February 16, 2016: Tuesday ONAIRprep

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PRINTER FRIENDLY VERSION: 20160216

 

 

WELCOME TO THE SHOW!

 

Teenager (noun) – a person who is well prepared for a zombie apocalypse, but not prepared for tomorrow’s math test.

 

When I die I want to die like my grandmother who died peacefully in her sleep… not screaming like all the passengers in her car.

 

Why are there never any good side-effects?  Just once I’d like to read a label on a bottle that says “May cause extreme sexiness.”

 

I’m running a bit of a fever this morning. But it’s okay. It’s the first time all winter I’ve been warm.

 

I was in a car wreck and my lawyer said he’d work to get damages for my car.  Um, why would I want MORE damages to my car?  I fired him.

 

 

BIBLE VERSE OF THE DAY

Fight the good fight of the faith. Take hold of the eternal life to which you were called when you made your good confession in the presence of many witnesses. –1 Timothy 6:12

 

For God so loved the world that he gave his one and only Son, that whoever believes in him shall not perish but have eternal life. — John 3:16

 

[Jesus said,] “I am the vine; you are the branches. If a man remains in me and I in him, he will bear much fruit; apart from me you can do nothing. This is to my Father’s glory, that you bear much fruit, showing yourselves to be my disciples.” — John 15:5,8

 

 

HEARTLIGHT DAILY VERSE, PRAYER & THOUGHT

(From VerseOfTheDay.com)

My dear children, I write this to you so that you will not sin. But if anybody does sin, we have one who speaks to the Father in our defense — Jesus Christ, the Righteous One. He is the atoning sacrifice for our sins, and not only for ours but also for the sins of the whole world. — 1 John 2:1-2

 

Thought: John wants to prevent even one sinful event in the lives of those he loves. He is concerned because he knows that even one sinful event can be used by Satan to discourage and defeat us. We need to know that we have a Savior and a defender. He paid the price to redeem us, he sent his Spirit to help us overcome sin’s power, and he will speak to the Father and claim that right to forgive us.

 

Prayer: Father, I’m embarrassed by my weakness and vulnerability when I sin. Even in those moments of shame, I’m thankful that Jesus provided me the way back into your holy presence. Jesus, I thank you for coming to my rescue and my defense. I will not let Satan discourage me when I fall. Instead, I re-commit myself to live with your character and for your glory. In your name, Lord Jesus, my defender, I pray. Amen.

 

The Thoughts and Prayers for Today’s Verse are written by Phil Ware. You can email questions or comments to phil@heartlight.org.

 

 

BIRTHDAY VERSE” OF THE DAY

The chapter and verse corresponds to the month and the day!

2 Thessalonians 2:16 NIV = May our Lord Jesus Christ himself and God our Father, who loved us and by his grace gave us eternal encouragement and good hope

 

 

TODAY IS TUESDAY – FEBRUARY 16, 2016

(NOTE: Some holidays may be duplicated due to various calendars reporting conflicting dates)
WEIRD, WACKY, STRANGE, ZANY, ODD, BIZARRE, QUIRKY, UNUSUAL HOLIDAYS!
THERE ARE ONLY 312 SHOPPING DAYS UNTIL CHRISTMAS.   

 

Today is NATIONAL STICKY BUNS DAY.  *** Nothing special about it… I just like saying “Sticky Buns”.

 

Today is NATIONAL DO A GROUCH A FAVOR DAY.  *** Buy him a sticky bun!

 

Today is NATIONAL SPIT DAY.  *** Kinda sounds like something you’d like to do to a grouch if it weren’t already Do A Grouch A Favor Day.  Doesn’t it?

 

 

TODAY IS ALSO. . .

Kyoto Protocol Day

National Almond Day

 

 

COMING UP NEXT

WEDNESDAY, FEBRUARY 17

Champion Crab Races Day

My Way Day

National PTA Founders Day

World Human Spirit Day

 

THURSDAY, FEBRUARY 18

Battery Day

Cow Milked While Flying In An Airplane Day

Eat Ice Cream For Breakfast Day

The Great American Spit Out

National Drink Wine Day

National Hate Florida Day

Pluto Day

 

FRIDAY, FEBRUARY 19

Best Friends Day (Spongebob Squarepants)

Chocolate Mint Day

National Lashes Day

Women in Blue Jeans Days

Iwo Jima Day

 

SATURDAY, FEBRUARY 20

Love Your Pet Day

Northern Hemisphere Hoodie Hoo Day

World Day for Social Justice

 

SUNDAY, FEBRUARY 21

International Mother Language Day

World Information Architecture Day

Daytona 500

 

MONDAY, FEBRUARY 22

87th Academy Awards Ceremony

Museum Advocacy Day

National Margarita Day

Woolworth’s Day

World Thinking Day

George Washington’s Birthday

Tex Avery Day

 

TUESDAY, FEBRUARY 23

Curling is Cool Day

Diesel Engine Day

Iwo Jima Day (flags should be raised)

National Dog Biscuit Day

 

 

ON THIS DAY

1868: The Jolly Corks organization in New York City changed its name to the Benevolent and Protective Order of Elks.

 

1937: Du Pont research chemist Wallace Carothers received a patent for nylon.

 

1959: Fidel Castro became premier of Cuba after overthrowing Fulgencio Batista.

 

1963: The Beatles moved to the top of the British rock charts with “Please, Please Me” one month after the record was released.

 

1968: The first 911 emergency telephone system in the U.S. was operational in Haleyville, Alabama. (audio clip)

 

1972: Los Angeles Lakers great Wilt Chamberlain topped the 30,000-point mark in his career during a game against the Phoenix Suns.

 

1980: At the Winter Olympics in Lake Placid, New York, American speed skater Eric Heiden captured the second of five gold medals, while the U.S. hockey team defeated Norway 5-1.

 

1990: The National Museum of Wales displayed the largest dead leatherback turtle ever washed ashore. Nose to tail, it measured 9 feet 5 inches and weighed 2,016 pounds. Most museums won’t exhibit large dead turtles because they can drip oil for 50 years.

 

1993: A Norwegian bandit escaped with $5,000 from an Oslo bank, only to be arrested two hours later when he returned and tried to deposit the money in a new account at the same bank. He told police he was afraid of being robbed and wanted to put the money someplace safe.

 

1994: Reporter Dianne Sawyer signed a contract with ABC News that would pay her $7-million a year.

 

1994: Police patrolman Douglas Skinner stopped a motorist in Fort Dodge, Iowa, for running a red light. The driver’s registration and insurance documents turned out to be Skinner’s, stolen five months earlier.

 

1997: A 25-year-old Cuban man was rescued from a well he had fallen down in Las Tunas nine days earlier. Argelio Cabrera suffered a broken leg from the fall. His screams finally were heard by a group of passing fishermen.

 

1998: A driver ticketed in Great Falls, Montana, for doing 104 miles an hour in a 45 zone told police he had washed his truck and was just trying to dry it off. He was cited for reckless drying.

 

2002: A Whitewater, Wisconsin, couple told the Associated Press they had to keep their bathroom doors closed or their cats Boots and Bandit, would flush the toilets all night. Russ and Sandy Asbury said they had no idea how the cats learned to flush, but obviously they enjoy it. He said the cats also were proficient at turning the bathroom lights on and off and unrolling the toilet paper.

 

2004: The Walt Disney Company rejected a takeover bid by Comcast Corporation.

 

2006: The U.N. Commission on Human Rights called on the U.S. government to “close immediately the detention center in Guantanamo Bay.”

 

 

TODAY IN CHRISTIAN HISTORY

1497: German scholar and reformer Philipp Melanchthon is born in Bretten, Baden. He and Luther were at times allies (he defended Luther against Johann van Eck and Emperor Charles V) and at other times enemies (Luther thrashed him for his views on the Sacrament, but apologized on his deathbed). Melanchthon’s argument for justification by faith alone, known as the Augsburg Confession, is now the basic statement of Lutheran doctrine.

 

1801: The African Methodist Episcopal Zion Church receives its charter. Five years earlier, black members of New York City’s John’s Street Methodist Episcopal Zion Church left the church over racist limitations imposed on them. They had not been allowed to preach or vote until Bishop Francis Asbury allowed them to hold their own meetings apart from the John’s Street church.

 

 

HOLLYWOOD, SPORTS AND CELEBRITY FIGURE BIRTHDAYS

  • tennis pro John McEnroe is 57
  • Actor (“Law & Order: SVU”) Ice-T (Tracy Morrow) 58
  • actress (Tuesday from the original “Addams Family” TV show) Lisa Loring 58 (audio clip)
  • actor (Jordie LaForge on “Star Trek: the Next Generation”) LeVar Burton 59 (audio clip)
  • actor (“Greatest American Hero”) William Katt 65 (audio clip)

 

 

BEE-BOP BIRTHDAYS

(Music Artist Birthdays From SongFacts.com)

1904 : Ted Mack

1914 : Tex Beneke

1915 : Lorne Greene

1923 : Mel Powell

1935 : Gene McDaniels

1939 : Ray Manzarek (The Doors)

1944 : Moe Bandy

1948 : Joe Schermie (Three Dog Night)

1949 : Stanley Knight (Black Oak Arkansas)

1950 : Steve Hackett (Genesis)

1952 : Michael McDonald (The Doobie Brothers, Steely Dan)

1959 : Omar Hakim (Weather Report)

1968 : Chynna Phillips

1970 : Jim Creeggan (Barenaked Ladies)

 

 

SECRETS OF THE UNIVERSE

Why do we say that the person receiving the largest share of something has gotten the lion’s share?

Do you think it’s always desirable to get the lion’s share? Suppose you are the one who receives the lion’s share. How do you think the lion feels about it? Would you want him to share his feelings with you? Most people probably assume that the expression stems from the idea of the lion being king of the beasts, the most ferocious and powerful individual in the jungle. Like the 800-pound gorilla, he always sits where he wants and takes as much as he chooses. That’s the right spirit, but the phrase’s origin is more specific. In an Aesop fable a lion, a cow, a sheep and a goat form a hunting party. They kill a deer and the lion divides it into four equal parts. He takes three of the parts – the lion’s share — and lets the others divide one. Then again, he’s a lion… would YOU question his arithmetic?

 

 

CHRISTIAN ARTIST NEWS

Do you like the Christian Artist News you see below? It’s just a tiny sample of the 5-6 pages of material you could be receive every weekday… and it’s FREE!  Become one of their subscribers at ChristianRadioShowPrepServices.com!

 

Don’t lose your backstage pass if you are part of the Rock and Worship Roadshow. A member of the band showed the replacement pass and it’s huge.

https://instagram.com/p/BBqej2DukSn/

 

Something new for Michael W Smith. He announced this week: I am thrilled to join the cast of The Passion Live in New Orleans. The musical event will be hosted by Tyler Perry LIVE from New Orleans on Palm Sunday, March 20 and will be aired on FOX. Michael will be playing the part of one of Jesus’ disciples.

http://twitter.com/michaelwsmith/status/697843827068006400/photo/1

 

Citizenway’s Ben Calhoun was watching Newsboys Drummer Duncan Phillips ride is spinning drum set this week. The bands are on the Rock and Worship Road Show together and Ben posted: when I saw this at 15 I was smiling.. 19 years later, I’m still smiling.

 

Not a good way to start a tour. Building 429’s Jason Roy this week posted a picture of his foot propped up on pillows in a walking cast. However, he added: never fear… it’s just a stress fracture in my heel. Jason promised: We are still ready to throw down on the Hits Deep Tour. The tour begins on February 18.

http://twitter.com/jasonroy429/status/697543550184112130/photo/1

 

From Mandisa on Valentines day, or as she calls it, Singles Awareness Day: rather than focusing on my lack of a husband, I choose awareness of God’s great love for me!

 

Jamie Grace released her Jamie Grace show video a day early for a specific reason. She released her Monday video on Sunday because it was Valentines Day and her video was titled What Not to Say to Singles. Jamie, who happens to be single, posted yesterday: “it’s crazy how being single often is translated to non-singles as being sad. Jamie added: You can be single and content. It’s possible, beautiful and healthy to be satisfied with where God has you right now.”

https://youtu.be/9R1IHAWEAzY

 

Building 429’s Aaron Branch was lighting fires on Valentines day. He taught his girls how to use a bow as a drill to start a fire in the fireplace. Aaron said: I’m a little rusty but still got it!

http://twitter.com/ABranch429/status/699023968095858689/video/1

 

Congratulations to Chris and Jodi of the group Love and the Outcome. Their baby boy was born over the weekend. The couple posted on facebook: Meet Milo Wolf Rademaker!! We are pretty obsessed with our Valentine.

http://twitter.com/loveandoutcome/status/698942489886113793/photo/1

 

Congratulations to Cloverton member Lance Stafford and his wife Gabriella. Lance announced over the weekend that their son Eli Justus Stafford arrived at 11:11 on February 11th.

https://www.instagram.com/p/BBswvMsRRMo/

 

To celebrate their first Valentines Day as a married couple, Colton Dixon surprised his new wife Annie with an UBER Serenade and HERSHEY’S KISSES, delivered to their favorite Nashville coffee shop, Revelator Coffee. According to the M Collective, the UBER Serenade is a live, in-person performance of a love song from a Nashville artist delivered to any location in minutes. Each serenade experience comes with a heart-shaped box of KISSES DELUXE chocolates. The Country trio Sister C showed up to serenade Colton and his new wife Friday morning.

https://t.e2ma.net/message/8zjkw/8vgrol

 

 

NEWS KICKERS

(No news on the weekends.)

 

NEW NEWS KICKERS…

Would you sign up for a voyage on the Titanic? You may have a chance. According to USA Today, despite delays, Australian billionaire Clive Palmer is promising that the Titanic II will set sail in 2018. Plans to create a replica of the Titanic, which sank in the Atlantic Ocean in April 1912, were first announced in 2012. However, setbacks in producing the ship have many questioning whether the nod to the ill-fated “unsinkable ship” will ever come to fruition. Plans call for a ship will be able to carry over 2,000 passengers and will be equipped with Turkish baths, swimming pools and exercise rooms.  ***And hopefully a few more life boats.  http://buff.ly/1PGBD1u

 

Donald Trump says he may sue Ted Cruz over Cruz being a Canadian.  ***In response, Cruz is planning on countersuing Trump for speaking in complete gibberish.

 

In The United States, The Northeast found itself in the not-so-warm embrace of teeth-chattering, record-shattering Valentine’s Day cold. Throughout the northeast, cities saw record low temperatures on Sunday. New York; Boston; Providence, Rhode Island; and Hartford, Connecticut have all become frozen wastelands. The National Weather Service said the temperature in New York City’s Central Park fell to minus-1, a record low for the date. Boston reached minus-9, breaking the record set in 1934 by 6 degrees. The storm was expected to bring 5 inches of snow to parts of Kentucky and up to 6 inches to parts of Tennessee.  ***Now that’s what I call “love on the rocks!”

 

A blind man was among the first to test out Google’s driverless car.  Steve Mahan, who is blind, had the chance to sit in the driver’s seat when he and a licensed driver took a ride in one of the vehicles nearly four years ago. Now his dream of being able to have more mobility is one step closer to becoming a reality. Earlier this month a federal ruling re-defined what can be classified as a driver. The National Highway Traffic Safety Administration will now allow the artificial intelligence system responsible for piloting self-driving cars to be considered the driver.  ***So now blind people can legally drive – meaning Chicago cab drivers now have a legitimate excuse to drive that way.

QUESTION: What do you think?  Are driverless cars a good idea if the passenger is blind?  The benefits are obvious, but what if something were to go wrong with the car at full speed on the highway and there as nobody who could see what was happening to take the wheel?

 

 

NEWS KICKER EVERGREENS…

According to a new study, fast food actually contains even more calories than we thought. ***That means that we’re getting more for our money. That’s a good thing, right?

 

Could the dictionary soon disappear from bookshelves?  It’s been in print for over a century, but in the future the Oxford English Dictionary may only be available to peruse online. Publisher Oxford University Press said that burgeoning demand for the dictionary’s online version has far outpaced demand for the printed versions. By the time the lexicographers behind the dictionary are finished revising and updating the latest edition — a gargantuan task that will take many more years — publishers are doubtful there will still be a market for the printed form.  The online Oxford English Dictionary now gets 2 million hits a month from subscribers. ***MARLAR: Or you can bypass them altogether and just use Spell-Check.

 

Can singing control pain?  Doctors at Royal North Shore Hospital in Sydney have been prescribing three half-hour singing sessions a week for three weeks as part of a pain management program.  ***MARLAR: Ironically, to induce the initial pain, they play songs from (Justin Bieber / Nickelback / Barry Manilow).

 

Lots of people talk to their dogs – but some people take it to a new level.  An American Animal Hospital Association poll shows that 33 percent of dog owners admit that they talk to their dogs on the phone or leave messages on an answering machine while away.  ***MARLAR: We used to do that for our cat –but she won’t even listen to us when we’re at home.

 

 

WONDER WOMAN

CLICK HERE TO DOWNLOAD TODAY’S EPISODE… “Petting Pets”

 

 

DAILY COMEDY CLIP

CLICK HERE TO DOWNLOAD TODAY’S EPISODE…  Cecile Kaiser, “Adam and Eve”

 

 

AS THE JUNGLE TURNS – WEEKDAY VERSION

CLICK HERE TO DOWNLOAD TUESDAY’S EPISODE  
OPEN: And now, FancyMonkey.com, (Show Name), and (Station Call Letters) bring you As the Jungle Turns!  When last we left the jungle, Racquet the Skunk made new badminton racquets for Gruffy, Sully, and Nozzles – but he made them defective so they’d break easily and his friends would have to keep buying new racquets.  Will his scheme work?  Let’s find out, As the Jungle Turns…

 

CLOSE: Double notched racquets – wouldn’t those break twice as easily as the single notched racquets?  We’ll find out next time, As the Jungle Turns!

 

 

AS THE JUNGLE TURNS – SATURDAY/SUNDAY VERSION

CLICK HERE TO DOWNLOAD THE EPISODE FOR THE WEEKEND OF FEBRUARY 20/21

 

OPEN: And now, FancyMonkey.com, (Show Name), and (Station Call Letters) bring you As the Jungle Turns!  When last we left the jungle, Louis the lion – currently the king of the jungle – decided he didn’t want to be king.  So all of the animals went out to find a new king… and they’ve found a really big throne – and a really big crown!  Then the animals asked Louis to try the crown on…

 

CLOSE: The searching has finally paid off!  The animals have finally found a new king!  Or have they?  This older lion seems to like to nap a lot.  What kind of king would he be?  Tune in again next time, for As the Jungle Turns!

 

***You may simulcast “As the Jungle Turns” on the Internet stream of your live broadcast only. Any other Internet use of “As the Jungle Turns” in whole or part including podcasting of your live broadcast is a violation of copyright law. Thank you for your cooperation on this vitally important issue. If you have any questions, please e-mail us and ask about “Jungle Jam & Friends the Radio Show” usage.

 

 

MOMENT OF DUH

A town’s message of congratulations to one of its citizens ends up as a big Moment of Duh.

14-year-old Caitlin Campbell couldn’t spell collyrium, and lost in the recent national spelling bee. However, she was good enough to place eighth and that was good enough for someone to put up a congratulatory billboard honoring her in her hometown of Amarillo, Texas. Too bad that well-intentioned son-of-a-gun couldn’t spell her name. The billboard read “Congratulations! Caitlin Cambell for making Amarillo proud.” Unfortunately they botched the last name – leaving the “p” out of Campbell. Lamar Outdoor Advertising, which donated the space, said it plans to replace the downtown sign with the correct spelling. And by the way, because we know it’s killing you, collyrium is a term for eye lotion.

 

 

TOP TEN

TOP TEN REASONS YOU SHOULD TITHE

 

  1. Your church started a new stewardship drive — every time you give, your chances of winning increase!

 

  1. The choir has started wearing their bathrobes during the service.

 

  1. The last few Sunday’s the Treasurer has gotten up half way through the service and turned the heat off.

 

  1. The Preacher has worn the same suit every Sunday for the past three years.

 

  1. The Deacons are starting to drool and growl as they collect the offering!

 

  1. The offering plates have been sold and replaced with ice cream buckets.

 

  1. The Treasurer has started wearing sackcloth and ashes!

 

  1. You tried to call the Church Office last week but found that the phone’s been disconnected!

 

  1. Parking meters had to be installed in the church parking lot.

 

  1. As a Christian you understand the privilege it is to have a partnership in the Gospel!

 

(Be expecting your pastor to be using these in an upcoming sermon!)

 

 

THE FILES OF LAW & DISORDER

There’s a big difference between being sick of the food and being sick in order to get it.

 

FILE #1: A 54-year-old man who routinely complained of fake chest pains to avoid paying the tab for restaurant meals may have gotten his just desserts. A judge in Maine sentenced Elias I. Elias on Friday to 90 days in jail after he pleaded guilty to theft of services. The sentence followed the recommendation of the district attorney, who said the August 5 incident at the Townhouse Restaurant marked the 13th time that Elias tried to skip out on the check by pretending he had trouble breathing and was having a heart attack. Authorities said Elias would order dinner and drinks, eat and enjoy, then fake his need for medical assistance when the check arrived. He would be taken to a local hospital but usually left before police arrived.

 

FILE #2: Some guys will do anything to meet the girl of their dreams. A British man was willing to get in trouble with the law to meet an attractive police woman. For three months Colin O’Neill kept parking his car illegally to get a date with traffic officer Doris Lemon. Finally the two connected when Lemon finally fined him for his traffic violation. Colin said, “When Doris booked me I didn’t mind because I thought she looked wonderful in her uniform.” Doris, who at first thought he was stalking her, obviously has similar feelings to Colin, because the two are getting married this December.

 

FILE #3: It was quite the predicament for an Oklahoma car salesman recently. Here’s the story: 27 year old Ryan Miller was sentenced to 5 weekends in jail on a misdemeanor charge but to avoid foreclosure on his home, he had to work over the weekend. So he called 30 year old Russell Maurer to see if he would go to jail for him – and he agreed. What Miller didn’t realize is that the guards remembered what he looked like from the previous week and now Miller could face life in prison. Meantime, Maurer could also face prison time if convicted of impersonation.

 

STRANGE LAW: In England it is illegal to leave baggage unattended.  And picking up abandoned baggage is as act of terrorism.

 

 

THIS IS YOUR BRAIN ON DRUGS

Sometimes you’re so desperate for a drink you could hold up someone at gunpoint to get one.

A robber in Hamburg, Germany told a store clerk he was having a bad day. Then he took out a 44-caliber pistol and made his demand… a single can of beer. The man was arrested a block away from the store. In his hands was a still cold — but now empty — beer can. When asked why he would commit armed robbery and only steal one can of beer, the man said “Well, since I had the gun, I only had one free hand.”

 

 

PHONER PHUN

What’s the strangest thing that someone has ever stolen from you?

 

 

BIBLE BRAIN BUSTER!

QUESTION: In the parable of the Good Samaritan, who were the first to see the wounded man on the roadside, and what did they do?
ANSWER: A priest and a Levite both saw the man, but gave him no assistance and passed by him on the other side of the road.  (Luke 10: 30-37)

 

 

QUESTION IMPOSSIBLE

QUESTION: What is the only food that doesn’t spoil?
ANSWER: Honey

 

 

TRUE OR FALSE

Pay attention!  If our next player doesn’t answer all ten T/F questions correctly we start all over from question #1!  First person to answer question #10 correctly is our winner!

 

  1. The largest body of fresh water in the world is Lake Michigan. (False, Lake Superior)

 

  1. The Pantheon is the largest building from ancient Rome that survives intact. (True)

 

  1. The smallest island with country status is Pitcairn in Polynesia, at just 1.75 square miles. (True)

 

  1. The tallest monument built in the United States is the Jefferson Memorial. (False, it’s the Gateway Arch, in St. Louis, Missouri, at 630 feet tall.)

 

  1. The Vatican’s Swiss Guard still wears a uniform designed by Michelangelo. (True, the design of the uniforms dates back to the 16th century)

 

  1. The water in the Great Salt Lake of Utah is twice as salty as any ocean. (False – it’s actually FOUR TIMES as salty!)

 

  1. The wettest spot in the world is located on the island of Kauai. (True – Mt. Waialeale consistently records rainfall at the rate of nearly 500 inches per year.)

 

  1. The world’s longest railway is in Peru. (True. The Central Railway climbs to 15,694 feet in the Galera tunnel, 108 miles from Lima. Tourists take it to get to the ruins of Machu Picchu.)

 

  1. The world’s tallest mountains, the Himalayas, are also the fastest growing. (True – their growth – about half an inch a year – is caused by the pressure exerted by two of Earth’s continental plates <the Eurasian plate and the Indo-Australian plate> pushing against one another.)

 

  1. In England, the Speaker of the House is not allowed to speak. (True.)

 

 

TABLOID MATCH GAME

You have to match the blank in the tabloid headline with the word or phrase that has been removed!

HITLER _______ (WINE)

VIENNA –   Sales of wine and schnapps with Adolf Hitler on the label are increasing all over Austria.

An Austrian website was selling bottles with portraits of Hitler and the swastika. The site offered sales of spirits in “nostalgic bottles of former historical greats.”

The man selling the wine and schnapps was identified only as Roland M.  Legal officials say he was motivated by profit, not ideology.

The prosecutor’s office said Thursday the man stopped sales when legal action against him started.

When German Justice Minister Brigitte Zypries recently called a line of Italian wines “tasteless,” she wasn’t referring to the grapes.

 

 

THE WAY TOO EARLY IN THE MORNING TO UNDERSTAND THE PUNCHLINE EVEN AFTER TWO CUPS OF COFFEE JOKE OF THE DAY

JOKE #1

An artist asked the gallery owner if there had been any interest in his paintings on display at that time.

“I have good news and bad news,” the owner replied.

“The good news is that a gentleman inquired about your work and wondered if it would appreciate in value after your death. When I told him it would, he bought all 15 of your paintings.”

“That’s wonderful,” the artist exclaimed. “What’s the bad news?”

“The guy is your doctor.”

 

JOKE #2

The coach for the little league team had not yet learned the names of all the players, so he called them by the numbers on their uniforms. He yelled, “Number 5, your time to bat,” and Jeff came to the plate to hit.

He yelled, “Number 7,” and Steve jumped up.

Then he yelled, “Number 1,” but no one got up.

Again he called out, “Number 1.” Still no one emerged from the dugout.

The umpire was getting annoyed at the delay, so the coach yelled out, “Who’s number 1?”

The entire team responded, “We are, coach. We are!”

 

JOKE #3

A fourth-grade teacher was giving her pupils a lesson in logic. “Here is the situation,” she said. “A man is standing up in a boat in the middle of a river, fishing. He loses his balance, falls in, and begins splashing and yelling for help. His wife hears the commotion, knows he can’t swim, and runs down to the bank. Why do you think she ran to the bank?”

A girl raised her hand and asked, “To draw out all his savings?”

 

 

USELESS FACTS

The University of Chicago’s Center on Aging studied people who lived to 100 and made a list of their most common traits to help others live a long time. Things that most likely help you live to 100 are – to be trim but not too thin, to have more than four children by age 30, and to be a farmer.  ***MARLAR: And to continue breathing.

 

A retired British priest has written a book called “The 100-Minute Bible” that teaches you all the “really essential” parts of the Bible in just over an hour and a half.  ***MARLAR: There are non-essential parts of the Bible?  What’s that – the concordance and the maps?

 

 

FEATURED FUNNIES

HEALTHY CHRISTIANS

Two Christians have lived very good, and also very healthy lives. They die, and go to heaven. As they are walking along, marveling at the paradise around them, one turns to the other and says “Wow. I never knew heaven was going to be as good as this !”

“Yeah”, says the other. “And just think, if we hadn’t eaten all that oat bran we could have got here ten years sooner.”

 

 

IT MUST BE TRUE BECAUSE I HEARD IT ON THE RADIO!

GREATEST COLLEGE PRANKS OF ALL TIME (According to K-State)

  1. Louisiana Tech University: Students programmed the campus clock tower to play “Dueling Banjos.”
  2. Harvard University (1933): The staff of the school’s comedy magazine stole the “sacred cod,” a pine fish that hangs above the Massachusetts House of Representatives.
  3. Ohio State University (1993): Students sent out a press release for a new charity known as “Arm the Homeless,” that would provide homeless people with guns for protection.
  4. MIT: Students started an Internet hoax that claimed one could grow a “Bonsai Kitten” in a container.
  5. Cornell University (1980s): Students invited numerous politicians to pay homage to Hugo N. Frye, founder of New York’s Republican Party, and most of them wrote back, despite Frye being a fictitious character.
  6. Caltech (1975): A student used his computer to print out a million pre-filled entry forms to a McDonald’s contest that one could enter “as often as you wish.” They changed the rules shortly after.
  7. Sydney University (1956): During the Olympics, a student posed as the Olympic flame runner and ran through the streets with a torch of burning underwear.
  8. University of Wisconsin-Madison (1979): The student body presidents promised to buy the Statue of Liberty and bring it to Wisconsin – their replica lasted three weeks before it was burned down.
  9. MIT (2005): Students turned an entire building into a life-size first level of Super Mario Bros. that you could actually play.
  10. Caltech (1961): During the Rose Bowl, Caltech students switched the Washington Huskies’ cheerleader-directed flip cards to show a goofy version of their mascot, the word HUSKIES spelled backwards, and CALTECH.

 

 

INSPIRATIONAL INSPIRATION

SLOW DANCE

Have you ever watched kids
on a merry-go-round
Or listened to the rain
slapping on the ground?

Ever followed a butterfly’s erratic flight
Or gazed at the sun into the fading night?

You better slow down
Don’t dance so fast
Time is short
The music won’t last

Do you run through each day on the fly
When you ask “How are you?”
do you hear the reply?

When the day is done,
do you lie in your bed
With the next hundred chores
running through your head?

You’d better slow down
Don’t dance so fast
Time is short
The music won’t last

Ever told your child,
We’ll do it tomorrow
And in your haste,
not see his sorrow?

Ever lost touch,
Let a good friendship die
‘Cause you never had time
to call and say “Hi”?

You’d better slow down
Don’t dance so fast
Time is short
The music won’t last

When you run so fast to get somewhere
You miss half the fun of getting there.
When you worry and hurry through your day,
It is like an unopened gift….
Thrown away…

Life is not a race.
Do take it slower
Hear the music

Before the song is over.

 

 

DRIVE TIME DEVOTIONAL

OUT OF YOUR MIND?

Read: Deuteronomy 6:1-12

Beware, lest you forget the Lord who brought you out of the land of Egypt. –Deuteronomy 6:12

After stopping in Montgomery, Alabama, for gas, Sam drove more than 5 hours before noticing he had left someone behind–his wife. So at the next town he asked police to help him get in touch with her. He admitted with great embarrassment that he just hadn’t noticed her absence.

It’s hard to understand how Sam could forget his wife, but we’re not much different in our relationship with God. We actually fail to remember the One who created us and redeemed us.

We’re no different from Israel in the Old Testament. Speaking to His people, God gave these instructions:

Focus on life’s purpose, and keep your priorities straight (Dt. 6:4-5).

Become so familiar with the Bible that it is a part of what you think and feel and do (v.6).

Talk about God to your children, and look for opportunities to tell them of His love (v.7).

Write reminders to yourself and put them where they can be easily seen (vv.8-9).

Realize that your need for God is not limited to times of obvious stress or danger. Enjoy with gratitude whatever health and happiness you have (vv.10-11).

The only way to keep God in mind is to acknowledge and fellowship with Him throughout each day.

 

 

LEFTOVERS

SILLY SILLY SAMSON

According to some psychologists, Samson from the Bible might have had a mental disease.

Remember the story of Samson? He seemed like a pretty dysfunctional guy by today’s standards, didn’t he? He killed 1,000 Philistines once and then went around gloating about it! His girlfriend, Delilah, tried to have him killed three times – yet Samson stuck around and continued to play Mr. Macho! Even as a kid, Samson was a terror… getting in fights all of the time and starting fires. Why would Samson be like that? Well, according to some California psychologists, Samson may be the first case in recorded history of antisocial personality disorder. The symptoms of the condition are set out in a 900-page manual from the American Psychiatric Association which doctors use to diagnose mental illnesses. ***MARLAR: It comes as no surprise to me that some pseudo-intellectuals would give a biblical character a psychological disorder. Next we’ll hear that Jesus Christ had a “god complex.”

 

 

LIFE… LIVE IT

Mind your manners and you can lose weight.

…Dutch researchers recently found that big bites and fast chewing can lead to overeating. In the study, people who chewed large bites of food for 3 seconds consumed 52% more food before feeling full than those who chewed small bites for 9 seconds. The reason: Tasting food for a longer period of time, no matter how much of it you bite off, signals your brain to make you feel full sooner, say the scientists. (Men’s Health)

 

 

JUST FOR FUN

COULD IT BE THE HAMBURGLER?

Police in Canada are looking for a stolen hamburger — a really big hamburger.

…Crooks have stolen a giant inflatable Burger King Whopper from the roof of a Burger King restaurant. The Calgary franchise owner says the thieves went to a lot of trouble to steal the six-foot tall burger because it was securely fastened to the roof. They would have had to climb onto the roof, deflate the giant burger and then untie it before climbing down with it. The burger is valued at $2,600. ***MARLAR: But you can get it as part of a combo meal with giant inflatable fries and a Coke for just two hundred bucks more.

 

 

FUN LIST

WHERE I WENT WRONG ON VALENTINE’S DAY

  • Shoulda checked the spelling of her name on that card.
  • Roses need water if you’re going to buy them a week early to save money.
  • Chocolates are good, but Mars bars don’t count.
  • Those blinking roses at the convenience store are nice.  A dozen blinking roses is stupid.
  • “Freebird” doesn’t make a good love song.
  • 24k gold usually isn’t sold out of a car trunk.

 

 

MORE SHOW PREP STUFF…

GENERATION JONES

Are you a Baby Boomer, a Gen-Xer, or something in-between?

If you were born between 1954 and 1965, you’re part of a generation that contains one of every four adults in America – Generation Jones. They’re the generation between the Baby Boomers and Generation X that consists of 53 million people. The term was invented by a lawyer, Jonathan Pontell who says he chose that name because it’s so common and anonymous, like the people it attempts to define. In an Omni poll of 1200 adults born in 1954 through 1965, 87% said they didn’t feel like baby boomers or Generation Xers, but like a generation in between. Here is a list to help you know who is a Joneser:

 

Boomers… Drive-ins

Jonesers… Drive-thrus

Gen-Xers… Drive-bys

 

Boomers… “The $64,000 Question”

Jonesers… “The Hollywood Squares”

Gen-Xers… the Remote Control

 

Boomers… “Purple Haze
Jonesers… “Purple Rain”

Gen-Xers… blue M&Ms

 

Boomers… the Cleavers

Jonesers… the Brady Bunch

Gen-Xers… the Simpsons

 

Boomers… JFK

Jonesers… Jimmy Carter

Gen-Xers.. Jesse Ventura

 

Boomers… telephone

Jonesers… CB radio

Gen-Xers… chat rooms

 

Boomers… Coke

Jonesers… New Coke

Gen-Xers… Classic Coke

 

Boomers… Peace Symbols

Jonesers… Mood Rings

Gen-Xers… Nose Rings

 

 

OTHER STUFF I WANT TO CRAM INTO TODAY’S PREP

In June 2015, Samsung showed off an intriguing concept: The company attached a large screen onto the back of a semi-truck, showing the road ahead to drivers behind the truck. Now, according to Mashable.com, the company is getting ready to roll out the system, called “Safety Truck,” to the global market. According to a company blog post Tuesday, Samsung’s Argentinean arm has produced the first prototype of the truck, scheduled to be on the roads for a year.

 

A church in Texas has started a 1-million dollar Construction Project to Build Largest Cross in the United States. Organizers of the Corpus Christie Cross Project broke ground in Texas earlier this month. Pastor Rick Milby of the Abundant Life Fellowship campus said he cross is expected to stand 210 feet tall and 95 feet wide. The cross will take $1 million to complete, $142,000 of which has already been raised.

http://www.christianpost.com/news/corpus-christie-cross-largest-america-210-feet-tall-abundant-life-church-texas-156920/

 

5 Ways to Protect Your Marriage from Focus on the Family

  1. Don’t travel alone with members of the opposite sex.
  2. Don’t eat alone with members of the opposite sex.
  3. Don’t hire members of the opposite sex using the excuse that you want to “help them”.
  4. Don’t confide in or counsel members of the opposite sex.
  5. If you’re married and you feel your heart drifting toward a specific person, tell someone immediately and get help.

Read more in-details about each of these points for the sake of your marriage!  http://bit.ly/1nQdLBT

 

 

AND I LEAVE YOU WITH THIS THOUGHT

Where there’s a will…I want to be in it.

 

So it appears I talk in my sleep now. I hope I haven’t revealed any military secrets. That would be really scary, especially since I’ve never been in the military.

 

God had a purpose for your life even before you were born. Don’t let your current circumstances distract you from what you are called to do!

 

Many of life’s failures are experienced by people who did not realize how close they were to success when they gave up.  –Thomas A Edison

 

 

THE TICKET Movie Reviews with MARIE ASNER

Marie Asner has been reviewing films for over 30 years. Her outlets include radio, print and Internet.  For more in-depth movie reviews of the following films, visit www.Tollbooth.org.  Ratings from 1 (Low) to 5 (High).

 

FEBRUARY 12, 2016…

 

Where To Invade—Michael Moore (and I bet he’s working on a documentary now on the water situation in Flint, Michigan) travels the world in his documentary “Where To Invade” trying to find information (tongue-in-cheek) to help the U.S. He goes to Finland and other countries looking for answers to prison crowding (in one country, the prisoners have free roaming of the prison and it is better inside than outside.) “Where To Invade” is rated PG 13. Rating of 3.

 

Deadpool—Comic book fans, here comes “Deadpool,” the former special forces/mercenary guy who underwent an experiment (again?) and comes out fighting crime with language to boot. Ryan Reynolds plays the hero, and others in the cast include Morena Baccarin (“Gotham”), Ed Skrein (“Transporter”) and Stan Lee (you read that right.) “Deadpool” is rated R. Rating of 3 for fans.

 

How To Be Single—The gals gather: Dakota Johnson, Alison Bree, Rebel Wilson and Leslie Mann—to learn how to live without men. Look out guys, here they come. “How To Be Single” is rated R. No rating.

 

Zoolander 2-–The first film was a fan favorite and now Ben Stiller and Owen Wilson reprise their roles as models Derek and Hansel. Guess who else is in the cast? Benedict Cumberbatch (“Sherlock Holmes”), Kristen Wiig and Will Ferrell. This story has devious people trying to get Derek and Hansel out of the business. “Zoolander 2” is rated R. Rating of 2 for fans.

 

The Bad Hurt—All families have problems, hurts and secrets and in this particular one, they try to work through everything. The cast includes Ashley Williams, Karen Allen and Johnny Whitworth. “The Bad Hurt” is rated PG 13. No rating.

 

FEBRUARY 19, 2016…

 

Race is the story of Jesse Owens, the African-American athlete who was in the 1936 Olympics against all odds. Stars Stephan James.

 

Viral has a virus running amok around the country and one family trying to avoid getting it. Stars Analeigh Tipton and Michael Kelly.

 

# # # # #

 

 

WARNING:    Don’t believe anything you read on the Internet or email (including stuff you read here) unless you can confirm it with another source, and/or it is consistent with what you already know to be true. The opinions in this publication are not necessarily those of Darren Marlar, Marlar House Entertainment, OnAirPrep.com, or any company or organization affiliated with aforementioned.  (Regardless of how stupid you may think those opinions are.  So there – nyah!)

Darren Marlar credits all non-original material to the author whenever possible. All other material is original, used with permission, or author unknown. We welcome all comments, questions, and suggestions.  Darren can be reached via his website at www.DarrenMarlar.com.