February 10, 2017: Friday ONAIRprep

PRINT VERSION OF TODAY’S PREP: 20170210

***DAILY DOSE OF WEIRD NEWS! (As an ONAIRprep subscriber, you can gain access to all of the work parts for the Daily Dose of Weird News, allowing you to edit for length and content – and also receive a custom tag specifically for your station or show which you can have updated at any time… ABSOLUTELY FREE! It’s part of your subscription now! Email me to get FTP access and your free customized tag!)

WELCOME TO THE SHOW!

Portions of (THE JOCK SHOW) will be presented in their entirety. Other portions, though not presented in their entirety, will not be abridged or shortened in any way.

Nothing says “I love you” quite like saturated fat and dying flowers. (Valentine’s Day is four days away!)

BIBLE VERSE OF THE DAY

I tell you, whoever acknowledges me before men, the Son of Man will also acknowledge him before the angels of God. But he who disowns me before men will be disowned before the angels of God. –Luke 12:8-9

Sitting down, Jesus called the Twelve and said, “If anyone wants to be first, he must be the very last, and the servant of all.” — Mark 9:35

Because your love is better than life, my lips will glorify you. — Psalm 63:3

HEARTLIGHT DAILY VERSE, PRAYER & THOUGHT

(From VerseOfTheDay.com.)

Dear friends, since God so loved us, we also ought to love one another. — 1 John 4:11

Thought: We are loved by the Creator of the Universe. He knows us personally. Our Heavenly Father cares about us tremendously. Although God knew about our weaknesses and sinfulness, he was willing to pay a terrible price to redeem us. Even though we are sometimes weak or rebellious, he loves us, forgives us, and welcomes us back when we are willing to confess our sins and come home to him. So if God has consistently, faithfully, and graciously loved us, how can we not share that love with each other?

Prayer: Thank you, Abba Father, for your awesome and gracious love. Please continue to pour that love into my heart through your Holy Spirit. Please help me be more forgiving, patient, and sacrificial in my love to your children. In Jesus’ name. Amen.

The Thoughts and Prayers for Today’s Verse are written by Phil Ware. You can email questions or comments to phil@heartlight.org.

BIRTHDAY VERSE” OF THE DAY (The chapter and verse correspond to the month and day!)

1 Corinthians 2:9 NIV = However, as it is written: No eye has seen, no ear has heard, no mind has conceived what God has prepared for those who love him

TODAY IS FRIDAY – FEBRUARY 10, 2017

(NOTE: Some holidays may be duplicated due to various calendars reporting conflicting dates)
WEIRD, WACKY, STRANGE, ZANY, ODD, BIZARRE, QUIRKY, UNUSUAL HOLIDAYS!
THERE ARE ONLY
317 SHOPPING DAYS UNTIL CHRISTMAS.

This is NATIONAL CREAM CHEESE BROWNIE DAY.

Today is NATIONAL UMBRELLA DAY.

Today is TRY TO INVENT A NEW JELL-O FLAVOR DAY. ***I will say from personal experience that tuna-flavored Jell-O doesn’t turn out all that well.

Today is BEGIN COMPOSING AN ORIGINAL POEM FOR YOUR VALENTINE DAY. ***Studies
have show that for Valentine’s Day, women appreciate most hand-written original poems from their men.
Here’s something to get you started, guys…
Roses are cars,
Violets are buckets.
This poem makes no sense,
Cumquats.

TODAY IS ALSO…
Plimsoll Day
All The News That’s Fit To Print Day

COMING UP NEXT (Just a list, we are not endorsing the holidays posted below.)

SATURDAY, FEBRUARY 11

Be Electrific Day
Don’t Cry Over Spilled Milk Day Link
Get Out Your Guitar Day
Pro Sports Wives Day
National Shut-in Visitation Day
Satisfied Staying Single Day
Stress Awareness Day Link
White Shirt Day or White T-shirt Day Link
World Day of The Sick Link

SUNDAY, FEBRUARY 12

Autism Sunday Link
Darwin Day
Lincoln’s Birthday
NAACP Day
Oglethorpe Day
Paul Bunyan Day
Safety Pup Day
World Marriage Day Link

MONDAY, FEBRUARY 13

Clean Out Your Computer Day Link
Desperation Day Link
Employee Legal Awareness Day
Galentine’s Day Link
Get a Different Name Day
International Condom Day Link
Madly In Love With Me Day
National Wingman’s Day
World Radio Day Link

TUESDAY, FEBRUARY 14

Extraterrestrial Culture Day
Extraterrestrial Visitor Day
Ferris Wheel Day
International Book Giving Day Link
Frederick Douglass Day Link
Pet Theft Awareness Day  Link
Library Lovers Day
National Have A Heart Day
National Donor Day
(World) Congenital Heart Defect Awareness Day Link
League of Women Voters Day
National Women’s Heart Day Link
Race Relations Day
Safer Internet Day  Link
Singles Awareness Day or Singles Appreciation Day Link
National Donor Day
Quirky Alone Day Link
Valentines Day

WEDNESDAY, FEBRUARY 15

Angelman Syndrome Day Link
Lupercalia
National Gum Drop Day Link
National Hippo Day Link
Random Acts of Kindness Day Link
Remember The Maine Day
Susan B. Anthony Day
Westminster Dog Show  Link

THURSDAY, FEBRUARY 16

Kyoto Protocol Day Link
National Almond Day  Link

FRIDAY, FEBRUARY 17

Champion Crab Races Day Link
My Way Day
National PTA Founders Day Link
World Information Architecture Day Link  Link
World Human Spirit Day

ON THIS DAY

60 AD: The Apostle Paul was shipwrecked near the island of Malta.

1897: The phrase “All the news that’s fit to print” first appeared on the front page of the New York Times. It had first appeared on the editorial page on October 25, 1896.

1933: The Postal Telegraph Company of New York City delivered history’s first “singing” telegram.

1940: “In the Mood” by the Glenn Miller Orchestra hit #1 on Billboard’s pop music chart.

1942: History’s first gold record was awarded to the Glenn Miller Orchestra for “Chattanooga Choo Choo.” RCA presented a gold-sprayed master disc to Miller during a radio broadcast.

1949: “Jumping Joe” Fulks of the Philadelphia Warriors introduced the jump shot, scoring a then-NBA record 63 points against the Indianapolis Jets. The record stood for a decade until Elgin Baylor scored 64 on November 8, 1959.

1957: The Styrofoam cooler was invented.

1987: At the Maritime Aquarium in Gothenburg, Sweden, 65-year-old Smiley became the oldest alligator ever to freeze to death when someone apparently turned off the electricity heating her pool.

1993: With 90-million Americans watching, Michael Jackson told Oprah Winfrey his light skin was caused by a disorder called Vitiligo. He admitted he had had “minor” plastic surgery on his nose.

1998: A study at Detroit’s Henry Ford Hospital revealed evidence that men’s brains shrink faster with age than women’s brains. The study concluded that, between the ages of 65 and 95, men’s brains shrink faster in areas that control thinking, planning, and memory.

1999: Ruperta Hernandez of San Antonio became the oldest person ever to take the oath of U.S. citizenship. The 107-year-old Mexican-born mother of 11 had lived in Texas since 1915.

2002: A student with just 50 hours of flying lessons landed a ten-seat plane in the dark with no landing gear. A passenger aboard the Cape Air flight from Martha’s Vinyard to Hyannis, Massachusetts, 24-year-old Melanie Oswalt took the controls after the pilot passed out. She could not contact ground staff over the radio and her mobile phone was dead. Ms. Oswalt landed the plane safely on Provincetown airport’s 3,000 foot runway. She had never flown anything as complicated as the Cessna 402 and had never flown alone.

2004: Democrat John Kerry won the Virginia and Tennessee presidential primaries.

2005: Prince Charles announced he would marry his divorced lover, Camilla Parker Bowles, in April.

2007: In Fairfax, Virginia, 60,000 eggs were smashed on a highway when an 18-wheeler overturned. Freezing weather prevented a rancid smell on the beltway encircling the nation’s capital. The unidentified driver fled the scene rather than explain the mess.

TODAY IN CHRISTIAN HISTORY

60: The Apostle Paul is shipwrecked at Malta.

1535: A dozen Anabaptists run stark naked through the streets of Amsterdam. Such strange actions, usually by Melchoirite Anabaptists, led to the group’s ridicule by Protestants and Catholics alike. Former Catholic priest Menno Simons (1496-1561) was finally able to bring the group into a nonresistant, discipled, and disciplined vision.

1751: John Wesley suffers a fall on the ice-covered London Bridge and is carried to the home of Mary Vazeille, a sailor’s widow. Within a week, the two were married; with disastrous results. The unhappy couple spent so little time together that, in 1771, Wesley recorded this in his journal: “I came to London and was informed that my wife died on Monday. This evening she was buried, though I was not informed of it.”

HOLLYWOOD AND CELEBRITY FIGURE BIRTHDAYS

  • journalist George Stephanopolous 56
  • actor (“Hart To Hart”) Robert Wagner is 87 (audio clip)

BEE-BOP BIRTHDAYS

(Music Artist Birthdays From SongFacts.com)

1914 : Larry Adler

1929 : Jerry Goldsmith

1937 : Don Wilson (The Ventures)

1939 : Roberta Flack

1940 : Jimmy Merchant (Frankie Lymon and the Teenagers)

1943 : Ral Donner

1949 : Nigel Olsson (Elton John Band)

1959 : Lionel Cartwright

1961 : Robbie Neville

SECRETS OF THE UNIVERSE

Why do we call that guy with the badge, the “Sheriff?”

Sheriff came from Shire Reeve. During early years of feudal rule in England, each shire had a reeve who was the law for that shire. When the term was brought to the United States it was shortened to Sheriff.

CHRISTIAN ARTIST NEWS

This is just a tiny sample of the 5-6 pages of material you could be receiving three days a week from ChristianRadioShowPrepServices.com!

Mandisa on living an extraordinary life: You provide the ordinary; God will take care of the extra!
 https://www.instagram.com/p/BQNvhlJFWNB/

Switchfoot frontman Jon Foreman held an aftershow in the snow after the band’s show in Vancouver over the weekend. Jon continued to play just outside the band’s bus thanks to requests from two fans who worked especially hard to get to the concert. One tweeted: I made a two-day drive across Canada in a snowstorm to see you. The second added: came all the way from the Philippines for you guys.

Jonny Diaz says he had a pretty blessed childhood. He posted: The biggest disappointment I can remember was the XFL.

If you are a tailor Kutless member James Mead needs your help. The band’s guitarist is trying his hand at sewing and asked over the weekend: should I taper my jeans first, or adjust the hem/length first?

Dan Bremnes was back home in his native Canada over the weekend and posted a picture of a frozen river. Dan shared: This is Ottawa, Canada and this is how people get to work each day. And I’m not joking.  https://twitter.com/danbremnes/status/827866556285730816/photo/1

 

Visiting Nashville? Now you can stay with Danny and Leyicet Gokey. Over the weekend Danny announced that the couple has purchased The Brentwood Bed and Breakfast. Danny says they purchased the B and B” because we LOVE to host. Our goal is that everyone experience rest, serenity, and tranquility and leave feeling refreshed!
 https://dannygokeynews.com/2017/02/03/brentwood-bed-n-breakfast-hosts-leyicet-danny-gokey/

Mercyme front man Bart Millard is no stranger to baseball. Bart is an outspoken fan of the Texas Rangers and the St. Louis Cardinals. But now Bart says he has a new best friend. Over the weekend Bart posted a picture with Ben Zobrist. Ben has been on the last two World Series winning teams, playing for the Kansas City Royals in 2015 and the Chicago Cubs in 2016. Bart says he’s a baseball stalker.
 https://www.instagram.com/p/BQEPUYqDFYc/

Jonny Diaz is a unique individual. He posted: Is it weird that I can actually taste my eyedrops? I mean…I guess it’s all connected somewhere in there.

NEWS KICKERS

(No news on the weekends. Want a customized audio version, FREE? Email me for more information! )

NEW NEWS KICKERS…

Following their Super Bowl loss to the New England Patriots on Sunday, the Atlanta Falcons have fired defensive coordinator Richard Smith and defensive line coach Bryan Cox. ***Uh, how about congratulating them for getting you to the Super Bowl?

President Trump is not happy with Nortstrom for discontinuing his daughter’s fashion line. Yesterday he tweeted: “My daughter Ivanka has been treated so unfairly by Nordstrom. She is a great person – always pushing me to do the right thing!”  ***And obviously the right thing is the complain about it on Twitter!  Humph!

Sure it was the Super Bowl come back of the ages, but the real winner last Sunday night may just be Lady Gaga! In just the first two days since her amazing Super Bowl halftime show, the singer’s music sales have gone through the stratosphere! Nielsen Music reported that Gaga has sold 125,000 song downloads since the big game, a 960% increase from the day prior to the game, and 23,000 album downloads, which puts her up 2,000%. Spotify also reported that the songs she performed Sunday are up 674% and her entire catalog is up 605%, while Pandora noted that demand for the Gaga streaming station is up 1,400% compared to last week.  ***Wow – I gotta find out how to perform at next year’s Super Bowl Halftime Show.  A (Daily Dose of Weird News/ JOCK SHOW) halftime show… oh yeah…

The Detroit Free Press reports 52,000 hourly workers at General Motors will receive an up-to-$12,000 bonus later this month after the company netted a $12 billion profit in North America last year. ***Whoah – WHAT?!?!  Didn’t we just bail you guys out with $11.2-billion?  Instead of handing out bonuses – how about you pay back all of us who were forced to hand over money to you to keep you in business to begin with?

In Toronto, Constable Jarrod Singh of the Regional Police Service was called to the scene of a fight Sunday night. But when he arrived he only found eight people surrounding another person break dancing. He says he can see how someone mistook it for a fight but it was nothing quite so sinister. The group were actually members of the University of Ontario Institute of Technology’s dance troupe and were filming a music video. The dancers expected Singh to shut them down but instead he says he decided “it was time to bust a move.” The results were nothing short of spectacular. The Facebook video of Singh breaking it down with one of the dancers has been shared more than 800,000 times. Turns out before joining the police, Constable Singh was a member of his college’s dance troupe.  *** You don’t want to ever hear the words “officer down.” But “officer getting down” – well now that’s just fun.  https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Ve4E3C-ZzkE

In Oklahoma, a man walked up to a group of Girl Scouts selling cookies at a mall and offered to trade them a bottle of vodka for a box of cookies. He was arrested. ***Sounds like maybe next year the Girl Scouts should come out with Rum Raisin.

A man ate 409 chicken wings to become champion of Philadelphia’s Wing Bowl over the weekend.  ***He plans on competing again next year assuming doctors are able to reinsert his intestines back into his exploded body.

The world’s most expensive Lego brick, made out of 14 karat gold, just sold online for $15,000. ***It was stolen shortly after the sale by Lego Joker who is currently on the run from Lego Batman.

Tom Brady is endorsing a pair of $200 pajamas that the company claims to work by reflecting infrared waves back to the body. ***Essentially, the air outside of the pajamas is deflated.  (Originally the pajama top was modeled after his #12 jersey, but it kept being stolen from the packaging.)

A New Jersey law will allow lottery tickets to be delivered by private courier.  ***How lazy are you that you’re willing to pay a courier for something that costs a dollar?

A criminal whose sentence was commuted by President Obama is back in prison after being caught with two pounds of cocaine.  ***You were given a second chance by the President of the United States!!!!  And you STILL screwed it up?!?!  Wow.  The only person left that can save you is Jesus.

NEWS KICKER EVERGREENS…

Dentists could soon hang up their drills. …A new peptide, embedded in a soft gel or a thin, flexible film and placed next to a cavity, encourages cells inside teeth to regenerate in about a month, according to a new study in the journal ACS Nano. This technology is the first of its kind and would remove the need for drills.  ***Dentists surveyed said this would take all of the fun out of being a dentist.

Women have a new reason to get help with their insomnia — poor sleep might be damaging their marriages. After a bad night’s sleep women — but not men — tend to have more negative interactions with their spouses, a new study shows.  “Other research has shown that sleep disturbance and deprivation has profound effects on mood, irritability and frustration tolerance,” said the study’s lead author, Wendy Troxel, an assistant professor of psychiatry and psychology at the University of Pittsburgh. “And the person you’re most likely to take it out on is not your boss or some random person, but your spouse.” And women were the most likely to have negative responses.  ***It’s bad enough my wife hogs all of the covers and half the bed, but if I wake her up to get her to move then suddenly I’m the rotten jerk?

According to a study by the journal Human Nature, men and women are different when it comes to carrying their cell phones. Men tend to take their phones out of their jackets and briefcases and place them in the open for anyone to see, while women usually left theirs tucked away. The men also fiddled with the phones often, especially when the ratio of males to females increased. The journal also discovered that a few cell phones that you see being used aren’t even real. Some phones are just playing the role of status symbol.  ***These are probably the same people who had imaginary friends growing up.  After all, who do you think they’re talking to on those fake phones?

Who causes more stress for you – your spouse, or your boss?  Research shows that spouses are a bigger source of stress than bosses. There may be no place like home, but if you want to relax then you might be better off at work, according to the survey.   The poll of 3,000 men and women also found that husbands are more likely to send their wives’ blood pressure soaring than the other way round.  ***Upon hearing the news, husbands all over the nation immediately volunteered to go fishing… for their wives’ sake.

According to a survey, two-thirds of Americans interviewed could not name their Congressional representatives.  ***”Gee… I don’t know his or her name, but I really don’t approve of the job he or she is doing, that’s for sure!”

AS THE JUNGLE TURNS

CLICK HERE TO DOWNLOAD FRIDAY’S EPISODE

OPEN: And now, FancyMonkey.com, (Show Name), and (Station Call Letters) bring you As the Jungle Turns! Last time, upon losing all of his crayons, Racquet sought help from all of his friends to help find them so he could finish the portrait of the rabbit family as he promised. Unfortunately, they don’t seem to be all that sympathetic to his situation.

CLOSE: It’s beginning to look like those crayons will never be found, and that the Rabbit family will never get their portrait colored. Of course, we can all agree that swimming and fort building are extremely important – but then, so are crayons, right? And I’m pretty sure it’s important to help a friend in need to… I think. Find out what happens next time, as FancyMonkey.com, (Show Name), and (Station Call Letters) bring you another exciting episode of As the Jungle Turns!

***You may simulcast “As the Jungle Turns” on the Internet stream of your live broadcast only. Any other Internet use of “As the Jungle Turns” in whole or part including podcasting of your live broadcast is a violation of copyright law. Thank you for your cooperation on this vitally important issue. If you have any questions, please e-mail us and ask about “Jungle Jam & Friends the Radio Show” usage.

MOMENT OF DUH

You get what you pay for… and that even includes veterinarian medicine.

New York police were able to bust 28-year-old student Steven Vassall on charges of treating pets without a license with the help of two undercover officers. They would be Fred, the kitten and Burt, the Boston terrier. The investigation began after Burt’s owner, Raymond Reid, contacted authorities after his dog survived a botched operation. Reid said that in hindsight he should have been suspicious of a veterinarian who only made house calls and treated pets at an undisclosed location.

TOP TEN

TOP TEN MOST IRRITATING THINGS

10. You have to try on a pair of sunglasses with that little plastic thing in the middle of them.

9. The person behind you in the supermarket runs his cart into the back of your ankle.

8. The elevator stops on every floor and nobody gets on.

7. There’s always a car riding your tail when you’re slowing down to find an address.

6. You open a can of soup and the lid falls in.

5. It’s bad enough that you step in dog poo, but you don’t realize it till you walk across your living room rug.

4. The tiny red string on the Band-Aid wrapper never works for you.

3. There’s a dog in the neighborhood that barks at EVERYTHING.

2. You can never put anything back in a box the way it came.

1. Three hours and three meetings after lunch you look in the mirror and discover a piece of parsley stuck to your front tooth.

THE FILES OF LAW & DISORDER

Want to know a reason not to call 911? It’s to find out the name of that “cutie-pie” sheriff’s deputy you saw so you can ask him for a date.

FILE #1: This is probably one of my favorite Files of Law & Disorder stories of all time.  It took place in 2006.  It seems Lorna Jeanne Dudash of Aloha, Oregon, became smitten with the deputy who came to her door to respond to a noise complaint by her neighbors. When they left, Lorna dialed 911 in a desperate attempt to get the deputy’s name. She said, “He’s the cutest cop I’ve seen in a long time. I just want to know his name. I don’t have an emergency but throw him back my way, would you?” She did succeed in getting the officer to come back to her door – but only to arrest her.  Lorna could face a fine of several thousand dollars – and a year in jail.

FILE #2: A Canadian thief was getting ready to steal a car, when it wouldn’t start, so he asked a plain-clothes policeman to help him start the car he was trying to steal. The teenager actually had the hood of the 1997 Chevy Blazer up and was looking for help when the officer passed by. Not realizing he was a cop, the teen asked him if he would help him “start his car”. The policeman offered him a hand before realizing the car was stolen. After figuring it out, Sergeant Hudson quickly arrested the 16 year old boy and charged him with possessing stolen goods.

FILE #3: Zach Williams, 18, was robbed in Chattanooga, Tenn. He tried to run away and was shot down. One of the things the robbers stole: his pager. Police, upon learning about the beeper, figured “why not?” and sent it a page. When the robbers returned the cops’ call, it was traced to George Morgan, 19, and his cousin Antonio Morgan, 18, who were arrested.

STRANGE LAW: In Morrisville, PA, women must have a permit to wear cosmetics.

THIS IS YOUR BRAIN ON DRUGS

It pays to be observant of your surroundings (and your customers) – especially if you’re doing something illegal!

Orlando’s Michael Garibay approached Ed Johnson’s car at a Mobil gas station and asked if he wanted to buy some cocaine. As luck would have it, Ed said he was interested and Garibay pulled out a plastic bag containing “several pieces of flat white rocks substances” and asked for cash. Michael overlooked just one little detail. He was dealing with Deputy Ed Johnson, who was in uniform and sitting in his marked patrol car at the time. Michael is now sitting in a marked jail cell.

PHONER PHUN

What was the most romantic thing your spouse ever did for you (after you were married)?

BIBLE BRAIN BUSTER!

QUESTION: In John’s Gospel, Jesus’ first miracle is turning water into wine. What is the second miracle?

ANSWER: Healing an official’s son in Cana (John 4:43-54)

QUESTION IMPOSSIBLE

QUESTION: Most boat owners name their boats. What is the most popular?
ANSWER: Obsession

TRUE OR FALSE

Pay attention! If our next player doesn’t answer all ten T/F questions correctly we start all over from question #1! First person to answer question #10 correctly is our winner!

1. Before Popeye, Olive Oyl had a boyfriend named Bluto. (False – before Popeye it was Ham Gravy.)

2. In the U.S., more people are killed by dogs each year than any other animal. (False – deer.)

3. The three cities with the highest percentage of counterfeit bills are Los Angeles, New York and Miami. (True)

4. A group of rattlesnakes is called a “rhumba.” (True)

5. The Space Station is the most expensive single object ever built. (True – the contribution made by the United States has been estimated at $96 billion.)

6. Sean Connery once worked as a coffin-polisher. (True)

7. Pepsi is Africa’s largest private-sector employer. (False, it’s Coca-Cola)

8. Alexander Graham Bell invented the metal detector in 1881. (True)

9. Technically, the banana is a nut. (False, it’s technically a berry.)

10. A single edition of the Sunday New York Times contains more information than a typical adult in 1892 was exposed to in their entire life. (True)

TABLOID MATCH GAME

You have to match the blank in the tabloid headline with the word or phrase that has been removed!

SCIENTISTS PREDICT COMING ________ AGE! (ICE)

According to the world’s top scientists the world hasn’t warmed in 20 years and we are headed for a new ice age!

Statistics and data suggest we are headed for a new ice age to rival the 70-year temperature drop that saw frost fairs held on the Thames in the 17th Century.

Based on readings from more than 30,000 measuring stations, the data was issued last week without fanfare by the Met Office and the University of East Anglia Climatic Research Unit. It confirms that the rising trend in world temperatures ended in 1997.

THE WAY TOO EARLY IN THE MORNING TO UNDERSTAND THE PUNCHLINE EVEN AFTER TWO CUPS OF COFFEE JOKE OF THE DAY 

JOKE #1 (audio clip)

A teenager who had just received her learner’s permit offered to drive her parents to church. After a hair-raising ride, they finally reached their destination.

The mother got out of the car and said, “Thank you!”

“Anytime,” her daughter replied.

As the woman slammed the door, she said, “I wasn’t talking to you. I was talking to God.”

JOKE #2

Jack was first up in his foursome.  Eyeing the ball, he swung his club and hooked his shot over the fence and down a road where the ball crashed through the windshield of an oncoming car.  The startled driver lost control of his vehicle, and it spun into a parking lot and bounced off three cars.

Jack raced over to the crash scene and was relieved to find that no one was hurt. Almost immediately, a policeman arrived and approached Jack, who was standing next to the crashed car, eyeing his ball.  “Just what are you going to do about this?” demanded the policeman.

Jack looked up and said, “Well, the first thing I’m going to do is change my grip.”

JOKE #3

A man put his fifty cents in a vending machine and then watched helplessly as the cup failed to appear and a nozzle sent coffee down the drain while another poured cream after it.

”Now that’s automation!” he exclaimed. “It even drinks for you!”

USELESS FACTS

Health officials in China estimate that 60 million Chinese are obese.  ***Of course they are. After they’re done eating they’re hungry again for more just an hour later. (audio clip)

Northampton College in England has created a course to teach people how to make a living using eBay.  ***And it doubles as a theology degree if you auction a grilled cheese sandwich with a burn pattern of the Virgin Mary on it.

FEATURED FUNNIES

A wife was making a breakfast of fried eggs for her husband. Suddenly her husband burst into the kitchen.  “Careful…  CAREFUL!  Put in some more butter!  Oh Good Grief!  You’re cooking too many at once.  TOO MANY! Turn them!  TURN THEM NOW! We need more butter.  Oh Good Grief !  WHERE are we going to get MORE BUTTER? They’re going to STICK!  Careful …  CAREFUL!  I said be CAREFUL! You NEVER listen to me when you’re cooking!  Never! Turn them!  Hurry up!  Are you CRAZY?  Have you LOST your mind?  Don’t forget to salt them.  You know you always forget to salt them.  Use the salt.  USE THE SALT!  THE SALT!”

The wife stared at him.  “What on earth is wrong with you?  You think I don’t know how to fry a couple of eggs?

The husband calmly replied, “I just wanted to show you what it feels like when I’m driving.

IT MUST BE TRUE BECAUSE I HEARD IT ON THE RADIO!

PUNISHMENT WILL INCREASE UNTIL YOU START HAVING FUN

Schools in Britain are starting to ban various playtime activities.

Football causes injuries, so it’s already gone from some schools. But so is skipping rope because “some girls fell over.” A popular game called “conkers” that calls for chestnuts has been banned because the nuts “could be used as offensive weapons.” The trend was discovered by Keele University researcher Sarah Thompson, who noted that “all the schools I visited saw playtime as a time that could not be left entirely to the children’s wishes.” Also, she noted, the teachers at the schools she studied complained that once given the list of things they could not do during playtime, the kids just don’t seem to want to play anymore. (AFP)  ***MARLAR: Once again the kids are proven smarter than the teachers.

INSPIRATIONAL INSPIRATION

LOOKING BACK

Looking back, it’s hard to believe that we have lived as long as we have.

– As children we would ride in cars with no seat belts or air bags. Riding in the back of a pickup truck on a warm day was always a special treat.

Our baby cribs were painted with bright colored lead based paint. We often chewed on the crib, ingesting the paint.

We had no childproof lids on medicine bottles, doors, or cabinets, and when we rode our bikes we had no helmets.

We drank water from the garden hose and not from a bottle.

We would spend hours building our go-carts out of scraps, then rode down the hill, only to find out we forgot the brakes. After running into the bushes a few times we learned to solve the problem.

We would leave home in the morning and play all day, as long as we were back when the streetlights came on. No one was able to reach us all day.

We played dodge ball and sometimes the ball would really hurt.

We ate cupcakes, bread and butter, and drank sugar soda, but we were never overweight; we were always outside playing.

Little League had tryouts and not everyone made the team. Those who didn’t had to learn to deal with disappointment.

Some students weren’t as smart as others or didn’t work hard so they failed a grade and were held back to repeat the same grade.

That generation produced some of the greatest risk-takers and problem solvers.

We had the freedom, failure, success and responsibility, and we learned how to deal with it all.

DRIVE TIME DEVOTIONAL

MONKEY ADDICTS
A scientist conducted an experiment in which he made cocaine available to some monkeys. These monkeys could pull a lever in their cages to release a little cocaine into their feeding tray. Not surprisingly, the monkeys became addicted to the drug. As the experiment continued, the scientist found that if the addicted monkeys could get additional cocaine hits any time they wanted by just pulling the lever, all of them would overdose. They all ended up killing themselves.
The scientist then tried another experiment with addicted monkeys. He began to withhold the fix when the monkey pulled the lever. Over and over these monkeys pulled the lever, trying to get cocaine. They continued to pull the lever not ten times, not a hundred times, or even a thousand times. Those addicted monkeys pulled it an average of 12,800 times!
Powerful addictions can rule the lives of people — addictions to work, food, gambling, sex, alcohol, or drugs. Some finally reach a point where they lose any hope of breaking free. Some even turn aside from help offered,
convinced that they’re a hopeless case.
But there’s hope in Christ. He can set any person free from the addiction of sin. He can give you a fresh start on your life. When you invite Christ into your life, the change begins to take place–from the inside out. You can’t
beat addictions on your own, but through the power of Christ, you can be set free. “I no longer live, but Christ lives in me” (Galatians 2:20).
Edited from Still More Hot Illustrations for Youth Talks by Wayne Rice.

LEFTOVERS

I LOVE YOU WITH ALL OF MY KIDNEY

While you and I are trying to figure out what kind of roses or candy to provide for our Valentine this year, an Ohio woman won’t be giving away her heart…

…but she will be giving away her kidney! 25 year old Jenny Menhennet of Akron is giving one of her healthy kidneys to her 34-year-old husband Jay during transplant surgery scheduled for Valentines day. One of Jay’s kidneys has been destroyed by diabetes.  ***MARLAR: You know, this kind of makes my candy hearts that say, “Be Mine” and “You’re cute” look pretty lame and superficial, doesn’t it?

LIFE… LIVE IT

CHEAP VALENTINE

Have a lotta love in your heart, but not a lot of loot to back it up? Not to worry — the most romantic Valentine’s Day gifts require imagination, not money.  

“Think back on the most treasured gifts you’ve received,” says Laura Shanahan, a New York consumer-tips columnist. “Chances are they were the most thoughtful, not the most costly.” Here are a few of her tips for Valentine’s gifts that show the most caring, not the most cash:

  • An appointment book with one date filled in — that of a romantic getaway for the two of you. It doesn’t have to be a Caribbean cruise. A day of “playing hooky” together at an out-of-the-way park and a back table at a dim bistro are perfect for creating that loving feeling.
  • For the married Valentines… a gift certificate for your honey’s choice of pampering treatments performed by you. A massage, shampoo, and a bubble bath with room service — their wish is your command.
  • A heart-shaped box from card or novelty store. Place a handwritten note inside: “Contains 365 blown kisses just for you — take one a day.”
  • Another great married Valentines idea – pajamas for the two of you. He wears the pants, she wears the top.
  • A cozy picnic. Never mind the snow. Lay out a blanket on the living room floor. Don’t forget the candles.
  • Sweep your sweetie off his or her feet with tickets to a ballroom dancing class so you can stay cheek to cheek all year round.
  • Indoor “sky writing” is a great way to say I love you to that special someone. Simply make a poster with a declaration of your devotion and tape it to the ceiling right over the bed. It will be the first thing your sweetheart will see upon wakening Valentine’s Day — and your final, sweet-dreams message.
  • A dozen red balloons. Before you blow them up, insert tiny trinkets or love notes. Give the blown-up, treasure-filled results to your beloved for a popping good time.
  • A blank journal you’ll head “Reasons I Love You.” Every reason will have it’s own page.

JUST FOR FUN

STORY OF ST. VALENTINE

More facts and fables surround St. Valentine’s Day than any other holiday. One of the most fascinating is the story of St. Valentine himself.

Although research has turned up a number of saints named Valentine, one is most likely the namesake of the familiar holiday. He is credited with helping Christians during their persecution by Claudius II, the Roman Emperor, in the third century. The Romans at that time made it a crime to provide aid and comfort to Christians. According to history, Valentinus (the Latin form) was thrown into a dungeon. His jailer, Asterius, was not overly harsh, but the priest had only the barest necessities of life. His one comfort while in prison was his friendship with Asterius’ blind daughter. She befriended the kindly priest by bringing him food and delivering messages. After a year in jail, Valentinus was summoned to appear before Claudius II. The emperor was so impressed by the young priest’s dignity that Claudius attempted to convert him to worshipping Roman gods to save him from execution. Valentinus, however, refused to renounce Christianity and attempted to convert the emperor to Christianity. Claudius became furious and ordered that St. Valentine be beaten with clubs, stoned and executed. In the last days of his life Valentinus, through his faith, restored the sight of the jailer’s daughter. He also converted Asterius and the girl to Christianity, an act which resulted in their execution by Claudius. On the eve of his execution the priest wrote a farewell message to the girl and signed it “From Your Valentine.” His execution was carried out on Feb. 14, 269 A.D., outside the Flaminian Gate in Rome. According to legend, a pink almond tree, a symbol of abiding love, blossomed near his grave.

The valentine has become the universal symbol of friendship and affection shared each anniversary of the priest’s execution — Valentine’s Day.

FUN LIST

CLASSES FOR GROWN MEN

  • Going to the Supermarket: It’s Not Just for Women Anymore!
  • Recycling Skills I: Boxes that the Electronics Came In
  • Recycling Skills II: Styrofoam that Came in the Boxes that the Electronics Came In
  • Bathroom Etiquette I: How to Remove Beard Clippings from the Sink
  • Bathroom Etiquette II: Let’s Wash Those Towels!
  • Bathroom Etiquette III: Five Easy Ways to Tell When You’re About to Run Out of Toilet Paper!
  • Giving Back to the Community: How to Donate 15-Year-Old Levis to Goodwill
  • Retro? Or Just Hideous? Re-examining Your 1970s Polyester Shirts
  • No, The Dishes Won’t Wash Themselves: Knowing the Limitations of Your Kitchenware
  • Romance: More Than a Cable Channel!
  • Strange But True!: She Really May Not Care What “Fourth Down and Ten” Means
  • Going Out to Dinner: Beyond Pizza Hut
  • Expand Your Entertainment Options: Renting Movies That Don’t Fall Under the “Action/Adventure” Category
  • Yours, Mine, and Ours: Sharing the Remote
  • “I Could Have Played a Better Game Than That!”: Why Women Laugh

MORE SHOW PREP STUFF…

What are the most-used computer passwords in the world?  And how long would it take a hacker to guess your password?

What are the most-used computer passwords in the world?  They’re pretty simple…

123456

Password

12345678

Qwerty

abc123

How long would it take for a hacker to guess your password?  Less time than you might think.

Length of 6 characters…

Lowercase: 10 minutes.

Lowercase + Uppercase: 10 hours

Lowercase + Uppercase + Numbers and Symbols: 18 days

Length of 7 characters…

Lowercase: 4 hours

Lowercase + Uppercase: 23 days

Lowercase + Uppercase + Numbers and Symbols: 4 years

Length of 8 characters…

Lowercase: 4 days

Lowercase + Uppercase: 3 years

Lowercase + Uppercase + Numbers & Symbols: 463 years

Length of 9 characters…

Lowercase: 4 months

Lowercase + Uppercase: 178 years

Lowercase + Uppercase + Numbers & Symbols: 44,530 years

OTHER STUFF I WANT TO CRAM INTO TODAY’S PREP

Taking brief, frequent breaks at work is a good thing, providing improved energy and well-being. Workers who get up and walk around the office, talk to colleagues or do something else they enjoy have more stamina and fewer aches and pains, reports HealthDay News of research from Baylor University’s Hankamer School of Business in Waco, Texas. It’s all about recharging. Unlike cellphones that run optimally until their batteries die, people “have to charge more frequently before we deplete all the way,” said lead study author Emily Hunter. Although Hunter’s team was unable to pinpoint the exact number or length of breaks to be taken for optimal benefit, they did discern that the timing of the breaks is important. Basically, a morning break is ideal. Those who took a few minutes away from their desks earlier in the day had more energy and motivation to work later in the day. They were also better able to concentrate and experienced fewer headaches and less eyestrain.  So… embrace your inner slacker!

Having a hard time waking up?  Grab your smartphone! *** Shine a light through your morning fog. A Swedish study suggests that looking at your smart phone can help jolt you awake. People exposed to an hour of blue light (a form of light emitted from phones and tablets) performed faster on a visual test of reaction times than those given 240 milligrams of caffeine the equivalent of two to three cups of coffee. The reason: Exposing your retinas to blue light seems to rouse brain regions that affect alertness and cognitive function. Looking at the screen of your phone or tablet in the morning may have a similar but less intense effect.


If you thought PG-13 movies were less violent than R-rated flicks, think again. New research found that gun violence in PG-13 action movies is on the rise with Hollywood increasingly relying on shoot-’em-up scenes to fill seats. Building on an earlier study, they sampled 30 top-grossing films between 2012 and 2015 to determine the number of five-minute segments in which a character fires a gun at someone. Writing in the journal Pediatrics, they report the rate of gun violence in PG-13 movies in 2012 equaled that of R-rated films, restricted to 17 and older, and outpaced those films in later years. Kids of all ages are allowed into cinemas showing PG-13 movies, though parents are “strongly cautioned.” Some of the most violent PG-13 films were some of the most popular like 2015’s Star Wars: the Force Awakens.” Previous research has shown that repeated exposure to violence on screen can make kids more aggressive. The researchers say, until more is known pediatricians should advise parents “to be cautious about exposing their children” to violent films. (Pediatrics)

So you think being tough with your child’s doctor is the best way to make sure he gets proper healthcare? That’d be a big fat noooooo! New research from the University of Florida shows that rude parents can cause serious, even deadly, consequences for their kids. Their findings are that doctors and nurses performed as much as 40% worse when confronted with angry and rude parents. Study co-author Amir Erez said while there is much concern about medical errors, the third-leading cause of death in the U.S. is medical professionals are “not paying attention at all to the effect that social interactions can have on performance.” In the end, the lesson is that doctors and nurses are people too and find it harder to work when they’re being emotionally abused. (CBS News) ***So the next time you’re in the emergency room with a loved one, be sure to be polite to the nurses and doctors – it could save your loved one’s life!

Why do we yawn?  It’s not what you think! *** Yawning does not occur because you are tired, bored or even need oxygen. Instead yawning helps to regulate the brain’s temperature by cooling it. That is the theory proposed by Gary Hack, DDS of the University of Maryland School of Dentistry and Andrew Gallup, PhD of Princeton University. “The brain is exquisitely sensitive to temperature changes and therefore must be protected from overheating,” the authors write in the journal Medical Hypotheses. “Brains, like computers, operate best when they are cool.” How does yawning cool the brain? Hack and Gallup think the walls of the human maxillary sinus flex during yawning like a bellows, which in turn facilitates brain cooling.

Want the perfect Valentine for the man in your life? The web site iMom has some full color coupons that you can print and present to your husband. Download your copy at http://bit.ly/1za6GJy.

The world’s most annoying sound is whining. You know, that high-pitched, protracted whining sound that most teenagers, many children and even some dogs have perfected is the most annoying sound in the world, according to researchers. They asked volunteers to compute basic math problems while they were listening to what is often considered the most distracting and irritating sounds. These included a baby crying, a high-pitched buzz saw, nagging, silence, regular speech, baby talk and whining. The results: For many, the sound of whining was actually ranked worse than a buzz saw. In addition, the volunteers made more errors on the math problems when they were listening to the whining than any other irritating sound. And this was true for both men and women.

Think that coupon clipping is beneath you? You’re throwing away real money. Coupon experts say if you spend 20 minutes a week clipping coupons, you’ll probably save $1,500 to $2,000 a year.

AND I LEAVE YOU WITH THIS THOUGHT

Most portions of today’s program came to you live. However, we will have a moment of silence for those portions that didn’t.

THE TICKET Movie Reviews with MARIE ASNER

Marie Asner has been reviewing films for over 35 years. Her outlets include radio, print and Internet. For more in-depth movie reviews of the following films, visit www.Tollbooth.org. Ratings from 1 (Low) to 5 (High).

FEBRUARY 10, 2017…

 

The Lego Batman Movie—It had to happen. Legos are so popular that now “Batman” has gotten into the craze and done a Lego movie.  What next? “Gone With The Wind” with Lego’s? Not out of the realm of possibility.  In this “Batman” film, he has to learn to work together with others (no longer the lone Caped Crusader”). Voices of Will Arnett, Michael Cera and Rosario Dawson. “The Lego Batman Movie” is rated PG. Rating of 2 for fans.

 

John Wick: Chapter Two—Who would have thought the character of John Wick would become popular, too.  Such is the case of this Keanu Reeves film in which he comes out of retirement to foil a secret plot. Aren’t they all. “John Wick: Chapter Two” is rated R. Rating of 2 for fans.

 

Fifty Shades Darker—The books were best sellers, but are the films continuing so? At least, another one has been made with the same characters starring Dakota Johnson and Jamie Dorman. In this episode, they have a new “arrangement?” Read between the lines. “Fifty Shades Darker” is rated R and is an adult movie. No rating.

 

FEBRUARY 17, 2017…

 

Fist Fight stars Ice Cube and Charlie Day as two teachers with a grudge.

 

Toni Erdmann is a foreign film in which the father disguises himself as a woman to spy on his teenage daughter

 

The Great Wall is an action film about China’s Great Wall and stars Matt Damon.

 

A Cure For Wellness is a thriller about a mysterious spa. Stars Dane DeHaan.

 

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WARNING: Don’t believe anything you read on the Internet or email (including stuff you read here) unless you can confirm it with another source, and/or it is consistent with what you already know to be true. The opinions in this publication are not necessarily those of Darren Marlar, Marlar House Entertainment, OnAirPrep.com, or any company or organization affiliated with aforementioned. (Regardless of how stupid you may think those opinions are. So there – nyah!)

Darren Marlar credits all non-original material to the author whenever possible. All other material is original, used with permission, or author unknown. We welcome all comments, questions, and suggestions. Darren can be reached via his website at www.DarrenMarlar.com.