***DAILY DOSE OF WEIRD NEWS! (As an ONAIRprep subscriber, you can gain access to all of the work parts for the Daily Dose of Weird News, allowing you to edit for length and content – and also receive a custom tag specifically for your station or show which you can have updated at any time… ABSOLUTELY FREE! IT’S PART OF YOUR SUBSCRIPTION! Email me to get more information, FTP access and your free customized tag!)
WELCOME TO THE SHOW!
Okay, so I was just informed by my Valentine that a vacuum sweeper is NOT considered a romantic gift. Well, that sucks.
As a big-time celebrity, I’ve asked all drug stores to knock the heart-shaped boxes of candy down at least 50% today. You’re welcome.
Due to a lack of serious preparation, 90% of today’s (JOCK SHOW) has been stolen from a preceding (JOCK SHOW) for improved presentation at this time.
I tried to login on my iPad, turns out it was an Etch-a-Sketch. And I don’t own an iPad. And I’m out of coffee.
You know you’re lazy when you get excited about cancelled plans.
Those people with cars as their profile pictures on Facebook… so, you’re a Transformer?
BIBLE VERSE OF THE DAY
“Your word I have treasured in my heart, that I may not sin against You.” –Psalms 119:11
A new command I give you: Love one another. As I have loved you , so you must love one another. By this all men will know that you are my disciples, if you love one another. — John 13:34-35
Simeon took him [Jesus] in his arms and praised God, saying: “Sovereign Lord, as you have promised, you now dismiss your servant in peace. For my eyes have seen your salvation, which you have prepared in the sight of all people, a light for revelation to the Gentiles and for glory to your people Israel.” — Luke 2:28-32
HEARTLIGHT DAILY VERSE, PRAYER & THOUGHT
I thank my God every time I remember you. — Philippians 1:3
Thought: Certain people are blessings. It doesn’t matter if we visit with them on the phone, get an encouraging email, receive a hand-written letter, or see them face to face. Any time we remember them, we thank God for them. So let’s follow Paul’s example and let them know they give us reasons to offer thanks to God.
Prayer: Loving LORD, thank you for… (place the name of several people who bless your life in here). They have blessed my life in so many ways, so I’m asking you now to bless their lives with your grace, power, and Spirit. In Jesus’ name I pray. Amen.
The Thoughts and Prayers for Today’s Verse are written by Phil Ware. You can email questions or comments to firstname.lastname@example.org.
“BIRTHDAY VERSE” OF THE DAY (The chapter and verse correspond to the month and day!)
2 Timothy 2:15 NIV = Do your best to present yourself to God as one approved, a workman who does not need to be ashamed and who correctly handles the word of truth.
TODAY IS WEDNESDAY – FEBRUARY 15, 2017
(NOTE: Some holidays may be duplicated due to various calendars reporting conflicting dates)
WEIRD, WACKY, STRANGE, ZANY, ODD, BIZARRE, QUIRKY, UNUSUAL HOLIDAYS!
THERE ARE ONLY 312 SHOPPING DAYS UNTIL CHRISTMAS.
Today is NATIONAL SEA MONKEY DAY. ***Now, in case you didn’t know, Sea Monkeys aren’t really monkeys at all, they’re actually brine shrimp. Not that information like that would make you want to adopt any Sea Monkeys anyway, but it might make for an interesting mental experience next time you stop by Red Lobster.
You’ve heard people tell you to stop and smell the roses, well today is STOP AND SMELL YOUR COMPOST PILE DAY. ***After that, most anything smells rosy.
Today is THANKS FOR A GREAT VALENTINE’S DAY DAY. ***Now this is something new. I guess today we’re supposed to fill out the “thank you” cards to send to your Valentine to thank them for giving you a great Valentine’s Day – assuming you had a great one. But c’mon, let’s face it, if someone sent you a Valentine, YOU HAD A GREAT VALENTINE’S DAY!
TODAY IS ALSO…
COMING UP NEXT (Just a list, we are not endorsing the holidays posted below.)
THURSDAY, FEBRUARY 16
FRIDAY, FEBRUARY 17
SATURDAY, FEBRUARY 18
Battery Day (Volta’s birthday)
Cow Milked While Flying In An Airplane Day
Eat Ice Cream for Breakfast Day Link
National Drink Wine Day Link
National Hate Florida Day: 18 Link
Pluto Day (Discovered by Clyde Tombaugh)
World Whale Day Link
SUNDAY, FEBRUARY 19
MONDAY, FEBRUARY 20
TUESDAY, FEBRUARY 21
International Mother Language Day
Travel Africa Day
WEDNESDAY, FEBRUARY 22
ON THIS DAY
1564: Astronomer Galileo Galilei was born in Pisa, Italy.
1764: In Missouri, the city of St. Louis was established.
1927: The U.S. issued a patent (#1,661,036) for the Grapefruit Squirt Shield, a shell-shaped grapefruit holder that protected others at the table from being squirted.
1946: The Philadelphia Phillies signed 33-year-old Edith Houghton to a baseball scouting contract, the first female scout in the major leagues.
1951: The movie “Bedtime for Bonzo” premiered in Indianapolis. It starred Ronald Reagan as a monkey’s father.
1958: The “Dick Clark Show” debuted on ABC-TV in prime-time. Guests on the first show were Connie Francis, Jerry Lee Lewis, Johnnie Ray, Pat Boone, and Chuck Willis. The show lasted three seasons.
1965: Singer Nat “King” Cole died of cancer at age 45. His first band was called The Royal Dukes. He had 50 charted singles, including “Mona Lisa,” “When I Fall In Love,” and “Ramblin’ Rose.”
1969: Vickie Jones was arrested in Florida for impersonating Aretha Franklin during a paid concert. She was so convincing, no one asked for a refund.
1989: The Soviet Union announced that the last of its troops had left Afghanistan after more than nine years of military intervention.
1998: A two-ton elephant named Tonya escaped from a circus at the high school in Mentor, Ohio, and ambled a quarter mile with police in hot pursuit. She was captured a few minutes later at the Big Lots store. No one was injured.
1999: Governor Jesse Ventura proclaimed Rolling Stones Day in Minnesota, and congratulated 55-year-old Keith Richards for being “still alive.” Ventura once worked as a Rolling Stones bodyguard. (audio clip)
2001: A drummer in Kagel, Germany, was practicing so loudly in his bedroom that he did not notice burglars smash a downstairs window, empty the house of valuables, and drive off in his car.
2003: Millions of protesters around the world demonstrated against a possible U.S. attack against Iraq.
2004: Race driver Dale Earnhardt Jr. won the Daytona 500 on the same track where his father was killed three years earlier.
TODAY IN CHRISTIAN HISTORY
1386: Jagiello, king of the Lithuanians, is baptized. His conversion, the condition of an alliance with Poland, marks the end of established paganism in Europe.
1497: German scholar and reformer Philipp Melanchthon is born in Bretten, Baden. He and Luther were at times allies (he defended Luther against Johann van Eck and Emperor Charles V) and at other times enemies (Luther thrashed him for his views on the Sacraments, but apologized on his deathbed). Melanchthon’s argument for justification by faith alone, known as the Augsburg Confession, is now the basic statement of Lutheran doctrine.
1631: John Donne, the greatest love poet of the English language and dean of St. Paul’s Cathedral, preaches his last sermon titled “Death’s Duel.” “We celebrate our own funeral with cries, even at our birth,” preached the poet, who was seemingly obsessed with the subject for his entire life (32 of his 54 songs and sonnets are about death).
1727: Jonathan Edwards is ordained. His sober sermons had a powerful effect on his listeners.
1776: James Taylor converts to Christ on his wedding day, becomes the grandfather of Hudson Taylor.
1860: Wheaton College (formerly Illinois Institute), one of evangelicalism’s top institutions of higher education, is chartered in Illinois.
1905: Christian author Lew Wallace dies at age 77. Wallace famous Ben Hur (1880) conceived on a train ride while arguing about Christ’s divinity with famous agnostic Robert Ingersoll. It sold more than 300,000 copies in a decade, making him one of the best-selling religious authors of the 1800s.
1949: Official excavation begins on the first of the caves that contain Dead Sea scrolls.
1977: Ponsiano Lwakatale, an Ugandan pastor, is miraculously saved from death at the hands of an Ugandan chief who tries to kill him. The chief raised his spear. Christians prayed. The chief was unable to drive the spear through the pastor.
HOLLYWOOD AND CELEBRITY FIGURE BIRTHDAYS
actress Sarah Wynter (TV’s “The Dead Zone” and “24”) 43
actress (Gabrielle in TV’s “Xena: Warrior Princess” and “Hercules”) Renee O’Connor 45
actress (“Dr. Quinn: Medicine Woman”) Jane Seymour 65
actress (the original Clash of the Titans) Claire Bloom 85
(Music Artist Birthdays From SongFacts.com)
1905 : Harold Arlen
1918 : Hank Locklin
1939 : Alvin Cash
1941 : Brian Holland
1943 : Denny Zager (Zager and Evans)
1944 : Mick Avory (The Kinks)
1945 : John Helliwell (Supertramp)
1947 : David Brown (Santana)
1951 : Melissa Manchester
1959 : Ali Campbell (UB40)
1960 : Mikey Craig (Culture Club)
1976 : Brandon Boyd (Incubus)
SECRETS OF THE UNIVERSE
Where did the word “monsoon” come from?
The word ‘monsoon’ is derived from the Arabic word ‘mausim’, meaning season. It was first used by Arab sailors to describe the seasonal winds that blow across the Arabian Sea.
CHRISTIAN ARTIST NEWS
This is just a tiny sample of the 5-6 pages of material you could be receiving three days a week from ChristianRadioShowPrepServices.com!
Why do the members of Stars Go Dim travel the world? The band shared a video this week featuring one of the members’ daughters excitedly singing along to their song doxology. They posted: This video just about sums up my drive in traveling the word and sharing this music everywhere I go! I want everyone’s child to be able to sing as loud as they can and proclaim the name of Jesus. https://www.instagram.com/p/BQQ597rDB5I/
Third Day’s Mark Lee is out with another interesting video. It’s titled: My Life as a Complete Idiot: Episode 2-How Not to Kill a Bug on the Ceiling. Check out the step by step tutorial at https://www.instagram.com/p/BQRb-ePgKJ3/.
Kerrie Roberts is trying something new. She posted this week: So in the past I’ve enjoyed our online concerts together. I was thinking about doing something a little different to celebrate and share the new album with you. What do you think about an online listening party? Who’s in? http://fb.me/6rJUrl8va
Did you know you can follow Jamie Grace on Pinterest? Neither did she. She posted this week: I just realized that my pinterest has been public for YEARS and thousands of people are following it. I had NO idea. https://www.pinterest.com/jamiegraceh/
Colton Dixon is asking for you to join him in supporting 3 Strands Global. He posted: Let’s unite in the fight to eliminate global human trafficking! https://www.instagram.com/p/BQRGIZdDLgd/
Third Day’s Mac Powell admits that he loves peanut butter. He posted a picture of his cabinet at home. It contained five jars of Jif peanut butter, including crunchy, creamy and “with Honey added”. Also in the cabinet were two other jars of peanut butter along with a container of powered peanut butter. https://www.instagram.com/p/BQQRWU-DWXN/
There’s still time to get in on Tobymac’s Run for Hope in 2017. Run for Hope will compete in this year’s Rock ‘N’ Roll Nashville Marathon, 1/2 Marathon or 5K on April 29, 2017. The purpose of the run is to raise money for the New Hope Academy, a private school for children from low-income families. However, if you can’t travel to Nashville, Tobymac is also offering the chance to participate in a virtual run and still receive all of the items that the runners receive in Nashville. https://bit.ly/teamdvc
Mercyme says the real Bart was watching the fake Bart over the weekend. They posted a picture as band front man Bart Millard watched the actor who is playing him in their upcoming movie. The movie is based on Mercyme’s best known son g I Can Only Imagine and Bart was reviewing some of the scenes. https://www.instagram.com/p/BQZpk86FV6a/
Congratulations to Chris and Jodi of the band Love and the Outcome. They posted over the weekend: Love & Another Outcome! Just when we thought life couldn’t get any more exciting, our trio is gonna turn into a foursome. https://twitter.com/loveandoutcome/status/830138157396066305/photo/1
The Afters have camped out in a lot of rooms prior to their shows, but they say this week’s pre-concert hideaway was one of the best. Front man Josh Havens says the room was complete with a fireplace to warm their bones on a cold and rainy Oregon day. https://www.instagram.com/p/BQRm2_EASfK/
(No news on the weekends. Want a customized audio version, FREE? Email me for more information! )
NEW NEWS KICKERS…
In Wisconsin a woman attempted to pass a counterfeit $20 bill at a gas station. She was trying to buy cigarettes with the bill and was asked to show ID. At about that time the clerk noticed something odd about the $20 bill. It was blank on one side. The woman claimed she didn’t know it was a fake bill and said she’d go out to her car to get some real money. That’s when the clerk jotted down her driver’s license info and called police. ***I hope for her sake she doesn’t try that again when paying her bail.
Remember folks – when you rob someone’s house and take a taxi as your getaway vehicle, forgetting to pay the driver may turn out badly for you. In New Jersey, two alleged burglars essentially directed police to their apartment in New Jersey when they did just that. Kenneth Burke, 46, and Timothy Foote, 38, took a taxi to a residence in Deal, New Jersey, went inside, then emerged with a TV and liquor bottles. The taxi driver then dropped the men at an apartment in Asbury Park, but they refused to pay. So, the driver quickly called police. Officers checked the home in Deal and found it had been burglarized. Burke and Foote now face burglary, theft, and other charges, and are being held on $20,000 bail. ***Hmmm… I wonder if they’ll pay THAT.
A motorcyclist from New Jersey who fled New York State Police at speeds of more than 165 mph was arrested after stopping for gas. ***That’s what happens when you forget to call “time out” first.
Gayle McCormick, a 73-year-old retired prison guard in Washington state who describes herself as a “Democrat leaning toward socialist,” says she decided to end her 22 year marriage after her husband announced at a lunch with friends last year that he was planning to vote for Donald Trump. She says that was a “deal breaker,” and that she went through with the divorce even though her ex didn’t end up voting for Trump. ***Wow… sounds like Gayle actually did this guy a favor. He was probably already looking for a way to escape this loon.
Kylie Jenner is reportedly getting her own spin off show from “The Kardashians.” ***You heard that right – we now live in a world that is considering spinoff shows of “The Kardashians”. I believe up next comes the sky will turn dark and the oceans will turn to blood.
Joe Piscopo is considering a run for governor of New Jersey. ***You might think that’s funny, but I wouldn’t tell him that to his face.
Former First Lady Michelle Obama will appear on the Fox TV show MasterChef Junior. ***Are we sure this is a good idea? I mean, look what she did to school lunches!
After one buttoned-up year, Playboy is bringing nude photographs back to its magazine. Cooper Hefner, the son of magazine founder Hugh Hefner, announced the move on Twitter Monday. Playboy published its first non-nude issue in March 2016. ***Wait… you mean men DON’T read it for the articles?!?!
NEWS KICKER EVERGREENS…
Yesterday was Valentine’s Day – but it was also the biggest day of the year for people to seek divorce lawyers! Legal web site Avvo.com, which offers ratings and profiles for lawyers, says the number of Americans seeking divorce lawyers and divorce-related information skyrockets around Valentine’s Day. ***Some people give their heart away on Valentine’s Day… others want to take away 50% of everything you own.
February 9th has come and gone. Are you still on track with your New Year’s fitness resolutions? According to Gold’s Gym, probably not. The fitness organization studied their check-in data and after crunching the numbers determined that February 9 is the so-called “fitness cliff,” when many people stop going to the gym. ***Boy, don’t I know it – that’s when the resolution to lose weight failed for me as well. February 9th… 1989.
Should you believe all of those text messages you’re sent from your friends? Turns out a lot of them aren’t completely honest. There’s a good chance that about 11% of the text messages you send and receive are deceptive. This is according to researchers at Cornell University, who examined nearly 5,400 texts and found that 10.7% of them are used to tell people we’re some place we’re not, or that we “have to go” when we really just want to end a conversation. ***I’d give you the rest of the story, but I’m in Kenya and kinda busy right now.
A new study shows that kids who watch too much TV develop poor social skills. ***Meaning Miley Cyrus was more than likely raised in front of a Magnavox big screen.
A study in the journal Body Image indicates many overweight people do not know they’re obese. ***(Whew!) Good thing I’m not one of those poor fat slobs!
AS THE JUNGLE TURNS
CLICK HERE TO DOWNLOAD WEDNESDAY’S EPISODE
OPEN: And now, FancyMonkey.com, (Show Name), and (Station Call Letters) bring you As the Jungle Turns! Last time, Racquet the skunk was lost in the deep dark jungle at night looking for his crayons –and the rest of the animals decided to go out and look for him. Unfortunately, they all got lost too!
CLOSE: So the crayons are lost, Racquet is lost, the rest of the jungle animals are lost, and the Rabbit family is never going to get their picture done! What else could possibly go wrong? Is there a way out of this crayon conundrum? Find out next time, as FancyMonkey.com, (Show Name), and (Station Call Letters) bring you another exciting episode of As the Jungle Turns!
***You may simulcast “As the Jungle Turns” on the Internet stream of your live broadcast only. Any other Internet use of “As the Jungle Turns” in whole or part including podcasting of your live broadcast is a violation of copyright law. Thank you for your cooperation on this vitally important issue. If you have any questions, please e-mail us and ask about “Jungle Jam & Friends the Radio Show” usage.
MOMENT OF DUH
How dangerous are computer games, really?
Joseph Langenderfer of Dunedin, Florida, got fed up with his 22-year-old son Tim playing computer games instead of doing any chores. When Tim still hadn’t done his laundry, his dad got his gun and threatened to shoot out the computer monitor. Langenderfer says the gun accidentally discharged and the bullet hit the wall, about three feet from where Tim was sitting. His son called 911 and told police his dad shot at him, and Langenderfer was jailed on attempted murder charges. ***MARLAR: See? Computer games DO lead to violence!
TOP TEN QUESTIONS TO ASK YOURSELF TO KNOW IF YOU’RE TOO OLD TO DRIVE
10. Do you think the new Cadillacs are too small?
9. Do your hands always stay on the sides of the steering wheel, even when you’re turning a corner?
8. Does it take you more than four minutes to get out of your car?
7. When you parallel park, do you just back up until you hear something?
6. Does it scare you to get your car up to the speed limit?
5. Have you passed another vehicle in the last three years?
4.Do you use cruise control because your leg fell asleep?
3. In the last six months, have you checked to see if your turn signal is on?
2. Does your bumper sticker mention Eisenhower?
1. When the police pull you over, are they amazed to find out you’re sober?
THE FILES OF LAW & DISORDER
Today’s files of Law & Disorder contain a helpful tip. Never jump over a fence unless you know what’s on the other side!
FILE #1: Tyler, Texas police surprised a couple of men nosing around the Classic Toyota lot late at night. When the men spotted the cops, they took off, with one of them jumping over a nearby fence in an effort to get away. No doubt as soon as he hit the ground, the man knew he had made a serious mistake. He had jumped into a yard containing a couple of Rottweiler dogs. Big Rottweilers. Big, mean, Rottweilers. Making a quick decision about the lesser of two evils, the man jumped back over the fence and into the arms of the cops.
FILE #2: In Lodi, California, police arrested three generations of the same family who all went shoplifting together at a local Target and allegedly tried to steal $900 bucks worth of merchandise. 59-year-old grandmother Linda Robinson was joined by her 36-year-old daughter, Anna Fernandez and Anna’s four kids ages 17, 14, 8 and 5! The entire crew was caught on surveillance video cutting open boxes and hiding MP3 players, digital cameras, DVDs, jewelry and sports equipment in purses, bags and a backpack. Police say the 5-year-old actually had a pack of gum! Grandma and her daughter are now facing eight years in prison. The two teenage sons will face charges in juvenile court. The two smaller kids were released to relatives and won’t face any charges.
FILE #3: If you’re going to rob a bank, the city bus should not be your getaway vehicle of choice. In Sandy Springs, Georgia, police arrested 22-year-old Channel Monae Gaskin after allegedly robbing a local bank. She was arrested after police spotted her waiting at a bus stop to make her getaway. Sandy Springs police Lt. Steve Rose said, “That just wasn’t too bright.” After being given a bag of cash from a bank teller, she ran across a parking lot to a restaurant, where a dye bomb exploded and sprayed orange-colored ink on her and the money. Kind of made her easy to spot.
STRANGE LAW: In Michigan, under state law, dentists are officially classified as “mechanics.”
THIS IS YOUR BRAIN ON DRUGS
An unsuccessful robber shot himself in the foot, literally.
Police said Kelvin Ethelbert Roberts botched his plans to rob a Cherryville, North Carolina convenience store by accidentally shooting his right foot with a .45-caliber handgun. The gun apparently hit the ground and went off, with a bullet striking Roberts in the foot. Authorities said Roberts was in illegal possession of the gun because of his felony cocaine possession conviction in 2002 in Chautauqua County, New York. ***MARLAR: Sounds like cocaine might still be affecting his thinking.
How did your Valentine surprise you yesterday?
BIBLE BRAIN BUSTER!
QUESTION: Jesus told a parable of a servant who owed the king _____ talents.
ANSWER: 10,000 (Matthew 18:24)
QUESTION: What do bullet proof vests, fire escapes, windshield wipers, and laser printers all have in common?
ANSWER: All invented by women.
TRUE OR FALSE
Pay attention! If our next player doesn’t answer all ten T/F questions correctly we start all over from question #1! First person to answer question #10 correctly is our winner!
1. Joe DiMaggio had more home runs than strikeouts during his career. (True!)
2. “Hang On Sloopy” is the official rock song of Ohio. (True)
3. The wingspan of a Boeing 747 jet is longer than the Wright Brothers’ first flight. (True)
4. The first videotape recorder was made in 1956 and was the size of an microwave. (False – it was much larger, the size of a piano.)
5. The Hollywood sign was originally conceived as a real estate ad. (True. First erected in 1923, it originally read Hollywoodland. The sign stands 50 feet tall, stretches 450 feet across, weighs 450,000 pounds.)
6. The Jordanian city Amman was once called Chicago. (False! It was once called Philadelphia though!)
7. The Pacific Ocean is saltier than the Atlantic Ocean. (False… it’s vice versa)
8. The border between Canada and the U.S. is the world’s longest frontier. It stretches 3,987 miles (True… 6,416 km).
9. The Eiffel Tower was built for the 1889 World’s Fair. (True)
10. The flag of Mexico is the only national flag that is flown differently during times of peace or war. (False, it’s the flag of the Philippines. A portion of the flag is blue, while the other is red. The blue portion is flown on top in time of peace and the red portion is flown in war time.)
TABLOID MATCH GAME
You have to match the blank in the tabloid headline with the word or phrase that has been removed!
MAN EATS _________ AT MIAMI’S TOP BBQ (HIS OWN WEIGHT)
MIAMI – A man set the world record for eating meat (in pounds) at Miami’s premier BBQ restaurant.
In what started as a normal family dining experience at a popular Miami BBQ restaurant, ingestion experts are now calling it “impossible,” “improbable,” “freak of nature” and, of course “repulsive.”
A Brooklyn man visiting Miami over the long weekend has eaten his weight in barbecue meats over a period of 7.5 hours at Sparky’s Roadside Barbecue in downtown Miami. Sparky’s proprietor, Kevin Kehoe, remarked, “Blew my mind! This guy comes in with his family and orders a half rack of ribs and a pulled pork sandwich, like any normal dude, but he just wouldn’t stop. The guy was inhaling everything. We almost ran out of meat.”Starting at about 5:15 p.m., the restaurant staff confirmed, the man started his dinner and upon finishing his first entrees, asked for the menu and proceeded to order everything else – multiple times. Pulled pork and smoked chicken thighs were the favorites in his eating binge that proceeded well past the restaurant’s closing hours. Recognizing something special was happening – Sparky’s remained open and actually fired up its specialty Friedrich smoker to prepare more food. Several items came off the smoker in time to keep his eating fest going.
The man’s family – who has requested anonymity as they go through counseling – both emotional and financial – was at first passive at the picnic table seating in the restaurant. But as the eating procession continued, they became more and more excited and even began to cheer. “Go baby backs; go smoked duck; go pulled pork; go catfish; go jerk chicken, go Mahi Mahi, go chopped chicken…” It’s still not clear if the man had planned to compete in this weekend’s Miami marathon… but he certainly was well fueled to make the distance.
But in all the rejoicing, there were some sad faces amongst the Sparky’s side dishes… as the man, in his quest for meat, refused to eat the mac & cheese, collard greens, baked beans, cole slaw, corn or even mashed potatoes. Only the banana pudding got the nod, as the final course on the eating spree – which concluded 168 pounds (and two bathroom breaks) later.
“We need a bigger smoker,” Mr. Kehoe said to his manager, Lisa.
THE WAY TOO EARLY IN THE MORNING TO UNDERSTAND THE PUNCHLINE EVEN AFTER TWO CUPS OF COFFEE JOKE OF THE DAY
A veterinarian was feeling ill and went to see her doctor. The doctor asked her all the usual questions, about symptoms, how long had they been occurring, etc., when she interrupted him:
“Hey look, I’m a vet and I don’t need to ask my patients these kind of questions: I can tell what’s wrong just by looking.” She smugly added, “Why can’t you?”
The doctor nodded, stood back, looked her up and down, quickly wrote out a prescription, handed it to her and said, “There you are. Of course, if that doesn’t work, we’ll have to have you put to sleep.”
A woman was taking her time browsing through everything at a friend’s yard sale, and said to her, “My husband is going to be very angry I stopped at a yard sale.”
“I’m sure he’ll understand when you tell him about all the bargains you found,” her friend replied.
“Normally, yes,” she said. “But he just broke his leg, and he’s waiting for me to take him to the hospital to have it set.”
A minister was planning a wedding at the close of the Sunday morning service. After the benediction, he had planned to call the couple down for a brief ceremony in front of the congregation. For the life of him, he couldn’t think of the names of those who were to be married. ”Will those wanting to get married please come to the front?” he requested. Immediately, nine single ladies, three widows, four widowers, and six single men stepped to the front.
A movie company in Korea wants to use digital imagery to bring the late Bruce Lee back to the movie screen. ***It’s amazing what they can do with digital technology nowadays. There’s another rumor that, using digital technology, the next Pauly Shore movie may actually have a good script and believable acting. (Kidding… even technology can’t do that!)
McDonald’s has opened its first cyber-restaurant in Tel Aviv with 20 computer terminals so customers can surf the Web while eating their burgers and fries. ***Although you’re probably better off health-wise if you simply chow down on the computer keyboard.
A man was going up to bed, when his wife told him he’d left the light on in the garden shed – she could see it from the bedroom window. But he said that he hadn’t been in the shed that day. He looked himself, and there were people in the shed, stealing things.
He rang the police, but they told him that no one was in his area, so no one was available to catch the thieves. He said OK, hung up, counted to 30 and rang the police again.
“Hello. I just rang you a few seconds ago because there were people in my shed? Well, you don’t have to worry about them now, I’ve just shot them all.”
Within five minutes there were half a dozen police cars in the area, an Armed Response unit, the works. Of course, they caught the burglars red-handed. One of the policeman said to this man: “I thought you said you’d shot them!”
He replied, “I thought you said there were no cops available!”
IT MUST BE TRUE BECAUSE I HEARD IT ON THE RADIO!
IT’S HOTTER THAN…
You’ve heard people say that something is “hotter than Hell…” but have you ever wondered just how hot that was?
…Well, according to professor Dieter Huerwitz, it’s ten-thousand-500-degrees Fahrenheit. He says human souls can survive there because souls don’t burn under 12-thousand degrees Fahrenheit. ***MARLAR: It seems to me that this guy has been standing next to some type of heat source for way too long… it’s melted his brain!
TIME WELL SPENT
By: Joseph J. Mazzella
I like to spend some time every now and then just looking out on the graveyard that lies next to my backyard. Now some people may think that this is foolish and others may think it is even a bit weird, but to me it is always time well spent.
I get a wonderful sense of peace when I look upon those beautiful, old gravestones. They remind me that life is a very precious thing and should always be lived in love and joy. They remind me that I don’t have forever and that if I am going to live I have to live today. They remind me that the moments of my life should never be wasted and that my time on this world should always be time well spent.
I know that this is why I still hug my children and tell them I love them so often. I know that this is why I still share my joy so freely with my family and friends. I know that this is why I still love and pet my dogs and cats everyday. I know that this is why I still take nature walks, read inspirational books, and listen to beautiful, uplifting music. I know that this is why I still smile, laugh, dance, and sing. I know that this is why I still write and share all that I know, all that I am, and all that I am becoming.
Don’t waste your own time on this wonderful world. Make your everyday, your every hour, and your every second time well spent. Make your life a glorious gift of love and joy that you give freely to God, yourself, and all those around you. Remember, one day you and I and everyone else will leave this world. Let’s not leave here with a soul full of regrets. Let’s spend every second rejoicing in and sharing love, kindness, goodness, joy, and delight. Let’s go to meet God knowing that we died living and that our time was very well spent.
DRIVE TIME DEVOTIONAL
Read: Proverbs 16:1-9
A man’s heart plans his way, but the Lord directs his steps. —Proverbs 16:9
Life-changing events do not happen by accident. They are not determined by the stars. They are not by chance. There is no such thing as chance. The Lord uses every situation in life to accomplish His purposes.
Frank W. Boreham (1871-1959), British pastor and essayist, said, “It was not by chance that Elijah and Ahab met on the grassy slopes of Carmel. It was not by chance that Herod and John met on the highways in Galilee. It was not by chance that Pilate and Jesus met in the judgment hall at Jerusalem. It was not by chance that Peter and Cornelius met on the Syrian seaboard. It was not by chance that Philip and the Ethiopian met on the sandy road to Gaza. It was not by chance that Nero and Paul met amid the antique splendors of ancient Rome. . . . No, our meetings are no more by chance than the meeting of Stanley and Livingstone in Central Africa.”
We should begin each day with a sincere desire to please the Lord, gladly anticipating His appointments for us. They may be circumstances that are unplanned, or the people we meet unexpectedly. But we should welcome them as opportunities to witness, to serve others, and to grow spiritually.
Recognizing God’s sovereign leading, let us rejoice in His appointments. —Richard De Haan
All things work out for good, we know—
Such is God’s great design;
He orders all our steps below
For purposes divine. —Peterson
The stops of a good man are ordered by the Lord as well as his steps. —Müller
FIRST DATE FIASCO
A tip for guys trying to impress a woman on a first date — don’t shoot yourself!
Susan MacDonald and Kim Barnes’ first date was going well, until Barnes accidentally misfired a gun and shot himself in the leg. Kim Barnes (the man in this story – despite his first name) is a former US Air Force fighter pilot and has handled guns all his life. But he accidentally shot himself with his semi-automatic pistol during the date. The irony is, he was trying to demonstrate to his date, Susan, how kids often accidentally shoot themselves. Fortunately for him, his date works in a hospital and was able to help him until the paramedics arrived. “I certainly hope I get a second date,” Susan said. “He is a lovely man.” Barnes said he’s hoping for another “shot” as well.
LIFE… LIVE IT
THE PRINTER INK RIP-OFF
Want to know how to save a little money (or a LOT) on your printer’s ink jet cartridges? I’ll give you the secrets to a long cartridge life!
In the entire world there is nothing as expensive as an inkjet cartridge. No… really! If the ink were gasoline, it would cost you $175,000 to fill your gas tank – that’s how expensive those little buggers are! You go out and you buy an inkjet printer – and it comes with ink cartridges, but they are only partially filled and do not last very long at all. The printer company want you to go in debt getting those printer cartridges almost immediately. So you buy more printer cartridges… and more… and more… it seems like it never ends! It wouldn’t be so bad, except that a typical ink jet cartridge costs $30 or $40 bucks! But, get this… it only takes $3 to $4 to produce an ink jet replacement cartridge. Yep… you’re paying for a cartridge TEN TIMES OVER! The printer makers say the mark up is due to research and development costs… yeah right! So, what can you do? The first thing to remember is that your printer lies to you! A lot of people see the printer telling them the ink is running out, and they pop in another cartridge. But your printer is lying. The trick is to squeeze every last drop of ink out of the cartridge. Ignore the warnings. Keep a replacement handy, but keep printing using that first cartridge. And when the ink really starts to run out, pop in the new cartridge, right? No. You can still get a few more pages sometimes. Take out the cartridge and shake it, bang it on your desk a couple of times, then put it back in. That doesn’t always work, but it does sometimes. Another answer comes from the “compatibles” and the “remanufactureds”… the generic cartridges made from scratch and used cartridges that are refurbished, refilled and sold at a fraction of the original price.
JUST FOR FUN
SHE SHOULD’VE JUST SHOT HER MOUTH OFF
Ever had someone hate your music so much they pointed a shotgun at you and fired?
They say if the music is too loud, you’re too old… and here’s a perfect example of that. You don’t want to play your radio too loud around 80-year-old Lillie Clouse of Toledo, Ohio. Lillie lives right across the street from the Lucas County jail, but this morning she’s sitting inside that jail after she fired a shotgun at the car of a man parked in front of her house because he was playing his radio too loud. The bad news is, while she missed the guy, shotgun pellets actually struck two kids who were standing nearby. Fortunately, the kids weren’t actually hurt because the round had lost all its power from sitting in the shotgun for 42 years! Police said Lillie did ask the guy to turn the music down first, but when he refused, the 5-foot, 108-pound, 80-year-old woman went into her home, got the shotgun and fired!
TOP FIVE SIGNS YOU NEED TO SKIP SPRING CLEANING AND START CLEANING NOW
People keep slipping on the pumpkin remnants on the porch
There’s a dust bunny for every song on your iPod
Something inside the refrigerator just growled
Not one needle left on the Christmas tree
“Romney 2012” is written in dust on your coffee table
MORE SHOW PREP STUFF…
According to new research, grumpy is good.
Researchers at the University of New South Wales in Sydney, Australia, have determined that grumpy people are not only better at decision-making, but also less gullible. Lead study author and psychology professor Joe Forgas says cheerfulness fosters creativity, while gloominess breeds attentiveness and careful thinking, reports the BBC News. Why? Grumpy people are better able than happy people to cope with demanding situations because of the way the brain promotes information processing strategies. “Whereas positive mood seems to promote creativity, flexibility, co-operation and reliance on mental shortcuts, negative moods trigger more attentive, careful thinking, paying greater attention to the external world,” Forgas wrote in Australian Science Magazine. ***MARLAR: All of that to say Oscar the Grouch is probably smarter than Cookie Monster.
OTHER STUFF I WANT TO CRAM INTO TODAY’S PREP
February 9th has come and gone. Are you still on track with your New Year’s fitness resolutions? According to Gold’s Gym, probably not. The fitness organization studied their check-in data and after crunching the numbers determined that February 9 is the so-called “fitness cliff,” when many people stop going to the gym. However, they also have some suggestions if you are still working out or wanting to try again. Ideas include:
1. Use the buddy system
2. Don’t beat yourself up if you get off track
3. Embrace technology: Fitness bands and meal-tracking apps are more than just cool technology — they’re full of helpful data.
4. Put it in writing
Twenty dollars for an A? Ten dollars for a B? Some might view paying kids for good grades as an incentive. Others might see it as a bribe. But the reality is that paying for good grades may not be the most effective way to motivate your children to do well in school, according to Jared Durtschi, a Kansas State University family studies and human services professor. While monetary compensation for grades may be effective in some cases, parents should know the practice could actually backfire and decrease their child’s motivation to perform well in school. How? Cash for grades can cause students’ motivation to work hard in school to shift from an internal motivation — that is, being motivated by how it will make them feel — to an external one that is driven by the reward they will receive. In some cases, paying for good grades can be an effective method to motivate students who don’t feel driven to succeed on their own. But above all, it’s important to let your child know you believe he or she is capable of achieving highly.
Do your joints crack in the morning? It’s nothing to worry about. When your first get out of bed everything cracks. It is only your joints preparing for the day ahead. As you move during the day, bubbles form in the fluid that lubricates your joins, says Greg Kawchuk, Ph.D., D.C., a professor of rehabilitation medicine at the University of Alberta. When they collapse, you hear them pop. It’s a harmless phenomenon and it might even help your joints glide as you move. Now if a joint cracks every time you move it, that is different: it could be a tendon snapping against a bone as the result of an injury, a change in your workout routine, or a muscle imbalance. Ask a physical therapist or doctor for advice. Finally, if every pop is painful, talk to your doctor; it could be a sign of arthritis, but know that cracking joints don’t appear to cause the condition. (Men’s Health)
Thinking about what you ate at noon could keep you from inhaling a pizza pie the size of Texas at 3pm. In a study published in the journal Physiology and Behavior, people were asked to taste test three types of salted popcorn and were told they could eat as much as they wanted. Interestingly, those who were first asked to recall what they had for lunch consumed about 30 percent less popcorn than the rest of the volunteers, who were asked to recall a meal from the previous day.
A new study found that having this can cut down on family arguments? A pet. According to a new study, kids generally like the family pet more than their siblings, especially if it’s a dog. The researchers found that kids love their siblings, but still see them as competitors for everything from new toys to getting love from their parents. They don’t have those issues with a dog. It gives them unconditional love and companionship, and they feel like they can safely share secrets with the dog, even though it doesn’t understand.
Advertisers know what they’re doing when targeting kids. According to researchers at Stanford University, 50% of children say food from a package decorated with cartoon characters tastes better. And when given a choice, the vast majority of children chose the food from the package with the characters as their snack. Researchers presented 40 children ages 4 to 6 with clear bags of graham crackers, gummy fruit snacks and baby carrots. Each bag was identical, except one of the packages had a sticker of Shrek, Dora the Explorer or Scooby Doo on it. Almost 55% of the children said that the food with the sticker on it tasted better than the same food in a plain bag. Between 73% and 85% said they’d rather eat the food associated with the cartoon character.
If your toddler smears the high chair tray with his pudding, strings spaghetti from the chair or dumps oatmeal on his head, don’t despair: Messy eaters learn more. That’s the word from researchers at the University of Iowa, who have concluded that toddlers are better able to learn language when they get messy with their food. Led by Larissa Samuelson, an associate professor in psychology, the team studied how 16-month-old children learn words for nonsolid objects — from oatmeal to glue. The toddlers who interacted the most with the foods (parents, interpret as you want) were more likely to correctly identify them by their texture and name them. The setting mattered, too, it seems. Researched found that children in a high chair were more apt to identify and name the food than those in other venues, such as seated at a table.
It’s old Southern wisdom: If momma ain’t happy, no one’s gonna be happy.” But there could be more than happiness at stake. For middle-aged and older adults, having a happy spouse could mean better health for you, according to researchers from Michigan State University in East Lansing. Previous research has suggested that happy people also tend to be healthy people. But what effect does one person’s happiness have on the most intimate of interpersonal relationships: marriage? If a wife is happy, could that make her husband healthier — even if he’s a grumpy old man? The short answer is yes. A study found those who said they had a happy spouse were far more likely to report better health for themselves over time — over and above their personal level of happiness. Simply having a happy partner may enhance health as much as striving to be happy oneself.
AND I LEAVE YOU WITH THIS THOUGHT
Have you noticed since everyone has a camcorder these days no one talks about seeing UFOs like they used to?
People are not rejecting Christ as much as they are rejecting angry Christianity.
Before marriage, a man yearns for the woman he loves. After marriage, the ‘Y’ becomes silent.
In the US, it takes more brainpower to fill out the income tax forms than it does to earn the income in the first place.
Strange how people who don’t even know their neighbors are extremely curious to know if there’s extra-terrestrial life.
“Hay fever is the real Flower Power.” — Leonard Louis Levinson
Worry is the darkroom in which negatives are developed.
THE TICKET Movie Reviews with MARIE ASNER
Marie Asner has been reviewing films for over 35 years. Her outlets include radio, print and Internet. For more in-depth movie reviews of the following films, visit www.Tollbooth.org. Ratings from 1 (Low) to 5 (High).
FEBRUARY 10, 2017…
The Lego Batman Movie—It had to happen. Legos are so popular that now “Batman” has gotten into the craze and done a Lego movie. What next? “Gone With The Wind” with Lego’s? Not out of the realm of possibility. In this “Batman” film, he has to learn to work together with others (no longer the lone Caped Crusader”). Voices of Will Arnett, Michael Cera and Rosario Dawson. “The Lego Batman Movie” is rated PG. Rating of 2 for fans.
John Wick: Chapter Two—Who would have thought the character of John Wick would become popular, too. Such is the case of this Keanu Reeves film in which he comes out of retirement to foil a secret plot. Aren’t they all. “John Wick: Chapter Two” is rated R. Rating of 2 for fans.
Fifty Shades Darker—The books were best sellers, but are the films continuing so? At least, another one has been made with the same characters starring Dakota Johnson and Jamie Dorman. In this episode, they have a new “arrangement?” Read between the lines. “Fifty Shades Darker” is rated R and is an adult movie. No rating.
FEBRUARY 17, 2017…
Fist Fight stars Ice Cube and Charlie Day as two teachers with a grudge.
Toni Erdmann is a foreign film in which the father disguises himself as a woman to spy on his teenage daughter
The Great Wall is an action film about China’s Great Wall and stars Matt Damon.
A Cure For Wellness is a thriller about a mysterious spa. Stars Dane DeHaan.
# # # # #
WARNING: Don’t believe anything you read on the Internet or email (including stuff you read here) unless you can confirm it with another source, and/or it is consistent with what you already know to be true. The opinions in this publication are not necessarily those of Darren Marlar, Marlar House Entertainment, OnAirPrep.com, or any company or organization affiliated with aforementioned. (Regardless of how stupid you may think those opinions are. So there – nyah!)
Darren Marlar credits all non-original material to the author whenever possible. All other material is original, used with permission, or author unknown. We welcome all comments, questions, and suggestions. Darren can be reached via his website at www.DarrenMarlar.com.