February 12, 2016: Friday ONAIRprep

***RADIO ISN’T DEAD – From RadioIsntDead.com

***DAILY DOSE OF WEIRD NEWS – FREE TO AIR! (Contact me to sign up!)

***CREATION MOMENTS MINUTE – FREE TO AIR! (Contact me to sign up!)

 

PRINTER FRIENDLY VERSION: 20160212

 

 

WELCOME TO THE SHOW!

What a busy weekend coming up!  I am SO looking forward to shaking the first can of Desenex at the annual (SMALL TOWN) Foot Fungus Festival!

 

I’m all for hiring the disabled, but we need to draw the line at hiring the blind to drive the snowplows. They’ve knocked my mailbox over twice now. (I apologize if I’ve offended any blind snowplow drivers.)

 

I hate when we’re under a “Parking Snow Emergency”. Yesterday I had to park on the odd side of the street, today it’s the even side. If it happens tomorrow I might just leave my car in the garage.

 

“If you dream a thing more than once, it’s sure to come true.” –Walt Disney  ***MARLAR: So one day I truly am going to be dating Christie Brinkley?  My wife is NOT going to like this…

 

Even if I’m playing Solitaire, I still hear sports commentators in my head with a play-by-play. Is that unusual?

 

 

BIBLE VERSE OF THE DAY

“Be strong and courageous, do not be afraid or tremble at them, for the LORD your God is the one who goes with you. He will not fail you or forsake you.”  –Deuteronomy 31:6

 

If I speak in the tongues of men and of angels, but have not love, I am only a resounding gong or a clanging cymbal. If I have the gift of prophecy and can fathom all mysteries and all knowledge, and if I have faith that can move mountains, but have not love, I am nothing. If I give all I possess to the poor and surrender my body to the flames, but have not love, I gain nothing. — 1 Corinthians 13:1-3

 

The tongue that brings healing is a tree of life, but a deceitful tongue crushes the spirit. — Proverbs 15:4

 

 

HEARTLIGHT DAILY VERSE, PRAYER & THOUGHT

(From VerseOfTheDay.com)

So God created man in his own image, in the image of God he created him; male and female he created them. — Genesis 1:27

 

Thought: We are made in God’s image. Not just the man. Not just the woman. Both male and female are made in God’s image! Incredibly, this is not just true before the Fall. When God made us in the womb of our mothers (Psalm 139:13-16), he made us in his image (Genesis 9:6). Because people are precious to God, because we reflect something of the character of our Creator, each person is to be valued. None is to be denigrated, belittled, or cursed (James 3:9-12). People are precious, not only to God, but also to us because in some special way they reflect his image.

 

Prayer: Almighty Creator, please help me value each person I meet today because I am consciously aware that you have individually made them to reflect your character and nature. At the same time, bless me with spiritual growth as I consciously submit myself to your Spirit as you transform me to be more like you each day. In Jesus’ name I pray. Amen.

 

The Thoughts and Prayers for Today’s Verse are written by Phil Ware. You can email questions or comments to phil@heartlight.org.

 

 

BIRTHDAY VERSE” OF THE DAY

The chapter and verse corresponds to the month and the day!

1 Corinthians 2:12 NIV = We have not received the spirit of the world but the Spirit who is from God, that we may understand what God has freely given us.

 

 

TODAY IS FRIDAY – FEBRUARY 12, 2016

(NOTE: Some holidays may be duplicated due to various calendars reporting conflicting dates)
WEIRD, WACKY, STRANGE, ZANY, ODD, BIZARRE, QUIRKY, UNUSUAL HOLIDAYS!
THERE ARE ONLY 317 SHOPPING DAYS UNTIL CHRISTMAS.   

 

Today is CHOCOLATE DAY.  *** As if you won’t get enough on Valentine’s Day.

 

Today is MAN DAY.  *** And we don’t want chocolate – we want lasagna!

 

Today is PICK A NEW LOVE SONG DAY. *** I’m not sure I understand this one.  It makes it sound like the first love song you picked wasn’t good enough.

 

This is NATIONAL RESURRECT ROMANCE WEEK.  *** But then, they can’t trust us to pick a decent love song the first time around, so what hope do we have?

 

 

TODAY IS ALSO. . .

Lincoln’s Birthday

Oglethorpe Day

Paul Bunyan Day (Born Feb 12, 1834 in Bangor, ME)

Safety Pup Day

 

 

COMING UP NEXT

SATURDAY, FEBRUARY 13

Desperation Day

Employee Legal Awareness Day

Galentine’s Day

Get a Different Name Day

Madly In Love With me Day

World Radio Day

World Whale Day

 

SUNDAY, FEBRUARY 14

Autism Day

Batman Sticker Day

Ferris Wheel Day

International Book Giving Day

Frederick Douglass Day

Pet Theft Awareness Day (***If it requires a special day set aside to make you aware your pet has been stolen, you don’t deserve to have a pet at all.)

Library Lovers Day (***People without dates on Valentine’s Day apparently need somewhere to hide so they won’t be seen.  What better place than a library?)

National Have a heart Day

Congenital Heart Defect Awareness Day

League of Women Voters Day

National Women’s Heart Day

Race Relations Day

Singles Awareness Day (Singles Appreciation Day)

National Donor Day

Quirky Alone Day

Valentine’s Day

World Marriage Day

 

MONDAY, FEBRUARY 15

Clean Out Your Computer Day

Angelman Syndrome Day

Grammy Awards

Lupercalia

National Gum Drop Day

National Hippo Day

Presidents Day

Remember the Maine Day

Susan B. Anthony Day

 

TUESDAY, FEBRUARY 16

Kyoto Protocol Day

National Almond Day

 

WEDNESDAY, FEBRUARY 17

Champion Crab Races Day

My Way Day

National PTA Founders Day

World Human Spirit Day

 

THURSDAY, FEBRUARY 18

Battery Day

Cow Milked While Flying In An Airplane Day

Eat Ice Cream For Breakfast Day

The Great American Spit Out

National Drink Wine Day

National Hate Florida Day

Pluto Day

 

FRIDAY, FEBRUARY 19

Best Friends Day (Spongebob Squarepants)

Chocolate Mint Day

National Lashes Day

Women in Blue Jeans Days

Iwo Jima Day

 

 

ON THIS DAY

1870: The Utah territory granted its women the right to vote.

 

1878: U.S. patent #200,358 was issued to Frederick Thayer for his baseball catcher’s mask. It was similar to one worn by cowboys to keep from being kicked in the face while branding cattle.

 

1924: Paul Whiteman and his orchestra premiered “Rhapsody in Blue” at Carnegie Hall. The soloist was George Gershwin.

 

1940: “The Adventures of Superman” debuted on the Mutual Radio Network, starring Bud Collyer as the Man of Steel. The comic book character had been created in 1938 by two Toronto teenagers, Jerry Siegel and Joe Shuster.

 

1981: A Houston woman described as “rather large” was sentenced to 10 years in prison for trying to steal two fur coats and a color TV set from a department store by hiding them between her legs. Police dubbed the shoplifter “The Bowlegged Gang.”

 

1984: Charles Jones of McGehee, Arkansas, joined the Philadelphia 76ers. His brothers, Wilbert, Caldwell, and Major, already were NBA veterans. Two other brothers were drafted, but never made the NBA. The six Jones brothers were 6-8, 6-9, 6-9, 6-9, 6-10, and 6-11.

 

1994: A Montreal woman sued a local funeral home and a hospital after the funeral home called to offer its services just 3½ hours after she had been diagnosed at the hospital with skin cancer.

 

1998: At a Los Angeles auction, the Lund Foundation paid $442,500 for the lyrics to Elton John’s “Candle in the Wind 1997,” written in memory of Princess Diana. The foundation supports educational and youth programs.

 

1999: The U.S. Senate voted to acquit President Clinton of perjury and obstruction of justice; the President said he was “profoundly sorry” for what he’d said and done in the Monica Lewinsky affair.

 

2000: Two popular Americans died: Charles Schulz, creator of the ”Peanuts” comic strip, died in California at age 77. Football coach Tom Landry, who led the Dallas Cowboys to five Super Bowls, died in Texas at age 75.

 

2001: A federal appeals court ruled the Internet service Napster could not allow users to swap copyrighted music without charge.

 

2002: A six-year-old boy ate the first meal of his life after having a kidney transplant. The boy had been fed through a tube because of his serious medical conditions. From Covingham, England, the lad said he especially enjoyed the ketchup with his first meal, a burger. He had had 30 operations and regular dialysis until the transplant.

 

2004: Four men were charged in a 42-count indictment alleging steroid-distribution to provided performance-enhancing drugs to athletes in the NFL, major league baseball, and track and field.

 

 

TODAY IN CHRISTIAN HISTORY

1663: Congregational minister Cotton Mather is born in Boston. The most celebrated New England writer of his day, he was a scientist (whose work included early studies of inoculation), one of the founders of Yale University, and pastor of Boston’s Second Church (just as his father, Increase Mather, had been). He also wrote Wonders of the Invisible World, a description of the Salem witch trials.

 

1809: Abraham Lincoln, the sixteenth president of the United States and author of the Emancipation Proclamation, is born near Hodgenville, Kentucky.

 

1834: German theologian and philosopher Friedrich Schleiermacher dies. He made religion a matter of the will, defining it as feeling an absolute dependence on God in works including On Religion: Speeches to Its Cultured Despisers (1799).

 

1865: Presbyterian minister and militant abolitionist Henry Highland Garnet becomes the first African-American to address the U.S. House of Representatives.

 

1887: Dwight L. Moody organizes the Chicago Evangelical Society.

 

1915: Blind hymn writer Fanny Crosby dies at age 95 after writing more than 8,000 texts.

 

 

HOLLYWOOD, SPORTS AND CELEBRITY FIGURE BIRTHDAYS

  • actress (Speed Racer, Penelope, Cursed, The Addams Family Movie) Christina Ricci 36
  • actor (Milk, W, Mimic, “The Long Riders”) Josh Brolin 48
  • actress (Child’s Play 2, Body Snatchers, The Cactus Kid) Christine Elise 50
  • comedian/actor (Coming to America, “The Arsenio Hall Show”) Arsenio Hall 61 (audio clip)
  • actress (Girl Interrupted, Knocked Up, “Growing Pains”) Joanna Kerns is 62 (audio clip)
  • actor (Dukes of Hazzard movie, Joe Dirt, Tomorrow Never Dies, GoldenEye) Joe Don Baker 80

 

 

BEE-BOP BIRTHDAYS

(Music Artist Birthdays From SongFacts.com)

1904 : Ted Mack

1914 : Tex Beneke

1915 : Lorne Greene

1923 : Mel Powell

1935 : Gene McDaniels

1939 : Ray Manzarek (The Doors)

1944 : Moe Bandy

1948 : Joe Schermie (Three Dog Night)

1949 : Stanley Knight (Black Oak Arkansas)

1950 : Steve Hackett (Genesis)

1952 : Michael McDonald (The Doobie Brothers, Steely Dan)

1959 : Omar Hakim (Weather Report)

1968 : Chynna Phillips (Wilson Phillips)

1970 : Jim Creeggan (Barenaked Ladies)

 

 

SECRETS OF THE UNIVERSE

Why are we so afraid of sharks, anyway?

Have you ever SEEN Jaws?  Okay, well even if you haven’t, you still have the loan shark, card shark – they give sharks a bad name. According to experts on these things, there are more myths about sharks than just about any other living creature except, possibly, snakes. For instance, contrary to popular belief, most sharks pose no danger to people. (But only if they’re in the water and you’re on land, preferably home and in bed.) Supposedly, you’re safer swimming among sharks than driving a car. (What brand of car are we talking about? I bet they had a heck of a recall!) One zoologist has even declared that most sharks are “chinless cowards.” Maybe so. But I still think it is better to take a shark to lunch than the reverse.

 

 

CHRISTIAN ARTIST NEWS

Do you like the Christian Artist News you see below? It’s just a tiny sample of the 5-6 pages of material you could be receive every weekday… and it’s FREE!  Become one of their subscribers at ChristianRadioShowPrepServices.com!

 

Casting Crowns Jaun Devevo says his iPhone might be controlling his life. He posted: Day 3,145 with an iPhone. Autocorrect has now completely taken over my mind. I just type random letters and it tells me what I want to say.

 

Kutless member James Mead is branching out. He announced recently: I’ve been practicing making balloon animals lately. I can make two animals so far: a snake, and a worm.

 

Advice from Britt Nicole: Create, every single day.

 

Casting Crowns Mark Hall was wearing his youth pastor hat over the weekend. He posted: Middle school boys cabin at camp. It smells like corn chips and feet in here. And we all know there’s a fine line between the two.

 

Kutless member James Mead on his time off from touring: When I’m home I basically have the same schedule as a retired grandma…many of whom I’m currently shopping with at the grocery store.

 

Jamie Grace really likes chili. She posted on twitter: I just need the inventor of chili to know they’re a genius.

 

Dan Bremnes was part of a question and answer time on twitter this week. Here are some of his responses:

Q: what inspired you to pursue music?

A: inspired by bands like jars of clay and Delirious as well my youth pastor who taught guitar

Q: If you could choose anyone to record or tour with who would it be?

A: Got to tour with Tenth Avenue North and Crowder which were dreams come true. Switchfoot has always been a favorite too

Q: How do you suggest worship teams develop their own sounds.

A: Start by writing your own tunes. Even if they sound like others at first you’ll find your own sound as you experiment

Q: How did you and Britt meet?

A: We met in Youth Group

Q: What’s your favorite thing about being a music artist?

A: favorite thing is traveling. Seeing new places meeting new people

Q: What’s the best and worst part about touring?

A: I love everything about touring and in so blessed to do it. The only tough part is being away from my family.

Q: What was it like for you and your family to move from Canada to Nashville?

A: It was a big step of faith! Our son was only 2 months old and we started from scratch…. But… No regrets!

Q: Why drives you musically

A: I love sharing a message, and to worship.

 

Natalie Grant was asking for help this week. She tweeted: I know nothing about video games and my twins want one for their birthday. They’re turning 9. Which one? HELP!

 

Tobymac is out with a new interview as he heads out on the next let of his tour. He talks about everything from his team on stage to the fans to dealing with the fame that comes from being a well known artist on stage in front of thousands every night. Find out how Tobymac stays grounded in his life and in his spiritual walk. Watch the interview…

https://youtu.be/by3O9rV56bY

 

Citizenway’s Ben Calhoun taught Daniel Olsson to play guitar when he was 12 years old. This week he came full circle. Ben posted: Now he’s 19 and playing with Citizenway on the The Roadshow tour for his Judson University junior year internship.

https://www.instagram.com/p/BBlMT3zFutv/

 

 

NEWS KICKERS

(No news on the weekends.)

 

NEW NEWS KICKERS…

Police in suburban Chicago say 27-year-old Natasha West flipped out at a Denny’s restaurant recently after a waitress told her she couldn’t share her $4 all-you-can-eat pancakes with the other people at her table.  *** If you can’t afford for each person at the table to buy their own four-dollar meal… you don’t need to be eating at Denny’s.  Try the McDonald’s dollar menu.

 

A study finds that people who use AOL email give the most money to political campaigns.  ***Because they have a lot of disposable income from not spending money on anything other than dial-up.

 

Ted Cruz spent only $580,000 in New Hampshire for his third place finish finish there earlier this week.  Meanwhile, Jeb Bush spent about $36-million for his forth place finish.  ***Then again, we could all have come in 4th spending absolutely nothing and running under a name like “Seymour Buttocks”.

 

An Ohio man charged with stalking Gwyneth Paltrow says he sent her dozens of messages in the hope she might want to marry him. Dante Soiu testified Wednesday that he wanted his messages to show her unconditional love and friendship. He also said he had no animosity toward her after she testified against him in a previous stalking case. The 66-year-old is charged with felony stalking. Soiu sent Paltrow 66 messages and packages between 2009 and 2015.  ***Hey, with her track record with guys, maybe she should consider a 66-year-old… maybe some maturity will do her good.  Plus, that much closer to being a widow a huge lower-middle-class inheritance!

 

 

NEWS KICKER EVERGREENS…

In a recent survey almost 85% of millennials consider online flirting a form of cheating.  ***The remaining 15% are cheaters.

 

China’s Center for Disease Control says efforts to curb tobacco use in the world’s most populous nation have had no real impact and 301 million Chinese are still smoking.  A survey of more than 13,000 people found no significant improvement in the country’s smoking rate since 2002.  ***MARLAR: The problem is that you smoke a Chinese cigarette and half an hour later you’re hungry for another one.

 

If you’re feeling bummed, you may want to try getting married. A recent study found that getting married enhances mental health, especially if you’re depressed. But there is a catch. They also found that if you’re not depressed, marriage could have the opposite effect.  *** In other words, you could have a really depressed person suddenly get married and get happy by making a previously happy person miserable.

 

Recent studies tell us that if we sleep more we will lose weight. How does that happen? Well, here’s how it works. During deep sleep, your brain secretes a large amount of growth hormone, which tells your body how to break down fat for fuel. If you deprive your body of deep sleep, there isn’t enough growth hormone to break down extra fat calories. So your body takes a shortcut and packs it away in your buttocks, thighs, belly — wherever you tend to put on weight. So if you want to start losing weight make sure you make yourself get 7 1/2 to 8 hours of sleep every night.  ***Also, when you’re asleep you’re not packing cheesecake into your pie hole.

 

 

WONDER WOMAN

CLICK HERE TO DOWNLOAD TODAY’S EPISODE… “Buying Barbie’s Friends”

 

 

DAILY COMEDY CLIP

CLICK HERE TO DOWNLOAD TODAY’S EPISODE… Gordon Douglas, “Grade Cards”

 

 

AS THE JUNGLE TURNS – WEEKDAY VERSION

CLICK HERE TO DOWNLOAD FRIDAY’S EPISODE  
OPEN: And now, FancyMonkey.com, (Show Name), and (Station Call Letters) bring you As the Jungle Turns!  When last we left the jungle, Gruffy Bear, Nozzles the Elephant, and Sully the Aardvark all traded their blue-handled tools to Racquet the Skunk so he’d make all of them custom badminton racquets.  But Racquet has a plan… a way to make his friends keep buying more racquets so he can get rich…

 

CLOSE: Looks like we’re about to find out if these new racquets are going to be the racket Racquet wants them to be.  That is, we’re going to find out if the new racquets break easily – forcing Racquets friends to buy new ones.  Will Racquet’s scheme work?  We’ll find out next time, As the Jungle Turns!

 

 

AS THE JUNGLE TURNS – SATURDAY/SUNDAY VERSION

CLICK HERE TO DOWNLOAD THE EPISODE FOR THE WEEKEND OF FEBRUARY 13/14

 

OPEN: And now, FancyMonkey.com, (Show Name), and (Station Call Letters) bring you As the Jungle Turns!  When last we left the jungle, Louis the lion – currently the king of the jungle – decided he didn’t want to be king.  So all of the animals went out searching all throughout the jungle to find a replacement king… someone to be king so Louis wouldn’t have to.  And it looks like they’re getting pretty close!
CLOSE: Being king of the jungle is an awful big responsibility… and it looks like it requires an awful big crown too!  But the crown doesn’t fit Louis, so there must be someone else around that can be king!  We’ll find out who next time, As the Jungle Turns!
***You may simulcast “As the Jungle Turns” on the Internet stream of your live broadcast only. Any other Internet use of “As the Jungle Turns” in whole or part including podcasting of your live broadcast is a violation of copyright law. Thank you for your cooperation on this vitally important issue. If you have any questions, please e-mail us and ask about “Jungle Jam & Friends the Radio Show” usage.

 

 

MOMENT OF DUH

The love of money may be the cause for all kinds of evil – but it’s also a great catalyst for a Moment of Duh!

In Valparaiso, Indiana, 24-year-old Wal-Mart employee Christopher Sheets is in hot water after repeatedly making purchases to get change from a self-service cash register that was dispensing $20 bills instead of $1 bills. Rather than notify his supervisors of the problem like a good employee would do, greedy Chris made 10 purchases in a 4 1/2 hour period and got about $600 in change. A store security official later discovered that the $20 and $1 bills were loaded in the wrong slots of the self-service register after another customer complained that the machine gave a $1 bill in change instead of a $20.  ***MARLAR: Chris ain’t workin’ at Wal-Mart no mo’.

 

 

TOP TEN

TOP TEN TIPS FOR VALENTINE’S DAY

 

  1. To win her heart, order something from “flannel jammies” section in the Sears’ Catalogue.

 

  1. Surprise your Valentine by waking her up with a kiss from her favorite reptile

 

  1. Those little cinnamon hearts are great for de-icing a slippery sidewalk

 

  1. If you receive a card from “Guess Who” you had better guess right.

 

  1. You might want to cancel that week-long bass fishing trip with your buddies

 

  1. Reject that invitation to the daytime talk show.

 

  1. A pizza and pay per view wrestling by candle light does not constitute a romantic date.

 

  1. When buying chocolates, avoid anything called a “blue fuzz special”

 

  1. Remember to take the Wal-Mart price tag off of the flowers.

 

  1. If you’re trying to pass off that dried-up fire hazard in your living room as a “Valentine’s Tree”, it’s probably about time you finish taking down your Christmas decorations.

 

 

THE FILES OF LAW & DISORDER

We’d all love to name our own price for items at Wal-Mart, but dreaming about it and then actually doing could be the difference between freedom and jail.

 

FILE #1: Police arrested an Arkansas man for allegedly slapping his own bar codes on cans of baby formula at a Wal-Mart Super Center in Rogersville. The list price is anywhere between $10 and $20 and he was putting bar codes on them that said that each can was only $1.89. A search warrant revealed that Brahim Abdel-Vetah had $15,000 worth of formula in his van – that’s 1,000 cans – all from different stores throughout Indiana, Kentucky and Ohio.  ***MARLAR: After being questioned by police, Brahim said, “I was just naming my own price like they do on Priceline.COM!

 

FILE #2: Goldonna, Louisiana’s Charles Chase Nobles was only arrested once, but he’s already looking at two strikes against him. After getting a call from a neighbor, police arrested Nobles for breaking into a house. Officers found Nobles inside the home, sitting at the computer where he was attempting to make counterfeit money.

 

FILE #3: It takes more than a great disguise to be a great bank robber.  18-year-old Jesse Federman has been charged with robbing a bank in Adams, New York. Jesse thought out his crime well enough to make sure he wore a ski mask so no one could identify him. Unfortunately, he didn’t think to conceal his getaway car – or its license plate. Witnesses got a good look at both, which belonged to Jesse, and police tracked him down at home 45 minutes later.

 

STRANGE LAW: In South Dakota it’s illegal to lie down and fall asleep in a cheese factory.  ***MARLAR: Is that considered laying provolone?

 

 

THIS IS YOUR BRAIN ON DRUGS

A universal remote doesn’t necessarily mean it will control everything.

Folks in Brisbane, Australia got the scare of their lives when 57-year-old Geoffrey Fryatt threatened to blow up half the city using his television remote! Geoff was very drunk at the time and had the whole city in panic with the police declaring a state of emergency when he reportedly shouted at the top of his voice, “One push of the button will blow up half of Brisbane.” He claimed his remote controlled some explosives planted in a nearby store of chemicals. A lawyer representing Mr. Fryatt told the Brisbane District Court that his client had been drinking too much lately after losing a huge amount from his life savings in a fraud scam.

 

 

PHONER PHUN

A recent study said ladies’ purses should weigh 5 pounds or less to avoid back injury. How much does your purse weigh?  And if it’s more than five pounds, what’s in there that is so vitally important?

 

 

BIBLE BRAIN BUSTER!

QUESTION: In First Timothy, Paul wrote that he had left Timothy in what city?

ANSWER: Ephesus (1 Timothy 1:3)

 

 

QUESTION IMPOSSIBLE

QUESTION: Due to tectonic shifts, Mt. Everest keeps moving northeast every year.  How far northeast has it moved since this time last year?

ANSWER: Two inches.

 

 

TRUE OR FALSE

Pay attention!  If our next player doesn’t answer all ten T/F questions correctly we start all over from question #1!  First person to answer question #10 correctly is our winner!

 

  1. Coffee, as a world commodity, is greater than oil. (False – but it comes in second to oil.)

 

  1. Dolphins sleep with one eye open. (True)

 

  1. A company in Taiwan makes dinnerware out of corn, so you can eat your plate. (False – they make it out of wheat.)

 

  1. Marvin Gardens in the Monopoly game is not spelled the same as the Marven Gardens outside of Atlantic City, NJ, which the board game is based on. (True)

 

  1. The American Typers Association has made a new punctuation mark called an interrobang. (True. They did it in 1967.  It was a combination of the question mark and an exclamation point.  It was rarely used and hasn’t been seen since.)

 

  1. The official name of the St. Louis Gateway Arch is “The Jefferson National Expansion Monument.” (True)

 

  1. The Gateway Arch looks taller than it is wider, but it is actually wider than it is taller. (False – it’s exactly 630 feet by 630 feet.)

 

  1. There are more Samoans in Los Angeles than on American Samoa. (True)

 

  1. There is an ATM machine at McMurdo Station in Antarctica, which has a winter population of 200. (True)

 

  1. The opening to the cave in which a bear hibernates is always on the north-slope. (False – it’s always on the north slope, unless the bear lives in the southern hemisphere.)

 

 

TABLOID MATCH GAME

You have to match the blank in the tabloid headline with the word or phrase that has been removed!

(NONE TODAY)

 

 

THE WAY TOO EARLY IN THE MORNING TO UNDERSTAND THE PUNCHLINE EVEN AFTER TWO CUPS OF COFFEE JOKE OF THE DAY

JOKE #1

The husband had just finished reading a new book, called “You Can Be The Man Of Your House“.

He stormed into the kitchen and walked directly up to his wife.  Pointing a finger in her face, he said sternly, “From now on, YOU need to know that I AM the MAN of this house, and my word is law!  You will prepare me a gourmet meal tonight, and when I’m finished eating my meal, you will serve me a sumptuous dessert afterward.  After dinner, you are going to run me my bath so I can relax. You will wash my back and towel me dry and bring me my robe. Then, you will massage my feet and hands. Then after that’s all done, guess who’s going to dress me and brush my hair?”

His wife replied, “My guess would be the funeral director.”

 

JOKE #2

The District Attorney stared at the jury, unable to believe its verdict.

Bitterly he asked, “What possible excuse could you have for acquitting this man?”

The foreman answered, “Insanity.”

The D.A. said, “All twelve of you?”

 

JOKE #3

The Sunday school teacher was carefully explaining the story of Elijah the Prophet and the false prophets of Baal. She explained how Elijah built the altar, put wood upon it, cut the steer in pieces and laid it upon the altar. And then Elijah commanded the people of God to fill four barrels of water and pour it over the altar. He had them do this four times.

“Now, said the teacher, “can anyone in the class tell me why the Lord would have Elijah pour water over the steer on the altar?”

Little Johnny raised his hand with great enthusiasm. “To make the gravy,” came his enthusiastic reply.

 

 

USELESS FACTS

A British woman who suffered muscle spasms in her vocal chords was able to speak again for the first time in 14 years after getting Botox injected around her voice box.  ***MARLAR: Her husband is threatening to sue.

 

The latest trend among overbearing parents is to call job interviewers and demand to know why their kids weren’t hired.  ***MARLAR: Maybe because the parents were so overbearing that they were actually AT the interview?

 

 

FEATURED FUNNIES

COMMERCIAL REWARD

Author Unknown

At breakfast one day, I eagerly waited for John to comment on my first attempt at homemade cinnamon rolls.

After several minutes with no reaction, I asked, “If I baked these commercially, how much do you think I could get for one of them?”

Without looking up from his newspaper John replied, “About 10 years.”

 

 

IT MUST BE TRUE BECAUSE I HEARD IT ON THE RADIO!

DON’T EAT THAT CHOCOLATE!

Planning on giving chocolates to your sweetie?  You might want to know what’s in that chocolate first.

Before you give someone chocolates for Valentine’s Day, consider that KTVT-TV in Dallas tested several brands, including a bargain box at Target, Whitman, Russell Stover, Hershey and even a $44 box of Godivas. All contained various foreign substances, including insect parts, clothing fibers and human hair. One contained metallic glitter, while the Godivas had clothing fibers, bug parts and cat hair. The good news: the lab said the pieces were all very tiny, it’s impossible to make any natural product completely clean, and our stomachs take care of microscopic contaminants like that. Also, they found no rodent hairs.

 

 

INSPIRATIONAL INSPIRATION

The church in the wilderness modeled the biblical pattern of oversight. Leaders of tens, fifties, hundreds, and thousands were selected to care for the basic needs of the people and to settle their disputes. As a result, Moses had to review only the most difficult cases and policies. His primary job was to commune with God and to teach the Word.
The apostles discovered this principle in the selection of deacons, which freed them to use their time “in prayer and preaching and teaching the word” (Acts 6:4). The early church not only met daily in the temple but also gathered “in homes for the Lord’s Supper, and shared their meals with great joy and generosity (Acts 2:46). Apostles, deacons, and church members all helped carry the load of the growing congregation.
Burned-out pastors and leaders are a testimony to the huge toll of counseling, visiting, and arbitrating required in the church today. In actuality, the pastor is not called to do all ministry, but he is “to equip God’s people to do his work and build up the church” (Ephesians 4:12). Pastors, bring them in, build them up, release their gifts, and send them out. In this way, you will be able to endure as Moses did.

By Larry Stockstill

 

 

DRIVE TIME DEVOTIONAL

GARBAGE MARY

By Mart De Haan

Lay aside all filthiness and overflow of wickedness, and receive with meekness the implanted Word. – James 1:21

She dressed in rags, lived in a tenement house amid mounds of garbage, and spent much of her time rummaging through trash cans. The local newspaper picked up her story after the woman who was known in her neighborhood as “Garbage Mary” had been admitted to a psychiatric hospital. Astonishingly, in her filthy apartment police found stock certificates and bankbooks indicating she was worth at least a million dollars.

This woman’s condition was heartbreaking. But from God’s point of view there are even more tragic examples of “wealthy” people who subsist on “garbage.” If Christians are controlled by lust, hate, envy, pride, impatience, or bitterness, they’re actually choosing to live off the refuse of the world.

This might be understandable if they had no resources to draw from. You’d expect that kind of behavior from people without faith in Christ. But that’s not the case for believers. We have the Word of truth and the help of the Holy Spirit. We have no excuse for groveling in the dirt of sin when the power of God is at our disposal.

Father, forgive us for eating “garbage” when You’ve prepared a banquet for us. Help us to “lay aside all filthiness” (James 1:21) and to feast on Your goodness.

 

Choose not the lowly paths of sin
When lofty heights before you rise;
God freely gives the power to win
The victor’s crown, the heavenly prize. —D. De Haan

 

One taste of God’s grace can make us lose our hunger for the world.

 

 

LEFTOVERS

NEW RECIPE!

A Malaysian man has been arrested after allegedly boiling food and dirty underwear in the same pot! (Ewww.)

Health officials were about to search the food stand when the man allegedly pulled the underwear out of the cooking pot and threw it into the river. Some stand owners are said to think putting dirty underwear in their cooking pots attracts customers. The clothing was carried away by the river and could not be retrieved. A spokesman for a local health office says the man will be charged with obstructing enforcement officers. The offence carries a maximum of two years in jail. The spokesman said: “This method of using dirty underwear, which is believed to increase demand for food, is an untrue belief and must be stopped.” ***MARLAR: How did anyone think this was ever a GOOD idea?!?  “Let’s see… I’ve got a hamburger, fries, soft drink… hmm… all we need now is dirty underwear and we’ll have the perfect picnic!”

 

 

LIFE… LIVE IT

CELEBRATION OF LOVE WEEK (FEBRUARY 11-17)

A professor at Bowling Green State University has done a number of studies on romantic behavior. He asked adults between the ages of 18 and 79 what the most romantic behavior is, and here’s the top ten:

  1. The kiss
  2. Flowers (giving and receiving)
  3. Dinner (out; making dinner for/with me; candlelight, wine, music, no kids)
  4. Talking
  5. Holding hands
  6. The Hug (in bed after the alarm goes off; unexpected)
  7. Sharing outdoor leisure activities (picnics, beach, ice skating, moonlight swim or drive, fishing, walk in the park)
  8. Gifts (expensive; diamonds; jewelry; candy; unexpected or surprise gifts)
  9. Walking (in the evening; at night; in the rain; in the moonlight)
  10. Touching (hand on knee; pat on shoulder or hand; head in lap or sitting on lap; playing with hair, etc.)

 

 

JUST FOR FUN

SMOKE FREE ENVIRONMENT

It’s happened in one city… if you smoke you can’t work for the city of Temple Terrace, Florida! Will it come to our town? 

Temple Terrace, Florida has adopted a policy of not hiring any city employees who smoke. Furthermore, if you’re now working there, you had better quit, or look for another job. If you smoke, you likely feel that this hiring policy is unfair… maybe even illegal! But the city of Temple Terrace obviously doesn’t agree with you. It’s all about a healthier and more productive work force, and reducing the cost of health insurance coverage. Smokers take more sick days. Smokers are ill more often. Smokers take too many breaks from work. Smokers drive up your health insurance costs. ***MARLAR: Personally, I love this idea, Because of smokers, the rest of us are stuck paying more for insurance. Also, we’re stuck doing their work when they take those sick days. You want to work here? Kick that absurd addiction!

 

 

FUN LIST

VALENTINE NO-NOS.

There’s a lot of advice going around about what you SHOULD give your sweetie for Valentine’s Day.  But equally important is what NOT to give her.  Here’s a few examples.  Do NOT give her:

  • A box of chocolates, clumsily rearranged in an attempt to hide the fact you ate all the caramel ones.
  • Any clothing item with the words “push-up” or “slim-down” on the label.
  • Any food item with the words “diet”, “light”, or “high fiber” on the label.
  • Any video starring Sylvester Stallone, Vin Diesel or Jim Carrey.
  • Flowers from a hospital’s gift shop — or worse, a mortuary’s.
  • Anything you ever gave another woman, including your mother.
  • Anything you could pick up at a hardware store.
  • Anything you could have bought at the gas station mini-mart on the way over, even if you didn’t.
  • A Hickory Farms cheese ball
  • A catchers mitt
  • Nose hair trimmers
  • Overalls
  • Jewelry that comes in a plastic bubble from a supermarket
  • Frozen tater tots
  • Anything from a drug store
  • A chilled bottle of Mop and Glow
  • Anything that says “one size fits all”
  • A toilet brush
  • Leftover Halloween candy
  • A Valentine balloon on a broken stick
  • An extension cord with a bow on it
  • A “Star Trek” calendar
  • An apologetic look and the words, “That was today?”

 

 

MORE SHOW PREP STUFF…

DRIVING MISS DAISY

What kind of driving persona do you have?  Mean Maureen?  Terry the Tailgater?  Arrogant Andy?  Steve the Speedaholic?  Daphne the Ditherer?  According to one company, everyone falls into at least one of those personas!

According to Petrol Company, JET, when you get behind the wheel you automatically fit into one of the following personality patterns. Are you:

  • “Mean Maureen” – tight-lipped, avoiding eye contact and absolutely refuse to let anyone else in.
  • “Terry the Tailgater” – sits on your tail and tries to intimidate you to get out of the way.
  • “Arrogant Andy” – a queue jumper who zips up the outside or uses the hard shoulder, to push in at the last minute.
  • “Steve the Speedaholic” – the person whose own ego will not let him slow down.
  • “Daphne the Ditherer” – crawls along at a snail’s pace, failing to signal clearly and stop-starting at every junction and roundabout.

 

 

OTHER STUFF I WANT TO CRAM INTO TODAY’S PREP

This Valentine’s Day you will probably either send or receive a Valentine from someone. More than a billion are expected to be given away in the United States alone. But just like many of our holidays, there’s a lot more behind it than just cards and gifts. There’s a true life story. It’s a story that teaches us a lot about the true meaning of love, sacrifice and commitment. Read the entire story of Valentines Day, as told on the Family First web site. http://bit.ly/1Ky2aeJ

 

The web site Family Minute is out with a list of Creative and Unique Types of Valentine’s Day Gifts. As a way to spur creative gift giving, the web site suggests things like the gift of memories, the gift of experience, the gift of time, and the gift of service. Ideas include everything from washing your spouses car to turning your home into a restaurant. Check out the entire list at http://bit.ly/1vw2j0S

 

With everyone focusing on couples now as we close in on Valentine’s Day, we haven’t forgotten about those of you who are single!  Don’t despair – you’re not alone!  If you’re waiting on that special someone in your life, here are SIX “P”s to waiting well…

  1. Priorities. What or whom are you putting first in your life?
  2. Prayer.
  3. Passion. Live your dreams now.
  4. Perseverance. trust in the One who loves you most to bring what is best!
  5. Praise. Thank God for all he has done and is doing in your life.
  6. Peace. God is sovereign. He is in control and He knows what He’s doing.

See each of these points in-depth at http://bit.ly/1FLkQLy

 

 

AND I LEAVE YOU WITH THIS THOUGHT

Fashions for today’s show by Frederick’s of Fort Bragg, where this week only you can save 50% on black nylon fatigues.

 

 

THE TICKET Movie Reviews with MARIE ASNER

Marie Asner has been reviewing films for over 30 years. Her outlets include radio, print and Internet.  For more in-depth movie reviews of the following films, visit www.Tollbooth.org.  Ratings from 1 (Low) to 5 (High).

 

FEBRUARY 12, 2016…

 

Where To Invade—Michael Moore (and I bet he’s working on a documentary now on the water situation in Flint, Michigan) travels the world in his documentary “Where To Invade” trying to find information (tongue-in-cheek) to help the U.S. He goes to Finland and other countries looking for answers to prison crowding (in one country, the prisoners have free roaming of the prison and it is better inside than outside.) “Where To Invade” is rated PG 13. Rating of 3.

 

Deadpool—Comic book fans, here comes “Deadpool,” the former special forces/mercenary guy who underwent an experiment (again?) and comes out fighting crime with language to boot. Ryan Reynolds plays the hero, and others in the cast include Morena Baccarin (“Gotham”), Ed Skrein (“Transporter”) and Stan Lee (you read that right.) “Deadpool” is rated R. Rating of 3 for fans.

 

How To Be Single—The gals gather: Dakota Johnson, Alison Bree, Rebel Wilson and Leslie Mann—to learn how to live without men. Look out guys, here they come. “How To Be Single” is rated R. No rating.

 

Zoolander 2-–The first film was a fan favorite and now Ben Stiller and Owen Wilson reprise their roles as models Derek and Hansel. Guess who else is in the cast? Benedict Cumberbatch (“Sherlock Holmes”), Kristen Wiig and Will Ferrell. This story has devious people trying to get Derek and Hansel out of the business. “Zoolander 2” is rated R. Rating of 2 for fans.

 

The Bad Hurt—All families have problems, hurts and secrets and in this particular one, they try to work through everything. The cast includes Ashley Williams, Karen Allen and Johnny Whitworth. “The Bad Hurt” is rated PG 13. No rating.

 

FEBRUARY 19, 2016…

 

Race is the story of Jesse Owens, the African-American athlete who was in the 1936 Olympics against all odds. Stars Stephan James.

 

Viral has a virus running amok around the country and one family trying to avoid getting it. Stars Analeigh Tipton and Michael Kelly.

 

# # # # #

 

 

WARNING:    Don’t believe anything you read on the Internet or email (including stuff you read here) unless you can confirm it with another source, and/or it is consistent with what you already know to be true. The opinions in this publication are not necessarily those of Darren Marlar, Marlar House Entertainment, OnAirPrep.com, or any company or organization affiliated with aforementioned.  (Regardless of how stupid you may think those opinions are.  So there – nyah!)

Darren Marlar credits all non-original material to the author whenever possible. All other material is original, used with permission, or author unknown. We welcome all comments, questions, and suggestions.  Darren can be reached via his website at www.DarrenMarlar.com.