February 13, 2017: Monday ONAIRprep

PRINT VERSION OF TODAY’S PREP: 20170213

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WELCOME TO THE SHOW!

Welcome to (THE JOCK SHOW) – some assimilation required. Resistance is futile.

I hate when I’m singing along to a song and someone corrects me. I’m like, “Dude – I was free styling!”

I’ve been thinking on the biblical truth that when I get to Heaven I will have work to do. Honestly, I’m kinda glad for that. Sitting around watching Netflix while eating Cheetos would get really boring after a millennium or two.

Does Nair work on cats?

BIBLE VERSE OF THE DAY

“Love is patient, love is kind and is not jealous; love does not brag and is not arrogant.” –1 Corinthians 13:4

We ought always to thank God for you, brothers, and rightly so, because your faith is growing more and more, and the love every one of you has for each other is increasing. — 2 Thessalonians 1:3

HEARTLIGHT DAILY VERSE, PRAYER & THOUGHT

(From VerseOfTheDay.com.)

Many are the plans in a man’s heart, but it is the LORD’s purpose that prevails. — Proverbs 19:21

Thought: “What are your plans for today?” If you are like me, you prayerfully try to plan your day. You make appointments with people in the future so you can address their needs, hear their concerns, or discuss issues and projects. But, we need to always live humbly, recognizing that none of our plans will be of value unless those plans come from the Father!

Prayer: Holy God and righteous Father, please bless me as I seek to discern your will in my decisions today. I recognize that each breath that I take is a gift and that each success is because of your grace. Please use me to your glory and help me find your path for my life. In the name of Jesus I pray. Amen.

The Thoughts and Prayers for Today’s Verse are written by Phil Ware. You can email questions or comments to phil@heartlight.org.

BIRTHDAY VERSE” OF THE DAY (The chapter and verse correspond to the month and day!)

Philippians 2:13 NIV = for it is God who works in you to will and to act according to his good purpose.

TODAY IS MONDAY – FEBRUARY 13, 2017

(NOTE: Some holidays may be duplicated due to various calendars reporting conflicting dates)
WEIRD, WACKY, STRANGE, ZANY, ODD, BIZARRE, QUIRKY, UNUSUAL HOLIDAYS!
THERE ARE ONLY
314 SHOPPING DAYS UNTIL CHRISTMAS.

This is INTERNATIONAL FLIRTING WEEK.  ** I’d think they’d have placed this on the agenda LAST week, allowing you to have an entire week of flirting in order to help you FIND a Valentine.

Today is NATIONAL SUCK IN YOUR GUT DAY.  ***I gave that up the instant I said, “I do.”

Today is GET A DIFFERENT NAME DAY.  ***Just for today though – we don’t want you out there living life as “Apple”, “Scout” or “Moon Unit.”

Today is GUYS, DON’T FORGET TOMORROW IS VALENTINE’S DAY DAY.  ***Actually it’s called “Dream of Your Sweetheart Day” – but I thought reminding guys about tomorrow being Valentine’s Day would be a better public service.

TODAY IS ALSO…
Clean Out Your Computer Day Link
Desperation Day Link
Employee Legal Awareness Day
Galentine’s Day Link
Get a Different Name Day
International Condom Day Link
Madly In Love With Me Day
National Wingman’s Day
World Radio Day Link

COMING UP NEXT (Just a list, we are not endorsing the holidays posted below.)

TUESDAY, FEBRUARY 14

Extraterrestrial Culture Day
Extraterrestrial Visitor Day
Ferris Wheel Day
International Book Giving Day Link
Frederick Douglass Day Link
Pet Theft Awareness Day  Link
Library Lovers Day
National Have A Heart Day
National Donor Day
(World) Congenital Heart Defect Awareness Day Link
League of Women Voters Day
National Women’s Heart Day Link
Race Relations Day
Safer Internet Day  Link
Singles Awareness Day or Singles Appreciation Day Link
National Donor Day
Quirky Alone Day Link
Valentines Day

WEDNESDAY, FEBRUARY 15

Angelman Syndrome Day Link
Lupercalia
National Gum Drop Day Link
National Hippo Day Link
Random Acts of Kindness Day Link
Remember The Maine Day
Susan B. Anthony Day
Westminster Dog Show  Link

THURSDAY, FEBRUARY 16

Kyoto Protocol Day Link
National Almond Day  Link

FRIDAY, FEBRUARY 17

Champion Crab Races Day Link
My Way Day
National PTA Founders Day Link
World Information Architecture Day Link  Link
World Human Spirit Day

SATURDAY, FEBRUARY 18

Battery Day (Volta’s birthday)
Cow Milked While Flying In An Airplane Day
Eat Ice Cream for Breakfast Day Link
National Drink Wine Day Link
National Hate Florida Day: 18 Link
Pluto  Day (Discovered by Clyde Tombaugh)
World Whale Day Link

SUNDAY, FEBRUARY 19

Best Friends Day Link  (SpongeBob Squarepants)
Chocolate Mint Day Link
Introduce A Girl to Engineering Day
National Lashes Day Link
Iwo Jima Day (Landing)

MONDAY, FEBRUARY 20

Bean Day  Link
Love Your Pet Day Link Link
Northern Hemisphere Hoodie Hoo Day
Presidents Day
World Day for Social Justice

ON THIS DAY

1795: The University of North Carolina became the first U.S. state university to admit students. Hinton James was the only student on campus the first two weeks.

1937: The NFL Boston Redskins moved to Washington, D.C.

1959: Mattel toy partner Ruth Handler gave birth to an 11-inch teenager named Barbie, the first doll with developed breasts. Mattel sells over 20-million Barbies a year.

1965: 16-year-old Peggy Fleming won the U.S. Ladies Senior Figure Skating Title at Lake Placid, New York.

1967: The Beatles released “Penny Lane” and “Strawberry Fields Forever” in the U.S.

1972: The musical Grease, starring Barry Boswick and Adrienne Barbeau opened on Broadway. It became one of Broadway’s longest-running shows. (audio clip)

1983: Singer Karen Carpenter died at 32 of anorexia.

1988: Singer Michael Jackson bought a ranch in Santa Ynez, California. He named it “Neverland.”

1990: TV talk show host Geraldo Rivera said he would become more socially relevant and investigative, that “the nuts and sluts” would be on other people’s programs.

2000: The last original Sunday “Peanuts” comic strip appeared in newspapers. Peanuts creator, artist Charles M. Schulz, had died the day before.

2002: A man in New Jersey who allegedly stole dozens of lottery tickets was arrested trying to cash a winning $12.50 ticket. Stolen ticket serial numbers had been circulated, and a store’s alert cashier had the suspect fill out a claim form with his name and address. Police arrested the 39-year-old suspect at his home.

2003: Dan Price completed a 4,000-mile cross-country tricycle ride from his home in Joseph, Oregon, to Key West, Florida, to make people aware of the benefits of environmentally-friendly travel. He averaged 50 to 60 miles a day, carried a compact tent, and camped out at night.

2003: Clara Harris, who’d run down her husband with her Mercedes after catching him with his mistress, was convicted by a Houston jury of murder despite her claim that she’d hit him accidentally while in a daze. She was sentenced to 20 years in prison.

2005: Ray Charles’ final album, “Genius Loves Company,” won eight Grammy awards.

TODAY IN CHRISTIAN HISTORY

1633: Called to trial by the Inquisition, Italian astronomer Galileo Galilei arrives in Rome ready to explain his belief that the earth revolves around the sun. He was compelled to recant the view, and was placed under house arrest until his death in.

1826: The American Temperance Society (later renamed the American Temperance Union) is founded in Boston to promote total (but voluntary) abstinence from distilled liquor. Among the 16 founders were Protestant clergymen.

1728: Death of Cotton Mather, influential New England divine.

1793: Death of Christian F. Schwartz, “Apostle of India” in India.

1926: Mexico deports foreign monks and nuns in its ongoing efforts to weaken the church.

1974: Solzhenitsyn is expelled from the Soviet Union. His novels attempt to depict Soviet conditions realistically and his non-fiction work Gulag Archipelago exposes the horrors of the Soviet prison system.

HOLLYWOOD AND CELEBRITY FIGURE BIRTHDAYS

  • actress (“CSI:NY,” X-Men 2) Kelly Hu 49

  • talker (“The Jerry Springer Show”) Jerry Springer 73

  • actress (Grease, “The West Wing”) Stockard Channing is 73 (audio clip)

  • Musical Monkee Peter Tork 75 (audio clip)

  • actor (The Naked Truth, “Just Shoot Me,” Who’s Afraid of Virginia Wolf, Carbon Copy) George Segal 83

  • actress (Vertigo, “Falcon Crest”) Kim Novak 84

BEE-BOP BIRTHDAYS

(Music Artist Birthdays From SongFacts.com)

1900 : Wingy Manone

1919 : Tennessee Ernie Ford

1920 : Boudleaux Bryant

1920 : Eileen Farrell

1925 : Gene Ames (The Ames Brothers)

1927 : Jim McReynolds (Jim and Jesse)

1930 : Dorothy McGuire (The McGuire Sisters)

1942 : Peter Tork (The Monkees)

1944 : Rebop Kwaku Baah (Traffic, Wings)

1944 : Stockard Channing

1945 : King Floyd

1945 : Roy Dyke (Ashton, Gardner & Dyke)

1950 : Peter Gabriel

1951 : David Naughton

1952 : Ed Gagliardi (Foreigner)

1956 : Peter Hook (New Order)

1961 : Henry Rollins (Black Flag)

1961 : Les Warner (The Cult)

1966 : Freedom Williams (C and C Music Factory)

1974 : Robbie Williams

SECRETS OF THE UNIVERSE

WHAT WAS THE INSPIRATION FOR PAC-MAN?

The hero for the game of Pac-Man was “born” from gazing at a pizza with one slice missing, as Toru Iwatani, Namco in Japan, tried to think of a character for his new game. He looked down at the pizza, then it dawned on him–a circle with a wedge missing for a mouth–and so, Pac-Man was born. The Japanese have a slang word–paku paku–they use to describe the motion of the mouth opening and closing while one eats. The name “Pac-Man” came from that word. The American rights were to go to Atari originally, but they turned them down, saying the game was too easy.

CHRISTIAN ARTIST NEWS

This is just a tiny sample of the 5-6 pages of material you could be receiving three days a week from ChristianRadioShowPrepServices.com!

Kerrie Roberts couldn’t resist celebrating a milestone this week. She posted: I’m not one to over post about my daughter, but she took her first steps tonight! It’s emotional. I so love how the simple things are filled with such wonder all over again.  
http://fb.me/8yfW7See1

Hawk Nelson Front man Jon Steingard embarked on what he described as the wildest adventure of his life this week. However, Jon said he was prepared. He posted: Remembered to pack underwear so I’m pretty much unstoppable.

Advice from Moriah Peters: Life often asks us to make difficult decisions. I’ve never regretted doing what scares me most. Don’t give up, take the risk & be brave today

Ellie Holcomb’s four-year-old is wise beyond her years. When Ellie asked her: What do you want for lunch? she replied: Desserts!

A reminder from We Are Messengers: How can we do anything but smile when we think of what God has done for us? Thank you Jesus.
 https://www.instagram.com/p/BQN2fA8BVeX/

NEWS KICKERS

(No news on the weekends. Want a customized audio version, FREE? Email me for more information! )

NEW NEWS KICKERS…

President Trump says he’s given up eating McDonald’s and KFC.  *** Hashtag “alternative facts”.

Over in France, a husband is suing Uber which he blames for his pending divorce. It seems the guy was cheating and booked an Uber ride to meet his lover. He used his wife’s phone to book the ride but says he logged in and out of his own account to do so. However, a glitch in the app caused her to keep receiving notifications whenever he used the service, arousing her suspicions that he was having an affair and leading her to file for divorce. So he’s suing Uber for $45 million!  ***Ah yes, it’s UBER’S fault… not the fault of your pants not being able to stay zipped.  Riiiiight.

Domino’s has launched a wedding registry, so couples can register their love for pizza.  ***Be looking for it at a trailer park near you.

You’ve surely heard the story by now: Nordstrom announces it is dropping Ivanka Trump’s clothing line due to poor sales so President Trump then takes to Twitter to blast the high-end retail giant. Then something unexpected happens – Nordstrom’s stock soars! Yep, after very briefly dipping, Nordstrom’s stock rebounded in a big way. It was up nearly 5% by the end of the day – a day when the rest of the market was essentially flat. ***So how can I get Donald Trump to send out an angry tweet about my show?  I could use the positive publicity!

Russian President Vladimir Putin has ordered his nation’s air force to prepare for a “time of war.”  ***Not to worry though, because President Trump has the whole Nordstrom’s situation well in hand.

Ashley Judd and Madonna are promoting the idea of a “Day Without Women,” where all women would stay at home and make the world go on without them.  ***If that means a day without Ashley Judd and Madonna, I whole-heartedly support it.

NEWS KICKER EVERGREENS…

A surprising study seems to indicate that driving while using a hands-free cell phone may not be any safer than driving with a typical hand-held phone!  A comprehensive study on distracted driving has found there is no conclusive evidence that hands-free cell phone use while driving is any less risky than hand-held cell phone use.   Also, there is no evidence that cell phone or texting bans have reduced crashes. The findings come after nine states have imposed bans on hand-held cell phone use while driving, and 34 states have imposed texting bans for drivers behind the wheel. Despite the findings, The Governors Highway Safety Association does not recommend that restrictions on cell phone use or texting be lifted in any of the states where they presently exist.  ***Well, of course not.  That’d be like looking at the books and realizing murders are on the increase – with your solution being to simply make murder legal.  (Problem solved!)

More than a quarter of Americans have not cracked open a book—either print or digital—in the past year and the number is on the rise. The figure has risen to 28% as compared to 21% just four years ago. However, the survey of nearly 2,000 people by Pew Research also found Americans overall are still fairly well-read, averaging 12 books per year, or a book per month.  ***I’m certainly well-read.  I’ve probably covered every drive-thru menu board in town at least three times.

High levels of the stress hormone cortisol in hair may be a strong predictor of heart attacks months in advance, say Canadian researchers.  Issues such as jobs, marital, or financial problems are linked to an increased risk for developing cardiovascular disease, including heart attacks, and it can be shown through the levels of cortisol in your hair.  ***Well, of COURSE you’re more susceptible to a heart attack… you’re working so hard even your hair is stressed!

Ladies, if you’re looking for a man that’s not afraid to do a little housework, marry a teacher. A study found that guys who work in fields typically dominated by females do 25% more housework compared to men who work in male-dominated jobs.  ***So if you really want to increase your odds of getting a man who will do housework, find a guy who is looking for a sugar-daddy.

Researchers are working on a thermal imager that one day might be used to detect liars at a government checkpoint.  The research arm of the Defense Intelligence Agency has been working since 2000 on a camera that measures minute changes in facial skin temperature. Those fluctuations — involuntary and undetectable even to the owner of the face — indicate a stress response.  Researcher Troy Brown says that might signal untruths.  The DIA is deeply interested in deciphering deception in job candidates applying for positions with access to classified information and in prisoners captured on the battlefield undergoing interrogation.  So far, the only way the government can get an inkling that someone may be less than truthful is a polygraph, the so-called lie detector test.  ***Washington D.C. politicians are working quickly to draft legislation to keep the technology away from government buildings.

AS THE JUNGLE TURNS

CLICK HERE TO DOWNLOAD MONDAY’S EPISODE

OPEN: And now, FancyMonkey.com, (Show Name), and (Station Call Letters) bring you As the Jungle Turns! When last we left the jungle, Racquet the Skunk was in a tizzy over losing all of his crayons – especially after promising the Rabbit family that he’d do their portrait. Unfortunately, his friends didn’t seem all that concerned about looking for lost crayons. Everything else was taking priority, like swimming, naps, snacks, and fort building!

CLOSE: Racquet is stuck in a deep dark scary jungle, and the animals are still more concerned about story time? This is getting really serious. Will Racquet be okay in the jungle all alone? Will the crayons ever be found? Will the animals ever stop thinking of themselves? Find out next time, as FancyMonkey.com, (Show Name), and (Station Call Letters) bring you another exciting episode of As the Jungle Turns!

***You may simulcast “As the Jungle Turns” on the Internet stream of your live broadcast only. Any other Internet use of “As the Jungle Turns” in whole or part including podcasting of your live broadcast is a violation of copyright law. Thank you for your cooperation on this vitally important issue. If you have any questions, please e-mail us and ask about “Jungle Jam & Friends the Radio Show” usage.

MOMENT OF DUH

When coffee and doughnuts aren’t enough, even cops can commit a Moment of Duh!

Ronald Dupuis, a police officer in Michigan, used a Taser stun gun to stop an argument over a soft drink.  The two suspects struggled over the steering wheel, and Officer Dupuis hit Prema Graham’s leg with his department-issued Taser gun. She wasn’t seriously hurt.  Sounds like a good collar, eh?  Well the problem (or the award-winning fact as the case is here) is that Prema Graham is also a police officer.  In fact, she is Officer Dupuis’ partner.  In fact, it was the two of them who were arguing about whether to stop and get a soft drink.   He wanted one, she didn’t, she was driving, he tried to taser her into a stop.  Dupuis was fired and could get up to 93 days in jail.

TOP TEN

TOP TEN REASONS FOR CELEBRATING VALENTINE’S DAY

10. Your wife no longer buys the excuse that Valentine’s Day is of Satan!

9. You forgot you wife’s birthday last month and things have been as cold inside the house as they are outside!

8. You’ve been waiting to use those X-men valentines you bought on sale last year!

7. You’ve been told that you should get “in touch” with your feelings.

6. Some people collect stamps, coins, Royal Doulton, but you–you collect cupids!

5. You’re looking at buying a new truck and you think a nice card and some flowers might “grease the wheels” with your wife.

4. It adds credibility to your heart-shaped tattoo that you got on that “unforgettable night of madness” some twenty years ago!

3. When your secretary comes in to give you the morning mail, she says, “Good Morning, Mr. Hallmark”!

2. Chocolates, chocolates, and more chocolates!

1. The Lord loves it when we love, romance, appreciate, and communicate without spouses in tangible ways. So Valentine’s Day should be just one of many ways we express our love throughout the year!

THE FILES OF LAW & DISORDER

While some people use t-shirts as a form of expression, one criminal decided to use a t-shirt for a disguise!

FILE #1: A clever idea is to wear a T-shirt that says Fort Worth Police so people won’t think you’re shoplifting. A stupid idea is to not make sure before you shoplift that the real Fort Worth Police Chief isn’t shopping at the store. Chief Ralph Mendoza knows his men, but didn’t recognize the guy in the T-shirt. Store employees notified the chief that he may be shoplifting and, sure enough, the suspect is now accused of shoplifting and falsely identifying himself as a police officer.

FILE #2: In Pompano Beach, Florida, Steve Cipriano was doing what he’d been doing for the last 15 years — driving a bus. And in 15 years he’s had to deal with a lot of sleepy, angry, drunk, drugged out people, but nothing like what happened to him Tuesday. An unidentified, irate passenger complained to Steve that he wasn’t going fast enough and would make him late for work. When the guy finally got off at his stop, he turned and gave Steve a burst of pepper spray in the face! Steve says, “I couldn’t breathe. I started coughing and went outside to get some air. Everyone else on the bus was coughing, too. The guy was walking away nonchalantly, then turned around and said something like ‘He’d get me next time.'” Fortunately the jerk was filmed on the bus security camera and police are on the lookout for him.

FILE #3: In Moline, Iowa, 17-year-old David Leib made a monumentally stupid move. David had outfitted his car with strobe lights and the red and blue lights which are used on emergency vehicles. And he decided to flash them in an attempt to pull over a couple on the Milan Beltway. Unfortunately, the people he tried to pull over were an off-duty Mercer County Sheriff’s deputy and his wife. Realizing something wasn’t quite right they called 911. A female officer from the Milan Police Department happened to be nearby and responded. She pulled over the car with the flashing lights and found young Dave behind the wheel. So what did David have to say when he was arrested? He just made the comment that it was a stupid idea. No argument here.

STRANGE LAW: It is illegal to kiss on a train in the state of Wisconsin. ***However, kissing the train itself is perfectly legal.

THIS IS YOUR BRAIN ON DRUGS

Today it’s not YOUR brain on drugs… it’s the cricket’s brain!

China has had a long standing fascination with crickets which has recently been exhibited in cricket beauty contests, cricket singing competitions and even cricket prize fighting. However, according to the Los Angeles Times the obsession has led to increasing vigilance about crickets cheating with performance-enhancing drugs. The doping allegations come from the singing cricket competitors as the drugs slow down the vibration of the cricket’s wings thus producing an attractively lower pitch. Oh… and prize crickets can go for as high as $10,000 a piece!

PHONER PHUN

According to the findings of a recently published study, a calculus equation can tell with 94% accuracy if you’ll be able to last in a marriage or not. That’s the word from professor Dr. John Gottman who claims he can tell if a relationship will last. He developed the formula after observing 700 couples over a period of 14 years, and claims he can apply the formula to any couple after just a 15-minute videotaped interview. So, if you could. . . would you take a test to determine whether or not you should marry someone? What if the test said you were not compatible? Would you get married to the person anyway?

BIBLE BRAIN BUSTER!

QUESTION: What were the names of the two bodies of water that the children of Israel crossed on dry ground?
ANSWER: The Red Sea and the Jordan River. Exodus 13:18

QUESTION IMPOSSIBLE

QUESTION: 4000 people live here in the summer only a thousand in the winter. Where is it?

ANSWER: Antarctica

TRUE OR FALSE

Pay attention! If our next player doesn’t answer all ten T/F questions correctly we start all over from question #1! First person to answer question #10 correctly is our winner!

VALENTINE’S TRUE OR FALSE

1. Commercial Valentine cards were first made in the early 1600’s. (False – the early 1800’s. Many of them were blank inside, with space for the sender to write a message.)

2. In 2004, Americans spent more than $3.6 billion on Valentine’s Day. (True)

3. The Hallmark Company produced its first Valentine in 1931. (False, 1913. Today, Hallmark offers over 1,330 different Valentine’s Day greeting cards.)

4. Yearly, close to 90 million Valentine’s cards are exchanged. (False – it’s ten times that amount! More than 900 million cards!)

5. Valentine’s Day is the biggest U.S. holiday for sending cards. (False, it is second only to Christmas for the number of cards sent.)

6. The Valentine’s Day massacre happened in Detroit in 1929. (False, it was in Chicago. Al Capone and his henchmen murdered seven members of the George “Bugs” Moran North Siders gang in a garage on North Clark Street. The incident forced police authorities to double their efforts in finding enough evidence to arrest the famous “godfather.”)

7. Red roses are the most popular flower to give on Valentine’s Day. (True. Although they may all look the same to the untrained eye, there are actually more than 900 varieties of dark-red and medium-red roses.)

8. The vast number of red roses sold on Valentine’s Day in the United States are imported from South America. (True – despite the fact that California produces 60 percent of American roses!)

9. The first photograph of a U.S. President was taken on February 14. (True – on February 14, 1849 by Matthew Brady in New York City. President James Polk was the subject of the famous picture.)

10. The first televised tour of the White House was aired on February 14. (True, in 1962. First Lady Jackie Kennedy hosted the tour.)

TABLOID MATCH GAME

You have to match the blank in the tabloid headline with the word or phrase that has been removed!

CLEVELAND ________ ERUPTS (VOLCANO)

CLEVELAND, OH –  The 5,676-foot-peak, located 40 miles outside Cleveland erupted this morning.

Satellite imagery of the 5,676-foot peak, located just south of Downtown, showed a bulging lava dome forming in the volcano’s summit crater, suggesting a buildup of gas pressure.

And this morning, it blew.

Even though the volcano is in a relatively uninhabited area (due to foreclosure, the eruption still has cause a big mess and inconvenienced a number of Cleveland natives.

Some 90 percent of commercial flights in and out of Cleveland were canceled today.

THE WAY TOO EARLY IN THE MORNING TO UNDERSTAND THE PUNCHLINE EVEN AFTER TWO CUPS OF COFFEE JOKE OF THE DAY 

JOKE #1

A young pupil asked, “Master, what is fate.”

“Ah, my son, it is what has brought great nations together. It has made the world a smaller place in which to live. It has inspired men of worth to work endless hours. It will someday enable men to span the universe and light years of travel will soon become mere seconds in time.”

“And that, my master, is fate?”

“Oh, fate! I thought you said freight.”

JOKE #2

A recruit in Navy boot camp at Great Lakes got on the wrong side of his Company Commander and was ordered to do push-ups.

As the recruit neared triple digits, an airliner flew overhead. “I bet you wish you were on that plane, don’tcha?” sneered the Company Commander.

“No, sir,” said the unlucky recruit. “Why wouldn’t you want to be on that plane?”

“Because,” the recruit grunted between grueling push-ups, “that plane’s landing. I want to be on one that’s leaving.”

JOKE #3

A salesman, tired of his job, gave it up to become a policeman.

Several months later, a friend asked him how he liked his new role.

“Well,” he replied, “the pay is good and the hours aren’t bad, but what I like best is that the customer is always wrong.”

USELESS FACTS

Men who eat a moderate amount of vegetables, especially green leafy vegetables such as broccoli and spinach, have a far lower risk of developing colon cancer, according to a new study from the National Cancer Institute in Bethesda, MD. ***Proving that marriage is saving my life.  Before getting married the closest thing to vegetables I’d eat was green Jell-O.

A survey finds that a quarter of all people who take a briefcase or something similar to work with them have got SOMETHING in it for self-defense. ***I carry Altoids because they are curiously strong.

FEATURED FUNNIES

I DO OR I WILL

A man is sitting on his front stoop staring at the ground when his neighbor strolls over.

The neighbor tries to start a conversation several times, but the older man barely responds. Finally, the neighbor asks what the problem is.

“Well,” the man says, “I ran afoul of one of those questions women ask. Now I’m in the doghouse.”

“What kind of question?” the neighbor asks.

“My wife asked me if I would still love her when she was old, fat and ugly.”

“That’s easy,” says the neighbor. “You just say, ‘Of course I will.'”

“Yeah,” says the other man, “that’s what I meant to say. But what came out was, ‘Of course I do.'”

IT MUST BE TRUE BECAUSE I HEARD IT ON THE RADIO!

VALENTINES HEADACHE

Guys, if you are looking for an excuse not to buy your wife certain things for Valentine’s Day, this will help a little!

A Migraine headache expert from New Jersey claims that Valentine’s Day staples, like dark chocolate and candles can actually trigger migraine headaches! Dr. Donnica Moore suggests that you might want make some substitutions in your plans, like white chocolate and light bulbs.

INSPIRATIONAL INSPIRATION

THE LIFE RAFT WE CANNOT SEE

David Pippenger

An injured man stranded in the wilderness finds help where he least expected it.

This is a true story…
Albeit, the short version.
A man found himself floating down the rapids in a river at the bottom of a canyon, miles from anywhere, in the middle of a wilderness area with his ankle broken in half.

Having been trained on how to get out of the rapids, he determined that he would get to the shore, and he did.
Not having been trained in what to do with a broken ankle in the bottom of a canyon…he determined that he would walk out of the canyon and up the steep, rocky path just as he had come down.
He did not.
You see, his ankle had the deciding vote, and it had decided that walking up a rocky slope was not in its best interest.
So, in an effort to appease the broken ankle, the man tried to walk using a crutch made from a tree.
Which was a brilliant idea…
If he had been walking on a smooth sidewalk going downhill for a short distance.
But he wasn’t.
He was next to a river at the bottom of a canyon, miles from anywhere, in the middle of a wilderness area with his ankle broken in half.
So he decided to think of every possible solution and to choose the best one.
From helicopters to climbing teams, he imagined every possible means to get out of the canyon that was miles from anywhere, in the middle of a wilderness area—with his ankle broken in half.
But while he was thinking, a raft came around the corner.
Which was interesting, because even though he had tried to think of every possible solution he had never thought of a raft.
But that wasn’t all.
Because in the raft was a Wilderness Emergency Medical Technician.
Which was particularly interesting, because the man with the broken ankle didn’t know there was such a thing as a Wilderness Emergency Medical Technician and he certainly didn’t expect one to be on a raft that he hadn’t even thought of.

Well, the Wilderness EMT made a splint with duct tape and branches from a tree and put the man in his raft, and later that night they camped at a beautiful spot on the river and ate chicken fajitas and strawberry shortcake.
Which was interesting, because the man with the broken ankle thought that he would be eating the dehydrated eggs that he had in his backpack.

Then he realized that a lot of things he hadn’t thought of and a lot of things that he had thought of had turned out in ways that he never thought out.
Which is why I am telling you this story.
I was the man with the broken ankle.
And that day next to the river at the bottom of a canyon, miles from anywhere in the middle of a wilderness area with my ankle broken in half…
I learned that I could not possible imagine all of the amazing things that were in store for me in my life.
Proust says that we shouldn’t look for new vistas, but instead look with fresh eyes.
He’s right.
No matter what life is throwing at us, there us a raft around the corner that we cannot see.
Don’t look for it; it cannot be seen.
Don’t predict when it will appear; it’s not on your timetable.
Don’t doubt that it exists, for doubts will cloud your eyes and cause you to give up before it arrives.
Don’t give up; give in.
Give in to the idea that positive events are in your future, even if you can’t see them.
Give in to the idea that positive events are in your future, even if you can’t imagine what they could possibly be.
There’s a raft around the corner.

DRIVE TIME DEVOTIONAL

Tomorrow is Valentine’s Day, but do you know the story behind the day?

Long before he became a saint, the guy whose name is attached to Valentine’s Day was a true friend of couples in love. His concern for getting men and women together cost him his life. Talk about dying for love!

Back in the third century, the Roman emperor Claudius issued one of his most bizarre edicts. He outlawed marriage for his army, saying that it destroyed the morale of his soldiers. He thought married men didn’t make good fighting men. Valentine, who was a bishop, decided to ignore the emperor’s rule and marry couples in secret anyway.

When Claudius found out about this, he called Valentine in for a chat. The ruler told the bishop that he would spare his life if he would stop marrying people, denounce his Christianity, and worship the Roman gods. Valentine refused, and Claudius had him killed.

Valentine’s story lived on. In 496, when the Pope needed to replace a pagan Roman festival, he pulled the Valentine tale out of history. He made Valentine the patron saint of a day that had been dominated by the Roman god Lupercus. Thus, Valentine’s Day was born.

Marriage hasn’t been outlawed in our day, but there are forces that are seeking to destroy its significance. That’s why we as Christians need to review the importance of marriage which God Himself ordained in Genesis 2.

As a young person who is living in a society that is debunking marriage by making it seem old-fashioned or too narrow or not important, you need to remind yourself that marriage is God’s planned place for sexual intimacy and for raising children.

How do you view marriage? Are you like Valentine, who gave his life to protect it? Or are you like Claudius, who thought it obsolete? Which view is closer to the way God would like you to view marriage?

LEFTOVERS

VALENTINES WORTH SENDING
by Michael Webb
If you are going to celebrate Valentine’s Day, I suggest you do it with a little forethought. I cringe every time I go to the grocery on February 13 or 14 and see dozens of men crowding around the greeting cards to buy one at the last possible moment. Buy your card now and mail it out to Loveland, Colorado for extra special treatment. Your card will be postmarked LOVEland, Colorado and it will also be hand-stamped with a unique four line poem. The Loveland Chamber of Commerce organizes this yearly romance project with cards going to all 50 states and over 100 foreign countries annually. It’s simple. Just enclose your pre-addressed, pre-stamped Valentine’s card in
a larger envelope and mail to:

Postmaster, Attn: Valentines, Loveland CO 80537.
Go ahead. Do it now.
Here are some more “romantic” cities.
# Kissimmee, Florida 32741
# Valentine, Texas 79854
# Valentine, Nebraska 69201
# Loving, New Mexico 88256
# Bridal Veil, Oregon 97010
# Romance, Arkansas 72136

LIFE… LIVE IT

PLANNING ON SENDING FLOWERS FOR VALENTINE’S DAY?

Want to know what different colored roses mean? Here’s an idea:

  • Red: Courage & Respect. The ultimate romantic way to say ‘I love you,’ also stands for courage & respect. A great color to send a military mom.

  • White: The color of innocence it also conveys the message, ‘You’re heavenly.’ It’s a great gift for a new love.

  • Red & White: Signifies unity; what a terrific surprise for a newlywed couple or your first Valentine’s together!

  • Pink: Grace & Sophistication Deep pink means gratefulness. Light pink conveys admiration. Make a statement to the one you’ve been eyeing!

  • Coral or Orange: Symbolizes enthusiasm and desire. It’s time to get off the fence and declare your love to your secret crush!

  • Pale Colors: Warmth & Friendship Send these to your gal pals or sisters who have been there through thick and thin.

And how many should you send?

  • A Dozen Roses: Stands for “there are dozens of ways I care about you.”

  • Two Dozen Roses: Stands for the 24 hours in a day, and tell your loved one you think about them every hour!

  • Three Dozen: Romantic attachment unlike any other. A truly exceptional surprise they’ll remember long after the flowers are gone!

  • Four Dozen Roses: Means unchanging and unconditional love. Sent to that one- and-only Valentine.

JUST FOR FUN

HERE WE GO AGAIN!
It appears Therese O’Dell just wasn’t meant to have a washing machine — a working one, anyway.

…The woman took a repair man hostage because her washing machine repeatedly kept breaking down, with little help from the store she bought it from. She held the repair man hostage for three hours until the store agreed to bring her a new one. They did. No charges were pressed. However, no sooner had the delivery man left, when the new replacement also went on the blink. Therese O’Dell is now on her third washing machine in the space of a week – after the store replaced her original machine, and then replaced the replacement!  ***MARLAR: I say we rename the washing machine store, “Suds and Duds!”

FUN LIST

THE LEAST ROMANTIC PLACES TO DINE FOR VALENTINES DAY

  • The “Corndog on a Stick” place in the mall

  • Bubba’s BBQ, Tire, and Lube

  • T.G.I. Monday’s

  • The Discount Dysentery Buffet

  • International House of Scabs

  • Slightly-Green Lobster

  • Chuck E. Toecheese

MORE SHOW PREP STUFF…

Do you multitask behind the wheel, such as reading and sending text messages, making phone calls or even eating a meal? We all know it’s dangerous to do those things – but HOW dangerous?

80% of all car crashes and 65% of near-crashes involve some form of driver inattention during the three seconds before the event, according to a study by the Virginia Tech Transportation Institute (VTTI) in Blacksburg, Virginia. U.S. News & World Report has identified the top five riskiest driving distractions:

  • Texting — Of all the distractions occupying a driver’s attention, this is the most dangerous. When you read or type a text message, you are 23.2 times more likely to crash than a non-distracted driver, according to the VTTI study. If you can’t stop yourself, the government will try. Eighteen states and the District of Columbia have already banned text messaging while driving, and a bill pending in Congress would make it illegal nationwide.

  • Dialing a Cell Phone — Taking your eyes off the road for just those few seconds it takes to dial your cell phone is enough to up your risk of a crash by 2.8 times. And if you dial a phone while driving a heavy vehicle or truck, that risk increases to 5.9 times. The VTTI study concludes, “These results show conclusively that a real key to significantly improving safety is keeping your eyes on the road.”

  • Dealing With Your Kids — Passengers of any age are always a distraction, but the risk increases when those passengers are rowdy or rambunctious children, who don’t understand how their behavior–from loud talking to arguing–can affect a driver. When kids misbehave in the car, parents naturally take their eyes off the road, and the result could be tragic.

  • Playing With the Controls — If you want to play that new CD or turn on the navigation system, set the controls before you pull out of your parking space, especially if you have a touchscreen that can only be operated if you look at it.

  • Eating — You wouldn’t think munching a burger or sipping a soft drink would be deadly distractions, but they are. Dashboard dining doubles your risk of a crash. Some foods are more dangerous than others, especially hot liquids and greasy or gooey foods since they are more likely to spill.

OTHER STUFF I WANT TO CRAM INTO TODAY’S PREP

Maybe those video games aren’t as bad for kids as we thought?  While it may seem that video games turn kids into mindless zombies, experts say that they can improve vision and focus. Gamers can better distinguish between shades of gray and make quicker decisions in a changing environment, which can help in killing video bad guys as well as driving on the Interstate. Says researcher Daphne Bavelier, “The ability to focus on one thing and ignore distractions is something, for example, which is important in the classroom.”

Boss running you ragged? Take your troubles to Phil O’Dendron. Research from Japan shows that after touching a houseplant for two minutes, men felt calmer and had reduced blood flow to brain regions activated during stress. Study author Kazuko Koga, Ph.D., says we are wired to constantly assess whether our surroundings are pleasant (calming) or unpleasant (stressful), with nature falling into the “Pleasant” column. The men touched devil’s ivy, but Koga says any plant with smooth, soft leaves, like a philodendron or peace lily, should work.

Weighing yourself daily can tip the scale in your favor. Just step on the bathroom scale each morning and keep track of your results. It’s a simple, cost-free strategy that not only can help you shed pounds, but also keep them off, according to researchers from Cornell University. And it works especially well for men. A study found that those who lost weight during the first year of a diet program were able to maintain the weight loss throughout the second year. This is important because studies show that about 40 percent of weight lost with any dietary treatment is regained in one year, and almost 100 percent of weight loss is regained at the end of five years.

The next time you buy groceries, talk to the cashier. Talking with a stranger — and in so doing socially connecting with that person — can improve your own sense of well-being, according to researchers from the University of Chicago. It’s long been conventional wisdom that we avoid talking to strangers because we think it will be a negative experience. Instead, the opposite appears to be true. Small talk with a stranger can spark happiness and make you feel more positive about your own life. So, the next time you buy a coffee, talk to the barista. The study findings were published in the Journal of Experimental Psychology.

Is your house making you fat?  We know ice cream, pizza and milkshakes can make us fat, but how can a house do that? It’s all in the floor plan, according to University of Notre Dame and Cornell University researchers. Open floor plans that remove visual and physical barriers between people and food may contribute to overeating. The opposite also holds true. People who live in homes with enclosed kitchens consume fewer calories. A study found that when folk ate in the open plan within view of the kitchen and buffet table, they were more likely to go back for seconds — and eat more food. On average, they made about 10 percent more serving trips in the open floor plan than the closed plan. And each time they got up to get more food they ate, on average, about 170 additional calories. An easy and painless way to reduce the number of calories you eat could be as simple as facing away from the serving area.

You feel awful. Your head is stuffy, you have a sore throat and you are shivering. Is it a cold or the flu? Should you take cold meds and power through or call in sick and go to bed? Peter Hibberd, M.D. told NewsMaxHealth.com that the best way to distinguish between a cold and the flu is by a rapid test your doctor can give in the office. However, clinical symptoms can help you figure it out before you call your physician. If it’s a cold… you’ll likely have nasal congestion, a minor sore throat, a dry cough and possibly a low-grade fever. The common cold typically comes and goes in about six days, and few of us suffer any complications. When you get a cold, you can usually go to work as this is a mild illness. If it’s the flu… you will experience a sudden onset of all-over body aches, a fever over 100 degrees Fahrenheit, cough, congestion, nausea, weakness, loss of appetite and even vomiting. Influenza is a serious illness — so serious that it is difficult to go to work because you are too ill and too weak.

How are you doing on your New Year’s resolution to lose weight?  Well, here’s a tip for you.  Monday through Friday are the most important days for your diet. Eating well during the week appears to be far more important than the occasional weekend splurge, according to Finnish and American researchers who examined how the seven-days-a-week human cycle impacts weight. The study participants weighed themselves before breakfast every day. Some did this for as little as two weeks, while others did it for nearly a year. Almost everyone loses weight during the week and gains weight on weekends. Those who were most likely to lose or maintain weight, weighed the most on Sunday evening and the least on Friday morning, while those who gained weight had no such clear pattern. Why? It’s simple. On weekdays, we tend to have a regimen — a kind of pattern and rhythm — for our meals and snacks, while on the weekends, our schedules are more open-ended, giving us more food and alcohol temptations.

This One Simple Trick Will Make Your Nail Polish Stay On Longer. Going over your nails with nail polish remover before you apply your first coat of polish helps it stick by removing all the natural oils from your nail beds. 
http://bit.ly/2kIPsUV

AND I LEAVE YOU WITH THIS THOUGHT

Whenever I feel blue, I start breathing again.

THE TICKET Movie Reviews with MARIE ASNER

Marie Asner has been reviewing films for over 35 years. Her outlets include radio, print and Internet. For more in-depth movie reviews of the following films, visit www.Tollbooth.org. Ratings from 1 (Low) to 5 (High).

FEBRUARY 10, 2017…

 

The Lego Batman Movie—It had to happen. Legos are so popular that now “Batman” has gotten into the craze and done a Lego movie.  What next? “Gone With The Wind” with Lego’s? Not out of the realm of possibility.  In this “Batman” film, he has to learn to work together with others (no longer the lone Caped Crusader”). Voices of Will Arnett, Michael Cera and Rosario Dawson. “The Lego Batman Movie” is rated PG. Rating of 2 for fans.

 

John Wick: Chapter Two—Who would have thought the character of John Wick would become popular, too.  Such is the case of this Keanu Reeves film in which he comes out of retirement to foil a secret plot. Aren’t they all. “John Wick: Chapter Two” is rated R. Rating of 2 for fans.

 

Fifty Shades Darker—The books were best sellers, but are the films continuing so? At least, another one has been made with the same characters starring Dakota Johnson and Jamie Dorman. In this episode, they have a new “arrangement?” Read between the lines. “Fifty Shades Darker” is rated R and is an adult movie. No rating.

 

FEBRUARY 17, 2017…

 

Fist Fight stars Ice Cube and Charlie Day as two teachers with a grudge.

 

Toni Erdmann is a foreign film in which the father disguises himself as a woman to spy on his teenage daughter

 

The Great Wall is an action film about China’s Great Wall and stars Matt Damon.

 

A Cure For Wellness is a thriller about a mysterious spa. Stars Dane DeHaan.

 

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WARNING: Don’t believe anything you read on the Internet or email (including stuff you read here) unless you can confirm it with another source, and/or it is consistent with what you already know to be true. The opinions in this publication are not necessarily those of Darren Marlar, Marlar House Entertainment, OnAirPrep.com, or any company or organization affiliated with aforementioned. (Regardless of how stupid you may think those opinions are. So there – nyah!)

Darren Marlar credits all non-original material to the author whenever possible. All other material is original, used with permission, or author unknown. We welcome all comments, questions, and suggestions. Darren can be reached via his website at www.DarrenMarlar.com.