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PRINTER FRIENDLY VERSION: 20160215
WELCOME TO THE SHOW!
Okay, so I was just informed by my Valentine that a vacuum sweeper is NOT considered a romantic gift. Well, that sucks.
As a big-time celebrity, I’ve asked all drug stores to knock the heart-shaped boxes of candy down at least 50% today. You’re welcome.
Due to a lack of serious preparation, 90% of today’s (JOCK SHOW) has been stolen from a preceding (JOCK SHOW) for improved presentation at this time.
I tried to login on my iPad, turns out it was an Etch-a-Sketch. And I don’t own an iPad. And I’m out of coffee.
You know you’re lazy when you get excited about cancelled plans.
Those people with cars as their profile pictures on Facebook… so, you’re a Transformer?
BIBLE VERSE OF THE DAY
“Your word I have treasured in my heart, that I may not sin against You.” –Psalms 119:11
A new command I give you: Love one another. As I have loved you , so you must love one another. By this all men will know that you are my disciples, if you love one another. — John 13:34-35
Simeon took him [Jesus] in his arms and praised God, saying: “Sovereign Lord, as you have promised, you now dismiss your servant in peace. For my eyes have seen your salvation, which you have prepared in the sight of all people, a light for revelation to the Gentiles and for glory to your people Israel.” — Luke 2:28-32
HEARTLIGHT DAILY VERSE, PRAYER & THOUGHT
Since they hated knowledge and did not choose to fear the LORD … they will eat the fruit of their ways and be filled with the fruit of their schemes. — Proverbs 1:29,31
Thought: Sometimes the natural consequence of rebellion is its own justice. Rebellion ultimately produces bad fruit, and wickedness is often its own worst punishment. In the face of such a generous God as we focused upon yesterday, how could we choose to follow any other path but his? It may seem harder in the short run, but in the long run there is simply no option that compares!
Prayer: Father of justice and mercy, thank you for saving me by your grace. Thank you for promising to judge the world with grace, mercy, and justice. In you, and you alone, do I find my sense of what is right and fair. I cry out to you, O God, for justice and deliverance for your people who are oppressed, ridiculed, and persecuted. In Jesus’ name. Amen.
“BIRTHDAY VERSE” OF THE DAY
The chapter and verse corresponds to the month and the day!
2 Timothy 2:15 NIV = Do your best to present yourself to God as one approved, a workman who does not need to be ashamed and who correctly handles the word of truth.
TODAY IS MONDAY – FEBRUARY 15, 2016
(NOTE: Some holidays may be duplicated due to various calendars reporting conflicting dates)
WEIRD, WACKY, STRANGE, ZANY, ODD, BIZARRE, QUIRKY, UNUSUAL HOLIDAYS!
THERE ARE ONLY 313 SHOPPING DAYS UNTIL CHRISTMAS.
Today is NATIONAL SEA MONKEY DAY. *** Now, in case you didn’t know, Sea Monkeys aren’t really monkeys at all, they’re actually brine shrimp. Not that information like that would make you want to adopt any Sea Monkeys anyway, but it might make for an interesting mental experience next time you stop by Red Lobster.
You’ve heard people tell you to stop and smell the roses, well today is STOP AND SMELL YOUR COMPOST PILE DAY. *** After that, most anything smells rosy.
Today is THANKS FOR A GREAT VALENTINE’S DAY DAY. *** Now this is something new. I guess today we’re supposed to fill out the “thank you” cards to send to your Valentine to thank them for giving you a great Valentine’s Day – assuming you had a great one. But c’mon, let’s face it, if someone sent you a Valentine, YOU HAD A GREAT VALENTINE’S DAY!
TODAY IS ALSO. . .
Clean Out Your Computer Day
National Gum Drop Day
Remember the Maine Day
Susan B. Anthony Day
COMING UP NEXT
TUESDAY, FEBRUARY 16
WEDNESDAY, FEBRUARY 17
Champion Crab Races Day
My Way Day
National PTA Founders Day
World Human Spirit Day
THURSDAY, FEBRUARY 18
Cow Milked While Flying In An Airplane Day
The Great American Spit Out
National Hate Florida Day
FRIDAY, FEBRUARY 19
Chocolate Mint Day
Iwo Jima Day
SATURDAY, FEBRUARY 20
Northern Hemisphere Hoodie Hoo Day
World Day for Social Justice
SUNDAY, FEBRUARY 21
International Mother Language Day
World Information Architecture Day
MONDAY, FEBRUARY 22
87th Academy Awards Ceremony
George Washington’s Birthday
ON THIS DAY
1564: Astronomer Galileo Galilei was born in Pisa, Italy.
1764: In Missouri, the city of St. Louis was established.
1927: The U.S. issued a patent (#1,661,036) for the Grapefruit Squirt Shield, a shell-shaped grapefruit holder that protected others at the table from being squirted.
1946: The Philadelphia Phillies signed 33-year-old Edith Houghton to a baseball scouting contract, the first female scout in the major leagues.
1951: The movie “Bedtime for Bonzo” premiered in Indianapolis. It starred Ronald Reagan as a monkey’s father.
1958: The “Dick Clark Show” debuted on ABC-TV in prime-time. Guests on the first show were Connie Francis, Jerry Lee Lewis, Johnnie Ray, Pat Boone, and Chuck Willis. The show lasted three seasons.
1965: Singer Nat “King” Cole died of cancer at age 45. His first band was called The Royal Dukes. He had 50 charted singles, including “Mona Lisa,” “When I Fall In Love,” and “Ramblin’ Rose.”
1969: Vickie Jones was arrested in Florida for impersonating Aretha Franklin during a paid concert. She was so convincing, no one asked for a refund.
1989: The Soviet Union announced that the last of its troops had left Afghanistan after more than nine years of military intervention.
1998: A two-ton elephant named Tonya escaped from a circus at the high school in Mentor, Ohio, and ambled a quarter mile with police in hot pursuit. She was captured a few minutes later at the Big Lots store. No one was injured.
1999: Governor Jesse Ventura proclaimed Rolling Stones Day in Minnesota, and congratulated 55-year-old Keith Richards for being “still alive.” Ventura once worked as a Rolling Stones bodyguard. (audio clip)
2001: A drummer in Kagel, Germany, was practicing so loudly in his bedroom that he did not notice burglars smash a downstairs window, empty the house of valuables, and drive off in his car.
2003: Millions of protesters around the world demonstrated against a possible U.S. attack against Iraq.
2004: Race driver Dale Earnhardt Jr. won the Daytona 500 on the same track where his father was killed three years earlier.
TODAY IN CHRISTIAN HISTORY
1386: Jagiello, king of the Lithuanians, is baptized. His conversion, the condition of an alliance with Poland, marks the end of established paganism in Europe.
1497: German scholar and reformer Philipp Melanchthon is born in Bretten, Baden. He and Luther were at times allies (he defended Luther against Johann van Eck and Emperor Charles V) and at other times enemies (Luther thrashed him for his views on the Sacraments, but apologized on his deathbed). Melanchthon’s argument for justification by faith alone, known as the Augsburg Confession, is now the basic statement of Lutheran doctrine.
1631: John Donne, the greatest love poet of the English language and dean of St. Paul’s Cathedral, preaches his last sermon titled “Death’s Duel.” “We celebrate our own funeral with cries, even at our birth,” preached the poet, who was seemingly obsessed with the subject for his entire life (32 of his 54 songs and sonnets are about death).
1727: Jonathan Edwards is ordained. His sober sermons had a powerful effect on his listeners.
1776: James Taylor converts to Christ on his wedding day, becomes the grandfather of Hudson Taylor.
1860: Wheaton College (formerly Illinois Institute), one of evangelicalism’s top institutions of higher education, is chartered in Illinois.
1905: Christian author Lew Wallace dies at age 77. Wallace famous Ben Hur (1880) conceived on a train ride while arguing about Christ’s divinity with famous agnostic Robert Ingersoll. It sold more than 300,000 copies in a decade, making him one of the best-selling religious authors of the 1800s.
1949: Official excavation begins on the first of the caves that contain Dead Sea scrolls.
1977: Ponsiano Lwakatale, an Ugandan pastor, is miraculously saved from death at the hands of an Ugandan chief who tries to kill him. The chief raised his spear. Christians prayed. The chief was unable to drive the spear through the pastor.
HOLLYWOOD, SPORTS AND CELEBRITY FIGURE BIRTHDAYS
- actress Sarah Wynter (TV’s “The Dead Zone” and “24”) 42
- actress (Gabrielle in TV’s “Xena: Warrior Princess” and “Hercules”) Renee O’Connor 44
- actress (“Dr. Quinn: Medicine Woman”) Jane Seymour 64
- actress (the original Clash of the Titans) Claire Bloom 84
(Music Artist Birthdays From SongFacts.com)
1905 : Harold Arlen
1918 : Hank Locklin
1939 : Alvin Cash
1941 : Brian Holland
1943 : Denny Zager (Zager and Evans)
1944 : Mick Avory (The Kinks)
1945 : John Helliwell (Supertramp)
1947 : David Brown (Santana)
1951 : Melissa Manchester
1959 : Ali Campbell (UB40)
1960 : Mikey Craig (Culture Club)
1976 : Brandon Boyd (Incubus)
SECRETS OF THE UNIVERSE
Where did the word “monsoon” come from?
The word ‘monsoon’ is derived from the Arabic word ‘mausim’, meaning season. It was first used by Arab sailors to describe the seasonal winds that blow across the Arabian Sea.
CHRISTIAN ARTIST NEWS
Do you like the Christian Artist News you see below? It’s just a tiny sample of the 5-6 pages of material you could be receive every weekday… and it’s FREE! Become one of their subscribers at ChristianRadioShowPrepServices.com!
Third Day’s Mac Powell is in Thailand on a mission to reduce the number of orphans worldwide. The front man for Third Day and his wife Aimee traveled this week to Bangkok for first Global Forum for a World Without Orphans. However, the trip wasn’t an easy one. Mac said they rode in a van or taxi for approximately 15 hour during a 3 day stretch and took 3 flights in 11 hours. It does sound like it was worth it. More than 500 people from 70 countries join Mac Powell for the conference. Mac and Aimee have already adopted children of their own.
The residents of Iowa spoke and Mercyme heard them. When tickets for their show on April 9th went on sale this week they sold out in one day. In response, Mercyme has added an extra show the day before, on April 8.
A question from Mercyme’s Bart Millard: Have you ever stepped out of your car directly onto a patch of ice forcing your body to unwillingly do the splits in order to save your coffee? And as you slowly roll onto your back, because that’s the only way your body can get out of the splits, you check to see if the neighbor saw you because you wouldn’t hear the end of it if he did? Bart said: Me neither.
Comedian Bob Smiley was disappointed to find out this week that no one wrote him in during the Presidential primary in New Hampshire. Bob asked: Where is the love?
Casting Crowns Bass player Chris Huffam was in the audience this week. He posted: Got to see my firstborn sing her first solo in her 3rd grade music program this morning. She sounded so good!
Kutless front man Jon Micah Sumrall is on a mission. He posted this week: I drew a late season archery elk tag this year and have been scouring the hills of Southern Oregon. I’ve seen some elk but haven’t gotten close enough to take a shot. Either way I’m enjoying being outdoors in the mountains!
Worship leader Christy Nockels was enjoying a snow day this week. She posted: it’s like time stands still. A gift to pause and remember that He is otherly. Quoting from Job 38, Christy said “Have you entered the storehouses of the snow, or have you seen the storehouses of the hail, which I have reserved for the time of trouble, for the day of battle and war? From whose womb did the ice come forth, and who has given birth to the frost of heaven? The waters become hard like stone, and the face of the deep is frozen. Can you lift up your voice to the clouds that a flood of waters may cover you? Can you send forth lightnings, that they may go and say to you, ‘Here we are?'”
What can top a record release party and playing for Winter Jam, one of the biggest concert tours in nation? For Stars Go Dim, they say it was reconnecting with their good friend and real life American war hero, Brandon Pellatier. After surviving a road side bomb, multiple sniper gun wounds, and losing the functioning of his right arm, Brandon is on a mission to continue to serve his fellow veterans by teaching acting classes for soldiers battling PTSD in Houston Texas. The members of the band say: Thanks for truly leading by example of how we should love others.
Jodi and Chris, of the band Love and The Outcome, say they have found the perfect way to share their music and introduce their new baby. The couple is still waiting for their baby boy to make his appearance but announced this week that they will be introducing him during The Bible Tour beginning in April.
The Sidewalk Prophets had a date for Valentines Day. One of their fans posted: sad I can’t find anyone to go with me on Valentines to Winterjam. She went on to ask: wanna go with me? I’ll save your seat while you perform! The members of the Sidewalk Prophets responded: We got your back! Looking forward to it.
(No news on the weekends.)
NEW NEWS KICKERS…
Yesterday was Valentine’s Day – but it was also the biggest day of the year for people to seek divorce lawyers! Legal web site Avvo.com, which offers ratings and profiles for lawyers, says the number of Americans seeking divorce lawyers and divorce-related information skyrockets around Valentine’s Day. ***Some people give their heart away on Valentine’s Day… others want to take away 50% of everything you own.
February 9th has come and gone. Are you still on track with your New Year’s fitness resolutions? According to Gold’s Gym, probably not. The fitness organization studied their check-in data and after crunching the numbers determined that February 9 is the so-called “fitness cliff,” when many people stop going to the gym. ***Boy, don’t I know it – that’s when the resolution to lose weight failed for me as well. February 9th… 1989.
McCook, Nebraska police officers were forced to shoot a pair of turkeys who made pests of themselves around town last month, intimidating pets and people and damaging property. *** Hashtag Turkey Lives Matter!
The more food, the manlier the man. Apparently, that’s what men think, anyway. According to a new Cornell University study, if you’re a man, how much you eat may have more to do with the gender of your dining companions than your appetite. In other words: men eat to show off. So, they eat more when in the company of women than in the company of other men. *** Apparently God made us that way – because at the same time, the woman eats like a bird while on a date – leaving that much more pizza for the guy to hork down.
NEWS KICKER EVERGREENS…
A recent study shows that people who “like” charities on Facebook are less likely to donate to them. ***Wait, people are untruthful on social media?
The latest survey of teens and tech shows nearly 8 in 10 (78%) have a cell phone, and almost half of those (48%) own smartphones. ***MARLAR: The 2 in 10 kids who don’t have a cell phone probably couldn’t reach it anyway because they’re always stuffed in their locker.
A new study shows that our brains need rebooting. The study published in a recent edition of the journal Science found that a plumbing network in the brains of mice flushes out cellular waste while sleeping. The study officials found that several important housekeeping functions take place while sleeping. ***MARLAR: In case you didn’t catch that… whenever you go to sleep, you get brainwashed!
Recent findings show that $3,075 is spent every second on internet pornography. ***MARLAR: You gotta feel sorry for that guy’s wife.
CLICK HERE TO DOWNLOAD TODAY’S EPISODE… “Deaf People Earmuffs”
DAILY COMEDY CLIP
CLICK HERE TO DOWNLOAD TODAY’S EPISODE… Sally Boeke, “Kindergarten”
AS THE JUNGLE TURNS – WEEKDAY VERSION
CLICK HERE TO DOWNLOAD MONDAY’S EPISODE
OPEN: Last time, Racquet the Skunk was commissioned to make new badminton racquets for Gruffy, Sully, and Nozzles. But when he realized that they’d never have to buy more racquets after that, he designed them with a flaw so they break easily – meaning they’d have to buy new racquets, keeping Racquet in business. Will his dishonesty pay off? We’re about to find out…
CLOSE: Ah ha… looks like Racquet’s scheme is about to backfire on him. I’m sure he didn’t mean for all of the racquets to break so soon. Will he apologize to his friends and make it right, or will he try to get out of trouble by being dishonest again? We’ll find out next time, as FancyMonkey.com, (Show Name), and (Station Call Letters) bring you As the Jungle Turns!
AS THE JUNGLE TURNS – SATURDAY/SUNDAY VERSION
CLICK HERE TO DOWNLOAD THE EPISODE FOR THE WEEKEND OF FEBRUARY 20/21
OPEN: And now, FancyMonkey.com, (Show Name), and (Station Call Letters) bring you As the Jungle Turns! When last we left the jungle, Louis the lion – currently the king of the jungle – decided he didn’t want to be king. So all of the animals went out to find a new king… and they’ve found a really big throne – and a really big crown! Then the animals asked Louis to try the crown on…
CLOSE: The searching has finally paid off! The animals have finally found a new king! Or have they? This older lion seems to like to nap a lot. What kind of king would he be? Tune in again next time, for As the Jungle Turns!
***You may simulcast “As the Jungle Turns” on the Internet stream of your live broadcast only. Any other Internet use of “As the Jungle Turns” in whole or part including podcasting of your live broadcast is a violation of copyright law. Thank you for your cooperation on this vitally important issue. If you have any questions, please e-mail us and ask about “Jungle Jam & Friends the Radio Show” usage.
MOMENT OF DUH
How dangerous are computer games, really?
Joseph Langenderfer of Dunedin, Florida, got fed up with his 22-year-old son Tim playing computer games instead of doing any chores. When Tim still hadn’t done his laundry, his dad got his gun and threatened to shoot out the computer monitor. Langenderfer says the gun accidentally discharged and the bullet hit the wall, about three feet from where Tim was sitting. His son called 911 and told police his dad shot at him, and Langenderfer was jailed on attempted murder charges. ***MARLAR: See? Computer games DO lead to violence!
TOP TEN QUESTIONS TO ASK YOURSELF TO KNOW IF YOU’RE TOO OLD TO DRIVE
- Do you think the new Cadillacs are too small?
- Do your hands always stay on the sides of the steering wheel, even when you’re turning a corner?
- Does it take you more than four minutes to get out of your car?
- When you parallel park, do you just back up until you hear something?
- Does it scare you to get your car up to the speed limit?
- Have you passed another vehicle in the last three years?
4.Do you use cruise control because your leg fell asleep?
- In the last six months, have you checked to see if your turn signal is on?
- Does your bumper sticker mention Eisenhower?
- When the police pull you over, are they amazed to find out you’re sober?
THE FILES OF LAW & DISORDER
Today’s files of Law & Disorder contain a helpful tip. Never jump over a fence unless you know what’s on the other side!
FILE #1: Tyler, Texas police surprised a couple of men nosing around the Classic Toyota lot late at night. When the men spotted the cops, they took off, with one of them jumping over a nearby fence in an effort to get away. No doubt as soon as he hit the ground, the man knew he had made a serious mistake. He had jumped into a yard containing a couple of Rottweiler dogs. Big Rottweilers. Big, mean, Rottweilers. Making a quick decision about the lesser of two evils, the man jumped back over the fence and into the arms of the cops.
FILE #2: In Lodi, California, police arrested three generations of the same family who all went shoplifting together at a local Target and allegedly tried to steal $900 bucks worth of merchandise. 59-year-old grandmother Linda Robinson was joined by her 36-year-old daughter, Anna Fernandez and Anna’s four kids ages 17, 14, 8 and 5! The entire crew was caught on surveillance video cutting open boxes and hiding MP3 players, digital cameras, DVDs, jewelry and sports equipment in purses, bags and a backpack. Police say the 5-year-old actually had a pack of gum! Grandma and her daughter are now facing eight years in prison. The two teenage sons will face charges in juvenile court. The two smaller kids were released to relatives and won’t face any charges.
FILE #3: If you’re going to rob a bank, the city bus should not be your getaway vehicle of choice. In Sandy Springs, Georgia, police arrested 22-year-old Channel Monae Gaskin after allegedly robbing a local bank. She was arrested after police spotted her waiting at a bus stop to make her getaway. Sandy Springs police Lt. Steve Rose said, “That just wasn’t too bright.” After being given a bag of cash from a bank teller, she ran across a parking lot to a restaurant, where a dye bomb exploded and sprayed orange-colored ink on her and the money. Kind of made her easy to spot.
STRANGE LAW: In Michigan, under state law, dentists are officially classified as “mechanics.”
THIS IS YOUR BRAIN ON DRUGS
An unsuccessful robber shot himself in the foot, literally.
Police said Kelvin Ethelbert Roberts botched his plans to rob a Cherryville, North Carolina convenience store by accidentally shooting his right foot with a .45-caliber handgun. The gun apparently hit the ground and went off, with a bullet striking Roberts in the foot. Authorities said Roberts was in illegal possession of the gun because of his felony cocaine possession conviction in 2002 in Chautauqua County, New York. ***MARLAR: Sounds like cocaine might still be affecting his thinking.
How did your Valentine surprise you yesterday?
BIBLE BRAIN BUSTER!
QUESTION: Jesus told a parable of a servant who owed the king _____ talents.
ANSWER: 10,000 (Matthew 18:24)
QUESTION: What do bullet proof vests, fire escapes, windshield wipers, and laser printers all have in common?
ANSWER: All invented by women.
TRUE OR FALSE
Pay attention! If our next player doesn’t answer all ten T/F questions correctly we start all over from question #1! First person to answer question #10 correctly is our winner!
- Joe DiMaggio had more home runs than strikeouts during his career. (True!)
- “Hang On Sloopy” is the official rock song of Ohio. (True)
- The wingspan of a Boeing 747 jet is longer than the Wright Brothers’ first flight. (True)
- The first videotape recorder was made in 1956 and was the size of an microwave. (False – it was much larger, the size of a piano.)
- The Hollywood sign was originally conceived as a real estate ad. (True. First erected in 1923, it originally read Hollywoodland. The sign stands 50 feet tall, stretches 450 feet across, weighs 450,000 pounds.)
- The Jordanian city Amman was once called Chicago. (False! It was once called Philadelphia though!)
- The Pacific Ocean is saltier than the Atlantic Ocean. (False… it’s vice versa)
- The border between Canada and the U.S. is the world’s longest frontier. It stretches 3,987 miles (True… 6,416 km).
- The Eiffel Tower was built for the 1889 World’s Fair. (True)
- The flag of Mexico is the only national flag that is flown differently during times of peace or war. (False, it’s the flag of the Philippines. A portion of the flag is blue, while the other is red. The blue portion is flown on top in time of peace and the red portion is flown in war time.)
TABLOID MATCH GAME
You have to match the blank in the tabloid headline with the word or phrase that has been removed!
MAN EATS _________ AT MIAMI’S TOP BBQ (HIS OWN WEIGHT)
MIAMI – A man set the world record for eating meat (in pounds) at Miami’s premier BBQ restaurant.
In what started as a normal family dining experience at a popular Miami BBQ restaurant, ingestion experts are now calling it “impossible,” “improbable,” “freak of nature” and, of course “repulsive.”
A Brooklyn man visiting Miami over the long weekend has eaten his weight in barbecue meats over a period of 7.5 hours at Sparky’s Roadside Barbecue in downtown Miami. Sparky’s proprietor, Kevin Kehoe, remarked, “Blew my mind! This guy comes in with his family and orders a half rack of ribs and a pulled pork sandwich, like any normal dude, but he just wouldn’t stop. The guy was inhaling everything. We almost ran out of meat.”Starting at about 5:15 p.m., the restaurant staff confirmed, the man started his dinner and upon finishing his first entrees, asked for the menu and proceeded to order everything else – multiple times. Pulled pork and smoked chicken thighs were the favorites in his eating binge that proceeded well past the restaurant’s closing hours. Recognizing something special was happening – Sparky’s remained open and actually fired up its specialty Friedrich smoker to prepare more food. Several items came off the smoker in time to keep his eating fest going.
The man’s family – who has requested anonymity as they go through counseling – both emotional and financial – was at first passive at the picnic table seating in the restaurant. But as the eating procession continued, they became more and more excited and even began to cheer. “Go baby backs; go smoked duck; go pulled pork; go catfish; go jerk chicken, go Mahi Mahi, go chopped chicken…” It’s still not clear if the man had planned to compete in this weekend’s Miami marathon… but he certainly was well fueled to make the distance.
But in all the rejoicing, there were some sad faces amongst the Sparky’s side dishes… as the man, in his quest for meat, refused to eat the mac & cheese, collard greens, baked beans, cole slaw, corn or even mashed potatoes. Only the banana pudding got the nod, as the final course on the eating spree – which concluded 168 pounds (and two bathroom breaks) later.
“We need a bigger smoker,” Mr. Kehoe said to his manager, Lisa.
THE WAY TOO EARLY IN THE MORNING TO UNDERSTAND THE PUNCHLINE EVEN AFTER TWO CUPS OF COFFEE JOKE OF THE DAY
A veterinarian was feeling ill and went to see her doctor. The doctor asked her all the usual questions, about symptoms, how long had they been occurring, etc., when she interrupted him:
“Hey look, I’m a vet and I don’t need to ask my patients these kind of questions: I can tell what’s wrong just by looking.” She smugly added, “Why can’t you?”
The doctor nodded, stood back, looked her up and down, quickly wrote out a prescription, handed it to her and said, “There you are. Of course, if that doesn’t work, we’ll have to have you put to sleep.”
A woman was taking her time browsing through everything at a friend’s yard sale, and said to her, “My husband is going to be very angry I stopped at a yard sale.”
“I’m sure he’ll understand when you tell him about all the bargains you found,” her friend replied.
“Normally, yes,” she said. “But he just broke his leg, and he’s waiting for me to take him to the hospital to have it set.”
A minister was planning a wedding at the close of the Sunday morning service. After the benediction, he had planned to call the couple down for a brief ceremony in front of the congregation. For the life of him, he couldn’t think of the names of those who were to be married. ”Will those wanting to get married please come to the front?” he requested. Immediately, nine single ladies, three widows, four widowers, and six single men stepped to the front.
A movie company in Korea wants to use digital imagery to bring the late Bruce Lee back to the movie screen. ***MARLAR: It’s amazing what they can do with digital technology nowadays. There’s another rumor that, using digital technology, the next Pauly Shore movie may actually have a good script and believable acting. (Kidding… even technology can’t do that!)
McDonald’s has opened its first cyber-restaurant in Tel Aviv with 20 computer terminals so customers can surf the Web while eating their burgers and fries. ***MARLAR: Although you’re probably better off health-wise if you simply chow down on the computer keyboard.
A man was going up to bed, when his wife told him he’d left the light on in the garden shed – she could see it from the bedroom window. But he said that he hadn’t been in the shed that day. He looked himself, and there were people in the shed, stealing things.
He rang the police, but they told him that no one was in his area, so no one was available to catch the thieves. He said OK, hung up, counted to 30 and rang the police again.
“Hello. I just rang you a few seconds ago because there were people in my shed? Well, you don’t have to worry about them now, I’ve just shot them all.”
Within five minutes there were half a dozen police cars in the area, an Armed Response unit, the works. Of course, they caught the burglars red-handed. One of the policeman said to this man: “I thought you said you’d shot them!”
He replied, “I thought you said there were no cops available!”
IT MUST BE TRUE BECAUSE I HEARD IT ON THE RADIO!
IT’S HOTTER THAN…
You’ve heard people say that something is “hotter than Hell…” but have you ever wondered just how hot that was?
…Well, according to professor Dieter Huerwitz, it’s ten-thousand-500-degrees Fahrenheit. He says human souls can survive there because souls don’t burn under 12-thousand degrees Fahrenheit. ***MARLAR: It seems to me that this guy has been standing next to some type of heat source for way too long… it’s melted his brain!
TIME WELL SPENT
By: Joseph J. Mazzella
I like to spend some time every now and then just looking out on the graveyard that lies next to my backyard. Now some people may think that this is foolish and others may think it is even a bit weird, but to me it is always time well spent.
I get a wonderful sense of peace when I look upon those beautiful, old gravestones. They remind me that life is a very precious thing and should always be lived in love and joy. They remind me that I don’t have forever and that if I am going to live I have to live today. They remind me that the moments of my life should never be wasted and that my time on this world should always be time well spent.
I know that this is why I still hug my children and tell them I love them so often. I know that this is why I still share my joy so freely with my family and friends. I know that this is why I still love and pet my dogs and cats everyday. I know that this is why I still take nature walks, read inspirational books, and listen to beautiful, uplifting music. I know that this is why I still smile, laugh, dance, and sing. I know that this is why I still write and share all that I know, all that I am, and all that I am becoming.
Don’t waste your own time on this wonderful world. Make your everyday, your every hour, and your every second time well spent. Make your life a glorious gift of love and joy that you give freely to God, yourself, and all those around you. Remember, one day you and I and everyone else will leave this world. Let’s not leave here with a soul full of regrets. Let’s spend every second rejoicing in and sharing love, kindness, goodness, joy, and delight. Let’s go to meet God knowing that we died living and that our time was very well spent.
DRIVE TIME DEVOTIONAL
Read: Proverbs 16:1-9
A man’s heart plans his way, but the Lord directs his steps. —Proverbs 16:9
Life-changing events do not happen by accident. They are not determined by the stars. They are not by chance. There is no such thing as chance. The Lord uses every situation in life to accomplish His purposes.
Frank W. Boreham (1871-1959), British pastor and essayist, said, “It was not by chance that Elijah and Ahab met on the grassy slopes of Carmel. It was not by chance that Herod and John met on the highways in Galilee. It was not by chance that Pilate and Jesus met in the judgment hall at Jerusalem. It was not by chance that Peter and Cornelius met on the Syrian seaboard. It was not by chance that Philip and the Ethiopian met on the sandy road to Gaza. It was not by chance that Nero and Paul met amid the antique splendors of ancient Rome. . . . No, our meetings are no more by chance than the meeting of Stanley and Livingstone in Central Africa.”
We should begin each day with a sincere desire to please the Lord, gladly anticipating His appointments for us. They may be circumstances that are unplanned, or the people we meet unexpectedly. But we should welcome them as opportunities to witness, to serve others, and to grow spiritually.
Recognizing God’s sovereign leading, let us rejoice in His appointments. —Richard De Haan
All things work out for good, we know—
Such is God’s great design;
He orders all our steps below
For purposes divine. —Peterson
The stops of a good man are ordered by the Lord as well as his steps. —Müller
FIRST DATE FIASCO
A tip for guys trying to impress a woman on a first date — don’t shoot yourself!
Susan MacDonald and Kim Barnes’ first date was going well, until Barnes accidentally misfired a gun and shot himself in the leg. Kim Barnes (the man in this story – despite his first name) is a former US Air Force fighter pilot and has handled guns all his life. But he accidentally shot himself with his semi-automatic pistol during the date. The irony is, he was trying to demonstrate to his date, Susan, how kids often accidentally shoot themselves. Fortunately for him, his date works in a hospital and was able to help him until the paramedics arrived. “I certainly hope I get a second date,” Susan said. “He is a lovely man.” Barnes said he’s hoping for another “shot” as well.
LIFE… LIVE IT
THE PRINTER INK RIP-OFF
Want to know how to save a little money (or a LOT) on your printer’s ink jet cartridges? I’ll give you the secrets to a long cartridge life!
In the entire world there is nothing as expensive as an inkjet cartridge. No… really! If the ink were gasoline, it would cost you $175,000 to fill your gas tank – that’s how expensive those little buggers are! You go out and you buy an inkjet printer – and it comes with ink cartridges, but they are only partially filled and do not last very long at all. The printer company want you to go in debt getting those printer cartridges almost immediately. So you buy more printer cartridges… and more… and more… it seems like it never ends! It wouldn’t be so bad, except that a typical ink jet cartridge costs $30 or $40 bucks! But, get this… it only takes $3 to $4 to produce an ink jet replacement cartridge. Yep… you’re paying for a cartridge TEN TIMES OVER! The printer makers say the mark up is due to research and development costs… yeah right! So, what can you do? The first thing to remember is that your printer lies to you! A lot of people see the printer telling them the ink is running out, and they pop in another cartridge. But your printer is lying. The trick is to squeeze every last drop of ink out of the cartridge. Ignore the warnings. Keep a replacement handy, but keep printing using that first cartridge. And when the ink really starts to run out, pop in the new cartridge, right? No. You can still get a few more pages sometimes. Take out the cartridge and shake it, bang it on your desk a couple of times, then put it back in. That doesn’t always work, but it does sometimes. Another answer comes from the “compatibles” and the “remanufactureds”… the generic cartridges made from scratch and used cartridges that are refurbished, refilled and sold at a fraction of the original price.
JUST FOR FUN
SHE SHOULD’VE JUST SHOT HER MOUTH OFF
Ever had someone hate your music so much they pointed a shotgun at you and fired?
They say if the music is too loud, you’re too old… and here’s a perfect example of that. You don’t want to play your radio too loud around 80-year-old Lillie Clouse of Toledo, Ohio. Lillie lives right across the street from the Lucas County jail, but this morning she’s sitting inside that jail after she fired a shotgun at the car of a man parked in front of her house because he was playing his radio too loud. The bad news is, while she missed the guy, shotgun pellets actually struck two kids who were standing nearby. Fortunately, the kids weren’t actually hurt because the round had lost all its power from sitting in the shotgun for 42 years! Police said Lillie did ask the guy to turn the music down first, but when he refused, the 5-foot, 108-pound, 80-year-old woman went into her home, got the shotgun and fired!
TOP FIVE SIGNS YOU NEED TO SKIP SPRING CLEANING AND START CLEANING NOW
- People keep slipping on the pumpkin remnants on the porch
- There’s a dust bunny for every song on your iPod
- Something inside the refrigerator just growled
- Not one needle left on the Christmas tree
- “Romney 2012” is written in dust on your coffee table
MORE SHOW PREP STUFF…
According to new research, grumpy is good.
Researchers at the University of New South Wales in Sydney, Australia, have determined that grumpy people are not only better at decision-making, but also less gullible. Lead study author and psychology professor Joe Forgas says cheerfulness fosters creativity, while gloominess breeds attentiveness and careful thinking, reports the BBC News. Why? Grumpy people are better able than happy people to cope with demanding situations because of the way the brain promotes information processing strategies. “Whereas positive mood seems to promote creativity, flexibility, co-operation and reliance on mental shortcuts, negative moods trigger more attentive, careful thinking, paying greater attention to the external world,” Forgas wrote in Australian Science Magazine. ***MARLAR: All of that to say Oscar the Grouch is probably smarter than Cookie Monster.
OTHER STUFF I WANT TO CRAM INTO TODAY’S PREP
After a 10,000-mile long flight from Virginia to Australia, a World War II U.S. army veteran finally reunited with his wartime girlfriend last week after recently reconnecting online. For the first time in over 70 years, Norwood Thomas, 93, came face-to-face with Joyce Durrant Morris, 88, his long-lost first love. According to ABC News, Thomas and Morris’ story began in the spring of 1944 in London. The two had dated for a few months but were separated when Thomas was forced to leave for the Battle of Normandy in France. For over seven decades, the two lived separate lives. The two were brought together again last November, when Morris’ son found contact information for Thomas’ son online. Thomas’ trip was made possible by hundreds of people who made donations online after reading his story and by Air New Zealand, which made arrangements to fly Thomas and his son first class, free of charge.
February 9th has come and gone. Are you still on track with your New Year’s fitness resolutions? According to Gold’s Gym, probably not. The fitness organization studied their check-in data and after crunching the numbers determined that February 9 is the so-called “fitness cliff,” when many people stop going to the gym. However, they also have some suggestions if you are still working out or wanting to try again. Ideas include:
- Use the buddy system
- Don’t beat yourself up if you get off track
- Embrace technology: Fitness bands and meal-tracking apps are more than just cool technology — they’re full of helpful data.
- Put it in writing
Today is Presidents Day. With all eyes on the people running to replace President Barack Obama in the White House and the annual holiday celebrating our Presidents around the corner, now is a good time to test your knowledge about all the men who preceded the current occupant of the Oval Office. Can you put all 44 presidents in the right order? Find out by taking the Time Magazine quiz.
Two Mexican Protestants who were imprisoned and then expelled from their community for refusing to renounce their faith have been allowed to return to their homes with a guarantee of full religious freedom. According to ChristianToday.com, The two are part of the United Pentecostal Church of Mexico. They were imprisoned by officials for allegedly celebrating non-Roman Catholic rites in their home. While they were being held, they were put under pressure to renounce their Protestant faith. When they refused to do so after 30 hours, they were released and given 18 hours to leave the village. It took nearly a year but this week the two were allowed to return to their homes without changing their beliefs.
AND I LEAVE YOU WITH THIS THOUGHT
Have you noticed since everyone has a camcorder these days no one talks about seeing UFOs like they used to?
People are not rejecting Christ as much as they are rejecting angry Christianity.
Before marriage, a man yearns for the woman he loves. After marriage, the ‘Y’ becomes silent.
In the US, it takes more brainpower to fill out the income tax forms than it does to earn the income in the first place.
Strange how people who don’t even know their neighbors are extremely curious to know if there’s extra-terrestrial life.
“Hay fever is the real Flower Power.” — Leonard Louis Levinson
THE TICKET Movie Reviews with MARIE ASNER
Marie Asner has been reviewing films for over 30 years. Her outlets include radio, print and Internet. For more in-depth movie reviews of the following films, visit www.Tollbooth.org. Ratings from 1 (Low) to 5 (High).
FEBRUARY 12, 2016…
Where To Invade—Michael Moore (and I bet he’s working on a documentary now on the water situation in Flint, Michigan) travels the world in his documentary “Where To Invade” trying to find information (tongue-in-cheek) to help the U.S. He goes to Finland and other countries looking for answers to prison crowding (in one country, the prisoners have free roaming of the prison and it is better inside than outside.) “Where To Invade” is rated PG 13. Rating of 3.
Deadpool—Comic book fans, here comes “Deadpool,” the former special forces/mercenary guy who underwent an experiment (again?) and comes out fighting crime with language to boot. Ryan Reynolds plays the hero, and others in the cast include Morena Baccarin (“Gotham”), Ed Skrein (“Transporter”) and Stan Lee (you read that right.) “Deadpool” is rated R. Rating of 3 for fans.
How To Be Single—The gals gather: Dakota Johnson, Alison Bree, Rebel Wilson and Leslie Mann—to learn how to live without men. Look out guys, here they come. “How To Be Single” is rated R. No rating.
Zoolander 2-–The first film was a fan favorite and now Ben Stiller and Owen Wilson reprise their roles as models Derek and Hansel. Guess who else is in the cast? Benedict Cumberbatch (“Sherlock Holmes”), Kristen Wiig and Will Ferrell. This story has devious people trying to get Derek and Hansel out of the business. “Zoolander 2” is rated R. Rating of 2 for fans.
The Bad Hurt—All families have problems, hurts and secrets and in this particular one, they try to work through everything. The cast includes Ashley Williams, Karen Allen and Johnny Whitworth. “The Bad Hurt” is rated PG 13. No rating.
FEBRUARY 19, 2016…
Race is the story of Jesse Owens, the African-American athlete who was in the 1936 Olympics against all odds. Stars Stephan James.
Viral has a virus running amok around the country and one family trying to avoid getting it. Stars Analeigh Tipton and Michael Kelly.
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