February 12, 2018: Monday ONAIRprep

ONAIRprep is a paid subscription service from MarlarHouse.com. Visit ONAIRprep.com for information.

Looking for the customized tag for “Daily Dose of Weird News” for your show or station? Email me directly at darren@marlarhouse.com to get started – it’s free with your ONAIRprep subscription!

**********
PRINT VERSIONS OF TODAY’S PREP:
ODT: 20180212
PDF: 20180212

**********

WELCOME TO THE SHOW!

What a busy weekend coming up! I am SO looking forward to shaking the first can of Desenex at the annual (SMALL TOWN) Foot Fungus Festival!

I’m all for hiring the disabled, but we need to draw the line at hiring the blind to drive the snowplows. They’ve knocked my mailbox over twice now. (I apologize if I’ve offended any blind snowplow drivers.)

I hate when we’re under a “Parking Snow Emergency”. Yesterday I had to park on the odd side of the street, today it’s the even side. If it happens tomorrow I might just leave my car in the garage.

“If you dream a thing more than once, it’s sure to come true.” –Walt Disney ***So one day I truly am going to be dating Christie Brinkley? My wife is NOT going to like this…

Even if I’m playing Solitaire, I still hear sports commentators in my head with a play-by-play. Is that unusual?

PRESIDENTIAL WIT & WISDOM (click here to buy the book)

(None on the weekends or holidays.)

“We must not then depend alone upon the love of liberty in the soul of man for its preservation.” – John Adams

BIBLE VERSE OF THE DAY

“Be strong and courageous, do not be afraid or tremble at them, for the LORD your God is the one who goes with you. He will not fail you or forsake you.” –Deuteronomy 31:6

If I speak in the tongues of men and of angels, but have not love, I am only a resounding gong or a clanging cymbal. If I have the gift of prophecy and can fathom all mysteries and all knowledge, and if I have faith that can move mountains, but have not love, I am nothing. If I give all I possess to the poor and surrender my body to the flames, but have not love, I gain nothing. — 1 Corinthians 13:1-3

The tongue that brings healing is a tree of life, but a deceitful tongue crushes the spirit. — Proverbs 15:4

HEARTLIGHT DAILY VERSE, PRAYER & THOUGHT

(From VerseOfTheDay.com)

So God created man in his own image, in the image of God he created him; male and female he created them. — Genesis 1:27

Thought: We are made in God’s image. Not just the man. Not just the woman. Both male and female are made in God’s image! Incredibly, this is not just true before the Fall. When God made us in the womb of our mothers (Psalm 139:13-16), he made us in his image (Genesis 9:6). Because people are precious to God, because we reflect something of the character of our Creator, each person is to be valued. None is to be denigrated, belittled, or cursed (James 3:9-12). People are precious, not only to God, but also to us because in some special way they reflect his image.

Prayer: Almighty Creator, please help me value each person I meet today because I am consciously aware that you have individually made them to reflect your character and nature. At the same time, bless me with spiritual growth as I consciously submit myself to your Spirit as you transform me to be more like you each day. In Jesus’ name I pray. Amen.

The Thoughts and Prayers for Today’s Verse are written by Phil Ware. You can email questions or comments to phil@heartlight.org.

BIRTHDAY VERSE” OF THE DAY (The chapter and verse correspond to the month and day!)

1 Corinthians 2:12 NIV = We have not received the spirit of the world but the Spirit who is from God, that we may understand what God has freely given us.

TODAY IS MONDAY – FEBRUARY 12, 2018

(NOTE: Some holidays may be duplicated due to various calendars reporting conflicting dates)
WEIRD, WACKY, STRANGE, ZANY, ODD, BIZARRE, QUIRKY, UNUSUAL HOLIDAYS!
THERE ARE ONLY
315 SHOPPING DAYS UNTIL NEXT CHRISTMAS.

Today is CHOCOLATE DAY. ***As if you won’t get enough on Valentine’s Day.

Today is MAN DAY. ***And we don’t want chocolate – we want lasagna!

Today is PICK A NEW LOVE SONG DAY. ***I’m not sure I understand this one. It makes it sound like the first love song you picked wasn’t good enough.

This is NATIONAL RESURRECT ROMANCE WEEK. ***But then, they can’t trust us to pick a decent love song the first time around, so what hope do we have?

TODAY IS ALSO…

Clean Out Your Computer Day
Darwin Day
Extraterrestrial Culture Day
Extraterrestrial Visitor Day
Lincoln’s Birthday
NAACP Day
Oglethorpe Day
Paul Bunyan Day
Safety Pup Day

COMING UP NEXT (Just a list, we are not endorsing the holidays posted below. Find more holidays and link to their websites at BrownieLocks.com)

TUESDAY, FEBRUARY 13

Desperation Day
Employee Legal Awareness Day
Galentine’s Day
Get a Different Name Day
International Condom Day
International Pancake Day
Pancake Day Race
Madly In Love With Me Day
National Wingman’s Day
Mardi Gras
Paczki Day
World Radio Day

WEDNESDAY, FEBRUARY 14

Ferris Wheel Day
International Book Giving Day
Frederick Douglass Day
League of Women Voters Day
Pet Theft Awareness Day
Library Lovers Day
National Have A Heart Day
National Donor Day
National Women’s Heart Day
Quirky Alone Day
Race Relations Day
Singles Awareness Day or Singles Appreciation Day
Valentines Day
(World) Congenital Heart Defect Awareness Day
World Sound Healing Day

THURSDAY, FEBRUARY 15

Angelman Syndrome Day
Annoy Squidward Day (aka Your Boss)
Lupercalia
National Gum Drop Day
National Hippo Day
Remember The Maine Day
Susan B. Anthony Day
Westminster Dog Show

FRIDAY, FEBRUARY 16

Kyoto Protocol Day
Losar
National Almond Day
National Caregivers Day
Tartar Sauce Day
World Information Architecture Day

SATURDAY FEBRUARY 17

Champion Crab Races Day
My Way Day
National PTA Founders Day
Random Acts of Kindness Day
World Human Spirit Day
World Whale Day

SUNDAY, FEBRUARY 18

Battery Day
Cow Milked While Flying In An Airplane Day
Daytona 500
Eat Ice Cream for Breakfast Day
National Drink Wine Day
National Hate Florida Day
Pluto  Day

MONDAY, FEBRUARY 19

Best Friends Day
Chocolate Mint Day
National Lashes Day
Presidents Day
Iwo Jima Day (Landing)

ON THIS DAY

1870: The Utah territory granted its women the right to vote.

1878: U.S. patent #200,358 was issued to Frederick Thayer for his baseball catcher’s mask. It was similar to one worn by cowboys to keep from being kicked in the face while branding cattle.

1924: Paul Whiteman and his orchestra premiered “Rhapsody in Blue” at Carnegie Hall. The soloist was George Gershwin.

1940: “The Adventures of Superman” debuted on the Mutual Radio Network, starring Bud Collyer as the Man of Steel. The comic book character had been created in 1938 by two Toronto teenagers, Jerry Siegel and Joe Shuster.

1981: A Houston woman described as “rather large” was sentenced to 10 years in prison for trying to steal two fur coats and a color TV set from a department store by hiding them between her legs. Police dubbed the shoplifter “The Bowlegged Gang.”

1984: Charles Jones of McGehee, Arkansas, joined the Philadelphia 76ers. His brothers, Wilbert, Caldwell, and Major, already were NBA veterans. Two other brothers were drafted, but never made the NBA. The six Jones brothers were 6-8, 6-9, 6-9, 6-9, 6-10, and 6-11.

1994: A Montreal woman sued a local funeral home and a hospital after the funeral home called to offer its services just 3½ hours after she had been diagnosed at the hospital with skin cancer.

1998: At a Los Angeles auction, the Lund Foundation paid $442,500 for the lyrics to Elton John’s “Candle in the Wind 1997,” written in memory of Princess Diana. The foundation supports educational and youth programs.

1999: The U.S. Senate voted to acquit President Clinton of perjury and obstruction of justice; the President said he was “profoundly sorry” for what he’d said and done in the Monica Lewinsky affair.

2000: Two popular Americans died: Charles Schulz, creator of the ”Peanuts” comic strip, died in California at age 77. Football coach Tom Landry, who led the Dallas Cowboys to five Super Bowls, died in Texas at age 75.

2001: A federal appeals court ruled the Internet service Napster could not allow users to swap copyrighted music without charge.

2002: A six-year-old boy ate the first meal of his life after having a kidney transplant. The boy had been fed through a tube because of his serious medical conditions. From Covingham, England, the lad said he especially enjoyed the ketchup with his first meal, a burger. He had had 30 operations and regular dialysis until the transplant.

2004: Four men were charged in a 42-count indictment alleging steroid-distribution to provided performance-enhancing drugs to athletes in the NFL, major league baseball, and track and field.

TODAY IN CHRISTIAN HISTORY

1663: Congregational minister Cotton Mather is born in Boston. The most celebrated New England writer of his day, he was a scientist (whose work included early studies of inoculation), one of the founders of Yale University, and pastor of Boston’s Second Church (just as his father, Increase Mather, had been). He also wrote Wonders of the Invisible World, a description of the Salem witch trials.

1809: Abraham Lincoln, the sixteenth president of the United States and author of the Emancipation Proclamation, is born near Hodgenville, Kentucky.

1834: German theologian and philosopher Friedrich Schleiermacher dies. He made religion a matter of the will, defining it as feeling an absolute dependence on God in works including On Religion: Speeches to Its Cultured Despisers (1799).

1865: Presbyterian minister and militant abolitionist Henry Highland Garnet becomes the first African-American to address the U.S. House of Representatives.

1887: Dwight L. Moody organizes the Chicago Evangelical Society.

1915: Blind hymn writer Fanny Crosby dies at age 95 after writing more than 8,000 texts.

HOLLYWOOD, SPORTS AND CELEBRITY FIGURE BIRTHDAYS

  • actress (Speed Racer, Penelope, Cursed, The Addams Family Movie) Christina Ricci 38

  • actor (Milk, W, Mimic, “The Long Riders”) Josh Brolin 50

  • actress (Child’s Play 2, Body Snatchers, The Cactus Kid) Christine Elise 52

  • comedian/actor (Coming to America, “The Arsenio Hall Show”) Arsenio Hall 63 (audio clip)

  • actress (Girl Interrupted, Knocked Up, “Growing Pains”) Joanna Kerns is 64 (audio clip)

  • actor (Dukes of Hazzard movie, Joe Dirt, Tomorrow Never Dies, GoldenEye) Joe Don Baker 82

BEE-BOP BIRTHDAYS

(Music Artist Birthdays From SongFacts.com)

1904 : Ted Mack

1914 : Tex Beneke

1915 : Lorne Greene

1923 : Mel Powell

1935 : Gene McDaniels

1939 : Ray Manzarek (The Doors)

1944 : Moe Bandy

1948 : Joe Schermie (Three Dog Night)

1949 : Stanley Knight (Black Oak Arkansas)

1950 : Steve Hackett (Genesis)

1952 : Michael McDonald (The Doobie Brothers, Steely Dan)

1959 : Omar Hakim (Weather Report)

1968 : Chynna Phillips (Wilson Phillips)

1970 : Jim Creeggan (Barenaked Ladies)

SECRETS OF THE UNIVERSE (Answering questions that have plagued mankind for minutes!)

Why are we so afraid of sharks, anyway?

Have you ever SEEN Jaws? Okay, well even if you haven’t, you still have the loan shark, card shark – they give sharks a bad name. According to experts on these things, there are more myths about sharks than just about any other living creature except, possibly, snakes. For instance, contrary to popular belief, most sharks pose no danger to people. (But only if they’re in the water and you’re on land, preferably home and in bed.) Supposedly, you’re safer swimming among sharks than driving a car. (What brand of car are we talking about? I bet they had a heck of a recall!) One zoologist has even declared that most sharks are “chinless cowards.” Maybe so. But I still think it is better to take a shark to lunch than the reverse.

NEWS KICKERS

(None on weekends. Want a customizable version with your specific station tag, FREE? Email me for more information! )

NEW NEWS KICKERS…

(Not posted on weekends and U.S. holidays.)

Actress Diane Neal, who played Assistant District Attorney Casey Novak on “Law & Order: Special Victims Unit,” has announced that she is making an independent run for New York’s 19th Congressional District seat. Neal tweeted this week: “Ok, so it’s ON!!! But I’m doing with nearly no staff, no donations (yet), with no party. Goal is no negativity. Goal is HIGH ROAD all the way.”  ***So you can go ahead and count her out of the race now.

President Trump would like to assure us he is “not a braggart.”  ***And there’s nothing more I could add to that statement to make it any funnier than it already is.

A Massachusetts couple says it was fun at first when they started receiving free mystery packages from Amazon that they hadn’t ordered. Now it’s reached the point of annoying bewilderment and they want it to stop. Mike and Kelly Gallivan say the first package arrived in October. Since then, they’ve continued to receive about two packages each week and are up to about 25 in all. The packages contain mostly cheap stuff such as plastic fans and phone chargers. Amazon told them the merchandise was paid for with a gift card with no sender’s name. Two experts say the Gallivans are likely unwittingly being used in a ruse to manipulate Amazon buyer reviews. The anonymous sender is likely writing glowing reviews of their own product. ***Soooo… FREE stuff!  Put me on your list, buddy – I’ll take it!

Women prefer real men. As in men who have hairy chests and beer bellies, rather than men who dress well and get manicures. That’s the word from a survey of British women conducted by Lion Bar Ice Cream. They found 80% of women consider the metrosexual traits of hair straightening and frequent tanning to be a sexual turnoff. The poll also found that 10% of women like the smell of beer on a man breath, while 20% admitted they are attracted to men with “a bit of body odor.” ***Gee ladies… it’s just too bad I’m not single.

An Alaska Airlines flight from Anchorage to Seattle was forced to make a U-turn Wednesday due to a disruptive naked passenger. ***Naked – in ALASKA?  That person really DOES need psychiatric help!

There will be a Spice Girls reunion tour… kicking off in late summer and including stops in the U.K. and the U.S.  ***Good news, if that’s what you want… what you really really want.

Brad Pitt was involved in a three-car accident in Los Angeles on Monday. Pitt allegedly crashed his Tesla into a Nissan, which then hit a Kia.  ***Undoubtedly someone is now going to say he’s guilty of making unwanted advances.

Chelsea Handler says her goal is to voluntarily sleep with a Republican in 2018.  ***With her unbelievably low moral character, I’m sure the Republican are just lining up for it too.

There was supposed to be a father-daughter dance for elementary school students in Staten Island, New York, tonight. But it was canceled out of concern that it would violate the state’s new gender guidelines.  ***Gender guidelines?  What – is it illegal to have a dad now?

Melania Trump has 9.7 million followers on her @FLOTUS Twitter account. But she’s only following five people and one of them: Barack Obama.  ***Why only follow five people?  Because one of them is, of course, her husband – and if you’re reading his tweets there’s no time left to keep up with anybody else.

Macy’s is going to launch a clothing line geared towards Muslim women. ***The trick will be doing an unveiling of the fashions while keeping the veils on the fashion models.

A big Oops for the Norwegian Olympic team who used Google Translate to order 1500 eggs for their team. Something got mixed up and 15,000 eggs were delivered.  ***And boy do they have egg on their face!

The 2018 Sports Illustrated Swimsuit Issue will hit newsstands next week.  ***Although if you buy it you risk being a target of the #MeToo movement.

New research indicates that breast cancer is spread by a compound found in asparagus.  ***Yet another good reason to avoid eating your vegetables.

Toys R Us has started their store-closing sales. ***Soon to be renamed, “Bankrupt R Us”.

While it may seem like a pretty cheesy marketing idea, a funeral home has been throwing free pizza parties in order to get families to pre-plan their funerals. According to Mark Krause, the owner of Krause Funeral Homes in Brookfield, Wisconsin, pre-planning your funeral means putting a certain amount of money into a trust that is kept in your name. No matter where you go and which funeral parlor is responsible for your memorial, the money is always there to take care of things once you pass. With funeral prices becoming increasingly more expensive over the years, paying for the service in advance means that your family is most likely to save a lot of money in the long run. However, it might be hard for some families to get used to talking about death in such a casual way – that’s why Krause got the idea to start throwing the pizza parties.  ***Planning your funeral, pizza… all you need now is a large soda and a box of popcorn for the perfect date night!
https://www.goodnewsnetwork.org/funeral-home-hosts-pizza-parties-take-sting-death-people-will-pre-plan-funerals/

Valentine’s Day is one of the most popular days to get married in Las Vegas. And of course in Vegas, you’ve got your choice of wedding chapels. But if you really, really love diners, why not get married at Denny’s? The flagship Denny’s in downtown Las Vegas not only serves up eggs, hash browns and milkshakes 24 hours a day, but marriages, as well, at their on-site wedding chapel. This year, the restaurant is offering couples who want to tie the knot on Valentine’s Day a special package for $99.  ***Not only will you hit a home run on your wedding night… you can make it a GRAND SLAM!
http://on.today.com/2FUfI9n

NEWS KICKER EVERGREENS…

(Not posted on weekends and U.S. holidays.)

A new study found that taking a hot bath for half an hour burns as many calories as a half hour walk. ***Guess who’s jumping back onto the weight-loss bandwagon!

Well this will likely change the way you eat at the state fair – and at gas stations – and barbecues.  Clear Foods uses special technology to analyze foods at a molecular level, ingredient by ingredient. When it looked at 345 hot dog and sausage products from 75 brands and 10 retailers, the company says it found “human DNA in 2% of the samples, and in two-thirds of the vegetarian samples.”  *** Soylent Hot Dogs are People!!!!

A new study seems to show that drinking alcohol may enhance a person’s problem solving skills.  ***Well, it worked for the crew of the Battlestar Galactica!

A study has found that the attention span of the average American is two seconds.  ***I would never have guessed it was that long.

Are you a very ticklish person? It may mean you have a high IQ. If the slightest tickle makes you limp with laughter, it’s actually a good thing. A Harvard study shows that ticklish people have IQ’s that are on average 48-points higher than their non ticklish friends. Apparently men like Socrates, Leonardo Da Vinci and Albert Einstein were all so ticklish that sometimes just being touched was pure agony for them.  ***So how do you explain Elmo?

AS THE JUNGLE TURNS

(Not updated on weekends and U.S. holidays.)

CLICK HERE TO DOWNLOAD MONDAY’S EPISODE

OPEN: And now, FancyMonkey.com, (Show Name), and (Station Call Letters) bring you As the Jungle Turns! Last time, the jungle animals’ new king, Louis the little lion, decided he didn’t want to play badminton, build forts, or go swimming. And since he’s now the king, he can decide anything he likes… so he’s decided to pounce on dandelions. And since they’re following him, all the other animals are also pouncing…

CLOSE: Now what is Louis going to do? He’s the king – he has to decide something! Find out next time, As the Jungle Turns!

***You may simulcast “As the Jungle Turns” on the Internet stream of your live broadcast only. Any other Internet use of “As the Jungle Turns” in whole or part including podcasting of your live broadcast is a violation of copyright law. Thank you for your cooperation on this vitally important issue. If you have any questions, please e-mail us and ask about “Jungle Jam & Friends the Radio Show” usage.

MOMENT OF DUH
The love of money may be the cause for all kinds of evil – but it’s also a great catalyst for a Moment of Duh!

In Valparaiso, Indiana, 24-year-old Wal-Mart employee Christopher Sheets is in hot water after repeatedly making purchases to get change from a self-service cash register that was dispensing $20 bills instead of $1 bills. Rather than notify his supervisors of the problem like a good employee would do, greedy Chris made 10 purchases in a 4 1/2 hour period and got about $600 in change. A store security official later discovered that the $20 and $1 bills were loaded in the wrong slots of the self-service register after another customer complained that the machine gave a $1 bill in change instead of a $20. ***MARLAR: Chris ain’t workin’ at Wal-Mart no mo’.

TOP TEN

TOP TEN TIPS FOR VALENTINE’S DAY

10. To win her heart, order something from “flannel jammies” section in the Sears’ Catalogue.

9. Surprise your Valentine by waking her up with a kiss from her favorite reptile

8. Those little cinnamon hearts are great for de-icing a slippery sidewalk

7. If you receive a card from “Guess Who” you had better guess right.

6. You might want to cancel that week-long bass fishing trip with your buddies

5. Reject that invitation to the daytime talk show.

4. A pizza and pay per view wrestling by candle light does not constitute a romantic date.

3. When buying chocolates, avoid anything called a “blue fuzz special”

2. Remember to take the Wal-Mart price tag off of the flowers.

1. If you’re trying to pass off that dried-up fire hazard in your living room as a “Valentine’s Tree”, it’s probably about time you finish taking down your Christmas decorations.

THE FILES OF LAW & DISORDER

We’d all love to name our own price for items at Wal-Mart, but dreaming about it and then actually doing could be the difference between freedom and jail.

FILE #1: Police arrested an Arkansas man for allegedly slapping his own bar codes on cans of baby formula at a Wal-Mart Super Center in Rogersville. The list price is anywhere between $10 and $20 and he was putting bar codes on them that said that each can was only $1.89. A search warrant revealed that Brahim Abdel-Vetah had $15,000 worth of formula in his van – that’s 1,000 cans – all from different stores throughout Indiana, Kentucky and Ohio.  ***MARLAR: After being questioned by police, Brahim said, “I was just naming my own price like they do on Priceline.COM!

FILE #2: Goldonna, Louisiana’s Charles Chase Nobles was only arrested once, but he’s already looking at two strikes against him. After getting a call from a neighbor, police arrested Nobles for breaking into a house. Officers found Nobles inside the home, sitting at the computer where he was attempting to make counterfeit money.

FILE #3: It takes more than a great disguise to be a great bank robber. 18-year-old Jesse Federman has been charged with robbing a bank in Adams, New York. Jesse thought out his crime well enough to make sure he wore a ski mask so no one could identify him. Unfortunately, he didn’t think to conceal his getaway car – or its license plate. Witnesses got a good look at both, which belonged to Jesse, and police tracked him down at home 45 minutes later.

STRANGE LAW: In South Dakota it’s illegal to lie down and fall asleep in a cheese factory. ***Is that considered laying provolone?

THIS IS YOUR BRAIN ON DRUGS

This Is Your Brain On Drugs” is about people doing dumb things under the influence, but addiction is no laughing matter. If you or someone you know needs help, there’s a toll free number you can call 1-800-438-0380. That’s the Addiction Hope and Help Line at 1-800-438-0380.

A universal remote doesn’t necessarily mean it will control everything.

Folks in Brisbane, Australia got the scare of their lives when 57-year-old Geoffrey Fryatt threatened to blow up half the city using his television remote! Geoff was very drunk at the time and had the whole city in panic with the police declaring a state of emergency when he reportedly shouted at the top of his voice, “One push of the button will blow up half of Brisbane.” He claimed his remote controlled some explosives planted in a nearby store of chemicals. A lawyer representing Mr. Fryatt told the Brisbane District Court that his client had been drinking too much lately after losing a huge amount from his life savings in a fraud scam.

PHONER PHUN

A recent study said ladies’ purses should weigh 5 pounds or less to avoid back injury. How much does your purse weigh? And if it’s more than five pounds, what’s in there that is so vitally important?

BIBLE BRAIN BUSTER!

QUESTION: In First Timothy, Paul wrote that he had left Timothy in what city?

ANSWER: Ephesus (1 Timothy 1:3)

QUESTION IMPOSSIBLE

QUESTION: Due to tectonic shifts, Mt. Everest keeps moving northeast every year.  How far northeast has it moved since this time last year?

ANSWER: Two inches.

TRUE OR FALSE

Pay attention! If our next player doesn’t answer all ten T/F questions correctly we start all over from question #1! First person to answer question #10 correctly is our winner!

1. Coffee, as a world commodity, is greater than oil. (False – but it comes in second to oil.)

2. Dolphins sleep with one eye open. (True)

3. A company in Taiwan makes dinnerware out of corn, so you can eat your plate. (False – they make it out of wheat.)

4. Marvin Gardens in the Monopoly game is not spelled the same as the Marven Gardens outside of Atlantic City, NJ, which the board game is based on. (True)

5. The American Typers Association has made a new punctuation mark called an interrobang. (True. They did it in 1967. It was a combination of the question mark and an exclamation point. It was rarely used and hasn’t been seen since.)

6. The official name of the St. Louis Gateway Arch is “The Jefferson National Expansion Monument.” (True)

7. The Gateway Arch looks taller than it is wider, but it is actually wider than it is taller. (False – it’s exactly 630 feet by 630 feet.)

8. There are more Samoans in Los Angeles than on American Samoa. (True)

9. There is an ATM machine at McMurdo Station in Antarctica, which has a winter population of 200. (True)

10. The opening to the cave in which a bear hibernates is always on the north-slope. (False – it’s always on the north slope, unless the bear lives in the southern hemisphere.)

TABLOID MATCH GAME

You have to match the blank in the tabloid headline with the word or phrase that has been removed!

“Woman in Labor Insists on Paying For Walmart Purchases Before ________!” (HAVING BABY)
Cecelia Rivas was shopping at her local Walmart in Utah when she suddenly went into labor. As she approached Register 11, dropped to her knees, clutched her stomach, and … pulled out her wallet. She absolutely insisted on paying for her items until she moved on to her next priority – having the baby right there in the store.

THE WAY TOO EARLY IN THE MORNING TO UNDERSTAND THE PUNCHLINE EVEN AFTER TWO CUPS OF COFFEE JOKE OF THE DAY 

JOKE #1

The husband had just finished reading a new book, called “You Can Be The Man Of Your House“.

He stormed into the kitchen and walked directly up to his wife.  Pointing a finger in her face, he said sternly, “From now on, YOU need to know that I AM the MAN of this house, and my word is law!  You will prepare me a gourmet meal tonight, and when I’m finished eating my meal, you will serve me a sumptuous dessert afterward.  After dinner, you are going to run me my bath so I can relax. You will wash my back and towel me dry and bring me my robe. Then, you will massage my feet and hands. Then after that’s all done, guess who’s going to dress me and brush my hair?”

His wife replied, “My guess would be the funeral director.”

JOKE #2

The District Attorney stared at the jury, unable to believe its verdict.

Bitterly he asked, “What possible excuse could you have for acquitting this man?”

The foreman answered, “Insanity.”

The D.A. said, “All twelve of you?”

JOKE #3

The Sunday school teacher was carefully explaining the story of Elijah the Prophet and the false prophets of Baal. She explained how Elijah built the altar, put wood upon it, cut the steer in pieces and laid it upon the altar. And then Elijah commanded the people of God to fill four barrels of water and pour it over the altar. He had them do this four times.

“Now, said the teacher, “can anyone in the class tell me why the Lord would have Elijah pour water over the steer on the altar?”

Little Johnny raised his hand with great enthusiasm. “To make the gravy,” came his enthusiastic reply.

USELESS FACTS

A British woman who suffered muscle spasms in her vocal chords was able to speak again for the first time in 14 years after getting Botox injected around her voice box.  ***Her husband is threatening to sue.

The latest trend among overbearing parents is to call job interviewers and demand to know why their kids weren’t hired.  ***Maybe because the parents were so overbearing that they were actually AT the interview?

FEATURED FUNNIES

COMMERCIAL REWARD

Author Unknown

At breakfast one day, I eagerly waited for John to comment on my first attempt at homemade cinnamon rolls.

After several minutes with no reaction, I asked, “If I baked these commercially, how much do you think I could get for one of them?”

Without looking up from his newspaper John replied, “About 10 years.”

IT MUST BE TRUE BECAUSE I HEARD IT ON THE RADIO!

DON’T EAT THAT CHOCOLATE!

Planning on giving chocolates to your sweetie? You might want to know what’s in that chocolate first.

Before you give someone chocolates for Valentine’s Day, consider that KTVT-TV in Dallas tested several brands, including a bargain box at Target, Whitman, Russell Stover, Hershey and even a $44 box of Godivas. All contained various foreign substances, including insect parts, clothing fibers and human hair. One contained metallic glitter, while the Godivas had clothing fibers, bug parts and cat hair. The good news: the lab said the pieces were all very tiny, it’s impossible to make any natural product completely clean, and our stomachs take care of microscopic contaminants like that. Also, they found no rodent hairs.

INSPIRATIONAL INSPIRATION

The church in the wilderness modeled the biblical pattern of oversight. Leaders of tens, fifties, hundreds, and thousands were selected to care for the basic needs of the people and to settle their disputes. As a result, Moses had to review only the most difficult cases and policies. His primary job was to commune with God and to teach the Word.
The apostles discovered this principle in the selection of deacons, which freed them to use their time “in prayer and preaching and teaching the word” (Acts 6:4). The early church not only met daily in the temple but also gathered “in homes for the Lord’s Supper, and shared their meals with great joy and generosity (Acts 2:46). Apostles, deacons, and church members all helped carry the load of the growing congregation.
Burned-out pastors and leaders are a testimony to the huge toll of counseling, visiting, and arbitrating required in the church today. In actuality, the pastor is not called to do all ministry, but he is “to equip God’s people to do his work and build up the church” (Ephesians 4:12). Pastors, bring them in, build them up, release their gifts, and send them out. In this way, you will be able to endure as Moses did.

By Larry Stockstill

DRIVE TIME DEVOTIONAL

GARBAGE MARY

By Mart De Haan

Lay aside all filthiness and overflow of wickedness, and receive with meekness the implanted Word. – James 1:21

She dressed in rags, lived in a tenement house amid mounds of garbage, and spent much of her time rummaging through trash cans. The local newspaper picked up her story after the woman who was known in her neighborhood as “Garbage Mary” had been admitted to a psychiatric hospital. Astonishingly, in her filthy apartment police found stock certificates and bankbooks indicating she was worth at least a million dollars.

This woman’s condition was heartbreaking. But from God’s point of view there are even more tragic examples of “wealthy” people who subsist on “garbage.” If Christians are controlled by lust, hate, envy, pride, impatience, or bitterness, they’re actually choosing to live off the refuse of the world.

This might be understandable if they had no resources to draw from. You’d expect that kind of behavior from people without faith in Christ. But that’s not the case for believers. We have the Word of truth and the help of the Holy Spirit. We have no excuse for groveling in the dirt of sin when the power of God is at our disposal.

Father, forgive us for eating “garbage” when You’ve prepared a banquet for us. Help us to “lay aside all filthiness” (James 1:21) and to feast on Your goodness.

Choose not the lowly paths of sin
When lofty heights before you rise;
God freely gives the power to win
The victor’s crown, the heavenly prize. —D. De Haan

One taste of God’s grace can make us lose our hunger for the world.

LEFTOVERS

NEW RECIPE!

A Malaysian man has been arrested after allegedly boiling food and dirty underwear in the same pot! (Ewww.)

Health officials were about to search the food stand when the man allegedly pulled the underwear out of the cooking pot and threw it into the river. Some stand owners are said to think putting dirty underwear in their cooking pots attracts customers. The clothing was carried away by the river and could not be retrieved. A spokesman for a local health office says the man will be charged with obstructing enforcement officers. The offence carries a maximum of two years in jail. The spokesman said: “This method of using dirty underwear, which is believed to increase demand for food, is an untrue belief and must be stopped.” ***MARLAR: How did anyone think this was ever a GOOD idea?!?  “Let’s see… I’ve got a hamburger, fries, soft drink… hmm… all we need now is dirty underwear and we’ll have the perfect picnic!”

LIFE… LIVE IT

CELEBRATION OF LOVE WEEK (FEBRUARY 11-17)

A professor at Bowling Green State University has done a number of studies on romantic behavior. He asked adults between the ages of 18 and 79 what the most romantic behavior is, and here’s the top ten:

  • The kiss

  • Flowers (giving and receiving)

  • Dinner (out; making dinner for/with me; candlelight, wine, music, no kids)

  • Talking

  • Holding hands

  • The Hug (in bed after the alarm goes off; unexpected)

  • Sharing outdoor leisure activities (picnics, beach, ice skating, moonlight swim or drive, fishing, walk in the park)

  • Gifts (expensive; diamonds; jewelry; candy; unexpected or surprise gifts)

  • Walking (in the evening; at night; in the rain; in the moonlight)

  • Touching (hand on knee; pat on shoulder or hand; head in lap or sitting on lap; playing with hair, etc.)

JUST FOR FUN

SMOKE FREE ENVIRONMENT

It’s happened in one city… if you smoke you can’t work for the city of Temple Terrace, Florida! Will it come to our town? 

Temple Terrace, Florida has adopted a policy of not hiring any city employees who smoke. Furthermore, if you’re now working there, you had better quit, or look for another job. If you smoke, you likely feel that this hiring policy is unfair… maybe even illegal! But the city of Temple Terrace obviously doesn’t agree with you. It’s all about a healthier and more productive work force, and reducing the cost of health insurance coverage. Smokers take more sick days. Smokers are ill more often. Smokers take too many breaks from work. Smokers drive up your health insurance costs. ***MARLAR: Personally, I love this idea, Because of smokers, the rest of us are stuck paying more for insurance. Also, we’re stuck doing their work when they take those sick days. You want to work here? Kick that absurd addiction!

FUN LIST

VALENTINE NO-NOS.

There’s a lot of advice going around about what you SHOULD give your sweetie for Valentine’s Day. But equally important is what NOT to give her. Here’s a few examples. Do NOT give her:

  • A box of chocolates, clumsily rearranged in an attempt to hide the fact you ate all the caramel ones.

  • Any clothing item with the words “push-up” or “slim-down” on the label.

  • Any food item with the words “diet”, “light”, or “high fiber” on the label.

  • Any video starring Sylvester Stallone, Vin Diesel or Jim Carrey.

  • Flowers from a hospital’s gift shop — or worse, a mortuary’s.

  • Anything you ever gave another woman, including your mother.

  • Anything you could pick up at a hardware store.

  • Anything you could have bought at the gas station mini-mart on the way over, even if you didn’t.

  • A Hickory Farms cheese ball

  • A catchers mitt

  • Nose hair trimmers

  • Overalls

  • Jewelry that comes in a plastic bubble from a supermarket

  • Frozen tater tots

  • Anything from a drug store

  • A chilled bottle of Mop and Glow

  • Anything that says “one size fits all”

  • A toilet brush

  • Leftover Halloween candy

  • A Valentine balloon on a broken stick

  • An extension cord with a bow on it

  • A “Star Trek” calendar

  • An apologetic look and the words, “That was today?”

MORE SHOW PREP STUFF…

DRIVING MISS DAISY

What kind of driving persona do you have? Mean Maureen? Terry the Tailgater? Arrogant Andy? Steve the Speedaholic? Daphne the Ditherer? According to one company, everyone falls into at least one of those personas!

According to Petrol Company, JET, when you get behind the wheel you automatically fit into one of the following personality patterns. Are you:

  • “Mean Maureen” – tight-lipped, avoiding eye contact and absolutely refuse to let anyone else in.

  • “Terry the Tailgater” – sits on your tail and tries to intimidate you to get out of the way.

  • “Arrogant Andy” – a queue jumper who zips up the outside or uses the hard shoulder, to push in at the last minute.

  • “Steve the Speedaholic” – the person whose own ego will not let him slow down.

  • “Daphne the Ditherer” – crawls along at a snail’s pace, failing to signal clearly and stop-starting at every junction and roundabout.

OTHER STUFF I WANT TO CRAM INTO TODAY’S PREP

(Not posted on weekends and U.S. holidays.)

A blind man with a fear of dogs has been given the UK’s first guide horse. Mohammed Salim Patel, a 23-year-old BBC journalist, was introduced to his new companion Digby on Monday. Digby, a two-foot-tall American Miniature horse, will help Mr Patel with daily tasks and household chores – just like a guide dog.
http://metro.co.uk/2018/02/06/blind-man-fear-dogs-get-helpful-small-guide-horse-7291962/?ito=cbshare

More than four months after Hurricane Maria ravaged Puerto Rico, 15-year-old Salvador Gomez Colon is still helping the island residents to see a little better. Since the hurricane, Gomez Colon has raised more than $125,000 and has donated 1,400 solar lamps to some 840 households. He has another 1,600 lamps that he hopes to distribute soon. With the help of his family, friends and other volunteers, Gomez Colon started distributing the solar lamps last November through his initiative C+Feel = Hope.
http://money.cnn.com/2018/02/01/news/economy/puerto-rico-teen-solar-lamps-power/index.html

In the market for a new job? You might want to apply with Hostess, the maker of those iconic yellow cakes and other classic snacks. They announced this week that they’ll also be treating employees to free Hostess goodies for a year. Every week for the next year, each Hostess bakery location will select a “product of the week” and give a multi-pack of that item to its more than 1,000 hourly bakery and corporate employees.
http://on.today.com/2BIRJf0

Move aside, Rogaine: McDonald’s fries could actually hold the key to curing hair loss. A new study published in the journal Biomaterials says a chemical used to make McDonald’s beloved fries can help stimulate hair growth. Scientists in Japan found that dimethylpolysiloxane was a key in producing mass amounts of hair follicle germs during a study on mice. According to Inc, Mickey D’s uses the chemical to reduce oil splatter when making their fried foods, cooking their foods in a mixture of vegetable oil, citric acid, and dimethylpolysiloxane.
http://peoplem.ag/Ela31sw

Your gender may determine just how you go about snacking on certain foods. According to the CEO of one of the world’s largest food companies, Men and women often have different snacking habits. Indra Nooyi, the CEO of PepsiCo, the parent company of snack brands like Lays, Cheetos, Doritos, Ruffles and Fritos, went on to say that PepsiCo is looking into how snacks can be tailored, marketed and packaged differently for women. She said that PepsiCo is looking into products for women that have a “low-crunch” while still maintaining a “full taste profile,” without leaving a lot of flavor residue on the fingers — as well as packaging that’s handbag friendly.
http://on.today.com/2E6PGio

SOUL-GLO

(Feel-good stories! Only posted as new stories come available. Not posted on weekends and U.S. holidays.)

Briana DiGiorgio filmed a video while waiting for a red light to change that went viral on Facebook with over 800,000 views. Briana sat in the passenger seat of her best friend’s car after a day of shopping when she noticed the car in front of her pulling off to the side. A man wearing a navy coat got out of the car and walked straight toward a homeless man. It was barely 31 degrees that day. Briana watched as the man started talking to the homeless stranger. Then, to her shock, the man pulled off his coat and helped the homeless stranger into it!
https://fb.me/1pDWFjUeJ

TOTALLY OUTRAGEOUS!

(Only posted as stories come available. Not posted on weekends and U.S. holidays.)

As we get closer to the unofficial day of romance, a law firm in Arkansas is giving people a chance to split up. Wilson & Haubert, PLLC in North Little Rock is giving married couples in their area the chance to wish one another luck on their future endeavors. The law firm wrote on social media: “In honor of Valentine’s Day, we are giving one lucky winner A FREE DIVORCE! Are you ready to call it quits? Do you know someone that is? Here’s how to enter our Valentine’s Day Divorce giveaway.” The law firm says the prize is valued at $985.

AND I LEAVE YOU WITH THIS THOUGHT

Fashions for today’s show by Frederick’s of Fort Bragg, where this week only you can save 50% on black nylon fatigues.

THE TICKET Movie Reviews with MARIE ASNER

Marie Asner has been reviewing films for over 35 years. Her outlets include radio, print and Internet. For more in-depth movie reviews of the following films, visit www.Tollbooth.org. Ratings from 1 (Low) to 5 (High).

FEBRUARY 09, 2018…

50 Shades Freed—A continuation of the book series of exotic love, Dakota Johnson and Jamie Doman reprise their roles as lovers and now hope to have a serene future away from the bad guys. Guess again. Also in the cast are Luke Grimes, Ariel Gebbel and Kim Basinger. “50 Shades Freed” is rated a strong R. Adult film. No rating.

Peter Rabbit —A live action animated film about everyone’s favorite rabbit (except the Energizer one). Peter Rabbit first came to the forefront in 1902 and is a creation of Beatrix Potter. Five books followed the first. This little rascal loves to get away from the family and go on his own—trouble ahead, as usual. The story centers around Peter (voice of James Corden) and a relative of Farmer McGregor (voice of Domhnall Gleason)  They each want to be friends with a new neighbor (voice of Rose Byrne) who is an animal lover. The McGregor’s are known to be un-rabbit-friendly. Other voices you will recognize are Daisy Ridley (“Star Wars”) as Cottontail and Margot Robbie (“I, Tonya”) as Flopsy, who are both sisters of Peter Rabbit. Sam Neill is there, also, as the older Farmer McGregor. A word to the wise, rabbits are cute animals and if you are thinking of one as a possible Easter pet, be prepared with information from your local animal doctor. This  “Peter Rabbit” is rated PG for crude humor. No rating.

Monster Family
—Another animated film opening this week and this one is about a mother and daughter who go out together and accidentally become cursed by a witch. They don’t look the same anymore! Voices of Emily Watson, Jason Isaacs and Nick Frost. “Monster Family” is rated PG for crude humor. Families be aware. No rating.

FEBRUARY 16, 2018…

Black Panther has Chadwick Boseman as the Marvel comics character who rules his African country but has a second identity.

Early Man is an animated movie about trying to save your people from the upcoming Bronze Age. Voices of Tom Hiddleston and Eddie Redmayne.

Samson is a Biblical drama from the Old Testament and the conflict between Hebrew and Philistine. Stars Jason Rathbone.

# # # # #

WARNING: Don’t believe anything you read on the Internet or email (including stuff you read here) unless you can confirm it with another source, and/or it is consistent with what you already know to be true. The opinions in this publication are not necessarily those of Darren Marlar, Marlar House Productions, or any company or organization affiliated with aforementioned. (Regardless of how stupid you may think those opinions are. So there – nyah!)

Darren Marlar credits all non-original material to the author whenever possible. All other material is original, used with permission, or author unknown. We welcome all comments, questions, and suggestions. Darren can be reached via his website at www.DarrenMarlar.com.