blaze, while police officers are checking the doughnut filled freezer.

TOP TEN

TOP 10 GENEALOGY ONE-LINERS

10. My family coat of arms ties at the back… is that normal?

9. My family tree is a few branches short! All help appreciated.

8. My ancestors must be in a witness protection program!

7. Shake your family tree and watch the nuts fall!

6. How can one ancestor cause so much TROUBLE?!

5. I looked into my family tree and found out I was a sap… I’m not stuck, I’m ancestrally challenged.

4. I’m searching for myself; Have you seen me?

3. After 30 days unclaimed ancestors will be adopted.

2. Any family tree produces some lemons, some nuts, and a few bad apples.

1. A family tree can wither if nobody tends its roots.

THE FILES OF LAW & DISORDER

A man steals a purse in order to become a millionaire, but loses on more than one front.

FILE #1: A man from Safed, Israel heard that a woman in Metula had 2.7 million in a travel bag in her bedroom. Of course, he wanted to be a millionaire, so he traveled over to her house, broke in and took the bag… and was arrested on the way out. But even if he’d gotten away it would not have been worth the effort. The bag he tried to steal did contain millions, but it was millions of Turkish Lira… worth about one U.S. Dollar.

FILE #2: On trial for car theft — so, how do you go to court? Police in San Anselmo, Calif. charge Tony Van showed up at the courthouse in a stolen Lexus SUV. Police say they investigated the SUV after some people reported several Yorkshire terriers had been left alone. Van was also charged with animal cruelty and leaving animals in an unattended vehicle. As for the first case, the San Francisco hairstylist was convicted of having a stolen $125,000 Porsche Carrera.

FILE #3: A Sacramento, California man, when confronted by a police officer, called to a site where someone reported a vehicle on the side of the road. When asked why his car was covered with piles of branches, tree limbs and weeds, he responded, “Do you guys think I’m crazy? It’s stolen!” Which it was according to police.

STRANGE LAW: In Tennessee it is illegal to use Lassos to catch a fish. (I guess a rusty hook is far more humane.)

THIS IS YOUR BRAIN ON DRUGS

This Is Your Brain On Drugs” is about people doing dumb things under the influence, but addiction is no laughing matter. If you or someone you know needs help, there’s a toll free number you can call 1-800-438-0380. That’s the Addiction Hope and Help Line at 1-800-438-0380.

When it’s time to take a nap, it’s best to first pull the car over.

Kermit Alen Gibbs was caught taking a nap sometime after midnight. Cass County, Missouri Sheriff Dwight Dielo said, “He ran off the road. It was a one-car accident.”  Deputies found Kermit’s car off Highway 71 with 100 pounds of marijuana inside. The driver was asleep when the accident took place, but woke up soon afterward.  Deputies allegedly found drug paraphernalia in the front seat of the car and a brick of marijuana in the back seat.  After the car was impounded, deputies said that they discovered 100 pounds of pot worth almost $75,000.  Prosecutor Chris Koster said, “Sometimes in law enforcement, you make progress because you’re good and sometimes you make progress because you’re lucky.”

PHONER PHUN

What’s the best part time job that you’ve ever had?

Growing up, what’s the one rule you always had a hard time following?

BIBLE BRAIN BUSTER!

QUESTION: What evil priest had Jeremiah beaten and placed in chains?
ANSWER: Passhur (Jeremiah 20:1)

QUESTION IMPOSSIBLE

QUESTION: Half of all Americans live within 50 miles of what?
ANSWER: Their birthplace.

TRUE OR FALSE

Pay attention! If our next player doesn’t answer all ten T/F questions correctly we start all over from question #1! First person to answer question #10 correctly is our winner!

1. Basketball star Michael Jordan hit only five home runs during his minor league baseball career. (False – only three! His batting average was only .202. He struck out 114 times.)

2. Ten percent of Americans state they have never flossed their teeth. (False – twenty percent.)

3. In seafaring parlance, “avast” means stop. (True)

4. It was Leonardo da Vinci who first discovered that a tree’s age is recorded in its rings. (True)

5. The combined wealth of the world’s 250 richest people is greater than the combined wealth of the poorest 1.5 billion people. (True)

6. Amathophobia is a morbid fear of doing math. (False – it’s a fear of dust.)

7. Anthropologists know of no human society whose children do not play hide and seek. (True)

8. Thomas Jefferson was the first person to import vanilla to the United States. (True)

9. During the 1905 football season, 18 men were killed in college games in the United States and 159 were permanently injured. (True)

10. Chronomentrophobia is a fear of clocks. (True)

TABLOID MATCH GAME

You have to match the blank in the tabloid headline with the word or phrase that has been removed!

AQUA _____ (CAR)

Volkswagen has designed a car that runs on land and sea.

The Volkswagen Aqua Car is designed to run on “tarmac, sand, ice… and water:”

It features a shiny, sleek design with four fans and integrated airbags that inflate to make it hover.

And it’s also environmentally-friendly as its two motors are powered by a hydrogen fuel cell — with zero carbon emissions.

One of the motors inflates a “skirt” around the vehicle to lift it off the ground, while the other drives it forward and controls direction.

The Aqua car is described as “air cushion vehicle”, which the Daily Mail reports Chinese designer Yuhan Zhang, 21, as calling the best mode of transport because “it travels equally well over land, ice and water.”

The Aqua car, Car Body Design points out, is a hovercraft that would be supported by one engine creating air pressure under the vehicle and propelled and directed by additional engines seen on the back and the sides. Note how the side propellers are fashioned to look like traditional wheels.

THE WAY TOO EARLY IN THE MORNING TO UNDERSTAND THE PUNCHLINE EVEN AFTER TWO CUPS OF COFFEE JOKE OF THE DAY 

JOKE #1

This lady surprised a burglar in her kitchen. He was all loaded down with the things he was going to steal. She had no weapon and was all alone. The only thing that she could think to do was quote scripture. So, she holds up a hand and says, “ACTS 2:38!”

The burglar quakes in fear and then freezes to the point that she is able to get to the phone and call 911 for the cops.

When the cops arrive, the burglar is still frozen in place. They are very much surprised that a woman alone with no weapon could do this.

One of them asked the lady, “How did you do this?”

The woman replied, “I quoted scripture.”

The cop turned the burglar, “What was it about the scripture that had such an effect on you?”

The burglar replied, “Scripture! What scripture? I thought she said she had an axe and two 38’s.”

JOKE #2

With only two tellers working at the bank, the line I was standing in was moving very slowly. As I waited, I began to fill in my withdrawal slip.

Not sure of the date, I turned and asked the woman behind me.

“It’s the fifth,” she replied.

From the back of the line a man advised, “Don’t write it in yet!”

JOKE #3

Joe’s wife likes to sing so she decided to join the church choir. From time to time she would practice while she was in the kitchen preparing dinner.

Whenever she would start in on a song, Joe would head outside to the porch.

His wife, with hurt feelings, said, “What’s the matter, Joe? Don’t you like my singing?”

Joe replied, “Honey, I love your singing, but I just want to make sure the neighbors know I’m not beating you.”

USELESS FACTS

Animal researchers say that elephants may have self-awareness like humans after an elephant proved that she recognized herself in a mirror.  ***And immediately thought, “Dang, I’m fat!”

A German university hospital is doing a study to see if a high-fat diet prevents cancer.  ***Man, I hope so… I’ll live forever!

FEATURED FUNNIES

A new missionary recruit went to Venezuela for the first time. He was struggling with the language and didn’t understand a whole lot of what was going on. Intending to visit one of the local churches, he got lost, but eventually got back on track and found the place.

Having arrived late, the church was already packed. The only pew left was the one on the front row. So as not to make a fool of himself, he decided to pick someone out of the crowd to imitate. He chose to follow the man sitting next to him on the front pew. As they sang, the man clapped his hands, so the missionary recruit clapped too.

When the man stood up to pray, the missionary recruit stood up too. When the man sat down, he sat down. When the man held the cup and bread for the Lord’s Supper, he held the cup and bread. During the preaching, the recruit didn’t understand a thing. He just sat there and tried to look just like that man in the front pew.

Then he perceived that the preacher was giving announcements. People clapped, so he looked to see if the man was clapping. He was, and so the recruit clapped too.

Then the preacher said some words that he didn’t understand and he saw the man next to him stand up. So he stood up too. Suddenly a hush fell over the entire congregation. A few people gasped. He looked around and saw that nobody else was standing. So he sat down.

After the service ended, the preacher stood at the door shaking the hands of those who were leaving. When the missionary recruit stretched out his hand to greet the preacher, the preacher said, in English, “I take it you don’t speak Spanish.”

The missionary recruit replied, “No, I don’t. It’s that obvious?”

“Well yes,” said the preacher, “I announced that the Acosta family had a newborn baby boy and would the proud father please stand up.”

IT MUST BE TRUE BECAUSE I HEARD IT ON THE RADIO!

NO MORE SHOWERS?

In the future you might not be taking a bath or a shower!

…You could be cleaning yourself the same way you wash your clothes! A Japanese cosmetic company is now offering a human washing machine at its Avant salons in Tokyo and other cities. The tube-like device looks a little like a CAT-scanner or some other high-tech piece of medical equipment. The machine shampoos and dries your body and even provides a little massage.  The customer’s head is left outside the machine, so it won’t wash your hair. The service is $40 for a half hour. But don’t look to be getting one of these machines in your house anytime soon — they cost 161-thousand dollars! ***MARLAR: And just make sure you don’t accidentally wear red socks while in the machine, otherwise you’ll turn pink.

INSPIRATIONAL INSPIRATION

THE REFINING PROCESS

Some time ago, a few ladies met in a certain city to study the scriptures. While reading the third chapter of Malachi, they came upon a remarkable expression in the third verse:

“And He shall sit as a refiner and purifier of silver.” Malachi 3:3

One lady proposed to visit a silversmith, and report to them on what he said about the subject. She went accordingly, and without telling the object of her errand, begged the silversmith to tell her about the process of refining silver.

After he had fully described it to her, she asked, “But Sir, do you sit while the work of refining is going on?”

“Oh, yes madam,” replied the silversmith; “I must sit with my eyes steadily fixed on the furnace, for if the time necessary for refining be exceeded in the slightest degree, the silver will be injured.”

The lady at once saw the beauty, and comfort too, of the expression, “He shall sit as a refiner and purifier of silver.”. God sees it needful to put His children into a furnace; His eye is steadily intent on the work of purifying, and His wisdom and love are both engaged in the best manner for us.

Our trials do not come at random, and He will not let us be tested beyond what we can endure.

Before she left, the lady asked one final question, “When do you know the process is complete?”

“Why, that is quite simple,” replied the silversmith. “When I can see my own image in the silver, the refining process is finished.”

DRIVE TIME DEVOTIONAL

BEHIND THE LABEL

Read: 1 Peter 1:3-2:3

Rid yourselves of all malice and all deceit, hypocrisy, envy, and slander of every kind. –1 Peter 2:1

If you take your summer vacation in Bogota, Colombia, you’ll see a lot of restaurants and products that remind you of the USA. You’ll find Dunkin’ Donuts and Pizza Hut. But you’ll also find places like Whopper King, Friday’s, and Benny’s–eating places which imitate the well-known US franchises Burger King, TGI Friday’s, and Ben & Jerry’s.

Benny’s has the same type of sign, the same dairy cow motif, and even many of the same Ben & Jerry’s ice cream names. But there is a big difference–quality. Ben & Jerry’s version of Cherry Garcia has cherry ice cream and chunks of chocolate and cherries. But according to one reporter, the Benny’s version is “a bland mix of artificial-tasting ice cream and candied cherries.”

Clothing companies are doing the same, producing cheap copies of athletic shoes or jeans and sticking a popular brand name on them.

According to Myriam Henao of the Universidad del Valle in Bogota, “Acquiring [the] label becomes more important than having the quality of the genuine item.”

A similar tactic is being carried out throughout the world in the most unlikely places–among people who wear the label “Christian.” It happens every time people talk and act as if they were strong believers, when actually they seldom open their Bible. They don’t even think about praying or applying biblical principles to the way they behave on a date or how they work on the job.

What label do you and I wear? Do we profess to be more than we are so that we can fit in with the church crowd and make people happy? Or are we serious enough about our faith in Christ to be honest when we face spiritual struggles? Are we concentrating on obeying Christ in every area of life?

Let’s not give ourselves a label unless we have the quality to go with it. –KD

LEFTOVERS

JAMES BOND TRUCK

In every James Bond movie you see a really cool car with lots of gadgets. And, up until now, it’s always been a small sports car that 007 used to chase the bad guys, but now it’s a truck!

However… it’s not in a movie this time… it’s owned by the U.S. Army! An army of one! The Smar Truck looks like an ordinary van but has armored plates and gadgets to confuse the enemy. It can disorient enemies with unusual headlights, it has electrified door handles (in case the bad guys try to steal the truck), and, of course, it can blow out a smoke screen to blind the guy that’s chasing you. ***MARLAR: I’m looking forward to the day that this hits the commercial market… this is my kind of vehicle! The new army van also has bullet-proof glass. Which I’ll probably need once my wife finds out how much I spent on it.

LIFE… LIVE IT

MEMORY LAPSE

Having some memory trouble? Cut back on the diet soft drinks!

…Artificial sweeteners can cause you to lose more than weight. They can cause you to lose your memory. Researchers at Texas Christian University found that consuming aspartame, the sweetener found in many diet soft drinks, can impair long-term memory. Dr. Timothy Barth, who conducted the study, says it doesn’t take much, either. Drinking more than one or two diet sodas daily can make you forget how to do things you thought had become second nature, things like cooking a familiar recipe or where you keep things like your keys. ***MARLAR: In other news, it’s recently been discovered that artificial sweeteners could cause you to lose your memory.  Details coming up.

JUST FOR FUN

COMPUTER GAME DESTROYS RELATIONSHIP

Addiction to computer games can even cause damaged relationships.

A US computer-game addict played in a hospital delivery room as his partner gave birth. Manda Erickson says her husband plays the Internet cybergame EverQuest for up to 20 hours a day and has virtually abandoned their seven-month-old daughter. Ms Erickson is part of an online community of ‘cyber widows’ who claim they have had their relationships ruined by the game. She says that she and her husband have no relationship. She speaks, he grunts. She asks him to do something, she ends up doing it herself. She’d like to go back to work, but she’s afraid that her daughter will be crying and her hubby will be too busy playing computer games to do anything about it. ***MARLAR: So she has a husband that doesn’t want to do anything. How is that different from any other household in America?

FUN LIST

JINGLE MEMORY GAME

Jog Your Jingle Memory game. Name the product that goes with the jingle.

  • It’s an up thing …. (7-Up)
  • Fall into the … (Gap)
  • Come see the softer side of … (Sears)
  • Be all that you can be (Army)
  • Everybody needs a little … (KFC)
  • Mmmmmm good, mmmmmmm good, that’s what … (Campbell’s Soup)
  • Nothing beats a great …. (Pair of Leggs)
  • Oh, I wish I were an … (Oscar Meyer weiner)
  • The best part of waking up … (Folgers)
  • You’ll love it at … (Levitz)
  • Gimme a break, gimme a break, break me off a … (Kit-Kat bar)

MORE SHOW PREP STUFF…

Catching enough ‘Z’s’ could be more critical to your health than you may realize.

…A new study suggests people who get less than six hours of sleep per night could be at an increased risk for heart attacks and strokes. A long-term study based upon thousands of people from eight countries found lack of sleep contributes to high blood pressure and cholesterol, diabetes, and obesity.

OTHER STUFF I WANT TO CRAM INTO TODAY’S PREP

(Not posted on weekends and U.S. holidays.)

There really is something to beauty sleep. A good night’s sleep not only makes you healthier, but also appears to make you more attractive to others, according to researchers in Sweden. When compared to the photos taken after eight hours of sleep, the images of the sleep-deprived people were judged to look 19 percent more tired, 6 percent less healthy and 4 percent less attractive.   ***I’m going to have to start taking more naps!

Running, rowing, cycling, skipping: They may not just strengthen your heart, they may also actually repair it when it’s damage. Proteins that help keep cells healthy usually mend themselves when they get degraded from normal wear and tear. Sometimes, though, as in heart failure, damaged proteins accumulate and cause health disease and there’s no drug that can restore these essential cells to their previous grandeur. But here’s where aerobic exercise which we already know strengthens lungs, lowers cholesterol, reduces blood pressure, and improves the immune system comes in. Research on rats found that when rodents with damaged hearts were put on a steady routine of intense cardiovascular exercise, their cardiac proteins were restored, making their broken tickers healthy again, the Journal of Cellular and Molecular Medicine reports. It’s an amazing discovery, because it shows just how powerful exercise specifically, aerobic exercise is at boosting heart health. (Men’s Fitness)

The typical American drinks almost 50 additional calories from sweetened beverages than they did 20 years ago, for an average of 300 calories daily from such drinks, according to research from the Johns Hopkins Bloomberg School of Public Health. What does this mean? If you eat the exact same diet as you did in 1988 — except for the extra 50 calories from the soda — you’ll gain a five pounds a year. If you’re looking for an easy way to lose weight, just stop drinking soda and other sweetened beverages. If you cut 300 liquid calories from your daily diet, you’ll lose 2.5 pounds a month.  ***Do chocolate ice-cream shakes count as liquid calories, or is it okay to keep that as my breakfast?

Do you struggle to doze off at a decent hour? The solution may be as simple as pitching a tent. When University of Colorado Boulder researchers sent people camping for a weekend, they found that after the participants returned to civilization, their evening rise in melatonin levels had shifted 1.4 hours earlier, and they went to sleep and woke up earlier than those who had stayed home. “When you take away artificial light which is what happens when you go out into the wilderness we see melatonin revert to its natural pattern,” says Michael Breus, PhD, a sleep specialist and the author of The Power of When. Can’t tolerate a tent, even for a weekend? Breus suggests dimming the lights in your home and shutting off all electronics 60 to 90 minutes before bed. (Health)  ***Sure, that sounds well and fine – but how am I supposed to go to the bathroom before bed if I can’t have my smarthphone?

If you want your teenager to do better on tests, here’s an interesting trick: He should tell a friend what he has learned. Students who receive information and then re-tell it to someone else immediately recall the details better and longer than if they just re-read it in a textbook — a strategy that could pay off big time at test time. A study focused on how well the students were able to retain information on the films’ plots, as well as sounds, colors, gestures, background details and other peripheral information, all of which would allow them to re-experience the event in rich and vivid detail. Students, who were given cues before being asked to recall the films, did better at retrieving the faded memory of the peripheral details. However, students who employed the “replaying” method–telling someone else about the films soon after viewing — successfully recalled both central and peripheral information far better over time than did the others. ***So keep asking your kids what they learned in school today when you’re sitting down to dinner – you’re doing them a favor!

SOUL-GLO

(Feel-good stories! Only posted as new stories come available. Not posted on weekends and U.S. holidays.)

Reverend Gilbert and Grace Caldwell were overjoyed about tying the knot 60 years ago. They were then immediately heartbroken, however, by the honeymoon that followed.  Back in 1957, the Caldwells got married at a church in North Carolina before driving eight hours to the Mount Airy Resort in Poconos, Pennsylvania for their honeymoon.  Despite having a reservation, the happy couple was turned away from the hotel for being black.  The incident spurred the Caldwells to join the civil rights movement where they worked side-by-side with Dr. Martin Luther King Junior. To this day, Grace and Gilbert still give speeches and lectures to schools and organizations about their experience with racial injustice.  But when they told the story of their honeymoon to the fifth graders at Bear Tavern Elementary in Titusville, New Jersey, the kids became especially saddened by the tale.  Months after seeing the Caldwells speak at the school, all of the fifth graders banded together and wrote letters to the Mount Airy Hotel asking for an all-expenses-paid second honeymoon – and their wish was granted.  “It makes me feel really good inside because we know that even though we’re just kids, we made an impact on the world,” one student told CBS News.

Watch the heartwarming video: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=AeVrH_3igzk

TOTALLY OUTRAGEOUS!

(Only posted as stories come available. Not posted on weekends and U.S. holidays.)

In Cleveland, 22-year-old Ronald Newberry was shot 16 times as he was pulling out of his driveway, according to a Cleveland Division of Police report. He managed to drive about a quarter of a mile down the street before stopping just outside Cleveland’s city limits, in the suburb of Euclid, Ohio. Police found Newberry and administered CPR while they waited for an ambulance — which never came. That’s because ambulances from Euclid emergency medical services were tied up with other calls and Cleveland EMS refused to send an ambulance because the man, although he was shot in Cleveland, drove into Euclid. The officers, from the Cleveland and Euclid police departments, then put the man in the back of a Cleveland officer’s patrol car and took him to Euclid Hospital, a two-minute ride away. Newberry suffered multiple wounds to his chest, shoulders, knees, right hand and left foot, the police report said. He was later flown by helicopter to Metro Hospital in Cleveland for further treatment. Fortunately he survived and was released last weekend. Dan Williams, a spokesman for the city of Cleveland, said the case is under review. (CNN)

AND I LEAVE YOU WITH THIS THOUGHT

I’ll see you tomorrow or the next day, whichever comes first.

THE TICKET Movie Reviews with MARIE ASNER

Marie Asner has been reviewing films for over 35 years. Her outlets include radio, print and Internet. For more in-depth movie reviews of the following films, visit www.Tollbooth.org. Ratings from 1 (Low) to 5 (High).

FEBRUARY 09, 2018…

50 Shades Freed—A continuation of the book series of exotic love, Dakota Johnson and Jamie Doman reprise their roles as lovers and now hope to have a serene future away from the bad guys. Guess again. Also in the cast are Luke Grimes, Ariel Gebbel and Kim Basinger. “50 Shades Freed” is rated a strong R. Adult film. No rating.

Peter Rabbit —A live action animated film about everyone’s favorite rabbit (except the Energizer one). Peter Rabbit first came to the forefront in 1902 and is a creation of Beatrix Potter. Five books followed the first. This little rascal loves to get away from the family and go on his own—trouble ahead, as usual. The story centers around Peter (voice of James Corden) and a relative of Farmer McGregor (voice of Domhnall Gleason)  They each want to be friends with a new neighbor (voice of Rose Byrne) who is an animal lover. The McGregor’s are known to be un-rabbit-friendly. Other voices you will recognize are Daisy Ridley (“Star Wars”) as Cottontail and Margot Robbie (“I, Tonya”) as Flopsy, who are both sisters of Peter Rabbit. Sam Neill is there, also, as the older Farmer McGregor. A word to the wise, rabbits are cute animals and if you are thinking of one as a possible Easter pet, be prepared with information from your local animal doctor. This  “Peter Rabbit” is rated PG for crude humor. No rating.

Monster Family
—Another animated film opening this week and this one is about a mother and daughter who go out together and accidentally become cursed by a witch. They don’t look the same anymore! Voices of Emily Watson, Jason Isaacs and Nick Frost. “Monster Family” is rated PG for crude humor. Families be aware. No rating.

FEBRUARY 16, 2018…

Black Panther has Chadwick Boseman as the Marvel comics character who rules his African country but has a second identity.

Early Man is an animated movie about trying to save your people from the upcoming Bronze Age. Voices of Tom Hiddleston and Eddie Redmayne.

Samson is a Biblical drama from the Old Testament and the conflict between Hebrew and Philistine. Stars Jason Rathbone.

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Darren Marlar credits all non-original material to the author whenever possible. All other material is original, used with permission, or author unknown. We welcome all comments, questions, and suggestions. Darren can be reached via his website at www.DarrenMarlar.com.